Age Difference

[TooPatient]

FI is 29 years older than me. I'm 26 and he's 55.

The funny thing is that we don't usually notice much of a difference. I've always acted extremely mature for my age (pretty much raised by my grandparents) and look like I'm actually mid-30's. He has aged well (not balding, almost no gray) and people are shocked to hear he isn't in his mid/late 30's to early 40's.

His family lives long lives (most into 100's or just shy of 100's), mine die early (60's-70's, few 80's). We're also a great match for energy and activity levels as well as interests.

 

[Laila619]

DH and I are 4 years apart. Perfect. We are of the same era, so we speak the same lanquage, think the same thoughts, know the same songs, have the same experiences based on when and how we grew up and became adults.

Exactly the same. My hub is 4 years older than I am. I think that's a nice difference.

ETA: I once dated a guy 7.5 years older. He just acted so old and sort of geeky. I secretly thought he was grandpa-ish, lol. But then I once dated a guy 10 years older, and he seemed quite young and immature. So I really think it all depends on the people involved, in terms of maturity and acting one's age.

 

[Haven]

DH is 10.5 years older than I am. We are so utterly happy together, and our lives fit so well together, that it is always a bit jarring to see our actual age difference in black and white. I don't say this because it's a problem to have an age difference, I say this because it is strange to think that we grew up in such different times because it rarely shows.

Currently, I'm 30 and he's 41. When we met, I was 23 and he was 34.

I don't think our relative maturity levels have anything to do with why we work so well together. We just do. Our innate beliefs about life, and the way we perceive and react to the world around us, are very much in sync. Yes, it was shocking to learn that I was falling in love with a man who loves Rush , but otherwise, it's never been an issue.

The only times I ever really felt our age spread were when we were:
- When I went to his buddy's 40th birthday party several years ago and realized that many of his friends had teenage or tween-aged children.
- When I met his good friend who, upon learning I am also a U of I grad, asked "Oh, when did you graduate?" My answer: 2002. His: 1992.

I will say that we are each totally devoted to the decades in which we came of age, though. He loves the 80s, and I'm a 90s girl through-and-through.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

D is 16 months older than I am. I've never dated an older guy, but would have no qualms about it. As it is, I like that D and I are close in age. Often we'll say something like "Remember when the skip-it came out?? Oh my gosh, I wanted one of those so bad!"...so we sort of experienced pop culture at the same age.

D's uncle is in his mid-sixties and is dating a woman in her mid-twenties. I think that is a bit much--I don't see how they have anything in common. But who knows!

 

[Autumnovember]

My husband is 3 years older than me. I've never dated anyone seriously who was more than 4 years older than me. I briefly dated a guy who was 27 when I was a freshman in college, but he was too immature for even an 18 year-old so it didn't last long!

I think most of the time men in their late 20s/30s who date much younger women are immature. Once everyone is 30+ (say a 30 yo woman with a 40 yo man) there seems to be less of a maturity gap.

I wouldn't say that. At least not in my situation. I'll be 24 and SO is 38...I wouldn't call him immature. I may be misunderstanding what you're saying though!!

 

[Autumnovember]

DH is 10.5 years older than I am. We are so utterly happy together, and our lives fit so well together, that it is always a bit jarring to see our actual age difference in black and white. I don't say this because it's a problem to have an age difference, I say this because it is strange to think that we grew up in such different times because it rarely shows.

Currently, I'm 30 and he's 41. When we met, I was 23 and he was 34.

I don't think our relative maturity levels have anything to do with why we work so well together. We just do. Our innate beliefs about life, and the way we perceive and react to the world around us, are very much in sync. Yes, it was shocking to learn that I was falling in love with a man who loves Rush , but otherwise, it's never been an issue.

The only times I ever really felt our age spread were when we were:
- When I went to his buddy's 40th birthday party several years ago and realized that many of his friends had teenage or tween-aged children.
- When I met his good friend who, upon learning I am also a U of I grad, asked "Oh, when did you graduate?" My answer: 2002. His: 1992.

I will say that we are each totally devoted to the decades in which we came of age, though. He loves the 80s, and I'm a 90s girl through-and-through.

I enjoyed your response Haven. It's a good outlook. I have yet to notice a difference but I'm sure I will later in life. Doesn't bother me at all though =]

 

[slg47]

FI is 2 years older. I like to tease him about being old but I don't really notice an age difference. Mostly I notice an age difference when we hang out with his friends and I am one of the only ones still in school! I don't think I could date someone more than 5 years older...would just 'feel' weird.

