How do you get over a break up?

[princesss]

BF and I broke up on Sunday. He moved out last night. He got the rest of his stuff today while I was at work. I go home in half an hour to an empty house and it's only really just hitting me what happened.

So far I'm looking for a new apartment, redecorating a little bit, and going out with friends and staying busy. Tonight's the first night I'll be spending all night at the house by myself. All of my friends are busy, and this had to happen at some point. I have a feeling I'm going to have a really big cry, but I don't know what's going to happen after that. I just feel kind of numb. It was my choice (and the right choice), but that doesn't mean it's easy to change my life so completely or say goodbye to somebody I care about.

So what do you/did you do to get over break ups? Especially if you were the dumper... For obvious reasons, most people focus on how it feels to be dumped, but this side of things isn't exactly sunshine and puppies, either.

Also, if you have any good songs for a break-up/I'm single for the first time in my adult life playlists, they'd be very welcome.

 

[zoebartlett]

Oh P, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've dumped someone before and it hurts a lot to walk away, even if you know it's the right decision. I tried to do what you mentioned: keep busy and allow myself to have a few good cries. I wish I had an easier answer for you. If you still have my #, feel free to give me a call any time if you'd like to chat.

 

[Steel]

Beyonce: irreplacable. Love it!
Miley Cyrus (I know, I know) : Can't be tamed

If I recall, this was in the works; just a matter of time when you guys split. But I am still sorry. It must be upsetting.

You know how to get over a relationship - it is just time. And that is one of the many things you cannot force or buy.

But you can buy new sheets or a new bed, new crockery and towels. Change the things that are cheap and replaceable; they will be all yours.

And realise that you WILL turn to a stranger when you go out shopping to ask their opinion, thinking they are your ex. Just laugh it off. And remember that time is passing all the while, right now time is passing.

Happy single day!

 

[princesss]

Beyonce: irreplacable. Love it!
Miley Cyrus (I know, I know) : Can't be tamed

If I recall, this was in the works; just a matter of time when you guys split. But I am still sorry. It must be upsetting.

You know how to get over a relationship - it is just time. And that is one of the many things you cannot force or buy.

But you can buy new sheets or a new bed, new crockery and towels. Change the things that are cheap and replaceable; they will be all yours.

And realise that you WILL turn to a stranger when you go out shopping to ask their opinion, thinking they are your ex. Just laugh it off. And remember that time is passing all the while, right now time is passing.

Happy single day!

Thank you, Steal. You're right - whether or not I admitted it to myself, this has been in the works for several months. I only just was able to pinpoint what had to happen.

I've got a new bed already, and am getting a new duvet. I'm adding those songs to my playlist (that is now two sticky notes long).

As for the bolded - that really struck a chord with me. I tend to think of time passing as a big chunk of time, and forget that each moment that passes is time passing and helping to heal. This is going to take a long time, and I'm sure I'll make some mistakes along the way, but I'll get through it. It's just weird to go from thinking you'll get married to somebody to suddenly not seeing them. I know that limited contact is best (it can't be no contact, as we are in the same activities and neither of us will give that up), but it's weird. He was my best friend as much as my boyfriend, and it's weird to think that I won't see him.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think you have to feel the feelings. It is sad. M was a wonderful guy but not the right guy for you. You have spent a big chunk of your life together so I would be concerned if this were easy for you. Usually the *right* decision is the hardest one to make. I know you have spent a great deal of time weighing all of your options. Trust yourself. Trust your decision. Trust that you CANNOT and WILL NOT change someone. If you cannot accept him for who he is today, you are wasting both of your time. Time heals all wounds. Journal. Cry. Watch movies. Read. Talk to friends. Cry some more. Grieve the loss of this man who has been so important in your life. Then dust yourself off and move on.

I can always send T over. She will cheer you up!

ETA: I am around all weekend if you want/need to talk.

 

[Steel]

I've been a-googling!

ETA: I saw your reply when I hit submit for this. I'm glad you found some comfort in my post. We have all done the break up thing. With one of my ex's I really felt my heart and throat had been torn out. Every time I woke up I was devastated to realise it was all over. I never thought it would get better but it did. Over time. I felt sad too that I would have to cut off that level of contact and intimacy but you do. Because it isn't right, Not because you want to. There will be more men but there is only one you. So make sure you take care of yourself honey.

Here is what I was posting: Some tunes to pass the time. Every song is about 3-5 mins .

Enjoy!

