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Are you changing your name?

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ammayernyc

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I know I''m getting ahead of myself since I''m not even engaged, but I know that this is a decision that I (hopefully) will have to make within the year.

What are people''s thoughts on not changing your name after getting married? I don''t like the hyphenation thing, so I know I wouldn''t do that. The problem really is is that my mother had drilled it in to me that I am not to change my name. She said she regretted changing hers and even tried me to get me to change my middle name to her maiden name. (Didn''t happen...).

I never asked my bf about it but found out how he feel about the subject when he found out that a co-worker didn''t change her name and he reacted with disgust. He can be old fashioned that way.

In some ways, I want to change my name. My bf has a nice, normal, easily-spelled last name that no one can mispronounce or mess up. However, my mom''s not alive anymore so I can''t really convince her that it''s okay for me to change my name and that I will always consider myself a feminist and blah, blah, blah...

Thoughts?
 

snow_happy

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Hi ammayer--

I have thought a lot about this too (also not engaged yet
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). I guess you can call me old-fashioned but I plan on changing my name. I don''t think I will take my maiden name as a middle name but was thinking about changing my middle name (which I don''t particularly like anyways) to my chinese name. I was thinking about keeping a publishing name since I will publish some work under my maiden name prior to getting married but in the end I think it will be easier in general to just have one name. I think it''s also less complicated if you decide to have children because sometimes they could be categorized under one last name and sometimes the other. My children will have my family''s name in Chinese since my bf is caucasian so I think that''s pretty cool.

In the end I think the name thing should really be what you want. I''m sorry your mom put so much pressure on you
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but I''m sure she would be happy knowing you have made a decision that makes YOU happy.
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Gale

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I don''t like the hyphenation thing either, and am seriousy considering changing my last name to his. He''s fine with me maintaining my name though, and says it''s up to me. I have been living with a difficult last name for a long time - I want to get rid of it. Something easier to spell and pronounce, as you say.

All of my business contacts know only really know me by my first name in any event, so that is not a concern. My company is small, and I am the only Gale there, so that is also not a problem. There seems to be a hideously long list of ID items to change though, and that''s a little off-putting.

I wonder how difficult it will be to adjust to hearing my name called differntly?
 

fountainfairfax

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when I got married the first time I was right out of college and had hopes of being a great artist...I couldn''t see changing my name and giving up my identity so I kept my last name. My decision also had to do with the fact that it took us 6 years to get married and by that time I was used to using my last name in conjunction with his and I was also stubborn about the whole thing...I also remembered that there was a girl in high school w/ my first name and my FI''s last name and she was really never nice to me so the idea of having the same name as her freaked me out!!! Later when we were getting divorced my therapist said my decision to keep my name was a sign that I too was not fully committed to the marriage! I''m not sure if she was right or wrong...

this time around I''m looking forward to changing my name, although he keeps telling me he likes my last name better than his! his is hard to pronounce & spell, mine is short and sweet but I look forward to being Mrs B. I may use my maiden name professionally as my middle name so people know who I am, but I''m not going with the hyphen deal.
 

appletini

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I plan to change my last name to his...his is much shorter and easier to pronounce, and then I''ll have my maiden name as my middle name.
 

rms

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Date: 3/16/2005 12:24:48 PM
Author: appletini
I plan to change my last name to his...his is much shorter and easier to pronounce, and then I''ll have my maiden name as my middle name.
ditto...
 

blue_chica

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I''m going to keep mine. I''m not sure what it is that bothers me about changing it, but it just does. Especially since I jokingly said to my BF that he should change his to mine since I''m the last of my generation on my side, and he reacted very strongly with disgust at the idea, suggesting that would be emasculating. That really bugged me, and since I am the last one on my side I''ll be keeping mine. We''ll discuss the children''s names if/when we come to that.
 

Asschman

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I would like to add a male perspective here. While I am pretty certain my GF will be changing her last name to mine, that is not nearly as important to me as the fact that our children have my last name. I feel strongly about future generations carrying my family name.

Is this an issue for you ladies? I can understand the reasoning behind not taking a man''s last name when you get married, but are your children''s last names part of the consideration?
 

ammayernyc

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One thing that my mother really wanted to do, so much so that in her ''closing'' letter to me she said it specifically, was to name my children whatever I want but have their middle names be my last name.

Maybe I can convince my bf that it will be a trade off -- if I change my name to his that he will have to do this for our kids.

My last name and middle name begin with the same initial so if I decide to make that switch, it will be really easy.
 

sparklish

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I definitely plan to keep my name. I just can't imagine having someone else's name personally. I can't imagine not having the same name as my family anymore, and not having the name they gave me. That's just me... also, my name is common, easily to spell. For me it would just be weird to have his parent's name and not my own.

