Christmas gift return etiquette...

[Ara Ann]

I just have a question...

If a person buys a Christmas gift for someone (either ordered online or via catalog, etc.) and has it shipped - and the recipient decides to return the gift, who sends it back and pays for shipping for the return, etc.?


I have a 'return situation' and am just curious what others think first.

 

[Enerchi]

In my mind, it would be the recipient. They are choosing not to keep the item, so they can pay to send it back. I am not sure what would happen to the 'credit' for the item ... Would that go back to the giver or the receiver? A credit card would have been used to purchase the item... maybe the online store can give store credit to the recipient...???

Anyway - the recipient pays for returns. (Maybe Emily Post or Dear Abby will weigh in on this!... think they are on PS??)

 

[kenny]

I think the giver and receiver should discuss it.

I do not give too much weight to etiquette because, well, read my sigline.

 

[Lottie]

If its faulty, then the company it was purchased from or the manufacturer should pay shipping. If however the gift was simply not to my taste then I would organise and pay for shipping etc myself.

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks for the feedback!

Here is the situation...

My MIL always asks for a 'list' of things we'd like for Christmas, different ideas, etc. and has a set budget for each of us.

This year I gave her a few hints at things I wouldn't buy for myself but would like as a gift (again, per her instructions).

Well, I have always wanted a nice wool wrap/cape thingie and found a couple of really beautiful ones online. I sent her links as examples and that was that.

On Christmas Eve I opened a 'wrap' that was nothing at all like what I envisioned or showed her (I am not being a brat or anything, this was my initial impression)...I did think it was pretty, but it was a very lightweight acrylic and not usable for wearing outside - like in place of a coat. My first impression of the wrap was that it was about a $40 gift - again that is FINE, but then afterward, my MIL told me she paid $100 for it! And she told me she knew it wasn't what I wanted - but she ordered it anyway, figuring I could return it if I didn't like it.

Honestly, I would have kept it - even if I didn't wear it very often (not my colors either) - if it hadn't cost her $100!! I later found out she ordered it from a fundraising type catalog, proceeds go toward a school....in other words, they marked this wrap up 65% and use the extra as a donation.

I thought it over for a few days and let her know I did want to return it...the way she had made it sound was that she would send it back - but then she told me to come pick up all the paperwork etc. so I could return it.

I was filling it all out today - and noticed I do need her credit card info. so they will credit her back... And she didn't offer to pay for return shipping or anything.

Not a HUGE deal, but yeah, if I ordered something 'questionable' for someone, knowing it wasn't what they wanted and said it was fine if they returned it, I don't think I'd then expect them to handle the return and pay for the shipping too.

Anyway...

Not meaning to sound ungrateful at all...I do appreciate her thoughtfulness and the gift. It's just not what I had envisioned at all.

Thanks again for the input!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Sounds like a huge hassel and not worth going back and forth with your MIL to deal with. If it was a very expensive item, I'd say then work with her. But, since it is such a small amount...

Generally though I agree with Kenny that if you want to return something, it's best not to say anything to the giver and pay for the return shipping yourself. If the only way to return is if it goes back to the original credit card, you can always try selling the item on ebay.

 

[nkarma]

In this situation, I would pay for the shipping yourself. Yes you asked for specific items, but she chose to give you something else. As the gift giver, it is ultimately her decision what to get you. If she was a paid employee or a friend doing you a favor, then yeah maybe they should pay for the shipping for getting you the wrong item.

Can you pretend like the gift was $93.75 (cost - return shipping) instead of $100?

 

[Ara Ann]

In this situation, I would pay for the shipping yourself. Yes you asked for specific items, but she chose to give you something else. As the gift giver, it is ultimately her decision what to get you. If she was a paid employee or a friend doing you a favor, then yeah maybe they should pay for the shipping for getting you the wrong item.

Can you pretend like the gift was $93.75 (cost - return shipping) instead of $100?

Yep... This is what I am going to do. Will be over $10 for shipping - they require insurance for the return since it's $100.00

 

[LaraOnline]

If it is a gift and you really can't stand it, i would return with a view to swap for something within the store that you do like.
All costs, in my view, should be yours.

