Is this insulting?

[klewis]

Date: 1/2/2010 7:32:02 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 1/2/2010 7:21:30 PM

Author: klewis



Nah, not insulting but to anyone sensitive about their weight your comment wouldn''t have gone unnoticed.

Date: 1/2/2010 6:35:07 PM


Author: PinkAsscher678


Personally, I secretly get exasperated when skinny people complain. I struggled with weight my entire life, so when my stick thin friends whine about how they need to lose 3 pounds, it makes me roll my eyes.




I know you didn''t mean your comment to be insensitive, but some people do struggle with weight, and don''t need the reminder that they have never in their lives been ''bikini ready.''

''Skinny'' used to describe someone who is slim can be similarly and unintentionally offensive. ''Slim'' is a better word to use.






Life is a minefield of potentially unintentional insults.

Erm... ok?

I have never heard anyone else think ''skinny'' was offensive in my entire life.

I was just saying how, whatever we say, there''s the possibilty of hurting some (overly?) sensitive person''s feelings.

I was discussing "skinny'' with two of my sisters over Christmas time. When we were at school we were all considered "skinny" and people, especially aunties, would say things like "oh have another helping of that, you could do with it, you''re so skinny". Due to our taller, leaner build all of us were good at one or another track and field event but my sisters wished to be more curvy in the right places and I would have liked to have had a more rugby player type muscular build. Now, we are in our 40''s & 50''s and people still say, "Oh you''re lucky, you''re skinny" and it''s usually said as a compliment but actually we all have to watch our weight to a some degree, it''s easier to pack on the pounds these days, and staying slim gets harder as the years go by, but the word does have a negative connotation to us. I''m never insulted and I have to admit, as the clocks ticks on, it is starting to sound more attractive

 

[Mara]

MC...pick me up a box of twinkies at Safeway too please. (i actually got a box earlier today, blame my preggo cravings HAHA).

PA...i don''t think that anyone is saying they don''t GET how the gal could have construed it as offensive or insulting, but it isn''t what the OP intended. I totally agree re: watching what you say to certain people in general AND especially in a work environment. I wouldn''t talk about a bikini in a work environ unless it was to a really good girlfriend, and even then prob not hanging out in my cube since others could overhear.

 

[LD]

If you had made the comment about her then yes, that would be rude. However, you were commenting about yourself and how YOU feel so no, it''s not rude. If I had been larger than you I would have replied saying something along the lines of "you think you have problems, imagine how I''d feel?!!!!" and make a joke of it. If you''re good enough friends/work colleagues then she''ll know that you never meant her to feel awkward.

Could you have misinterpreted her look? Could she have been genuinely surprised that you felt that way?

 

[vespergirl]

I wouldn''t worry about it, but because weight can be a sensitive issue for some people, that may be why she flinched a little when you said it. Of my crowd of 4 girls who always hang out, 3 of us are slim, and 1 is overweight. One of the slim girls is always going on about how she feels fat, bloated, needs to lose a few lbs., etc., and I can tell that our heavier friend is always uncomfortable when our other friend starts going off on those things. I usually just try to change the subject, but I think that she does maybe feel like the other friend is somehow judging her for not being as thin as her.

I know that the slim friend does not feel that way, but her constant self-critique of her normal-sized body is a little off-putting to our friend who struggles more with her weight.

 

[somethingshiny]

First off, YAY for a great gift and a super trip!! Secondly, I am a size 16/18 and would''ve been offended by your comment for the exact " if that''s how you feel about you, what do you think about me" reason. It almost seems a bit self-centered for the chubby girl in the equation to think of her body when you''re talking about your trip, but chubby girls are very aware of their bodies and believe that others are as well. At this point, unless you''re close with her, I''d blow it off and try not to be insensitive. Don''t walk on eggshells, but think before you speak.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It happened. It was an unfortunate comment that probably *did* hurt her feelings. You seem like a good person b/c the fact is you feel regretful and guilty about it. Hopefully your coworker knows you well enough to know you never meant to insult her. Most women I know have body issues. Doesn''t matter what their dress size is or the number is when they step on the scale. I seriously cannot think of one female in my life who has never complained (at least once) about their weight. I am sure I have made similar comments in the past not thinking of my audience but instead thinking sincerely about my unhappiness over my body. It''s not about walking on eggshells but having a little more sensitivity. I would let it go. Apologizing will just bring more attention to it.

