Do you think a DIL should be just like a daughter?

[AmeliaG]

a dil should and can be like getting a new daughter

I saw this statement and I thought I'd get PSers thoughts. The statement was in another thread where a PSer's situation was discussed and she didn't want the story re-hashed again so I'm starting a new more generalized thread as a question about this particular statement. There are no right and wrong answers; I'd just like to hear some more opinions.

Do you think a DIL should be just like a daughter or a MIL should be just like a mother?

Again, out of respect to the OP in the other thread, I don't want to re hash her situation and I realize the writer of this statement may not have meant it literally. But being a linguist and a literalist, I'm interested your answer to the literal question.

 

[AmeliaG]

First, I'll give mine. No, because of my family norms, in particular my Mom's family. My mom tells new ILs flat out at the beginning that she will never be as close to them as she is to her own children and in a fight she will ALWAYS support her own children over the IL no matter what her children do. She also told them not to expect a warm and cuddly MIL because while her children loved their spouses like mad; she didn't know her new ILs from Adam. She said over time if they clicked they could be good friends, but warned them not to expect it right away as a right.

Now I have a problem with Mom supporting her children no matter what. She blamed my SIL for driving my brother away when her had an affair and his sister's thought it was all his fault. But I can't find fault with her not being comfortable establishing a real chummy relationship right off the bat with people she doesn't know. And having inherited her forthrightness, I much prefer when people state something like that upfront. Then I know who I'm dealing with. I do believe in being polite so both women can have a decent relation with her DS/DH.

 

[justginger]

I like my inlaws...a lot. They're wonderful, warm, caring people. But they are not my parents. I think treating inlaws like a new set of parents trivializes the sacrifices your REAL parents have made, the unending love they have provided you with. It creeps me out a bit when people start calling their inlaws Mom and Dad. My SIL does it to my inlaws and half the time they don't respond. Their brains simply don't compute that when her voice is saying, 'Mum!' or 'Dad!' that she's actually talking to THEM.

So no, I don't think a DIL is a new daughter. She's your son's wife, no more and no less. If they were to divorce, she would not remain your daughter - a title that is irrevocable when legitimate. She may still be your friend, but not your daughter.

 

[kefira]

I find the relationship to be more like that of an aunt and a niece (from my experience as a niece and DIL - I have never been an aunt or MIL). Neither my husband nor I are very close to our families, though he is much closer to his than I am to mine. We also don't live near any of our blood relatives, so there aren't many shared experiences and bonding times for us. My experience is probably not the norm, but I don't think the result is all that different from most. I have never known anyone who is all that close to their MIL/DIL. Probably the closest were my own mother and my adoptive father's mother, who was such a lovely and easygoing lady that you couldn't help but love her. But most, I find, wouldn't call their MIL as readily as they would call their own ma for advice, support, etc. It's just not the same relationship as you have with someone you have known your entire life.

 

[AprilBaby]

As a MIL, no. I love my DIL but she has her own mother. We have mutual admiration and respect but I have my own daughter. It works great!

 

[zoebartlett]

As a DIL, I'd say no. I know I'm part of my husband's family but I don't think I'll ever be as close to them as they are with each other. That's okay with me. Everyone treats me very well and my MIL and FIL hug me every time they see me, but it's hard for me to let my guard completely down. No one's ever given me a reason to feel that way though. It's almost as if it's something I put on our relationship, not them. It's hard to explain. I had more written but I erased it because it went a little OT.

ETA: My mom and I chat a lot and we see one another often. My MIL and I really only talk if the whole family gets together and/or if my husband and I visit my MIL and FIL. They're not far away, but it's just how it is. My mom and my MIL are very, very different, and they've only met a handful of times in the nine years my husband and I have been together. We'll never be a family where both sides hang out during the holidays, for example. It used to make me sad but I'm okay with it now for the most part.