 

[Circe]

If its faulty, then the company it was purchased from or the manufacturer should pay shipping. If however the gift was simply not to my taste then I would organise and pay for shipping etc myself.

Well said - Lottie, you could make an excellent etiquette columnist!

 

[tyty333]

I agree that you should pay for the cost of the return.

 

[blueiris]

I've returned a few gifts from my MIL too (mostly for the reason that they didn't fit). I've paid for the return postage each time. One time, even though I explicitly marked the "GIFT" box on the return form and asked for a store credit (my only option for a gift), they issued the refund to her credit card instead. I felt awful, because I'd already written her a nice thank-you note - and then she had to have known that I returned the items. She never mentioned it (and never offered to give me anything else, which I didn't care about) so that was that. This year, she and my FIL gave both my husband and me some gloves that just weren't warm enough for our climate. I returned those (and paid for the return, of course) but the store sent us a check. I waited until I had the check in hand before writing the thank-you note!

In your case, I think it's good that your MIL stated she didn't mind if you returned the item, so it's all out in the open. I would have expected to bear the cost of returning the item, even in that case, though.

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I guess I feel differently regarding gifts I GIVE to someone else. Honestly, I would offer to pay for the return shipping for a gift...I am not just saying this because of this situation, but this thought process is what made me ask the question in the first place, because I *would* pay the return postage on a gift I bought for someone...I wouldn't want to take away from the gift and the giving experience.

But I guess that is just me - and that is fine - I have no problems paying for the return, but was just curious about what others do in this same situation...and now I know!

 

[decodelighted]

I just have a question...

If a person buys a Christmas gift for someone (either ordered online or via catalog, etc.) and has it shipped - and the recipient decides to return the gift, who sends it back and pays for shipping for the return, etc.?

I have a 'return situation' and am just curious what others think first.

The recipient OF COURSE. Why in the world would it be otherwise? Most people who are ordering gifts like that (for delivery) are long distance friends or relatives, right? How could they even coordinate such a thing? And why should they be "punished" just because the recipient is too PICKY -- AWKWARD.

ETA: In this particular case ... just because the MIL asks for ideas doesn't OBLIGATE her to choose from those? Her only mistake (IMHO) was admitting that she purchased something that she knew you wouldn't like. (OOPS!) Even still -- it's a gift. Not an obligation or a responsibility. NO MATTER HOW MUCH it costs -- just toss it in the trash or donate bin & be done w/it.

 

[Skippy123]

I just have a question...

If a person buys a Christmas gift for someone (either ordered online or via catalog, etc.) and has it shipped - and the recipient decides to return the gift, who sends it back and pays for shipping for the return, etc.?

I have a 'return situation' and am just curious what others think first.

The recipient OF COURSE. Why in the world would it be otherwise? Most people who are ordering gifts like that (for delivery) are long distance friends or relatives, right? How could they even coordinate such a thing? And why should they be "punished" just because the recipient is too PICKY -- AWKWARD.

ETA: In this particular case ... just because the MIL asks for ideas doesn't OBLIGATE her to choose from those? Her only mistake (IMHO) was admitting that she purchased something that she knew you wouldn't like. (OOPS!) Even still -- it's a gift. Not an obligation or a responsibility. NO MATTER HOW MUCH it costs -- just toss it in the trash or donate bin & be done w/it.

LOL that is what I was thinking. In fact my mom and her goddaughter exchange gifts each year. This year my moms goddaughter emailed me like she always does, what should I get your mom. My mom wanted a deep fryer and she showed me the type! So I emailed her goddaughter the model; the goddaughter gets her something else which is great and my mom loves because it is from her goddaughter. Then I ask her goddaughter what she would like and my mom gets her a giftcard. anyway, they gave suggestions but the purchases weren't exact.

It is up to the gift giver. One of my in laws always asks for suggestions and they hate my suggestions (gifts I would like) but what can I do? nothing. I did get a gift from Coldwatercreek and returned it but got a giftcard; I don't shop there but I have a giftcard. lol I think sometimes one has to suck it up and be graceful because it is the right thing to do. I mean it was for a fundraiser, then I would forget it and move on, even if it was $100 but that is just me. As I get older I notice it isn't so much about the gift; it is about the thought that counts.

