Feeling awfully guilty about engagement ring...

[Kensington]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this (and I'm sorry in advance if it's not), but I really needed someone to talk about this and see if anyone had any tips/suggestions on how to deal.

I wore my engagement ring until I got married and now I only wear my wedding band. I don't know what it is exactly, I think I just like having something more practical that never gets in the way. So my engagement ring just sits at the bank.

I feel AWFUL about this when I think about it. It was just over $40k or so and although we aren't needing money right now, I just feel like DH completely wasted that money on it and it makes me feel SO. FREAKING. GUILTY.

I've thought about trying to sell it, but when I brought up the idea in a casual manner with DH, he seemed pretty shocked at the idea, so I dropped it. I know if we did sell, it'd be at a heavy loss, but the idea of making up at least some of the money would make me feel better.

We intend to have (or adopt) kids in the future and of course I will pass it along to my son/daughter, but I still can't help feeling that all that money could be sitting in our bank account right now instead of in a ring that's in a box that never sees the light of day.

I don't know. Sorry for the rambling, everyone. If you can relate at all, it'd be wonderful to hear your stories. And if you have any suggestions about what I could do (either to make myself feel better about it or in terms of taking any action), that would be great too.

Thank you so much for listening, I really appreciate it!

 

[kenny]

Have you considered wearing it in a necklace?
Then it's not in the way, but you are keeping it and enjoying it.

 

[momhappy]

You have two choices. Keep it or sell it. If you're not wanting, not wearing it, and feeling guilty, then talk to your husband again about selling it. If you're not comfortable talking to him again about selling it, then it sounds like you'll just have to find some way to come to terms with it. I'm sorry that you are having issues and I hope that you can get it figured out one way or another.

 

[Kensington]

Wear it in a necklace.
Then it's not in the way, but you are keeping it and enjoying it.

Thanks, kenny! I'm not into wearing necklaces/bracelets and don't have pierced ears, but if I do start feeling like I'd get wear out of a necklace, resetting will definitely be something I'll consider.

 

[ruby59]

Right now diamonds are at a low price. So you would even feel more guilty having to take a big loss.

At least wait until prices rise, then bring up the conversation again with your husband.

 

[Kensington]

You have two choices. Keep it or sell it. If you're not wanting, not wearing it, and feeling guilty, then talk to your husband again about selling it. If you're not comfortable talking to him again about selling it, then it sounds like you'll just have to find some way to come to terms with it. I'm sorry that you are having issues and I hope that you can get it figured out one way or another.

Yes, you're 100% right, those are my only two options. I'll talk to my husband again about it and then if we decide selling is off the table, I'll try to accept it. Maybe cutting back on my other expenses will make me feel less guilty.

Thanks so much for commenting, I know this is such a first world problem, but it's been eating away at me for awhile and I don't really have anyone IRL to spill about this kind of thing!

 

[Kensington]

Right now diamonds are at a low price. So you would even feel more guilty having to take a big loss.

At least wait until prices rise, then bring up the conversation again with your husband.

Thank you, excellent point! I've been trying my best to keep an eye on the market and have even tried looking up articles to see if there are any opinions out about price trajectory, but of course it's a "just have to wait and see what happens" kind of thing.

 

[maccers]

What about wearing it for special occasions?

I've gone from wearing my e-ring every day to maybe 1-2 a week (sometimes less). I will say, that when I do wear it, I appreciate it a whole lot more and spend time admiring it. Depending on where you live, maybe you could keep it in a safe in your house so you'll have access to it more often?

 

[lovedogs]

Have you considered wearing it in a necklace?
Then it's not in the way, but you are keeping it and enjoying it.

I know you mentioned that you typically don't wear necklaces, but I think these are a great idea for people who dont wear their e-rings (or cant), but still want to enjoy and keep them. http://www.emilyc.com/

 

[Kensington]

What about wearing it for special occasions?

