Christmas gift dilemma- Am I being unreasonable?

[robbie3982]

DH and I got in a fight this morning about Christmas gifts. Money is tight this year because we''re planning on buying our first home. We need to save a few thousand more before we''ll have enough for the down payment, closing costs and enough left over to not be broke.

We have a ton of people to buy presents for and we''re going to try to limit our spending on them, but I think the best place for us to cut back is on our gifts to eachother. I don''t want him to get me anything. We just got married and got a ton of presents from the wedding plus my 2 showers. I really don''t feel like there''s anything I want and I think it''s silly for us to spend money just because it''s that time of year and you''re supposed to especially when we''re trying so hard to save.

He really wants to get me a present and he wants it to be a surprise. I told him if he wants to do that the absolute limit is $100. He said he had something in mind that costs more than that, like $200, but it''s something useful and we could both use it. I asked if I''ve ever mentioned wanting it and he said no. He won''t even give me a clue as to what it is so I said he shouldn''t buy it then. If I''ve never even mentioned wanting it, it''s probably not worth $200 to me.

I''d rather just get the cat declawed (which is going to cost about $150) since that''s something I want to do and we need to do it anyway. He didn''t seem to like this idea.

Am I being unreasonable?

 

[asscherisme]

I think you are being totally reasonable! And practical.

I just got really annoyed because my husband and I agreed on no anniversary gifts this year. It was 13 years, so not a big one like 10 or 20. We both agreed no gifts since we just spent $6K on furnature.

We decided no anniversary AND no hannukah gifts this year.

Our anniverary just passed and I was really annoyed because not only did he buy me a $100 flower bouquet (I know because I pay the bills!) but he also bought me a $200 crystal thing at costco. First, we had agreed NO spending other than a nice dinner. And 2- he keeps buying me these silly crystal figurings and after the first 5 years and I had like 10 of them from him I told him enough! I don''t need anymore. He keeps saying he wants to add to my collection and I told him I only have a collection because he decided I should have one.

So...and I hope I don''t get flamed for this but I took the $200 crystal and returned it. He was annoyed for about 5 minutes at me and I told him he had no right since HE was the one who broke the agreement with $100 flowers and the $200 gift. I could not return the flowers so I returned the crystal and it was a relief to do it. Could we have afforded to keep it? Sure, but with a lot of kids, a mortgage and our beautiful new furnature (paid in cash), I was just pissed he broke out agreement.

So the thing is that you both need to agree and if you both agree and he then still gets you the gift, thats just frustrating! It actually I thought showed a lack of respect for your decision.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think you''re totally reasonable. FI and I are having the same "discussion" as well. What drives me crazy is I got him to agree to not spend more than $200 a piece, but I know he''s going to go over that. It''s so frustrating.

 

[neatfreak]

No I don''t think you are being unreasonable AT ALL Robbie. But I do think this is a great time for you guys to sit down and talk about financial priorities because it sounds like you might not both be on the same page. It will save you years of financial fights to hash it all out now and agree on a $ plan in general...

 

[Deelight]

GL buying a new home it is a fairly exciting experience

I don''t think your being unreasonable at all As it is your first Christmas as husband and wife he want to do something special to commemorate (I am only speculating of course

)

Have you also thought about home made gifts for Christmas to cut your spending on other me and my BF have done that the last couple of years and it goes down a massive treat people look forward to it and can''t wait (we have made home made rocky road and wrapped it up like gold bars tastes DIVINE and was fun to make, He has a lot of extended family and the cost can add up and this way we can concentrate on getting more for the kiddies and keeping our budget under control

.

Ummmm I don''t mean to offend but have you looked at possible alternatives to cat declawing, I looked at getting my cats done until I found out how harmful it can be to your animal and the health risks involved

(please don''t take this the wrong way).