 

[Ara Ann]

I just have a question...

If a person buys a Christmas gift for someone (either ordered online or via catalog, etc.) and has it shipped - and the recipient decides to return the gift, who sends it back and pays for shipping for the return, etc.?

I have a 'return situation' and am just curious what others think first.

The recipient OF COURSE. Why in the world would it be otherwise? Most people who are ordering gifts like that (for delivery) are long distance friends or relatives, right? How could they even coordinate such a thing? And why should they be "punished" just because the recipient is too PICKY -- AWKWARD.

ETA: In this particular case ... just because the MIL asks for ideas doesn't OBLIGATE her to choose from those? Her only mistake (IMHO) was admitting that she purchased something that she knew you wouldn't like. (OOPS!) Even still -- it's a gift. Not an obligation or a responsibility. NO MATTER HOW MUCH it costs -- just toss it in the trash or donate bin & be done w/it.

Gosh, I didn't expect so much animosity by asking this question...

Again, I was looking at this from the standpoint of the giver... For instance if I gave my son a gift and he wanted to return it - *I* would gladly pay the return charges...I wouldn't expect him to...I understand that is just ME and I have no problems with my MIL for opting not to do that, it is her choice, I get it.

Of course in a long distance situation it would be different. I am not saying I expect my MIL to pay for it, I do not - I just used this example to ask a question, again, because I would offer to handle returns for gifts I gave, especially to my kids and close family members.

 

[rainydaze]

i've always considered it the recipient's responsibility to return a gift, and absorb whatever cost or effort is involved in doing so. in fact, gift receipts exist for this very reason - so that a recipient may return or exchange a gift without the giver knowing or being involved (which i think further supports the idea that it falls to the recipient).

i understand you don't think the wrap is worth what she paid for it, but that was her decision to make and she must have been comfortable with it or she would have chosen something else. plus, a gift-giver has already spent time, effort, thought and money to get and give you the gift; to me it shows a lack of appreciation and consideration for that (even if you have none for the gift itself) to involve them in the return/exchange. i dunno, i'm always grateful to someone for giving me a gift for their time and effort first, and the gift itself is just gravy, if that makes any sense!

in your case, it sounds like more of a hassle than it's worth to return it. i'm not sure what i would do since she already knows you wish to return it; maybe let her know that since some of the money went to a fundraising group you've changed your mind and you'll keep it. then if you really won't use it, donate it after a reasonable period of time?

ETA: just saw the post above mine and realized my post could come off with animosity.... please don't take it that way! i'm not saying you aren't appreciative or considerate, just pointing out that it *could* feel that way to a giver (and i'm speaking from personal experience on that. BIL wanted to return something that we gave him that we'd put thought into and effort finding, and handed us the gift receipt just hours after opening without even a thanks. my reaction was to feel hurt that he didn't recognize or appreciate our effort, and expected us to find the time to return in with three young kids in tow after all PITA it took to get it in the first place, when he's single and could have much more easily returned it himself. oh, and he expected us to get him something else. IMO we'd done our part already, and he missed the point of the gift. maybe i'm weird though.)

 

[Octavia]

Ara Ann, I feel the same way as you -- if I'm the giver, I would in all likelihood offer to pay for the return. The exception would probably be if the person requested something specific, I got them exactly what they asked for, and then they changed their mind. But as the recipient, I generally just suck it up because I usually don't want the giver to know I didn't like their gift.

 

[amc80]

Again, I was looking at this from the standpoint of the giver... For instance if I gave my son a gift and he wanted to return it - *I* would gladly pay the return charges...I wouldn't expect him to

I'm the opposite. If I receive a gift that I don't like, I'd never expect the giver to pay for shipping. I'm the one who doesn't like it, it's my choice to return it. Likewise, if I give a gift to someone and they don't like it, that's their deal. They can return it or regift it or whatever, but I'm not obligated to pay for the return shipping of the gift.

