Aphi, I got what you were doing.
Yes they are. You have no idea how many books I have read to try to understand the male mind. I still have no clue!!Date: 3/9/2006 2:33:58 PM
Author: Caribou
Aphi, I got what you were doing.And I''m not trying to say that I''ve never lied before...but I haven''t to my FI. But then I don''t do anything worth lying about. I guess I just don''t get the male mind why they do the things they do or act the way they do...very odd creatures.
Hey, I didn't ignore it! I actually agreed with that. So there!!
I guess I should clarify, I knew that the number popping up was his ex to begin with, she is the only one he knows that lives in that area code. I asked point blank, then he said he didn''t talk to her. I am not saying that what I did was right, but I had a hunch that he wasn''t being totally truthful.
Hey, I never said I was a saint!Date: 3/9/2006 2:54:12 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
Yeah, but missy, you had a friend call the number to find out who it was. That''s pretty sneaky! *slaps stacyQ on the wrist*
All joking aside, you probably shouldn''t have done that. If you pay the phone bill, sure you have the right to question what''s on it. And the message forum IS public domain. BUT.... having your friend call the number just to find who he''s been talking to may have crossed the line though. I would be upset if my fiance did that to me.
Ha ha, NOBODY IS!!Date: 3/9/2006 2:56:23 PM
Author: stacyQ
Hey, I never said I was a saint!Date: 3/9/2006 2:54:12 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
Yeah, but missy, you had a friend call the number to find out who it was. That's pretty sneaky! *slaps stacyQ on the wrist*
All joking aside, you probably shouldn't have done that. If you pay the phone bill, sure you have the right to question what's on it. And the message forum IS public domain. BUT.... having your friend call the number just to find who he's been talking to may have crossed the line though. I would be upset if my fiance did that to me.
Oh good. I guess now it's just a wait-and-see type of thing. Hopefully he really won't do it anymore.
Whoa! never stalked and interrogated! I quietly "researched" and then discussed
That''s what i was trying (and failing) to say. Snooping like that not only violates the trust between people, it also indicates that there''s something wrong with the relationship. Asking your bf if he''s talking to his ex when you know she''s been calling him is just a set-up for trouble. (i missed the first time that she did know who it was). And IMO, a person who trusted the guy to start with (before the lie) would have said something more along the lines of "was that so&so? what was she calling about?". (hey it could have been about a mutual friend).
So let me ask this...if you suspected your boyfriend were cheating, you had this amazingly stong gut feeling that he was, you had people say that they've heard he was, so you approached him with what you've heard. He says he isn't, hasn't and wouldn't. But that gut feeling is still there, the one that everyone tells you not to ignore, and the same people are still telling you what they've heard. He still denies it. Do you just let it go....trust that he's being honest even though all these other things are telling you othewise? Or do you try and find out for sure??Date: 3/9/2006 3:24:38 PM
Author: Wren
That's what i was trying (and failing) to say. Snooping like that not only violates the trust between people, it also indicates that there's something wrong with the relationship. Asking your bf if he's talking to his ex when you know she's been calling him is just a set-up for trouble. (i missed the first time that she did know who it was). And IMO, a person who trusted the guy to start with (before the lie) would have said something more along the lines of 'was that so&so? what was she calling about?'. (hey it could have been about a mutual friend).
I'm not excusing his lying about something so sensitive. Although G. knows I've done the deer in the headlights thing a couple of times.
This whole thing sounds like a snowball turning rapidly into an avalanche. I'm not sure what to suggest to stop things now.
And I gotta say about the invasion of privacy, we've got a family plan and I pay the phone bill too. I would never examine his phone records, and he'd never do that to me. I mean, sure, if we were running over our minutes it's reasonable to see what was causing the problem.
Date: 3/9/2006 3:32:12 PM
Author: lovelylulu
hello: this is just a response to your worry that if your BF''s develops a new cold shoulder towards his ex - that it somehow is a reflection on you...
i had a vaguely similar situation -- not with the detective work --
but my now fiancee had dated a girl for three years or so. they had broken up for almost a year before we got together, but remained close friends. close to the point that they talked on the phone a couple of times a week!! Now, when i first learned this, i was a bit uncomfortable, but my fiancee was quite amazing about it. i remember one night we were talking about the situation and he said ''ask me anything you want, you''re not prying, i''ll answer any questions you have because i want you to be comfortable.'' that conversation was a huge comfort, but as time went on and the level of communication remained constant i had another talk with him. I tried to explain that while i knew that there were no romantic feelings, it made me uncomfortable to talk to frequently to his ex -- to continue to have such an close relationship -- mind you it was always her calling. i wasn''t saying that they couldn''t be friends, but that she couldn''t expect him to remain to be her best friend, to have to rely on her ex so much, to feel the need to talk multiple times a week. his life was moving on as should hers. he understood where i was coming from and told his ex what we discussed.
