Long Engagements

[MayFlowers]

I know many people in my personal life as well as on PS that are having long engagements. BF and I will probably be having between a 12-15 month engagement, depending on when he proposes. I consider a long engagement to be more than 18 months. BF has always said that he refuses to have a long engagement because everyone he has known to be engaged for that amount of time or longer has ended up calling off the wedding. I always laughed and said that it was just a coincidence. However, in the past year, three of my friends (I'm not super close with them) who were having long engagements have called off their weddings.

I'm just wondering what you all think of a long engagement period (18 months +). I know it completely depends on the couple. But, I'm wondering if so many with long engagements end up breaking it off because maybe they get too obsessed with the wedding details and forget to focus on their relationship? Or maybe they would have ended up divorced anyways? Feel free to add other theories or the pros/cons of long engagements.

slg47 and HopeDream, you two are the only ones I can think of who are having long engagements as I know you are both getting married next summer (which is when I hope to get married as well). I would love to hear how things are going for you all and your input as well!

 

[amc80]

My personal opinion is you're not officially engaged unless you have a ring and a date. I've had friends who have gotten engaged, with the intention of being married "in a couple of years." I guess I just don't see the point in getting engaged unless you plan for it to end in marriage in a fairly timely manner. I understand that there are sometimes reasons to wait (such as to finish school), but why not just wait to get engaged until you are actually in a position to get married? This isn't meant to offend anyone out there, just an honest question.

I think a year is a fairly standard amount of time to be engaged. My friends who have had longer engagements have done so for logistical reasons. For example, one friend got engaged over Christmas and wanted a summer wedding. That summer was too close, so they had to wait until the following summer, which was about 18 months total. She says she wishes she would have had a shorter engagement.

I, personally, want a short engagement...maybe something around six months, made possible by the lack of desire to have a big traditional wedding. I would actually love something shorter, but since we are going to have a destination wedding (most likely), we feel six months is the minimum notice we can give our guests.

 

[Glitz]

I've had friends who have gotten engaged, with the intention of being married "in a couple of years." I guess I just don't see the point in getting engaged unless you plan for it to end in marriage in a fairly timely manner.

Completely agree!

I understand that there can be issues that make your engagement longer than ideal, like your venue was booked up until next summer, family circumstances and such, but when people get engaged with no intention or idea when they would like to get married that should send up some red flags.

 

[Blackpaw]

I used to be all for a short engagement, i thought 6 months was ideal and i also thought there was no point getting engaged unless you're getting married fairly soon afterwards...

and then once i was in a relationship headed in that direction i realised that while a shorter engagement may be ideal, its not necessarily practical

First is the wedding location problem - i too would like a destination wedding (at a far, far away destination!) and i would want to be fair to guests by giving them at least 18 months. I know from experience that that's about the notice i need to make a trip happen...we've missed a few weddings because we didnt have enough notice (we live overseas, our friends were getting married at home).

And then there's the cost issue - a wedding isnt the top of our financial priorities and so i can see us having a long engagement while we get to other things. Some would say have a cheaper wedding, but we're older, we live together already, we have no reason not to wait until we can have the wedding we want to...and as for getting engaged sooner rather than later, well do you know what, maybe i just want a fr&*Kin' diamond to look at

 

[MayFlowers]

My personal opinion is you're not officially engaged unless you have a ring and a date. I've had friends who have gotten engaged, with the intention of being married "in a couple of years." I guess I just don't see the point in getting engaged unless you plan for it to end in marriage in a fairly timely manner. I understand that there are sometimes reasons to wait (such as to finish school), but why not just wait to get engaged until you are actually in a position to get married? This isn't meant to offend anyone out there, just an honest question.

I definitely agree with this. I have one friend who got "engaged" almost 4 years ago when her BF entered the army. However, there was no ring and there are no wedding plans in sight. I definitely don't consider that to be engaged and I personally wouldn't feel comfortable referring to my BF as fiance if this were the case. I totally agree that it should be done in a timely manner. Mine and BF's engagement will be a little longer because I am a teacher and so I cannot get married during the school year unless we don't want to take our honeymoon until later. Though, I have heard from other teachers that you will appreciate having the free time of summer to both prepare and recover from the wedding/honeymoon without worrying about everything that needs to be done for class.

