FF not happy when I go to the gym...

[Jena17]

I need some advice. My FF just got into an agument last night about me going to the gym when I get off work. I work in an office for 8 hours and the gym is my way of destressing. For a while, I hadn''t been going as much since we have been so busy but he was gone hunting for about 3 weeks on an annual hunting trip and while he was gone I got back into my routine of going and this week I contined when he got back. Well, he said that I have changed and that he doesn''t feel important enough and that I think the gym is more important to me than coming home and spending time with him and cooking dinner together so we don''t have to eat at 7-8 at night... I go to the gym for an hour after work and then straight home but he takes it as it''s more important and that I look fine and don''t need to go! I have gained 10 pounds since we have been dating and my clothes have not been fitting the way they used to and I really don''t want to have to buy a new wardrobe! He then realized that it was a stupid argument and said that he just saw a change in our schedules and wasn''t used to it and didn''t know why. He understands that it is something I like doing for myself and we just need to get into a routine. But before his trip, I would come home after work and sit and watch my soaps on tv for an hour while he was out doing his stuff in the garage working on projects (he can''t sit still) So to me I really didn''t see what the difference was if I was home sitting on the couch or at the gym but he seems I am putting that in front of our relationship! What do you guys think about this! We love each other so much and we are fine now after we talked, I told him I would try to get up in the mornings when he leaves and go to the gym or do some workout dvds at home so after work I can come home to him. But I really don''t think it''s wrong to want to take an hour after work for myself! Just some opinions on this would be great! Thanks

 

[BeachRunner]

I''m sorry to hear your boyfriend is not supportive of your gym habits.

I habitually go to the gym after work, BUT my SO works during the evenings so it works out. He is off on Mondays, and I still go to the gym after work. My SO is supportive and understands that I need that time at the gym. Its such a part of my routine that I think he knows to respect that. If your SO doesn''t respect your needs, then it seems like that situation needs to be discussed.

Hope your situation gets better!

 

[dragonfly411]

Jena
Your guy sounds a LOT like my SO. My solution? Get him involved. SO and I jog together a few times a week before dinner, or I have him hold my feet after dinner while I do sit ups. He likes the extra time spent together, and we get a work out!

 

[Jena17]

Thanks! I really don''t think it''s a controlling issue. He doesn''t like change and I think it''s just adjusting to a routine that he isn''t used to. We just moved in together about 4 months ago. I can somewhat understand what he is saying. He gets up and goes to work at 5am and I don''t have to be to work until 8am. He gets off early and I work until 5. So I can understand that waiting until I get home at 6:30 to start cooking dinner (which we do together) and eating at 7:30 is late to him and he wants to be relaxing by that time not just eating dinner. But at the same time I deserve "me" time and maybe I am being selfish and doing it after work instead of in the mornings so we do have more time to spend together in the evenings! I guess it''s not such a bad thing for my FF to want to spend time with me!

And I have tried to get him to go, he did sign up at my gym and we went a couple times but he works hard out in the hot sun all day long and the last thing he wants to do after work is go sweat somemore in a gym. I understand that also, but I sit all day long and need to do some activity sometime in the day!

 

[blondebunny]

Tell him you are going to the gym to maintain your health (along with distressing from work) and that by improving your health at a young age you will live a longer/happier/healthier life with him

Tell him it makes you feel better about yourself when you go to the gym.. Alot of people tend to gain weight when they are in relationships...

Maybe you guys could do what me and my FF do.. Since Im home all day, and he is at school during the day, and then I am at school during the night, we never get to spend that much time together.. So on the weekends.. we designate a "date" night and we alternate who plans it... its fun and different

 

[vespergirl]

For me, my workouts are necessary for my mental health, as well as my physical well-being. I am lucky that my husband supports my jogging, and he likes to work out too. Because we have a toddler, though, there have definitely been days when I''m sure that one of us resented the other because we decided to work out and leave the spouse with the sick or crying kid. But, it''s not like you''re at the gym 6 hours a day, he should be able to manage 1 hour without you. I think that you should just make that a non-negotiable, and he has got to live with it.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I think you deserve an hour by yourself. ANother solution might be going to the gym before work maybe one morning a week because then you might be able to spend more time at night... but then again it is only an hour! Good luck

 

[neatfreak]

Regardless of whether it''s controlling behavior or not, it''s not HEALTHY behavior on his part. He''s allowed to go away for 3 weeks to go hunting and you can''t go to the gym at night? He seriously needs a reality check IMO. You deserve time for yourself too and it isn''t too much to ask to get an hour a day for yourself!