Have a GREAT trip!!!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/2/2010 8:22:44 PM
Author: Mara
MC...pick me up a box of twinkies at Safeway too please. (i actually got a box earlier today, blame my preggo cravings HAHA).

Mara - My husband and I were watching some movie (I forget which) and they were joking about Twinkies throughout it so we bought some for the kids because we figured everyone has got to experience those at least once and I remember loving them as a kid. . .and oh man, they were NASTY. lol The kids loved them though and I can see how they'd be fabulous while preg. It's funny the things craved during that time

 

[junebug17]

Date: 1/2/2010 11:24:12 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
It happened. It was an unfortunate comment that probably *did* hurt her feelings. You seem like a good person b/c the fact is you feel regretful and guilty about it. Hopefully your coworker knows you well enough to know you never meant to insult her. Most women I know have body issues. Doesn''t matter what their dress size is or the number is when they step on the scale. I seriously cannot think of one female in my life who has never complained (at least once) about their weight. I am sure I have made similar comments in the past not thinking of my audience but instead thinking sincerely about my unhappiness over my body. It''s not about walking on eggshells but having a little more sensitivity. I would let it go. Apologizing will just bring more attention to it.

Have a GREAT trip!!!!

Tacori, this is exactly what I wanted to say, but you expressed it so much better than I would have. Very well said!

 

[marcy]

I don''t think you were rude. I used to wear size 5X and pretty much anyone that made a comment about losing weight made me uncomfortable. Not because they hurt my feelings but because I was embarassed that I wasn''t the one trying to lose weight. I would not have been hurt buy your comment but it''s not a conversation I would have enjoyed for my own reasons. I would just be more aware in the future and avoid talking about weight / diet / body topics around her. Have fun on your trip.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I hope this doesn''t sound insulting - but I''ve actually been up against this comment before and every time what I thought was, "boy - she''s so cute, what the heck is wrong with her self esteem?" because I''m way bigger than you and being bikini perfect wouldn''t even cross my mind let alone be a thought or comment

 

[Indylady]

I don''t think insulting is the right word for it; perhaps a little unnerving for your co-worker, but I''d hardly consider it insulting.

I have a cousin who has been failing highschool for the past two years; shes 20 and a senior in highschool, though she should be a sophomore in college. Naturally, when she meets people or sees old relatives, they ask her what she''s doing and where she''s going to school. Its meant to be a harmless question, but it stings for her every time to tell them she''s a senior in highschool like she has been for the last few years. Your comment was intended to be harmless, and though I''m sure it stung a little, I don''t think its anything to be too worried about.

 

[Porridge]

It's not insulting but it could have come across as insensitive. You don't have to walk on eggshells, just maybe hone your social filter a little bit. However it clearly wasn't intentional and it wasn't that bad at all so I wouldn't worry about or at all. We all let things slip out without thinking sometimes.

ETA I agree skinny can be insulting as it implies underweight. Slim is much more complimentary. There was a loooong thread where this was discussed months ago but I'm too lazy to dig it up.

 

[bee*]

I wouldn''t consider it insensitive or walk on eggshells in the future, but I would probably roll my eyes to myself and think how does she not think she''s bikini ready.

 

[NakedFinger]

As always ladies, thank you for your incite and advice.

I should point out to the people who said it was inappropriate for work....while she is a colleague, we are very friendly and do hang out with each other outside of work. Which is probably why I felt more comfortable with her than someone else.

I will put this in my "foot in mouth" file and avoid comments like this in the future!

Thanks again gals!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

A few posters have said quite rightly that most women have some body hang-ups. I could be way off here, but maybe if we stopped making comments like this one, even in our own heads, then we''d find the issues recede a little?

