Maybe we should cut our mother-in-laws some slack?

[LALove]

And by "we", I mean ME!

Came across this article the other day:
http://www.rd.com/slideshows/13-things-your-mother-in-law-wont-tell-you/

Oh man, the first point made me weepy! (Must be hormones.) I imagined that was me holding DS's arm while being "replaced" by his wife.

Of course moms aren't really replaced- a mom is a mom and irreplaceable but normally a wife does take over the #1 woman role in a man's life.

My relationship with my MIL started out horribly! She hated me from the start, for absolutely no reason. I see now that she thought I was taking her (only) son away. She would nitpick and start fights over the most ridiculous things. My reaction was to get mad at her crazy and irrational behavior and have less to do with her. Which made her even more upset so I'd withdraw more and so on. Had she just told me her true feelings from the start, we could have avoided years of drama. Of course now, since I have my own son, it's easier for me to see how she may have felt. This article really made me realize - again - how she may have felt/still feel with this change. If I can see her point of view, and she mine, we'll have understanding and it will be easier to work out our issues.

Today our relationship is pretty good- I think she uses DS as a substitute for DH in terms of doting and getting to care for someone again. She's a great grandma! I'm very thankful for that.

Here's the same type of article for MILs:
http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/mother-in-law-daughter-in-law/sshow10-things-daughter-in-law-wont-tell

You know how some couples go through counseling before they get married? I think it'd be a good idea for MILs and DILs to do so as well!

Just thought I'd share these articles in case they can help the MILs and DILs out there gain some understanding.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

LA I agree with you utterly and completely!

My relationship with my MIL is a work in progress, but especially since becoming a mother to sons I am trying to be more accepting and compassionate.

In relationships, when one person is behaving badly, the vast majority of the time insecurity and hurt feelings are to blame. People pick fights, over react, act sullen, and criticise when THEY feel insecure about ANOTHER person's love and regard. I cannot think of any relationship more prone to feeling insecure, on both people's parts, than the MIL-DIL relationship.

And I also think you are right to say mothers need to be more accepting of the partners' their kids choose, too. Relationships are really a two way street!

When my MIL acts badly I try to take the high road and remain open and respond to her real needs (usually reassurance of her importance in our family) not her behavior (accusations and such). I do not always succeed. But I am trying. It does seem to work and help, though since my husband and I moved away from his family for my job two years ago, taking the grand kids with us of course, there have been a lot of adjustments to make.

 

[minousbijoux]

You know I had a relationship with my MIL that was civil - there was a language barrier, so I think she thought I was a little crazy when I made mistakes in her language (I remember once asking her if she had enough room in the front seat and instead I asked her if she had enough room on her plate! ) She passed a while back, about the same time we divorced.

But I have two sons. My younger son is super affectionate, and always wants to check in with me to see how I'm doing, to give me hugs or cuddles, to sit with me, etc. I wish I could relax and enjoy it, but instead I'm always thinking "what will happen when he gets a girlfriend and then gives her all his attention? I know that's normal, and I look forward to it for him (it feels sometimes a bit awkward to get attention showered on me from my teenager), but still, I wonder, will I be able to deal, or will I think she is not worthy?

Oh boy, I am so filled with trepidation...

 

[Rhea]

I'm really lucky. I can't relate at all. We've always gotten along. I'm sure she stills thinks some of this, but I have no evidence of it. Her son and I even separated for a long time and lived apart. It's all just fallen back into place and she's backed off as DH and I repaired the relationship.

I wish that MIL and I had more in common. I'm her opposite in the way that we think, but I actually really like her and have actively encouraged her to visit, come around, and do stuff with us. My MIL is a live and let live type, and we function with no bitterness or resentment that I'm aware of. Though she's oddly honest about what she thinks about my clothes and hair - apparently I have terrible taste (her words) so she's taken to buying me clothes. She has great taste so I'm grateful and we laugh about how a woman in her mid-60s is more stylish than a woman in her 30s.

 

[kenny]

My MIL is a gem.
I love her.

 

[Haven]

I never got to meet my MIL. She died a year and a half before I met DH. She'll be gone ten years this October.