I don't think that when someone gives a gift they are responsible for the welfare of the gift for its entire life, either. If I got a gift and it broke some time later, I wouldn't even tell the giver. I would take care of it. I don't see the giver as a warranty-er (made up word).

 

[decodelighted]

I think it is EXCEPTIONALLY rude to let the giver of the gift KNOW that you will be RETURNING an item. And for them to *coordinate* it, it goes w/o saying that you'd have to notify them of your dissatisfaction in order to GET MORE MONEY/TIME out of them.


Yes, I guess I am annoyed.


ETA: How would that convo even go. "Bad news! I hate that gift you gave me & it's going to be $10 in postage to return it & $10 in postage for the new shipment of the replacement item. Just make the $20 check out to cash, m'kay?"

 

[Ara Ann]

i've always considered it the recipient's responsibility to return a gift, and absorb whatever cost or effort is involved in doing so. in fact, gift receipts exist for this very reason - so that a recipient may return or exchange a gift without the giver knowing or being involved (which i think further supports the idea that it falls to the recipient).

i understand you don't think the wrap is worth what she paid for it, but that was her decision to make and she must have been comfortable with it or she would have chosen something else. plus, a gift-giver has already spent time, effort, thought and money to get and give you the gift; to me it shows a lack of appreciation and consideration for that (even if you have none for the gift itself) to involve them in the return/exchange. i dunno, i'm always grateful to someone for giving me a gift for their time and effort first, and the gift itself is just gravy, if that makes any sense!

in your case, it sounds like more of a hassle than it's worth to return it. i'm not sure what i would do since she already knows you wish to return it; maybe let her know that since some of the money went to a fundraising group you've changed your mind and you'll keep it. then if you really won't use it, donate it after a reasonable period of time?

SHE was not pleased with the quality when she got it and therefore told me to return it if it wasn't what I wanted... I thought about it for several days and *knowing my MIL* and how she is about gifts (wants to please others) - I decided to return it.


To her $100 is a lot of money, I would NEVER "Throw away" or donate $100 of her money behind her back, THAT to me is the epitome of rudeness...I know she wanted to spend her money on something I would like and actually use and enjoy... I think it would be more dishonoring to her if I kept the wrap - with no intention of wearing it or using it - than it is to return it AS SHE SUGGESTED - and get something different that I would enjoy. Giving is a two way street, I understand how gift giving works, but I would also want to give a gift that someone enjoys and wants to use too and would also gladly return it for something if they didn't like it. Why would I want to foist a gift on someone that they didn't want?

 

[Ara Ann]

I think it is EXCEPTIONALLY rude to let the giver of the gift KNOW that you will be RETURNING an item. And for them to *coordinate* it, it goes w/o saying that you'd have to notify them of your dissatisfaction in order to GET MORE MONEY/TIME out of them.


Yes, I guess I am annoyed.

Umm, you are annoyed because you are not taking the time to understand what my MIL's - the GIVER'S' - intentions are, or MINE. My MIL was not pleased with the quality of the wrap when she got it and therefore TOLD ME I could RETURN IT for something ELSE. Period.

I DID NOT ASK TO RETURN IT until AFTER she suggested it and told me how much it cost her... TO HER $100 is a lot of money - and I know SHE IS FINE with my returning it, because SHE SAID SO, that she wants me to have something I would really enjoy for her HARD EARNED $100 - it may not be a lot to SOME PEOPLE, but it is to her. I would never "Toss" a $100 gift or donate it, and lie to her about it. THAT is worse than an honest return.

 

[Ara Ann]

ETA: How would that convo even go. "Bad news! I hate that gift you gave me & it's going to be $10 in postage to return it & $10 in postage for the new shipment of the replacement item. Just make the $20 check out to cash, m'kay?"

Umm, yeah rolling eyes here myself...are you purposefully not reading anything I said, or trying to misunderstand me? Seems so. This is not what happened and if you can not read and comprehend what *DID* happen - then please do not reply.