I've gone from wearing my e-ring every day to maybe 1-2 a week (sometimes less). I will say, that when I do wear it, I appreciate it a whole lot more and spend time admiring it. Depending on where you live, maybe you could keep it in a safe in your house so you'll have access to it more often?

Oh yes! I did bring it out last month when we went out to celebrate our anniversary and it made DH really happy, so I do plan on doing that as often as possible. You have a beautiful set btw! Also, just hearing from someone who doesn't wear their ring all the time too makes me feel less strange, so thanks for sharing

 

[tyty333]

Have you considered having it reset in a setting that is low and comfortable so that it might get more wear? Maybe a bezel setting?

 

[foxinsox]

How is it set that makes it less practical for every day now and would resetting it in a low setting or a bezel or something make it more wearable for you? Would your husband be open to a reset if it meant you would wear it more often?

 

[Kensington]

Have you considered having it reset in a setting that is low and comfortable so that it might get more wear? Maybe a bezel setting?

How is it set that makes it less practical for every day now and would resetting it in a low setting or a bezel or something make it more wearable for you? Would your husband be open to a reset if it meant you would wear it more often?

Great minds must think alike! ^^

It's the Tiffany classic solitaire. We'd only be able to reset it in another setting from Tiffany without voiding the warranty and while I *think* I might like the Bezet, it's no longer on the US website for some reason. It looks like some other settings might sit lower, but they're also more blingy. I wouldn't mind resetting if I knew this would solve the problem and I'd wear it more afterwards. I'd definitely help with the practicality issue, but style-wise, I've become very "no-frills" (my wedding band is plain plain plain) and I guess I need to figure out if part of not wearing it stems from me just not being that into sparkly things anymore. Because if I still wouldn't end up wearing it much, it's probably better to keep it in the classic setting for potential resale (or even pass-down) purposes.

But I think I'll take a trip to the store to ask about the Bezet (if it's even still offered). Wouldn't hurt!

Thank you both!

 

[tyty333]

Have you considered having it reset in a setting that is low and comfortable so that it might get more wear? Maybe a bezel setting?

 

[momhappy]

You have two choices. Keep it or sell it. If you're not wanting, not wearing it, and feeling guilty, then talk to your husband again about selling it. If you're not comfortable talking to him again about selling it, then it sounds like you'll just have to find some way to come to terms with it. I'm sorry that you are having issues and I hope that you can get it figured out one way or another.

Yes, you're 100% right, those are my only two options. I'll talk to my husband again about it and then if we decide selling is off the table, I'll try to accept it. Maybe cutting back on my other expenses will make me feel less guilty.

Thanks so much for commenting, I know this is such a first world problem, but it's been eating away at me for awhile and I don't really have anyone IRL to spill about this kind of thing!

It's okay to have a first world problem - don't feel bad about that too!
I understand feeling guilty about such a large purchase. I don't wear my ring every day - in fact, most days, I wear no rings at all. I think my ring is gorgeous, but after losing a pave stone in the band, I kind of feel like it's more delicate than I initially thought.
Maybe you could try wearing yours again for a while and see if it changes your mindset at all?

 

[siamese3]

Hi. I just thought I would chime in and echo what others have said. I had my engagement ring set in a classic knife edge setting (which I loved for it's classic simplicity) but I recently had it reset by inspired design by caysie van bebber and I love it! I feel that it's much more "wearable" and doesn't feel so "engagement-y" to me. My stone is much smaller than yours, but here's a photo.

 

[Bonfire]

Hi Kensington What you are feeling is not uncommon. When I was younger and my children were young I wore my e-ring mostly for special occasions. It just wasn't practical to wear it with the wear and tear on my hands at that time. I'm older and my kids are grown and I really enjoy my rings again. In fact I've upgraded a few times along the way My advice to you is this. As long as your finances are okay, hold on to your ring. It doesn't sound like financial action is required..Wear it for special occasions like you are doing now and enjoy it when you do. See how you (and DH) feel down the road. Don't feel guilty about not wearing it as much right now. It obviously means a lot to your DH that you have it.

