Annoyed/Mad/Sad

[Autumnovember]

On Sunday, I graduated college. YAYYY! Thats all fun and dandy especially because I completed my bachelors with a strong 3.7 GPA and magna cum laude.

I thought MAYBE after graduation he would pop the special question...nope. Still nothing.

Going on 7 months that ring has been in the safe. Im starting to get really annoyed and angry and I'm starting to hold in resentment which I know isn't good. I feel rejected.

At first he told me it would be before the end of the year and after much thought I told him I wasn't willing to wait that long considering we have been living together for almost 2 years. Not only that, but I'm committing to a nursing school for 15 months thats by his house (and I would of course, live with him still with no engagement?) On top of this, he admitted later that he was going to wait until December to do it.

Now, he told me it would be before summer ended in August and went ahead and spilled the beans that he had a choice between 10 days. I thought about it for 5 minutes and realized that we're going away on vacation for 10 days in August. So AGAIN hes waiting till the very end. Almost as if he is buying as much time as possible before he does it. I laughed it off and told him he ruined the surprised at which he told me that he was going to go with his original proposal idea.

I told him how I felt and he just says "no, no, no, thats not it at all. I'm just waiting for the right time"

I should add that he is deathly afraid of divorce. I have told him many times that when you allow for divorce to be an option from the get go, it becomes easier to do it. For me, when I get married and if things are headed in that direction I will do anything and everything possible to save my marriage before I even consider divorce. I tried to explain to him that his fear is normal in today's society but sometimes you have to let go of the fears because they end up consuming you and stopping you from doing the things you want.

I really would like to burst up in FLAMES.

I feel like by the time he does it, all my energy isn't even going to be there anymore as I feel like I've used most of it on being annoyed about all of this.

How could I be excited if I feel so rejected?

 

[dragonfly411]

Autumn
Does he maybe want to do something creative and romantic, but hasn''t come up with something that he thinks is good enough? Maybe he wants it to be totally special but is having a hard time in the creative department.

 

[Indylady]

Either you''re having a little mis-communication, or he''s not entirely ready yet. Or perhaps he''s trying to truly surprise you?

Congrats on your graduation!! I graduated 2 weeks ago

.

 

[Autumnovember]

Dragon--doubtful on the creative/romantic thing he isn't that kinda guy =/

Indy--Maybe? According to him it has to be the right "time and moment", which is fine. But he's had more then enough time for the "right time and moment". He SAYS he is ready. If he isn't ready yet and he isn't telling me then there is something severely wrong with our communication. Not only that, but if he isn't ready by now...I have some serious thinking to do. I'm moving forward with my life and I can't wait around forever for him like some of my girl friends have done with their boyfriends thus far.

 

[HappyNewLife]

having a ring in the safe for 7 months is LONG ENOUGH, he needs to stop being a butt and propose already.

have you told him about how you feel? he needs to know about your timeline if you haven''t shared that with him. he seems perfectly happy to wait and wait and wait.

sorry honey, i''m sure this is super frustrating for you.

 

[Autumnovember]

Happy---Thank God someone else sees my frustration. I feel like a huge brat as it is giving a "timeline" but come on, enough is enough. 7 months is more then enough time for sure. He does know my feelings about this and he keeps telling me he promises its going to come before August ends. While thats only 2 months away I''m still so annoyed that he has to wait till the very end again. GRRRRRRR. He knows how much it''s been bothering me. Every single time I tell him about how it makes me feel he has NOTHING, and I means, NOTHING to say back. When he has nothing to say, usually it means I''m right. Bah!

/vent.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/18/2010 6:08:29 PM
Author: Autumnovember
Happy---Thank God someone else sees my frustration. I feel like a huge brat as it is giving a ''timeline'' but come on, enough is enough. 7 months is more then enough time for sure. He does know my feelings about this and he keeps telling me he promises its going to come before August ends. While thats only 2 months away I''m still so annoyed that he has to wait till the very end again. GRRRRRRR. He knows how much it''s been bothering me. Every single time I tell him about how it makes me feel he has NOTHING, and I means, NOTHING to say back. When he has nothing to say, usually it means I''m right. Bah!