Return of the Mac- Mark Morrison

Oh, oo-o-oh, come on, ooh, yeah
Well I tried to tell you so (yes, I did)
But I guess you didn't know, as I said the story goes
Baby, now I got the flow
'Cos I knew it from the start
Baby, when you broke my heart
That I had to come again, and show you that I'm real

(You lied to me) all those times I said that I love you
(You lied to me) yes, I tried, yes, I tried
(You lied to me) even though you know I'd die for you
(You lied to me) yes, I cried, yes, I cried

1-(Return of the Mack) it is
(Return of the Mack) come on
(Return of the Mack) oh my God
(You know that I'll be back) here I am
(Return of the Mack) once again
(Return of the Mack) pump up the world
(Return of the Mack) watch my flow
(You know that I'll be back) here I go

So I'm back up in the game
Running things to keep my swing
Letting all the people know
That I'm back to run the show
'Cos what you did, you know, was wrong
And all the nasty things you've done
So, baby, listen carefully
While I sing my come-back song

2-(You lied to me) 'cos she said she'd never turn on me
(You lied to me) but you did, but you do
(You lied to me) all these pains you said I'd never feel
(You lied to me) but I do, but I do, do, do

(Return of the Mack) here it is
(Return of the Mack) hold on
(Return of the Mack) don't you know
(You know that I'll be back) here I go
(Return of the Mack) oh little girl
(Return of the Mack) wants my pearl
(Return of the Mack) up and down
(You know that I'll be back) round and round
(rpt 2, 1)

(You know that I'll be back) don't you know

(Return of the Mack) here it is
(Return of the Mack) hold on
(Return of the Mack) be strong
(You know that I'll be back) here I go
(Return of the Mack) my little girl
(Return of the Mack) wants my pearl
(Return of the Mack) up and down
(You know that I'll be back) round and round

 

[Steel]

Bonnie Tyler - I Need A Hero lyrics

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night toss and turn and dream of what I need

Chorus:
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

Chorus

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood

Chorus

 

[jas]

Hugs to you. Heed these wise women and the woman you are. Let yourself cry...comfort yourself...you know what guilty pleasures you need right now, be they chocolate, bubble baths, chick flicks, target practice, or cuddling with a pet. Do it.

I read somewhere that the best way to improve a mood is to listen to music that *matches* the mood you're in. If you're sad, play sad songs. Angry? Angry ones.

I tend to agree.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Aww. Big hug from me to you, Princesss.

There are a million and one ways to help get over a break-up and you've received and will receive a bunch more. One thing I did on nights when I was alone was rent a FUNNY movie (preferably one without much/any romance), get in my comfiest pjs and chillax with my favorite comfort food. Old School, Ben & Jerry's and frozen Stouffer's mac & cheese helped get me through a really tough break-up when I was in college.

Also, and I suggest this EVERY TIME there's a break-up on PS, you should read "It's Called a Break-Up because it's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. Oh, if I could make love to that book I would. His humor is what helps so much. He makes you feel strong about your decision to move on and he does it while making you laugh.

Thinking about you.

 

[Callisto]

Aw breakups suck, and definitely for both sides, not just the dumpee. I don't have great advice besides just let yourself feel whatever you are feeling, surround yourself with good people (whether in person or online), and remember that you are worthy of great things in your life.

Oh and a big bar of chocolate always helps me too.

 

[delia5930]

The Reason Why by Rachael Yamagata - This is such as heartbreakingly beautiful song. When my last bf and I broke up I listened to it on repeat. Feel better!

 

[charbie]

Sorry, princesss!!!
Hmmm, I like to do a few things. Obviously go out with friends, but also do some things that I *might* not have done while coupled. One time it was that my boyfriend "loved" my blonde hair. Well, I cut it short, dyed it brown, and felt flirty and sexy. That also helped me think..."gee, he liked my hair blonde. Since he doesn't like it brunette, he won't like me now, sucks to be him!" So reduced my moments of weakness.

I also like watching funny movies, but also some about a new love (50 first dates is great!) To restore faith you'll find someone.

Drink champagne to celebrate YOU!

Eat some ice cream right out of the container and celebrate YOU!

 

[kittybean]

Being with my family used to always help me get through a break-up. When there was that much turmoil in my life, I felt comforted by being around the people who love me unconditionally and permanently.

I'd also suggest "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." I think reading it (repeatedly!) helps you keep reminding yourself of the reasons why you are no longer together, and that helps the empty, why-is-this-happening-to-me feeling subside a little.