I hate hearing comments like that because it makes me feel sad for the person saying it. Whether you''re a size 2 or a size 22, If you''re uncomfortable in your own skin, no amount of diet or exercise will address the issue.

 

[partgypsy]

Mrs. Mitchell ditto. Years ago I remember talking to a past coworker who was complaining of the same thing, a vacation centered around beach and pool and not feeling ready for it. She was heavier than me but I always thought of her as very feminine and curvy. She said that she was wouldn''t even bring a bathing suit because she didn''t want to be put in that position. I was thinking YIKES! except if I was wearing a cast or something I''d be dammed if I was going on vacation and not get to swim. I didn''t say anthing about it at the time but I thought it was a shame what she thought other people would think would prevent her from doing something she enjoyed.

 

[fieryred33143]

I am a size 18 and I''ll be 100% honest with you. If my size 2 friend told me she wasn''t bikini ready, I''d give a huge side-eye. As a matter of fact when I was reading your post my first thought was 1) how does she know this woman is a size 18 or is it that the woman is big and to her a size 18 is the biggest size she knows and 2) how in the world is she not bikini ready?

That said, I wouldn''t worry about it. Just because you are thin that does not mean that you aren''t allowed to have an ideal image in your mind. People will ALWAYS be sensitive when it comes to weight, that''s just not something you can get around.

Your comment wasn''t all that bad. When I was trying on bridesmaid dresses with my ex-friend, she was handing me size 18 dresses all the while saying that if she were one of the brides that were there in a size 14 she would die and feel like a "hippo" on her wedding day. Trust me, there are worse things you can say to a person.

 

[lucyandroger]

Her reaction could have been about the weight/size discrepancy but it also could have been saying "Really, your SO just surprised you with a trip and your first thought is to complain about getting into a bikini?? We should all have such problems..."

Honestly, I think the comment was in bad taste for several reasons but what''s done is done. If you two are good friends, then you''ll move forward and probably forget this ever happened.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 1/3/2010 2:24:52 PM
Author: part gypsy
Mrs. Mitchell ditto. Years ago I remember talking to a past coworker who was complaining of the same thing, a vacation centered around beach and pool and not feeling ready for it. She was heavier than me but I always thought of her as very feminine and curvy. She said that she was wouldn''t even bring a bathing suit because she didn''t want to be put in that position. I was thinking YIKES! except if I was wearing a cast or something I''d be dammed if I was going on vacation and not get to swim. I didn''t say anthing about it at the time but I thought it was a shame what she thought other people would think would prevent her from doing something she enjoyed.

It''s weird, isn''t it? An all over body cast and I''d consider staying off the beach. Maybe. My body is fantastic. It''s never let me down, it produced my baby for me, it does everything I ask of it. Why would I care what it looks like? In a holiday resort with people I''ll never see again?

If the person the OP made the comment to cares about stuff like this, then I''ll guess she was offended. If she doesn''t, she was probably just amused.

 

[Elmorton]

I''m a plus-sized girl, and when a small friend says a comment like that, I think the following:

1) Hello, fish for a compliment much?
2) Wow, 10lbs really does look like a lot more on you than it does on me
3) Dear God, you''re vain. Who cares how you look in a bikini in front of your husband?
4) Who exactly are you trying to impress??

None of the above are thoughts about ME - they''re thoughts about the friend!! In other words, my guess isn''t that you insulted your co-worker (a bigger gal does not = low self esteem about her body! I''m pretty shocked by all those who seem to think that in their posts) - but rather, you made a little bit of a fool of yourself. I''d refrain from discussion about how you look in a bikini/how you look in general at work. It''s not flattering to discuss yourself in that way.

 

[Kelli]

Ugh. I''m definitely learning something from this thread. I tend to be a very harsh critic of my own body (never on others), since I was a dancer and am now a dance teacher. Other people probably think I''m fishing for compliments or being rude, because I do make a few too many comments about little amounts of unwanted weight on my body. I need to STOP!! So thank you ladies, you''ve just given me my new years resolution!

