Young girls and their relationship to food

[erinl]

Hi all,

I was over at my mother in laws house having dinner. I have one sister with an 8 year old daughter and my own daughter is 5 this week. My mother in law and sister in law have issues with food and weight--they call themselves "foodies" shop at various markets, try new recipes all the time and generally, most of their conversations revolve around food. We are sitting at the table, a big spread of chicken, veggies, dumplings, pork stuffing etc, the works, and my sister in law proceeds to tell my niece that she needs to watch her carbs as her aunts (father's side) are heavy. It doesn't really matter, but my niece is tall and slender, takes part in many athletic activities, and in my opinion, has no reason to even think about portion control or watching her weight at this time--she eats home cooked healthy meals the vast majority of the time. At the same time my sil has her arms wrapped around her 6 ear old son and is asking him if he has had enough to eat and bragging about how much he has eaten.

My daughter was sitting next to her and I firmly believe these types of comments are horrible. I want to make it known that I do not condone this kind of talk, I find it as offensive as just about anything and so harmful to young girls, especially in the media-driven environment we live in. I myself never ever heard one word about dieting or what I should eat from my own mother when I was growing up in the late 70s/80s and I had a bout of borderline anorexia my senior year, just didn't eat much and liked the reactions my peers gave me about how thin I was, so this directs my concern. My daughter has the most amazing self image right now and I want to foster it. As a side note, my daughter has a healthy appetite and is curvier than they are and mil and sil make comments about that already.

How would you respond? I don't feel like I have a relationship with either women where I can speak up in general about anything, unfortunately, my method of coping has been to avoid being around them, but my mother in law often wants to watch the kids without me around and my sil will come over too, so they go unchecked. My husband is absolutely no help, I mention my issue and he sighs and rolls his eyes.

 

[SB621]

I don't, won't and will never condone any negative comments about my children's weight ever, by anyone period. Weight etc is such a sensative topic. Out of my group of friends in high school 3 had serious issues with eating disorders 1 of them was even put into the hospital for several months. She later died in college due to heart conditions that were brought on by starving herself. She went through so much and I dont' wish that upon anyone.

Right now I have 2 nieces that are 7 and 5. I like how their parents handle things. They tell them they are beautiful everyday. Snacks are healthy but with the occasional cookie or cupcake throw in. Both girls are active in sports/ hiking etc. Both parents constantly praise their daughters for how beautiful and special they are. Self confidence starts early and I truly believe the ealier you set your children up with confidence they better they will be able to handle issues when they get older.

I would address my SIL/MIL whoever and let them know they are NOT to say these things to your daughter and you won't stand for it. I know it is hard to stand up to them especially if you don't have your DH"s support, but I would do it regardless. When it comes to my children I'm a total lioness when I need to be.

 

[AGBF]

I saw the topic and wanted to throw something in now...probably because I need support...before I have to run out. I will return to the thread later for a more thoughtful response. My 20 year-old daughter was naturally thin (very thin) all her life. But when she became a teenager she struggled with anorexia. At 5' 5" it was hard to get her up to 110 pounds (her pediatrician's weight for her) and she kept slipping into the 90's. Recently (last year) she discovered some foods she had never eaten and because of psychiatric medication went up to 189 pounds. She asked her doctor to change her medications and went on a diet...but when she got to her goal weight of 120 pounds, she wouldn't stop dieting. First she said she would stop at 115 pounds, which at her age seemed OK. But now she is 113 pounds, and if she goes below 110 again, we will be in the same place we were when she was younger. It worries me. She has no need to do this. She looks fabulous at 115 pounds and 120 pounds.

Deb

 

[marymm]

OP - unfortunately I do not believe you can dictate the flow of conversation anywhere, and it would be particularly challenging to try to do so under an in-law's roof. The issues you describe are prevalent throughout society and the weight/food/societal pressures are already being absorbed by your daughter and your niece (and your nephew as well).

My best advice is that you make a statement at least once during every visit with these in-laws, when the topics come up and are being discussed in front of/with your child and other children - say something like: "Oh, I am so glad you brought this up. I (or we) firmly believe that all children should have healthy appetites and eat a nutritious, balanced healthy diet of a wide variety of foods." You will never change the personalities of your MIL and SIL nor their chosen interests (or their nosiness/officiousness), but by making a statement like that during every visit, in the hearing of your children and the other children, you will send a positive message about food and health.