Now, I'm being somewhat contradictory here, but I also don't have worries about my kids. I plan for one to have his name, and the other to have mine. Or maybe we will hyphenate... we haven't fully decided.

But my father also died when I was young and I don't want to give up my link to him. I also want my children to be able to identify with that name as well. What me might to is first name, his family name as middle name, my family name as last name (or vice versa, my name as middle name, his name as last name - we'll probably have to flip a coin on that.
 

elepri

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My mom never changed her name. My grandmother kept hers. My dad changed his last name to his mother''s name so my last name is actually my grandmother''s name. I took my mom''s last name as my middle name as an adult. Basically, there''s no tradition of taking the husband''s name in my family so i''m keeping mine. Or maybe i''ll take my mom''s name as my last. I''m not particularly attached to my last name but my future husband''s name doesn''t sound so great either. As for kids, one will have his and one will have mine. Sounds fair to me.
 

Asschman

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Interesting responses. I admit I do find it a little confusing to give your children different last names--to me, the idea of family is predicated on "one group" versus different individuals. I would think it easier to just hyphenate to establish a joint identity rather than one child is an "X" and the other is a "Y."
 

blue_chica

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Asschman - I would like at least one of our kids, if we have them, to have my last name. I''d prefer to have them all have my last name, so it''s less confusing. I have a feeling there will be some resistance on that, however, so I''ll deal with that when it comes to pass. Our names hyphenated together would be horrible...two foreign, unpronouncable, always misspelled names? Yikes!

We''ve also talked about changing both of our last names to a new last name. One that''s not foreign and is easy to spell and pronounce, but I don''t like that idea since I''m the last of my line. And I don''t think he particularly cares for that idea either.
 

sparklish

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I admit I do find it a little confusing to give your children different last name
.

It''s true. I''m sure it would be one of those annoying things people asked about. "You''re his sister? But why do you have different last names?" But no more annoying than constantly telling people how to spell your name, or other things that people ask...

Besides... it worked for Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen!
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Blue Chica... glad to hear I''m not the only one with this idea.
 

twinkletoes

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I think you should do what YOU want. Just because your mom regretted changing her name, it doesn't mean you will feel the same way. You're two different people.

As for me, I like the tradition and the symbol of union in changing one's name when getting married to one another. I know all our children will have his name, which at the time will also be mine. I don't have a middle name so I was thinking about making my last name into my middle name (my last name can also be a first name) so it would work for me.

ETA: I know a couple who have decided to make up a new lastname for themselves and both change their names to that when they get married. LOL
 

Erin

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Nov 24, 2004
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What about

my first name
my middle name
his last name

dropping my current last name alltogether - is it typical to make your current last name your new middle name?
 

TravelingGal

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Hm...I like the idea of maiden name to middle name. I''m Korean, and I now I wish my last name were Kim or Lee....it would sure sound better than what my last name really is! (many people confuse it for a Chinese last name, and while I like it just fine as a last name, it would be TERRIBLE as a middle!)

I at first told him I wouldn''t change. Just because my first name isn''t common and sounds just fine with my Korean last name. But if I change, I will have a Korean first name and a VERY american/australian sounding last name. Lots of women deal with this, but I like the way my name sounds right now. Still I recently told him that if we ever get married, I will most likely do the name change. I may keep my name professionally though.
 

kanne

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This is an interesting question. In my twenties, I would have said that I was keeping my maiden name. But now, I am looking forward to the change. To me, it means starting a whole new chapter in life. New chapter. New name.

Fountain fairfax..you mentioned that you are an artist. What medium do you use? I am a muralist but am taking classes in textile and surface design.

-lovey
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ammayernyc

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I completely agree Lovey -- which is why I''m having such issues. Since I won''t be married until I''m 30 (at least... unless we elope within the next five weeks) I kind of feel like I should start my new life with a new name.

Both of our last names are nice. I have a friend who just got married and changed her name from a so-so name to a bad name. She complains about it all the time but would never have considered keeping her name.

One of our doorman already calls me Mrs. boyfriend''slastanme. It freaks me out a little... but it''s kind of nice.

I have a friend getting married this summer who''s fiance is changing his name to his stepfather''s so when they get married they will both take his stepfather''s name. I know another couple where the bride changed her name to his last name and then they both changed their name to what his original last name was (his grandfather changed his name when he came to America). It seems much more common these days...
 

Asschman

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Date: 3/16/2005 1:44:17 PM
Author: sparklish

I admit I do find it a little confusing to give your children different last name
.