 

[amc80]

and as for getting engaged sooner rather than later, well do you know what, maybe i just want a fr&*Kin' diamond to look at

Awesome.

 

[mariewest]

I actually was hoping for a longer engagement, because I would rather have the extra time to plan and save without stressing about putting a wedding together in a short 8-6 months. My SO is a teacher (so is my sister/future MOH, and one of my best friends), so we would have to work around the school calendar, which means we'll probably have to get married in the summer. Depending on when he proposes in relation to possible dates will have a lot to do with the amount of time we're engaged. I keep hoping that maybe we'll have a summer 2012 wedding, but he probably won't propose anytime soon and instead of trying to plan in a few months if he proposes early next year, we will probably have to wait until 2013.

I don't think that the length of engagement has anytime to do with the couple breaking up. There are many reasons that people prefer longer engagements, perhaps those particular couples just weren't ready to be married and put it off for that reason.

 

[should i be here]

I thought everyone NEEDED to take at least ~12 months just to plan a wedding! That's what all the wedding checklist thingies seem to imply. And it sounds like you need to book venue, photog, etc FAR in advance, especially if there is a lot of demand for them.

And I'm in NYC, and the window of time for weddings seems to be from May-Sept or Oct, so you may have to wait and catch the next cycle. I thought a 14-18 month engagement would be good so you'd have lots of time to plan.

 

[GamerGirl]

Seems like a lot of us are looking to do destination weddings.
That would be the biggest "length of engagement" push for me - I'm sure my family would need a fair amount of time to be able to attend especially since some of them don't even have their passports!! Plus one of our friends just deployed for 6 months so I would definitely like to wait until he is back or available plus I'd like my nephews there which means we'd have to plan for a school vacation. I hope we manage to make the engagement short since I tend to go a little wacky with researching and giving me too much time to plan could end up being bad thing - ha ha.


I think that as long as both parties are truly agreed and ok on the date chosen (and there is an actual date chosen!) a longer engagement isn't that big of a deal.

I have one uncle that has been engaged for YEARS to a lovely girl -- they have never set a wedding date and I can tell it is absolutely torturing her. Yeah, she got a ring but it hasn't progressed any further and he acts so annoyed and unwilling to discuss any plans for actually getting married that I'd be surprised if the day ever comes when he follows through with it. Makes me so sad for her

 

[GamerGirl]

I thought everyone NEEDED to take at least ~12 months just to plan a wedding! That's what all the wedding checklist thingies seem to imply. And it sounds like you need to book venue, photog, etc FAR in advance, especially if there is a lot of demand for them.

And I'm in NYC, and the window of time for weddings seems to be from May-Sept or Oct, so you may have to wait and catch the next cycle. I thought a 14-18 month engagement would be good so you'd have lots of time to plan.

Wow, I am so baffled - I always figured that May-Sept was the busy season and anytime you can plan your wedding outside that timeframe you end up with more flexibility and maybe better prices because there aren't nearly as many couples trying for the same stuff? I guess I knew even less than I thought - Hopefully my cousin who did destination a few years ago can give me some tips otherwise I'm going to be in trouble!! ha ha

 

[MayFlowers]

I thought everyone NEEDED to take at least ~12 months just to plan a wedding! That's what all the wedding checklist thingies seem to imply. And it sounds like you need to book venue, photog, etc FAR in advance, especially if there is a lot of demand for them.

And I'm in NYC, and the window of time for weddings seems to be from May-Sept or Oct, so you may have to wait and catch the next cycle. I thought a 14-18 month engagement would be good so you'd have lots of time to plan.

I definitely agree with you! I think a 12-18 month engagement sounds good. It gives you plenty of time to plan and make sure that you get the venues, photographer, caterer, etc that you want.

I think that's why I initially started this. Because to me, that amount of time seems perfect. But anyone who has been engaged longer than that amount of time, that I have known in person, has ended up breaking up.

ETA: I in no way want to say that everyone who is engaged for 18+ months will break up. I am simply curious since the only friends of mine who have called off their weddings were all ones who had a long engagement period.