Reconnect with friends you haven't seen in a while.

Once you've settled into your new place, have friends and family over to create happy memories there and make it feel like a real home.

Plan to do everyday stuff with friends. Go to the grocery store together. Exercise together. I think it's often loneliest when you have to suddenly do your everyday routine completely by yourself.

Give yourself time to get over it. It can be frustrating when you don't feel "normal" for a while . . . but that's, well, normal. I'll be thinking about you! If I were closer, I'd bring you wine and a funny movie and bake cookies with you. Cookies always help.

 

[MissMina]

Nurse Mina prescribes tincture of time.
This song has helped many people through many breakups since the 60s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVkOXdfpvas

 

[somethingshiny]

I don't have any advice for you on moving on, but wanted to give (((hugs))) to you, Princesss.

And, you know country music is full of breakup songs, pissed off songs, and moving on songs. Just flip on the radio and you'll hear something appropriate!

Kerosene-Miranda Lambert
She's Gonna Make It- Garth Brooks
Can't Do It Today- Gary Allan
Better Things To Do-Terri Clark
Broken Heartsville-Joe Nichols
Picture To Burn-Taylor Swift
Strange-Reba McEntire
She Let Herself Go-George Strait

 

[Luckyeshe]

I'm sorry to hear this, Princess. But know that we're here for you and here's a ***HUG*** from me! As for advice, you'll go through the emotions, being sad first, and then maybe angry depending on what happened, and then as time goes by you'll feel more and more ok. And while all these emotions are going through you, life will go on and one day you're over it. Good luck, P!

 

[kenny]

Time.

 

[ksinger]

So sorry to hear of your breakup Princess. And yes, it hurts even when you are the instigator.

Wall of Silence by The October Project

I've seen that life
Touches us with pain
And we change
Becoming strangers to our friends
Tell me what happens along the way

I thought of us
Hard to talk these days
Did we change
Or were we strangers all along
Tell me what caused us to turn away

(Chorus)
There's a wall of silence
Miles across
A wall between us
Holding back
Holding back our loss

I moved ahead
Thinking you'd be there
But it changed
And now we're strangers
To our past
How did I lose you
along the way

(Chorus)

I've seen that life
Touches us with pain
And we change
Becoming strangers to our ourselves
Tell me what happens along the way

 

[Indylady]

Big jumps by Emilíana Torrini.

Its a bit of a love song, but the lines that inspire me are:

"oh make some big jumps, big jumps you afraid to break some bones
come on make some big jumps, big jumps life is your saulte
you hold your head up, your head up high like you think i do.."

I am really sorry to hear this Princesss. I'm sending lots of positive, happy, revitalizing dust your way. This may sound weird, but rock bottom (not saying you are, just using myself as an example!) makes me feel empowered. There's no where to go but up, right?

Its going to be hard, but you'll make it though. Be proud of yourself for taking the hard path, and look forward to celebrating yourself. Please let me/us know if you need anything at all.

 

[yssie]

I'm sorry, princess

::HUGS!::

It's never easy, no matter which 'side' you're on. But time, time really does heal all.. just give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, those feelings need to come out to heal.

 

[lyra]

Good for you in following through with a difficult decision. Do what feels right to you, either be around people or be alone. Organize something--a closet, a drawer, your kitchen, photos, anything that you've put off doing. It'll give you a sense of accomplishment, and take up some time.

 

[Nashville]

Doing volunteer work. Keeps you busy, keeps you focused, and keeps you from wallowing in self pity. Also you feel like you're racking up some karma points.

Mind you, a little self pity is ok. You've earned it.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Princess, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a very tough thing to go through, especially when you're the dumper and despite knowing it's the right decision, it can be hard to keep the guilt at bay.

First of all, I think buying some brand new awesome bedding is a good first step, so you get a big check in that box.

You always read to stay busy, lean on friends and family and let yourself grieve and that is all good advice, but I think it really helps to find something that really lifts your own spirit. When I left my now-DH, I didn't want my sadness to creep into every facet of my life, so I set aside an hour a day for several weeks to take a bubble bath, eat ice cream, listen to music and cry. That was my own little therapy session.

I think you're really going to embrace having your own place without having to worry about anybody or anything else but yourself. There will be moments when you miss him, but I think that down the road when you look back at this time in your life, you will be reminded of the empowerment you felt to do what you knew was right.

