discombobulated

[Cehrabehra]

thank you Gayle

 

[Imdanny]

Thank you.

 

[Imdanny]

Sara, I've decided to give myself permission to be an eccentric, to the extent possible. As you know, the US culture is one which values conformity and veering away from conformity is not easy. But I think I'm getting so over people who are so thoughtless, so rude, so mean, and just so stoopid, who don't know me, don't want to know me, and who could never know me, that I think I'm going to try to be more bombastically inappropriate when confronted with their pettiness. I know that's kind of a Grinch like thought, but it's my thought du jour, just the same. I had a particularly "Soup Nazi" experience today that I didn't deserve at all and it just made me pissed. Just some food for thought.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think accepting your eccentricities is a good thing. Own it. We may not be the status people that are first on the minds of others, but we are the ones that make life interesting, amusing, and colorful. But be careful outside of your own authenticity, to act out of spite. It won't help you in the long run. Being more forthcoming to people letting them know how you feel is good though.

Maybe I don't quite understand the situation, can you tell your story?

I spent the first half of my life trying really hard to fit in. In early grade school my intelligence made it very difficult to relate to children and I tended to look down on almost every peer. I was constantly frustrated with their inability to play at my thinking level and it made me angry when they said I was stupid just because they didn't understand. I tended to hang out with the teachers. Later the other kids started to to get more lucid, more aware, and things were easier, but there was a constant reminder that I wasn't like everyone else and that I viewed the world in a strange way relative to my peers. I hit my physical peak in high school and I used that to infiltrate the "best" cliques. I would see one that I thought had the most popular people, maybe more interesting, and I would use my looks and intelligence to play the game and get into the inner circle, and once there realized th people were usually not all that. THE most popular people were not the funniest, the wittiest, the smartest, at the center of almost every group was someone who was super sweet and kinda dumb but pretty or handsome and very flattering to others, or someone good at manipulation through derision. The most popular circles were filled with the worst people. By my senior year I had realized that the fringe groups were filled with the most interesting people and I was pretty openly disdainful of the popular idiots and I'm sure there was a lot of what happened to her? She used to be one of us! But the truth is I really never was. I felt like I acted through high school so that I could fit in. All my life there was constant pressure to conform and no matter how I tried, on the inside it was impossible and just felt like wearing a Halloween mask that didn't fit well. In college people start coming into their own and as an adult I have been able to let the outer mask and inner self match. My peers are far more able to discuss the concept of reality now, and far more understanding that there are many different ways to view the world. I think the goal is authenticity. Having the inside and outside match, for me anyway, society be damned. Ironically, I am more liked being truly myself, but I have to give credit to the maturation of my peers. There are still people who don't like me, will never embrace outside the norm, and there are some i still cannot stand who are still living in a narrow judgemental world, but I find that my life now is surrounded by so many amazing people... Well not so much here in china, for some reason the small community is like being in high school again. It is palpable. Eerie even. The peer pressure is ridiculous. There was a holiday toga party last week where 40 year old parents lived out animal house complete with beer bong. I thought I left that 20 years ago. WTF?

Anyway, long boring saga is over now lol

 

[Imdanny]

Sara, where to begin.

As a "pretty" boy in a working class family, both attracting attention, and repulsing people by the cultural unacceptability of being who I was, combined with a working class father with whom I had nothing in common, combined with being freakishly intelligent. Well, you get the picture. It was a lot of of drama, and a lot of misery.

I was never a "popular" kid until I got to college, all of my awkwardness disappeared (for three years, alas) and I become the most, and I mean the most popular gay student at my small liberal arts college. It was like sitting on the top of of a mountain, with all of these people rushing at me, and I was thinking, "Whoa, huh?" I had no way to deal with it but to kind of let it happen, while actually doing nothing, rejecting many people (it was so absurd). I was lucky to find Mr. Right, the one with whom I was compatible. The one your mother would have warned you about, if she had been thinking so far ahead. We started living together sometime after college and we've been together 16 years. We've had some rough times and some great times. He's definitely "the one."

Then, life's roller coaster took another nosedive. I had relied on my intelligence in academic circles, on my looks, and on my charm. After college, I found that I had no actual way of relating to the way "normal" people live. I couldn't continue on and go to law school or grad school like my peers. I was socially awkward to the point that I couldn't hold even menial jobs for long. I had bouts with depression and even moments of cognitive impairment. It eventually became clear that all those things one is supposed to do like I get a "career" job, get a mortgage, live a life devoted to retirement planning, I couldn't do. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (2 but the truth is it's 1- long story). This made me quite a failure and a burden to those who loved me.

I went through a dark period of two years, six months of which I was homeless and two years of which I lived in abject poverty.

I pulled myself together, I held onto my relationship, I used every once of survival skill I had in me, and I rejoined the middle class.

Life isn't the same as it used to be, but I came through the hard times. I know that today there are many people in situations like the one I was in. I know that many of them will never escape it. I feel for them and I'm grateful for every single thing I have in life.

This may or may not be more than you wanted to know, but I've made a conscious decision to be more open on the internet, the way the internet used to be. Maybe people will judge me, but if they do, that's ok, because that will be their problem. Maybe someone can learn from my experience. This is my hope.