I have found a product that is too cute for words that is meant to be viable alternative I have not used it yet but it is meant to be effective, safe non toxic and has been developed by vets. It is like a mani for your cat (you can even do a French manicure)

Soft Paws

 

[Efe]

In my mind, this is about respect. It is hard work to handle the family finances which, if I remember correctly, you do. You have a common goal (the house) and you BOTH need to work towards that goal. He''s either in or not. If he is wise, he will work with you. At the end of the road, you will have a house and you will have a deeper bond because you worked and sacrificed for it together.

 

[cara]

If you can both use it, how about he can buy the gift for you both from Santa and you don''t buy specific gifts for each other. Then you have spent a total of $200 on you both.

It is really hard to rein in each other''s optional spending so I totally feel you! But it is not about micromanaging the other''s choices. Unless he has a horrible history of bad gifts, I would trust him if he says he has something in mind that you and he would like.

Is there some area of normal spending that your DH is willing to cut back on to "save" for these christmas gifts? Do you have a budget and a goal savings amount per month, and would you be able to meet your savings goal even with the gifts?

If you don''t have a budget maybe you should set one up. DH and I just bit the bullet and set one up, and we are tracking our expenses each week/month even though it is a PITA. I am really thrilled that DH is doing it, even though it means he can see my spending problem areas, cause it means it will be much easier to rein him in on his spending areas, one of which is guilt-ridden extravagant xmas gifts for everyone.

 

[Gypsy]

Robbie, I think you are being very reasonable regarding finances and Christmas presents.

But I am vehementally against declawing and urge you to look into other options and to research de-clawing, the procedure takes off the cat''s first knuckle, is very painful, and can result in life long behavioural problems for your cat. In addition, if the cat ever gets outside... it''s a sitting duck, can''t defend it''s self and can''t climb to get away. Please don''t de-claw without trying other methods first. It''s a very drastic last resort procedure and needs to be treated as such.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Re: the finances, I think you are being completely reasonable, and the previous posters have given some excellent suggestions for how to talk to your DH about it. I completely agree with them that finances can be a huge source of tension in a marriage and figuring out how to communicate about them and how to manage them is absolutely essential.

However, I have to say, as someone who spends a lot of time volunteering at an animal shelter, that I think you are being unreasonable by wanting to declaw your cat. Declawing a cat is an incredibly inhumane thing to do. The closest analogy to humans is this: imagine that you walked around all day on just the ball of your foot. That is the part just from the joints of where your toes start forward to the ends of the toes. Then imagine that someone cut all of your toes off. This is exactly what declawing does to a cat.

Given this level of pain and discomfort, and the need to basically learn to walk all over again but in an unnatural way, its not surprising that declawing can lead to serious behavioral and health issues. These include, but are not limited to, biting and increased aggression because the cat feels it can no longer defend itself, and litterbox issues because using the litterbox can be so painful while the cat is trying to recover from being declawed and will often develop an aversion to the litterbox. Declawing can totally change the personality of your cat, and often not for the better.

There are many many alternatives to declawing your cat, depending on what your concern is. If its scratched furniture, the soft paws that the previous poster recommended are a good option, as are simply getting the cats claws clipped (or doing it yourself) on a regular basis. In addition, cats need to have proper scratching posts - these are not space-consuming nor expensive. The Cosmic Catnip Alpine Scratcher is a particularly good one. We keep our three kitties claws clipped and they have two scratching posts, and our furniture is in impeccable condition as far as cats are concerned. If they are scratching specific pieces, there is a product called sticky paws that can be applied to stop them - it is highly effective and easy and cheap.

There are many many ways to stop inappropriate scratching without mutilating your cat and I know that I and other cat owners on here would be more than happy to help you troubleshoot whatever the issue is with your cat. But please please reconsider the declawing - at least inform yourself about it fully by reading some of the information below so you are making a fully informed decision. I personally can''t imagine knowing all of this and still deciding to mutilate a cat, but I know that many people do. But at the very least your cat deserves the effort it will take you to truly understand what is involved in the procedure.

All Purpose Site About Declawing and Alternatives

Cat Fanciers'' Association Statement on Declawing

 

[Pandora II]

I think you are completely right on the presents issue.


On the declawing issue. Here in the UK it is banned as it is considered cruel and inhumane. I would really urge you to consider other methods.