 

[HaloBelle]

I have always wanted a long engagement 12-24 months so that i had time in the beginning to enjoy just being engaged and then have time to plan a budget friendly wedding. To do that, you still need to set a date early on so you can book your venues/caterers/etc early for that discount!!

However, if he proposes in the next 6 months (unlikely due to the job situation) we could potentially set a wedding date for our 10 year dating anniversary. Whiiiiich would be pretty awesome and would have a 2 year engagement (what I wanted to begin with). IF the engagement takes another year, it might, I would be totally cool with a shorter engagement and having our wedding day be the same day we started dating in HS after oreo milkshakes.

 

[yssie]

We had a 23mo engagement - longer than we dated, actually!

When he gave me the ring we had no plans for the wedding at all - it was just "going to be sometime in the far future", and we were going to "see how things worked out". I was the one dragging my heels - I wanted to be completely, totally, fully, utterly sure we matched well, were happy living together long-term, etc. before committing legally, and I fully expected a 3+ year engagement.. got antsy after a year and some months though .

I don't see why a longer engagement could be the *cause* of a breakup. I do see why a couple that is not Meant For Each Other might realize this after a certain amount of time, and call it off during a long engagement, whereas had they had that realisation at that same time but already been married they may be more unwilling to part ways. As in, the realization that it wasn't working came after four years together, but the state of the relationship - engaged vs. legally married - altered the decision to break up (or not), but the Not Working bit is the same. Sometimes couples *can* work it out, sometimes it ends in divorce - in which case definitely better to have broken up whilst engaged!

 

[rosetta]

I've got six months till the wedding, and I've been engaged since last May.

Honestly, I've got a venue and that's it. I am so busy with work, we haven't managed anything else. Time really flies, I wish I had a longer engagement now!

 

[maebelle]

I always said I wanted a short engagement (like, possibly not have an engagement at all and just elope). I know two couples who have been engaged for years (and no date in sight) and used to think "What's the point??" they are both still together though.

But... now I'm at the point in my life where I don't feel like calling my SO a "boyfriend" is serious enough for the relationship. We've been together for three years and a lot of our friends are engaged/married and started dating around the same time or after us. The only thing holding us back from being married is school. So... I've now switched camps! I'd rather have a long engagement (despite the fact that I want to elope) and have the extra amount of (I don't know if this is the right word...) legitimacy. I'm just ready for the next step, even if it sounds a bit like bridal purgatory

With all that said... when you are hitting 2 years of being engaged, make sure you and your fiance are both on the same page about why!

 

[slg47]

we're having a long-ish engagement (engaged August of this year, looking at May 2012 for the wedding) mainly because I am in school and don't want to get married during classes, and we are planning our wedding from out of state. For now I am enjoying being engaged!

 

[purselover]

My personal opinion is you're not officially engaged unless you have a ring and a date. I've had friends who have gotten engaged, with the intention of being married "in a couple of years." I guess I just don't see the point in getting engaged unless you plan for it to end in marriage in a fairly timely manner. I understand that there are sometimes reasons to wait (such as to finish school), but why not just wait to get engaged until you are actually in a position to get married? This isn't meant to offend anyone out there, just an honest question.

I think a year is a fairly standard amount of time to be engaged. My friends who have had longer engagements have done so for logistical reasons. For example, one friend got engaged over Christmas and wanted a summer wedding. That summer was too close, so they had to wait until the following summer, which was about 18 months total. She says she wishes she would have had a shorter engagement.

I, personally, want a short engagement...maybe something around six months, made possible by the lack of desire to have a big traditional wedding. I would actually love something shorter, but since we are going to have a destination wedding (most likely), we feel six months is the minimum notice we can give our guests.

I completely agree, I never understood the point of a long engagement. If you're not ready to get married in the near future why get engaged? DH and I had a 7 month engagement (and actually picked a date only 4 months out) and that was plenty of time to get everything together!

