Maximizing ''Couple Time'' when you have a Baby/Children

[Sha]

So, how do you PS couples maximize your ''couple time'' when you have a new baby or children around? Just curious, and looking for some ideas. Naturally, DH and I aren''t able to be as spontaneous as we were, pre-baby. Sleeping-in on Saturday mornings, intimacy, and going out for dinner/movies etc have all taken a back seat for now. We tend to do more family-type things, now, like going to the beach, going for walks, driving etc., which is fun, but I do miss our ''couply'' time, too.

What do you do?

 

[curlygirl]

Sha, it's definitely tough to find one on one time with DH on a daily basis. We have a hard time just having a basic conversation but we have 2 very active, talkative toddlers right now! For the past 6 months or so, we've been having a date night every week. MIL comes over to watch the girls and we get to go out to just have some alone time. We generally go out to dinner but it's not necessarily anything fancy--even if we just go to the local sushi place, it's great to just get out and have adult time. We have also turned that night into our date night with other couples as well. We make a concerted effort to talk about things other than the children and have found that it really helps our relationship and sanity to have that to look forward to every week. We also just had our first mini-vacation without the kids a few months ago and it was really great. I think it's very important to maintain open lines of communication with your spouse, even when it's tough to find time to talk at all. We both realized that our marriage was going to fall apart if we didn't make the effort to find time to reconnect with each other. I know we're lucky that we have family members who are willing to watch our girls, but even if we didn't, I think we would gladly spend the money on a sitter just to get that time together every week. Sleeping in is still a luxury that we have not had in a while and intimacy is virtually non-existent but we manage!

It's really hard to find a balance between family time and couple time so you're not alone in this struggle! Just try to make sure you talk about it and find ways to show each other that you still care.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

We put Hunter to bed at 6:30 pm

Gives us a nice long evening together sans baby to do what we want! We used to go to movies a lot, now we rent them and stay in. It is the biggest reason why I support early bedtime for your kids -- more time to yourself!!

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/7/2010 11:48:15 AM
Author:Sha
So, how do you PS couples maximize your ''couple time'' when you have a new baby or children around? Just curious, and looking for some ideas. Naturally, DH and I aren''t able to be as spontaneous as we were, pre-baby. Sleeping-in on Saturday mornings, intimacy, and going out for dinner/movies etc have all taken a back seat for now. We tend to do more family-type things, now, like going to the beach, going for walks, driving etc., which is fun, but I do miss our ''couply'' time, too.


What do you do?

If you find out, let me know!

Kidding (sort of). My husband and I don''t always get couple time, and when we do it can be rough compromising on how to use it. After a long week at home with the baby I''m dying to go out, he''s beat after a long week at work and wants to stay home.

Once in awhile, just going out to a nice dinner and catching up on each other''s lives gets us back on track. We put in a call to grandma and head for the border!

 

[Mara]

Right now we feel lucky to have my Mom and sister be local because they come relieve us once a week at least so we can go out for some couple time...dinner or a movie or whatever. It''s priceless and I would say never underestimate local family assistance!! It''s kept us a lot more sane.

But our ''home'' couple time has definitely suffered since our baby isn''t on a real schedule yet. I imagine once he is a little older, and we are doing more of a schedule with him and we can put him down earlier than he has been going down now, we''ll rediscover our couple time together in the evenings where we used to eat together or watch a movie etc...right now there isn''t much of that at all but that''s ok.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/7/2010 3:47:49 PM
Author: dreamer_d
We put Hunter to bed at 6:30 pm

Gives us a nice long evening together sans baby to do what we want! We used to go to movies a lot, now we rent them and stay in. It is the biggest reason why I support early bedtime for your kids -- more time to yourself!!

Yup. I've been singing that song forever. Early bedtime means a couple's sanity. Amelia goes to bed between 6:45 sand 7. Makes it so much easier to have couple time. We have date night every Thursday, which is nice. But what's even nicer is just those spontaneous conversations you have over a regular dinner in that go on forever because there are no interruptions. TGuy and I last week sat down to dinner at 8 (a little late for us, as we try to have dinner at 7:30ish) and before we knew it, it was 1:30am and we had been gabbing for nearly 6 hours. We paid for it the next morning, but boy was it sure nice to be able to hang out like that!

 

[taovandel]

My parents are always begging for the baby...so we take advantage every once in a while and let them babysit so we can go out. We''ve even left him overnight a few times.

