Have you ever lived in another country?

[Phoenix]

Thanks Phoneix! I wish I had known you were in Singapore when I was in Japan. We always tried to get over the Singapore but never made it. We plan on going back one day. DH and I still want to climb Mt. Fugi. We were talking about 3 days in Tokyo and then a few days in Singapore since it was really the only Asian country we never got to!

Wow, I wish we could've met! It'd have been so much fun! You guys should def try and make it to SG some time. Well, let me know when you guys do come here, we can hang out and I can drool over your bling, esp that new gorgeous antique cushion of yours! And climbing that mountain, what an amazing achievement that'll be! I hope you and your DH will get to do it soon- it'll be so awesome!

 

[Rhea]

Congratulations on your upcoming citizenship, Ginger!

I received British citizenship in Spring 2009. I love the feeling of permanence, but it was almost too soon because I didn't feel settled yet. How amazing for you to get it after this long wait, but also to feel like it's time!

 

[Rosebloom]

[quote=" My husband is my home and I could live anywhere with him. [/quote]

This is so romantic!

 

[JewelFreak]

I moved to Holland 6 months after DH & I were married. He is Dutch; we met while he was in the U.S. on a post-MBA internship w/a multinational. Even though I had always wanted to live abroad -- I spoke French, Italian, & Spanish -- I can't say the adjustment was easy. New marriage, new job, unfamiliar language, all that. We were in Amsterdam for 5 yrs.

My work entailed travel all around western Europe 3 or 4 days/week those entire 5 years so I knew it better than DH did, & made many valued friends. While I loved most of the countries I spent so much time in, Holland itself never truly felt like home. Eventually I became fluent in "listening" to Dutch -- understood it as well as English, though I never spoke it well -- not there during the week & everyone spoke such good English. It worked -- at parties friends yakked away in Dutch, I answered in English, & we all had a great time.

DH's family was not welcoming nor helpful, which didn't start things off well. I was the foreign...um...witch who would take their dear first boy down the path to misery, worse yet, an American...um...witch. His mother declared that she had watched "Dallas" & knew just what American women are like. That attitude persisted until she died 30 yrs later. His sister's hostility remains thinly veiled. Shrug, their problem, not mine.

2 recommendations for easing a move to another country: 1. Learn at least the rudiments of the language right away. Know enough to get around, go shopping, etc., and throw yourself into improving with time. Language is the doorway to a culture; learning how other peoples think & laugh is, to me, a great great gift. 2. Join the ex-pat community. Others' experience in a place is invaluable, as is their support in your adjustment process -- they've been through it. Grudgingly, picturing blue-haired ladies' garden clubs, I joined the American Women's Club in Holland. I couldn't have been more surprised. Intelligent, accomplished, sophisticated, warm, active women from any country you can name -- only requirement for membership is a vague connection with America at some time in your life; even an ex-boyfriend will do. With so many nationalities, your path to the local community is easy to open.

We made lifelong friends in Holland & elsewhere on the Continent. I loved living in Europe & would move to any of about 6 countries in a minute.

How about returning to the States after several years? What did you experience? I found reverse culture shock a reality & very disconcerting.

--- Laurie

 

[Demelza]

Obviously I have. I moved to Australia at the tender age of 21 with absolutely NO CLUE how difficult it would to be transition to an entirely new culture. I was a farm grown American girl through and through, and it took me some rough lessons to learn that the world is more than just mid-America. People say, eat, do, and think different things -- and many times they are just as good as my American versions, if not better!

I moved for an ex-partner. It lasted just over a year before he left me, alone and in a foreign country with no family or friends of my own. It was excruciating. I honestly can't imagine a more difficult life situation, short of a death, to endure. It touched on every facet of my personality and made me a much, much stronger person.

I hated it here at first. I didn't 'get' Australians. My number one characteristic, which was awesome as I saw it, was being American. Now, from a much different perspective, I can recognize that characteristic as both a strength and a flaw. No one wants to welcome an outsider that is determined to remain an outsider, that counts it as their number one attribute - importing food stuff, persisting with vocabulary from somewhere else, celebrating foreign holidays instead of local ones, only shopping in their home country, etc. Once I opened myself up to appreciating all the wonderful things Australia has to offer, I slipped into being a local. I actually remember the very moment that I realized I was finally HAPPY here - I was driving along Mounts Bay Rd one morning, all the windows in the car down, and it just dawned on me. I wouldn't live anywhere else. I have no desire to go back to the States and feel very privileged to live in the 'lucky country.'

