My sadness just gets worse by the day...

[pichuchy21]

I usually hang out in BWW and for those of you who might remember my last post was of my wedding pics. I got married to my bff on 7/3 and my amazing mom walked me down the aisle. It was really the best day of my life. I have never been happier. Three days later my mom was in the hospital after suffering from several strokes. Test results came back a few days later and her lung cancer had metastisized to her brain and other parts of her body within a few days. I went home to be by her side and it was so hard to see her deteriorate right before my very eyes. It was so sad to see my mom bed bond not being able to walk, talking incoherently it just messed me up. I came back home to take care of some school stuff and got a call from my sis on Monday 8/11 telling me to drive home because mom was trying to pass. All this time I knew she was bad, but I kept praying that she would get better she always did. SHe was strong. I drove home which is 6 hours away and made it to see my loving mother one last time. She couldn't talk and didn't have her eyes open, but the doctors said she can still hear us. I held her hands and told her how much I love her and how great she was. I didn't want to say bye to her. I was gonna sleep at the hospital, but decided that I didn't want to see my poor mom take her last breath. I left like at 1am and at 4:05am she took one last breath my stepdad said and was gone. I am so sad I feel like I am just giving up. Nothing make me happy anymore not my husband, not my dog, nothing. I miss her deeply. She was not only my mom, but my friend. We talked everyday on the phone in the morning, during lunch, on my drive home, while I cooked, before bed. I feel so lost without her. This is my first loss and I just can't deal with this pain. School starts for me on Monday and I don't even feel like going. For what? I am so mad that she fought so hard did chemo, brain radiation, and this nasty beast called cancer still took her from me. She was 59 years old and I am 25 I still needed her and I just don't understand how eveything happend so fast. I feel scared all the time now, alone I mean she was the one person that I always wanted to make happy and now that she is not here with me I just feel lost without her. Will this pain and emptiness ever go away? I feel so confused right now. Life just isn't gonna be the same without my mom.

 

[absolut_blonde]

OMG. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My mom is my best friend too and I cannot imagine life without her. This isn't the same, but I was very close to my (maternal) grandmother and I took it extremely hard when she passed -- basically, I fell apart. I didn't eat for days. I actually had to seek grief counseling and I found that it did help me cope better. It didn't help the pain, but it helped me function. There is nothing wrong with needing help in a time like this, you know? It is something you could consider if you are having difficulty with day-to-day life.

Again, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was very loved and I am sure she knew that. She was lucky to have you, particularly to have such a good relationship with you. My thoughts are with you. *hugs*

 

[Dee*Jay]

pichucy, my heart breaks to read your post. I am SO very sad to hear of your loss. Please know that it is absolutely normal for you to mourn your mom's passing, but try to take comfort in all the wonderful times you had together. You sound like a wonderful loving daughter your mother was lucky to have been such a large part of your life, and you of hers. Biggest hugs outgoing. Please continue to talke to us; we are here for your.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:08:53 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
OMG. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My mom is my best friend too and I cannot imagine life without her. This isn''t the same, but I was very close to my (maternal) grandmother and I took it extremely hard when she passed -- basically, I fell apart. I didn''t eat for days. I actually had to seek grief counseling and I found that it did help me cope better. It didn''t help the pain, but it helped me function. There is nothing wrong with needing help in a time like this, you know?

Again, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. *hugs*

thanks for your reply I have been seeing a therapist, but it doesn''t make me feel any better. I mean she tells me I need to go on and that atleast my mom is no longer in pain and when I think of that it makes me happy that she is not suffering anymore, but I still can''t beleive she is no longer here.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:09:42 PM
Author: Dee*Jay
pichucy, my heart breaks to read your post. I am SO very sad to hear of your loss. Please know that it is absolutely normal for you to mourn your mom''s passing, but try to take comfort in all the wonderful times you had together. You sound like a wonderful loving daughter your mother was lucky to have been such a large part of your life, and you of hers. Biggest hugs outgoing. Please continue to talke to us; we are here for your.