And of course how you are in your own home with your family when it comes to food, meals and exercise, and how you approach food-shopping and meal-preparation, what you fill your pantry and your refrigerator with, how you talk about your own body and weight - all of these things will have much more of a life-long impact on your child than words spoken by others.

 

[SB621]

OP - unfortunately I do not believe you can dictate the flow of conversation anywhere, and it would be particularly challenging to try to do so under an in-law's roof. The issues you describe are prevalent throughout society and the weight/food/societal pressures are already being absorbed by your daughter and your niece (and your nephew as well).

I'm not sure I agree with this Marymm. As a parent of a child you bet your boot straps I will tell, not request, what can be said and spoken about in front of my child with family. If my il-laws don't like it then they won't be spending time with my children. To say that you can't do much because it is accepted in society does not sit with me at all. My in-laws should respect my decision with what I find to be appropriate. This might be stretching it, but I feel the same way about PG-13 movies. I wouldn't let my kids watch PG13 now so when they are with my inlaws they need to understand we dont do it at home so it won't be done with them.

There is such a big difference with it being in a child's face when they are out of the home- so to me- when they are in the home I should be reinforcing th positives. If my MIL or SIL ever brought up my child's weight with me there they would know my feelings about it and then we would be out the door.

 

[erinl]

Thank you Marymm-- That is kind of what I have sensed. There is no way I am going to make them change their ways-- they think they are doing their daughter/granddaughter a favor and are indoctrinating her in the club. Myself, I read this interaction as overwhelmingly sad, and sure to create the reverse of what they hope to instill in my niece-- I envision her binging on bad foods on the sly--every aspect of her life is heavily monitored and dictated and food control is just one component among many.

They don't actually monitor my daughter's food intake, but make backhanded comments like "of course M**** (my daughter) ate all of hers and wants seconds." At this point my daughter is proud of how healthy her appetite is, but she will soon catch on that their comments are intended to be critical.

It is just so complicated because my mil uses food as a sign of love, has these family dinners as a means of getting everyone together-- I feel she controls us by making these meals we have to attend--there is a whole guilt trip that goes into these meals. And then to have platters of food presented and tell my niece to watch what she eats is just twisted in my opinion. These meals are very balanced and healthy-- I don't feel that an 8 year old needs to have her mash potato intake monitored or the fat free spray butter used on veggies be dictated. They yell at her if she uses too much salad dressing and she is only allowed 2 squirts of spray butter.

I just have a much more casual relationship with food. I don't obsess about it, I don't use food/candy as a reward to myself or my kids, and I have a much more laissez faire attitude about monitoring my kids in general. We mostly eat homecooked healthy meals with at least one green vegetable and dessert is not a mandatory part of every meal. We try all kinds of cuisines regularly and my husband and I alternate cooking dinner, we both have things we excel in making. My kids also take part in as much physical activity as I can manage in a city setting.

I have let my daughter skip main entrees that she has not wanted to eat, she has had meals of solely green beans and broccoli. I have also let my daughter at one time eat as many white castles as she wanted ( I know-- gross)-- she actually ate too many and got a stomach ache, and it seemed to work-- she has never done that again and I remind her of that instead of making arbitrary limits on how much she eats. I feel like it is her body and my job is to make sure she has mostly healthy options, but it is not mine to dictate how many bitefuls she eats. On the other hand, I also don't praise her for cleaning her plate or being a "good" eater.

 

[erinl]

SB621--

I agree with you-- I absolutely don't want this stuff said in front of my daughter. However, if I made a big deal about this it will turn into a scene and create ongoing problems. I wouldn't say we have a relationship built on open communication by any stretch.

I do know that my mil caught my expression as this played out with my niece- I have an easily readable face I guess and she brought it up again when my sil and he family had left and my daughter was not in the room. I said that I didn't think a healthy, physically active 8 year old had to watch her food intake and that I have known many people who started dieting young and had ultimately created bigger problems for themselves down the road.