Getting to that point was a long, hard road to travel...but was worth it, a million times over.

This post really resonated with me! I don't think I've ever heard anyone articulate my experience so precisely. I am an American living in Canada. I realize Canada is much closer (I'm only a half hour from the US border) and much more similar to the US than Australia, but when we moved here, I was really surprised by how different it is and how much I felt (feel?) like a foreigner. I was also surprised by how much I clung (cling?) to my identity as an American and how important that became when it never was before. After 7 years, I now have wonderful friends and feel a strong sense of community living here and yet still it doesn't quite feel like home the way the US does. I hope I get to the point that you have where you don't have the desire to go back. I do like it here quite a lot and yet I still have this strong pull to move back to the US. Anyway, it's interesting to hear others' experiences as expats!

 

[JewelFreak]

That's not bad, to some extent. Our identities make us who we are. What we hope is that in time, our original- & our adopted-country identities meld into a more rounded person than we were. I never felt I lost my "American-ness" but I also felt totally at home in most western European countries -- with Germany maybe an exception. Similar to a stone in water, the edges kind of eroded, leaving a smooth rounded different shape.

DH says, "Wherever we are, we'll miss the other place." True, and wonderful.

--- Laurie

 

[princesss]

That's not bad, to some extent. Our identities make us who we are. What we hope is that in time, our original- & our adopted-country identities meld into a more rounded person than we were. I never felt I lost my "American-ness" but I also felt totally at home in most western European countries -- with Germany maybe an exception. Similar to a stone in water, the edges kind of eroded, leaving a smooth rounded different shape.

DH says, "Wherever we are, we'll miss the other place." True, and wonderful.

--- Laurie

So true! Once you learn to be at home anywhere, your first identity becomes...not less important, but less prominent. It's impossible to completely escape (no matter how hard I tried, haha), but the longer you live away from your native country, the more your identity becomes greater than the sum of its parts. The things you learn and the ways you adapt are useful in more contexts than I can count. It allows you to adopt the best of the places you have been and the cultures to have experienced, and it gives you so many places to miss because you'll rarely go some place and not find at least one thing you enjoy that you can't find anywhere else.

 

[SB621]

How about returning to the States after several years? What did you experience? I found reverse culture shock a reality & very disconcerting.

--- Laurie

It was....hard. Or at least harder then I thought it would be. In Japan/ Asis I felt like most people understood the beauty in silence and you didn't have to express yourself in so many words. I feel people picked up on body language more. When we came back to the stateside I realized just how much we/ Americans talk and express ourselves through volume. Also on our little island we practically didn't fear anything. I remember when my DS was 3 weeks old we went to a local favorite restarant. There was a little group of old ladies knitting while waiting for their dinner. As soon as we sat down they took DS from me without even asking. They rocked him and held him while DH and I ate supper. They only gave him back when we were ready to leave. That would NEVER happen in the US, but on Okinawa it was the norm. Coming back to the States with a young child was very disconcerting for me.

 

[nkarma]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

 

[JewelFreak]

That's not bad, to some extent. Our identities make us who we are. What we hope is that in time, our original- & our adopted-country identities meld into a more rounded person than we were. I never felt I lost my "American-ness" but I also felt totally at home in most western European countries -- with Germany maybe an exception. Similar to a stone in water, the edges kind of eroded, leaving a smooth rounded different shape.

DH says, "Wherever we are, we'll miss the other place." True, and wonderful.

--- Laurie

So true! Once you learn to be at home anywhere, your first identity becomes...not less important, but less prominent. It's impossible to completely escape (no matter how hard I tried, haha), but the longer you live away from your native country, the more your identity becomes greater than the sum of its parts. The things you learn and the ways you adapt are useful in more contexts than I can count. It allows you to adopt the best of the places you have been and the cultures to have experienced, and it gives you so many places to miss because you'll rarely go some place and not find at least one thing you enjoy that you can't find anywhere else.

