Would you take a dream job away from yr DH?

[Independent Gal]

Say you were offered the opportunity of a lifetime - the 'first prize' in your line of work and an opportunity you never thought you would have in your wildest dreams. Truly, a dream come true kind of situation. From there, the world (of your career) would be your oyster. In addition, taking this position would come with a super-fast green card (imagine yer a foreigner for a minute) with all legal fees paid for, which would mean you could stop worrying about having to live half way across the world from you DH if you ended up without a contract for a few months (a high-ish risk).

The drawback? For a year or two, you'd have to spend 4-5 months out of the year living an hour's flight away from your husband. In your first years of marriage.

But, the salary increase would be so substantial that you could visit each other for long weekends every week. (So, together 3 days, apart for 4).

Would you take it?

 

[neatfreak]

If all those conditions were met, and my DH was truly ok with it, hell yeah!

 

[musey]

Yes. But that has always been the reality of my line of work, so I'm used to having that possibility on the horizon.

To clarify... in said hypothetical situation, one would be living at home w/ hubby for 7-8 months straight, then 1 hour away for 4-5 months straight (not a month or two here or there)? And hubby doesn't have the freedom to travel with?

 

[ChinaCat]

Yes.

1 hour flight is totally doable. DH and I did that for about 1 1/2 years before we got married, and while it gets frustrating, it is not too bad. The biggest problem for us was how tiring all of the traveling was. But the weeks themselves go by fast and honestly, if it is that huge of a career move, I think it is worth it. It''s only a year or two. Of course, it totally depends on your relationship. DH and I are pretty independent and while I would hate not being with him permanently, it definitely wouldn''t really affect our marriage. Meaning he''s not needy or lonely and would understand. And alone time is sometimes good- you can miss each other!

Now I will say I wouldn''t do this for just any job. First priority is my marriage, and while I love my job, I would give it up in a heartbeat to move with DH. BUT you described a highly unusual dream job, which changes things IMO. Generally I don''t think it''s a great idea to not live together in the first few years. Mostly cause of what it says about your priorities. But for that one unbelievable, out-of-reach opportunity you''ve always wanted? Well, then it would be hard to pass that up. And as long as there is an end in sight- 2 years ok, more than that, I don''t know.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This happened to me (minus the greencard, which is an important part).

I have always been extremely career-focused, so I''m not exactly the kind of girl to put my career on the backburner. A year ago I moved from Boston to KC to spend time with family while working remotely for my Boston-based company. I got engaged in Feb. then in May, one month before moving back to Boston, I got the "job offer of a lifetime" from one of our KC-based clients. It was at the director''s level, which to be honest scared me, but they had complete confidence in me. The salary was...ugh, I can''t even think about it. I already knew and liked the group I''d be working with, you get the idea, but...

It would mean the first year of marriage, at least, would be long distance. D was fine with it--he wanted to support any decision I made and assured me that we would see each other several times a month. We''d done long distance in the past, so it wasn''t new to us.

But in the end, I just couldn''t do it. The bottom line was that I didn''t want a long-distance marriage and I have confidence that another great offer will pop up again. Besides, the position is still open...haha.

I think you just have to go with your gut. I took two solid weeks to think about it and didn''t rush a decision. It was hard and i don''t regret it, but it was NOT EASY!

 

[Pandora II]

I had to ask myself the same question at the beginning of last year, when I was seriously thinking of running for the European Parliament.

The difference being that although we would be in the same place at weekends I would still have a massive load of commitments, casework etc

It took a lot of soul-searching and changing my mind from one week to the next. It would have meant increasing my salary by 3-4 times, an amazing position and the chance to live 30 minutes from Antwerp

. FI was very supportive of whatever decision I made.

In the end, I realised that I didn't want to be away from FI at all, and it would make a big difference to our chances of having a family. It would require an enormous effort from a lot of people to get myself elected and it's not the kind of thing you can turn round after 6 months and say 'actually I don't like it'. So I decided to pull out - hard decision, but the right one for me.


You have an added reason to take it due to the Green Card situation, plus it would only be 2 years or so (I was looking at at least 5). My advice is to weigh up your priorities and future plans and then listen to what your gut is telling you and follow that. Sorry, tough decision.