I''ve had loads of cats - some were scratchers, others weren''t. Providing a scratching post is a must. If they go for the furniture, I found a well aimed water pistol was very effective

(as long as you ONLY use it for that purpose.)

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 10/29/2007 10:45:18 AM
Author: Deelight
GL buying a new home it is a fairly exciting experience

I don''t think your being unreasonable at all As it is your first Christmas as husband and wife he want to do something special to commemorate (I am only speculating of course

)

Have you also thought about home made gifts for Christmas to cut your spending on other me and my BF have done that the last couple of years and it goes down a massive treat people look forward to it and can''t wait (we have made home made rocky road and wrapped it up like gold bars tastes DIVINE and was fun to make, He has a lot of extended family and the cost can add up and this way we can concentrate on getting more for the kiddies and keeping our budget under control

.

Ummmm I don''t mean to offend but have you looked at possible alternatives to cat declawing, I looked at getting my cats done until I found out how harmful it can be to your animal and the health risks involved

(please don''t take this the wrong way).

I have found a product that is too cute for words that is meant to be viable alternative I have not used it yet but it is meant to be effective, safe non toxic and has been developed by vets. It is like a mani for your cat (you can even do a French manicure)

Soft Paws

Thanks everyone for letting me know that I''m not being unreasonable about the present.

Asscher, I think he''ll stick to an agreement (well, fairly closely) if we can come to one. Coming to one in the first place is the problem

.

Hudson, FI never seems to look at present limits as "this is the most you can spend" but more like "you need to spend at least this much." He never goes too far over, but he always feels like he needs to hit that limit.

Neatfreak, we actually have sat down and discussed priorities and budgets. The problem is I''m a saver and he''s a spender and no matter how many times we go over the budget he looks at it and thinks, well, we''ll just end up with $400 less than we''d planned whereas I look at our spending and think, where else can we save so we end up with more? So, while we''re agreed, he seems to think it''s more of a suggestion on how to save than a rule.

Thanks Deelight! I once suggested the homemade gift idea, but DH was not very enthusiastic. He''s not all that crafty (though he is a very good writer) and really didn''t want to make any presents. Don''t worry, I''m not offended at all about the cat declawing comments. DH and I looked for a cat that was already declawed (the one we already had was declawed when we adopted her), but ended up falling in love with one who wasn''t. I was really opposed to declawing, but the woman at the rescue assured me that it''s not as big a deal as everyone makes it out to be. I still didn''t really like it, but this cat gets into everything and anything and I''m about at my whit''s end. After reading the articles posted and seeing the soft paws (too cute!) I''ll definitely try scratching posts and soft paws before making a final decision. So far we''ve tried squirting her with a water bottle when she''s being naughty. She now thinks it''s a super fun game

.

BizouMom, I do handle the finances (he''s still paying the few bills which can''t be paid online). He wants the house, but I think it''s just harder for him to limit his spending than it is for me. I think we''ll get there. It just might take a while

.

Cara, he does have a history of not really horrible, but not so great and/or practical gifts either. For my bday he got us a family gym membership (it was single or family, no couple) which I was wary about at first because even though I wanted to start going to the gym, I knew that I suck at getting in the habit and keeping it up. I also wasn''t sure about how he''d be with going to the gym and making it worthwhile for us to have a family gym membership as opposed to just me having a membership. He swore we''d be working out together every day. This was in March. I called the gym today to find out how many times we''d been to the gym since we joined: 41. That seems low to me since I was working out hardcore for a few months before the wedding, but I know for a fact that while I was there for every single time our gym card was swiped, he was probably there for a quarter of it. BTW, neither of us has been to the gym in over 2 months. 2 Christmases ago he got me his favorite video game...which was sweet since he was trying to share something with me that he loved, but it''s not the kind of video game I like (not that I like very many) and he ended up playing it. So, I''m not so sure that this great idea he has that we''ll both get so much use out of is really something practical. If he''d at least tell me what it was I could decide. I dont'' really care about being surprised.