 

[qtiekiki]

I would just continue to foster a healthy relationship/view with foods at home. As she gets older, you can have more meaningful conversations about nutrients. I would tackle the situation with MIL and SIL as it comes. Like if they make a backhanded comment, just say something like "yes, she is growing and has a healthy appetite.".

 

[AGBF]

Ok...I have read this thread with great interest. From the very beginning I followed the pediatrician's orders on healthy eating with my daughter. In those days one was not supposed to introduce any solid food until six months, so I waited until six months and one day. One was supposed to start with rice cereal, so I started with rice cereal. Then one was supposed to progress to green vegetables and do three of them-at set intervals-before going on to orange vegetable because the orange vegetables were sweeter and one was not supposed to make the child crave sweets. And so forth. Once we were on our own and feeding our daughter, I suspect she just liked healthy foods because she always ate vegetables and fruit, plain pasta. My husband and I discussed it and after I expressed my opinion that barring candy would only make it, "forbidden fruit" he agreed that she could have some if she wanted it. She never did, however. She also never liked cake or ice cream. And she was given cake on her birthdays and, of course, offered it whenever anyone else had a birthday. (In fact, her first birthday cake was a pink tiered confection!) She did come to like sorbet. She still likes sorbet and Italian ice, but dislikes ice cream and cake an pie to this day. She never ate her Hallowe'en candy although she went trick or treating and she didn't eat candy put in her Easter basket, so I started a tradition of making a special collection of stuffed animals appear each Easter instead. She loves salad dressing, but that's the only thing in the "fattening" category that she would use liberally if she were not conscious of her weight (which-very unfortunately-she is). I think, now, she has also discovered bread-good bread-and pizza. She didn't know those things as a child.

I think my daughter wants to be in control of something now. I think she wants to show that she doesn't need anything, not even food. For her giving up food isn't-consciously-that hard. Unconsciously I think it takes its toll and make her brittle and angry. Humans need to eat. As a baby she gobbled up her bottle; I will never forget that. Anorexia is a very bad disease. It is insidious. Its full effects are really not seen. It does more damage to young women than just to make them too thin. It robs them of the health that healthy eating should be giving their psyches as well.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Deb/AGBF

 

[iheartscience]

I would absolutely speak up at the time of the comments, and say something dismissive of their comments. It doesn't have to be confrontational, but you can make it clear that you don't agree with that type of comment. Like "Carbs are part of a healthy diet, just like veggies and meat!" It's important to get that message out to your child and your niece. And standing up for yourself and your child also sends an important message.

 

[JaneSmith]

Thank you Marymm-- That is kind of what I have sensed. There is no way I am going to make them change their ways-- they think they are doing their daughter/granddaughter a favor and are indoctrinating her in the club. Myself, I read this interaction as overwhelmingly sad, and sure to create the reverse of what they hope to instill in my niece-- I envision her binging on bad foods on the sly--every aspect of her life is heavily monitored and dictated and food control is just one component among many.

They don't actually monitor my daughter's food intake, but make backhanded comments like "of course M**** (my daughter) ate all of hers and wants seconds." At this point my daughter is proud of how healthy her appetite is, but she will soon catch on that their comments are intended to be critical.

It is just so complicated because my mil uses food as a sign of love, has these family dinners as a means of getting everyone together-- I feel she controls us by making these meals we have to attend--there is a whole guilt trip that goes into these meals. And then to have platters of food presented and tell my niece to watch what she eats is just twisted in my opinion. These meals are very balanced and healthy-- I don't feel that an 8 year old needs to have her mash potato intake monitored or the fat free spray butter used on veggies be dictated. They yell at her if she uses too much salad dressing and she is only allowed 2 squirts of spray butter.

I just have a much more casual relationship with food. I don't obsess about it, I don't use food/candy as a reward to myself or my kids, and I have a much more laissez faire attitude about monitoring my kids in general. We mostly eat homecooked healthy meals with at least one green vegetable and dessert is not a mandatory part of every meal. We try all kinds of cuisines regularly and my husband and I alternate cooking dinner, we both have things we excel in making. My kids also take part in as much physical activity as I can manage in a city setting.