Well put, Princesss. Just what I meant.

Sarahbears, I can see that picture in my mind, of the ladies taking care of baby & no worry. Over 9 yrs I spent about 8 wks/year in Japan, usually only with Japanese; my job didn't have me dealing with many round-eyes. It's totally different in those terms. Other customs I'd gotten used to in Europe, I had to un-learn in the U.S. Horribly overdressed for parties, e.g. -- Europeans tend to dress up more for dinner at somebody's house. I was astonished at jeans & sloppy t-shirts at DH's boss's Christmas party (San Francisco, does that explain it?). Forgot what sort of store to buy various things & much of that had changed while we were gone.

I noticed too that Americans are pretty parochial. It's understandable -- this country is so big & so varied in itself that most people experience foreign things in tiny bites, don't exist cheek by jowl with other cultures as most countries must. The lack of interest was almost hurtful, though: "Where did you move here from?" "We lived in Amsterdam." "Oh. Hey, have you seen the new restaurant on Geary?" Until I got my sea legs, I felt almost invisible. However, the same was often true of Japanese. Odd, when their country is so small. Their interest was mainly what sort of man my husband was, to "let" me travel so much -- and without him.

--- Laurie

 

[justginger]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

I'm in Perth - I'm more than happy to meet up with your sister and introduce her to some of the expat community here.

 

[Maisie]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

I think the commute from London to Basingstoke and back again might get a little bit irritating after a while. The train journey (which would be the quickest way to get there in rush hour) will take approx an hour. Travel costs will be over £100 per week. Hampshire is a lovely county to live in. Plenty of greenery! Wouldn't you like to live there and just visit London? It would be less expensive than living in the capital. I love my trips to London but its far too big and bustling to live there. Unless you like that of course

 

[nkarma]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

I think the commute from London to Basingstoke and back again might get a little bit irritating after a while. The train journey (which would be the quickest way to get there in rush hour) will take approx an hour. Travel costs will be over £100 per week. Hampshire is a lovely county to live in. Plenty of greenery! Wouldn't you like to live there and just visit London? It would be less expensive than living in the capital. I love my trips to London but its far too big and bustling to live there. Unless you like that of course

Thanks for the advice! This opportunity just came up and we still have a ton of research to do. We are more urbanites then not but it might be fun to live outside the city for a while. I know the commute is pretty expensive and long. DH keeps saying he will do it. Though when we calculate his take home minus rent and commute, it leaves very little for anything else. I still have a TON of research to do and know that we are going to hit many bumps in the road as this moves forward.

 

[nkarma]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

I'm in Perth - I'm more than happy to meet up with your sister and introduce her to some of the expat community here.

Thanks justginger! I may definitely take you up on that offer. What did you find were the best ways to meet friends when you moved there?

 

[justginger]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

I'm in Perth - I'm more than happy to meet up with your sister and introduce her to some of the expat community here.

Thanks justginger! I may definitely take you up on that offer. What did you find were the best ways to meet friends when you moved there?

Work. My field of work is very "me" and I get on with my coworkers like a house on fire. For my American fix, there is a small community of 20-30 year olds I've stumbled on that are TONS of fun.

 

[zoebartlett]

Phoenix, I've heard such great things about Singapore from a few different people. Everyone I've talked to loved their visits. I've never been but I'd like to see it someday. Oh, and I started this thread because I know we have a ton of world travelers here and I'd like to live vicariously through everyone who's had great experiences. Plus, I love learning about other cultures and places. We're not actually thinking of moving but it's a pipe dream we talk about possibly looking into someday. Maybe.

 

[zoebartlett]

Rhea, I can imagine how hard it would be to leave friends and family and to settle in a new country that has different ways of doing things. I'm sorry it's been hard maintaining friendships with friends back home. The out of sight, out of mind thing bugs me, and it sound like that's what it was. I can imagine how isolating it can feel at times, but I'm glad that it's helped you to continue some American traditions in England. I also agree with you on immersing yourself in local culture.

It was definitely an out of sight, out of mind thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it and can't imagine leaving. But there's a time where people in the people in US seemed to forget that I existed and I didn't know anyone in the UK yet. Think about when you made your friends. Probably a lot of them are childhood friends, friends from college, and potentially from your first job. I left all of those behind. People don't make friend the same way in the workforce in their mid 20s to early 30s.