 

[Autumnovember]

DH and I are 4 years apart. Perfect. We are of the same era, so we speak the same lanquage, think the same thoughts, know the same songs, have the same experiences based on when and how we grew up and became adults.

Exactly the same. My hub is 4 years older than I am. I think that's a nice difference.

ETA: I once dated a guy 7.5 years older. He just acted so old and sort of geeky. I secretly thought he was grandpa-ish, lol. But then I once dated a guy 10 years older, and he seemed quite young and immature. So I really think it all depends on the people involved, in terms of maturity and acting one's age.

Laila, I agree it. It does depend on both people involved. I know some guys close to FI's age that still act 18...it would never work out.

 

[Autumnovember]

Only 3 years between my husband and I, but he's way more into 80s music than I am.

Nothing wrong with a big age gap, as long as youre both happy.

I've always been wary of loving someone much older than me, as statistically he would die earlier than me, and much earlier, and I just couldn't handle that. I'm biased because I often see what couples go through when one of them is dying of cancer. I appreciate that I may be the only person here who thinks so practically like this!

But at the end of the day, you love who you love, and no age difference is going to change that. And no one can predict the future. And I too would take my chances, rather than turn love away.

I was equally wary - my grandmothers both married men more than 10 years older than them and have spent a long time as widows. I will also say that I was prepared to walk away from men with children or men who were too much older - I believe there is more than one person out there who could be right for you...

My younger sister married a man 8 years older than her and I have noticed that she seems much more middle-aged and further on in her life than my husband and I - not in terms of income or property or anything like that, just in mindset. Both my husband and hers were on extended job hunts until recently and he was being turned down because of his age and worrying about medicals etc which just weren't reasons that are even on our radar yet.

So, while I think it can work well - my parents are very happily married and just celebrated 40 years together - and really makes no difference on an emotional level, I did conciously choose to look for someone close to my age.

Sorry, I can't agree. Anything in life can happen....including FI outliving me. I can get into a car accident tomorrow and die. Who knows? I don't care about the statistics when it comes to this...for a few reasons. I could not ever imagine not continuing my relationship with FI based on a statistic...thats completely absurd to me.

 

[iheartscience]

My husband is 3 years older than me. I've never dated anyone seriously who was more than 4 years older than me. I briefly dated a guy who was 27 when I was a freshman in college, but he was too immature for even an 18 year-old so it didn't last long!

I think most of the time men in their late 20s/30s who date much younger women are immature. Once everyone is 30+ (say a 30 yo woman with a 40 yo man) there seems to be less of a maturity gap.

I wouldn't say that. At least not in my situation. I'll be 24 and SO is 38...I wouldn't call him immature. I may be misunderstanding what you're saying though!!

Like I said, most of the time that's what I've observed. You could be the exception, of course!

 

[Autumnovember]

My husband is 3 years older than me. I've never dated anyone seriously who was more than 4 years older than me. I briefly dated a guy who was 27 when I was a freshman in college, but he was too immature for even an 18 year-old so it didn't last long!

I think most of the time men in their late 20s/30s who date much younger women are immature. Once everyone is 30+ (say a 30 yo woman with a 40 yo man) there seems to be less of a maturity gap.

I wouldn't say that. At least not in my situation. I'll be 24 and SO is 38...I wouldn't call him immature. I may be misunderstanding what you're saying though!!

Like I said, most of the time that's what I've observed. You could be the exception, of course!

Weirdly enough...we've been an exception to a lot of things. It's always been weird to us. We've beaten a lot of the odds that have been against us...including the age thing.

 

[Haven]

Only 3 years between my husband and I, but he's way more into 80s music than I am.

Nothing wrong with a big age gap, as long as youre both happy.

I've always been wary of loving someone much older than me, as statistically he would die earlier than me, and much earlier, and I just couldn't handle that. I'm biased because I often see what couples go through when one of them is dying of cancer. I appreciate that I may be the only person here who thinks so practically like this!

But at the end of the day, you love who you love, and no age difference is going to change that. And no one can predict the future. And I too would take my chances, rather than turn love away.

I was equally wary - my grandmothers both married men more than 10 years older than them and have spent a long time as widows. I will also say that I was prepared to walk away from men with children or men who were too much older - I believe there is more than one person out there who could be right for you...