I would say maybe once a month we go out to do something as a couple. Normally dinner and a movie because the weather has been so bad.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

We have date nights every once in a while. DH''s parents love having James over and we''ve even done a few overnight visits since my MIL watches James most of the time. We''ll pick a time when MIL will have DS two days in a row and go out one night and just leave him there for the night so we don''t have to transport him in the morning. It has worked wonderfully for us.

When we go out we usually go out to eat, go bowling or go to the movies. After we can go home and relax and get some sleep since DS doesn''t sleep through the night most of the time.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Another vote for the kid having an early bedtime!
We don''t have a babysitter, so we have our time together at home. We try to eat together as a family, so we have dinner earlier than I''d like to fit it in before 7pm bedtime, but it does mean we have the evening to talk to each other without interruption. If I''m motivated to cook something more special, we''ll have a snack with Amelia then have a later supper together sometimes, which feels like a treat.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Not a parent yet, but our plan is to go with an early bedtime and take advantage of family offers to look after bebe so we can get a night out here and there.

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

DH works a very demanding schedule which leaves us very little time for each other. When he is around, we make a point to arrange for a sitter and we go out to dinner, or a bar with music. Anywhere to just let loose. Since his crazy work schedule is now winding down, we’re planning a date night in our city. Going to spend a night at a posh hotel, do couples massage, catch a show, have a nice dinner, etc. The best part...sleeping in late the following morning! I cannot wait for that

, since our 4.5 month old likes to wake up and start the day at 5:30 AM.

 

[gailrmv]

We don''t have family nearby, so nobody volunteers to babysit on a regular basis. We do have a couple of paid babysitters that we trust, and once in a while we hire one for a night out. Maybe once a month or every other month. We go somewhere nice and really make the most of it! We put our son to bed by 8 and can enjoy couples night in after that. I do miss going out for a leisurely dinner, but hey, there is always takeout. I am jealous of those with family nearby who actually want to babysit. When our family comes into town, they want to all hang out together and they don''t seem comfortable with babysitting.

The thing I really miss is travel sans baby. I hope that in a few years it will be more fun to actually travel with him. In the meantime, we stay closer to home and go to kid-friendly destinations.

For the first few months I really struggled with having enough couple time and me time, but it''s getting easier as our son is older - or maybe I''ve just adjusted my expectations.

 

[Pandora II]

The first few months were hard as far as eating dinner at the same time went, but to be honest we haven't stopped doing anything we wanted because of Daisy, she just comes too.
At home, she goes to bed around 8pm and we get an evening.
The hardest thing for me has been adjusting to less 'me' time rather than feeling we get less time as a couple. (DH and I spend nearly all our spare time together as we like doing the same things, so it's not like he's out all the time with friends etc)

 

[fieryred33143]

We''re lucky because we can call FI''s parents Saturday at 6:30pm to say we''re going to dinner at 7pm. They get more excited at the idea of taking care of DD than we do at going out to dinner lol.

We''re also lucky in that DD goes to bed early so we use the evenings to hang out. Our routine is usually that I get home, she''s already in PJs, I give her a bottle and put her to bed. While I''m doing that, FI will finish dinner and then we''ll sit together and eat. We have shows we like to watch together, sometimes we''ll play a board game or just cuddle and watch a movie. If we are invited to a friend''s party, we usually always go and drop off DD.

 

[sbde]

ditto to the early bed time - to be honest now that our kiddo is a year old we haven''t found any dearth of couple time when he goes down for naps or the night. yes, our conversations focus on him more often than not but we still have other discussions and are able to feel like a couple most of the time

 

[MustangGal]

I also have no family here to watch Kyle, so we go out together about once a week and he comes along. It''s nice to get out, and also lets him learn manners and how the behave in public. The early bedtime is what really helps with couple time. Kyle goes down about 7:15pm, which leave us about 2 hours to watch a movie (Netflix is great!), catch up on TV, play games, hang out, or just whatever. If I didn''t have that I don''t think I would be sane at this point!

 

[Sha]

Thanks for your responses and ideas. I like the thought of ''date night'' a lot. Only problem is my parents don''t live close by. (I''m really jealous of those who have family nearby, too. In terms of trust -family is better than any babysitter, IMO). My mother plans to look after Dalila three days a week when I go back to work, though, so maybe we can work something out. Hmmmm.......

I also like the idea of an early bedtime. Right now Dalila goes to bed at 10 pm - but I''m working on pushing it to 9 pm. Is that too late? Maybe I should make it earlier, for the sake of getting some more time with DH. And more ''me'' time sounds really good too!