Thanks for the reply Dee*Jay. I miss her so much. I was her youngest child and all my life I lived by the book never did anything to upset her because I use to see how sad she would get when my siblings did things that she didn''t agree with. She was such a wonderful and amazing human being and I just can''t believe that I will no longer hear her voice. I have been trying to remember all the good times we had, but its just so hard. I feel as if she was holding on just to see me get married. She told my sis a day after my wedding that she can die tommorow and die happy because she saw me graduate from college and get married. I am going to help raise lung cancer awarness in her honor thats the least I can do for my mommy who loved me so much.

 

[Skippy123]

Pichuchy, I am so sorry for your loss. Your hubby and family love you. I am sorry your bestfriend/mother went through that; I will pray very hard for you and your family! You sound like such a good and loving daughter. Is your sister around where you could lean on each other during this time? I am sending you a big hug, prayers and thoughts of peace at this time. I know there isn't anything I can say to help your hurt but we all are thinking about you, hugs!!!

Your friend,

 

[AmberWaves]

Oh my, your post just breaks my heart into pieces. Please know my heart is with you and your family. Losing my Dad is my single most horrible nightmare ever, and just the idea of how hard this is for you makes me tear up. I''m hoping for the pain to ease for you soon, and your fantastic memories just grow stronger. I don''t know what to say, I am so so sorry for your loss.

 

[pichuchy21]

Skippy and Amberwaves-Thanks for your replies. I live 6 hours away from my whole family so it is harder b/c I only have my husband and my loving dog, but since she past I haven''t even been able to pay any attention to either of them. My mind is just consumed with thoughts of her. She really was an amazing mother and I know my life won''t be the same without her. Also thinking that I will have to go through this pain again is killing me. Thinking that one day I will lose my dad, stepdad, sister, brother I mean I am not close to any of them like I was to my mom, but I know it will still hurt. Cancer stinks and it is such a horrible disease that took my mom from me.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:29:24 PM
Author: pichuchy21
Skippy and Amberwaves-Thanks for your replies. I live 6 hours away from my whole family so it is harder b/c I only have my husband and my loving dog, but since she past I haven''t even been able to pay any attention to either of them. My mind is just consumed with thoughts of her. She really was an amazing mother and I know my life won''t be the same without her. Also thinking that I will have to go through this pain again is killing me. Thinking that one day I will lose my dad, stepdad, sister, brother I mean I am not close to any of them like I was to my mom, but I know it will still hurt. Cancer stinks and it is such a horrible disease that took my mom from me.

Oh I am so sorry they are a bit aways. Well come here and post anytime, we are here for you. Sending you another hug!

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I''m so sorry for your loss! You are still in the midst of grief, and although you are right that your life will never be the same, you will come out tof this grieving period and begin to take pleasure in things again. Your mother lives on through you and your memories and your love will keep her with you always.

Perhaps you would benefit from finding a supportive group rather than one on one therapy? Or perhaps there is an activity that you can take up that commemmorates her life, or there is a cause you can worlk for in memory of her? Whatever you do, take things one step at a time, and just please try to hold onto the belief that things will get better slowly, and you will find happiness again. I''m sure that''s what you mother would have wanted for you.

Take care,

 

[LaraOnline]

Pichuchy, I have tears in my eyes thinking about your pain and sadness.
It is inspiring to hear of such a strong love between mother and daughter, and wonderful to think that the pair of you were such good friends.
Many people are not lucky enough to experience such love between mother and daughter... what you have had is special, and it is only natural that you will grieve the loss of this lovely connection for quite a long time.

If you believe in the continuity of life, however, you may feel that you are still being inspired by your mother''s personality - directly, or indirectly - for the rest of your life.
Of course, nothing can replace her physical presence in your life.

It is important that, while you feel like ''giving up'', that you don''t actually do that.
Your mother, in all likelihood, would not approve!

She would prefer you to live in joy, using this difficult time to forge stronger links with your new husband and extended family in both sides.

After a short period of reflection, it would probably be best for you to resume your normal active life, as best you can.
"Fake it until you make it!"
It is only early days right now.

 

[HollyS]

Oh honey, bless your heart!

I lost my mother 5 years ago, August 15th. I don''t think the hurt ever leaves us, it just becomes less debilitating. You are grieving; there is nothing abnormal about how you feel; there are no rules about how long you should grieve. I recall it was many months (perhaps almost a year) before I could wake up in the morning without my first thought being "My mother is dead". And I was 44 years old, not 25.