 

[missy]

Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong. My wish would be yes, in an ideal world it would be like a mother/daughter relationship. When you marry your dh is family so why not his mom? Traditionally the in law status is viewed as one that is fraught with difficulties. It isn't always that way though. When my dad married my mom her parents became just like his parents only better. My grandparents (mom's parents) loved him as much as their own son and daughter and vice versa. I saw it throughout my childhood and adulthood and it was real. OTOH, his parents disliked my mom (were jealous) and we had very little relationship with them. Sad but it was what it was and no matter how much you would like something to be true you cannot control other people.

So, my view is, how great would it be if your relationship with your in-laws could be as loving as the one you have with your own mom and dad. But in reality it just depends on the people involved. My relationship with my MIL started out filled with hardships and has progressed over the last decade plus to one that is better but still nowhere the relationship I have with my parents. However, my MIL really is not capable of that type of relationship anyway. She is not the warm and cuddly type and she raised her sons differently than we were raised.

You cannot force relationships and they grow with time. But it would be great if the potential of developing a real daughter/mother relationship existed and I do see that from time to time in some families (just like my mom's parents and my dad) and it is a heartwarming thing to see. The people involved in these relationships don't judge family based on blood but on love and that's what's it's all about IMO.

Amelia, not sure why your mom feels the need to start out relationships with her daughter in laws like that. Seems a bit hostile and at the very least not too welcoming. From my perspective at least.

 

[CrisM]

Shoulds are tricky since most people have their own version. If you can love someone (MIL, DIL, whomever) with admiration for their strengths and compassion for their faults, you will be closer than any label makes you. I know, this is easier said than done sometimes but it's usually worth the effort.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hm, I think I'm the poster who wrote that quote lol

I do feel a motherly relationship with my mil - it didn't happen immediately - she was a very close mother to her children, her husband had died when the two boys were very young, and she was in the habit of staying for many weeks at a time with her bachelor son wherever he lived! (he travelled a lot, all over the world, for work).

When I first arrived on the scene - and we became engaged quite quickly - I have to say it was obvious she was extremely jealous.
Word got back to my own mother about how upset she was that I had 'come between' her and her son.

DH was 35 years old when we become romantically involved and engaged...I suspect she was beginning to get very comfortable with the idea that she had him forever!!

So perhaps things didn't start out so well between us.

However, I have to say in many ways I have grown to prefer her to my own mother, eek. She is very fair-minded and has grown to accept me and love me as her own. She has supported me in a physical, practical way with my own children much more than my own mother.

I do quite like my mother, but she was never particularly maternal or supportive.

At the end of the day, if my mil had to make a choice between my husband and myself, I know she would side with her son....or more to the point, with our children...but she is more than aware of the challenges of marriage, and the challenges of my DH!

I love my mil and feel a daughter's responsibility regarding her wellbeing going into old age. As she had two sons, it is likely I shall be more directly hands on regarding her longer term care, in any case.

* Oops, wanted to edit and add that 'should' doesn't really work when it comes to any kind of human relationship, do you agree?
Maybe 'can' or 'it can be nice for' rather than 'should'.

 

[rosetta]

A big NO.

Why in the world should it be so?

No one can be equal to my parents in my eyes.

I like my inlaws a lot. They have accepted me with open arms.


BUT

They haven't looked after me since I was a baby, made so many sacrifices for decades, given me so much. my inlaws have their own daughter and they certainly love her more than me. And I think that's perfectly reasonable!

 

[zoebartlett]

Amelia, not sure why your mom feels the need to start out relationships with her daughter in laws like that. Seems a bit hostile and at the very least not too welcoming. From my perspective at least.

That's what I thought, too, when I read your post, Amelia.

 

[CJ2008]

No.

I think it's nice - and I think *both* sides should try - to have a good relationship, meaning that you respect and accept each other. Hopefully, you will also truly like enough about each other so that there's a genuine enjoyment of each other's company.

But I think relationships between people cannot be forced, or made to be a certain way. And sometimes people just don't like each other. Just because this other person becomes a part of your family doesn't mean you're automatically going to like them.