From the stories I've heard, she was not an easy MIL. (And this is according to everyone in the family, not just my SIL.) However, I'd deal with whatever issues came up just so my husband could have his mom back for a while. We visit her grave several times a year, and I see how much he misses her then and always. It breaks my heart.

 

[iLander]

Oh, yes, please do! I am a MIL, and I think I hate it.

Everything I say is blown out of all proportion ("why did you talk about real estate? You're putting too much pressure on our relationship"), everything I like (my Chanel bag, for example) makes me a diva, and talking about childhood memories with my son makes him feel "less like a man". Oh excuse the F outta me! I'm not larger than life, I'm just me, and I don't need that kind of pressure.

My Advice: If you have a MIL, just do her the favor of pretending she's a coworker or a lady from your book club, and stop blowing things out of proportion. It's a bit ridiculous!

My personal relationship: I had a terrible relationship with my MIL: she told me I needed a nose job, that she expected DH to marry another woman and that I shouldn't think I can't lose him. (this was in response to when I told her that I really appreciated the way she raised DH and I told her that he's a wonderful guy). She took pot shots at me for 25+ years before she passed away.

So I was looking forward to NOT being the evil MIL. I wanted DS to get married, live a normal life, be happy. I'm not clingy; fly, be free, DS! But when I told DIL that I was looking forward to spending time together, going shopping together and getting to know each other, DIL says "I'm not in a very open place in my life right now". Excuse me? (That was on top of a huge wedding drama which I won't go into).

So F--- it. I'll just be the aloof MIL, diva queen, much scorned by DIL, who's bad-mouthing me to DS (he admitted that she called me an "attention ho"). I will pretend that I believe them when they say they have 3 weddings to go to in one weekend (they have no friends, give me a break ), and a "conference" on his dad's birthday. I will ignore it when she denigrates my son in front of me, and makes little snide remarks to him. In return for this pissy treatment, I give gifts that I know she doesn't like (an umbrella for example), I no longer listen when she talks, I don't hug her if I can avoid it, I do basically anything I can do to avoid her. Being with the two of them is a strain, we're just polite strangers with my only son, and we're all depressed after we're with them. I miss the boy that could be relaxed and be himself with his family. I can't say a word or she'll see to it that we don't see him at all (like the first year of the marriage).

So I have turned into the pissy MIL that I didn't want to be. And I'm pretty sure it's not all my fault.

Oh, and remember, the Chinese symbol for "trouble" is made up of two women under one roof.

 

[Laila619]

Aww, Haven.

My MIL and I were a little rocky when DH and I were first married, but she is a kick-ass Grandma to my son and for that, I love and adore her now. I still sense at times she doesn't like me, but what can I do? She has sort of a cool, aloof demeanor, so it's hard to read her sometimes, and I could be interpreting things the wrong way. She always tells me to call her by her first name, but I feel so weird doing that, so I keep calling her 'mom.' I would be flattered if my DIL referred to me as 'mom' but I guess she just doesn't like that.

 

[Ravenne]

I don't have a MIL.. yet. BF and I have been together for 3.5 years. Quickly closing in on 4. His parents hate me, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.

iLander, you're on the other side of this, maybe you can help me?! Or anyone who has some advise or a different perspective. They're come up to visit this weekend. And I always get this mix of "Oh god, this is going to be so stressful, but maybe they'll actually hug me this time..." emotions whenever they do.

They told him they think I "don't push him." What does that even mean? He's graduating next year. He's applying for law schools now. And the whole time I've been there proofing his papers (I'm a more natural writer than he is. For all his intelligence, his grammar is less than stellar. Lol), urging him to get up for his 8ams and not go to the midnight release of this new video game because he'll be cranky from lack of sleep all day tomorrow. We were even long distance for a while before I moved back up here and that only made us stronger. But apparently they see it as luring him into some kind of trap.

We have separate apartments, but spend most nights at his. When they found out we have slept in the same bed, WW3 started. They threatened to cut off paying for his tuition and basically leave him high and dry. Keep in mind, He's 22, I'm 24 and neither of us have made the kind of "bad decisions" that would make a parent worry about their child's ability to live on their own. I realize we're still pretty young, but they were already married and had their first child (BF) at our ages..