 

[Bonfire]

One more thing just to be honest Kensington, even though I love rocking my diamonds these days, hehe, I still spend a lot of my time just wearing my plain platinum band Sometimes it's just the practical thing to wear!

 

[Kensington]

One more thing just to be honest Kensington, even though I love rocking my diamonds these days, hehe, I still spend a lot of my time just wearing my plain platinum band Sometimes it's just the practical thing to wear!

Haha it is, isn't it?! Bonfire, thank you so, so much for the warm welcome and the kind words. They truly made me feel a TON better about all of this. I think at the end of the day, you're exactly right. If I decide to keep it/not reset and don't wear it, I might as well hold onto it so long as we don't need the extra funds. Especially since it means so much to my DH. I sometimes think it means more to him than to me for some reason. I think there's a lot of pride tied up in it for him (in addition to the sentimental aspect).

I have to think about a few things (and talk to DH of course, as I think it'd make me feel better to know we're on the same page about everything), but thank you so much again.

And thank you to everyone else who's replied, too! I was afraid to post as I feel like such an ingrate, but you all have been so nice. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for listening.

 

[LLJsmom]

How long have you been married? My ering sat in my safe deposit 15 years. I wore only a plain platinum band for the first 15 years of our marriage. And when I turned 40 I decided I had to have a big rock. I'm not saying you should let it sit there but give yourself some time and don't get too emotional about it. You might change your mind down the road and you may want your original ering to wear. Let it sit for 3-5 more years. A lot of things can happen and you never know how you may change your mind. My 2c.

 

[lambskin]

I rarely wear my ER. I do not wear my band either. I love my ER and get joy when I do wear it. My hubby knows I love the ring and could careless if I do or don't wear it. After nearly 30 years I still tell him I love my ER.

 

[PierreBear]

Hey lady! Guilt is a hard feeling to live with on a daily basis and I think whatever it takes to avoid that feeling is a healthy decision. The hard part is finding the action to take to rid that feeling but I hope you get there soon!

Just wanted to share that I wear my rings when I'm out and about. However, when I'm home or at the gym and it's time to use my hands, I take off my rings. So in many ways, my husband never really sees me wear it but on the occasional weekend. I think you might have to make a distinction of how you value the ring and how your husband values the ring. I think the idea of wearing it for date nights, parties, and weddings etc was a great suggestion!

I know this is a complete different scenario but is within the same vein. I got my first designer bag and love it but most week days I need a smaller cross body bag to throw it into the gym bag etc. The other bags are larger and is used during the weekend. I felt a bit guilty for not using it more often as I like but the times that I do use it... gosh it also feels extra special. Perhaps it might feel that way if you keep it and wear for special occasions? Good luck with everything!

 

[Rhea]

How long have you been married? My ering sat in my safe deposit 15 years. I wore only a plain platinum band for the first 15 years of our marriage. And when I turned 40 I decided I had to have a big rock. I'm not saying you should let it sit there but give yourself some time and don't get too emotional about it. You might change your mind down the road and you may want your original ering to wear. Let it sit for 3-5 more years. A lot of things can happen and you never know how you may change your mind. My 2c.

This. We've been married over 10 years and I'm more inclined to wear my engagement ring now than I have the previous 12 years I've owned it. I don't wear it daily, but I do wear it regularly enough. My opinion, you're not going to the get the entire 40K back so unless you're pressed for cash, just sit on it for a bit and see how to you feel as time passes.

 

[Kensington]

Thank you for all the responses!

We got engaged about 2 years ago and we've been married just over a year for those who asked.

**UPDATE** is that DH and I had a really good talk last night. In a nutshell, he said that he wasn't upset that I don't wear it anymore, but that he does really appreciate it when I wear it for special occasions. He doesn't want to sell it, but said that if we ever need the extra money, then obviously we could reconsider. It made me feel a lot better knowing how ok he was with the situation.