/vent.

Is it possible that August was his plan and wanted to surprise you? A nice vacation away means lots of quiet/personal/memorable/(whatever else he is looking for) moments to give you a special proposal.


Take a look at the proposal ideas section of PS -- you''ll find guys who "aren''t romantic" trying to get stuff just right.

 

[Autumnovember]

Eh...I truly can sense it is him buying time plain and simple

Which is why there is a total lack of enthusiasm on my part. When I tell him this he says "I want to do it right. This is the biggest decision of my life.".....no, really...as if I didn''t know this already. Can you tell how not happy I am? hah.

 

[dawnabee]

WOW I feel your pain! I wish I could add some grand advice to make you get past this frustrated feeling... it does totally ruin it on your side if you are thinking he is stalling for time. I felt this way too with my SO he wanted to wait till the end of this year and I was like why??? whats the point if you know you want the same things etc. He just didn''t get it and I wasn''t getting it either.. so we compromised by early October. I found out that he wanted to do it at a special time in November around my b-day (which I totally don''t like the idea of) but anyway he wasn''t stalling... he was just trying to plan it out in his own way. But now I am starting to think he will wait til the last week of September to do it. I told him if he does that I will totally freak out!! Like cmon how much can you procrastinate!!! Its true torture and men don''t understand it

 

[Autumnovember]

His car is currently in Miami getting a twin turbo put in it. He LOVES LOVES his car. Its been in miami for almost two months now. The other day he mentioned what TORTURE it was to not have his car around to drive in this beautiful weather. I laughed and said, "oh really? Well I''m glad you at least feel an ounce of the torture I''ve felt the last SEVEN months"

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m sorry you''re so frustrated Autumnovember - I can imagine that I would probably feel the same way in your shoes!

 

[babycush]

Autumn- we are seriously in the same boat. I know I wrote this in your other post a while back, but we bought the ring in December. He says he's waiting for a "specific/special/romantic moment" that he has in mind. The only special occasion that I can think of coming up for us would be are 3 year anniversary... and that's December 1. Meanwhile, my best friend talked to him last weekend and all she told me was that my finger "would be a little less naked by the time cold weather hits" (we lived in the northern hemisphere so that's not for at least 6 months!). So unless she was trying to throw me off the scent, I am in for a long, tortured wait. We talk all the time about how we want to get married next summer, and I have told him that I want to be engaged for about a year, so I think he just hasn't done the math because he is genuinely interested and excited to talk about the wedding/our married life.

I go through spurts of being mega-annoyed to mostly forgetting about it. Right now I'm mega-annoyed

ETA: Also, congrats on graduating!

 

[Autumnovember]

Its comforting knowing I''m not the only one who is dealing with this. Although at the same time I''m not happy because I know how much it sucks!

The plus side to this is that when I was talking to him earlier, he told me flat out "Im ready right now, Im just waiting for the perfect opportunity. Just roll with the punches for now.."

Well...I guess I''m glad knowing he IS ready and I can stop questioning that..

 

[babycush]

Date: 5/18/2010 10:51:18 PM
Author: Autumnovember

The plus side to this is that when I was talking to him earlier, he told me flat out ''Im ready right now, Im just waiting for the perfect opportunity. Just roll with the punches for now..''

Are we dating the same man? I think I''ve heard almost the exact same thing come out of M''s mouth

 

[Autumnovember]

hahahahah oh my God. Imagine that travesty. Mine is 36, yours??

 

[babycush]

We''re safe, mine is 25

lol

 

[RaiKai]

While I have not had to deal with this...I definitely do feel for you.

It is interesting that he has the ring, has said he wants to propose, and is having you wait this long when he knows you are feeling stressed out about it. I think at this point you are moving beyond impatience, to wondering...why are we waiting so long? Maybe he is NOT ready and his "perfect plan" is the scapegoat for that....but....then he needs to be honest about that. In your shoes, after 7 months of him HAVING the ring in a safe and you KNOWING about it, and the way it has been handled, I would start to feel quite disappointed too. Indeed, I would have already asked him...but that is another matter.