 

[kateydid05]

I'm in the destination wedding camp as well. For me, once I get engaged, I want to be married in less than a year honestly (I am sure that won't happen though). I have browsed at a few destination places already and most of them are "just tell us what you want and we'll make it happen" type places. What I want? Simple wedding on the beach with my family and close friends (50 people max, hopefully less) and then a nice dinner afterward. No traditional reception, no frills, just about what matters to me. The only thing that would prevent us from getting married ASAP is other people and their finances which is totally understandable. There are a few family members that I would really want to share in that day, otherwise we would elope. I don't really have a preference as to what time of the year so that opens things up a bit.

I am a planner, a researcher, a nut case...whatever but once I figure it out, it's on! I don't want to screw around.

 

[should i be here]

Hehe, this is NYC I'm talking about though - I read that the most popular wedding seasons are spring and fall. Summer might be too hot for people, and no one wants guests to be huddled around shivering in January, which leaves only a few comfortable months. And since it is the city, there aren't that many venues while there are a zillion brides. COMPETITION.

I would consider prolonging the engagement if the venue I wanted was booked, etc. Not in a rush to be a married woman! Engaged is just fine with me.

 

[HaloBelle]

I always said I wanted a short engagement (like, possibly not have an engagement at all and just elope). I know two couples who have been engaged for years (and no date in sight) and used to think "What's the point??" they are both still together though.

But... now I'm at the point in my life where I don't feel like calling my SO a "boyfriend" is serious enough for the relationship. We've been together for three years and a lot of our friends are engaged/married and started dating around the same time or after us. The only thing holding us back from being married is school. So... I've now switched camps! I'd rather have a long engagement (despite the fact that I want to elope) and have the extra amount of (I don't know if this is the right word...) legitimacy. I'm just ready for the next step, even if it sounds a bit like bridal purgatory

With all that said... when you are hitting 2 years of being engaged, make sure you and your fiance are both on the same page about why!

I totally feel you on this!! The word 'boyfriend' has recently (past 2 months) really started bothering me. When you have been dating forever, I feel like it deserves just a little bit more than boyfriend. Maybe we should make up a new word!!

 

[blacksand]

We will probably be having a long engagement, quite frankly because there is just too much to do. I'd love to get married tomorrow, but we both really want our friends and family to be present and to have a traditional (read: large) celebration. I have an enormous family. It’s not the kind of family where you can invite just a select few, and I wouldn’t want to, anyway. I love my family. So it’s going to be a big wedding. We will need a lot of time to find venues to accommodate everyone, to give everyone adequate notice, and most importantly, to come up with the funds for a really big party. Then we have the issue of religion. Church wedding or not? We haven’t decided yet. We are not especially religious, but I do have a special connection to the church where I spent most of my childhood and a particular priest who would like to marry us. Boyfriend is willing, but would have to annul his first marriage to do so, which could take 6-18 months. He’s willing to do it, but I don’t know if I want to put him through all of that for something that is meaningful only to me. If we decide not to go that route, our engagement might be a bit shorter, but we would definitely want to take some time to get my family (and myself) acclimated to the idea of a wedding that (for us) is not traditional. So it might be better to have a longer engagement anyway, just to sort out our issues and make sure we have found the best solution for both of us, and hopefully for both of our families as well. The most important thing, to us, is that we are certain we are going to marry each other, and we are ready to share that with our friends and family. Sorting out the wedding details might take a little longer than the average engagement, but that in no way reflects upon our commitment to each other or to getting married.

 

[amc80]

I have browsed at a few destination places already and most of them are "just tell us what you want and we'll make it happen" type places. What I want? Simple wedding on the beach with my family and close friends (50 people max, hopefully less) and then a nice dinner afterward.

This is exactly what I want. Where have you looked? Most places I have found have packages that include dinners for like 4 people.

Sorry for the hijack.

 

[kateydid05]

I am looking into the US Virgin Islands because the plane ride is not ridiculous, the weather is roughly the same year round, and it does not require passports (most of my family does not have them). It is a little expensive compared to Mexico but I like it a lot better. I have browsed St. Thomas where I went on vacation back in August. A place called Bolongo Bay is where I stayed and it was very small establishment but personal. Definitely no frills but they were the nicest staff I have ever met. To me that makes all the difference. Another website that I found is for St. John which has the most beautiful beach I have ever seen, and that was http://www.usviwedding.com/ which focuses on the ceremony. Some of the hotels (like Caneel Bay) offer a wedding planner that accommodates you for both ceremony/reception. Once I get engaged I will dive head first into contacting these people more thoroughly (I feel weird doing it now).