 

[Tuckins1]

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this hun, it's no fun. (Even when it's the right thing) Maybe find a good book that's lighthearted, or a good thriller... something that you can get lost in but doesn't require too much thinking. Do you like Dean Koontz? I just picked up Relentless. It's a quick read and sucks you in. Might kill some time...

 

[steph72276]

Allow yourself sometime to grieve over the relationship. Rent a few sappy chick flicks and get lots of crying out. Eat some comfort food. Stay in your sweats all weekend. But when that's over, get yourself dressed and looking good, and have a night out with your girlfriends. Buy yourself a new dress or jeans that will make you feel like a million bucks. And personally I always found it was a great time for a new hair do - a fresh start. Big hugs.

 

[Circe]

I'm a wallower. I like to get it all out of my system. So, for example, when I dumped a dude I was still sort of in love with when I realized it just wasn't going to work out between us long-term? I WALLOWED. I spent a month listening to the last songs we'd listened to together, and then to the replacements my best friend suggested (btw, "Coin-Operated Boy," "The Jeep Song," and anything else by the Dresden Dolls rock for this). I made a necklace with a skull and cross-bones etched on one side, and the Latin phrase "Viri sunt viri" on the other. It means "Men are slime," and I passed the necklace on to my next girlfriend to be heartbroken, under the condition that she only keep it until she was done grieving, and then pass it on to her next heartbroken friend. I ate lots of chocolate, and drank lots of red wine, and got maudlin, and wrote in my journal, and went out on two bad dates with a rebound dude who actually turned out to be a nice guy, if not The One.

And then, two months later, I was ready to fall madly in love with the self-same best friend who'd recommended the break-up songs to me, and to get engaged three months after that. Glad I got it all out of my system.

Take things at your own pace, but my advice is, go easy on yourself; indulge yourself. Treat yourself with all of the gentleness and care you'd give the person you love best in the world, because all too often, the ones we're hardest on are ourselves.

P.S. - I'd vote against massive hair changes. Every one I've made in the heat of the moment, I've wound up regretting, though, obvs, YMMV.

 

[panda08]

*HUGS* and more *HUGS*

"This too, shall pass." It's something a good friend of mine told me after my then-long time BF broke up with me right before the bar exam (by email, no less!). I reminded myself of that advice every time I felt like my world was caving in on me. You know what else helped? Changing my perspective. During that time, I read "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama. There's a chapter about transforming suffering... how to face it, find meaning in it and to cope with it. One of the suggestions was to change your perspective, by not focusing too intently on your personal suffering, to pull back and look at it from a distance and compare it other similar or worse experiences. That way, your own suffering will appear smaller and less overwhelming.

I second the suggestion to play whatever song fits your mood. Here's an oldie but goodie...

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on...

"I will survive", Gloria Gaynor.

 

[fieryred33143]

Oh princess, I'm so sorry I know it was your choice but as you said, it doesn't make it any easier.

I say let yourself cry, go through the emotions, fill your evenings with friends and family. Big hugs!

 

[IdLikeToBuyAVal]

I went through a really bad breakup several years ago and it was SUCH a blessing in disguise! It gave me time to work on me...to gain the confidence to know that I love myself for who I am, and if someone else doesn't love me the way I am, so be it.

I was in college at the time so I redirected a lot of my time and attention into my classes. I worked full time too and I poured more effort into going above and beyond for my customers, and as a result, got a great new job and some very good experience that helped me out immensely when I relocated and started my first real accounting job.

After the first months of the single life, I felt better and more like myself than I had in years. I figured out that I am self-reliant. I can take care of myself and make decisions for myself and my own expectations are the important ones - not anyone else's. My life is what I make of it and I can set goals and meet them and the world is my oyster. That attitude has helped me more in life than I ever could have known at that time. Help yourself find a new hobby, a new skill, take a class, help someone or something less fortunate, or volunteer at the animal shelter. Do something positive that's worthy of your time and attention.

When I was a teenager I was very depressed and one especially dark day I was crying in my bed feeling sorry for myself and my mom slipped into my room, didn't say a word and put a post-it on my nightstand. She had written "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present." Nothing else. I still have that post-it. It helped a little at the time and helps more now that I'm not an angsty teenager and I stopped feeling sorry for myself...

You will get through it and you will be stronger for it.

 

[Arkteia]

These two are real Abba (not the movie) - they are not quite your situation, but work great for me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIKAe8Wi0S0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuJl1T-trLw

I'd also delete all photographs of you two together from your Facebook and maybe erase them from your computer (optional). It is really sad to look at photographs after a breakup...