 

[curlygirl]

Sha, I love the idea of an early bedtime but it's not feasible with the schedules DH and I have. By the time we get out of work, pick up the girls from daycare and get home, it's already 6:30! Then we feed them, bathe them, have some down time (read books, etc). My little one (17 months) goes down around 8:00 and the older one (almost 3) is usually up till about 8:45-9:00. I honestly don't know anyone in my real life that puts their kids down super early but I LOVE that we have moms here that do it and it works to free up time in the evenings. If it works for your schedule, you can try to slowly start moving up Dalila's bedtime. Every little bit helps!!

 

[janinegirly]

Thanks for posting this Curly (I'm stalking you today

). I was beginning to think I was the only one. The reality is I'm home 630 and DH at 7 earliest, so dinner is at 7 so we can all have some time together. So bedtime is more like 8-830. Lately she's been pushing it to later which I'm not too happy about, but she is in there trying to sleep, just can't (lots of leg kicking and rolling around, squeezing eyes shut). It does make life more hectic for me since I"m cleaning and organizing 9-10 and bedtime for me around 11 so not alot of couple time for us during the week. But to me you can't have it all all the time--we're ok with how things are now and it won't be forever.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/8/2010 3:45:22 PM
Author: curlygirl
Sha, I love the idea of an early bedtime but it''s not feasible with the schedules DH and I have. By the time we get out of work, pick up the girls from daycare and get home, it''s already 6:30! Then we feed them, bathe them, have some down time (read books, etc). My little one (17 months) goes down around 8:00 and the older one (almost 3) is usually up till about 8:45-9:00. I honestly don''t know anyone in my real life that puts their kids down super early but I LOVE that we have moms here that do it and it works to free up time in the evenings. If it works for your schedule, you can try to slowly start moving up Dalila''s bedtime. Every little bit helps!!

Very true. Everyone who I know who puts their kid down by 7 is either a SAHM or a WAHM (or works close enough to home to get home by 5ish). An early bedtime for the longer work commuters I know is usually around 8 oclock.

 

[MustangGal]

Good point on bedtime reflecting work hours. I get home around 4:30pm, so a 7:15 bedtime isn''t a problem. But that just means I have to wake up at 5:30am, and Kyle at 6am.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 3/8/2010 4:00:31 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 3/8/2010 3:45:22 PM
Author: curlygirl
Sha, I love the idea of an early bedtime but it''s not feasible with the schedules DH and I have. By the time we get out of work, pick up the girls from daycare and get home, it''s already 6:30! Then we feed them, bathe them, have some down time (read books, etc). My little one (17 months) goes down around 8:00 and the older one (almost 3) is usually up till about 8:45-9:00. I honestly don''t know anyone in my real life that puts their kids down super early but I LOVE that we have moms here that do it and it works to free up time in the evenings. If it works for your schedule, you can try to slowly start moving up Dalila''s bedtime. Every little bit helps!!

Very true. Everyone who I know who puts their kid down by 7 is either a SAHM or a WAHM (or works close enough to home to get home by 5ish). An early bedtime for the longer work commuters I know is usually around 8 oclock.

Yup. Hubby works at home and I work 10 minutes from home, so we are home by 5pm at the latest. I never would have thought I was an early bedtime person, but it is what he likes and it works great for us!

Sha Does she sleep in later in the am? Ideally, over time (she is too young now) she should get 12 hours sleep at night. If that means 9pm to 9am I don''t see why that is a problem. But if she wakes at 6am like most babies I know

, earlier is really better. But she is too young to even think of this stuff right now. Worry about it when she is older

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 3/8/2010 9:08:20 AM
Author: Pandora II
The first few months were hard as far as eating dinner at the same time went, but to be honest we haven''t stopped doing anything we wanted because of Daisy, she just comes too.
At home, she goes to bed around 8pm and we get an evening.
The hardest thing for me has been adjusting to less ''me'' time rather than feeling we get less time as a couple. (DH and I spend nearly all our spare time together as we like doing the same things, so it''s not like he''s out all the time with friends etc)

Yes. We spend almost all our spare time together. ME TIME... what is that??? haha.

 

[Bev]

Hi PS''ers! I''ve been a lurker for quite some time, but just dropped in to some of the other non-jewelry forums and found all these great threads!

Couple time has definitely been a challenge since we''ve had our little boy, who is now 2 1/2. For us, weekly date nights and putting our boy to sleep early has helped us tremedously. For a while our son would go to bed pretty late (he seems to be a night owl, just like his parents). But recently he has been sleeping very early, which has given dh and I at least 3 hrs at night to hang out. It has been SO nice.