Don''t worry Gypsy, we''ll try a scratching post and the soft paws before we decide.

AmberGretchen, thanks for the links to the articles!

 

[FireGoddess]

I don''t think you''re being unreasonable about the Christmas gifts, but I do want to implore you not to have the cat declawed. Read into it if you can....it''s not pleasant. Have you tried softpaw nail covers and getting kitty a really good scratching post? (Mine clawed my bed for 10 years...and now that she has her own cat tree she ADORES it and only scratches that....turns out I just wasn''t buying what she wanted.)

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/29/2007 12:39:13 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I don''t think you''re being unreasonable about the Christmas gifts, but I do want to implore you not to have the cat declawed. Read into it if you can....it''s not pleasant. Have you tried softpaw nail covers and getting kitty a really good scratching post? (Mine clawed my bed for 10 years...and now that she has her own cat tree she ADORES it and only scratches that....turns out I just wasn''t buying what she wanted.)

Yes, 2nd what FireGoddess said about the declawing. That part of your post stuck out more in my mind than the Christmas gift dilema! Declawing is inhumane.

My husband and I found a cheap $150 rug at Costco and our cats LOVE to scratch it. It''s worked out well. We also bought furniture cats don''t like to scratch (microfiber couches & chairs for the living room) and then we got tape strips from the pet store to put on the edges of our upstairs furniture and the cats have found that they can''t scratch over that SO the costco rug is their only, yet favorite, scratching device.

As far as the gift, Cara said it perfectly that having the gift be to both of you from Santa is the way to go. That''s what DH and I usually do. We just fill each others stockings with small stuff so the kids think Santa came for all of us

 

[Gypsy]

Hi Robbie, I''m very happy to hear your open to trying other options regarding your cat''s claws. We have a 7 foot cat tree that is just one big scratching post (costco at christmas time has nice, affordable trees ours was 90 bucks and it was the largest they had), another cat scratcher tree (3 feet high) in the bedroom (got it on sale for 20 bucks), plus for my Hally and Duncan who prefer scratching down instead of vertically so we got them 2 (Hally won''t share) http://www.scratchlounge.com/ plus one cosmic cat nip scratcher for the bedroom, under our bed, for Frodo.

I don''t use softpaws I clip thier claws, but might start with the softpaws with Hally and Duncan... and then since two of them will have them, Frodo will have to have them too.

 

[cara]

Date: 10/29/2007 12:05:11 PM
Author: robbie3982

2 Christmases ago he got me his favorite video game...which was sweet since he was trying to share something with me that he loved, but it''s not the kind of video game I like (not that I like very many) and he ended up playing it. So, I''m not so sure that this great idea he has that we''ll both get so much use out of is really something practical. If he''d at least tell me what it was I could decide. I dont'' really care about being surprised.

Buying you his favorite video game does seem awfully close to Homer buying Marge a bowling ball - with holes pre-drilled for his hand!

Yeah, maybe you should exercise some oversight of his joint present. Its tough! Don''t want to nag or micromanage but also not be stuck with the above mentioned Costco crystal piece in place of house money. Good luck (with hubby and kitty)!

 

[rainwood]

Robbie -

The most important thing for you and your husband is to establish a way that a saver and a spender can have a happy marriage with a minimum of money-related conflict. You and your husband have different styles, different emotions, and different personalities when it comes to financial things. And the reality is that neither of you is going to change drastically so you have to work with who each of you are. Trust me on this. My husband and I have a spender/saver marriage too (and we''re headed toward our 30th anniversary) and we''ve had to come up with strategies to accommodate who each of us are, not what we''d like the other person to be.

First, you need to NOT look at any of these money-related issues as who is being reasonable and who is being unreasonable or who is right and who is wrong. If you do, one of the two of you always ends up on the losing end of the equation, and that won''t work in the long run. I don''t think either of you is being unreasaonble, nor do I think either of you is being reasonable. You''re each reacting to the same situation based on your "money" personality. He wants to get his new wife a Christmas present, you want to save for a house. There''s nothing inherently wrong with either of those positions.