I have let my daughter skip main entrees that she has not wanted to eat, she has had meals of solely green beans and broccoli. I have also let my daughter at one time eat as many white castles as she wanted ( I know-- gross)-- she actually ate too many and got a stomach ache, and it seemed to work-- she has never done that again and I remind her of that instead of making arbitrary limits on how much she eats. I feel like it is her body and my job is to make sure she has mostly healthy options, but it is not mine to dictate how many bitefuls she eats. On the other hand, I also don't praise her for cleaning her plate or being a "good" eater.

That is toxic, manipulative bullshit. They are going to give that poor 8 year old an eating disorder or at the very least a great deal of anxiety and misinformation about food.
Family BS is difficult to negotiate, subtlety is often lost on many, and direct non-confrontational openness can be viewed as outright hostility. I don't envy your situation, but if it was me, I'd be giving them a piece of my mind along with printouts about healthy eating and positive things to say to kids about food and food choices.

I tell my four year old daughter that protein builds her muscles, carbs give her energy, and fruits and veges give her vitamins and fibre (to keep her poo soft, quite an important thing for her). I'll obviously expand on that in due course. She knows we need to eat these things to stay healthy, and that sweet things and chips are fine in small amounts but won't help us stay healthy like the other foods. I don't imply these foods will make her sick, I just say they have no vitamins to be healthy, no protein for strong muscles, etc. She gets it.
She is never required to finish her food, if she says her tummy is full, she stops eating.

Just today, my daughter's grandmother remarked how she had been eating a lot of rich foods lately and should go on a diet. I interjected immediately and said please do not discuss dieting or weight issues in front of my daughter. I'm extremely lucky that I have a relationship that allows me to do this without WW3 breaking out. The reaction from grandmother was 'oops, sorry' because she understands how easily this food-policing bollocks gets passed on to younger generations. I'm also one to speak my mind, especially about my daughter's well being.

You sound like you have a healthy approach to food, and are fearful of rocking the boat with the in-laws. Rough spot to be in, but your daughter must come first. Good luck.

Hugs to others who have had eating disorders touch their lives.

 

[mrscushion]

I would absolutely speak up at the time of the comments, and say something dismissive of their comments. It doesn't have to be confrontational, but you can make it clear that you don't agree with that type of comment. Like "Carbs are part of a healthy diet, just like veggies and meat!" It's important to get that message out to your child and your niece. And standing up for yourself and your child also sends an important message.

I agree with that. I think they need to understand that there are different opinions in the room. It sounds like they aren't aware of that. I definitely think monitoring the squirts of fat-free butter spray with an 8-year-old sets this girl up for an unhealthy relationship with food for life.... you don't want that to happen to your daughter, too.

 

[partgypsy]

Man I would put the hammer down if that crap happened. I am fortunate that, other than my Mom as she got older, everyone in my immediate family is naturally more on the slim side. The downside of that, is that my youngest brother in particular has gotten used to eating lots of fast food and snacks and now even has a little tummy, which I hadn't noticed until we went on a vacation together.

My job as a mom is to provide healthy food and meal times to my children, and hopefully as time have them learn to assist in the meal preparation process. Their job is to eat the food. If there is a weight issue I will hear about it from the child's pediatrician, not some "well meaning" person.

 

[Gypsy]

I was very thin right up until my late twenties. I grew up with exactly the environment you are talking about. I was a size 0 and my mother was still warning me about watching my weight because one of my grandparents was heavy, so I needed to be careful not to gain anything. I hated that. And it was very unhealthy.

In my late twenties, I was on the east coast, far away from my CA family, and for the first time I was truly free. It was very liberating to be OUT of that environment. So I overindulged. And now I am very heavy and my relationship with food is unhealthy.

I'd put a stop to it if you can. But you probably can't.

With parents like that criticism is meant to 'improve' you. It's their way of showing love. And they will defend it as 'wanting what is best' till their dying breathe. So you have to realize that if you criticize them for doing this, they will see it as an attack on the way they show love. It is not a conversation that is going to end well.