But recently his mom went shopping, called him and told him she bought me a bunch of clothes and was going through his sister's old things and asked him if I'd like any of them. I am so confused!!

In your MIL opinion, what is the deal? If you were in this position with your DIL, what would you want her to do? I'm willing to do whatever I need to do (within reason..) to cultivate a relationship with her. I always dreamed about having a MIL that I can talk with, ask advise from, and help her cook Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not going to give up, but frankly I'm at a loss and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

Geez... can you tell this is on my mind a lot?

 

[iLander]

I don't have a MIL.. yet. BF and I have been together for 3.5 years. Quickly closing in on 4. His parents hate me, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.

iLander, you're on the other side of this, maybe you can help me?! Or anyone who has some advise or a different perspective. They're come up to visit this weekend. And I always get this mix of "Oh god, this is going to be so stressful, but maybe they'll actually hug me this time..." emotions whenever they do.

In your MIL opinion, what is the deal? If you were in this position with your DIL, what would you want her to do? I'm willing to do whatever I need to do (within reason..) to cultivate a relationship with her. I always dreamed about having a MIL that I can talk with, ask advise from, and help her cook Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not going to give up, but frankly I'm at a loss and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

Geez... can you tell this is on my mind a lot?

Start out by giving his mom a compliment. Pick out something you really can admire (purse, shoes, whatever) and compliment her a few minutes after she comes in (not jewelry, though, it seems like gold-digging). They seem old fashioned, so get everyone a beverage, then be very polite but hang back. They are coming to visit their son, and probably would appreciate some time alone with him if possible (take a quick trip to store for something you "forgot"?). Work into the conversation about how you help him with writing, but don't be pushy. Ask MIL for advice on something (something you're cooking, houseplants, whatever her speciality is), we love that. When you're dealing with people, remember they love to talk about themselves. Get her to ramble on about a past family vacation, or her work, or her hobby, and she'll think you're the best conversationalist in the world. Don't talk too much to FIL, she'll take that as going around her. You want to defer, but not be simpering. Treat her like she's a coworker or whatever, and don't be nervous, or she'll get nervous in return. Have a beer/wine before they arrive, if you have to calm down. I think she wants to be friends, but you'll have to find something in common (besides your BF) to make it really stick.

Does she have any daughters? I have a DD, and I think that makes it a lot easier for me. Women who raise only boys, IMHO (please don't anyone flame me) have more trouble accepting and relating to DIL's. Because of the fun I have with DD, I was really looking forward to a DIL, but she obviously doesn't want that.

 

[ame]

My MIL kicks so much a$$. I love her. My own mom tends to make me nuts though.

 

[OneFifty]

My MIL is a cute little blond who smiles all the time. I hit the jackpot. (Her son's not too bad either )

 

[AmeliaG]

Ravenne,

Honestly it doesn't look like your in-laws dislike you personally but they're worried a serious relationship competes with the commitment they're paying for - law school. Its not totally groundless - I've seen serious relationships influence men and women to cut short school and their careers because its simply too hard for them to balance two time-consuming commitments. Some people can balance them; your ILs may worry your BF is not one of them.

Your ILs complain that you don't push him enough (in law school no doubt) and they weren't pleased when they found you were spending all the time at his house. Probably not the sex but the time you are spending with him and the deepening of the relationship taking away from time and energy he could be devoting to his studies. I'm not saying they're right; but its not an off-the-wall concern.

If I'm right, you're not the problem, there's nothing you can do. It's not going to ease up until your BF convinces them he can handle the double commitment of law school and a serious relationship.

 

[LJL]

LOL I can't relate at all. My future MIL is great, a little scatterbrained but she knows it and can laugh about it. Her son/my SO gives her a hard time a lot and I take the pressure off her - he just thinks its funny to push her buttons and she can't tell he's kidding. Poor lady. Shes very good to us. My parents are also phenomenal and love my SO. All good on this front For so many of the items on that list, I could never imagine her feeling those things, maybe bc she has two sons so she doesnt have the "clingy" issue. As long as she can contact him by phone once a day or every other for 5-10 mins, shes good.

