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Please tell a joke...

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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I don't want to take over Kenny's thread. I've got a few funny jokes I saw the other day.

Please post a joke to share.
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 1, 2009
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9,984
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 1, 2009
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A woman wakes up early one morning and shuffles into her kitchen to find her husband sitting at the table with a fly-slacker/killer thing, anyway. "What you doing?" She asks her husband. "Shhhhh!..I am killing flys I have already killed two females and three males." The wife looks puzzled for a moment before asking, "How the hell do you know what sex the flys are?" He looks at her knowingly and states in a Brittish accent. "The bloody females where on the tellyphone and the plokes where on the beer can!"
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 

Jessie702

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
2,308
I dont have a joke.....but some of these are funny. my SO's and I's inside joke is " Is it a Sin to steal a baby Jesus from someones yad"
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 1, 2009
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THE ENGINEER'S SONG
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
CADD that is ... CRT's ... Microstation;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Dallas, Texas is the place ya oughta be",
So he drove until he felt the heat and humidity,
Summer that is ... no shade ... even your toenails sweat;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him a donut and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
Overtime that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules got slipped and the boss was gettin' mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got called in and escorted out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Downsized ... Unemployed.


Ya'll come back as a contractor now, Ya hear
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 1, 2009
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9,984
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they get their ladders and tape measures and go out to the flagpole. Attempting to measure this flagpole was turning out to be a much more difficult task than any of them had imagined; what with them falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures and so on, the whole thing had just turned into a total mess.
After a while, an engineer happens along and sees what they are attempting to do. She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, and lays it flat on the ground. She measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away without saying a word.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs as he's shaking his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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TOP TEN THINGS ENGINEERING SCHOOL DIDN'T TEACH YOU

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.
 

dragonfly411

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
7,378
You know how you can tell someone is a horse person when driving down the road? Every time they pass a horse, their entire car goes off the side of the road that the horse is on as they holler "Look at that horse!!!!"
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,984
Gah!!! My classes must be teaching me something because I now find this very funny.


Windoze 2000 Source Code
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();

totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98") ; */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory =
open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,984
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,984
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,984
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,984
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure…very risky…but it’s the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves…”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “$100,000 for a male brain, and $1000 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:

“Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group: “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

dianne

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 18, 2007
Messages
1,052
A male friend sent me this one. He said it was officially the Joke of the Year. Here goes:


Two women were sitting quietly together minding their own business.


The End.
 

jstarfireb

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 24, 2007
Messages
6,232
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all on death row. When their time came, they went up before a firing squad. The redhead was first. She was blindfolded and the firing squad raised their rifles, but at the last second, she yelled "Earthquake!" and the executioners all ran for cover. The redhead took off the blindfold and ran away to safety. When the brunette's turn came, she yelled out "Tornado!" causing the executioners again to run for cover, and allowing her to escape.

Then it was the blonde's turn. She waited for the countdown...3..2...1...and shouted out "FIRE!"

(with apologies to blondes!)
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,267
An elderly pensioner got a flyer through the letterbox promising "Sex at 78!"

"Brilliant!", thought the pensioner, "I live at 75 - I can just walk right home afterwards!"
 
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