Second, you''ll each need to move toward common ground on financial issues, and that means each of you moving toward a middle position. Compromise. You''ll have to agree to spend more than you would otherwise, and he''ll have to agree to spend less. And sometimes that won''t be easy or fun, but it''s the only way to make it work in the end. You''ve married a great guy who happens to be a spender. He''s married a great gal who happens to be a saver.

Maybe in the Christmas present situation it means finding a way to cut down on your gift list for others and come to an agreement on what you spend on each other. If he sees the dollar limit as a "floor" rather than a "ceiling" then that needs to get factored in to where you set the limit. Or maybe you have a total Christmas budget and any money spent on the two of you decreases the amount left for the "ton" of presents for others. Or you don''t spend the same on each other. There''s lots of ways to approach this. The only bad way is to say I''m being reasonable and you''re not. That''s guaranteed not to work.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 10/29/2007 12:05:11 PM
Author: robbie3982

Thanks Deelight! I once suggested the homemade gift idea, but DH was not very enthusiastic. He''s not all that crafty (though he is a very good writer) and really didn''t want to make any presents. Don''t worry, I''m not offended at all about the cat declawing comments. DH and I looked for a cat that was already declawed (the one we already had was declawed when we adopted her), but ended up falling in love with one who wasn''t. I was really opposed to declawing, but the woman at the rescue assured me that it''s not as big a deal as everyone makes it out to be. I still didn''t really like it, but this cat gets into everything and anything and I''m about at my whit''s end. After reading the articles posted and seeing the soft paws (too cute!) I''ll definitely try scratching posts and soft paws before making a final decision. So far we''ve tried squirting her with a water bottle when she''s being naughty. She now thinks it''s a super fun game

.

sounds like my naughty kitty thinks everything is a game but I love him so what can I do I''m glad you want to try the softpaws I had so many awwww moments looking in their kitty gallery.

GL with the Christmas presents

 

[scarleta]

Robbie: you are a smart girl , very smart.May take him a while to figure it out.Hope you can work it out somehow...

 

[chiefneil]

I''m going to go against the tide and suggest that you cut back even more on the gifts to others in order to have a little to spend on each other. I think giving a gift to your spouse, no matter how small, is more important than giving a gift to Aunt Marge, Cousin Igor, or even Little Sis.

It doesn''t have to be $100. You can buy something thoughtful for $50 or less. In the years to come, if it''s something you hang on to, you''ll look at it fondly and recall those lean years. But that gift you got for Aunt Marge will be long forgotten.

Remember that it''s the thought that counts, and I''d rather get a $10 piece of junk that shows my spouse was thinking about me, than nothing at all.

 

[diamondfan]

First, no, I do not think so. However, I would love that he still wants to get me something, but I would want him to keep to the agreement. You are partners and if that is what your decision was, as a team, it should be respected. He is being sweet to want to indulge you, but at the same time you are seeing the bigger picture. Just tell him so...and tell him you will not be upset if he does not get you something above the amount (meaning you did not set the amount without intending it be kept to) BUT that you will be upset if he does not abide by it.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 10/29/2007 11:27:56 PM
Author: diamondfan
First, no, I do not think so. However, I would love that he still wants to get me something, but I would want him to keep to the agreement. You are partners and if that is what your decision was, as a team, it should be respected. He is being sweet to want to indulge you, but at the same time you are seeing the bigger picture. Just tell him so...and tell him you will not be upset if he does not get you something above the amount (meaning you did not set the amount without intending it be kept to) BUT that you will be upset if he does not abide by it.

DF, so great to see you, and, as always, with extremely sound advice!

Sorry I haven''t been around lately - just busy.

Robbie, this is a tough one because it IS really sweet that he wants to get you a gift. Personally, I think the place to save is with all of the other gifts for all the other people. I think you may want to lower the expectations around you - tell people it''s a lean year because of your house plans. You can give gifts that are more of time commitment, whether it''s a tin of cookies or a bay-sitting offer for someone who needs a break.