I am stuck on his response that "I want to do it right. This is the biggest decision of my life" - I read that and think...wait, has he not already MADE that decision to marry you...hence why he has the ring? Is he still really coming to terms with it? What is going on? I am not trying to put doubts in your mind...I suppose I am just a bit confused about his thinking process....as I imagine he is and you are!

As for the fear of divorce - well, I guess my response to that is that lots of people have had some pretty close experiences with divorce - either personally or through their own family and friend situations. Most do not ever want to go down that route.

But life is not to be lived in fear. And while I do not ever want to go through a divorce personally, I do also know it is not the worst thing in the world to happen to people in all situations. It is certainly not something to be "deathly afraid of". That WILL prevent him from moving forward and developing the bond you two need to minimize the chances of divorce. Right now, you are already seeing how these fears are leading to resentments and feelings of rejection - those are toxic in a relationship. I do recommend he talk to a counselor, or that together you go to premarital, to discuss these sorts of fears and issues and get some feedback as to how as a couple together you can build a strong marriage to minimize those risks.

At 36 years old...it is time he started to confront his fears and be responsible for his choices in life....including learning more about the root of his fears and realizing that his fears should not control him.

 

[HopeDream]

Oh Autumnovember, I'm sorry for your stress.

First: Find your BF (make sure you have his full attention) and give him a big hug and a passionate kiss - when he kisses you back feel how much he loves you and is crazy about you and let that soothe some of your bitterness. He is not rejecting you.

Is his fear of divorce being heart broken and left alone, or that you could take him to the cleaners? A good Prenuptual agreement of a fair divorce settlement will ally his money fears if he has them (Prenups are like insurance: you never plan to use them, but they can be realy helpful in an unexpected disaster). Couples counseling could be helpful to address the emotional side of his divorce fear - learning good communication and conflict resolution skills now from a professional could help prevent a divorce in the future. I think ignoring his fear of divorce will only make it worse.

He's probably planning the most romantic proposal in the world which will result in an awesome story you will be able to tell friends and relatives for years to come. Trust him and cut him some slack. Every time you feel anxious, just kiss him again.

(Congratualtions on Graduating with a high GPA btw - you must have worked very hard!)

 

[blacksand]

Congratulations on graduating, and magna cum laude at that!

I''m sorry for the frustration you must be feeling. At first, I thought I''d give him the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps he is so fixated on having the perfect proposal when you go on vacation that he just isn''t seeing how much you''re suffering. But I have to admit, his later statement, "this is the biggest decision of my life," is troublesome. He should have made that big decision more than 7 months ago, before the ring was purchased. Now he seems to be backtracking, which doesn''t bode especially well. I can understand a little case of cold feet, and I hope that''s all it is, but wavering on his decision to marry you is far scarier. I hope you''ll soon get some relief, either way.

 

[luckynumber]

Date: 5/19/2010 12:40:44 PM
Author: blacksand
Congratulations on graduating, and magna cum laude at that!

I''m sorry for the frustration you must be feeling. At first, I thought I''d give him the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps he is so fixated on having the perfect proposal when you go on vacation that he just isn''t seeing how much you''re suffering. But I have to admit, his later statement, ''this is the biggest decision of my life,'' is troublesome. He should have made that big decision more than 7 months ago, before the ring was purchased. Now he seems to be backtracking, which doesn''t bode especially well. I can understand a little case of cold feet, and I hope that''s all it is, but wavering on his decision to marry you is far scarier. I hope you''ll soon get some relief, either way.

THIS.

whaddyamean this is the biggest decison of your life?

didn''t you make that decision er, like SEVEN months ago when you dropped many thousands of dollars on a piece of carbon??

this sorta thing would deffo set off all sorts of alarm bells in my head.

i totally get why you are not happy autumnovember, i wouldn''t be smiling in your shoes either.