My younger sister married a man 8 years older than her and I have noticed that she seems much more middle-aged and further on in her life than my husband and I - not in terms of income or property or anything like that, just in mindset. Both my husband and hers were on extended job hunts until recently and he was being turned down because of his age and worrying about medicals etc which just weren't reasons that are even on our radar yet.

So, while I think it can work well - my parents are very happily married and just celebrated 40 years together - and really makes no difference on an emotional level, I did conciously choose to look for someone close to my age.

Sorry, I can't agree. Anything in life can happen....including FI outliving me. I can get into a car accident tomorrow and die. Who knows? I don't care about the statistics when it comes to this...for a few reasons. I could not ever imagine not continuing my relationship with FI based on a statistic...thats completely absurd to me.

I see the logic behind consciously choosing a partner who is close to your age. Whether it's conscious or not, I think we weigh a lot of variables when selecting and rejecting potential mates, and to me age just seems like one of the possible considerations.

I also think there's a big difference between ruling out much older men from the outset versus allowing yourself to date and potentially fall in love with a much older man and THEN ruling him out as a potential mate. With the former, you never put yourself in the position of falling in love with someone whose age would be a deal breaker for you. I don't see this as being any different than someone who chooses to date only within her religion, for example. If you don't give yourself the opportunity to fall in love with someone who lacks a particular characteristic you desire, you never have to confront the difficulty that might otherwise arise.

Had I been more marriage-minded when I met DH I may have made the same choice as Pandora. However, I was 23 and fresh out of a stifling relationship, so my goals were less focused on the long-term and more focused on finding someone who would broaden my world a bit. Of course, once I met DH and realized he was an amazing man, I wasn't going to THEN decide he was too old to marry. But I can see how, in an alternate reality, I may have ruled him out as being too old from the get-go if I had been focused on finding a future husband and father for my children. Thank the-deity-of-your-choice that I didn't, of course, but it seems like a very reasonable thing.

 

[chemgirl]

Dh is 5 months older than I am. I do like that we are so similar in age because, like NEL has said, its great to share the same pop culture references. I know that the fact that we both saved our allowance to buy gameboys when we were 7 doesn't really matter, but I like having those types of things in common.

I think age difference matters less when people are older. One of my highschool friends dated somebody in their 40's when he was 17 and I was totally creeped out. It wouldn't have caused the same type of reaction if he were older.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Dh is 5 months older than I am. I do like that we are so similar in age because, like NEL has said, its great to share the same pop culture references. I know that the fact that we both saved our allowance to buy gameboys when we were 7 doesn't really matter, but I like having those types of things in common.

I think age difference matters less when people are older. One of my highschool friends dated somebody in their 40's when he was 17 and I was totally creeped out. It wouldn't have caused the same type of reaction if he were older.

My husband is only 5 months older as well. We are the same "mentally", but physically, he's faired better than me 'cos he still has a great 20-something body, whereas I have had 2 kids, so my body is sagging more. However, if you look at our faces, you'd think he's older 'cos he's got more stress wrinkles

 

[monarch64]

SO is 4 years older than me. At times I think he acts waaaaay older, but that's typically when we're around his circle of friends who are in their 40's and 50's. Several years ago, he "dated" an intern who was 20 and she went crazy on him. Her nickname was "WindowBanger." I think that made him realize that much younger women were not a good idea for him.

My ex-husband was 7 years older than me and we could both feel the difference. He wanted me to grow up, and I wanted him to stop being so stuffy. We were just worlds apart on so many things. He was one of the (very few) oldest at my 10 year reunion, and I was one of the youngest when we got together with his high school friends. It was always just sort of uncomfortable.

Now, when SO and I hang out with my friends and brother and SIL, we are all roughly the same age and doing the same things...we have conversations about current and past pop culture, we remember the same things in the same contexts, and it's nice. We have a good mix of younger and older friends and it's also nice to hear their perspective, but being able to relate to people on the same level is just our preference.

My boss is 44 and his wife is 63. The first time I met her...well, time has not been kind and she has always spent a lot of time in the sun. They seem happy, but their physical appearance as a couple is odd when you find out that she isn't his mother.

 

[soocool]

For one thing, I do not think age matters (unless one is an adult and the other underthe age of consent).

With that said, DH is a few years older than me. I have a network of friends, in which several of the women married men 4- 10 years younger than them. A few married men 10 - 20 years older than them.