 

[sera]

If after discussing it, he was in agreement, yes.

We have a few seminary students from other parts of the world at our church- Africa, Indonesia, Tibet, etc.; they leave their country and their family- some newlyweds, some from villages without phones, sometimes the spouses are later able to come here, and some of them are living away from each other for a couple years!!! If it's the right thing to do and both agree it's the right thing to do, the sacrifice can be made. If it's not the right decision- despite it being a dream job- then it's not and something else will come up.

ETA: I just remembered I was offered a dream job out of state that I turned down. It was disappointing, but it was the right decision. It would have been fun, but I don't regret it.

 

[ChinaCat]

I also want to say that I would probably only do this for an extreme perfect job. From what it sounds like from your posts, you have been studying and working towards your goals for a very long time. It also sounds like it is a rare opportunity.

This is not to place value or judgment on different jobs, but FOR ME, it would have to literally be my dream job, not just a great opportunity in the field I am in now. Therefore, if I was offered the highest level and ten times more money in the job I have now, I never would be away from DH. I just don''t care enough about money and position in what I do now.

But I have a dream job in mind. And if I got the chance to do that, I would.

I think an easy analogy is: actress winning her dream role vs. making partner at a law firm. I would take the dream acting role; I would not take being partner at a law firm.

So to each his own, but my point of this post (which is taking forever!) is I guess it depends on how much you love what you do!

And btw, CONGRATS on being offered said dream position!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, so far I have the interview but not the job. (And China Cat, it is literally my dream job!!!! I wish I could tell you guys what it is.
Think of it as - actress gets offered starring role in a film, professor gets offered job at Harvard, astronomer gets offered flight to the moon! ). But that in itself is a kind of miracle. Several hundred people put in for this. People from all over the world. I'm one of the 4 with an interview. They won't hire ANYONE if none of us end up meeting their exacting standards. So it's not quite a 25% chance!

But at the moment I'm doing what my actor-friend does. Instead of saying 'Oh man, I really wish I had managed to get that part at the call back audition!' he says 'WOW! I'm so excited that I got a call back for that part! I kick ass!'

So I'm all concentrating on 'WOW! I got an INTERVIEW for X!' and trying not to worry about actually nailing it (well, except that every waking moment is now prep time).

FI and I sort of tacitly decided that we weren't going to talk about it until AFTER I got an offer, since it will just be wasted worry otherwise. And I'm pretty sure that I can get them to hold the offer until August of 2009, which is when I run out of contracts-near-FI. So at least we'd definitely have the first 18 months of marriage together.

Well, we'll see. I can't decide if I really want it or not. If I don't get the offer, no decision to make. I really don't want us to live apart. But I think I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't take it if it was offered. So, if I don't get it, no worries. Is that crazy?


Another slim possibility: if I get the offer, they might help FI find work nearby too.

ETA: AAAAARGH! So... nervous. And worried. Must. Relax.

 

[Steel]

Deleted


Good luck at the interview, you have a great attitude.

To answer your question: No, I wouldn't.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Wow, when I first read this, my immediate thought was "absolutely." My career, (which I haven''t really started yet as I''m still finishing my PhD) is really important to me and DH knew that going in. I think if it was a situation like that, its possible my DH would want to come with me - his career is important to him as well, but I don''t think he''s quite as ambitious as I am (and we''ve talked about that and are both comfortable with it).

From the way you worded your post, it sounds like you really want to take this opportunity, and I think you should do so. A marriage is for life, and in order to be happy together for life you have to do the things that are right for each of you as well as for both of you as a couple. Its a short-term situation with a huge upside, and I think with lots of good communication and accommodation you could both make it work, and make it work for your marriage as well.

 

[winternight]

Absolutely I''d take it and I already know my fiance would be supportive because we did 6 months apart at the begining of our relationship. On the other hand I''ve seen women hurt their careers in relationships that sometimes, sad to say, end. I don''t think that''s fair either. I''m sort of watching a train wreck of a relationship first-hand right now where she''s giving up so much and he''s just not being supportive or flexible. I don''t know, granted I''m not married yet but we''ve been together 4 years and if we had to live apart for awhile we could handle it since we''re both really independant. If you want to get somewhere sometimes it takes those kinds of sacrifices. Best of luck!!!

