How to deal with an Anti-Wedding Best Friend...

[lilmissrugger]

So my best friend is a wonderful, fun, terrifically hilarious woman, and I love her to pieces. She''s met my FF and they get along well, but she''s always had a problem with me dating men. Not that she doesn''t like the individual person, but unless she''s in a relationship, she''s very cynical about them, and she isn''t sure if she''ll ever get married. That''s fine if that''s what she wants, I totally respect her for that- she wants to make sure she accomplishes what she wants to before doing anything to her life that involves anyone else in a big way.
I''m 90% sure the FF is going to propose the 4th of July, and I definitely want to have her as a bridesmaid (she would be my MOH if I didn''t have a sister). I''m sure she''ll warm up with time to the idea of me getting married (with a few jabs here and there) but I''m not looking forward to the initial calling/texting "Hey! I''M ENGAGED!" thing.

It''s tough because I am one of two of her close female friends, and she and I lived together for 3 years. She grew up in a house where her parents got a divorce, and she''s had to witness her mom''s failed dating/relationship attempts, and her sister also is EXTREMELY cynical. So she hasn''t grown up in the most healthy "this is how relationships are!" environment. I know that part of it is jealousy, and part of it is her being worried I''m making a mistake (not for my choice, but just by choosing marriage- she would rather no one get married before the age of 30), and another part is a fear of loosing me as a friend. I have done everything possible to assure her and show her that I will be there for her, and not as just a ''married unit''- unless she specifically invites "us" out, I go and hang out with her by myself, so she doesn''t feel like I''m always dragging along the FF.

SO...
How will I be able to let my best friend know that I''m married without letting her attitude bring me down?

I will want to tell her the day it happens, and beyond my family have her be the first person I tell, but I don''t want to kill my "OMGENGAGED" buzz...

What should I do?

 

[purselover]

*sigh* I have a "friend" that is already killing my happy buzz, unfortunately because of the way she''s responded (or lack there of) I don''t think I''m going to tell her. I''ve decided I don''t want to waste my time involving people in my wedding who aren''t going to be 100% happy. This is supposed to be a happy time in our lives, are you really sure you want a bridesmaid who is already stressing you out before the proposal?

 

[CurlySue]

Hmmm... first of all, I think you are a great friend for being so sensitive to your friend''s attitude. It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things to ensure she knows she won''t lose you once you are married.

Have you and she discussed your different views towards marriage and relationships? Is she aware that your engagement is likely going to happen very, very soon?

If you have already done that, and if she truly is a good friend of yours, my guess is that she will be able to be happy for you - if not for the whole getting married thing, then for your personal happiness.

If you haven''t had a heart-to-heart about your impending engagement, I would try to get her to "warm up" to the idea now, so that when it happens she''ll be ready to hear about it. Giving it a little time to sink in will probably help her plan her reaction a little bit more.

I know the 4th of July is right around the corner, but perhaps you can carve out some time with her between now and then - some quality girl time. Try to let her know that even though you don''t necessarily have to agree with every choice and every decision the other makes, you hope you can always count on each other''s support as a friend.

 

[elation]

I agree with curlysue, if you haven''t already told her about impending diamond ring, best to get a heads up on that regardless of how she might react - I mean, you are intending to include her in the wedding party!

Also.. maybe after you do the text/call about the proposal, you could meet up with her in person to talk about it (and maybe why she thinks it might be a mistake and why you are so thrilled). Show her that she still means a ton to you as a friend, regardless. She might be feeling left behind because you''re moving into a new stage of her life and as true as a friend might be, it''d be hard to not think about her own situation when so something life-changing happens to you. I think it''s in human nature to not want to be alone.

At any rate, I think as your true friend she will be happy for you and if her attitude is bringing you down a bit, just look at your new sparkler, think of the new life ahead of you and that will cheer you right up again!

Very best of luck with this situation

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 6/17/2009 3:20:03 PM
Author: CurlySue
Hmmm... first of all, I think you are a great friend for being so sensitive to your friend''s attitude. It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things to ensure she knows she won''t lose you once you are married.


Have you and she discussed your different views towards marriage and relationships? Is she aware that your engagement is likely going to happen very, very soon?


If you have already done that, and if she truly is a good friend of yours, my guess is that she will be able to be happy for you - if not for the whole getting married thing, then for your personal happiness.


If you haven''t had a heart-to-heart about your impending engagement, I would try to get her to ''warm up'' to the idea now, so that when it happens she''ll be ready to hear about it. Giving it a little time to sink in will probably help her plan her reaction a little bit more.


