Rant...our older daughter said that ...

[Dancing Fire]

we play favoritism towards her sister.

our younger daughter is graduating from college this month.i bought her a 1ctw bangle bracelet from BGD since she been hinting to me that's what she like to have as her graduating gift.

anyhoo, about two weeks ago the older daughter asked her mom...what are you guys buying her for graduation? mom said...a bangle bracelet ,so are you ok with that? b/c it'll cost more than the pair of earrings (about $650?.. ) that we bought you four yrs ago when you graduated. daugther #1 said ...that's fine with me,so 4 days ago i showed her the bracelet she tried on but didn't say anything,then this afternoon "out of the blue" she started to weep and said that we play favoritism towards her sister she said...her sister's graduating gift is much nicer than her's and i she can tell it is a lot more expensive by the way it sparkles.

wife and i are now really piss off at daughter #1 .. b/c the truth is ...she spent a lot more of our money then her sister.

pics of the 1ctw bangle bracelet from BGD...

 

[Imdanny]

The bangle is very nice!

For reference, which daughter did you help buy a house?

 

[Dancing Fire]

The bangle is very nice!

For reference, which daughter did you help buy a house?

Daughter #1 ...how soon she forget..

 

[justginger]

IS Daughter #2 your favorite? Perhaps you've done many small things over the years that have bothered your first daughter, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Or perhaps she's being crafty and thinks that if she turns on the water works, you'll feel guilty enough to buy her something else to make up the price difference.

Personally, I'd guess option 2...

 

[Maisie]

I don't know why your wife felt it necessary to ask your other daughter if she minds that the bangle cost more than her gift. That was just setting you up for her to feel jealous.

If you do a lot for your kids you have to accept they might get a bit spoilt, and as a result may develop a sense of entitlement. I love to do nice things for my children but if I thought for one minute they were expecting to get everything they want I would probably stop. There is no joy in giving to someone who is assuming they will get it anyway. Thats just my opinion.

 

[Imdanny]

The bangle is very nice!

For reference, which daughter did you help buy a house?

Daughter #1 ...how soon she forget..

Ok, she's just being silly. You helped her get a HOUSE and she's crying over a bracelet?

 

[missy]

Well, only you and your wife know if you are playing favorites but it seems to the superficial observer that your dd is spoiled by you guys. I mean, you helped buy her a house and paid for many expenses that many young adult kids pay for themselves. Again, we are only getting what you share with us so not a complete observation by any means. But from this superficial view she seems like a spoiled brat.
Sorry if that seems rude. You asked our opinion and I am sharing. From one previously spoiled brat to another.

ETA: love that bracelet! Gorgeous!
And congrats on your daughter's graduation!

 

[susimoo]

DF

You are a darling. No doubt about it. You showered all your girls, with diamonds. [including those that, we (the ladies of PS), do not necessarily agree with ]

You know what, your girls have been spoilt.

Tell her, truthfully that you love her and you have provided for her in every way possbile including real estate AND bling.

She cannot be jealous of her little sister, but needs to know that you love both of them equally.


Now, stop buying the girlies bling and get yourself a ring to be proud of. Then show us!!!





Edited to make sense

 

[Diamond*Dana]

My oldest (12 year old boy) is constantly saying DH and I like his brother and sister better...that DH likes me better...I like DH better...etc., so I know how THAT goes!

The bracelet is gorgeous!

 

[Enerchi]

my DH has a saying about certain people we know... "they need a big shot of grow up" (not sure what dose that comes in or how to get a prescription for it!)

You seem to be a very VERY generous man towards your wife and daughters. You have worked hard to give them a pretty sweet life, which I have no idea why I think this, but I feel you did not come from the same blessings as your daughters have.

Kids (no matter what their age!) always think you love the other one(s) best. Its a sibling rivalry thing that probably never ends!

Parents help their kids to the best of their abilities, but often in different ways - you can't compare won gift with another because the gift was given based on the need at the time (as in, assisting daughter 1 with a house payment, while #2 was still in school, for example). You also had a thread about paying for a wedding and providing a graduation party. Do your kids think you are an endless bottomless pit of financial aid???