I do truly love it and can't imagine leaving the UK, or a large city really. But moving, yeah, that's no fun. It's depressing and lonely and depending on a British spouse who thinks that you'll cope better than you ended up coping is really really hard. We went to counseling as a couple, and I made a friends with a woman whose partner is Japanese. Having her friendship is so helpful. She's a Brit but helped her partner moved her a couple of years before I did so understands when I get frustrated or can't figure out how to do something. DH has also realised the importance of providing me social activity through his social circle. DH is mostly happy to stay inside and is a real homebody but he invites over his friends and their partners. I'm not proper friends with any of the women like I was hoping, but it gives me an outlet and we all get along.

If you're moving, it does get better, I just wish I'd had more realistic expectations for what the first couple of years would be like so I could put proper things in place to deal with it.

That makes a lot of sense. You're right that it's much harder to make friends after graduating college. Add moving to a new country on top of that and I can imagine how hard it is. It's just different and it can be tough to have a social circle. I'm glad you've gotten to know others to hang out with, even if they're not close friends.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sarahbear, that's cool that you lived in Israel and Okinawa! Does your son have dual citizenship?

No he doesn't. Because he was born on a military base stationed overseas it is technically not considered Japan because military installations are US soil or something like that. Basically he has a birth certificate issued by the DOS that states he was born abroad but it isnt' recongized as a state issued birth certificate. Very confusing but whatever.

That's how I thought it worked but I wasn't exactly sure. Thanks for clearing it up!

 

[Rhea]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

I think the commute from London to Basingstoke and back again might get a little bit irritating after a while. The train journey (which would be the quickest way to get there in rush hour) will take approx an hour. Travel costs will be over £100 per week. Hampshire is a lovely county to live in. Plenty of greenery! Wouldn't you like to live there and just visit London? It would be less expensive than living in the capital. I love my trips to London but its far too big and bustling to live there. Unless you like that of course

Thanks for the advice! This opportunity just came up and we still have a ton of research to do. We are more urbanites then not but it might be fun to live outside the city for a while. I know the commute is pretty expensive and long. DH keeps saying he will do it. Though when we calculate his take home minus rent and commute, it leaves very little for anything else. I still have a TON of research to do and know that we are going to hit many bumps in the road as this moves forward.

London is so much more expensive to live in than a lot of the suburbs. Plus commuting is so dreadful. I did 90 minutes each way for over 4 years and hated every moment of it. Do come and visit me in London though!! I'd love to have a bling get together!

 

[rosetta]

This thread is so timely. My sister is moving from a smallish town in CA to Perth in 6 weeks. She has a friend there who moved for her bf. Her friend sounds pretty homesick sometimes. She also has a guy that she met last spring who has been keeping in contact with and even seeing when they get a chance. He lives in Perth but works 14 days straight in mining, so I am not sure how much of a support system he will be. My sister is a very anxious type so I know moving is really getting to her. She wants this experience so much, but it's hard when you realize everything you will miss.

And my husband just applied for a job transfer in his company to Basingstoke, England which he has great chances for. We will find out at the end of Jan if he got it. We are probably very naive, but we also are yearning for a change and are full speed ahead. We want to live in London and have him commute. We have spent all of 3 days in London as tourists, so it should be very interesting. I am also sometimes an anxious person and do not pick up new things very quickly. It will be interesting to see all that I have to re-learn. My other huge worry is money. We live very comfortably now, but with the higher cost of living and only one guaranteed salary, I am nervous. I have good marketable skills, but would need a company to sponsor me for us to be more comfortable.

Thanks for everyone's input to this thread, it has been enlightening.

I think the commute from London to Basingstoke and back again might get a little bit irritating after a while. The train journey (which would be the quickest way to get there in rush hour) will take approx an hour. Travel costs will be over £100 per week. Hampshire is a lovely county to live in. Plenty of greenery! Wouldn't you like to live there and just visit London? It would be less expensive than living in the capital. I love my trips to London but its far too big and bustling to live there. Unless you like that of course

Thanks for the advice! This opportunity just came up and we still have a ton of research to do. We are more urbanites then not but it might be fun to live outside the city for a while. I know the commute is pretty expensive and long. DH keeps saying he will do it. Though when we calculate his take home minus rent and commute, it leaves very little for anything else. I still have a TON of research to do and know that we are going to hit many bumps in the road as this moves forward.