I think all that should be expected is that there's a genuine effort to get along, to be polite to be each other, to make each other feel accepted and welcomed. Anything over that is icing on the cake, and will happen naturally if it lends itself.

But *should* be just like a daughter? No.

 

[Skippy123]

Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong. My wish would be yes, in an ideal world it would be like a mother/daughter relationship.

So, my view is, how great would it be if your relationship with your in-laws could be as loving as the one you have with your own mom and dad. But in reality it just depends on the people involved.

You cannot force relationships and they grow with time. But it would be great if the potential of developing a real daughter/mother relationship existed and I do see that from time to time in some families (just like my mom's parents and my dad) and it is a heartwarming thing to see. The people involved in these relationships don't judge family based on blood but on love and that's what's it's all about IMO.

Amelia, not sure why your mom feels the need to start out relationships with her daughter in laws like that. Seems a bit hostile and at the very least not too welcoming. From my perspective at least.

Perfectly said!!! When I married my husband, his family was so different than my own family. My family is very warm, affectionate, and, speaks their mind; it still is an adjustment for me 16 years later. My in laws are very reserved, and do not speak their mind. It was hard for me not to get very much feedback. I just now am feel okay about my role

 

[erinl]

I guess a mil/dil relationship could be incredibly close, and like a mother/daughter relationship. But it depends on the type of mother/daughter relationship you have in the first place. My mother-- who died ten years--and I had an extraordinary relationship and as an adult she was the first person I would turn to for advice and support. My mom and my MIL are so different as people i cannot even entertain the idea of her being like a mother!

My MIL is generally caring and kind woman, and has shown her support to me in many ways over the years, but I would venture to say there is a lot said about my mothering, housekeeping, time management etc. So to expect my MIL to share/help me out as much as my mother did, she would have to know much more about what's going on in my life than I feel comfortable having dissected between herself and my SIL in particular. My MIL/SIL see each other every day and my MIL is an intrinsic part of the SIL's daily life. It has become more and more obvious over the years that my requests for help with my kids always come second to SIL's, so I don't feel I can depend on her.

Also, does anyone else find that they fight with their spouse about certain things and then see that they got that from their MIL? So complaining would definitely be seen as a personal criticism. Once I made a comment about how it drove me crazy that my husband put little tape tags on wine bottle listing the price. I can understand if there is a big price discrepancy, but all the bottle were 12 and under, so it was embarrassing to me. So the price range was a max of 4 dollars. So I mentioned it to my MIL as a joke, without realizing she did the same thing!

I think the time my MIL said I love you #### (my husband), I love you #### (my daughter) and bye Erin (me) it was pretty obvious whether she considered me a real daughter or not.

I will admit I have problems as I lost my mom before I got married-- my mom was much too young to go, and the hurt is constantly there. She would have been the best MIL and grandmother in the world. She was so excited about the idea, yet put no pressure on us to start our families. We found some things she had secretly put away for her grandkids and not one of us was even close to having kids when she died, so that hurts so much.

So when my mother in law pouts or sulks or says thing like "I don't want to be the poor grandma" in relation to her daughter's rich MIL I see red. I guess she can gloat that she is the "only" grandmother to my kids. I unfairly think in my head all the time that she is lucky to be alive and a grandmother to my kids, so grin and bear it. You are lucky lucky that you live 2 blocks away, and that I am the one that okayed us getting a house in the same zipcode. I let you see the kids, on your own, anytime you call and ask. I do everything to facilitate your relationship with my kids while feeling myself like the outsider.

And there have just been too many rude and insensitive things said in front of me that reference moms, that should not have been said in front of me. The worst was when my SIL, who was pregnant with a girl at the time, decided to read a letter her mom had written her in college, saying she wished one day she would have a daughter herself, because she had been such a joy to raise and how she couldn't wait to see her be a mother. Beautiful letter, certainly. But I had to choke backs tears. You know, my SIL was 35, much too old to not be able to sense how that was not something to read specifically to me, standing in her home as her mom helped her do everything to get ready to have her baby, something I would never have. Feeling like an outsider in a mom/daughter relationship but having all these obligations/expectations of spending so much time with them can be so difficult.

