Is it tacky to ask for cash instead of wedding gifts in the wedding invite?

[Yimmers]

My husband received a wedding invite from his friend requesting cash. EXTREMELY TACKY. Mind you, she was either born in the US or has been living here for a long time. And, she''s our age (30''s). I really couldn''t believe the tackiness of it.

We ended up giving a gift card to Crate and Barrel or something along those lines. My husband agreed with me that he wasn''t going to give cash as a gift.

Mind you, a lot of the "old school" generation didn''t really grow up with "registries" so giving cash is the norm and the expected. Believe me, my mom would rather give cash then try to go and figure out how to buy from a gift registry, lol. Your friend shouldn''t be worried about not getting cash - I''m sure she will be receiving it!

 

[Kaleigh]

Yeah it''s tacky.

 

[Black Jade]

Got to give up the red envelope idea for the American guests. They definitely will not understand and will resent it. Especially if you do the Chinese thing where there is the big ledger, the amount is counted out and marked down for all to see and so forth and so on (at least, that''s the way I saw it at Chinese weddings in Taiwan about 30 years ago).

The best you can do without being ''tacky'' here is to tell the parents to let people know who ask what to give, that a check would be appreciated.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 5/5/2010 6:56:47 PM
Author: Black Jade
Got to give up the red envelope idea for the American guests. They definitely will not understand and will resent it. Especially if you do the Chinese thing where there is the big ledger, the amount is counted out and marked down for all to see and so forth and so on (at least, that''s the way I saw it at Chinese weddings in Taiwan about 30 years ago).


The best you can do without being ''tacky'' here is to tell the parents to let people know who ask what to give, that a check would be appreciated.

BJ -- I wanted to highlight the last sentence but GC won''t let me. What you suggested is the same thing as what we''re saying is wrong. Asking for cash or a check -- it doesn''t matter. It''s rude, no matter what form the currency is in. If people want to gift others money, that''s up to them, but there''s no polite way to ask for money as a wedding gift.

 

[Sizzle]

I guess Im a little different. American born and raised, but I could care less if someone "registered" for cash. Easy gift choice for me.. Now if they registered for a certain denomination of money, Id see some problems.

 

[elle_chris]

I agree that in the U.S. it''s considered tacky. But I''ve also grown up here, and maybe it''s the northeast, or just nyc thing, but we usually give cash at weddings. So if I saw it on an invite, I probably wouldn''t think twice.

 

[zhuzhu]

My take home after reading all of the replies here is that the rude part is the "asking", not the "getting cash". I can imagine how she thought it would be appropriate as the traditional gift registry holds the same idea of "asking for something". She prob thought it is no different to just give them a envelope and explain that this is better than registry.

Innocent thought but definitely a bad idea.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

yes.

 

[blackberry16]

It is tacky to ask for any kind of gift especially money. Martha (Stewart) says that it is tacky to include registries in the wedding invite. It should be circulated by word of mouth only.

 

[kelpie]

That is really crass. I just received an invitation that had the registry info on it and I thought that was a big faux pas.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/5/2010 8:37:34 AM
Author: Laila619
Definitely an etiquette no no! You''re not supposed to mention gifts anywhere on an invite. I read that you''re not even supposed to write, ''No gifts please.''

It''s very common at American weddings for people to give cash + card to the bride and groom, so she may be pleasantly surprised (though I doubt they''ll be in the red envelope).

hmm...didn''t know that was common for Americans.

 

[steph72276]

Yep....tacky is putting it nicely! Has this girl never been to weddings here in the US?

 

[PumpkinPie]

in a word, yes.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/5/2010 7:00:26 PM
Author: Zoe

Date: 5/5/2010 6:56:47 PM
Author: Black Jade
Got to give up the red envelope idea for the American guests. They definitely will not understand and will resent it. Especially if you do the Chinese thing where there is the big ledger, the amount is counted out and marked down for all to see and so forth and so on (at least, that''s the way I saw it at Chinese weddings in Taiwan about 30 years ago).


The best you can do without being ''tacky'' here is to tell the parents to let people know who ask what to give, that a check would be appreciated.

BJ -- I wanted to highlight the last sentence but GC won''t let me. What you suggested is the same thing as what we''re saying is wrong. Asking for cash or a check -- it doesn''t matter. It''s rude, no matter what form the currency is in. If people want to gift others money, that''s up to them, but there''s no polite way to ask for money as a wedding gift.

how about Emailing the guests a link to BGD?

