Having a child for yourself?

[Arkteia]

I remember talking to an office manager shortly after I moved to this country. She looked young but that day she was very, very much frustrated. Apparently, she just broke with her boyfriend with whom she had lived for 6 years and felt that she was alone, unmarried and her biological clock was ticking...

I asked her (actually, advised, I was so naive + a different culture where people advise a lot...) if she ever thought having a child for herself? She looked at me wide-eyed and said she "was not that type" or "not so desperate". She also asked me how could I think so lowly of her.

In my culture, it is perfectly appropriate for a woman to have a child for herself if she has not found a proper guy. These women are never disrespected, in fact, no one asks them a question and people try to quietly help.

Here, many people I know somehow equate having kids out-of-wedlock as "prerogative" of low-income women who want to get on state support. I have seen it several times - a nice, well-educated woman who gets pregnant, is debating whether she should keep or leave the baby, and her first question is, "how would I explain it to my friends or coworkers?"

What do you think of it? Personally, I would totally embrace a woman who does the most unselfish things - brings a child into this world. But maybe there is something I still can not grasp?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Where are you from?

I don''t think there was anything wrong and would never judge a woman who decided to have a child by herself. Not sure I am brave enough to, not because I care what people think, but because raising a kid is TOUGH.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I don''t see why it''s any big deal. Same should apply whether it''s a single woman or a couple: able to care for the child both finacially and emotionally.

 

[Arkteia]

I come from Russia, and the attitude may have been shaped by post-war time since there were so many single women left. Now, of course, it is at least the third postwar generation, but cultural attitudes have been shaped by that period, no doubt.

 

[movie zombie]

i don''t have a problem with it.....except if the woman gets pregnant because she planned it and wanted to and then sticks the guy with child support. i had a friend that did this and i don''t think its right. yes, i think guys need to be responsible for their actions but in this case she was 40 and wanted a child. she deliberately got pregnant because she wanted a child....or so she said. then she found out he was a spoiled brat who was playing the field and she stuck him with a paternity suit which she won.

mz

 

[fieryred33143]

Perhaps it is a cultural difference but I find it very intrusive to suggest to a woman to have a baby (or not to have a baby). Seems like a very strange conversation to have.

As for what I think...

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My best friend''s mom knew she was not going to find mister right and that she wanted a child. She had him and raised him herself. They didn''t have money, But I have known a lot of kids from 2 parent homes that were well off that were far less taken care of then he was.

I think there is an important difference between deciding you want a child and doing it while prepared and getting knocked up, which is where I think most of the negativity is born. According to health and human services, 1/2 of all pregnancies in the US are unexpected

, so anyone who plans and does it right, even by themselves, is a step up.

 

[fieryred33143]

Does what right, BIH? What is "right"? I would think that "right" would be the whole marriage then baby so I''m not seeing how this would be a step up. A step up from what?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 6/27/2010 12:24:02 AM
Author: fiery
Does what right, BIH? What is ''right''? I would think that ''right'' would be the whole marriage then baby so I''m not seeing how this would be a step up. A step up from what?

Right is doing the best you can and caring about the child above all else. My best friend''s mom sometimes didn''t have enough money to pay for them to have phone service because every penny went to send him to private school. She would do anything for him, supports him in everything he does and will always be there for him.

Wrong is when you don''t care. For example, my friend Anne''s mother is a politician and her father is an important local lawyer. Neither of them care about her, they just through money at her. Her mother didn''t have time for her when I knew her in high school and basically disowned her when she came out as a lesbian. She actually begged her parents to send her to boarding school, but her mom wouldn''t because it might make her look bad in the public. She found out about her father''s second marriage when he called her from the airport letting her know he was taking off with his girlfriend to get married right then, she was 17. I know a number of families like this too.

If I had to choose, I would go with the single mom. I know a lot of couples who had kids and were not married who are still together and happy and a lot who did it "right" buy getting married and having kids, only to have divorces. With half of marriages ending that way, I don''t think being married as a criteria for being a fit parent is reasonable at all.

 

[HVVS]

Date: 6/26/2010 11:57:52 PM
Author: fiery
Perhaps it is a cultural difference but I find it very intrusive to suggest to a woman to have a baby (or not to have a baby). Seems like a very strange conversation to have.

As for what I think...

This topic's been around since at least the '80s, when the Murphy Brown TV show tackled it. Fact is: Women are not fertile forever. You have the best chance of conceiving and the best chance of pregnancy not adversely affecting you health, if you are in your 20s. The way men are, and the way the job situation is for many folks, I see fewer not more marriages and traditional 2-parent couples. Once you leave college, you have a much harder time meeting suitable single males to marry. Many men leave college with a FI in tow and they marry soon after they graduate and get job(s). You meet a lot od marrieds in the workplace. So, if you are female, and over 30, your chances of finding a husband might actually be NONE in some small towns and rural locations. So, if you have the means to provide for and raise a child yourself, then why not. After all, there are multitudes of teens and early-20-something single moms married to the welfare system.

edit: Well ,Murphy Brown show tackled it in the early '90s. It was tossed around in the '80s, though.