Waiting to TTC...

[NYCsparkle]

my bf told her husband she was pregnant(on april fools) and he was dissappointed when he found out it was a joke. before then he kept saying he didn''t know if he was ready. i guess when "reality" hits your dh''s will be supportive. it was only 6 months later that they really were pregnant. my dh and i got pregnant on our honeymoon

and he says it was the best thing we did. now we are contemplating having another---our ds is almost 2, but i''m a lot more nervous this time around.....not for the pregnancy, thats the easy part, but for a toddler and a newborn. it is a life changing decision, but for me the best. you can''t just get up and go, do the things you want, eat a meal peacefully, sleep in.....ahhh those were the days

. your life revolves around this little person. their schedule is yours too. for those "non motherly types" it''ll kick in.

 

[erica k]

For names, this is my favorite search engine: Name Voyager

 

[jcrow]

um, number? one. or twins. that''s it.

 

[Fancy605]

I am definitely NOT TTC. NOT any time soon; maybe not ever. My friends who have kids think I''m crazy not to want them. The majority of my friends who don''t have kids think it''s crazy to want them (though I have some who have the life ambition of being a mom). Personally, I could not picture my husband and myself with a baby right now or in the next 2 years. We still love having our friends over all the time and taking random trips. I think now I am also just too selfish with my time to think of giving up enough of it for a kid. Plus, I''m just a teacher and he''s a law student, so I don''t know where a kid would fit into any of that yet. Maybe once he is a lawyer we''ll think about it. But for now--no way.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/7/2008 8:41:41 PM
Author: Fancy605
I am definitely NOT TTC. NOT any time soon; maybe not ever. My friends who have kids think I''m crazy not to want them. The majority of my friends who don''t have kids think it''s crazy to want them (though I have some who have the life ambition of being a mom). Personally, I could not picture my husband and myself with a baby right now or in the next 2 years. We still love having our friends over all the time and taking random trips. I think now I am also just too selfish with my time to think of giving up enough of it for a kid. Plus, I''m just a teacher and he''s a law student, so I don''t know where a kid would fit into any of that yet. Maybe once he is a lawyer we''ll think about it. But for now--no way.

I felt like that till a year or so ago.

I''m still not what I would call broody - although FI who ''never, ever wanted children'' is now obsessed with them. My mother says his eyes light up when he sees children and she can hear it in his voice when he talks about us having some.

I am very selfish with my time, but hey - we have boarding schools!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/7/2008 2:20:36 PM
Author: erica k
For names, this is my favorite search engine: Name Voyager

That''s a really cool website!

For those on the edge I really would wait until you are ready. Your entire life changes once your child is born. I love being a mom but it is hard, selfless work. There are days I walk around in a trance covered in poop and vomit. Glamorous huh?

 

[Sha]

Thanks for posting that link, Erica! I will check it out.

Pandora, it’s interesting that certain names are tied to particular classes in the UK. Do people automatically assume someone is from a certain class when they hear a particular name? For example, on a resume? I find that interesting...

On another note, how did your husband switch from not wanting babies to wanting them?

Tacori, does your life really change that much? Do you still get to go out and have fun with your DH? That’s my DH’s argument about not being ready – he’s scared about the life change, which I understand... but is it really that bad?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Sha, I haven''t been to the movies since before she was born....7 months ago. DH and I also haven''t been on a "date" since she was born. We don''t have local family to babysit (or found a babysitter we trust) so that is the main reason. Of course most of the time I would be tired anyways since she wakes up at 7 am. So yeah...life changes

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/8/2008 8:46:40 PM
Author: Sha
Tacori, does your life really change that much? Do you still get to go out and have fun with your DH? That’s my DH’s argument about not being ready – he’s scared about the life change, which I understand... but is it really that bad?

If you are questioning whether you are ready or not Sha, I highly suggest seeing if you can spend some time with a friend who has recently had a baby. Your life becomes the baby, at least for a number of months. It''s eye opening if you haven''t ever been around infants and new moms before.

 

[KimberlyH]

Sha,

I hope you take this as it is intended, sincere concern as opposed to snarkiness. You have expressed your husbands'' lack of surity about having a child on several occasions and your determination to move forward with having a baby. While I am not yet a parent I know this, a child will change your life drastically in ways you cannot even fathom, both good and bad, and your relationship should be on solid footing, and your opinions about both having children and how they should be raised, should be discussed ad nauseum prior to deciding to "TTC" so that you are of one mind regarding the subject.

Personally, I cannot imagine deciding to have a child if my husband were not totally on board, because it is not just about my husbands'' commitment to me, but to a child who deserves to be wanted by both parents who are excited about having and raising a human being to become a successful, independent adult.