I think it may be better to tone it down around you rather than stress your relationship. Just a thought.

 

[diamondfan]

thanks Starry, glad you are back, I noticed you have not been around much!

I think sometimes the best policy is not to beat around the bush. Not saying you are, Robbie, but sometimes you need to just stand firm, nicely, but in a manner that does not allow a lot of misinterpretation. You guys made the rule, he needs to be on the team and follow it. You have lots of other expenses and you made this decision because it is logical and sensible. Of course, gift giving can be so NOT logical and or sensible. If you compliment him for wanting to be really thinking of you and thinking of a great gift, that is important too, but I would not just act like the conversation was for nothing.

 

[zdrastvootya]

Date: 10/29/2007 3:48:52 PM
Author: rainwood
Robbie -

The most important thing for you and your husband is to establish a way that a saver and a spender can have a happy marriage with a minimum of money-related conflict. You and your husband have different styles, different emotions, and different personalities when it comes to financial things. And the reality is that neither of you is going to change drastically so you have to work with who each of you are. Trust me on this. My husband and I have a spender/saver marriage too (and we''re headed toward our 30th anniversary) and we''ve had to come up with strategies to accommodate who each of us are, not what we''d like the other person to be.

First, you need to NOT look at any of these money-related issues as who is being reasonable and who is being unreasonable or who is right and who is wrong. If you do, one of the two of you always ends up on the losing end of the equation, and that won''t work in the long run. I don''t think either of you is being unreasaonble, nor do I think either of you is being reasonable. You''re each reacting to the same situation based on your ''money'' personality. He wants to get his new wife a Christmas present, you want to save for a house. There''s nothing inherently wrong with either of those positions.

Second, you''ll each need to move toward common ground on financial issues, and that means each of you moving toward a middle position. Compromise. You''ll have to agree to spend more than you would otherwise, and he''ll have to agree to spend less. And sometimes that won''t be easy or fun, but it''s the only way to make it work in the end. You''ve married a great guy who happens to be a spender. He''s married a great gal who happens to be a saver.

Maybe in the Christmas present situation it means finding a way to cut down on your gift list for others and come to an agreement on what you spend on each other. If he sees the dollar limit as a ''floor'' rather than a ''ceiling'' then that needs to get factored in to where you set the limit. Or maybe you have a total Christmas budget and any money spent on the two of you decreases the amount left for the ''ton'' of presents for others. Or you don''t spend the same on each other. There''s lots of ways to approach this. The only bad way is to say I''m being reasonable and you''re not. That''s guaranteed not to work.

I agree with a lot that is said here. I being male hear what strikes me as more of a female approach, in all the yay''s. I think there is a balance to be struck. The spending on one item at Christmas is relatively small compared to the price of a house. I would allow b-day and xmas gifts that were smaller price-tag, and I''d try to cut back on other purchases.

I also thought that gifts should be cut back for others if possible. How much are you spending on them vs. yourselves? (rhetorical)


(I''m told I''m remembering incorrectly, but I''m sure Mrs. Z stated, once I agreed that buying a house was in the plan, that we would no longer spend on any non-essential items. She talked about not buying summer tennis memberships, which is a huge part of our social/leisure time and costs only $200. I had the reasonableness question come to mind. I think her position slipped once she realized she didn''t want to eat in all the time, and that she wanted to do something other than watch tv when she wasn''t working. I, (pegged as Mr. Spender for doing a week in the sun for the last 5 years) figured we would cut all travel vacations - big bang savings, but now she''s talking about going somewhere.) I have money taken directly off my paycheque - I don''t spend it; I don''t even see it.


Z.

 

[robbie3982]

Thanks for the advice everyone! We talked about it more last night and have decided that my christmas gift can be a new winter coat, which I needed to buy anyway. So now he''s happy that he''s getting me a present and I''m happy that it was something that we needed to buy anyway. Woohoo!