I would strongly advise your husband NOT to commute from Basingstoke to London. And i say that as a person who lives in and loves London (we are hard core urbanites and live in central london) It will be costly, long, tiring and even getting a seat on the train will be difficult. Then you may still need the tube which is a nightmare during rush hour. I have actually done this route. Rent anywhere decent in London will be more expensive. As someone who has commuted for over 3 hours everyday (not anymore thank god) it's not something I would ever do again. I would opt to live close to work and come to London every single weekend (which you will want to!)

 

[rosetta]

[quote=" My husband is my home and I could live anywhere with him.

This is so romantic![/quote]

Aw shucks. My husband was born and bred in London and I sometimes jokingly ask him where his home is.








He says "wherever you are"

 

[Rosebloom]

What a sweetie! I love when couples are so obviously in love!

 

[JewelFreak]

I would strongly advise your husband NOT to commute from Basingstoke to London. And i say that as a person who lives in and loves London (we are hard core urbanites and live in central london) It will be costly, long, tiring and even getting a seat on the train will be difficult. Then you may still need the tube which is a nightmare during rush hour. I have actually done this route. Rent anywhere decent in London will be more expensive. As someone who has commuted for over 3 hours everyday (not anymore thank god) it's not something I would ever do again. I would opt to live close to work and come to London every single weekend (which you will want to!)

+1. That sort of commute is an adventure the first time, annoying the second, then becomes soul-deadening. It also cuts waaay into your time together.

Take a look online at rentals in London. It is Very expensive; you'll probably gulp at what you get for the price. London is The Best city in the world, imo, but unless I were on a diplomatic salary or a CEO, I'd not want to cram myself into what I could afford -- would far rather mess around in London every single weekend, then go home to somewhere bigger & calmer. Plus, English villages are absolutely wonderful too. There, you really get to know local life.

--- Laurie

 

[nkarma]

I would strongly advise your husband NOT to commute from Basingstoke to London. And i say that as a person who lives in and loves London (we are hard core urbanites and live in central london) It will be costly, long, tiring and even getting a seat on the train will be difficult. Then you may still need the tube which is a nightmare during rush hour. I have actually done this route. Rent anywhere decent in London will be more expensive. As someone who has commuted for over 3 hours everyday (not anymore thank god) it's not something I would ever do again. I would opt to live close to work and come to London every single weekend (which you will want to!)

+1. That sort of commute is an adventure the first time, annoying the second, then becomes soul-deadening. It also cuts waaay into your time together.

Take a look online at rentals in London. It is Very expensive; you'll probably gulp at what you get for the price. London is The Best city in the world, imo, but unless I were on a diplomatic salary or a CEO, I'd not want to cram myself into what I could afford -- would far rather mess around in London every single weekend, then go home to somewhere bigger & calmer. Plus, English villages are absolutely wonderful too. There, you really get to know local life.

--- Laurie

I know exactly what you both mean especially about the thrilling at first and exhausting soon after. I should take your advice. I have spent all of my adult life working in the suburbs and choosing to live in an urban area 45 min away but not the even farther away one where our friends and lives are. It's rough when you constantly are having to leave parties early cause public transportation closes or you need to go home and come back if you need to change between things. Right now I am in a place of I can do the commute if it means I am in the place that I spend my freetime. We are 29 and 30 btw. I think we are going to just go and see, maybe commute for a year and if it's tiring move to a village. I have to find a job too and it will probably be in London. Some ideas I had were to live w/n walking of either Paddington or Clapham Junction. I know Clapham isn't central but it's a 40 min train to Basingstoke and the neighborhood looks cute.

Edited to add: My DH will be travelling internationally for the job about 1 week per month too so that will give him a slight reprieve from the commute.