 

[Autumnovember]

RaiKai! Thank you so much for your input. I completely agree with EVERYTHING that you have said and I wish I was able to tell it to him exactly the way you wrote it last night when we talked about all of this. I actually think he is himself confused. He did the whole ring buying thing very backwards. When I asked him why he bought such an expensive item like that without being ready first, he told me that he had the money at the time and saw something he really liked that he knew he would use to propose to me with. Some background info: He has 6 brothers, ranging in the age of 28-44. The oldest is the only one closest to marriage---thats in June. The rest are all single. I think his upbringing has affected him tremendously in the female department, and while that cannot be an excuse all the time time I know it does play a role. I do try to be as sympathetic as I possibly can about his mom and how she brought them all up, but sometimes I can''t be. I think talking to a counselor is a really good idea, and that is something I will definitely bring up to him. I think there are a lot of underlying issues here with him that he keeps to himself that need to be resolved. I do know, that this is going to be a continuous problem even after we are engaged and this absolutely needs to be tended to. He was never taught how to show love and how to express himself because his own mother never did. Thanks so much for the input, I greatly appreciate it

 

[luckynumber]

hell yeah he did it backwards!!

obviously, guys in that family are not the marrying early type. i guess you gotta roll with the punches there.

can you pretend that there is no ring yet, and take a few steps back???

or is that my mojito talking??

 

[damons]

"I want to do it right. This is the biggest decision of my life"

Maybe he means that how he is going to propose is the biggest decision of his life. I''m just saying that because I want my proposal to my partner to be perfect. It is all I think about, and I want her to have a sweet story to tell her friends.

There is, however, something that is more important to me than the "perfect proposal" and that is a happy girlfriend. My partner doesn''t know that I have the ring. But trust me when I tell you that if she knew I had the ring and was hurt by the fact that I wouldn''t give it to her, then I would buy her flowers on my way home from work, take her out to her favorite restaurant TONIGHT and propose. The "perfect" proposal isn''t "perfect" if it is shadowed by feelings of rejection.

By the time I propose, I will have had the ring for about 5 weeks. It is hard enough waiting that long to give it to her. I couldn''t imagine waiting 7 months. I am excited to give it to her and to call her my fiance. And your boyfriend should be excited to give you the ring and call you his fiance.

I think you two need to have a talk.

 

[Autumnovember]

HopeDream- His fear is of both. He told me he never wants to go through the heartbreak that has been associated with divorce (keep in mind, I''m his first serious relationship due to his career). He also is afraid of me taking him to the cleaners, haha. I have to remind him the he knows me character and knows I am not after money. I even told him if he wanted to, I''d sign a pre-nup. I have no issues doing that whatsoever, because I truly love him for him not for his bank account. So the pre-nup is definitely a go. When I assure him I''ll do it he starts to feel bad and say that he feels guilty that hes making me feeling like he doesn''t trust me 100%. But, I really don''t mind. Even though it does make me feel that way a bit..I''d rather him have peace of mind. He definitely needs to learn better communication and counseling may be able to help him with this. He is very well aware of his communication issues. Thus far, he has been trying to improve that aspect but I know he still struggles. I agree that ignoring his fear with divorce will only make it worse as well.

I promised myself last night not to bring up this topic again until it happens...

And thank you so much!! It definitely took a lot of effort to graduate with that, but it was well worth it without a doubt.

 

[Autumnovember]

I am so glad everyone else is seeing the stupidity he is spitting out. I really thought I was the only one and decided I was Ms. Psycho.

I have told him numerous times that he making the "biggest decision in your life" is a process that should have began a long long long time ago. It is not a decision you make in two months (the time in which he is supposed to propose). He then retracted what he said and said "I know, I have been! I want to be positive" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

He is like a lost puppy. He really is. He baffles me.

So then of course, I come back and say "didn''t you decide that when you bought that 30k ring? You don''t buy something that expensive without being sure."

His response, "I was sure when I was buying it that it was for you and I would propose with it someday, I just didn''t know when. I''m waiting for the right moment.".....and then after that I end up tuning him out because its like a broken record with us that continues to go back and forth like it has many times.

He doesn''t see that holding on to a ring for THIS long is NOT normal. I shouldn''t have expected him to think any other way considering none of his brothers are married and his one friend who he does talk to is a guy who plans on never marrying. So he has nothing at all to compare to.

He told me because hes held onto the ring for so long doesn''t make him a bad person and to stop treating him like one.