I know the 4th of July is right around the corner, but perhaps you can carve out some time with her between now and then - some quality girl time. Try to let her know that even though you don''t necessarily have to agree with every choice and every decision the other makes, you hope you can always count on each other''s support as a friend.

Ditto this. Ease her into it, see how she reacts, and let her know she''s still important to you. You could even ask her straight out if she''d like to be told as soon as it happens - her reaction to this will be very telling.

 

[fieryred33143]

I don''t think you need to set her up from now at all. She doesn''t have to be excited for you. Sure it would be nice but this is your engagement. If you want to scream it from the rooftops with her shaking her finger at you, then you go right ahead and do that.

You need to get it in your head and realize that she most likely won''t be excited. It''s better that you just prepare yourself for what will very well happen.

Also, for future reference, do not make this girl your MOH. Her attitude won''t change after becoming your MOH and you don''t want future headaches.

 

[megumic]

So funny - I have a friend who is also very unexcited for me to be engaged and I also anticipate an engagement on July 4! And I also plan for her to be a bridesmaid. It''s tough b/c it''s like - why aren''t you excited and happy for me??? For me at least, I do think it is b/c my friend is single and would also like to be in a committed relationship and on the road to marriage. She recently visited (we live far away) and she didn''t want me to even talk about the ring search or anything. It definitely hurt my feelings and made me feel sad.

I honestly have thought about it a lot b/c I just can''t understand not being excited for someone. I plan on calling her when we finally do get engaged to let her know and if she is truly my friend she will be excited for me. And really, at the end of the day, I can control whether or not I''ll let her bring me down. Plus, I think I''ll be SO BEYOND EXCITED to finally be engaged that she could say anything and I won''t care. (Hopefully!)

I''ve decided - bottom line - my engagement is about me and my significant other and I won''t let anyone impact or change that. I may feel differently day of, but for the moment, I''ve made a conscious choice that it''s all about me (for once!)

Keep me posted! Good luck!

 

[Indylady]

Good luck! It is certainly very very frustrating when someone you care so much about doesn''t seem to be very sensitive to your feelings. I applaud you for seeing the bigger picture and trying to understand where she is coming from.

I''m guessing she feels just about as hurt about you getting married as you feel about her not getting excited (if that makes any sense)...

I have friend that''s kind of similar: her parents are divorced and her dad was pretty crummy about it all. Now, it feels like that''s all she expects out of men. She studying to be a pharmacist and makes perfect grades (and works hard for them too!), while her semi-dead beat boyfriend who works on and off and gets fired for stealing breaks up with her by canceling their relationship on Facebook when he gets angry. And then of course they get back together. It sounds good that your friend is standing up for herself and not letting herself get walked all over!

 

[lilmissrugger]

Wow, everybody, thanks for the advice and support!
I really appreciate having this forum as a place to come and talk about stuff like this, and you ladies are great! I will definitely have to let her know that an engagement is on the way...

purselover- I totally agree that I don''t want her killing my buzz and I want everyone to be happy for me- I think she will be happy for me, once she''s had a few weeks to get accustomed to the idea of "losing her single friend". It''s just that initial bit she won''t like

curly sue- Great advice, thank you so much- my FF and I were almost on a wedding reality show, and she was one of the people who was aware that we were going to be doing it, so she definitely knows that marriage is in the cards, but perhaps I should drop a few hints telling her that it may happen VERY soon...

elation- it''s definitely hard for her knowing I''m moving on to my next stage and especially since she recently broke up with a boyfriend. I plan on having more quality girl time- we''ve made plans in the next few weeks to hang out just she and I- so I''m definitely trying to help her move onto me going into that stage...it''s just difficult- I don''t like to see her sad!

Lilykat- great advice to ask her if she wants to be told right away-- thanks!

fiery- I have prepared myself for her to be less than enthusiastic, I just wish I didn''t have to! And no worries, my sister will be my MOH

megumic- good to know someone else is in the kind of same boat (well, not really, but you know what I mean). I hope the situation works out for you! I hope too that I''ll be too excited to really let it get to me, but I really hate seeing anyone upset, so we''ll see how well that goes-- keep me posted, as well! and *dust!!!* to you for the fourth!

szh07- I totally get what you''re saying about her being just as upset about me getting married as I am of her not being excited. I want everyone to be happy, but I guess at the end of the day I need to try to be happy for me no matter what! I''m sorry for your friend- growing up in a situation like that does NOT help you build healthy relationships later on.

I''ll keep you ladies updated on what happens!!!