One friend who married a much older guy, has been cheating on him for years and he knows and doesn't care. Once he got older and slowed down considerably she did not want to age with him accordingly. While I do not approve of what she is doing, it is out in the open and they are fine with it.

Second friend who married a much older guy, the older guy had a midlife crisis a few years back at age 60 (she was about 46) and first bought a sports car, then a boat, then bought a condo (without my friend's knowledge) and then got a 20 year old girlfriend. They divorced with no kids and he now has 2 little kids with his new 20 something wife.

The last couple, the husband is 12 years older than her (he was married before and he and his first wife were the same age). They get along extremely well. She is now 56 and he just turned 68 and refuses to retire even though she would like him to so they can travel (kids are all grown and out of the house). I have never met a couple who were so in tune with one another. People used to think he was her father, but that has not happened in a while. They always take time out for one another.

 

[amc80]

We are whopping 3.5 months apart...I'm older (he gives me crap about this all the time). I have to say I really like being the same age. We remember the same events, were in the same grades at the same times, etc. My ex was 3 years younger and I was always amazed at the difference three years could make. I would mention something that happened in the mid 80s and he would have no idea what I was talking about. Of course, he is an idiot, so that *could* have had something to do with it

 

[FrekeChild]

I'm 45 days older. I'm my husband's first "older woman"-everyone else he dated was years younger than he was. So for 45 days I give him nonstop grief about being with an older woman.

In reality our maturity levels are very similar - many of our friends go out and drink at bars, go clubbing, whatever else. We both grew up with older parents (my dad was 44 when I was born, my mom 37, his parents were 35 and 33) and we both grew up with much older siblings, his sister is 13 years older than he is, my brothers are 18 and 20 years older than I am. So we were kind of excluded in our families, just by age.

Even if we didn't have that connecting history, we definitely know all of the same stuff and were very much children of the 80s- Nintendo, Super Nintendo, etc. We both dated a lot of people who weren't so similar in age - I dated 3 years younger-6 years older, he dated mostly 3+ years younger and we've talked about how big that small age gap can really be.

 

[yssie]

I'm 4 months older than DH. He looks older, and I look young for my age, so most people assume there's a 5-10yr gap.


It's funny to read some of these responses: despite being virtually the same age DH and I have so little in common thanks to growing up on opposite ends of the planet - him in New England USA, me in NZ/Australia. We certainly don't have shared memories of popular music, IT TV shows and games... things took years to get to the other end of the world, if at all! He skipped two years of school and I skipped one, so we've never been in the same grade-equivalent either - not that it would've mattered anyway, the curriculums and education-tracks were so different.

I remember my little cousin was visiting us from India a couple of years ago (she was 10). We were talking about birthdays, and she was *horrified* to learn that I was older. I believe her words were something like "I wouldn't be with a man even a day younger than me!"... such strong feelings, at ten. I had no idea how to respond!

 

[Autumnovember]

I'm 4 months older than DH. He looks older, and I look young for my age, so most people assume there's a 5-10yr gap.


It's funny to read some of these responses: despite being virtually the same age DH and I have so little in common thanks to growing up on opposite ends of the planet - him in New England USA, me in NZ/Australia. We certainly don't have shared memories of popular music, IT TV shows and games... things took years to get to the other end of the world, if at all! He skipped two years of school and I skipped one, so we've never been in the same grade-equivalent either - not that it would've mattered anyway, the curriculums and education-tracks were so different.

I remember my little cousin was visiting us from India a couple of years ago (she was 10). We were talking about birthdays, and she was *horrified* to learn that I was older. I believe her words were something like "I wouldn't be with a man even a day younger than me!"... such strong feelings, at ten. I had no idea how to respond!

too funny, I hope you laughed...at least on the inside

 

[princesss]

Oddly, I seem to always date younger guys. Not too much younger, but I can't remember a relationship with a guy even a day older than I am. Hmmm. Interesting. I'd actually prefer a guy a few years older than I am (5 is ideal), and since I didn't grow up in the States (or even in just one place in particular), I'm never going to have pop culture in common with whoever I date, or even the same cultural background. Mostly I'm just tired of guys my age doing the whole lazy bum, sit around the house and play video games and drink too much schtick. I have my life in at least some sort of order and I am motivated and focused. I want a guy like that, too. Obviously that depends on the individual, but as a general rule it's not a trait I see much in guys my age.