As far as cutting back on presents for others goes, it''s really not an option. We don''t spend much on our parents ($25-$50 depending on what we can find for them), we''re already doing a grab bag with his siblings and cousins (we each have to buy 1 $35 present as opposed to about 20 presents) and we''re only spending $10-$20 on each of the 9 nieces and nephews. I usually just get my sister a sweater (generally under $20). So, we''re already pretty lean and leaving out any of those people would hurt their feelings.

While Christmas presents are such a small expense compared to a house, we''re still in a crunch to save everything we can so that we have enough to not be broke after downpayment and closing costs. We haven''t officially decided on a particular house, but I want to be sure that we can make an offer when we do find exactly what we''re looking for.

 

[Pandora II]

I was think about this last night...

FI and I are both savers and spenders - if that makes sense. Basically we are both spenders, but know we need to save.

We both have our own bank accounts and will keep them that way even after we are married. We both put set amounts of money into savings accounts and after that we can spend as we wish.

Maybe that would work for you - having a target to achieve every month and then having spending money from what is left over.

 

[jcrow]

this was us last year! we had just gotten married in november. my b-day was oct. and his mid dec. so back to back to back gifts.
we kept the gift giving simple but fun. for instance, for his christmas gift, i played the 12 days of xmas. so each day, 12 days out from xmas, he opened a gift. they were small gifts and i tried to be creative to cut costs. but the overall idea itself is one that we will remember forever.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 10/30/2007 9:55:54 AM
Author: Pandora II
I was think about this last night...

FI and I are both savers and spenders - if that makes sense. Basically we are both spenders, but know we need to save.

We both have our own bank accounts and will keep them that way even after we are married. We both put set amounts of money into savings accounts and after that we can spend as we wish.

Maybe that would work for you - having a target to achieve every month and then having spending money from what is left over.

Pandora, we actually both have a budget for buying whatever we want every month. We each have a set amount of money. This is our first month trying this, but so far I think we''re doing pretty well. We went a bit over, but it''s a HUGE improvement from recent months.

Jcrow, I really like that idea for DH''s gifts! It would work out well too since I''m Jewish. It would be like combining traditions!

 

[susi]

Just my opinion...but, I wouldn''t buy a ton of people Christmas gifts.....why do people do this? My DH and I buy each other gifts and gifts for our daughter. That''s it......

We used to do the immediate families....brothers/sisters/nieces/nephews/MIL/FIL. One year, we decided we were not going to do that anymore. That was 20 years ago and that was it.

No one really cared....I think they were relieved that they didn''t have to buy for us......

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:26:26 PM
Author: susi
Just my opinion...but, I wouldn''t buy a ton of people Christmas gifts.....why do people do this? My DH and I buy each other gifts and gifts for our daughter. That''s it......

We used to do the immediate families....brothers/sisters/nieces/nephews/MIL/FIL. One year, we decided we were not going to do that anymore. That was 20 years ago and that was it.

No one really cared....I think they were relieved that they didn''t have to buy for us......

I''m with you on this one! My husband has 5 siblings (plus their spouses/kids/SO''s) so we do a gift exchange and put a dollar limit on it. Otherwise, it''s too much money to spend. We buy small things for our parents and my sister. I buy something for my boss and my best girlfriend and that''s about it.

Robbie: I see it''s been settled, but I do not think that you are being unreasonable at all. Saving for a house is sooo important, and I wish I''d done that earlier in life. Good luck on your search!

~Jess~

 

[winternight]

I''m completely against the grain on this one, I think you might be being unreasonable. This is what I think, you both need some individual money set aside from your budget to do whatever you like with, including buying presents with. I''ve been on my own for a long time and when I get married we''re going to have our mutual account and our separate accounts. I think to second guess every purchase gets irritating. If I want to buy something I don''t want to have to ''check-in'' I need some freedom there. In my opinion, he should have some of his own money to spend how he likes and so should you.

I''m really surprised someone would be angry because someone who loved them wanted to buy a present? I mean returning something because it won''t be used is fine, but being upset just baffles me. Then again I don''t know what kind of dent in your plans $200 will make. Also, I tend to think if I bought someone flowers and they were angry that might really upset me (and be the end of flower buying).