As for your original question, we have decided we want at least one child, at some point in the future. I am almost 31, he is almost 40, and neither of us is in a rush, because we both want to be as prepared as possible both financially and emotionally before we take that step. I am a soon-to-be graduate of a master''s program, I work, I enjoy my husband and our relationship and I am comfortable with knowing that when the right time comes we will have a child, but that time is not quite here and I am going to enjoy every minute of the life we have now, because he is an amazing partner and I so enjoy him and the life we have created together.

 

[Sha]

I hear what you’re saying, Kimberley, and I appreciate your concern. This is something that DH and I discussed before we got married. He’s always said he’s not big on having children and could do just as well without them, but he agreed to have at least two if it was that important to me (it was important enough to be a ‘dealbreaker’). I know that it’s not the ‘best’ attitude with which to approach fatherhood, and I really wish he could be more enthusiastic about it, because I know it will take his time and energy and effort as well, but it is what it is. We both knew each other’s feelings on the subject before we got married, so it’s not like I’m determined to push ahead with something he didn’t agree to –although the timing of TTC still has to be discussed some more... it’s not a guarantee it will be as soon as I want it, and I’m not going to force it on him either. Truthfully, though, I don’t think he’ll ever really be ‘ready’ in the sense of – “okay, let’s TTC on X date”! It’ll probably take a lot of gentle persusasion on my part to get him to that point of ‘readiness’.

Other than that, though, we have a great relationship, and I do think we would be a good father as well. I also feel that his lack of readiness to have children stems a lot from him having to take care of his younger siblings when he was a child/teenager, which I don’t think will necessarily translate to him as an adult having his own children. But that’s just speculation on my part. We’ll have to see how it goes.

 

[KimberlyH]

Sha,

I''m so glad my post came across as intended and that you have discussed this at length (not that it''s my business, but because you''ve addressed this issue on PS several times). I voiced my concern because I have seen several marriages affected in horribly negative ways because spouses weren''t in agreement on children. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope he comes around sooner rather than later.

~K

 

[Tacori E-ring]

The early months can really be a strain on the marriage. No sleep really takes it''s toll. I agree with Kim, having a baby will not bring you closer initially. Of course now that everything has settled down I LOVE seeing DH with our DD. My heart swells with love and pride.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 6/8/2008 11:44:52 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Sha,


I hope you take this as it is intended, sincere concern as opposed to snarkiness. You have expressed your husbands'' lack of surity about having a child on several occasions and your determination to move forward with having a baby. While I am not yet a parent I know this, a child will change your life drastically in ways you cannot even fathom, both good and bad, and your relationship should be on solid footing, and your opinions about both having children and how they should be raised, should be discussed ad nauseum prior to deciding to ''TTC'' so that you are of one mind regarding the subject.

Lol, we discuss the parenting of our imaginary "what-if-we-accidentally-had-one" babies all the time (namely when I make mention of something ridiculous that happened at work (I teach) Or when we see instances of bad parenting in public or on the news or when we discuss the pros and cons of our own upbringings). My DH and I are about 95% on the same page as far as what to do with a baby goes (just in case it ever accidentally happens). Fortunately for me, he is 100% on board with me when I say, "not right now."

Sha--do any of your DH''s friends have children? I bet as soon as people you guys hang out with start having kids, he''ll suddenly be a bit more open to the idea.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 6/9/2008 2:31:36 PM
Author: Fancy605

Date: 6/8/2008 11:44:52 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Sha,


I hope you take this as it is intended, sincere concern as opposed to snarkiness. You have expressed your husbands'' lack of surity about having a child on several occasions and your determination to move forward with having a baby. While I am not yet a parent I know this, a child will change your life drastically in ways you cannot even fathom, both good and bad, and your relationship should be on solid footing, and your opinions about both having children and how they should be raised, should be discussed ad nauseum prior to deciding to ''TTC'' so that you are of one mind regarding the subject.

Lol, we discuss the parenting of our imaginary ''what-if-we-accidentally-had-one'' babies all the time (namely when I make mention of something ridiculous that happened at work (I teach) Or when we see instances of bad parenting in public or on the news or when we discuss the pros and cons of our own upbringings). My DH and I are about 95% on the same page as far as what to do with a baby goes (just in case it ever accidentally happens). Fortunately for me, he is 100% on board with me when I say, ''not right now.''

Sha--do any of your DH''s friends have children? I bet as soon as people you guys hang out with start having kids, he''ll suddenly be a bit more open to the idea.