On to your situation NF, I wouldn''t worry about it. Obviously it wasn''t a personal attack, so move on and try to be more careful the next time around. Women really do make comments like that all the time, and I''m sure it''s never aimed at anyone but themselves. Have fun on your trip!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/3/2010 4:00:40 PM
Author: Elmorton
I''m a plus-sized girl, and when a small friend says a comment like that, I think the following:

1) Hello, fish for a compliment much?
2) Wow, 10lbs really does look like a lot more on you than it does on me
3) Dear God, you''re vain. Who cares how you look in a bikini in front of your husband?
4) Who exactly are you trying to impress??

None of the above are thoughts about ME - they''re thoughts about the friend!! In other words, my guess isn''t that you insulted your co-worker (a bigger gal does not = low self esteem about her body! I''m pretty shocked by all those who seem to think that in their posts) - but rather, you made a little bit of a fool of yourself. I''d refrain from discussion about how you look in a bikini/how you look in general at work. It''s not flattering to discuss yourself in that way.

W-O-R-D! Times ten. And, yes, people''s assumptions about the point I bolded -- shocking!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/3/2010 4:00:40 PM
Author: Elmorton
I''m a plus-sized girl, and when a small friend says a comment like that, I think the following:

1) Hello, fish for a compliment much?
2) Wow, 10lbs really does look like a lot more on you than it does on me
3) Dear God, you''re vain. Who cares how you look in a bikini in front of your husband?
4) Who exactly are you trying to impress??

None of the above are thoughts about ME - they''re thoughts about the friend!! In other words, my guess isn''t that you insulted your co-worker (a bigger gal does not = low self esteem about her body! I''m pretty shocked by all those who seem to think that in their posts) - but rather, you made a little bit of a fool of yourself. I''d refrain from discussion about how you look in a bikini/how you look in general at work. It''s not flattering to discuss yourself in that way.

Huh, if that''s what you think about your friends I''d hate to hear what you think about your enemies. As a non plus-sized girl, if a friend of mine complained about not being bikini ready I would probably just tell her I''m sure she''ll look fine or even commiserate. Most people aren''t typically in the best shape in the winter/around the holidays no matter what size they are.

Although the above thoughts aren''t about you it seems like they''re definitely colored by your personal experience as a plus-sized girl.

 

[kama_s]

As it has been with any topic on weight, the smaller women have a certain mindset and larger women have another. Which is why I personally never engage in talks about weight with anyone, even my close friends (save for one, she''s much smaller than me but we work out together and have set our own personal physical goals).

I''m on the bigger side, size 10/12 (and on most days I love my body). I''ve had several experiences when size 2/4 friends complain about their body to me. But I would think that''s because I feel confident in my own self - i.e. they don''t assume weight to be a sensitive topic with me. I believe NakedFinger''s friend is probably similar, and so NF didn''t think much about discussing her weight hang-ups with the friend. In anycase, I wouldn''t give the person a dirty look, I''d probably say something to the effect of:

Friend: My blah blah blah looks blah blah blah *groan*
Me: *guffaw* Well, if that''s how you feel about your blah blah, then mine is out of commission for good!
Friend: Oh no, your blah blah looks fantastic
Me: Then so must yours

 

[Steel]

You know those people who exclaim before a test that they didn''t study and are going to fail, only to come out with A''s.

If you are a slim lady and you mentioned about getting swim suit ready I would wonder if you weren''t just fishing for a compliment. And if I were significantly larger than you it could seem like an insult to me to feel obliged to compliment you saying ''oh no NF, you have a runway figure'' rather than ''well we all over indulge and I''m sure nobody else has noticed you can barely fit into your pants after the holidays''. If you think about it too much you could wonder why you mentioned it at all; were you compliment hunting or was it verbal diarrhoea to cover the possible perceived extravagance?

I would let it go; she probably has forgotten it.

And....start concentrating on that holiday. Have you been before? It must be so exciting.

Hope you have a great time.