 

[missy]

Big hugs to you erini...I am so sorry about your mom not being here and how you are sometimes made to feel like the outsider. That is never a good feeling and I wish people could be more sensitive to the feelings of others...Biggest hugs.

Skippy- same here. My MIL never shares her feelings. You have to guess. In fact, that was how she raised her sons. No one spoke about what was real. It was all pushed under the proverbial rug. Thank goodness my dh grew emotionally on his own and with some help. But none from his mom that's for sure. I do owe her a lot though as she managed to raise him to be an amazing adult in so many ways and fortunately his emotional IQ didn't suffer too much. That is what life experience as an adult is for I guess!

 

[iLander]

No, I think she should be polite, even friendly. She's entering into a family, though, and that's an intimate relationship among a group of people. So she and the MIL should be more friendly than acquaintances or co-workers, but not like BFF's or daughters/mothers.

There is concern for the well-being of the family unit as a whole, which is why the MIL may offer advice, but the DIL has to maintain her little corner of the family and is under no obligation to pay attention to that advice. Polite refusal is fine, and should be understood on all sides.

DIL should not take everything MIL does/says too seriously, and DIL should understand MIL is just a person, like herself, and not make a big deal out of every little thing. MIL should do the same for DIL.

I think both sides need to take things in a relaxed fashion and not fall for the stereotypes that are out there.

 

[erinl]

Thanks Missy-

I don't want to derail the thread, but MIL/DIL relationships cane be so complicated. I imagine I could be much more involved in the "fold" as it were, but my MIL/DIL (and my husband at times) are very rigid and insistent about doing things "their" way. So i feel I have to distance and maybe "rebel" to be able to do things a bit like my mom did with us when we were growing up. Since she is gone, mothering in a certain way or handling holidays etc in a certain way is the best/only way I know to honor and be close to my mom, and I feel like this is constantly challenged.

Thanksgiving is always a sore point for me. It was always a special holiday to me, maybe more so than Christmas. The food always tasted a certain way. my mom's whole side of the family got together etc. From the time I started dating my husband, I was expected to go to their thanksgiving, as according to my SIL, "where else do you have to go?". This sounds silly, but thanksgiving dinner was so different than mine, the turkey, the stuffing is totally different etc. Once year I offered to bring stuffing over (in addition to the meat based one made by MIL) and my MIL abruptly said no, we don't eat that kind of stuffing. I offered to bring a pumpkin pie and again, I as told they only get it from a specific bakery. That really hurt and p####d me off. I thought to myself "It must be so nice to be able to have everything exactly the way you want it."

So I am the oldest in my family and the only one with a house. After this shutdown I told my husband, that we were hosting thanksgiving later that evening at our house afterwards, where we could do stuffing and turkey and canned cranberry and all the other things the way I remembered, and for my family-- my siblings, none of whom really had a set place to go. Don't you know, we get a call from my SIL chewing us up for not inviting MIL over for that dinner, as she lives two blocks away and she shouldn't be alone--this is the same day that she will have both her kids, spouses, and grandkids over in her house with dinner exactly as she wants it! However, SIL and her husband were going out to his mom's and there was no expectation that she be invited to that. Its as if since my mom is gone I don't deserve my own family and those traditions.

 

[missy]

Erini, I totally understand how you are feeling. Especially because your siblings have no place of their own to go and your mom is not there- I love the idea that you can carry on the Thanksgiving tradition!

For me, thanksgiving also feels more special than Christmas/Hannukah and it is the holiday we host. That was a bit of a struggle as well because my dh's family (he has 2 brothers/2 SIL's and his mom) always celebrates it in Chicago with the middle brother and in the beginning they had expected my dh and I to fly there and celebrate with them. No question about it. That's the way it always was and just because I came into the picture nothing should change because I did not matter. The thing is, when I first came into the family I was treated terribly by his mom, middle brother and SIL (The SIL was really nasty to me and I think contributed to my MIL's behavior towards me as well and I now understand why and feel sorry for my SIL-my anger is gone but still dislike her intensely) so there was no way I was going to celebrate with them. My favorite holiday was going to be celebrated with those I love- my parents, my sister, my nieces. And they all love my dh very much so it is a good positive environment.