I think its time for their little shot of grow up!

 

[VRBeauty]

DF - to your daughter. I know there's a possibility she's just acting out of immature hurt feelings, but this seems to be part of a pattern of her thinking that your money is somehow her money too. You and your wife DO NOT owe her an explanation, and you certainly do not owe her any sort of accounting, but I think if I were in your shoes I'd just tell her that of course you love both girls equally, and by the way... " you did spend a lot more of our money over the years."

And with that, I'm going to step back and let those who have actually fledged children successfully chime in!

 

[Skippy123]

DF - to your daughter. I know there's a possibility she's just acting out of immature hurt feelings, but this seems to be part of a pattern of her thinking that your money is somehow her money too. You and your wife DO NOT owe her an explanation, and you certainly do not owe her any sort of accounting, but I think if I were in your shoes I'd just tell her that of course you love both girls equally, and by the way... " you did spend a lot more of our money over the years."

And with that, I'm going to step back and let those who have actually fledged children successfully chime in!

ditto! sorry DF; I wouldn't even entertain her with reasons etc.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I have 4 nieces who complain that the youngest gets more than they did. Mom & dad do more for her and she is SPOILED.
I think the youngest child is often given a bit more. because their role is still the baby of the family. They all complain the other ones get more either of attention of monetary considerations. I just listen. They all have gotten different things.

I'd be in the camp of telling number 1 daughter that of course you love her as much as daughter number two, and you have helped her many times. You don't do matchy matchy. I had to tell one niece this very recently. She came to visit me last summer. She's into vintage clother as she is a stylist. I had bought a few things for her. I had a fox jacket for her, and I told her I had a mink cape that I had just purchased. She assumed I meant for her to have both, and said she would give the cape to her sister so they would have something equal. I told her that I was going to keep the cape for myself, and then explained that when theywere children I tried to give to each equally, but now that they were grown, I did not do that anymore. I give what I want to whoever i want. I do not think I must give to any other niece because i gave to one of them. Thats what i think. She said OK-- that cool.

 

[minousbijoux]

Oh DF, I'd be a rich woman if I had a $ for every time I've heard a variation on that from one of my kids! My response is that its hard for them to see it, but I have always given them what they need and that's my call to make. Please don't get into a dialogue with older daughter where she is pointing out the "wrongs" or supposed favoritism you've showed. It sounds like you have been tremendously generous with older daughter too, and now, she just needs to be reminded that you love her, that you take care of them as you see they need it, and its time for her to grow up!

 

[movie zombie]

DF - to your daughter. I know there's a possibility she's just acting out of immature hurt feelings, but this seems to be part of a pattern of her thinking that your money is somehow her money too. You and your wife DO NOT owe her an explanation, and you certainly do not owe her any sort of accounting, but I think if I were in your shoes I'd just tell her that of course you love both girls equally, and by the way... " you did spend a lot more of our money over the years."

And with that, I'm going to step back and let those who have actually fledged children successfully chime in!

ditto! sorry DF; I wouldn't even entertain her with reasons etc.

yep. and i would flat out tell her about all the $ she got that her sister did not over the years......wasn't there a lot of credit card debt as well?

 

[marymm]

Okay - I have a slightly different perspective than most of the other posters so far - when it comes to "life event" type gifts (HS grad, college grad, wedding, etc) given to your children, I fall in the camp of thinking these should be as similar in cost and type as possible... I looked very quickly at the BGD site and if the bangle I saw is the one you purchased for D#2 it seems her gift was apx $2400 and D#1's gift was apx $650 -- these two gifts do not seem comparable at all other than both being diamond jewelry items. Of course children compare gifts, especially when they are given for the same reason, i.e., graduation - and it does seem quite apparent on the face of it that D#2 did get a more expensive gift - unless D#1's gift is actually of the same value of D#2's gift but due to differing economies then and now the cost for the same value gift has risen by that much? (seems unlikely). Whether or not you at this point have given more $$$ to D#1 is basically irrelevant - unless your position is that only D#1 receives help with house purchase and that D#2 will not receive similar help for similar purchase (or if D#2 will never buy a house that you have not already or will not in the future address this inequity)?