 

[Pandora II]

How feasible is it for your FH to move with you?

I enjoy what I do here and I couldn't do it elsewhere, but if FI was offered an amazing job, I'd pack my bags tomorrow and find something else to do. Could your FI take a sabbatical or move his job?

I am dying to know what it is that you do - it sounds pretty amazing. I really don't know whether to hope that you get it or not!

If you could put it off till 2009, I would probably be more likely to say yes.

Your ages will probably make a difference, or rather your thoughts about a family.

I'm 35 now, and so don't have so many years to play with. Oh to be how I am now and yet be 25 again and have at least 10 more years before I have to be responsible!

 

[basil]

Well, we are kind of doing something similar. Except that we don''t see each other nearly that much (usually once a month if we''re lucky). We''re about a 1.5 hour flight away, but we don''t get weekends off some of the time and we don''t make enough money to travel every weekend anyway.

After this time is over (we''re 1 year, 4 months through a 3 year stint apart), I definitely wouldn''t do it again. No matter what the job offer. I don''t regret my decision to do this, but it''s just clear that this is not the lifestyle that we both want.

How long would you anticipate being at this job? I don''t think I could have done this if not for the fact that it was always a known, finite amount of time.

 

[shigidigi]

This is a tough one, but it sounds like in your heart you already know what the answer is. I think you are doing the right thing by not discussing it (at least out loud) until you do/dont get the offer.

But on the other hand- how exciting for you!! You''ll have to keep us posted because I cant imagine that any of us wouldnt love to hear about a fellow PSer landing her dream job!! I wish I could land my dream job!!

How long until you find out about who gets offered the position?

 

[Independent Gal]

Shig The interview is Monday, November 12th. I'll definitely be asking for PS magic dust. My understanding is that I am the first candidate to come in, so it will probably be at least 2 or 3 weeks after that before I heard anything. I hope I won't already be in PERU!! ARGH the anxiety.

Pandora Yes, we're in our early 30's and want kids ASAP, so that's of course also a concern. I guess if I was already pregnant or had an infant at that point, then I'd be a single parent for part of the time... and all that traveling with the baby. Well, I guess FI could travel to me more often. And then if we hadn't got knocked up yet, well that could be a serious pressure. It is hard for FI to just pick up and move. Although his work is very portable (i.e., he could work remotely).

Basil I think I'll be feeling like you. I really hate doing long distance, and I do feel like I want to be settled in somewhere. It's just that it takes quite a bit of maneouvring in my line of work. And this, actually, might be our best shot of finding permanent work in the same place (as in, I'd land soft from this... could potentially go anywhere).

Well, we'll see what happens. I'm just practicing and practicing and practicing my presentation. Trying to make it sharper and more exciting. Reading up as much as I can....

 

[MoonWater]

I''m all excited and nervous for you and I don''t even know what it''s for! Good luck!!

Oh and to answer your question, yes, I would do it!!

 

[shigidigi]

Yes, good luck! I''m gonna start dusting now so you are good and covered by the 12th!

 

[robbie3982]

Crossing my fingers for you!!!

 

[partgypsy]

All I can say is that these things don''t come along that often in a lifetime. If it truly meant a year or 2, I would say yes. I knew couples who were separated for 4,5 years for graduate school, and not for a dream situation. Of course, this is something that you need to discuss with your so to make sure this isn''t something that would make him deeply unhappy, but it sounds like in the long term it would be good for both of you.
Wishing you the best of luck in the broadest sense of the term.

 

[Elmorton]

YAY! The way you''re talking about the opportunity is SO exciting. Go for it!

We got married in June, and in September, DH interviewed for a job in another state. We did the same thing - we said that we wouldn''t talk about it until he had an offer...but we both knew that he should take it if the opportunity presented itself. He started yesterday! Since I''m under contract to continue teaching (and don''t want to leave my job mid-semester, that would be awful!), I''ve moved in with a girlfriend during the week while DH and our kitties live in our new place. DH and I will be apart during the week for the next month and a half. Sure, I''m not a fan of it, but it''s so doable, especially for a short-term thing. I have a 3.5 hr drive to make on Friday afternoons (and Sunday evenings) - and honestly, I think that''s a big factor in making it feel draining. In your situation, having the opportunity to fly out and have long weekends - that''s WAY COOL, and definitely balances out the time frame.