 

[AmeliaG]

I think most of the time men in their late 20s/30s who date much younger women are immature. Once everyone is 30+ (say a 30 yo woman with a 40 yo man) there seems to be less of a maturity gap.

They're out there - they're just not the type of guys that women their age are attracted to.

My brother's best friend is the most loving, responsible guy I know. He has been helping take care of his sick mother since he was 12, bought his own car when he was 16, bought his own house at 20, at 18 he went to work for his father in the repair business, when he was 21 his father fell ill and he took over the business, and started taking care of both of them.

He's not ambitious career-wise and most single women his age are. They think he's the sweetest, most lovable guy ever but not marriage material. They'd rather marry someone with ambition who is solely focused on building a new life with them.

At 30, he married a 21 year old girl - she's not ambitious either, she's very caring also, and she doesn't mind that he also care for his parents, she's pitches in to help. She had to seek him out though; he was never into the dating scene and he can't flirt to save his life. They're happy but its a particular lifestyle you have to be comfortable with.

 

[monarch64]

AN, I agree, there are men in their 20's who are motivated, mature, ambitious, etc. They seemed to be few and far between when I was that age, though! SO was always that way, (like your bro's BF) he graduated h.s. a semester early, got his undergrad, went to grad school, traveled overseas by himself for a few months, worked for the fed. gov't., started his own consulting firm, etc. Nonstop since he was a kid. I really admire that in a person! I think there are just more slackers in the world than survivors/movers and shakers...that's been my experience, anyway.

 

[AmeliaG]

That's just it monarch. My brother's friend is very responsible but NOT very ambitious career-wise. This was a big turn-off for a lot of women. He makes a decent living running his father's repair business but he's not well off by any stretch of the imagination - a doctor or a lawyer in a good paying specialty would earn more. If he dies wealthy, its probably going to be due to very frugal saving (neither one of them likes to spend money) and some careful investments (he's started to cautiously invest in some property) I don't like to throw stereotypes around but he's what some people would call a redneck. He's got very good business sense so I wouldn't be surprised to later find out he has a couple of million in the bank but wealth and status aren't a priority for either of them. With a good head on his shoulders, he and his wife never be broke but he's not looking for the lifestyle that a lot of single women his age are. That's why I think he finally found his soulmate.

 

[luv2sparkle]

3 mos. Just the way I like it. Almost exactly the same age.

 

[HollyS]

Haven -- my DH is a U of I grad! 1977!

I don't know whether that should make you feel really young, or make me feel really old . . .

 

[Haven]

Haven -- my DH is a U of I grad! 1977!

I don't know whether that should make you feel really young, or make me feel really old . . .

WOOOOOOOT! It just makes me feel like I'm in good company.

Shout out to Mr. Holly:

I!-L!-L!

 

[texaskj]

First husband was two years older, second husband was three years younger.
There's a glorious six weeks out of the year when SO and I are the same age; he's younger.
I worked with a woman who married a man 40, you read that right, 40 years older. And she was an absolute wreck when he died of Alzheimers after being in a nursing home for quite a number of years.

Haven...which U of I?

 

[AprilBaby]

We were at U of I in 1992! Husband was finishing his PhD. Fun times!

We are 3 years apart. My father and stepmother were 10 years apart. Worked fine until he turned 60. Didn't go so well after that as she became "old" like him ( he was prematurely old) and they didn't have any fun because he was disabled and couldn't do anything anymore. He died at 72 and she was a 62 yr old widow. Now she is 75 and she has an 88 yr old bf. Go figure.

 

[LGK]

My husband and I are about a year and a few months apart, so no real age difference there. My best friend, however, is 10 years younger than I am. It's funny because I know we both forget there's a big age gap, and then she'll bust out with something like "OMG remember when Nirvana was popular and I was in diapers?" or something like that. And that reminds me pretty thoroughly! I know she forgets too, which is funny. Mostly though we are pretty much on the same wavelength- neither of us were majorly into pop culture... anything... and that's what tends to date you mostly I think. We actually have known each other for, oh lord, 7 or 8 years I guess. And as time goes on the age gap is less noticeable for sure.

ETA: I'm remarkably immature for my age in some ways, as is DH, so I think that's partly why I get along so well with my younger BFF- and he does too. We keep swearing one day we'll grow up and be responsible adults, but so far, not so much I did finally get a real bedroom set though rather than setting the mattresses on the floor. About two years ago.