DH and I play these games as well, Fancy. And the name game, and why is that kid so rotten? And other silly things. I know he gets tired of talking about it, but I think it''s important for us to play "what if" including "What would you do if I died?" My husband is in no rush to have children, we both agree it''s not the right time, but if birth control failed us I''d be secure in knowing that we''ve discussed these things at length.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/8/2008 8:46:40 PM
Author: Sha
Thanks for posting that link, Erica! I will check it out.

Pandora, it’s interesting that certain names are tied to particular classes in the UK. Do people automatically assume someone is from a certain class when they hear a particular name? For example, on a resume? I find that interesting...

On another note, how did your husband switch from not wanting babies to wanting them?

Tacori, does your life really change that much? Do you still get to go out and have fun with your DH? That’s my DH’s argument about not being ready – he’s scared about the life change, which I understand... but is it really that bad?

Pretty much.

Some names are fairly neutral, but others are much more class specific.

If I saw a resume from Tarquin or Rupert and another one from Gavin or Kevin I would be suprised if Rupert lived on a welfare project and if Gavin had been to Eton!

Felicity is unlikely to be a teenage mother, and Jade is probably not going to have a PhD.

Obviously these are generalisations - but probably statistically accurate.


I don't really know why FI changed his mind about children - I do think it's easier for men to contemplate kids. They don't have to be pregnant, give birth, get up at night, sacrifice their career etc Their lives don't change nearly as much as ours.

It was probably just a natural progression of serious relationship, engagement etc plus he thinks the Science Museum would be more fun with a kid! I said we could probably borrow one if necessary - we didn't have to keep one permanently

 

[Tacori E-ring]

pandora, that is so interesting about the names. I don''t think it is like that here in the US.

 

[Sha]

Tacori,
.... I see what you mean about life changing....

That sucks.

 

[Sha]

Date: 6/9/2008 6:43:09 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 6/8/2008 8:46:40 PM
Author: Sha
Thanks for posting that link, Erica! I will check it out.

Pandora, it’s interesting that certain names are tied to particular classes in the UK. Do people automatically assume someone is from a certain class when they hear a particular name? For example, on a resume? I find that interesting...

On another note, how did your husband switch from not wanting babies to wanting them?

Tacori, does your life really change that much? Do you still get to go out and have fun with your DH? That’s my DH’s argument about not being ready – he’s scared about the life change, which I understand... but is it really that bad?

Pretty much.

Some names are fairly neutral, but others are much more class specific.

If I saw a resume from Tarquin or Rupert and another one from Gavin or Kevin I would be suprised if Rupert lived on a welfare project and if Gavin had been to Eton!

Felicity is unlikely to be a teenage mother, and Jade is probably not going to have a PhD.

Obviously these are generalisations - but probably statistically accurate.


I don''t really know why FI changed his mind about children - I do think it''s easier for men to contemplate kids. They don''t have to be pregnant, give birth, get up at night, sacrifice their career etc Their lives don''t change nearly as much as ours.

It was probably just a natural progression of serious relationship, engagement etc plus he thinks the Science Museum would be more fun with a kid! I said we could probably borrow one if necessary - we didn''t have to keep one permanently

Interesting! I guess it''s similar to how some names are considered ''ghetto'' in the black community- like ''Shaquanda'', for example. I didn''t know there were those name/class distinctions in the U.K, though. Very interesting!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/9/2008 7:03:00 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
pandora, that is so interesting about the names. I don''t think it is like that here in the US.

It sure is like that in the US! I had never thought about the name issue until I read "Freakonomics" which has a whole chapter devoted to names. There is an interesting analysis of how names start out upper class and then over the course of about 15 years trickle down to the lower classes. Like the top 10 names amongst highly educated people in the 80s became the top 10 names amongst lower socio-economic staus people 15 years later. For example, Brittany was a very richy-rich name in the early 80s, and now it is a lower class name (statistically speaking). There is a really funny appendix with about 200 names organized in terms of how many years of education (on average) mothers have who give the names!

If you haven''t read it, it is a really fun and accessible read.

 

[lisa1.01fvs1]

I''ve seen mom''s name their kid "Naveah" - opposite of Heaven.

Yes they are usually around 16.

Oh and then there were the twins named Twin A & Twin B (Twinna, Twinba).
As the mom hadn''t named the babes yet and we did this as usual practice in the hospital to designate the infants!

She came to the NICU and goes, "Oh cool u guys picked out names!! I love them!"

Yep they went down like that on the birth cert.

Or the mom''s who can''t even spell the names they come up with.

Or the usual suspects: Shiloh, Apple, and Suri.