 

[Jena17]

I did bring up the fact that he hasn''t stopped what he likes to do like going on that hunting trip for me and that made things worse because he took it as I was doing this just to punish him for going on that trip, which is not at all what I was doing! He is a VERY loving and caring guy and does anything for me and he does let me be my own person. It''s just he likes our evenings together to cook dinner and relax! And the weekends we are always on the go, either camping, fishing, snowboarding, going to the lake, weekend trips, we rarely stay home and we are always together so he likes his weeknights to relax! So I am just going to compromise and do my workouts in the morning, which I used to go running in the mornings before we were together so it''s not too bad to make a change for our relationship.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/2/2008 3:27:22 PM
Author: Jena17
I did bring up the fact that he hasn''t stopped what he likes to do like going on that hunting trip for me and that made things worse because he took it as I was doing this just to punish him for going on that trip, which is not at all what I was doing! He is a VERY loving and caring guy and does anything for me and he does let me be my own person. It''s just he likes our evenings together to cook dinner and relax! And the weekends we are always on the go, either camping, fishing, snowboarding, going to the lake, weekend trips, we rarely stay home and we are always together so he likes his weeknights to relax! So I am just going to compromise and do my workouts in the morning, which I used to go running in the mornings before we were together so it''s not too bad to make a change for our relationship.

Just please make sure that this isn''t an indicator of problems in the future. He needs to be willing to listen to you and see your side of things too. If you are always the one that changes your life for him it doesn''t set a good precedent for the relationship.

 

[Jena17]

Thank you neatfreak, we did have that talk and he realized he was just upset cause it seemed like I had changed when he left and was trying to punish him for going on his trip and not thinking about him and just doing what I want to do and not think of him at all.. but after I explained I need to workout or do something to make myself feel better and for my health ( I am not overweight at all, I just like to be in shape) he said he loves that I want to keep myself healthy and that I need that and that he just wants a routine, like I go to the gym these 3 nights and he knows he has to cook dinner and the other nights I could maybe workout in the morning and be home to cook those nights.. So he is being good about it all, I think my frustration was the way he brought up the topic and handled it at the beginning which he understands was wrong and has appologized for.. he is even taking me on a romantic getaway next weekend in Tahoe!!

 

[dragonfly411]

Jena your guy = my guy. Very similar personality type and I see your story clearly. He''s not trying to be controlling or ill tempered, he wants that down time with you to relax. My so goes to work earlier and gets home earlier than me as well. He likes for us to cook dinner and relax together, and hates when I''m gone if he has nothing to do WHILE I''m gone. He works outside, so again, doesn''t like to do a lot after work, and guess what? he hunts too lol. What if you went to the gym in the mornings instead? After he has left for work, and while you have some down time? OR go to the gym after dinner while he''s de stressing? I would point out to him that it is your way of unwinding, and you''d really like his support. Tell him you aren''t doing it as punishment, but as something you''ve always done, and maybe you could find activities to do together in place, like going for a walk, or bike rides (SO and I enjoy this), since he likes to be outside and moving too. Or maybe suggest rock climbing?

 

[Jena17]

Thank you so much dragonfly411! We do seem to have a lot in common in our relationships! I am really going to try to motivate myself to get my workouts done in the morning, I''ve done it before and it is nice once I get into a routine so I won''t have to worry about working out in the evenings, it will be done! It''s good knowing I am not the only one in this situation!