 

[yennyfire]

Like Deb and Gypsy, this is a very personal subject for me, except that I'm the one with the eating disorder. Growing up, my grandmother (Dad's Mom) was very critical of every bite that any female member of the family put in their mouths. When my Mom married my Dad, she was working as a fashion buyer in NYC and used to wear the runway samples after the shows were over...in other words, she was very thin. However, at the time, she had a healthy relationship with food. She's told me that she pretty much followed her body's cues and ate whatever she wanted until she was full and then she stopped eating. It wasn't til my Grandmother started saying things like "if you keep eating that way, it's going to catch up with you" that she became self conscious. Fast forward a few years and I'm the first granddaughter....my Grandmother was always riding my Mom about what we ate...she was very critical about it. She, of course, was rail thin and strictly monitored what she put in her mouth.

By the time I was 12, I had a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would alternately binge/purge and withhold food (i.e. not eat at all). I grew to be an expert at making excuses to skip family meals, skip outings with friends where we would be eating, etc. Around my senior year in high school, I was finally in a healthy-er place with food. I still strictly monitored my intake, but I was eating 3 reasonable (small) meals a day and was at a healthy weight. Then I went to college and the crap hit the fan. I was so stressed about college and my grades and failing at something. I started binging again, but when you have a roommate and share a bathroom with a dorm full of kids, you can't get rid of the food (i.e. purge), so I ballooned up 30 lbs. I came home over the summer and lost it, again by strictly withholding, but then I couldn't stop losing and I got down to 96 lbs (at 5'4...and with my bone structure, I need to be about 120-125).

Basically, my relationship with food has been toxic my whole life. My Mom still diets religiously and bemoans the 10 lbs. she can't lose. I struggle on a daily basis between either overeating or not eating at all (which, in all honesty, is easier for me than trying to eat reasonable portions--making good choices is exhausting for me...it's easier just not to chose anything).

I'm sharing this with you because it is SO easy for a kid to fall into a harmful pattern of behavior. I know that my Mom and Grandmother didn't mean for me to have an eating disorder. They wanted me to be happy. To them, being thin and pretty was what made people happy. What started out as an issue with my weight quickly became an issue about control....wanting it and not feeling like I had it in so many areas of my life.

Years later and I am now the mother of a 6 year old daughter. Despite the fact that the words "thin", "fat" and "diet" have NEVER been used in our home, my tiny daughter (I'm talking she barely hits 40 lbs. at 48 inches tall) has told me that she's fat. I asked her why she thinks this and where she heard that word....school, of course! We have had many conversations since both kids were little (maybe 2?) about food being fuel for the body and that there are foods that give them strong muscles and food that gives them strong bones, etc. Because my Mom NEVER let me have dessert, we don't ban it at our house (despite the fact that having it here is really hard for me)....as long as they eat a reasonable dinner, they can have dessert. We basically say that everything in moderation is healthy. There is no "bad" food. There are foods that simply taste good, but don't do anything good for our bodies. I force myself to eat a healthy dinner every night to set a good example (basically, any meal that they are home for, I make sure to eat with them and set a good example. I do not overeat, skip meals, etc. in front of them). I am very proud of the fact that they have a healthy relationship with food, as it's been a huge challenge for me....

Erinl, I share all of this with you because I want you to understand the lifelong impact the kinds of statements your MIL/SIL are making could have on your daughter. Now, maybe she'll be fine, but there's no way to know how she'll internalize what she's hearing and that's why it's critical that you put an end to those kinds of comments around your child. Share my post if you think it will help. I grew up in a loving, privileged home. I just happened to be the kind of kid who expected perfection of herself and internalized any negative comment ever made. I began to believe that to be worthy of love, I had to be perfect. Perfect (I thought), meant thin, a straight A student, leader of every club, etc.

I hate that my relationship with food is so warped. I struggle on a daily basis to be healthy and to make healthy choices about food. Having an eating disorder is even harder (IMHO) than being an alcoholic or drug addict. You can give up alcohol/drugs and never touch them again, but you can't give up food. You have to make decisions many times a day about what to eat, when to eat it, etc. It can be exhausting. Perhaps asking your MIL/SIL to find an online eating disorder support group and spend some time simply reading/lurking. It may be an eye opening experience for them. Most people with eating disorders are extremely intelligent, from loving, middle class/affluent families...this isn't one of "those" things that couldn't happen to you....it can.