 

[cara]

DF in some regions of the country cash or check is much more common and expected as a wedding gift...

zoe, the diff between what blackjade proposes and what the tacky bride proposes is significant. If someone *asks* the bride, groom, or their immediate family what they want, then they can be told discreetly that they would prefer $ over material goods or china or something. That is also the standard way of telling people where you are registered if you want registry gifts. But that info should NOT be included in the invite. The idea being that the wedding is a hosted affair, not a fee-for-admission event. Putting the ''fee'' (red envelope or registry info) in the invite makes it look like an event you have to pay to attend.

Zhuzhu- hope its clear from the posts that this would be perceived as superrude to the average american. I would tell the bride that this is not a cultural tradition that one can politely teach or expect all Americans to follow - its not her place and it would definitely come off bad. This is not like asking people to cover their shoulders in church or take off their shoes in a temple or something. This is demanding money of people to attend an event and just doesn''t come off well - especially when the easiest way to solve this ''problem'' is for the bride to have different expectations of her American guests and not just want to milk money out of them under the guise of getting them to follow a chinese tradition. If she would prefer money as a wedding gift she should just not register anywhere and have the groom tell his immediate family members that they have not registered anywhere and in Chinese weddings cash is the traditional gift. Then if anyone asks the FMIL, etc. they can be told in the American way what the bridal couple''s preference is. But they will still probably receive some non-cash gifts, for which they should give appropriate thanks.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 5/4/2010 11:40:20 PM
Author: IndyLady
It is tacky.

Since its a tradition, her Chinese guests will most likely give cash in a red envelope. Isn''t that enough?

I understand the importance of tradition, but not with it has to with gift expectations.

I also come from a culture where cash is traditionally given, whereas DH does not. For wedding gifts, all the people on my side gave us cash, and his side gave us traditional gifts. We still got plenty of cash.

I think it''s very tacky to request cash, though. She should just let people give what they traditionally would give.

 

[Black Jade]

I wouldn''t label the poor girl ''the tacky bride''. She''s just unaware of what''s acceptable in the US, but hopefully amenable to behaving differently once it''s explained that its a big faux pas.
Cross-cultural is hard. I have one friend whose whole family very near got arrested once for going to a cemetery in Queens and expecting to be able to burn paper money, and those other paper things on Grandma''s grave. New York police thought they were pyromaniacs, didn''t understand they were just Chinese performing an act of respect to their ancestors.
They will keep having these differences in expectations of what to do (gets really bad after birth of kids, different expectations really show up then), perhaps this one is a good road test of how they will manage it. It can all be worked out, with good will. I was visiting a friend about a month ago, Chinese married to an Italian American now for about 20 years, they still both tend to think that the other one has a completely crazy family but they do great together as a couple. I wish this particular couple well.

I hope the bride intends to incorporate some of the other Chinese customs into the wedding-I like the one where they change dresses several times, one gorgeous qipao after another being displayed. (Although I guess that is expensive). and the wedding banquet food is great!

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/5/2010 7:00:26 PM
Author: Zoe

Date: 5/5/2010 6:56:47 PM
Author: Black Jade
Got to give up the red envelope idea for the American guests. They definitely will not understand and will resent it. Especially if you do the Chinese thing where there is the big ledger, the amount is counted out and marked down for all to see and so forth and so on (at least, that's the way I saw it at Chinese weddings in Taiwan about 30 years ago).

The best you can do without being 'tacky' here is to tell the parents to let people know who ask what to give, that a check would be appreciated.

BJ -- I wanted to highlight the last sentence but GC won't let me. What you suggested is the same thing as what we're saying is wrong. Asking for cash or a check -- it doesn't matter. It's rude, no matter what form the currency is in. If people want to gift others money, that's up to them, but there's no polite way to ask for money as a wedding gift.

I think what BJ means is that if people *ask* what the couple would like, *then* they can be told that the couple prefers cash. This is totally acceptable, and truly the *only* proper way of telling anyone what gift you or the couple would prefer. The difference is between *telling* people what type of gift you'd like, and *responding* to your guests' inquiry about what type of gift you'd like.

It's rude to put registry or preferred gift information anywhere, in my opinion--on invites, wedding websites, inserts in the invitation, etc. If your guests don't *ask* you what type of gift you'd prefer, don't *tell* them.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/5/2010 11:03:47 PM
Author: Haven

I think what BJ means is that if people *ask* what the couple would like, *then* they can be told that the couple prefers cash. This is totally acceptable, and truly the *only* proper way of telling anyone what gift you or the couple would prefer. The difference is between *telling* people what type of gift you''d like, and *responding* to your guests'' inquiry about what type of gift you''d like.