 

[decodelighted]

I think it is EXCEPTIONALLY rude to let the giver of the gift KNOW that you will be RETURNING an item. And for them to *coordinate* it, it goes w/o saying that you'd have to notify them of your dissatisfaction in order to GET MORE MONEY/TIME out of them.


Yes, I guess I am annoyed.

Umm, you are annoyed because you are not taking the time to understand what my MIL's - the GIVER'S' - intentions are, or MINE. My MIL was not pleased with the quality of the wrap when she got it and therefore TOLD ME I could RETURN IT for something ELSE. Period.

I DID NOT ASK TO RETURN IT until AFTER she suggested it and told me how much it cost her... TO HER $100 is a lot of money - and I know SHE IS FINE with my returning it, because SHE SAID SO, that she wants me to have something I would really enjoy for her HARD EARNED $100 - it may not be a lot to SOME PEOPLE, but it is to her. I would never "Toss" a $100 gift or donate it, and lie to her about it. THAT is worse than an honest return.

I am answering a GENERAL question -- which is what you POSED ORIGINALLY! If you want to discuss the SPECIFICS of your particular situation - that is DIFFERENT. But you still seem to want her to be "wrong". On one hand you are very serious about not wanting to "waste her money" or be disrespectful of her "intent to please" --- yet seemingly slamming her lack of follow through re: the paperwork and expense of ACTUALLY DOING what she casually mentioned. Has it occurred to you that she might have just been saving face? That she was embarrassed by the low-quality charity scam merchandise she thoughtlessly bought for you? And tried to make the moment less awkward by just saying "oh return it & get something you like"? And not that she was looking for a NEW HOBBY coordinating that long process?

Okay - how 'bout this. Your MIL is a lazy **** and you are a perfect princess! Better?

 

[decodelighted]

I just have a question...

If a person buys a Christmas gift for someone (either ordered online or via catalog, etc.) and has it shipped - and the recipient decides to return the gift, who sends it back and pays for shipping for the return, etc.?

THIS IS YOUR QUESTION ... remember?

 

[Ara Ann]

I just have a question...

If a person buys a Christmas gift for someone (either ordered online or via catalog, etc.) and has it shipped - and the recipient decides to return the gift, who sends it back and pays for shipping for the return, etc.?

THIS IS YOUR QUESTION ... remember?

Yes, I remember...and no, I was not slamming my MIL - I was stating how things unfolded.

I asked the question because *I* would assume the responsibility for returns on a gift *I* gave and wondered if that is how others handle it too.

And Yes, I am a perfect princess...lucky for me. Your replies came across as pointed snarky remarks - aside from answering my 'general question' - you did make comments pointed at me in your replies, so yes, even being a perfect princess, I am now defensive. you suggested I toss it in the trash? yeah, like that is respectful.

PS - like I said, GO BACK AND RE READ where I SAID I do not EXPECT my MIL to pay for the return charges... My turn to roll eyes.

 

[decodelighted]

You MIL expected 50% of her "hard earned, super valuable, more valuable than any of OUR $$" cash to go to charity anyway ... that's what those overpriced rip off catalogs are about -- donating! Are you exchanging products? If so, you're going to be selecting a different $40 item priced at $100. The percentages aren't going to change. And they'll all be that delightful version of "quality". If you are RETURNING all together -- so that you can reap the full benefit of $100 cash (too bad, Charity!) -- that's a WHOLE 'nother story.

 

[decodelighted]

And she didn't offer to pay for return shipping or anything.

If you didn't EXPECT her to pay return shipping then it wouldn't be so SURPRISING to you that she "didn't offer or *anything*"

 

[monarch64]

To answer your original question, I do not think the gift-giver should have to pay return costs. Not their fault the recipient didn't like or use the item. As far as your situation, why not just donate the wrap or give it to someone you know who would actually enjoy it? Easy come, easy go, no more weird karma.

 

[junebug17]

Ara, deco has brought up a point that I was wondering about as well - how is the return going to affect the charity? I guess the donation will be taken back from them since the return is going back on to your mil's credit card? Not sure how that would work. I think I would just keep the gift since a charity is involved.

As for the original question - I think the recipient should pay for the shipping.