It''s true. I''m sure it would be one of those annoying things people asked about. ''You''re his sister? But why do you have different last names?'' But no more annoying than constantly telling people how to spell your name, or other things that people ask...

Besides... it worked for Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen!
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Blue Chica... glad to hear I''m not the only one with this idea.
They were both born Estevez, but their father Martin took a stage name, Sheen, and Charlie followed suit to avoid that name dying out. Methinks Sheen just looked better on the big screen for Charlie, since Emilio seems to fit Estevez better than Charles.
 

ammayernyc

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Date: 3/16/2005 2:15:23 PM
Author: Asschman

Date: 3/16/2005 1:44:17 PM
Author: sparklish


I admit I do find it a little confusing to give your children different last name
.

It''s true. I''m sure it would be one of those annoying things people asked about. ''You''re his sister? But why do you have different last names?'' But no more annoying than constantly telling people how to spell your name, or other things that people ask...

Besides... it worked for Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen!
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Blue Chica... glad to hear I''m not the only one with this idea.
They were both born Estevez, but their father Martin took a stage name, Sheen, and Charlie followed suit to avoid that name dying out. Methinks Sheen just looked better on the big screen for Charlie, since Emilio seems to fit Estevez better than Charles.
Acutally, Charlie Sheen is his full stage name. His real name is Carlos Estevez.
 

Buena Girl

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Feb 25, 2004
Messages
982
When I was younger, I always thought that I wanted to keep my last name. However, after years and years of people mispronouncing my last name, mispelling it, asking me to repeat it again, etc., I am SO OVER it!! The hardest part is trying to say/spell my name to someone over the phone.
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I would have to say my biggest gripe about my current last name is that one of the mispronounciations of it is a vulgar word. One of my college professors constantly called me Miss A$$, no matter how many times I corrected him
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ETA: Even last month, a doctor's office receptionist left a message for me on my answering machine and pronounced my name A$$
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YES, I want my b/f's name, and please in a hurry
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Buena Girl

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Oh, I forgot to mention something:

My aunt kept her last name. She and her husband have one kid. The kid has her husband''s last name, and the kid''s first name is a variation of my aunt''s last name. It worked out really well (the kid has a totally normal, common name) !!!
 

lmurden

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Who in the hell came up with this?
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Why should the children get the father's last name?
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What makes the father's last name better than the mother's last name?
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I think parents should forgo a middle name for their children and give them their mother's last name and their fathers last name!
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blueroses

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I''m with Lovey and Ammayer in a lot of ways--when I was younger I was far more conflicted about it all, there are no men on my dad''s side of my generation--last of the line, blahblahblah....not to mention the patriarchal implications. But as I''ve gotten older, I see the value (for me--it''s a choice unique for each woman!) in the tradition, starting anew, same name as my kids, etc.etc.

But I''m conflicted too. My middle name is a family name from my mom''s side, and I use my full name professionally, (I have a very common last name, and my name was already taken in the unions!) so there is also the issue of will I continue to use my full given name as an actor but my new married name in life, or use my "new" name as an actor--since let''s face it, I''m unknown and there''d be little harm in changing at this point in my career?? And then....my last name is COMMON--like, not Smith, but it''s up there. My boyfriend''s last name is pretty distinctive and catchy, if you will...but I AM attached to my own name too, of course.

My sister and one of my best friends both now have 2 middle names--they took their husband''s names but now (just examples, not their real names) are like: Mary H. J. Smith, or Anne T. Robbins Zales. (Hee. Couldn''t resist the maul names.)

But I also have 2 friends who''ve done very matriarchal/unconventional stuff. One girl''s husband changed HIS name to hers and their family has her family name. I think he''s a ROCK STAR for doing this frankly! And it made sense for them. She''s like, 4th generation in this city, very close to all her family, cool name....his last name is one he''s not attached to since he was adopted by a step-father and had no connection to the bio-dad whose name it was anyway, so it was a great choice for them. Another friend (the one whose wedding I was in with the golden retrievers for you long-term LIW!!!) and her hubby created a new name that combined their two with a bit of whimsy. Ironically, similar sitch with the husband''s dad (his bio-dad had died when he was 5 and he was raised by a step-dad he adores and considers his dad.....plus some abuse from the bio-dad''s family, bad stuff). But their new name is AWESOME (if I say so.....they took suggestions from friend''s and chose mine!!) and it suits them so much. THey are both children of divorce and loved the idea of starting anew.