Sending you hugs and strength to tell your MIL and SIL how you feel. Clearly, their own relationships with food isn't healthy, but maybe you can help your niece and certainly your daughter, avoid the same trap.

I'm hitting "send" with shaking fingers, as I've never spoken so openly about my struggles in a public venue....so please, be kind with any comments...this is one area where I am very fragile....

 

[Gypsy]

Yenny honey ((HUGS)), lots and lots of huge hugs.

 

[yennyfire]

Yenny honey ((HUGS)), lots and lots of huge hugs.

Thanks Gypsy. I have a feeling we have a lot in common...

 

[Gypsy]

Yenny honey ((HUGS)), lots and lots of huge hugs.

Thanks Gypsy. I have a feeling we have a lot in common...

I got that feeling in Vegas too.

Hopefully we'll get more chances to connect.

 

[yennyfire]

Yenny honey ((HUGS)), lots and lots of huge hugs.

Thanks Gypsy. I have a feeling we have a lot in common...

I got that feeling in Vegas too.

Hopefully we'll get more chances to connect.

I would truly love that!

 

[Gypsy]

Me too.

 

[ClassyRocks]

Yenny and Gypsy, you are brave, caring, and authentic ladies! Thank you both for sharing very private parts of your lives to keep someone else from experiencing the pain you both have endured. You have my utmost respect!

 

[erinl]

I thank you all so much for your candid and open comments. I am not great at collating PS comments and creating remarks directed at each individual who has posted, but I will do my best.

Yenny and Gypsy: I want to send you huge hugs. Your bravery and honesty make me feel as though I know you beyond the written word.
I am sure that your family meant well and wanted what they perceived as best for you, which included/focused upon you being thin and attractive. I appreciate your comments so much because it supports my feelings and lets me know that I am not crazy for feeling this is so wrong on so many levels. I hope you two get together soon-- would make me happy if this thread brought you closer!

I think it is so hard to grow up with a healthy self image and good relationship with food, even without familial intervention. I didn't focus on this, but i am and have been concerned about my niece as well. She is encouraged to excel in every avenue of life--making friends, networking, doing well in school, winning at sports, and keeping thin. I imagine she will do well on the surface, but at what expense to her self worth/psyche? I am in no position to impact what is being done to her, I only see her every month or so at this point in time,

Hugs to you AGBF and the situation with your daughter. I am not knowledgeable enough to give advice or make comments, but as a mother I can empathize with how difficult this must be for you. I also appreciate you commenting in the context of this thread.

SB621, thing20f2, Jane Smith, mscushion, part gypsy: I totally agree that I should stand up and say something. I am a good at constructing arguments, but I am so slooooow. I often feel so broadsided by it all and by the time I have thought of what to say, the moment has passed. I also feel outnumbered--mil and sil are very tight, see each other nearly day and when I am around talk to each like I am not there. This is my issue, but I know I would be critiqued and dismissed because they perceive me as overweight-- I am quite a bit shorter than they are, probably 15-20 lbs away from a size 8, so anything I would say would be dismissed as defensive because I am "fat."

 

[SB621]

Big hugs to Yenny and Gypsy. Thank you for sharing your stories- I can't imagine how difficult it is to share it so openly on the internet. It was very brave!

 

[yennyfire]

Big hugs to Yenny and Gypsy. Thank you for sharing your stories- I can't imagine how difficult it is to share it so openly on the internet. It was very brave!

Thanks SB. I won't lie...I've been having a slight panic attack since my post and have thought about asking Ella to remove it, but if it helps Erinl (or anyone else), it's worth it.

 

[AGBF]

I'm hitting "send" with shaking fingers, as I've never spoken so openly about my struggles in a public venue....so please, be kind with any comments...this is one area where I am very fragile....

Thank you for sharing this, sweetheart. And I thank you, too, Gypsy. I do not know if what I am doing is, "kosher", but I hope it is good.

