comments about my weight

[Begonia]

I was reading Kenny's thread about banning too skinny models. It got me thinking about something that been rubbing me the wrong way since my teens, and I didn't want to threadjack.

For most of my life, my BMI has been below 18.5. Now that I am in my 40's, it is just 18.5 (from what I can tell by the chart).

People in my life (friends and mere acquaintances) have always felt it acceptable to comment on my weight. Sometimes it is just that, a comment that I am slender (I prefer slender over skinny as the reference is always "oh you're so skinny"). At other times, it crosses my line of acceptable. For instance: "Oh you're so skinny, do you eat?", "Oh you're so skinny, so you deny yourself XYZ?". Just for the record, I don't look dangerously thin, so I don't feel these comments come from a place of concern. Concern I can totally relate to and encourage.

What makes it alright to comment about my weight? I would never dream of discussing my one friends weight to her, which is, by my calculation around 225-240 lbs.

The irony is I do eat. I eat all day. Small meals of nutrient-dense food. I also exercise and avoid empty calories (not always successfully).

Just sayin'
and
Wonderin' if anyone else can relate to this?

 

[ericad]

Begonia, it's definitely NOT ok for people to say such rude things to you.

I will say that I've always struggled with weight and have a tendency to be slightly thicker than I'd like. And anytime I've ever had an unkind thought towards someone thin (but I'd never in a million years comment on someone's weight!), I've had to stop and examine my motivations and it's always coming from a place of jealousy - because what's so difficult for me seems to come so easily to others (though I know it's also no picnic for those who want but can't gain weight.) I do have have personal body image issues - always have had.

Perhaps knowing that people may be envious of your natural thinness can help ease the hurtfulness of those comments. Frankly, there are just tactless people in the world...

How many people have heard "Are those real?" "Don't you eat anything?" "Is that a real diamond?" "Oh, you're a "working" mom?"

Some people just have no brain to mouth filter.

 

[kenny]

I neeeeeeeeever comment on anyone's weight, man or woman.

Even if someone is clearly happy that they've lost weight and asks, "How do I look?" I'll say something like, "Oh, you always look great."

My SO has serious weight issues and his weight goes up and down drastically.
Even to him I never comment on the subject.

 

[Begonia]

I hear ya ericad.

Kenny's thread did bring up the thought that fashion does make a lot of females (old and young) feel like we should all look like that (or a version of that).

Some of the comments do seem to come from a place of pain and frustration (ergo the jealousy).

You know, we are all given something though aren't we? Some of my friends have the most beautiful skin, or perfect Cleopatra curls, or very engaging freckles. That's what I see with my lady friends. After their mental gifts of course (like kindness, honesty, intelligence, humor), I see that physical feature that makes them stand out. My older sister is always gadding on about her big nose. Now she did inherit Dads side of the family's nose, but she also had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. True emerald green with reddy brown flecks. That's what the rest of us see...

 

[Begonia]

I neeeeeeeeever comment on anyone's weight, man or woman.

Even if someone is clearly happy that they've lost weight and asks, "How do I look?" I'll say something like, "Oh, you always look great."

My SO has serious weight issues and his weight goes up and down drastically.
Even to him I never comment on the subject.

I think that's wise. We, as a society, spend a whole lot of time and emotional energy discussing weight (says the lady who posted this thread ).

 

[Enerchi]

The hardest thing is to accept that we are what we are... and be happy with it. Each end of the weight spectrum seems to wish they were on the other side! you know... "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" kind of thing

Society/media push thinness as being the ideal. I think the ideal should be a healthy 'fighting weight' for your own body. If you are healthy, no medical issues, are aware of your bad habits and can try to modify as much as possible - it's all good. Even the 'perfect' bodies in magazines are photoshopped - there really are very few perfect people on the planet.

Ideally, accepting all of us as the unique people we are, would be wonderful... but as Begonia pointed out, that's not always the case and the lack of a filter system on some individuals, is incredulous! People are consumed and obsessed by anyone that is different.

 

[susief]

People find it acceptable to comment on things that society as a whole considers desirable.

You can call someone too thin, too rich, too clever, and too youthful.

I'm not saying it's right. But I'd keep perspective on it.

For what it's worth, my BMI is 17.5 so I get the comments all the time. I shrug them off. If that's the biggest problem I have to deal with, I'm lucky.

 

[slg47]

begonia I agree-my mom is thin and hears comments like that all the time. I am not sure why people think it is OK to comment on the weight of thin people.