Long story boring? There is no right or wrong answer. Apparently something like only 5% of American women either keep or hyphenate their names (read this last week). I lean towards like a "rodham clinton" or "cox arquette" thing--where it''s not a hyphenate but more of using the maiden as a middle name. But then I have the whole quandry of my ACTUAL middle name which I already currently use that way, and I can''t go around all "mary kate ashley olsen" or whatever
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blueroses

Ideal_Rock
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Oh, and to respond to LM''s question?

That''d be "The Man"
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No, seriously, Western Civ has been patriarchal. In a lot of Latin cultures, kids have two last names--one from mom, one from dad, but then when they grow up and have kids, it''s only the dad''s/granddad''s name that is passed down, so it still ends up as paternalistic. (Example: Jose Ortiz Gonzalez marries Maria Martinez Iglesias. Their kids'' last name is Ortiz Martinez.)
 

NoonersMom

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353
Very interesting responses indeed! I have a difficult first name and easy last name. He has an easy first name (at least the name he goes by in the US, in Malaysia that''s another story) & extremely difficult last name (12 characters). We are a mixed couple. My biggest concern is that IF I keep my last name, our children won''t look like me or have the same last name. (It''s already difficult to come to grips that physically, my kids will not look like me except for bone structure...there goes the great Danish blood). Aside from them calling me mom, how else is one to know that they are my children?

So, on that note, I will probably take his last name. Hadn''t thought of moving my last name to my middle name. Like the idea of that & will probably go down that path. I also like the idea of starting a new chapter in my life. For us, our family name will be his, especially since we will most likely be the first to continue his family line. My family line has already been perpetuated, compliments of my brother.

Each situation is different. One must do what they believe is best for their situation & what the feel is right in their heart of hearts.
 

MelissaSue

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Date: 3/16/2005 12:54:28 PM
Author: sparklish
I definitely plan to keep my name. I just can''t imagine having someone else''s name personally. I can''t imagine not having the same name as my family anymore, and not having the name they gave me. That''s just me... also, my name is common, easily to spell. For me it would just be weird to have his parent''s name and not my own.

Now, I''m being somewhat contradictory here, but I also don''t have worries about my kids. I plan for one to have his name, and the other to have mine. Or maybe we will hyphenate... we haven''t fully decided.

But my father also died when I was young and I don''t want to give up my link to him. I also want my children to be able to identify with that name as well. What me might to is first name, his family name as middle name, my family name as last name (or vice versa, my name as middle name, his name as last name - we''ll probably have to flip a coin on that.
REALLY? You would give your children DIFFERENT last names? I wouldn''t ever ever do that.. The poor kids would be SO confused their whole lives and would always have to explain it to everyone they met.. They will always be asked if they have different fathers or are step siblings or whatever.. I can totally repect you keeping your name.. but please hyphenate your childrens names or use one name as a middle name.. I have a friend whose mother did not change her name and he technically had both last names..PLUS a middle name.. but they weren''t hyphenated and he only went by the second one (his dads).

As for me.. I''m taking my fiances last name.. even though I don''t love it.. I love him and I think it only makes sense for us to become a FAMILY when we get married, we should have the same last name! Obviously our children will also have his last name, and I don''t think they will have my maiden name as any part of their names. I''m not very attached to that side of my family.

When my sister got married, she turned her maiden name into her middle name and also gave my oldest neice her maiden name as a middle name. Which is fine, except my neice is gonna get weird looks when she tells people what her middle name is for the rest of her life..

ANOTHER thing is, my aunt changed her name when she was married the first time and they had a little girl and the little girls FIRST name was my aunts maiden name.. Its a name that WORKS as a first name though (Morgan).. but everyone in my family thought it was the stupidest idea.. Its not so bad now that we have been used to it for 15 years though.
 

lmurden

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
2,101
The thing is when the married couple is together most people refer to the couple as the husbands last name so why should the woman bother to change her name. She can keep her name and still be known by both.

Anyway half of marriages end in divorce so what's the point!
Lets not even mention that many divorced men don't even take care of their children when the marriage is over. I know this is very negative but it is a reality!

P.S.

I'm in a mix relationship and I don't give a damn how the kids LOOK they and everybody else will know that I am their mother regardless if we look alike! By the way, lots of people don't look like one parent including me.
 

fortheloveofdiamonds

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I changed my last name to his. It symbolizes are union. Why didn''t he take mine? Because traditionally the woman takes her husband''s name. Does that banish her to the kitchen to make apple pies while he brings home the bacon? No way! Im as successful as my husband. I am Me Husband''s Last Name, not Mrs. Husband''s last name.

Do what YOU want, not what your mother, father, neighbor or best friend wishes. It''s you who ultimately knows best!
 
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