 

[Cehrabehra]

well if it helps to have just one person who doesn't condemn you, that will help right? Pretty sure you have more than one Interesting that despite our social awkwardness we're both in very long term relationships while so many more socially progressive people struggle with that. How is your relationship with your parents?

I think one of the things that makes me look weird to others is that I not only see outside the box, in some ways I live outside the box. Like for example - my husband and I when we were 7 and 9 looked at the joy of sex and tried to do the things in there... well in the box the thinking is horror - children that age doing things, there must be a perpetrator or its evil or just bad... but I can't look back on that in any way as bad or even weird - I married the guy!!! You know? And as a parent if my children were to get caught doing something like that it would be a horrible conflict because half of me would want to tow the party line of that's wrong don't do that it's bad you're too young blah blah blah, but another part of me *remembers* what it was like, just a pure innocent exploration, there was nothing "wrong" with it other than what society says. That's one example of where I struggle to conform, and mostly do, but my thoughts are far more natural and less constrained. It could be said that I would not be worried about what the children had done but what the other parents thought of ME for having a child who would do such a thing.

My early childhood was weird. I was born living in a beauty salon in san francisco, my parents owned it and when you hit reception to the left was our living room which served as a waiting room (and beyond were the private rooms) and to the left was the salon. I learned to crawl amongst hair lol My father was a complete stoner getting a masters in art, the parties they had were interesting and I was the star. When they divorced my father became the guy who took me backpacking and hiking around the western us and my mom became a late 70's disco diva living the single life. So many of my friends had very conventional lives and mine was anything but. I guess I was born outside the box but was told I was in the wrong place all my life. Pfft, I've been in the box and there's a lot of show in there.

I didn't know you were BP and I don't know the difference between 1 and 2 (is it cycle length?). Reading about your glory days and fall was interesting, I kind of had the same sorta... I was probably narcissistic at one point, extremely vain, and eventually I was just thoroughly disgusted with myself for playing along and toppled myself in a way that I haven't recovered. I based my self esteem on my looks and intelligence because I took way too much to heart the criticisms in my life, believed I was better than everyone else AND unworthy of love or attention simultaneously. My husband loves me. He says he married me because life would never be boring... but I dunno how much I love myself, it's still a struggle. It's not really a self loathing.. it's more like when someone posted "is your body your temple?" and my silent response was yes, I believe that, but no one has worshiped there in a long time...

 

[Imdanny]

Your last sentences made me want to reach out to you and give you a virtual hug, Sara.

My relationship with my parents is great. My relationship with my mother had some ups and downs after my brother got into a serious car accident when he was 16. He's fully recovered, married, has a kid, he's done great. But that time was stressful for the entire family. My father and I didn't used to get along but all that's changed now and we talk on the phone every once in a while and we truly enjoy that. I never thought that would be possible. I can call my mother (and vise versa) any time and can talk about anything. I get along with my entire family other than my scrooge uncle (see other thread-lol).

BP 1 and 2 are similar in that each has a major depressive state. The difference is BP 2 has a (not technical word) "below" manic cycle. BP 1 has the same major depressive state and episodes of full blown mania. That only happened to me once, and it was diagnosed as BP 2. Psychiatrists can be so dishonest, and so full of themselves. It's sad when a person with a BA can read the diagnostic manual and correct their work. But there it is. I see my GP regularly and take medication now and I'm doing fine.

Having a partner is just something that comes easily to me. I've always been "popular" that way. LOL. Relationships (and particularly commitments) aren't easy but it's the way I was raised; it's just part of my life.

I'm glad you started this thread. Great title. Interesting discussion. Thanks.

 

[Gayletmom]

I'm following this thread and am touched by your willingness to share such intimate, personal details.

Danny, I'm interested to read your brief autobiography. I have a 14 year old son who is not like the other kids. He's very bright, almost genius level, often bored in school, and not interested in conforming. He recently left a small private school where he had good friends and he was well loved to go to our large public high school. His reasoning was that he wants to go to school "where there are some people who think like I do". I had no idea that you have been through such trials and lived in poverty and homelessness. I'm sure that experience must have significantly shaped the rest of your life. I'm glad to know that you have strong family relationships and a terrific partner.

Sara, I remember that feeling in high school of looking at the cliques and "best" crowds and thinking what a ridiculous fraud it all was. No wonder you are feeling "discombobulated" in China-high school all over sounds miserable. I've been impressed by the courage and strength that it must take to make such a drastic move. I noted your comment that no one had "worshipped" in a long time and I'm not sure whether you meant physically or spiritually but it struck me as significant. I find it so important, particularly in trying circumstances and caring for children, to take care of my body and my soul. Even if I just find little scraps of time or energy here and there, I really benefit from doing things that make me feel loved.

Anyway, I'm wowed by the self reflective capacity you both share. For me, it's a marker of true mental health and a quality that results in real resiliance. Hugs to you both.

 

[Imdanny]

No wonder you are feeling "discombobulated" in China-high school all over sounds miserable.


Anyway, I'm wowed by the self reflective capacity you both share. For me, it's a marker of true mental health and a quality that results in real resiliance. Hugs to you both.

Gayle, your kind words made my day! Thank you. Hugs to you.

I also want to echo what you wrote to Sara as I am remiss for not mentioning it. That does sound miserable.