On the fence about baby #2...

[MustangGal]

My SIL just had her baby #2, and it''s really got me thinking, and keeping me up at night since my brain won''t shut down.

Some history: baby #1, Kyle, is 16 months old now, and an easy kid. Sleeps 11 hours at night, entertains himself, etc. And I had the most uneventful pregnancy, although it did end in c-section. I was on the fence about kids in the first place, but DH finally wore me down and thus we have 1, but I just don''t know if I want to do it again. We both work FT and I don''t see that changing anytime in the future, so K is in daycare 5 days a week, 8-9 hours a day. We make enough, and have a bit left over, but if we had a second it would get tight and we''d probably not be able to add to our savings or have college funds. DH has said he''s OK with 1 child if that''s what I want, but I can tell he does want a second. The only reason he can give for wanting another is so that K has a sibling, and that just doesn''t seem like enough for me to justify bringing another person into the world. I thought I''d be interested in a #2 to have a girl, but SIL just did, and I''ve now realized that it doesn''t bother me at all to not have a girl of my own. I had a friend once say that I was more of a boy mom, and I''m begining to think she was right. We''re 30 and 31, so age isn''t too much of a factor, but we have agreed that we would not want more than 3 years age difference between the kids. That leaves about 7 months until our drop dead gotta start TTC date.

So the question is, if you were on the fence (or not even near it) about baby #2, what made you decide either way?

 

[KimberlyH]

mg, from everything i''ve read that you''ve written, on this thread and others, if i were in your shoes the answer would be no more kiddos.

in our house the "no" wins when it comes to big issues like kids. my husband was unsure about kids and i didn''t want to have any if he wasn''t totally on board. it''s just too big of a commitment for both of us not to be totally on the same page.

 

[E B]

I'm not on the fence, but I completely agree with all of what Kimberly said.

Date: 6/10/2010 4:41:19 PM
Author: KimberlyH
mg, from everything i've read that you've written, on this thread and others, if i were in your shoes the answer would be no more kiddos.

in our house the 'no' wins when it comes to big issues like kids. my husband was unsure about kids and i didn't want to have any if he wasn't totally on board. it's just too big of a commitment for both of us not to be totally on the same page.

 

[PinkTower]

I was with you until you said you both agreed you only want them three years apart. Since you are unsure of your plans, maybe taking your time would be wise.
I had my first (Boy) at 29 and second (Girl) at 38. It really helps with school tuition, and I feel I get to enjoy them more as individuals.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I think you should leave it be until you feel sure! Yes, 3 year age difference sounds nice, but if you pass the 7 month mark and still are not sure it does not mean you cannot change your mind in another few years for whatever reason. Don''t set deadlines for yourself, it adds too much pressure. If you decide to have a second in 2-3 years, or 5 years, Kyle and his sib will be ok with the larger age difference!

Anyways, my advice is to stop thinking about it. The answer today is not to get preggo. Keep going along your merry way until that answer becomes "Yes!", if it ever does.

 

[Laila619]

Hi,

If you don''t want to have another, why would you? To me, it sounds like you pretty much already decided you only want one.

 

[steph72276]

I thought I was finished having kids after our first son was born. I really enjoyed all the time we had with just him. I started getting the baby bug when he was 4 and my husband was totally on board. My boys are 5 years apart and I absolutely love the age difference. My older one is such a big help to me. I agree you should wait until you are both certain you want another child, because as you know parenting is a ton of work, especially that first year!

 

[MustangGal]

Our thing with the age difference is due to the gaps between us and our siblings. I have 4 years on each side of me, and DH has an 18 months older brother and a 4 years younger brother. The one thing we can agree on is that we would want the kids to at least attend school together, so that rules out more than 3 years (well, 3.5 due to date cut offs for the schools). We also agree that we won''t be having any kids after 35. I''m already feeling too old for it again at 30!

I have my annual check-up next week, at which I plan to ask how long I would have to go between pregnancies to try a VBAC. I do not want another c-section, so that would give us another time line of "we can''t even try before this date" kinda thing.

And even if we do say "no for now", we won''t be making any permamnent changes, so there would be the option later if we changed our minds. I love my Mirena, so we''ll be sticking with that for at least another 4 years

.

 

[NovemberBride]

MG,

I am not on the fence (we''ll definitely be having at least one more), but agree with the others that I would wait until you are sure you want another, but don''t rule out the possibility of having kids more than 3 years apart. I know plenty of people who have siblings further apart than that and they get along great (including myself). I have 2 younger brothers, one 3 years younger and one 9 years younger. I get along great with both of them and we are very close. When we were younger, I had more of a playmate relationship with the middle one and more of a motherly relationship with the youngest (both of which were great, just different). DH and his brother are 5 years apart and they are best friends. I honestly feel that the relationships kids have with siblings has a lot more to do with personality than age difference.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I have no children so feel free to ignore this post... but my mother always says that if you have to work that hard to convince yourself that a decision is wright... it's wrong. Now I don't know you or your family... but it sounds like you're having to do an awful lot of convincing to make this sound like something you want to do. JMHO

ETA: didn't you also in another thread complain about how your husband was guilt- tripping you for not wanting a second kid? Perhaps this is "new baby in the family" insanity and will pass?