I encourage you to talk, about everything, with your husband. This is one of those tough real life problems we promise to see each other through when we take our vows. Don''t shut him out.

I don''t know what to tell you about school -- do you teach? Perhaps you can get a short term leave of absence?

Sending you a cyber-hug and keeping you in my prayers.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:34:40 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 8/22/2008 10:29:24 PM
Author: pichuchy21
Skippy and Amberwaves-Thanks for your replies. I live 6 hours away from my whole family so it is harder b/c I only have my husband and my loving dog, but since she past I haven''t even been able to pay any attention to either of them. My mind is just consumed with thoughts of her. She really was an amazing mother and I know my life won''t be the same without her. Also thinking that I will have to go through this pain again is killing me. Thinking that one day I will lose my dad, stepdad, sister, brother I mean I am not close to any of them like I was to my mom, but I know it will still hurt. Cancer stinks and it is such a horrible disease that took my mom from me.

Oh I am so sorry they are a bit aways. Well come here and post anytime, we are here for you. Sending you another hug!

Thank you.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I know how it feels to lose a loved one. I lost my grandmother, who was like a Mom to me. It just about broke my heart. Have lost other family members too, most importantly my brother. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Having some grief couseling would really help you I think. I know that after losing my brother, I didn't get any help. But after my grandfather died, I was so knee deep in taking care of my grandmother,. so once she died, I promised myself I would get that couseling and it made a world of difference to me. You need time to grieve, to mourn and in time to heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:35:15 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I''m so sorry for your loss! You are still in the midst of grief, and although you are right that your life will never be the same, you will come out tof this grieving period and begin to take pleasure in things again. Your mother lives on through you and your memories and your love will keep her with you always.

Perhaps you would benefit from finding a supportive group rather than one on one therapy? Or perhaps there is an activity that you can take up that commemmorates her life, or there is a cause you can worlk for in memory of her? Whatever you do, take things one step at a time, and just please try to hold onto the belief that things will get better slowly, and you will find happiness again. I''m sure that''s what you mother would have wanted for you.

Take care,

Thank you for your reply. I think that getting involved with lung cancer awarness and helping raise money is something that my mom would be very proud of. I have been getting involved and even wrote a letter to the govenor of FL to help raise awarness. Hopefully this will help me and make her very proud.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:36:44 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Pichuchy, I have tears in my eyes thinking about your pain and sadness.
It is inspiring to hear of such a strong love between mother and daughter, and wonderful to think that the pair of you were such good friends.
Many people are not lucky enough to experience such love between mother and daughter... what you have had is special, and it is only natural that you will grieve the loss of this lovely connection for quite a long time.

If you believe in the continuity of life, however, you may feel that you are still being inspired by your mother''s personality - directly, or indirectly - for the rest of your life.
Of course, nothing can replace her physical presence in your life.

It is important that, while you feel like ''giving up'', that you don''t actually do that.
Your mother, in all likelihood, would not approve!

She would prefer you to live in joy, using this difficult time to forge stronger links with your new husband and extended family in both sides.

After a short period of reflection, it would probably be best for you to resume your normal active life, as best you can.
''Fake it until you make it!''
It is only early days right now.

Laraonline & HollyS- Thank you for your replies and I will take your advice of sharing my feelings with my husband. I have been shuting him out for days now and maybe I should tell him how I feel. I know this is something I will never get over, but I hope with time it will be less painful. As far as school I''m actually starting the police academy so I can''t put it on hold unfortunately, but I will try it out if it is too overwhelming I will just drop out and try it some other time. Thanks for listening to me.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:41:41 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I know how it feels to lose a loved one. I lost my grandmother, who was like a Mom to me. It just about broke my heart. Have lost other family members too, most importantly my brother. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Having some grief couseling would really help you I think. I know that after losing my brother, I didn''t get any help. But after my grandfather died, I was so knee deep in taking care of my grandmother,. so once she died, I promised myself I would get that couseling and it made a world of difference to me. You need time to grieve, to mourn and in time to heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you and I will look into grief counseling in my area. I really don''t feel like the 1 on 1 with my therapist is helping maybe grief counsling will. Thank you for the suggestions and thanks for listeniing to me.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:47:08 PM
Author: pichuchy21

Date: 8/22/2008 10:41:41 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I know how it feels to lose a loved one. I lost my grandmother, who was like a Mom to me. It just about broke my heart. Have lost other family members too, most importantly my brother. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Having some grief couseling would really help you I think. I know that after losing my brother, I didn''t get any help. But after my grandfather died, I was so knee deep in taking care of my grandmother,. so once she died, I promised myself I would get that couseling and it made a world of difference to me. You need time to grieve, to mourn and in time to heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you and I will look into grief counseling in my area. I really don''t feel like the 1 on 1 with my therapist is helping maybe grief counsling will. Thank you for the suggestions and thanks for listeniing to me.