 

[Rhea]

I had a bit of an experience the other day. We're in Nashville visiting family at the moment and were asked if we wanted to go see a band who regularly plays at a restaurant and bar. I accepted the invitation thinking that it would be fun. I've seen the band before and enjoy their music. DH doesn't go with the flow as easily as I do and let's just say the evening was a bust. The band played completely different music than the last 2 times I heard them, the crowd was older than it has been before, and it was an all around disappointment.

DH and I had a huge come to jesus. 350+ days of the year I blend in and am British. I spell words with a u, I am polite, somewhat reserved, attend family diners for his Nan and other extended family and generally do my duty as a good partner to put up with his family. I understand that I picked to live over there and have adopted his country more than he has mine.

He is asked once every other year to attend Christmas with my family and most of the visit has gone off without a hitch, but we go to this bar and all hell breaks loose. I remind him how difficult it can be to find food in the South that's vegetarian so plan for us to eat before we go. DH insists that there will be food there. I remind him that we in the South do things a bit differently and we'll be listening to country and "twangy stuff" all night long. I give him an out and when he doesn't accept it I attempt to make it as comfortable as possible. DH was a sour puss all night long. I danced by myself to the stupid shuffle, the electric slide, and a few other line dances. I attempted to make the best of the situation while DH sat and complained about the food, the music, and the dancing. I told him mac and cheese was a veggie here and that every other veggie would have bacon in it. Dear lord I was so pissed I could've spit nails.

I enjoyed myself immensely. I love to dance. But accounting for someone else being so far out of their comfort zone that they have no clue how to behave was a struggle. Vent over.

 

[justginger]

I had a bit of an experience the other day. We're in Nashville visiting family at the moment and were asked if we wanted to go see a band who regularly plays at a restaurant and bar. I accepted the invitation thinking that it would be fun. I've seen the band before and enjoy their music. DH doesn't go with the flow as easily as I do and let's just say the evening was a bust. The band played completely different music than the last 2 times I heard them, the crowd was older than it has been before, and it was an all around disappointment.

DH and I had a huge come to jesus. 350+ days of the year I blend in and am British. I spell words with a u, I am polite, somewhat reserved, attend family diners for his Nan and other extended family and generally do my duty as a good partner to put up with his family. I understand that I picked to live over there and have adopted his country more than he has mine.

He is asked once every other year to attend Christmas with my family and most of the visit has gone off without a hitch, but we go to this bar and all hell breaks loose. I remind him how difficult it can be to find food in the South that's vegetarian so plan for us to eat before we go. DH insists that there will be food there. I remind him that we in the South do things a bit differently and we'll be listening to country and "twangy stuff" all night long. I give him an out and when he doesn't accept it I attempt to make it as comfortable as possible. DH was a sour puss all night long. I danced by myself to the stupid shuffle, the electric slide, and a few other line dances. I attempted to make the best of the situation while DH sat and complained about the food, the music, and the dancing. I told him mac and cheese was a veggie here and that every other veggie would have bacon in it. Dear lord I was so pissed I could've spit nails.

I enjoyed myself immensely. I love to dance. But accounting for someone else being so far out of their comfort zone that they have no clue how to behave was a struggle. Vent over.

Sympathy plus. That must have been exceedingly frustrating for you, considering how many concessions and adjustments you've made for the great majority of your life together. I have had tiffs with DH about similar things; he likes to end them with, "GWA." Short for "Ginger Wins Again," because no matter what sort of compromise or sacrifice he's making, it can't ever really compare to moving to another country. I've given up my family holidays, my school reunions, my regular vacation places, my comfort foods, my clothing brands, my favorite car, and so on and so forth. I have little sympathy when I ask him to make a small adjustment and he acts like it's the end of the world (we're talking about something like pitching his old bed frame in favor of keeping my newer, prettier one).

I'm sorry you had such a crappy night, Rhea.

 

[rosetta]

I had a bit of an experience the other day. We're in Nashville visiting family at the moment and were asked if we wanted to go see a band who regularly plays at a restaurant and bar. I accepted the invitation thinking that it would be fun. I've seen the band before and enjoy their music. DH doesn't go with the flow as easily as I do and let's just say the evening was a bust. The band played completely different music than the last 2 times I heard them, the crowd was older than it has been before, and it was an all around disappointment.