 

[iLander]

Honestly, just ignore her. I'm like you, I pay too much attention, and wish I could keep my children from feeling even a tweak of discomfort.

But we're not doing them a service, are we? Shouldn't they learn how to handle discomfort? People who can't handle a little bit of discomfort end up turning to drugs, alcohol, etc. She needs to "Self-soothe" at this point.

Or just say, "Hey, if you want to trade in the house, I'll give you two bracelets."

The fact that she's emotionally blackmailing you is a bit over the top. Ignore it and don't feel even a spec of guilt.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I don't know why your wife felt it necessary to ask your other daughter if she minds that the bangle cost more than her gift. That was just setting you up for her to feel jealous.

If you do a lot for your kids you have to accept they might get a bit spoilt, and as a result may develop a sense of entitlement. I love to do nice things for my children but if I thought for one minute they were expecting to get everything they want I would probably stop. There is no joy in giving to someone who is assuming they will get it anyway. Thats just my opinion.

that is the reason why her mom asked if she was ok with the more expensive gift for her sister.two week ago she said "that's fine" then yesterday...

 

[Maisie]

I don't know why your wife felt it necessary to ask your other daughter if she minds that the bangle cost more than her gift. That was just setting you up for her to feel jealous.

If you do a lot for your kids you have to accept they might get a bit spoilt, and as a result may develop a sense of entitlement. I love to do nice things for my children but if I thought for one minute they were expecting to get everything they want I would probably stop. There is no joy in giving to someone who is assuming they will get it anyway. Thats just my opinion.

that is the reason why her mom asked if she was ok with the more expensive gift for her sister.two week ago she said "that's fine" then yesterday...

I'm not getting what you are saying. Why did her mom ask her if she is ok with the cost of the gift?

 

[monarch64]

Ohhhhh DF, you and your wife are REALLY gonna be in for it when both your daughters start having babies.

 

[Imdanny]

Daughter #1's gift was earrings. Daughter#2's gift was a bracelet.

Earrings are a perfectly acceptable, almost traditional graduation present (assuming someone's going to be lucky enough to get diamond jewelry in the first place). Bracelets cost more than earrings. Daughter #2 happened to want a bracelet.

I don't see any reason to criticize DF and Mrs. DF. I think that Daughter #1 is acting very ungratefully and immaturely. ]

I don't see how Daughter #1, a grown woman, whose parents helped her buy a house, crying over a bracelet and, basically saying she has not received enough, is justifiable.

I remember the thread when DF asked us what we thought of him and Mrs. DF helping Daughter #2 buy a house. I thought it was very touching.

Anyone would be lucky to have such thoughtful, generous parents. The real world is a tough place. I don't think that DF and Mrs. DF slighted Daughter #1 in any way. It seems to me that Daughter #2 should have given her parents the benefit of the doubt before making such an unwarranted accusation. They say that no good deed goes unpunished. Hugs, DF.

 

[lyra]

We have two daughters in their 20's. The youngest always thinks we treat the oldest better, even though, like you, we end up spending much more money on the youngest by bailing her out financially. The oldest is totally responsible and asks for nothing. I don't think the youngest will ever think anything is fair. But we love them equally. You can't win in this. Ask her to trade in her earrings and buy her the bracelet.

 

[Dancing Fire]

IS Daughter #2 your favorite? Perhaps you've done many small things over the years that have bothered your first daughter, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Or perhaps she's being crafty and thinks that if she turns on the water works, you'll feel guilty enough to buy her something else to make up the price difference.

Personally, I'd guess option 2...

her mom said here's what we gonna do...we'll go to Costco and buy the same pair of earrings as yours for your sister's graduation, your dad will order another bracelet (which i did last night) then when you girls get marry these bracelets will be your wedding gift from us.