You should be able to get a list from The American Cancer society. Or your local Hospice?? That''s where I got mine.

Again so sorry, take time for you, and let yourself feel what you feel. We are here for you.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:50:38 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/22/2008 10:47:08 PM
Author: pichuchy21

Date: 8/22/2008 10:41:41 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I know how it feels to lose a loved one. I lost my grandmother, who was like a Mom to me. It just about broke my heart. Have lost other family members too, most importantly my brother. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Having some grief couseling would really help you I think. I know that after losing my brother, I didn''t get any help. But after my grandfather died, I was so knee deep in taking care of my grandmother,. so once she died, I promised myself I would get that couseling and it made a world of difference to me. You need time to grieve, to mourn and in time to heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you and I will look into grief counseling in my area. I really don''t feel like the 1 on 1 with my therapist is helping maybe grief counsling will. Thank you for the suggestions and thanks for listeniing to me.

You should be able to get a list from The American Cancer society. Or your local Hospice?? That''s where I got mine.

Again so sorry, take time for you, and let yourself feel what you feel. We are here for you.

Thanks I will take your advice and contact my local hospice there is one nearby where my husband works. Again thank you.

 

[shimmer]

I am deeply sorry for your loss pichuchy.

I know it is difficult, but please remember to take care of yourself. I know it sounds lame to have to say this, but eat something healthy every few hours even if you don''t feel hungry. Take one minute at a time, through the pain and emptiness somehow you will find peace and you will be stronger. I am so sorry

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/22/2008 11:03:23 PM
Author: shimmer
I am deeply sorry for your loss pichuchy.

I know it is difficult, but please remember to take care of yourself. I know it sounds lame to have to say this, but eat something healthy every few hours even if you don''t feel hungry. Take one minute at a time, through the pain and emptiness somehow you will find peace and you will be stronger. I am so sorry

Thanks for your reply shimmer. I haven''t eaten been hungry lately, but I have been trying to snack on something every now and then. I just hope that with time the pain is less painful.

 

[pichuchy21]

Here''s a pic of us at the wedding. Look how great she looks I can''t believe that just three days later she was not able to walk, barely talk, its unbelievable.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/22/2008 11:20:11 PM
Author: pichuchy21
Here''s a pic of us at the wedding. Look how great she looks I can''t believe that just three days later she was not able to walk, barely talk, its unbelievable.

Your mother and you are gorgeous!!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I am so sorry.

I have not lost a parent, but I've experienced loss and it is one of the worst feelings in the world even if the person was sick when they passed away. My heart goes out to you and your family..I can't imagine how crushing this must be. I am glad that she was able to come to the wedding, but I am so sorry your Mom is gone. I know you don't feel like starting school, but it will be really good for you to try to get back to normal. Grief takes a long time..and you never get over losing someone..that doesn't happen. What does happen is eventually, you accept the new normal. You learn to live your life without this person. There's always a hole in your life..but you learn to be happy again, to laugh again, and to enjoy things again even with a piece of you missing. It may seem impossible now, but I promise you will get through this. Don't try to hide your emotions. I know your family is there for you and your new husband is there for you and of course we are always here for you as well. Sometimes you need someone removed from the situation to vent to. I think it is good that you are seeing a therapist, but I agree that maybe a grief support group would be good for you as well. I am sorry that such a happy time in your life has merged with such a loss. I will keep you in my prayers. ((Huge huge hugs))

ETA: Just wanted to say that's a beautiful photo!..And please make yourself eat at least a little bit each day.

 

[pichuchy21]

Skippy-Thank you.