 

[Puppmom]

The best thing about my MIL is that she often reminds DH that his wife and children are most important and should come first always. I think she can tell that DH sometimes struggles in an attempt to make everyone happy...we all know that's not possible!

As the mom to a 17 year old girl, I'm beginning to see how difficult it will be to let go and not impose my idea of happiness on her.

ETA - she's a meticulous housekeeper, a great cook and uber-interested in all things her children do. She's superior to me in all of these departments and I sometimes wonder if it drives her bonkers. The reward for being inferior in these areas is that she sometimes cleans my house and drops off casseroles. Bring it on!

 

[Ravenne]

AmeliaG: They've voiced that concern to him and he's always been firm that he has no problem being with me and going through law school. He is incredibly stubborn and has a one track mind. He has his sights set on military law. He'll do whatever he has to do to accomplish it. He's felt a bit insulted that they think so little of his abilities.

And no, it was definitely when they found out their son wasn't a virgin that things went from uncomfortable to panic attack inducing. That was when they threatened to pull their financial help. I believe his mother's words were "If you want to make adult decisions like that then you can support yourself." That was not a fun afternoon. It wasn't until BF made it clear that his only option would be moving in with me that they backtracked. They're definitely still not happy about it and make comments to him all the time to remind him.

I don't want to give the impression that his mother is a bad person. She isn't, but she does guilt trip him a loooooot and he's said she has a hard time seeing any perspective but her own. Gah...

iLander: I do try to do all of those things.. I compliment her when she gets a new hair dye job (when I notice... I probably don't catch it most of the time), outfits, cooking... Last time we visited, I spent a day with her while BF went golfing with a friend. We went shopping at Ulta (where she insisted she pay for some nail polish I was fully planning on paying for myself. Honestly that makes me uncomfortable, she does that a lot). I helped her decide on new hair products and a new brush. I told her how helping her cook once helped one of my own recipes. I added a specific spice she uses in a similar dish and it makes it near perfect and then thanked her for letting me help her in the kitchen. Apparently after that visit, she called BF to say that I was manipulative and an immature, hurtful person. I thought we'd had a pleasant day! I was completely shocked when he told me that.

Whenever they come up I make sure I always have something to do with friends so I'm not always there. This weekend, my roommates and I had already planned a movie day so that's working out well. (Labyrinth and LOTR marathon!!)

She doesn't need any prompts to ramble. Lol. She'll talk your ear off, but she almost always goes to politics and that's dangerous. She's a strict conservative, I'm a libertarian. We don't agree on a lot of things. And then we come back to the not seeing any other perspective issue... She resorts to implying personal insults when she sees you won't agree with her view. But she never outright says anything. I try to keep her on family and stuff like that, but it doesn't always work. Then I have to clam up.

Again, I have a great deal of respect for her and admire her for raising such an amazing young man (which I've also told her). I *want* her to like me since I do actually like her, but she doesn't make it easy.

Oh, and yes she does have a daughter. BF's sister is a Sophomore at the same college he's currently attending. Sister is a whole other can of worms, but she's warmed to me recently. We bonded over jewelry no less. LOL

 

[AmeliaG]

And no, it was definitely when they found out their son wasn't a virgin that things went from uncomfortable to panic attack inducing.

That could be serious - are they religious? How do you feel about religion? Is this a potential source of conflict in the future when you have kids?

AmeliaG: They've voiced that concern to him and he's always been firm that he has no problem being with me and going through law school. He is incredibly stubborn and has a one track mind. He has his sights set on military law. He'll do whatever he has to do to accomplish it. He's felt a bit insulted that they think so little of his abilities.

They may have no qualms about his abilities to do well in law school if he has no other serious commitments (no serious girlfriends, serious hobbies, etc.) but they may be worried because law school has a reputation for being notoriously demanding both of time and energy. I think they didn't even like your being engaged while he's in school? I can't think of a reason they would mind an engagement other than the fact that an engagment is seen as a serious commitment. It can be just a simple worry that he only has so much time and energy and he doesn't have enough of either to spread around. Again, I think your BF has to address this concern - not you. But maybe once he's out of law school they'll relax.

Hey his sister can't be that bad; she likes jewelry!