 

[CNOS128]

Is it possible that the dirty look she gave you was not related to her weight or her feelings about weight (and you just assumed that it was weight-related, because she''s plus-sized)? I know that, personally, if I heard someone was going on a great vacation and I told them they must be excited, but their first response to me was to complain, I would think that was strange, and possibly in poor taste.

I don''t mean to make you feel worse, just putting another possibility out there.

 

[y2kitty]

Am I the only one who thought there are more is more than 1 way for your body to be ready for a bikini? As a pale person, I would think having a tan could be what you were talking about. I think the comment was not intended to be rude, but I refrain from making any comment about anyone''s body or weight at any time. Before Christmas, my coworker offered me candy and when I said no thank you, she said "Gained enough weight already?". I am a size 4, and she is......quite a bit larger than I. So it goes both ways.

 

[wsu12]

Date: 1/2/2010 6:31:06 PM
Author: MC

Date: 1/2/2010 6:25:19 PM

Author: Sizzle

skinny girl crazy, tell them to get a two piece and a biscuit and maybe they can think more clearly to realize they are scrawny and can run around nekkid if they want to!

Wow!


I''m a size two. Guess I better get my ''scrawning'' rear end down to Safeway and get a package of buscuits. . .

I''m also a size 0/2. I don''t think you were out of line, it was not something that you planned to say. Try not to feel responsible for the reactions that people have to things you say. I have a friend who is very heavy (100 lbs over weight) and I have said things to her about feeling guilty for skipping the gym, etc. She has never said anything patronizing to me about it because she knows how important being healthy, fit and active are to me.

Have fun on vacation! Sounds fab

 

[Sabine]

To be honest, I probably would have given you a dirty look too, but then quickly forgotten the comment and wouldn''t think to hold it against you. I''d just try to avoid making weight comments around her in the future.

 

[NakedFinger]

Ugh, god ok I will save the knee jerk reaction I had to recent posts.

I am not fishing for compliments.....never have, never do. So please spare me the insult of being that narcissistic. Like some posters have said, there are some women who are a size 20 and think they are the hottest piece of @$$ to walk the earth. (And god bless them for it. I think all women should feel confident and sexy.) Others that are a size 0 or have bodies many would kill for, that have something about them they dont like (hence the overwhelming amount of eating disorders). Everyone has their own self perception. A girl fining for a boob job could be told by every guy she knows that her boobs are great, wouldnt change the fact that she has it in her head that she needs them. Catch my drift? I wont and dont assume any heavy women has low self esteem (which is why, at the moment it didnt occur to me to not reference my size to this particular friend. Only reason I thought she had a problem with it is because the look she gave me)

I dont think I am fat, dont have "hang ups" about my body. It was a thought I blurted out for the simple fact it occurred to me when I got the gift how bad I had been the last few months with the holidays, and needed to be cognizant of the fact that in one short month I would be walking around the beach half naked. Could I put on a bathing suit tomorrow and be fine? Yes. But as mentioned before, I have my own "personal preference" with being beach ready. And its not just my body, its waxing, and tanning, whatever else I personally like to have done before a vacation.

and 1) I dont fish for compliments. I get enough from the man I love, could care less about what a friend thinks.
2) True, it does. Maybe that's why we do hear so many 2-4-6 girls complain about "5 lbs", because to them its more of an impact.
3) Im not vain. And my man would love me no matter what, but of course I care what he thins. I dont need to impress him, but hope to every day the way he never ceases to impress me (and I am NOT referring to looks) but just because some people let themselves go once they get married or saying "who cares what your husband thinks" does not mean I have to thank you.
4) Im not trying to "impress" anyone actually. I do it for myself and being healthy and feeling confident and sexy for myself.

Thanks to all of you for your impartial opinions and not imposing your personal vendettas on a simple question. It was question as to whether I was insulting, I dont need a debate on body image and how one should or should not feel. I didnt mean for this to turn into any controversy, was just feeling bad about it and wanted to know if it was in my head.

And to add....I talked to my friend at work who informed she in no way took it as an insult on her body, but more of a crooked eye implying "Please, you look fine babe!".