DH and I had a huge come to jesus. 350+ days of the year I blend in and am British. I spell words with a u, I am polite, somewhat reserved, attend family diners for his Nan and other extended family and generally do my duty as a good partner to put up with his family. I understand that I picked to live over there and have adopted his country more than he has mine.

He is asked once every other year to attend Christmas with my family and most of the visit has gone off without a hitch, but we go to this bar and all hell breaks loose. I remind him how difficult it can be to find food in the South that's vegetarian so plan for us to eat before we go. DH insists that there will be food there. I remind him that we in the South do things a bit differently and we'll be listening to country and "twangy stuff" all night long. I give him an out and when he doesn't accept it I attempt to make it as comfortable as possible. DH was a sour puss all night long. I danced by myself to the stupid shuffle, the electric slide, and a few other line dances. I attempted to make the best of the situation while DH sat and complained about the food, the music, and the dancing. I told him mac and cheese was a veggie here and that every other veggie would have bacon in it. Dear lord I was so pissed I could've spit nails.

I enjoyed myself immensely. I love to dance. But accounting for someone else being so far out of their comfort zone that they have no clue how to behave was a struggle. Vent over.

Oh dear. Your husband really should have tried harder (my husband would be the kind to LEAD the line dancing, never mind that he wouldn't have a clue what he was doing!). I can see why you are furious. Maybe sit him down and talk about how it IS important that your culture gets a look into your relationship as well as his? Sure you adopted his country. All the more reason that he should make an effort on the few occasions you're on your turf, really.

(um, I admit I've never had the whole country music, line dancing, rib eating experience. And I would love to. )

 

[Rhea]

Thanks Ginger and Rosetta! We did have a huge talk, and the rest of the evening went better. I lived in the South for years and years so I get how it works. Big city boy thinks it's easy to find places eat at 10pm at night, or buy alcohol on Sunday, or find vegetarian food. So even though I've warned him about something being a particular way it's like it's a shock to his system when it actually turns out that way and he isn't sure what to do. He tends to be an optimist so blocks out past memories of being stuck in exactly the same situation whereas I'm a pessimist and can recall every time!

Luckily the rest of the trip has gone very smoothly and if this type of thing happens again then I'll stay calmer and remember some of your advice!

 

[Skippy123]

I would love to live in Europe. hubs has applied for jobs out there but no luck

 

[SB621]

I had a bit of an experience the other day. We're in Nashville visiting family at the moment and were asked if we wanted to go see a band who regularly plays at a restaurant and bar. I accepted the invitation thinking that it would be fun. I've seen the band before and enjoy their music. DH doesn't go with the flow as easily as I do and let's just say the evening was a bust. The band played completely different music than the last 2 times I heard them, the crowd was older than it has been before, and it was an all around disappointment.

DH and I had a huge come to jesus. 350+ days of the year I blend in and am British. I spell words with a u, I am polite, somewhat reserved, attend family diners for his Nan and other extended family and generally do my duty as a good partner to put up with his family. I understand that I picked to live over there and have adopted his country more than he has mine.

He is asked once every other year to attend Christmas with my family and most of the visit has gone off without a hitch, but we go to this bar and all hell breaks loose. I remind him how difficult it can be to find food in the South that's vegetarian so plan for us to eat before we go. DH insists that there will be food there. I remind him that we in the South do things a bit differently and we'll be listening to country and "twangy stuff" all night long. I give him an out and when he doesn't accept it I attempt to make it as comfortable as possible. DH was a sour puss all night long. I danced by myself to the stupid shuffle, the electric slide, and a few other line dances. I attempted to make the best of the situation while DH sat and complained about the food, the music, and the dancing. I told him mac and cheese was a veggie here and that every other veggie would have bacon in it. Dear lord I was so pissed I could've spit nails.

I enjoyed myself immensely. I love to dance. But accounting for someone else being so far out of their comfort zone that they have no clue how to behave was a struggle. Vent over.

OMG I think you just described several situations I have been through with DH a few years back. He is extremely reserved and well I'm the sort of person that screams personality. I guess opposites attract , but it drives me crazy when he sits there and doesn't want to try things because he feels out of his comfort zone. Believe it or not kids really changed him and now he is more amendable to trying new things that aren't so conservative...thank goodness.