DD #1 said...that's not the point you and dad had already hurt my feelings.. when we graduated from HS we both received diamond pendants of the approx value. one Xmas we both received a pair of WF diamond earrings. we have always received the same amount of cash for chinese new year.

going to Costco now to see if they still stock the .50ctw hoop earrings.

 

[movie zombie]

i'd love to know DD#2's perspective after all the financial help #1 rec'd over the years.....and i hope you've set aside the same amount of $ to help #2 get a house.

 

[distracts]

I don't see the point of accusing parents of having favorites. My brother is my mom's favorite, and it has always been obvious. I am pretty sure I am my dad's favorite. But there's really no point in getting upset at my mom about it... the ways they treated us unfairly were small, and definitely impacted us much less than the ways in which they spoiled us.

I would recommend not getting matching gifts and telling DD1 to get over it. What are you teaching her by showing her that she can cry and get free stuff? Just tell her that the other week she said she was okay with it, now she gets to live up to what she said, and in the future you guys will try not to make the same mistake but she also needs to be more honest about whether or not she is really okay with something.

 

[Imdanny]

You didn't mention the everything's been the same in the past part, but you've got to admire parents who care so much about their children's happiness. Well done, DF.

 

[chemgirl]

IS Daughter #2 your favorite? Perhaps you've done many small things over the years that have bothered your first daughter, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Or perhaps she's being crafty and thinks that if she turns on the water works, you'll feel guilty enough to buy her something else to make up the price difference.

Personally, I'd guess option 2...

her mom said here's what we gonna do...we'll go to Costco and buy the same pair of earrings as yours for your sister's graduation, your dad will order another bracelet (which i did last night) then when you girls get marry these bracelets will be your wedding gift from us.

DD #1 said...that's not the point you and dad had already hurt my feelings.. when we graduated from HS we both received diamond pendants of the approx value. one Xmas we both received a pair of WF diamond earrings. we have always received the same amount of cash for chinese new year.

going to Costco now to see if they still stock the .50ctw hoop earrings.

I find that a bit funny because my sister and I hate getting the same things. We have different taste and would much rather have something more personalized. For example my sister received a set of Mikimoto pearls for her graduation and I received a flight to the UK. I wouldn't wear the pearls, she doesn't like to travel, so my parents bought us what we wanted without really measuring the price.

Growing up, any talk of "but her blank costs more than mine!" was met with "we don't measure" and my mom taking whatever it was away from the complainer. I've learned to keep my mouth shut!

Personally I think looking for the same earings that you gave D#1 when D#2 asked for a bracelet is pretty silly. I don't get why she gets a say in what you spend your money on.

 

[madelise]

I wish I was your daughter! I pay everything since I was 14!

Seriously, though, I don't think it's right that you're now purchasing MORE for them, and backstepping the present for DD#2 just bc DD#1 is being a brat.

How about this: ask DD#1 for the house money back. And when she gives it back, you'll buy her a bracelet

 

[isaku5]

I wish I was your daughter! I pay everything since I was 14!

Seriously, though, I don't think it's right that you're now purchasing MORE for them, and backstepping the present for DD#2 just bc DD#1 is being a brat.

How about this: ask DD#1 for the house money back. And when she gives it back, you'll buy her a bracelet

That sounds fair me!

Which daughter needed help to pay off or make payments to her credit card?

Who is paying for their education?

If/When these girls marry, who pays? You and Mrs. DF have to put your feet down NOW before this gets even messier.

 

[Haven]

I'm sorry, but your daughter sounds like an ungrateful spoiled brat.

I would LOVE to see how my parents would react if I ever complained that my sister got "more" of a gift than I did for anything. Actually, i know *exactly* how they'd react, because this is how my family works: that gift I complained about would be the last gift I *ever* got from them. Ever.

The fact that your wife asked for DD1's permission to give DD2 a more expensive gift is very strange to me. Why are you asking your children for permission to do anything?

I'm sorry DF, but after all these stories about your children, I think you are dealing with monsters that you and your wife created all by yourselves. I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for you, or blaming DD1 for her behavior. You've clearly taught her that this is acceptable, and that bad behavior will be rewarded.