 

[megumic]

How will you feel in 5, 10, 20 years from now? How might your son feel? Although now you may feel one way, I always try to consider how a decision will impact my life in the longer term. So maybe consider what it means down the road to only have one child, or to have two. As others have mentioned, it sure is a ton of work and quite the financial commitment, but I'm certain some can see the long-term benefits outweighing the short-term struggle (for lack of a better term...) -- and vice versa.

 

[RaiKai]

I am not a parent but I will say I am the oldest of my siblings. Due to my mum having several miscarriages, the next did not come along until 5 and 7 years after me (I later also had step siblings and half siblings no older than that either). I have to say, I really enjoyed that gap. I enjoyed being a real big sister even if my two younger ones had a bond due to closer age, I had a bond of my own with them and it has been amazing seeing them grow into the adults they are (now almost 26 and recently 24)! It was different than if we had been closer in age, but not one I would change!

I do not believe in time pressures. If you are not ready to have another, you are not ready. Do not let a "timeline" add pressure. There are a lot of things I thought at 20 I would have done by 30 and I did not and am now almost 31 and that is a-ok! I no longer base my goals and so forth in life on things like age and so on. Life is grand that way! You can always change your mind!

Maybe in 4-5 years you WILL feel ready and I bet if you want one bad enough you won''t give a damn how old you are or what the gap might be.

 

[RaiKai]

And to add...that was my way of saying go by what you want NOW. That to me sounds like no baby.

Do not worry about the later.you can worry about the later when you get there...ha ha.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 6/11/2010 11:24:07 AM
Author: MustangGal
Our thing with the age difference is due to the gaps between us and our siblings. I have 4 years on each side of me, and DH has an 18 months older brother and a 4 years younger brother. The one thing we can agree on is that we would want the kids to at least attend school together, so that rules out more than 3 years (well, 3.5 due to date cut offs for the schools). We also agree that we won''t be having any kids after 35. I''m already feeling too old for it again at 30!

I hear you. I just want to encourage you not to set rules or limits for yourself. In the end, while in some ways it could be "better" with a 3 year difference, if you are not ready in 7 months but you are in 3 years, then I am pretty sure your future kid would forgive you

And a happy committed mom of kids 5 years apart is so much better than an ambivalent mom of kids 3 years apart. Anyways, you guys will make the right choice, I just feel bad when I see people put limits or timelines of things in their lives that add stress by making it seem like it in "now or never" when in fact, it is of course a much more flexible thing. I don''t just mean about kids, but lots of life decisions.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I believe you need to 100% sure. Don''t get hung up on the details. It is NOT now or never. You are young. My brother is 6 years younger and we are much closer than my sister who is 3.5 years older.

 

[MustangGal]

I think part of why I don''t feel the burning desire to give Kyle a sibling is that I''m not all that close with any of mine. I have a brother 4 years older, sisters 4.5 and 6.5 years younger, and my baby brother is 13 years younger. Growing up my sisters shared a room, played together, etc. My brother was a bully and didn''t want to deal with a baby sister, so he either played tricks on me or ignored me. And I was pretty much old enough to be the mother to my little brother, but at an age that I didn''t want anything to do with babies. Now that we''re adults, we all get along OK, but that''s about it. DH has a better relationship with his brothers, which I think is what makes him believe Kyle needs a sibling. I''ve tried to get him to understand that even if you bring them into the same household, there''s no guarentee that they''ll get along. I know there''s just as much chance that they will too though.

I confronted DH about his mopey faces when I mention no #2, and he''s still saying he''s OK with it if that''s what I want. Sometimes it''s nice to be the decision maker in the family, but other times I hate that I can''t get a straight answer out of him!

Thanks for your opinions ladies, it''s helps to get perspective from all walks of life

.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I don''t think you have a second kid to give your first kid a sibling. Though it sounds selfish, I think you have a kid for yourself and the enjoyment you think you would get out of having another kid, and, well, for creating another life!

There, that second one is not selfish

. Even if kid 2 doesn''t really like kid 1, or vice versa, Kid 2 would still probably be happy to be alive!

Maybe kid 2 will make an important contribution to the world? Maybe kid two is the one who will look after you when you are old. Who knows. The sibling relationship is important for sure, but ultimately it is not the reason for the second child''s existence, or shouldn''t be in my book.