Great---way to make me feel awful. I told him that I never said he was a bad person, I just said it was a bad situation and this was all done wrong.

His response, "you''re going to be so surprised when I do it, everything will turn out the way you''ve wanted it to"

at which I''ve told him that none of this has been the way that I wanted. None of it.

 

[Autumnovember]

Damon, I couldn''t agree more. thank you for the input and advice...

We talked yesterday, for a very very long time. I laid out my thoughts entirely and completely. Everything.

 

[HVVS]

What kind of assets does he have that he thinks he'll need to protect?? In Pennsylvania, the average R.N. salary is quoted as $63k per year by the PA government entity that tracks such things. With a BSRN and OT, you could go up to $100k annually. If it were me, I might give him until August, but I'd start looking for a place of my own now, and let him know that I was at least looking. If you are a nursing student and he can't make a commitment, you don't need to be wasting your study time helping him get meals, and keeping his place clean, and doing his laundry for him. He can just go get a new roommate.

His response, "you're going to be so surprised when I do it, everything will turn out the way you've wanted it to"

at which I've told him that none of this has been the way that I wanted. None of it.

Ha Ha! Good for you. Men have to learn that they can't just keep women at their beck and call forever.

 

[luckynumber]

whoa.

how did he react?

sounds like he doesn''t have any good male role models around....

 

[Natylad]

Date: 5/19/2010 11:14:11 AM
Author: RaiKai
While I have not had to deal with this...I definitely do feel for you.

It is interesting that he has the ring, has said he wants to propose, and is having you wait this long when he knows you are feeling stressed out about it. I think at this point you are moving beyond impatience, to wondering...why are we waiting so long? Maybe he is NOT ready and his ''perfect plan'' is the scapegoat for that....but....then he needs to be honest about that. In your shoes, after 7 months of him HAVING the ring in a safe and you KNOWING about it, and the way it has been handled, I would start to feel quite disappointed too. Indeed, I would have already asked him...but that is another matter.

I am stuck on his response that ''I want to do it right. This is the biggest decision of my life'' - I read that and think...wait, has he not already MADE that decision to marry you...hence why he has the ring? Is he still really coming to terms with it? What is going on? I am not trying to put doubts in your mind...I suppose I am just a bit confused about his thinking process....as I imagine he is and you are!

As for the fear of divorce - well, I guess my response to that is that lots of people have had some pretty close experiences with divorce - either personally or through their own family and friend situations. Most do not ever want to go down that route.

But life is not to be lived in fear. And while I do not ever want to go through a divorce personally, I do also know it is not the worst thing in the world to happen to people in all situations. It is certainly not something to be ''deathly afraid of''. That WILL prevent him from moving forward and developing the bond you two need to minimize the chances of divorce. Right now, you are already seeing how these fears are leading to resentments and feelings of rejection - those are toxic in a relationship. I do recommend he talk to a counselor, or that together you go to premarital, to discuss these sorts of fears and issues and get some feedback as to how as a couple together you can build a strong marriage to minimize those risks.

At 36 years old...it is time he started to confront his fears and be responsible for his choices in life....including learning more about the root of his fears and realizing that his fears should not control him.

Ditto RaiKai...

 

[Autumnovember]

He has a lot of liquid assets and a lot of money saved in the bank. He''s very open with me and his financial situation and how much money he has in assets and savings. I''m originally from PA We''re both in Jersey now, and planning on going back to PA when I finish nursing school in a year and a half. I have my B.A. now and will have a BSN shortly...maybe I should make HIM sign a pre-nup [

haha. I''m giving him until August and thats it. Luckily for me I''m taking my pre-requisites back in PA so I''ll have to live at home with my parents for a couple months (cheaper for me to take the classes here since I''m in-state as opposed to Jersey). And you''re right--thats exactly what I''ve told him. At the same time, I feel like I''m pushing him and thats the last thing I want. I don''t want to force anyone into doing anything they don''t want to especially marriage so I told him that last night was the last time we talk about it. I''m going to leave this in his hands until August. When August ends and nothing has happened...we''ll have some serious problems.