 

[iheartscience]

I was actually made fun of constantly in middle school and high school for being so thin, so I feel you! I still get strange comments from time to time, and I'm not even close to as thin I was! A coworker saw me heating up left over pad Thai for lunch a few months ago and was like "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE SO THIN. YOU SHOULD WEIGH 500 POUNDS." Ummmm I don't eat pad Thai for every meal, and I exercise, but thanks?

 

[Tanzigrrl]

I was always rail thin. I ate constantly, I was just thin. No disease, no disorder. Just thin. Everyone thought they had a right to comment. Now, most of the time people said nice things, but I definitely got my share of "you must be anorexic" comments.

When I reached my 30s, I finally put on weight. I'm now 5'4" -ish, maybe 5'5" and about 125. I look completely normal and average and no one says a thing. It's nice.

 

[Begonia]

Middle School was when it started for me too.

I used to be rail thin, but after the kids I put on a few pounds. My peers have put on quite a bit of weight, so for my age, I'm thought of as very slender now. Perhaps because of the stage of life I, and my peers are at, this invites the comments. I don't know.

Most days I am fine with it, but once you get a bit tired or whatnot, I can be velcro-girl .

Like others have said, the comments sometimes have quite a bit of negative energy attached to them. You have to shrug really hard. Don't get me wrong here, It's not affecting my life too much, I just thought of it when I read Kenny's thread.

I once went to a comedy show. One of the comediennes was very heavy, overweight really. Most of her routine was poking fun at "those skinny bitches". It went on and on and on. I didn't laugh much, as I don't like referring to people that way (bitch, but "skinny" ticks me off too). I wonder if the routine would go on like that if it were poking fun at "fat bitches"? Maybe I just haven't heard that routine by a skinny comedienne. There likely is one. Nothing is off limits with comedy I guess.

Food for thought.

 

[Porridge]

Eh, they're just jealous. You keep doing what you do. Haters goan hate.

 

[yennyfire]

When I was in college, a good friend of mine was "slender" (aka skinny) and when we first became friends, I commented "you're so lucky to be thin and eat like you do"...she responded that she wished she weighed more and was always trying to gain weight. I was struggling with the dreaded "freshman 15" at the time and it had never occured to me that it could be as hard to gain weight as it was to lose it. Most average weight/overweight people don't even contemplate that gaining weight can be as much of an issue as losing...

Of course, there are also those people who ARE jealous (and I'll admit that I have some friends who just have enviably fast metabolisms that I envy)....but really, sometimes people are just cluless!

 

[chemgirl]

Middle School was when it started for me too.

I used to be rail thin, but after the kids I put on a few pounds. My peers have put on quite a bit of weight, so for my age, I'm thought of as very slender now. Perhaps because of the stage of life I, and my peers are at, this invites the comments. I don't know.

Most days I am fine with it, but once you get a bit tired or whatnot, I can be velcro-girl .

Like others have said, the comments sometimes have quite a bit of negative energy attached to them. You have to shrug really hard. Don't get me wrong here, It's not affecting my life too much, I just thought of it when I read Kenny's thread.

I once went to a comedy show. One of the comediennes was very heavy, overweight really. Most of her routine was poking fun at "those skinny bitches". It went on and on and on. I didn't laugh much, as I don't like referring to people that way (bitch, but "skinny" ticks me off too). I wonder if the routine would go on like that if it were poking fun at "fat bitches"? Maybe I just haven't heard that routine by a skinny comedienne. There likely is one. Nothing is off limits with comedy I guess.

Food for thought.

My husband's step-mother called me that the other weekend....repeatedly....in front of the neighbours....

She'd had a few too many drinks and didn't take well to the McDonald's cup in my car. I'm very tall and have a small frame so I've always been thin. People at school used to call me "Skeletore" so that sorta says it all. Anyway, when I asked my husband if I could call her "fat bitch" or "drunk bitch" he was horrified. Apparently those are insults while skinny bitch is really a compliment. He did talk to her and she was pretty surprised that I was offended.

Its frustrating.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

My colleague said to me the other day--"for god sakes, can't you gain some weight".....hahahahaha? I respect and adore her, she is a lovely lady. It was a "joke". I winked back.....

But what if I said--the reverse, to her? (by medical definition, she is obese....). It would not be FUNNY or a joke or "acceptable" under any circumstance......

This issue has been raised before on PS--but I don't recall the impetus for that thread...

cheers--Sharon

 

[that_someone_special]

The only persons weight that I comment on is my mothers. She has a BMI of 18 or less.