But ultimately, there are not *reasons* for ever having kids. It is not logic. And we cannot control what happens in the future. The sibs might be thick as theives, barely tolerate each other, see you every week or once a year. Who knows? I think you just throw logic out the window and listen to your gut when it comes down to the decision, personally. Either you want another kid -- for who knows what reason -- or you never do. There is no right or wrong decision, and no good or bad reasons.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

As someone who has kids 22 months apart, a 3 or more year age difference is looking pretty darn good right now! Granted, we''re in the beginning of some rough months (DD turned 2 last month, DS was born 2 months ago), but I can totally see how having a bigger age difference would be really helpful. Your older child would be much more independent, which would be a HUGE help when having a newborn. No dealing with the Terrible Twos and both in diapers. I could go on and on!

FWIW, I felt very similar to you in terms of wanting even 1 kid. After we adopted #1, I was pretty much done. DH wanted a 2nd, but I had decided I was one and done. Three days after making that decision, we found out #2 was on the way. So now we''re two and through! I also had the age 35 as my deadline and just squeaked in there, as I''m 34 and DH is 36. Good luck to you!

 

[marcy]

I would wait until you are 100% sure.

 

[Courtneylub]

I was an only child and all I wanted was a sibling. That''s mainly why I''m having more than 1 child.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Date: 6/15/2010 8:01:21 PM
Author: Courtneylub
I was an only child and all I wanted was a sibling. That''s mainly why I''m having more than 1 child.

I am an only child too, but the times when I have wished for a sibling were rare and fleeting. I LOVE being an only child.

 

[Mara]

I was an only child til I was 9 and all I THOUGHT I wanted was a sibling, someone to play with! Guess what...when Mom had a kid when I was 9... out comes a BABY. Not a twin. Not a playmate. A baby that I then had to help take care of...

. Plus the age diff for us was just too large.

I have 2 sisters, one I am very close with (16 years age diff so I was more like a 2nd mother), and one I am not. I would not have another child to give J a sibling, there's no guarantee they will get along or even like each other, and I don't believe that blood is thicker than water. If there was a 2nd, it would be because we absolutely both wanted to, not for anyone else.

MG...take your time and see... as others have said there's no hard and fast rule and you never know. But there's nothing wrong with one.

 

[MustangGal]

I saw the doc Tuesday, and she says I''m good to go for a VBAC anytime. But of course I''m even more sure I don''t want a #2! I asked DH more about his feelings, and he now says that while he would like a second, we''ll also be just fine with Kyle. Then he points out all the stuff I keep buying for my new niece

, and wouldn''t I have more fun shopping for my own daughter. This is the man that''s scared to death of raising a girl! I think I enjoy being able to spoil my niece and will be able to give her back when I''ve had enough.

And thank you to the only children that have weighed in, that helps! The only ones I know IRL are spoiled rotten brats, which isn''t helping DH see how an only can be.

 

[Brynn]

Ditto! I would give my left arm for a sib. Hard to say, but I think even for one that I wasn''t all that close with.

 

[Sha]

I doubt you'll ever be 100% sure about this decision, either way. If time passes and you're still unsure, then maybe you'll just have to make the choice you feel most comfortable with and then make up your mind to deal with the pros/cons of that decision aftewards.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I am an only child and totally perfect

so you can use me an an example for your husband.

 

[MustangGal]

Of course you''re perfect Dreamer!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

An interesting fact I recently learned is that if siblings are 5 years apart they are each only children in terms of emotional development. Studying Alder and his theories on birth order makes me to think I (as a middle child) have the most chance of dysfunction! Obviously it is not one size fits all but most of my classmates really identified with Alder''s characteristics depending on their birth order.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t have any kids but my husband is an only child and he is the sweetest, most selfless person I know. Seriously, everyone who meets him loves him immediately because he''s such a genuinely nice guy. I, on the other hand, am the youngest of 5 and was definitely more spoiled than he was growing up. In general brattiness I definitely crush him!

Tacori-that''s interesting about the 5 year age difference! I don''t qualify as a 5 year difference only child because I have a twin, but the youngest of my 3 older sibling is 5 years older than we are and I think my twin sister and I definitely had a different upbringing than they did. They used to like to call themselves The Original Family but my twin sister and I knew we had it better than they did!

 

[trillionaire]

If you are content with your family as is, then hold firm.

I am childless and plan to stay that way, unless we adopt.

I will say I''ve never met a parent with more than one kid that regretted their additional kids. (ok, barring extreme cases of a gazillion kids)

I also adore having siblings more than probably anything else on earth. My brother is 15 mos older, and my sister is 4 yrs younger. We have ebbed and flowed in closeness over time, but nothing can make up for the shared experiences... and the holidays are a riot every year! We call each other on 3-way every so often, and those are my favorite calls in the world. Non-stop laughter! We are 23, 27 and 29.

Also, because this has been coming up a lot lately, having 2 little ones at the same time is really tough, but it pays off later when you don''t have to entertain them all the time! ''Go play with your silbling...'' and off they go