Don't let your dh's family let you feel less than good about the holidays. They are for you and your dh to make your own- traditions and all. Holidays should be spent with those who love and accept you and make you feel welcome and good about yourself. You deserve that and should not accept anything less. I have no tolerance for those who think it is OK to steamroll over one's feelings and not be accepting and sensitive of you as an individual. Just because they outnumber you doesn't mean their feelings/thoughts are more valid than yours.

You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

 

[LaraOnline]

I'm so sorry Erin. No doubt your own family experiences and the tragic loss of your mum leads you to emotional 'trigger points' that your MIL is obviously completely unaware of. Unfortunately, I feel the very basic human emotions - fear of loss, fear of change - can make it very difficult for M'sIL to adapt or be as welcoming as they possibly could or even *should* (there's that word again!) when a family marriage happens.

I might sound terribly Catholic, but marriage is really the joining of two families...I can remember when my DH called his mother to announce our engagement - he introduced it all by saying that she now had a daughter lol! Then he passed the phone to me. I have to say she didn't sound terribly convinced!!
And for my part, I was terrified of just what influence she might exert over her son. But it all came good.

Praps it's a lot harder for you, Erin, as you live very close by your in-laws. My trick of imagining how you want them to be - responding to any hint of kindness or connection from them - can be a good way of putting them in a good light, in your head, and then setting the relationship up for better things to happen over time!
Maybe your mil wants to be closer (did she have a little whinge to your sil about not being invited to your party?). But it seems she is either quite buttoned up or has loads of her own 'little issues' that prevent her from being open about her desire to be closer not just to you but to the family as a whole. She resents you as a gatekeeper to her son? Would be extremely common I imagine (not in that place yet, as my own son is just 6!! My husband assures me I shall find out!!)

Well, your mil has to learn how to play nice! Or nicer! And perhaps, over time, she can learn.

 

[erinl]

Missy--

I commiserate about the SIL issues-- I think my MIL and I would have a closer relationship were in not for how my SIL acts. She has the closest relationship with her mother, yet somehow feels threatened and goes out of the way to make sure she is favored.

For some time my sister--for various reasons--needed a place to stay/live. If our mom were around, that is where she would have stayed. Father and new wife were definitely not an option, so she stayed with us. It was not a happy time for my sister, and I doubt she would have chosen to stay with us if given other options. SIL seemed threatened by this, and seemed really p####d off by some perceived issue with us not inviting her family over. She basically said something to my husband about her "shutting us out" if we didn't get invited over. So we did invite her whole family over for lunch and they seemed miserable and like they hated being there. It didn't do much to fix things, and I still dont understand what was going on. I always have my MIL see my kids (often once a week, sometimes every other week), and I know that my SIL comes over just about every time and has lunch with MIL, her kids and my kids (MIL picks times to see grandkids when SIL is available to be sure). She sometimes takes the kids over to her house without telling me first (which I have never complained about), so its not like she doesn't spend tons of time with her niece and nephew. We are not close and my husband and she are not close and he works all the time, so I am not sure what she is missing out on?

I constantly try to put myself in their shoes and try to rehash interactions in which I may have done something that would upset them. There are always two sides, and I am sure I have said/done things that were perceived as rude.

 

[Laila619]

It all depends on the parties involved and the circumstances. I know some people who met their spouses in high school, and so they grew up knowing their in-laws...they have great and close relationships with their in-laws today and they are like second parents to them. Everyone's different though. Some people just don't click with their in-laws.

 

[Haven]

It all depends on the parties involved and the circumstances. I know some people who met their spouses in high school, and so they grew up knowing their in-laws...they have great and close relationships with their in-laws today and they are like second parents to them. Everyone's different though. Some people just don't click with their in-laws.