She always says shit like, "Oh these fat thighs..." or "I can't button my jeans!" She told me she was "obese" once. I did the math and she was a bmi of 19. HA!

I'll say things like "Whatever, skinny" and "omg, you're so tiny!" She hates it and says I'm picking on her. No, but she IS tiny but apparently she feels fat all of the time. I doubt calling her fatty would help. I've tried to stop it, but honestly? In my mind, I don't think of "skinny" as an insult. It's a compliment (from me, to my mom). But, then again, I'm overweight, so it shouldn't matter how I think I'm saying something- she doesn't like it. So I should stop! I try- really.

Honestly, if someone says something, just tell them that it makes you uncomfortable- like they are saying it's a bad thing.

I really think it's your friends way of saying she wishes she were that skinny and that you look GOOD for how much you eat

 

[that_someone_special]

OK, also, let me put it this way, I WISH someone would call me skinny bitch

 

[Amys Bling]

I feel you pain begonia- we are in the same boat

 

[kenny]

I feel you pain begonia- we are in the same boat

Me too.
My BMI's probably over 30 so I love all these comments how BMI is BS.
Let's just hope this boat don't sink.
Now let's all just sit very still.

 

[JewelFreak]

It is rude to comment on someone's appearance -- even complimentary, I've read. When people mention thinness, I think it comes from their own struggles to attain it -- and it's constantly drummed into us how desirable slenderness is, they don't stop to realize they're offending you. It makes you feel like an object, not a person. Miss Manners suggests people respond with, "You're kind to be concerned about me, I'm fine. Now tell me about you." Shuts 'em up.

The other side of the coin annoys me no end. Whether I'm overweight or not -- I'm up & down -- some people greet me every time they see me with, "Have you lost weight?" Usually in the middle of a crowd, so I'm suddenly the center of attention as I think about my spare tire & reply that I weigh the same as last time they saw me. I JUST HATE IT. Have decided they have the illusion they're making a tubby person feel good. Not! I never say anything about how anyone looks, ever. They have mirrors. I don't care how they appear anyhow, but about who they are.

--- Laurie

 

[missy]

So rude. It is not OK to comment on someone's weight. I hate it when people comment on appearance in general. I have rosacea and sometimes I flush and I have gotten comments like oh, you got some sun this weekend or are you hot? I really really hate that.
Depending on how I am feeling and who it is who is saying it I might try to educate them about rosacea.

There are also people (who are almost always not thin) who comment on my weight as in oh, do you ever eat? How do you stay so thin? (In which case I answer them because they could be genuinely looking for tips on how to get healthier) And I'm not even so thin anymore- I'm a perfect weight as per my doctor and the way I feel.

For the most part I don't think people are trying to be offensive. They just don't think.

 

[Black Jade]

It is very rude to pick on people about their size and I am sorry that the original poster (and some others) have to deal with this.

Perhaps you should think of a good comeback, since this happens. (And I know it does. I have seen it happen to people).

I know its no comfort that the whole issue is just that people that feel bad about themselves want to make sure that others (who have something they want) feel bad too.

I am exactly normal weight with a BMI of 22.7 and have been for some time. I did used to be heavy just after my kids were born (BMI 28 or so) but went to overeaters anonymous which is a great program for helping you to eat healthy and look at the issues behind your eating. anyway, it worked for me--about 25 years now--

I have never been 'skinny'--but was, truthfully, never heavy either, except for about three years when I had my first two pregnancies. What is ridiculous is that I really believed I was heavy for many years because society is so crazy. Even though I had other role models (my mom is from a foreign country where being very overweight is looked upon as being a good thing for a woman), I used to be upset and dieting all the time--because I had a BMI of 22.7, just like now. At that time, in the 70's, the average young woman had a BMI of 18-19 so I thought I was fat. I was TOLD I was fat a lot. As in, you need to lose a little weight, like 5 or 10 pounds.

It is ridiculous to me that I get called 'skinny' 'tiny' 'petite' and such words nowadays--at exactly the same weight I was then. It would be funny (having been called 'fat' before, I would not be upset at being called 'skinny') except for the real problem of difficulty finding clothes. I am shocked that I have this problem, becasue I am NOT skinny or extra small, but clothes shopping has become a real difficulty (unless I stay in vintage shops) and for my friends who are actually petite, it is close to impossible. As a favor, since I can sew, I make an alter things for friends who are true petites because nowadays somebody who is really a size 2 or 0 literally can't get dressed--at least without a lot of difficulty. It's hard to find a store where the clothes are not mislabelled as smaller when they are actually large, creating difficulties for women, especially older women who don't want to wear kiddie clothes, who are, like one friend, 5 feet and 105 lbs.