In 12-step programs no one is supposed to share that he belongs to a specific 12-step group. (I know some people who read Pricescope are not from the United States. By a 12-step group I mean a group that uses 12 steps towards recovery like Alcoholics Anonymous: AA.) By definition the group contains the word, "anonymous" in the title. That way no one person can claim to represent the group; can misrepresent it; or can fail at its goal(s) and make others think that the program doesn't work.

Here on Pricescope, we are all actually anonymous, however. At least the non-professionals are. I don't know if I should share it, but I have attended OA, Overeaters Anonymous, for years. Although mainly women attend meetings, some men do, too. The people who attend are not only recovering compulsive overeaters, but compulsive bulimics and compulsive anorectics. Many women have suffered from a combination of problems in their lives, as you might suspect.

My favorite stories are always those that involve newcomers coming into a quiet church room and seeing a group of normal sized women sitting quietly around a table reading from books. The newcomer will think she is in the wrong place. We assure her that she has found Overeaters Anonymous. She has expected to find only 300 pound people. They are all welcome. As are 600 pound people and 80 pound people. And as one woman I am fond of says, "My weight is not my business". Our goal is to be abstinent-from whatever we feel we need to abstain from-one day at a time.

I wish all of you peace with your eating choices. My sponsor has suggested to me that before I eat I thank God for my food and say, "please, let it be enough".

Hugs to all,
Deb

 

[ClassyRocks]

I'm hitting "send" with shaking fingers, as I've never spoken so openly about my struggles in a public venue....so please, be kind with any comments...this is one area where I am very fragile....

Thank you for sharing this, sweetheart. And I thank you, too, Gypsy. I do not know if what I am doing is, "kosher", but I hope it is good.

In 12-step programs no one is supposed to share that he belongs to a specific 12-step group. (I know some people who read Pricescope are not from the United States. By a 12-step group I mean a group that uses 12 steps towards recovery like Alcoholics Anonymous: AA.) By definition the group contains the word, "anonymous" in the title. That way no one person can claim to represent the group; can misrepresent it; or can fail at its goal(s) and make others think that the program doesn't work.

Here on Pricescope, we are all actually anonymous, however. At least the non-professionals are. I don't know if I should share it, but I have attended OA, Overeaters Anonymous, for years. Although mainly women attend meetings, some men do, too. The people who attend are not only recovering compulsive overeaters, but compulsive bulimics and compulsive anorectics. Many women have suffered from a combination of problems in their lives, as you might suspect.

My favorite stories are always those that involve newcomers coming into a quiet church room and seeing a group of normal sized women sitting quietly around a table reading from books. The newcomer will think she is in the wrong place. We assure her that she has found Overeaters Anonymous. She has expected to find only 300 pound people. They are all welcome. As are 600 pound people and 80 pound people. And as one woman I am fond of says, "My weight is not my business". Our goal is to be abstinent-from whatever we feel we need to abstain from-one day at a time.

I wish all of you peace with your eating choices. My sponsor has suggested to me that before I eat I thank God for my food and say, "please, let it be enough".

Hugs to all,
Deb

Deb, I am in awe of you and the other ladies who are bravely sharing. You are just wonderful!

 

[yennyfire]

I'm hitting "send" with shaking fingers, as I've never spoken so openly about my struggles in a public venue....so please, be kind with any comments...this is one area where I am very fragile....

Thank you for sharing this, sweetheart. And I thank you, too, Gypsy. I do not know if what I am doing is, "kosher", but I hope it is good.

In 12-step programs no one is supposed to share that he belongs to a specific 12-step group. (I know some people who read Pricescope are not from the United States. By a 12-step group I mean a group that uses 12 steps towards recovery like Alcoholics Anonymous: AA.) By definition the group contains the word, "anonymous" in the title. That way no one person can claim to represent the group; can misrepresent it; or can fail at its goal(s) and make others think that the program doesn't work.

Here on Pricescope, we are all actually anonymous, however. At least the non-professionals are. I don't know if I should share it, but I have attended OA, Overeaters Anonymous, for years. Although mainly women attend meetings, some men do, too. The people who attend are not only recovering compulsive overeaters, but compulsive bulimics and compulsive anorectics. Many women have suffered from a combination of problems in their lives, as you might suspect.