 

[Sha]

Thanks again for your comments. DD - she wakes up generally around 7:15 each morning. So I guess I may look at pushing her bedtime earlier at some point.

I''m definitely going to try to implement both ideas, actually - earlier bedtime and date night! I think that will help a lot.

 

[janinegirly]

Sound great Sha, let us know how it goes (esp on early bedtime--I may try to work on that too although daylights savings make work against me!).

And just curious, weren''t you considering TTC soon--is that still in the cards? If so get those date nights in soon ! hehe.

 

[vespergirl]

I know that I''m late to this thread, but I just wanted to agree that an early & consistent bedtime is key. DS went to bed every night at 7 pm, and I was strict about his schedule during the day to keep him sleeping well.

We also always have a babysitter come every two weeks or so so that we can have a date night - it''s so important. If it''s not financially viable to have a sitter, then after the baby goes to bed on Sat. night, you can order in, serve dinner on china, get some flowers, light some candles, have some drinks, rent a movie, and talk. You can have a great night in if your baby is a good sleeper.

Most importantly, try to have sex once a week, whether (both of you) feel like it or not. That physical intimacy promotes the production of hormones that bond you to your partner. The more sex you have, the more that you will want, so I encourage people to start kissing & then usually everything else will follow. Both wives & husbands need the extra physical attention and reassurance that comes with a healthy sex life, especially after the upheaval of a baby. I have seen more than one marriage fall apart after baby because one or both of the partners didn''t make time for physical intimacy with each other, which begins a cycle of hurt and resentment. So have a few drinks and just do it

 

[LovelyHearts]

We put our kids down at 8pm. It is hard, because after I get off work and pick the kids up from day care, it''s about 6pm when we walk in the house. DH works different hours throughout the week, so our schedules are hard. Monday nights I don''t get home until 11pm because I have class after work, Tuesdays-Thurs DH gets home around 9pm, so Friday and the weekends is all we have together.

After I put the kids down at 8pm, I work on some homework, and cook dinner for us. I always make it a point for us to eat dinner together and then spend some time cuddling on the couch to watch tv. Maybe once a week, I make him turn off the TV and turn on some nice music, and we do an exercise where were face each other, hold hands and we stare into each other''s eyes and not look away for about 10 minutes. It always makes me blush, but I think for some reason, it works on bringing us closer together. It usually turns into intimacy and us doing other stuff. It sounds corny, but it works.

Other than that, we don''t really get out much without the kids. Maybe once every few months, if even that. We have some family that live close by but we don''t want to burden anyone, and we prefer to bring the kids with us when we go out. The way I see it, as long as I get some alone time with hubby every week, the rest is okay because the kids will eventually grow up and then they''ll probably be too independent for us. It makes me sad just thinking about it...

 

[janinegirly]

lovelyhearts- I just wanted to say you shouldn't feel badly! I think we can put too much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone. Perfect mom, perfect working mom, perfect spouse, sexy and a great cook, host, etc.. Something has to give! Of course our marriage has to be a priority and it's easy to let the little thing slide away that actually hold couples together, but being aware of it, talking about it once in awhile with DH, and making an effort here and there *is* something. Give yourself credit for that! And if it's something that isn't enough or is making you sad, then maybe try to cut something out to find more couple time. But the fact is there is only 24 hrs in the day, and with work commute school errands, it's not possible to do it all, but we're all doing a great job at trying . Plus life and child rearing is evolving--less couple time during newborn years doesn't mean it'll be like that as they get older..so sacrifices are not always permanent.

I also work and have to say am impressed at the moms who can be home before 7. I leave at 5 on the dot and am home 630, 615 on a good day. If I had to pick up at daycare it would be 7pm. Thankfully I have one day per week at home and do not leave till 8am, so that allows for some extra one-one with my daughter.

 

[Jas12]

Yep, early bed time is the key to connecting with your spouse on a daily basis.

DH and I eat late on friday nights which is nice. We put the kid to bed and enjoy a long meal/converstaion. We can relax then and feel like we are kinda on a date, even if in our own home. I like to eat as a family during the week b/c i want my son to expect the routine of sharing the family table, and i want him to eat the foods we eat, so i am forced to do so at around 5pm in order to get him in bed by 7pm, but on the weekend I may actually taste a meal and enjoy some ''me time''.

Other than that tho, i''ve got nothing

DH and I haven''t been on a REAL date in over a year. We have one planned for next week (yay!), but that''s a baaaad track record so i am interested in what others suggest!