I myself am finding I only fit kiddie clothes more and more when I go shopping and it seems-- wrong. also, since people expect kids to grow out of their clothes, the quality is terrible. Once me and my husband bought college emblem crew neck shirts and he bought men's medium, which was made of cotton and well put together,w hile I could only fit boys' large, which was made of polyester and is now a pilling mess with the seams opening up, while his is still fine--this is just wrong. It was so ridiculous. I am FAR from flat chested--why should I be in little boy clothes?

 

[iheartscience]

Middle School was when it started for me too.

I used to be rail thin, but after the kids I put on a few pounds. My peers have put on quite a bit of weight, so for my age, I'm thought of as very slender now. Perhaps because of the stage of life I, and my peers are at, this invites the comments. I don't know.

Most days I am fine with it, but once you get a bit tired or whatnot, I can be velcro-girl .

Like others have said, the comments sometimes have quite a bit of negative energy attached to them. You have to shrug really hard. Don't get me wrong here, It's not affecting my life too much, I just thought of it when I read Kenny's thread.

I once went to a comedy show. One of the comediennes was very heavy, overweight really. Most of her routine was poking fun at "those skinny bitches". It went on and on and on. I didn't laugh much, as I don't like referring to people that way (bitch, but "skinny" ticks me off too). I wonder if the routine would go on like that if it were poking fun at "fat bitches"? Maybe I just haven't heard that routine by a skinny comedienne. There likely is one. Nothing is off limits with comedy I guess.

Food for thought.

My husband's step-mother called me that the other weekend....repeatedly....in front of the neighbours....

She'd had a few too many drinks and didn't take well to the McDonald's cup in my car. I'm very tall and have a small frame so I've always been thin. People at school used to call me "Skeletore" so that sorta says it all. Anyway, when I asked my husband if I could call her "fat bitch" or "drunk bitch" he was horrified. Apparently those are insults while skinny bitch is really a compliment. He did talk to her and she was pretty surprised that I was offended.

Its frustrating.

Ha me too! Guess we're around the same age and grew up with He-Man! And in middle school and high school when I got called names, I would tell whoever was calling me names that they were just jealous because they were fat.

 

[radiantquest]

When I was in middle school and high school I was tiny. I am 5'10" and weighed about 120lbs. I was so thin that water would collect in the dip my collar bone made. You could see my hip bones and I was flat chested. I was shaped like a boy. No waist, no hips, nothing.

My best friend and I were built the exact same way. We ate terribly fattening food, but never gained a pound.

Fast forward 10-15 years, she has had 2 kids and is super skinny. She cant gain weight. Her menstrual cycle even stopped for a while. Her doctor put her on ensure 3 times a day. She is skin and bones and CANT gain any weight at all. I love her to pieces, but she looks like a bobble head cause her body is so thin.

I, on the other hand has had 0 children and over the past couple of years have put on about 30lbs. There is no reason I can figure out and my doctor is stumped as well. My blood pressure is excellent, low bad cholesterol, good blood sugar and yet on the chart I am obese.
I have a tummy I am not pleased about, thighs that are double the size they used to be and finally grew some breasts!!! I am medically healthy and happy with my womanly shape if it werent for my "donut" where my flat belly used to be.

All in all I would rather have these thighs, waist and breasts over being rail thin again. Maybe I am just happy with myself now, no matter what size the tag says.

 

[junebug17]

Just try your best to ignore the comments begonia - honestly, it's due to jealousy, and resentment that they don't look like you!

I never comment on someone's weight - well, maybe in the case of my sister, who I know is desperately trying to lose weight - I know for a fact it would make her feel good if I noticed and complimented her on her weight loss - but other than that, I just don't even go there.

 

[soocool]

People who are not thin do not understand that their comments hurt. I was on the receiving end of nasty "thin" comments and was called stringbean by a kid I went to school with (he is now a priest) when I was 13. I could eat anything an not gain an ounce. My sister was the opposite and I know she felt bad about herself. I never made a comment about her weight and she never said anything about mine. In fact, she would always defend me in front of people who commented about my thinness and that always shut them up.

 

[OCgirl]

I've been thin all my life. I am over 5'9 and under 130 pounds. At one point in my life (in my early 20s) I dropped to under 110 pounds. Most of my family members are on the thin side. People comment on how thin or skinny I am all the time. I don't think too much about it and I take it as a compliment most of the time.