 

[Delster]

Date: 6/9/2008 11:30:51 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 6/9/2008 7:03:00 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
pandora, that is so interesting about the names. I don''t think it is like that here in the US.

It sure is like that in the US! I had never thought about the name issue until I read ''Freakonomics'' which has a whole chapter devoted to names. There is an interesting analysis of how names start out upper class and then over the course of about 15 years trickle down to the lower classes. Like the top 10 names amongst highly educated people in the 80s became the top 10 names amongst lower socio-economic staus people 15 years later. For example, Brittany was a very richy-rich name in the early 80s, and now it is a lower class name (statistically speaking). There is a really funny appendix with about 200 names organized in terms of how many years of education (on average) mothers have who give the names!

If you haven''t read it, it is a really fun and accessible read.

I read that book too dreamer, it''s really interesting stuff!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I guess you guys are right about it being like that here. I guess I never really think about it (except for the OBVIOUS examples) but I would never thought that way about Brittany. Hmmm....interesting. Wonder what Tessa''s name says about her

Sha, it is worth it WHEN YOU ARE READY!!!! Get out all of the selfish desires NOW so you can be ready and willing to embrace your new life. I feel tired and fat most of the time and am hardly ever alone but she is 100% worth it.

 

[Sha]

Date: 6/10/2008 2:55:18 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I guess you guys are right about it being like that here. I guess I never really think about it (except for the OBVIOUS examples) but I would never thought that way about Brittany. Hmmm....interesting. Wonder what Tessa''s name says about her

Sha, it is worth it WHEN YOU ARE READY!!!! Get out all of the selfish desires NOW so you can be ready and willing to embrace your new life. I feel tired and fat most of the time and am hardly ever alone but she is 100% worth it.

!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/10/2008 2:55:18 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I guess you guys are right about it being like that here. I guess I never really think about it (except for the OBVIOUS examples) but I would never thought that way about Brittany. Hmmm....interesting. Wonder what Tessa''s name says about her

Sha, it is worth it WHEN YOU ARE READY!!!! Get out all of the selfish desires NOW so you can be ready and willing to embrace your new life. I feel tired and fat most of the time and am hardly ever alone but she is 100% worth it.

I think there are many names that do have class/cultral leanings here in the US, but don''t worry I don''t think Tessa is one of them! It''s a great name.

Usually here names start out at the "upper class" and will trickle down over the years. So any name that is popular in higher socioeconomic circles now will likely have trickled down to the "masses" in 10-15 years.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

NF, so what are the current upper class names?

 

[Dreamer_D]

As of 2005, "Tess" was associated with 14.83 years of maternal education, which is the equivalent of 2 years University... I think that qualifies as a pretty "high class" name

According to "Freakonomics"

Most Common White Girl Names Among High-Education Parents (2005): Katherine, Emma, Alexandra, Julia, Rachel.
Most Common White Girl Names Among Low-Education Parents: Kayla, Amber, Heather, Brittany, Brianna
Most Common White Boy Names among High-Education Parents: Benjamin, Samual, Alexander, John, William
Most Common White Boy Names Among Low-Education Parents: Cody, Travis, Brandon, Justin, Tyler

Some girls names in order of years of education (years in parentheses):

Lucienne (16.60)
Marie-Claire (16.50)
Glynnis (16.40)
Adair (16.36
Meira (16.27)
Beatrix (16.26)
...
Brenda (11.71)
Destiny (11.66)
Misty (11.61)
Heaven (11.46)
Angel (11.3

Some boys names in order of years of education:

Dov (16.50)
Akiva (16.42)
Sander (16.29)
Yannick (16.20)
Sacha (16.1
Guillaume (16.17)
...
Bobby (11.74)
Billy (11.69)
Jimmy (11.66)
Jessie (11.66)
Joey (11.65)
Ricky (11.55)


Interesting, eh?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks DD! Very interesting!

 

[Pandora II]

Freakonomics is an AMAZING read - I loved it, but then I''m a geek who likes statistics...

The highest names by education on the US lists, would on the whole be regarded as low socio-economic here.

Anything that sounds like a surname, anything too weird.

Flower names are very popular at higher levels right now - Daisy, Poppy, Violet, Lily, Rosie, Flora, Honeysuckle etc

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/10/2008 7:12:37 PM
Author: Pandora II
Freakonomics is an AMAZING read - I loved it, but then I''m a geek who likes statistics...

The highest names by education on the US lists, would on the whole be regarded as low socio-economic here.

Anything that sounds like a surname, anything too weird.

Flower names are very popular at higher levels right now - Daisy, Poppy, Violet, Lily, Rosie, Flora, Honeysuckle etc