As for personally dealing with my guilt over it, I put aside 10% of each of my paychecks to go to random luxury "want but don't need" purchases. I have about $2k in there so far and while of course I could find things to buy, I don't NEED anything, so I think for awhile I'll just keep that untouched and will move a chunk back into our savings. I think mentally it'd make me feel better. Of course money spent is money spent and that's never coming back, but feeling like I'm making up for it a bit will give me some peace of mind.

And as you all say, maybe one day I'll reach for my e-ring again! (That's the hope!)

I should add (in case I sound coo coo for cocoa puffs), I grew up in a household where pennies were counted so closely and I was always made to feel guilty if anything at all went to waste (even though my family didn't struggle to make ends meet). While it did instill in me the whole "value of a dollar" thing, I think overall, it was so extreme that it's had more of a negative impact on how I view money/spending. For example, a cab my husband (then boyfriend) was in several years ago drove off with his luggage in the trunk and he lost the clothes he had in there and (more importantly, a care package my mom had given him to give me that had $100 in cash in it). We contacted the cab company, telling them exactly where my husband was picked up and dropped off, but they did absolutely nothing to help us. TO THIS DAY I randomly think about that lost money and other items and get upset about it. I also beat myself up for small things, like buying an $8 mascara at full price when the next day it's 15% off, or forgetting to use ebates on a $50 purchase and missing out on 1% cash back (I know, there should be a facepalm emoji for that). So in thinking about all this last night and reflecting on everything, I know I have to work on how I deal with money issues generally.

Sorry to go off-topic a bit, just thought that might help explain my state of mind on the issue.

Thank you again for the advice, everyone!

 

[cmd2014]

Kensington,

Guilt implies that you feel responsible somehow for "wasting" the money on your ring. Did you ask for such an expensive ring? Did the two of you talk about it before hand, or was it something that your husband freely chose for you and surprised you with? Is it the fact that it is so expensive that makes you worried or uncomfortable about wearing it? Is it insured?

If you didn't ask for that expensive of a ring (or you talked about it at the time and it's what he really wanted to do for you, despite your voicing hesitation about the price), then I don't think you need to feel guilty. I'm assuming that your husband could afford it, that it didn't mean sacrificing something more important (like being able to put a down payment towards a house), that it is paid for, and that you are both financially responsible so that the ring does not represent all of your savings in the world. If so, then you should wear it and enjoy it. Life is too short to keep nice things for special occasions - unless of course, doing so makes them feel that much more special, and that there are enough special occasions to make it worthwhile. Solitaires are classic and understated, so you may find that if you let go of thinking about how much the ring cost, you might enjoy wearing it more. Plus, if it is insured, then you don't have to worry about it.

I'd also say that it might help to remind yourself that there is retained value in diamonds. True, it's not nearly as much as you paid for the ring retail, but the value is not zero either. So it's not the whole $40K that is gone. Just a portion of it. You can always sell to recoup some of your spend in the future if you want or need to.

I hope that this makes you feel better.

 

[Bonfire]

^

 

[Kensington]

Kensington,

Guilt implies that you feel responsible somehow for "wasting" the money on your ring. Did you ask for such an expensive ring? Did the two of you talk about it before hand, or was it something that your husband freely chose for you and surprised you with? Is it the fact that it is so expensive that makes you worried or uncomfortable about wearing it? Is it insured?

If you didn't ask for that expensive of a ring (or you talked about it at the time and it's what he really wanted to do for you, despite your voicing hesitation about the price), then I don't think you need to feel guilty. I'm assuming that your husband could afford it, that it didn't mean sacrificing something more important (like being able to put a down payment towards a house), that it is paid for, and that you are both financially responsible so that the ring does not represent all of your savings in the world. If so, then you should wear it and enjoy it. Life is too short to keep nice things for special occasions - unless of course, doing so makes them feel that much more special, and that there are enough special occasions to make it worthwhile. Solitaires are classic and understated, so you may find that if you let go of thinking about how much the ring cost, you might enjoy wearing it more. Plus, if it is insured, then you don't have to worry about it.