I think one of the previous posters is right when she/he mentioned people feel it's okay to comment on things that are generally perceived as "positive": you are TOO thin, you are TOO rich, you make TOO much money. The opposite is NOT TRUE and there's no way you can say them without offending people: you are TOO fat, you are TOO poor, you make NO money

I know some of the comments I got probably are not meant to be compliments, e.g. "if you don't eat more you are going to disappear", "you look like a stick"... etc. But I know I eat A LOT and I do health exams every year to make sure I am okay. And that's all it matters to me.

 

[kama_s]

Ha me too! Guess we're around the same age and grew up with He-Man! And in middle school and high school when I got called names, I would tell whoever was calling me names that they were just jealous because they were fat.

I actually disagree. I don't think all of the above comments come from "haters", or jealous girls. I have to admit, I have made such comments to my skinny girlfriends (like, why on earth are you watching what you eat - you're skinny, you don't need to count your calories!), but they NEVER come from a "bitch, I hate you because you're so thin", but from a "holy crap, you're thin and you look amazing and I wish someone called ME a skinny bitch right about now" kinda place.

However, in hindsight, I can see how this might be offensive. But I would think those who were teased for being skinny are far and few in between. From my experience, most women who are slim like to be noticed and complimented on their slender figure (and rightly so, I am the first to admire a gorgeous figure!).

Also, I am willing to trade my PCOS-calorie counting body to any of you skinny 'bitches' Thing2, I will happily accept your Madewell scarf as a form of payment, thankyouvermuch.

 

[iheartscience]

Ha me too! Guess we're around the same age and grew up with He-Man! And in middle school and high school when I got called names, I would tell whoever was calling me names that they were just jealous because they were fat.

I actually disagree. I don't think all of the above comments come from "haters", or jealous girls. I have to admit, I have made such comments to my skinny girlfriends (like, why on earth are you watching what you eat - you're skinny, you don't need to count your calories!), but they NEVER come from a "bitch, I hate you because you're so thin", but from a "holy crap, you're thin and you look amazing and I wish someone called ME a skinny bitch right about now" kinda place.

However, in hindsight, I can see how this might be offensive. But I would think those who were teased for being skinny are far and few in between. From my experience, most women who are slim like to be noticed and complimented on their slender figure (and rightly so, I am the first to admire a gorgeous figure!).

Also, I am willing to trade my PCOS-calorie counting body to any of you skinny 'bitches' Thing2, I will happily accept your Madewell scarf as a form of payment, thankyouvermuch.

Oh I don't think everyone who comments is jealous, but in middle school and high school that was my go to retort to the people calling me names for being so skinny.

If someone legitimately complimented me on being thin I wouldn't mind a bit. It's only the people like my coworker who say weird things like "WHY AREN'T YOU 500 POUNDS?!" that annoy me. So I will be keeping my Madewell scarf, thankyouverymuch!

 

[Autumnovember]

Ha me too! Guess we're around the same age and grew up with He-Man! And in middle school and high school when I got called names, I would tell whoever was calling me names that they were just jealous because they were fat.

I actually disagree. I don't think all of the above comments come from "haters", or jealous girls. I have to admit, I have made such comments to my skinny girlfriends (like, why on earth are you watching what you eat - you're skinny, you don't need to count your calories!), but they NEVER come from a "bitch, I hate you because you're so thin", but from a "holy crap, you're thin and you look amazing and I wish someone called ME a skinny bitch right about now" kinda place.

However, in hindsight, I can see how this might be offensive. But I would think those who were teased for being skinny are far and few in between. From my experience, most women who are slim like to be noticed and complimented on their slender figure (and rightly so, I am the first to admire a gorgeous figure!).

Also, I am willing to trade my PCOS-calorie counting body to any of you skinny 'bitches' Thing2, I will happily accept your Madewell scarf as a form of payment, thankyouvermuch.

I agree with you, Kama. I have a few friends who are definitely very slender but my own thoughts about how slender they are absolutely does not come from jealousy at all. I generally really try to stay away from talking about someone's weight regardless of what it is. I could see how skinny comments are offensive and hurtful to those who are very thin. I do have to say this though - I was thin at one point (not very thin, but thin) and then gained a lot of weight do to health issues. I was technically overweight and I definitely looked fat. Nobody but my family ever said anything about my heaviness but man, let me tell you that it stung. I ended up losing A LOT of weight and actually became "too thin" in their minds. They let me know that they thought I lost too much weight and looked too skinny. It still hurt because I didn't think I looked too thin or bad but it hurt way, way more when I was heavy. So, personally, I would rather be called too skinny all day long than fat.