BEST OF LUCK on your interview - I think your enthusiasm will speak for itself!!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

YES!!

I''m glad that you''re interviewing for this chance-of-a-lifetime gig. many wouldn''t even interview because of the "cons" involved, which to me is a huge no-no. i''m of the school of thought that you should almost ALWAYS apply for an extraordinary opportunity even though all the elements don''t exactly fit YOUR world.

like you said, you''ve got nothing to lose by interviewing, and SOOOO much to gain.

Good luck, gal!

 

[diamondfan]

Yes, assuming all of those variables were met. It sounds like it is all too good to be true. And worth the sacrifices for the long term.

We lived in L.A. and hubby had a huge case on the East coast, and had to be there most weeks. He would fly home Fri night and leave on the Red eye on Sun night, for the first year of our marriage. I was in grad school and got to concentrate on that and see friends, and weekends were ours. It was not ideal but that is what had to be. So we did the best we could. Sounds like there are too many great things to come out of it for you not to grab the chance.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Yes. Without a doubt.

 

[iheartscience]

I would take the job, without a doubt! Good luck on your interview!

 

[lyra]

I don''t really have to think about this one, it''s already what I *live*, only it''s 12 months a year with the 3 days together, 4 days apart. Nature of his job. We have 2 almost grown kids, and sometimes it was incredibly stressful, but it''s just a schedule you get used to. Plus, you''re talking about so many benefits and it possibly being only short term. I started out my marriage with this schedule, and it hasn''t changed much in 24 years. So I say go for it. I think all our time apart made us stronger as a couple.

 

[door knob solitaire]

You know I am a charter member of the Indie Girl fan club...learning of your success to the extent of off the charts is really exciting. Of course we would all want that for you ...and continue to cheer you on in any endeavor that allows you to fulfill your dreams and stretch your wings. Just as actors say, it is an honor just to be nominated. And it must be such a great feeling for you RIGHT NOW knowing you are one of the 4 contenders. Thrilling! Three cheers for Indie! Hip HIP Hooray!

But I have a question for you...and hope that you would take the time to form this scenario to reality before you write a reply. I mean really think about it.

All the same elements are involved...first year of marriage...Would you FULLY support (without reservation) your FI if this opportunity came to him?

DKS

 

[Deelight]

For me it would be a yes with a capital YES I know that it sucks being your first year of marriage being apart for a bit but think about how set you will be after that small period of time compared to the rest of your lives together . Also if you are able to have a long weekend every week think how amazing that time will be you can truly appreciate each other . And you can always video call each other after work or webcam .

 

[D2B]

Hi

Lots for you two to think about.

The only other perspective I can offer, or something to think about is your statement that you want children ASAP. I can only speak for myself, so...

I was very career focused and did very well in my studies and field of work - loved it, the hours, challenege etc. I fully saw myself going back to work when baby came along. however, for us, once we had our DS, my priorites changed, I still love my carreer and miss it terribley, BUT, my needs as a mother to be there for him outweighed my needs as a career woman IYKWIM. I did the part - time thing for a while, I got sick, lots of stress for no real career gain as the juicy jobs do not go to part-timers. So for now I am at home. Personally i couldnt imaging raising a baby solo with DH away from me and working full time in a challenging career, the sleep deprivation alone would kill me.

Anyway, that is my experience and my view. Hope I dont offend anyone - just something else for you to ponder if you are truly serious about having children. I guess you know the job and your field, how accomodating would they be if you had a child within that period - flexi hours, work from home, part-time, maternity leave, things to think about. What would happen if you decided that you didnt want to work once you had the child, would there be career reprecussions??? etc etc.

Ohh, and yes, i cant wait to get back to my carreer, but for me the rest of my life will be about balancing the various elements of my life, carreer , mother, wife, me etc .... Sometimes I really miss the simplicity of live pre children, but the love outweighs it all.

Good luck,

 

[crystalheart1]

Are you still doing all your prep work? Every waking minute? Your presentation must be outstanding by now.

Hopefully you are taking the important PS breaks in between