Her response: ''You better watch out with someone as insecure as that -- manipulatively trying to control who you can be friends with and who you can''t.''
needless to say, i was infuriated by her reaction. it was completely out of line. she didn''t see at all how her constant presense was inappropriate and tried to turn it around. whatever. because of her ridiculous reaction my fiancee isn''t even friends with her anymore. i think that he finally realized that she was stuck and that it wasn''t healthy and he let it go.
these things work out really well if you are mature and open and approachable. our situation worked out because we were both honest and respectfully of each other.
the lying is no good!
Wow, that is exactly what I am afraid of! Good thing your boyfriend has smarts!
Thanks! I don''t snoop all of the time, just this time. It was seriously directed by my instincts, that happened to be right. I wouldn''t dare do it if I felt no reason to.......... but I did. I wasn''t going to torture myself over the sitch, and knowing my boyfriend (he thinks he is SO smart) I needed to have some kind of proof. Thus the snooping began.
I absolutely agree. Despite the fact that her BF has promised he'll never lie again, he still has. Because he lied, I think he deserves a little investigating. Casually glancing at the phone records doesn't hurt him a bit...but it makes Stacy feel better when he can't. Trust is a bitch of a thing to re-earn once it's lost, and it's fact that guys and girls lie to their significant others all the time. How many of us have cheated/been cheated on? I think that trusting your SO 100% when your gut is telling you that something is wrong is rather naive. Nobody's perfect, and people mess up. In this case, Stacy's boyfriend messed up...he should have known better than to repeatedly talk to/txt an ex-girlfriend. Privacy, schmivacy. All he had to do was tell the truth.
I completely agree with Caribou...if that feeling is there, you''re not going to be able to rest until you know the truth, and why should you, if it is going on you need to know as soon as possible...if you prove that your suspicions were wrong then great, but if they are right, you need to know so that the situation can be addressed. This is not specifically for Stacy but on a general scale...been there done that, and don''t regret one bit of the snooping...he wasn''t honest when I asked him about it, so I had to do something...for my own sanity...Date: 3/9/2006 3:44:31 PM
Author: Caribou
So let me ask this...if you suspected your boyfriend were cheating, you had this amazingly stong gut feeling that he was, you had people say that they''ve heard he was, so you approached him with what you''ve heard. He says he isn''t, hasn''t and wouldn''t. But that gut feeling is still there, the one that everyone tells you not to ignore, and the same people are still telling you what they''ve heard. He still denies it. Do you just let it go....trust that he''s being honest even though all these other things are telling you othewise? Or do you try and find out for sure??Date: 3/9/2006 3:24:38 PM
Author: Wren
That''s what i was trying (and failing) to say. Snooping like that not only violates the trust between people, it also indicates that there''s something wrong with the relationship. Asking your bf if he''s talking to his ex when you know she''s been calling him is just a set-up for trouble. (i missed the first time that she did know who it was). And IMO, a person who trusted the guy to start with (before the lie) would have said something more along the lines of ''was that so&so? what was she calling about?''. (hey it could have been about a mutual friend).
I''m not excusing his lying about something so sensitive. Although G. knows I''ve done the deer in the headlights thing a couple of times.
This whole thing sounds like a snowball turning rapidly into an avalanche. I''m not sure what to suggest to stop things now.
And I gotta say about the invasion of privacy, we''ve got a family plan and I pay the phone bill too. I would never examine his phone records, and he''d never do that to me. I mean, sure, if we were running over our minutes it''s reasonable to see what was causing the problem.
I think most people''s reaction would be to find out for themselves. Which may involve, snooping, spying, ''stalking'' whatever you want to call it. Is it wrong? Well depending on what you do, it could be illegal, and yes it is mildly wrong but I think on some level it''s human nature.
My boyfriend would never cheat on me. But I have been in relationships where I have been cheated on
and I did look for things to confirm or deny it. I think just letting a gut feeling go is not protecting yourself and you need to protect yourself.
Now, I''m not saying what Stacy did was right. And if someone is contantly snooping for no reason other than the crazy thoughts that she has (Stacy this isn''t directed to you) than she needs help.
I guess really all I''m saying is that you can''t really say what you would or wouldn''t do if put in her situation. I think her snooping was mild and harmless.
Good point! I am overanalyzing, as is my typical fashion. She is a nasty drama queen (the last time my SO saw her out, and thank heavens I wasn''t there, she tried to beat him over the head with a beer bottle when he said he had a new girlfriend). We ARE NOT that kind of people so he may have thought that by talking to her and being nice he was staving off some kind of horrid retribution. Which also make me reluctant to have him tell her to piss off, but it may just be worth it to get rid of her for good. I will see how his not talking to her goes and if she still calls as much as she did, then he can tell her to stop
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