 

[AmeliaG]

iLander: I do try to do all of those things.. I compliment her when she gets a new hair dye job (when I notice... I probably don't catch it most of the time), outfits, cooking... Last time we visited, I spent a day with her while BF went golfing with a friend. We went shopping at Ulta (where she insisted she pay for some nail polish I was fully planning on paying for myself. Honestly that makes me uncomfortable, she does that a lot). I helped her decide on new hair products and a new brush. I told her how helping her cook once helped one of my own recipes. I added a specific spice she uses in a similar dish and it makes it near perfect and then thanked her for letting me help her in the kitchen. Apparently after that visit, she called BF to say that I was manipulative and an immature, hurtful person. I thought we'd had a pleasant day! I was completely shocked when he told me that.

Oops, I missed this; she doesn't seem nice and it wasn't nice of your BF to repeat this to you.

 

[Ravenne]

They aren't overtly religious. They go to church on Christmas and Easter. But they don't appear any more religious than my parents so I don't think it's a big issue that way. BF and I actually met in church, so our religious views match up very well. We're more inclined to go to church than either of our parents.

And honestly, I have a feeling that BF doesn't tell me a lot of what she says, but that particular time I walked in on him in tears after getting off the phone with her. I wasn't about to let that one go. I'd prefer he tells me, really. I want to know what someone really thinks of me, not the pretty face they put up. I can't make informed decisions without correct information. And I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not manipulative (I'm not a subtle person. If I want something, I'm clear about it, but I don't beat around the bush). She didn't hurt my feelings really, more that I was hurt she played nice all day then turned around and lashed out at BF, upsetting him that badly instead of just being up front with me.

 

[AmeliaG]

That's encouraging then, Ravenne.

Though I don't think I could have a real trusting relationship with someone who said I was manipulative, immature and hurtful. She may have just been venting but even so, what she said was very hurtful. Pot calling the kettle black some?

 

[minousbijoux]

Do you think that you could raise this with her at some point? She may try to punt or do some kind of end run to avoid the discussion, but if you have made the first overture in an open and loving way, it might just throw her off her guard. Even if she doesn't want to talk, how can she not hear you say that you want a good relationship with her - that you believe you two could have a good time together, that you hope to have an opportunity to spend more time with her, to hear what it was like being BF's mother. I wonder if you could even bring up the "incident" by explaining how sad it made BF and you; that you would like to change the perception and be close to her...and leave it open ended from there and see where the conversation goes...

 

[Ravenne]

I want to bring it up with her at some point, especially if things don't get any better before we start getting into heavy wedding planning in a year or two. BF has asked that I not rock the boat until he graduates and we move in together. At that point he won't be financially dependent on them and feels like we would be able to talk to them as equals. I feel like I could talk to them like equals now, but I doubt they'd see it that way. And since they're his parents, I defer to how he wants things to be handled. He does the same with mine.

I just get the feeling that if it ever gets brought up she'll make light of it while I'm there and then complain later. Or worse, explode and actually do something that will affect BF's college career. I know BF would never want me to bring up how much she upset him. He's a typical guy in that he doesn't want to ever seem "weak." I'll stroke his ego on that one. I can see her taking it and flipping it around on me anyway, since I was the one actually there. She has a tendency to twist words around, but I don't know if it's a genuine misunderstanding on her part or if it's more malicious. She once took my saying "He's trying to lose some weight and he's doing great. I think he looks great at whatever weight, though" to mean "I think he looks better overweight." Stuff like that.

 

[AmeliaG]

If your MIL doesn't say what she means, she may suspect everyone else of not saying what they mean either.

I think your BF has the right idea. I may be wrong but I still think they're waiting from him to prove himself to them before treating him like an adult. He may not even need to graduate to look like an adult in their eyes so the thaw may happen sooner than you think.

One can only hope.

 

[Ravenne]

I feel like he has proven himself. He's double majoring, doing well grades wise, doing well with money, has had a job for 2 years (which they don't like and keep telling him to quit because "It's just a part time job and future employers won't care") and has proven he can live on his own without catastrophe... unless you count his laundry basket.