SarahlovesJS-Thank you. It is hard for me to talk to my husband about it because I feel as if he doenst get it. His mom and him are not really close so he doesn''t really get how I feel I think even though he says he does. This is really hard and I do hope that time heals my wounds. I will start school on Monday and maybe it will help keep my mind off things. We''ll see. Thanks again for listening to me.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m so touched by your post. Cancer is indeed an ugly disease. You were blessed though that she was at your wedding (what a wonderful memory and beautiful picture of the two of you), and that you were able to be with her before she passed. I''m fortunate that my parents are still with me (they''re 7, because as an only child I know I will truly feel alone when they are gone. Although I haven''t experienced your loss, I have been in relationships with men who have lost a parent. It''s a terrible feeling of loss and being lost. Exactly as you''ve described. You will grieve for a long while and you''re correct, things will never be the same again...but they will get better and you''ll go on day by day, until your memories are more about the joy of your time with her, and less about the fact that she''s gone. You know she wants only the best for you, and that means finding happiness in your future.

A big hug to you.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 8/22/2008 11:42:12 PM
Author: pichuchy21
Skippy-Thank you.


SarahlovesJS-Thank you. It is hard for me to talk to my husband about it because I feel as if he doenst get it. His mom and him are not really close so he doesn''t really get how I feel I think even though he says he does. This is really hard and I do hope that time heals my wounds. I will start school on Monday and maybe it will help keep my mind off things. We''ll see. Thanks again for listening to me.

I am sorry he''s not being very understanding. That must be really frustrating..

..I definitely think a group session or maybe a session where your husband goes with you would be really beneficial. It sounds like you need to be around people who understand what you''re going through. I definitely think school will be good for you. You don''t need to thank me for listening to you! ((hugs)) I also recommend doing some reading..I know that helps me get through things. There are a lot of books out there about grief that help you understand all of the stages and how to work through things. This is going to be a hard time, but you can do this.

 

[blondebunny]

Im in tears from your post... My mom is my life also..she was actually in the hospital a week ago for almost having a stroke, and all the way to the hospital I didnt know what to think, I cant imagine my life without my mother.

Here is some advice that I have learned from my brother dying a little over 2 years ago..
1. Definitely DO NOT take a bunch of classes.. they really wont help u get ur mind off of things.. I really thought I was thr strongest person ever and that Id be fine, and I wasnt I did AWFUL, and it took me 2 semesters to be back to somewhat myself getting good grades... so do not feel like a failure if u do bad, I am pretty sure u can take off a semester for medical reasons or what not, and that would definitely be sufficient for that... or if u do mess up ur grades they should be able to appeal them and get them erased... If I could go back, Id take the semester off to help redefine who I am since I lost him....

2. Dont listen to ANYONE who tells u to get over it, I had a lot of people who didnt understand why i was still upset, and that I should be over it in a month. Its completely bull$*it IMO.... Its been 2 yrs and 2 months and I still cry almost once if not more a week... She's your mom, she brought u into this world, and was a BIG part of your life for 25 years, you cant just simply forget it... It really takes time to just be OKAY with it... and it sounds weird but I have atleast 2 dreams a month with my brother in it where we have conversations like he is still here... its nice because I feel like i still get to see him and talk to him...


ETA: just saw about your hubby.. tell him u dont want him to agree or talk or anything u just want an ear to talk to and just a shoulder to cry on....im so sorry
3. Just remember all the good times, thats all I ever do, I remember funny things my brother said or stuff we did as kids.

4. My BF was probably the best thing ever to be when my brother died, and still is, he tells me he is my rock and to use him, for a while i didnt, but then it helped so much to be able to talk to him or just lay in his arms and cry... and if ur DH had a good relationship with her maybe itd be nice to just sit and talk about all the nice or fun things yall remember about her (maybe something u could do with your family u said u didnt get along with so good?)

Ok well big HUGS to you, I feel for you, its hard, but honestly it will get harder before it gets any easier or better...Ive found myself in many dark places.. but then thought about how great my life is and its life, gotta live with what your given and make the best out of it... Im just happy your mom got to see you get married before she passed... atleast you know she died proud and happy she saw her baby girl graduate and get married...