I'd also say that it might help to remind yourself that there is retained value in diamonds. True, it's not nearly as much as you paid for the ring retail, but the value is not zero either. So it's not the whole $40K that is gone. Just a portion of it. You can always sell to recoup some of your spend in the future if you want or need to.

I hope that this makes you feel better.

Thank you for your thoughts, cmd!

You're right that guilt always stems from some sort of feeling of responsibility. While I didn't ask for an expensive ring, I also knew that DH wanted to get a Tiffany ring (he's one of those guys that always thought that was par for the course for proposing/getting engaged). I had suggested going non-Tiffany or even using an heirloom from my aunt, but he hadn't liked those options and when it came to the proposal/engagement, I really wanted to leave things up to him. I tend to be the more decisive (read: micro-managing) person in our relationship and this was one thing I wanted to stay out of and defer to him about. But now that the ring sits at the bank (and with hindsight being 20/20 and all), I think, "I should've kept trying to talk him out of it/kept insisting that he use the heirloom." Because at least that wouldn't have cost anything.

I am trying to think of it in the big picture and that over the course of our lives, it isn't that big a deal. And thinking about how it's not the ENTIRE amount wasted does help me feel much, much better.

Oh and my not wearing it doesn't have to do with price, it's just that a plain band is so easy and my style overall has shifted. My other jewelry also sits in the bank now, but those don't cause such guilty feelings (compared to the e-ring) because they're just not that valuable.

 

[Polished]

You're no longer living in the family situation you grew up in and where your attitudes to money were established. You're married and with a person who is going to have their own ideas about how money is used. Throughout your married life there will be money that gets "wasted", there will be decisions taken that won't end up being as financially advantageous as another decision would have been. How far do you want this to affect you and by extention your husband. I'd be taking the valuable lessons you learnt growing up, regarding thrift while allowing yourself to be open to new ways of looking at spending.

For example, your engagement ring is just an object, albeit a beautiful one, but one which is in no way essential to your life. Quite rightly you make the personal choice that, save special occasions, you're really not that comfortable wearing it. Of course you are fully entitled to change your mind at any moment and wear it more often or, with consultation with your husband, change it to something different. Now leaving the ring aside and what it cost, what messages did you get from your now husband when he bestowed this ring on you. I get, he's generous, he bothered to save up a considerable sum for something for you as opposed to spending it say on a lavish holiday with some mates for himself. I just think with a little imagination there's a lot more to the ring than the ring.

 

[Bonfire]

Goodness knows your feelings are your feelings. I think it's great that this opened a dialogue with you and your DH. It sounds like you both are in agreement on this going forward. That's what is important. You cleared the air about it, explained how you feel, he understands and told you how he feels. It's good that you can communicate openly with each other. You are laying a good foundation for your marriage.

 

[Kensington]

You're no longer living in the family situation you grew up in and where your attitudes to money were established. You're married and with a person who is going to have their own ideas about how money is used. Throughout your married life there will be money that gets "wasted", there will be decisions taken that won't end up being as financially advantageous as another decision would have been. How far do you want this to affect you and by extention your husband. I'd be taking the valuable lessons you learnt growing up, regarding thrift while allowing yourself to be open to new ways of looking at spending.

For example, your engagement ring is just an object, albeit a beautiful one, but one which is in no way essential to your life. Quite rightly you make the personal choice that, save special occasions, you're really not that comfortable wearing it. Of course you are fully entitled to change your mind at any moment and wear it more often or, with consultation with your husband, change it to something different. Now leaving the ring aside and what it cost, what messages did you get from your now husband when he bestowed this ring on you. I get, he's generous, he bothered to save up a considerable sum for something for you as opposed to spending it say on a lavish holiday with some mates for himself. I just think with a little imagination there's a lot more to the ring than the ring.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post this, Polished. You are very wise (and very right!). I will take your words to heart.