But they still think he's really immature and can't handle himself. He's the right level of maturity for someone about to graduate college. If they expect him to be at the level of a 30 or 40 year old... well that's a whole other issue. I'd say we're both fairly mature for our ages, but we don't think we're that far ahead. LOL. We do still love to play video games until 3am on Friday night after all.

ETA: I'm definitely hoping you're right and they're not just waiting for graduation as some obscure reference point for maturity. I'd love for them to suddenly see how wonderful of a young adult their son is and start respecting him for that.

 

[AmeliaG]

... has had a job for 2 years (which they don't like and keep telling him to quit because "It's just a part time job and future employers won't care")

Ah then, I KNOW I'm right! Don't worry; it will pass. I don't know how many times I heard in college 'It's a waste to take a job if its not going to further your career." In other words, its not worth it to do ANYTHING if its not going to further your career. I didn't have to wait till graduation to be treated like an adult; mine eased up as we got close to the last year of school.

Are you sure they're doubting your BF's capabilities or are they just scared of the competitiveness of the law field? There's a huge competition for good starting jobs for lawyers and there are a lot of very bright, competent, out-of-work lawyers. Maybe on second thought, perhaps they will only breathe easy when he's got a good starting job and is doing well.

My parents were pretty sure I'd make it by the summer before I graduated but my field wasn't that competitive. If I'd gone into law, I don't think they would have relaxed so soon. I hope that's not the case for your BF's parents.

 

[Haven]

Ravenne--I think it's really difficult for parents to view their children as adults when the kids are still financially dependent on them. I saw this in my own family--I was on my own once I graduated from HS, and I paid for college and grad school on my own. By the time my sister A went to undergrad my parents were in a different financial situation and they supported her through undergrad, and continued to pay several of her bills after college. My parents definitely treated A like a child for the entire time she was depending on them financially, and they treated me like an adult once I graduated from HS.

The other thing I wanted to share is that I think some parents have a difficult time *ever* seeing their children as adults. My husband is 42, and he's the most responsible person I know. He makes me feel like a real slug, to be honest, responsibility-wise. But you know what? His father and uncles STILL treat him like he's a child. The key here is that he responds to them as an adult, and that's what makes all the difference.

Your BF may not be able to change the way his parents treat him, but he can change the way he responds to them. The next time your FMIL says something disparaging about you or your relationship or him, he needs to stand up for you or himself the way a grown adult should. 

Easier said than done, I know.

Good luck with all this. If those purse strings start too pull too tightly, maybe he should consider paying his own way for grad school. It's very freeing to be financially independent of your parents, especially if they pull this kind of stuff.

By the way--I am SO jealous of your Labyrinth/LOTR movie marathon! Your friends are way cooler than mine, the only people I can get to watch Labyrinth and LOTR with me are my niece and nephew!

 

[iLander]

iLander: I do try to do all of those things.. I compliment her when she gets a new hair dye job (when I notice... I probably don't catch it most of the time), outfits, cooking... Last time we visited, I spent a day with her while BF went golfing with a friend. We went shopping at Ulta (where she insisted she pay for some nail polish I was fully planning on paying for myself. Honestly that makes me uncomfortable, she does that a lot). I helped her decide on new hair products and a new brush. I told her how helping her cook once helped one of my own recipes. I added a specific spice she uses in a similar dish and it makes it near perfect and then thanked her for letting me help her in the kitchen. Apparently after that visit, she called BF to say that I was manipulative and an immature, hurtful person. I thought we'd had a pleasant day! I was completely shocked when he told me that.

Well, I think she's just a head case then. There's nothing you can do with all that. Just ignore her as best you can.

Some people you just can't reach. My DIL will someday be somebody's MIL, and I feel sorry for that poor girl. You can't be close with everybody.

 

[Ravenne]

AmeliaG: I'm sure they are just worried, but they come off as condescending more than anything. BF sees it as normal. It's just weird to me because their family dynamic is so different from mine. I guess I just don't understand how they work. By the time I was a Junior my parents were like "You need advise?" "No." "Alright then, get to it." LOL Always supportive, but they were very hands off very early on unless I asked for them to be otherwise. I just want things to chill out!