 

[amc80]

I am looking into the US Virgin Islands because the plane ride is not ridiculous, the weather is roughly the same year round, and it does not require passports (most of my family does not have them). It is a little expensive compared to Mexico but I like it a lot better. I have browsed St. Thomas where I went on vacation back in August. A place called Bolongo Bay is where I stayed and it was very small establishment but personal. Definitely no frills but they were the nicest staff I have ever met. To me that makes all the difference. Another website that I found is for St. John which has the most beautiful beach I have ever seen, and that was http://www.usviwedding.com/ which focuses on the ceremony. Some of the hotels (like Caneel Bay) offer a wedding planner that accommodates you for both ceremony/reception. Once I get engaged I will dive head first into contacting these people more thoroughly (I feel weird doing it now).

Awesome, thank you!

 

[Jessie702]

We are having a long engagement.It will be at least a year before we really start wedding planning, between him having some health issues, and my schooling and lack of work, its best for us to wait and save money. I had wanted a short engagement, but it is not working out that way and i completely understand, that sometimes life gets in the way. Honestly though, having a long engagement means we can save more, and put less on a credit card, and have plenty of time to plan excatly what we want.

 

[maebelle]

I always said I wanted a short engagement (like, possibly not have an engagement at all and just elope). I know two couples who have been engaged for years (and no date in sight) and used to think "What's the point??" they are both still together though.

But... now I'm at the point in my life where I don't feel like calling my SO a "boyfriend" is serious enough for the relationship. We've been together for three years and a lot of our friends are engaged/married and started dating around the same time or after us. The only thing holding us back from being married is school. So... I've now switched camps! I'd rather have a long engagement (despite the fact that I want to elope) and have the extra amount of (I don't know if this is the right word...) legitimacy. I'm just ready for the next step, even if it sounds a bit like bridal purgatory

With all that said... when you are hitting 2 years of being engaged, make sure you and your fiance are both on the same page about why!

I totally feel you on this!! The word 'boyfriend' has recently (past 2 months) really started bothering me. When you have been dating forever, I feel like it deserves just a little bit more than boyfriend. Maybe we should make up a new word!!

There are so many words to choose from, I don't think the world needs another one! But glad to know I'm not the only one in this camp

 

[blacksand]

I feel the same way. I just feel silly calling him my "boyfriend." I am nearly 30 and almost all of our friends are married, many with children. All of the little brothers and sisters in our social circle are engaged or married now, even the ones who I still think of as babies. Most of my friends slip and refer to my boyfriend as my "husband" all the time, not because they want to pressure us, but just because they probably haven't used the word "boyfriend" since college. It sounds a bit juvenile at this point. I know it's just a word, and not a reflection of how close we are or how strong our relationship is, and I try not to let that get to me. And it also doesn't make a lick of sense to get engaged just to have a new [fancy French] word to be able to apply to your boyfriend! But I am really looking forward to calling him my fiance nonetheless.

 

[mariewest]

I totally feel you on this!! The word 'boyfriend' has recently (past 2 months) really started bothering me. When you have been dating forever, I feel like it deserves just a little bit more than boyfriend. Maybe we should make up a new word!!

I agree also. I think from a professional stand point too, that "boyfriend" just seems a little childish. I've been dating my SO for 4 years and we live together, so the term "boyfriend" just doesn't seem to work. "Fiance" would be fine though eventually for a while. Can't wait to say "Husband."

 

[slg47]

I actually know someone who refers to her boyfriend as her 'partner' to signify that they have a more important relationship than just 'boyfriend' (this always struck me as a little weird but whatever floats your boat!)

 

[iugurl]

I don't really care if people have long engagements. True, sometimes I wonder what is the point of getting engaged so quickly if you will be engaged for 2+ years. It is even more strange to me the people who are engaged 5-10+ years, but NEVER actually have plans to get married... To me being engaged is not just for the ring, or to be able to announce that I am "engaged" it is to actually to plan to get married. Oh well