I agree. I think the relationship *should* be whatever is most comfortable for both parties.

I never met my MIL, she died just under two years before I met DH. But I have a FIL, and it took many years for us to become close. I call him "Dad" because that's what they do in DH's family, and I'm comfortable with that. But we do not have a father/daughter relationship, and we're both fine with that.

I think problems arise in these relationships when one or both parties bring rigid expectations about how the relationship should be. I know everyone says that spouses marry the entire family, but from what I see in many American families these days, that really isn't so much case--many times a couple only spends major holidays or events with the in-laws, and that is little time to truly develop a deep relationship. My family is a bit more old world, and we spend quite a bit of time together, but if we only saw each other on holidays and to celebrate events such as birthdays, etc., or if we lived OOT, I wouldn't really feel like I had all that much time to "become" a part of DH's family.

 

[AmeliaG]

Lots of good replies everybody.

Before I forget, I would like to reach out to you, Erin'i, for I too lost my mother too young and its a pain I feel every day. Sure enough we had our personality conflicts but it was reassuring to know that she was always on my side.

People who haven't gone through this don't understand though, even my best friend who knows and loves me better than most. She once said something to her mother in my presence about being thankful that her mom can have a great relationship with my BFF's children. That hurt, but in my BFF's defense, she realized shortly after and felt terrible about it. It still hurt.

 

[AmeliaG]

Amelia, not sure why your mom feels the need to start out relationships with her daughter in laws like that. Seems a bit hostile and at the very least not too welcoming. From my perspective at least.

That's what I thought, too, when I read your post, Amelia.

Zoe and missy, It's difficult to say except that she didn't want her ILs to take it personally when she didn't seem friendly and welcoming. It had nothing to do with them. That was the way she was. More directly though, she inherited this tendency from her mother my grandmother and grandma forgot to mention this to her ILs and my uncle got very hurt and thought she didn't like him. Nothing could be further than the truth. They later became very close.he was wonderful, like a teddy bear.

My BIL was taken aback at first but he and mom developed a warm relationship. I daresay that he developed a closer relationship to my mom than he did with his mom. His mom had 11 children and was quite overwhelmed.

OTOH my SIL and mom would not like each other normally so it wouldn't have made a difference if she hadn't told her. My SIL at her best is too passive aggressive for my mom's liking so they never developed a close relationship. Both were pushy and stubborn in their own way but they didn't like each other's way of being pushy.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am a mother-in-law who welcomed my son-in-law as a new son. Naturally there is no way to love a child's spouse to the degree you love your own children, but I make sure we spend as much on his gifts as we do our children and that kind of visible thing. I do not have a daughter-in-law, but I certainly would not expect that her relationship with me would be just like with her mother! I think that is a stretch to even think that is possible. But I would hope to have a loving, respectful relationship with the spouses of any of my children. And if one of my kids was the one at fault in a serious situation such as an affair (which I hope would never happen), I would still love them unconditionally, but I certainly wouldn't take their side. That is ridiculous.

 

[AmeliaG]

I also wanted to comment on the idea that when a couple marry, it is a joining of two families (LaraOnline, I apologize for taking another of your statements. You just have a way of getting to the heart of the matter.) or a DIL is entering into her son's family. Our family had such different norms that it Is not even funny and although they seem cold, I cannot throw them off.

My mom definitely didn't believe in that and I'm having trouble too. Mind you, I've developed a close relationship with my SILs parents but that was totally unexpected.

I'm wondering if a lot of misunderstandings between ILs is that the MIL and DIL/SIL come into things with totally different expectations of how their relationship should work. For example, if you believe that with a marriage, two families are joined, it must be hard to find a common ground with an IL who doesn't. Or if you, as a MIL, have the expectation that your new DIL is joining your family and she doesn't see the need to be anything but polite and try to work smoothly with you the same as she would a not so close co-worker, there are a lot of opportunities for misunderstandings.