I also think part of it is that I'm not in a field that takes years of schooling. I got my degree (art history), opted out of grad school due to money, and then went into logistics and transportation. Logistics is a great field to be in, and my family's been in it for generations, so I know how it works. But they see it is as settling and that I'm not ambitious. And it's true I'm not (to the degree they want). I want a good career that pays for my outside of work hobbies (like jewelry!) but I could always see myself doing a lot of things and being perfectly happy. I want a job that stays at work. So I can come home and be with my family without stressing about work. Them on the other hand.. Mom's a teacher and is super dedicated (which is awesome and I wish there were more teachers like her), Dad's a very successful architect that's designed some well known buildings all across the country, BF is wanting to do military law or state politics (whichever, he'd be happy with both, but right now military law looks more appealing), sister is going into aerospace engineering and wants to work for the air force designing jets and who knows what else. And then the rest of the family.. is about the same.

So yeah, I feel like they feel like he could get someone "better."

Haven: He does need to stand up to them more, but I just keep reminding myself that he knows them better than I do and that he is still in school and that 2-3 years ago (when I was about to graduate), I probably would've behaved very similarly. So I'm letting him go at his own pace.

Oh, and I did forget to mention earlier, they aren't paying for his law school. He'll be taking out loans. They've said they might be able to help, and I'm hoping they will so there will be less debt, but they've made it clear they can't pay for it. Thankfully this will be the only debt we've got. We both will have our undergrad degrees debt free. And it is nice to be financially independent. I feel like that was the biggest influence on me to date as far as growing as a person.

And for movie night... Yay!! One of them has never seen Labyrinth and the other hasn't seen LOTR. We all decided this was unacceptable so we're fixing it.

iLander: I know you can't please everybody, but I am still hoping that things will change one day. After all, I'll be spending holidays with this family. I'd rather not be uncomfortable the whole time (and they celebrate every holiday with a family get together that involves about 20 people). BF asked that I not give up. For his sake, I won't. He rarely asks anything difficult of me.

Thanks you guys for talking to me about all this. You've given me a lot to think about. I don't want to keep hijacking this thread though. I just realized what had happened! Oops!

 

[AmeliaG]

Oh, and I did forget to mention earlier, they aren't paying for his law school. He'll be taking out loans. They've said they might be able to help, and I'm hoping they will so there will be less debt, but they've made it clear they can't pay for it. Thankfully this will be the only debt we've got. We both will have our undergrad degrees debt free. And it is nice to be financially independent. I feel like that was the biggest influence on me to date as far as growing as a person.

Then I really don't understand them. Good luck.

 

[missy]

For all of you who have great relationships with your MIL- good for you! It's a win win situation for sure. No one wins when you don't get along with your MIL. You lose, your MIL loses, your dh loses- it's a sucky situation all around.

When my dh and I were first dating and I met his mom, well, she didn't like me from the start. I thought the first visit went fairly well- couldn't be more wrong! Anyway, not going to rehash it all here. Suffice it to say it took a long time, lots of patience and a bit of tough love on my part and I *think* we have a decent relationship today. I call her a few times a month and chat for a good amount of time and it is always pleasant. We see her only a few times a year though but truthfully that might be for the best.

We are polar opposites. She raised 3 boys and has no experience with girls (except her DIL's and her grandkids) and has no emotional intelligence whatsoever. Whereas I am a girly girl and very emotionally intuitive (except for my first visit with her LOL- my radar was totally off that day!). But we found some common ground (besides loving my dh) over the years and nurtured that. I respect her for raising 3 upstanding men and teaching them to be so responsible and capable.

She helped shape my husband to the totally awesome man he is today and for that I will be forever grateful. She just seems to be missing that warm and fuzzy gene and I come from a very emotional loving family so we are very different that way. But I do love her because she is the mother of my dh and that is enough for me. I am just glad she doesn't dislike me (so much at least) anymore. That was a rough first decade with her for sure.

My advice- be patient, be polite/respectful (but also firm in not being a doormat), be yourself and make sure to maintain your sense of humor when it all feels so frustrating. Most of all don't let it tear you and your SO apart. You are a team and you can work through anything that gets thrown at you including difficult in laws. The important thing is that you have each other to lean and you can make it through. With time it should get easier as long as you maintain perspective and sometimes distance (from your difficult in-laws) LOL.