It''s rude to put registry or preferred gift information anywhere, in my opinion--on invites, wedding websites, inserts in the invitation, etc. If your guests don''t *ask* you what type of gift you''d prefer, don''t *tell* them.

in Franklins only.

 

[kenny]

Good thing we can't get married.
I'd be asking for cash, real estate, diamonds, Ferraris ...

 

[qtiekiki]

Tacky. If your friend lives in an area with a fair amount of Chinese, your friend will be surprised how much people do know about the traditions of giving cash as gift. Most of our American guests gave us cash, and some of them mentioned to DH before the wedding that they will give cash gifts because they know that''s the traditions.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 5/4/2010 11:26:42 PM
Author:zhuzhu
A friend of my friend is a Chinese bride-to-be. She is marrying a non-Chinese American but wants her wedding party guests to adhere to her hometown wedding tradition - giving cash gift in ''red envelope'' instead of wedding gifts. Since American guests prob have no idea that that is, she is thinking of writing out her request in the actually wedding invitation, so her guests know ''what they expect''.

My personal opinion is that it is rather tacky to do so. How common is it for American bride-to-be to ask for cash gift directly in the wedding invitation? Do you also find it a bit too ''direct''?

It is very rude to, first of all, assume you are even getting a gift (gifts are not a requirement) and secondly to ask for something specific. The non-Chinese American guests are giving the couple a wedding gift and have no reason to adhere to the Chinese tradition any more than the Chinese guests should adhere to an American tradition. The gift isn''t just for the bride. It''s for the couple.

 

[Natylad]

Date: 5/6/2010 2:49:07 AM
Author: kenny
Good thing we can''t get married.
I''d be asking for cash, real estate, diamonds, Ferraris ...

He, he, he

I''d like to ask for the exact same things Kenny

Instead, we didn''t ask for anything, didn''t register anywhere and in general we didn''t make any comment whatsoever about gifts...

 

[zoebartlett]

Cara and Haven - thanks for clearing up Black Jade''s post. I misunderstood.
Black Jade -- I apologize.

 

[marcy]

Yes, I would say it is tacky.

 

[anitabee]

etiquette dictates SUPER TACKY! fwiw, i''m from canada (just responding to a couple of previous canucks) and i''ve never seen or heard of "presentation" on the invites. that would be a very rude thing to include on the invite. where i''m orig from (southwestern ontario) it''s customary to give money as a gift. kind of an assumption that money''s what you''ll give and get.

just as bad, as another poster mentioned,... registry info included with the invite!! oh, the horror!

 

[CharmyPoo]

I have been to a lot of weddings and I have ALWAYS given cash. The only one exception was to a close friend where we gave her a Dyson Vaccum (something they really wanted).

I really hope I don''t get gifts because there is nothing I want - we own a home and have everything we possibly want. Ths trend is getting more popular too .. people are buying homes and living together before marriage. Thus, anything extra will probably end up being stored or re-gifted or donated to charity. I wouldn''t even know what to select on a gift registry .. I would just pick a place that has a wide range of stuff so I can return items and get a credit.

I guess for me .. I wouldn''t care at all if people say they wanted cash. Perhaps, the ones that get offended are the ones that want to spend less. I personally don''t find it tacky but I am sure others may.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I was a Chinese bride, marrying an American. I certainly did NOT request cash, nor was there any mention of presents/registry on the invitation! Occasionally his family would ask about chinese wedding traditions, and I''d tell them (and for the record, cash is not the ONLY traditional wedding gift to my knowledge), but make it perfectly clear that I wasn''t expecting it to be followed.

I think not having a registry speaks for itself, I think most people will realize it means "cash please". My friends are getting married this summer and have no registry to be found anywhere. Those that have asked about a registry, they just say that they live in a tiny apt and have all they need, but if the guest wants to bring a present, they are currently saving up for a house at the moment. It''s all word of mouth stuff, nothing formal, and it''s certainly clear that money is not expected.

Ironically enough, I was very careful to follow American wedding etiquette so as not to alienate his family. Turned out they weren''t that familiar with it themselves, and there were all sorts of wedding drama. Oy.

 

[bee*]

Yep I think it''s tacky. I always give cash as a gift when I attend weddings as it''s the norm over here but to be asked for it is beyond rude.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh my God, incredibly tacky and very forward.

It''s all well and good that she wants to adhere to her traditions and customs...but seeing as how the other side of the coin is American, she has to counterbalance that with our traditions and customs.

I