Just musing here because I think that the source of a LOT of misunderstanding comes from not knowing the assumptions/beliefs the other person has regarding IL relationships and if we knew that, we wouldn't necessarily agree but we would understand each other more.

 

[distracts]

I think no - but also that the relationship can develop. My paternal grandparents treat their DILs (they had only sons, so their in-law children are all DILs) as their own children, but their DILs have been part of the family for between 30 and 50 years (depending on the marriage), which I think is plenty of time for a truly familial relationship to establish itself. The relationships were definitely not that close when I was a small child. But also, we all live in the same city and the entire family gets together for every major holiday, and most of the sub-families see each other at least once a month outside of that, so we're more close-knit than most... which is because everyone is fun and easy to get along with, which probably helps things a lot. My fiance is always amazed by how welcoming my family is. I dunno, they're just nice people.

 

[jstarfireb]

I like my inlaws...a lot. They're wonderful, warm, caring people. But they are not my parents. I think treating inlaws like a new set of parents trivializes the sacrifices your REAL parents have made, the unending love they have provided you with. It creeps me out a bit when people start calling their inlaws Mom and Dad. My SIL does it to my inlaws and half the time they don't respond. Their brains simply don't compute that when her voice is saying, 'Mum!' or 'Dad!' that she's actually talking to THEM.

So no, I don't think a DIL is a new daughter. She's your son's wife, no more and no less. If they were to divorce, she would not remain your daughter - a title that is irrevocable when legitimate. She may still be your friend, but not your daughter.

You took the words right out of my mouth! Couldn't have said it better. This is a particularly interesting subject for me since my MIL wants me to call her "mom" and I just don't feel comfortable doing that. She's nice and generous to us and we get along well, but she's not the woman who gave birth to me and raised me. Perhaps my experiences are colored by the rocky relationship my mom had with her MIL (i.e. my grandmother), who was a bit off her rocker and we all knew it.

As some people pointed out, "should" probably isn't the best choice of words when human relationships are considered. For me, the answer to the "should" question is a definite and resounding no. For others, perhaps.

 

[PintoBean]

Maybe over time.

I don't call my in-laws mom and dad, but I DO call them "mama last name" and "papa last name" and we all giggle about it. hubby's SIL calls them by their first names.

Right now, in my MIL's eyes, my husband can do no wrong. That can be annoying. However, she would never criticize any of her DILs. I admire her for that. Then again, I don't know how she is with her daughter behind closed doors. I get the feeling that MIL and FIL are the type of people who will present other viewpoints to their daughter, but not force the issue upon her. So maybe that's just how they are as parents.

My parents are uber critical of me, esp. since I'm an only child. However, they go out of their way to be kind and considerate to my hubby b/c they want to build a relationship with him. For example, if they know he is coming by, they make sure to buy his favorite foods to send him home with. If I ask my mom, "what about me?", her response is, "You're an adult, you can go fend for yourself!" If hubby spends a $1 on my mom, she will give back $2.

If and when I am a MIL, I will definitely be like my mom and be extra kind to the DIL/SIL in hopes of getting them into the family fold. I also hope to be able to take the high ground like my MIL if I disagree with my DIL/SIL and let DIL/SIL and my child make decisions as they should as their own family unit.

Who am I kidding? I'll probably be a neurotic control freak MIL that meddles in everything I shouldn't and driving everyone nuts!

 

[AmeliaG]

My parents are uber critical of me, esp. since I'm an only child. However, they go out of their way to be kind and considerate to my hubby b/c they want to build a relationship with him. For example, if they know he is coming by, they make sure to buy his favorite foods to send him home with. If I ask my mom, "what about me?", her response is, "You're an adult, you can go fend for yourself!" If hubby spends a $1 on my mom, she will give back $2.

That would annoy the hell out of me. If my mom did this, she may think she is building a relationship with her SIL but she would be really be breaking down the relationship with me, her daughter.

Not that I have to worry about that now, but still!