My favorite stories are always those that involve newcomers coming into a quiet church room and seeing a group of normal sized women sitting quietly around a table reading from books. The newcomer will think she is in the wrong place. We assure her that she has found Overeaters Anonymous. She has expected to find only 300 pound people. They are all welcome. As are 600 pound people and 80 pound people. And as one woman I am fond of says, "My weight is not my business". Our goal is to be abstinent-from whatever we feel we need to abstain from-one day at a time.

I wish all of you peace with your eating choices. My sponsor has suggested to me that before I eat I thank God for my food and say, "please, let it be enough".

Hugs to all,
Deb

Aww, thanks Deb. I have thought about joining some kind of group, but I'm terrified ( of what, I'm not sure ). I remind myself many times a day that in order to raise healthy children, I must be healthy, so I make good choices many times a day. I wish I could get to the point where it wasn't all consuming, but I'm not sure that's a realistic goal for me. I wish you and your daughter peace, happiness and health.

 

[yssie]

Deb, Yenny, Gypsy... hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

It is so generous and brave of you to share your stories with us on here. I'm confident that there are many reading this who have fought or are fighting similar battles, and who take heart and wisdom from your experiences... Thank you, for trusting us.

My own relationship with my dinnerplate has never been healthy. I was overweight as a child, and I spent pretty much the entirety of highschool and college on some fad diet or mad exercise scheme. At some point I discovered that while I couldn't ration my intake once there was food in front of me, I could avoid meals altogether relatively easily, and I've always been pretty active. After a while it became normal to forget to eat, and the only way I knew I was hungry was if I developed a headache that Tylenol couldn't fix (I'd stopped actually feeling hunger altogether...) It's taken years to get to the point where I eat four healthy, balanced meals a day. I could still probably tell you the caloric content of every last morsel but I'm finally at the point where that number isn't some perverse reflection of my willpower or self-control... and I'm d*mn proud of myself for getting here!

And I didn't grow up bombarded with Victoria's Secret billboards... it must be terrifying to parent a little girl!

 

[yennyfire]

Deb, Yenny, Gypsy... hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

It is so generous and brave of you to share your stories with us on here. I'm confident that there are many reading this who have fought or are fighting similar battles, and who take heart and wisdom from your experiences... Thank you, for trusting us.

My own relationship with my dinnerplate has never been healthy. I was overweight as a child, and I spent pretty much the entirety of highschool and college on some fad diet or mad exercise scheme. At some point I discovered that while I couldn't ration my intake once there was food in front of me, I could avoid meals altogether relatively easily, and I've always been pretty active. After a while it became normal to forget to eat, and the only way I knew I was hungry was if I developed a headache that Tylenol couldn't fix (I'd stopped actually feeling hunger altogether...) It's taken years to get to the point where I eat four healthy, balanced meals a day. I could still probably tell you the caloric content of every last morsel but I'm finally at the point where that number isn't some perverse reflection of my willpower or self-control... and I'm d*mn proud of myself for getting here!

And I didn't grow up bombarded with Victoria's Secret billboards... it must be terrifying to parent a little girl!

Thanks for sharing Yssie and good for you for achieving a healthy balance! That's quite an accomplishment. Sadly, I have a feeling our stories are not all that unusual...

 

[AGBF]

It's taken years to get to the point where I eat four healthy, balanced meals a day. I could still probably tell you the caloric content of every last morsel but I'm finally at the point where that number isn't some perverse reflection of my willpower or self-control... and I'm d*mn proud of myself for getting here!

it must be terrifying to parent a little girl!

It's terrifying to be a little girl, Yssie. In fact, it's terrifying to be a child! I was so very glad to grow up! And you went through that! Kudos to you for not only surviving, but for coming through determined to be healthy. Not that I judge people who are not healthy. 12-step programs are full of people who could not "make it" on their own no matter how many times they tried. It is hard to walk into a church basement for the first time and wonder if you are in the right room for a meeting and not want to ask anyone!!! But the fellowship of those rooms is simply unbelievable. And the stories will make you laugh until you cry. And you will make your best friends there, too.

Deb