 

[idreamofcushions]

Hmmm, there may be some underlying issues there that need to be resolved. Why is he feeling insecure about you going to the gym? If it''s because he doesn''t like having his routine thrown off, then why doesn''t he get upset when you''re watching tv rather than preparing dinner? My suggestion is to have an open conversation about what your needs are vs what he needs from you. You may reach a happy medium, like joining a gym together and being work out buddies. Chances are that''ll even make you closer

However, I don''t think you should give up going to the gym since it''s a healthy habit. My SO is always trying to encourage me to workout - I need all the motivation I can get! lol

 

[LaraOnline]

I think it is a control issue, and I don''t mean to sound like I think your guy is some weird freak who is going to start calling you at all hours of the day to make sure you are at your desk.
Lots of guys don''t like their girls going to the gym.
But... is your gym a real meat market? No? Do you keep to yourself? Yes?
At the end of the day, an hour out of your time - being home at 6.30pm - is a really trivial matter. If he wanted to eat immediately you got home, he could always cook the dinner!
An hour of your time, say, four midweek nights a week... what''s his problem?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I obviously do not know you or your BF but this seems like a huge red flag to me. Very strange. I don''t think *THIS* is something you should have to compromise on. It''s NOT a bad thing to want your BF to spend time with you but it is bad if he expects you to change to meet ONLY his needs. Also there is nothing wrong with time apart to do your own interests/hobbies. I am worried this harsh reaction (and maybe obsessive and controlling qualities) won''t stop at you going to the gym but show itself with future issues too.

 

[Haven]

Date: 10/2/2008 3:17:15 PM
Author: neatfreak
Regardless of whether it''s controlling behavior or not, it''s not HEALTHY behavior on his part. He''s allowed to go away for 3 weeks to go hunting and you can''t go to the gym at night? He seriously needs a reality check IMO. You deserve time for yourself too and it isn''t too much to ask to get an hour a day for yourself!

Big ditto.

His behavior sounds bizarre. And personally, I don''t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself and your physical and mental health before your partner every once in a while. If you don''t take care of yourself you won''t be a very good partner, anyway.

Red flag, IMO.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 10/9/2008 11:32:32 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 10/2/2008 3:17:15 PM
Author: neatfreak
Regardless of whether it''s controlling behavior or not, it''s not HEALTHY behavior on his part. He''s allowed to go away for 3 weeks to go hunting and you can''t go to the gym at night? He seriously needs a reality check IMO. You deserve time for yourself too and it isn''t too much to ask to get an hour a day for yourself!

Big ditto.

His behavior sounds bizarre. And personally, I don''t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself and your physical and mental health before your partner every once in a while. If you don''t take care of yourself you won''t be a very good partner, anyway.

Red flag, IMO.

Thritto.

I wonder how the OP posed her new gym habit to the boyfriend. Was it: when he came home from his trip, you said "If you can go away for 3 weeks and leave me alone, I can go to the gym instead of coming home after work." Or was it: "I am so excited! While you were gone I picked back up my gym habit after work. It feels so good for me to do this again, and I''ll just be home an hour later than normal." I mean no offense, Jena, I just know that sometimes how we frame things can affect the response we recieve from our partners.

Exercising is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, it makes us happier, healthier beings, which in turn improves our relationships, and I can''t imagine a partner begrudging the person they love that, whether it means dinner is an hour later, or that the non-gym-goer has to cook alone.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 10/10/2008 9:10:29 AM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 10/9/2008 11:32:32 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 10/2/2008 3:17:15 PM
Author: neatfreak
Regardless of whether it''s controlling behavior or not, it''s not HEALTHY behavior on his part. He''s allowed to go away for 3 weeks to go hunting and you can''t go to the gym at night? He seriously needs a reality check IMO. You deserve time for yourself too and it isn''t too much to ask to get an hour a day for yourself!

Big ditto.

His behavior sounds bizarre. And personally, I don''t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself and your physical and mental health before your partner every once in a while. If you don''t take care of yourself you won''t be a very good partner, anyway.

Red flag, IMO.

Thritto.

I wonder how the OP posed her new gym habit to the boyfriend. Was it: when he came home from his trip, you said ''If you can go away for 3 weeks and leave me alone, I can go to the gym instead of coming home after work.'' Or was it: ''I am so excited! While you were gone I picked back up my gym habit after work. It feels so good for me to do this again, and I''ll just be home an hour later than normal.'' I mean no offense, Jena, I just know that sometimes how we frame things can affect the response we recieve from our partners.

HI:

I concur with Neatfreak et al. And Kim makes a very good point about communication: slamming a door b/c you are angry when you are all alone has a very different effect than angrily slamming a door in the presence of a person. I suspect yuour thread has little to do with the "gym".

cheers--Sharon