 

[pichuchy21]

Purrfectpear and SarahlovesJS-Thank you for your replies. From what everyone keeps telling me it will take me a long time to heal, but atleast I know it is normal to feel this way since there is no "rightway" to grief. And I look foward to the day when the good memories of her will be whats on my mind and not the fact that she is no longer physically here with me. I know she will always watch over me. For those of you who are lucky enough to not have lost a parent I ask that you enjoy every moment that you can with them becuase I know that I would feel even worse if I didn''t spend all the time I did with my mom. We really had a wonderful relationship like I said she wasn''t only my mom she was my friend.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Pichuchy, I am your sister in grief as I lost my dad less than 3 months ago to suicide from depression caused by health problems.

What struck me about your story is the wonderful wedding day that you had. It sounds to me like your mom held out to be healthy for your wedding. Sounds weird, right, but I am believer that on some level our bodies can do things without us being conscious of it. I wonder if the part of her that wanted you to have a beautiful, wonderful day kept her healthy just a little bit longer to see your special day. I hope you can take some solace in that thought.

From what I''ve read, it is totally normal to experience depression after a loss. And it''s real depression, except that because it is caused by a specific event, it is reactive depression and is not associated with the same loss of self esteem as chronic depression, and it will get better with time.

I''m also trying to be more open with my husband. He''ll hold me while I cry until the cows come home, but it''s the moments when I''m not crying, when I''m just down and blah and don''t want to do anything, that I''m really needing to reach out to him but feel the least like it. And it''s harder for him to know how to react since I''m not crying and I probably seem surly/angry if anything.

I really like my new therapist and hope you can find someone that you feel helps you. The first person I tried was really froo-froo, and I am stoic/rational, and we just did not mesh. I''m so glad that I didn''t give up after my first touchy-feely experience.

You are right that life will not be the same. We''ll have Christmas without my dad. He won''t be there when we have a baby, or buy a new house. Last weekend I went on a history tour that he would have loved, and I felt so sad that one moment of depression robbed him of experiences he would have enjoyed, and that we would have enjoyed with him.

But . . . it is still LIFE. Life is precious. We are alive. To dance. To love. To cry. Your mom, who fought through the cancer, who held out for your wedding . . . that''s what she wanted for you, for you to live your life, for you to LOVE your life. She wouldn''t have wanted for you to lose her at so young an age, but she would be glad to know that you have so much to experience . . . as a newlywed, as a future graduate of the police academy, as whatever you choose to do and be . . .

Lean on your husband, your friends, your family. Let people take you out, make things easier for you. You do need to time to cocoon and take care of yourself.

When I''ve really felt blah, I''ve tried just doing nothing and being blah, and I''ve tried to push through it and do normal things. Usually when I try to do normal things, I get out of my blues a little. So starting the police academy might help you to just get in a normal routine and have less time to ruminate.

As for Monday . . . I know how you feel. I have to go back to work myself. My therapist and I talked about how I do need to be vulnerable (since my tendency is to shut out all my feelings), but on the other hand, I could get burned if I share too much personal info with people I don''t know well. I am trying to find the happy medium so that I am supported by others but also protected from unwanted curiosity.

My therapist also suggested writing in a journal. I''ve found that writing in my journal, which often leads to crying, is a good release, as is exercise, which releases endorphins like crying and also reduces stress.

There are also grief support groups to join. I haven''t done that at this point, but I''m open to it. Therapy is new for me, and I''ve found it really helpful, so I haven''t felt the need to seek out other outside help yet.

Another thing I''ve thought of . . . remember the story of the Velveteen Rabbit? Remember how in order to be Real, you have to be loved so hard it hurts? Sometimes recently I''ve thought, I''m Real. I''ve seen the darkest day, and I''ve felt the rains, and I''m still here. I''m still me. I wouldn''t wish for this pain. I''d give anything to give it back, to have my dad back, to take away his pain and all of ours in the process. But I also know myself better today than I ever have. I know I am strong. I know I have his love with me, and the things he taught me, and the joy he felt. And even with this awful hole in my life, there is still love, there is still joy, there is still laughter. I still am. We''re still here. We''ve been knocked around a little by life, but we didn''t give up, and we''re Real now, tried and true, older and wiser.

I know you are a strong woman, or you wouldn''t be entering the police academy!

It sounds like your mother was a strong woman as well, and as they say, the apple doesn''t fall far from the tree. I wish you comfort and healing in this strength-requiring time.