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Living as house guest in bad situation

lyra

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cara said:
I guess I am still somewhat confused that your DH's reaction is to avoid confrontation with his mother at all costs, not get you out of a bad living situation if there is a reasonable alternative. Why is not confronting his mother more important than you having a reasonable living environment?

I'm confused about this too. If it was me, I'd be out of there. From everything you've posted, it sounds like she would be better off without you and the kids there. I guess I don't understand something in the dynamic.

FWIW, you have done your fair share of trying to make this relationship work. It's up to your DH to mend the relationship from here on out. I know this because I used to have a terrible inlaw situation too. The thing that worked was simply not being around them. It's amazing how far "up" the totem pole I went by simply being completely absent! :cheeky: Meanwhile my husband was the one keeping in constant touch, etc. I still have to remind him when to call and send cards sometimes, but on the whole everything is much better now. (it is 27 years down the line, something had to give)

Anyway, good luck and hang in there. There must be some sort of end in sight, even if you're counting down the hours. Don't take it too personally either. It may be a mental or physical issue playing with her moods or something. You never know.
 

sunseeker101

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MC, my heart goes out to you in this situation, I'd love to see you hot-footing it out of there ASAP :)) . My thoughts are that the whole timbre of her response is way out of key with the scenario itself. If she has positive regard for her son and grandchildren why is she upsetting a serious apple-cart for them all? Why would a mother in law be so very angry and upset that a daughter in law is cordial but not exactly fawning over her? What could justify the 'you're nothing to me' statement that's usually reserved for people with whom we have real loving bonds that can be broken? The mind boggles. I'm concerned that your DH puts you in harm's way and advises you to suck it up, where's the concern for your feelings? Anyway, I think your MIL has more than a touch of narcissism to her (huge, touchy ego/fragile self-esteem: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms) and should probably be taken with a large dose of cunning and exile! I'd ask for your DH's thoughts on why her feelings about you are so strong -- his reasoning could be illuminating, I think. Anyway, the best of luck with it :))
 

honey22

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cara said:
MC said:
cara said:
MC, if you have somewhere else reasonable to go I would leave promptly. Who cares if it would be held against you - this woman said you, her daughter-in-law, mother of her grandchildren, is 'nothing to her'. She has called you venomous names and said she hates you, she is holding it against you that she is providing food and lodging - why NOT get out of that situation as quickly as possible? If you don't have anywhere else reasonable to go, or the situation is good for your kids but hard for you and you want to last it out, then I agree with the others. Take care of your own mess and stuff but otherwise stay out of MIL's way. Good luck, what a horrible situation!
Yeah, I do have to "last it out" at this point. If moving out had been an option, I would have done so before reaching the point it is now. My DH was firm on two things: A) avoid confrontation, and B) after I told him I had another place to go, do not do that. If I had that choice I would have taken it. Basically, moving out would be another form of confrontation, if that makes any sense?
I guess I am still somewhat confused that your DH's reaction is to avoid confrontation with his mother at all costs, not get you out of a bad living situation if there is a reasonable alternative. Why is not confronting his mother more important than you having a reasonable living environment?

Ditto.
I would be hauling my husbands a** back home and make him sort the whole drama out. And if he told me to avoid confrontation for the sake of his mother when she was carrying on like that, I would show him the door.
 

fieryred33143

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The way I see it, you have two options:

1. Move out. If she gets mad, well it's not worse than what she said to you.

2. Stay there and avoid confrontation until you do get out. If you honestly feel like this is the only place you and your boys can stay at this point, then no good can come from arguing with her. She's only going to make your stay worse. Keep to yourself while you are there.

I would choose option 1 but can understand why you don't want to.
 

zoebartlett

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How much longer are you and your sons staying there (if you don't mind me asking)? If it's for a little while, I'd probably try to stick it out and be pleasant but distant. If you're going to be there for the year or something like that, I'd probably try to relocate if possible. Your sons don't need to see (or hear) how their grandma is treating you. So your husband doesn't want you rocking the boat, so to speak, right? The problem I see with that is that he's not the one living there and enduring his mom's rants against you. It's not really fair of him to put you in that situation, knowing how his mom feels about you.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Zoe said:
How much longer are you and your sons staying there (if you don't mind me asking)? If it's for a little while, I'd probably try to stick it out and be pleasant but distant. If you're going to be there for the year or something like that, I'd probably try to relocate if possible. Your sons don't need to see (or hear) how their grandma is treating you. So your husband doesn't want you rocking the boat, so to speak, right? The problem I see with that is that he's not the one living there and enduring his mom's rants against you. It's not really fair of him to put you in that situation, knowing how his mom feels about you.

Our goal is to be in a new place by September. We don't know which day DH will be back, however the kids start school the 8th and we really would like to have them back in their school by then. If not, then I'll have to commute over. I did apply for a variance just in case.

If it was a year, I'd have had myself committed. Actually, I did go to a dr. about three weeks ago and told him everything and he prescribed moving out and then some xanax (which I cannot take b/c it puts me to sleep). Eh!
 

MichelleCarmen

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Aeolianarpa said:
MC, my heart goes out to you in this situation, I'd love to see you hot-footing it out of there ASAP :)) . My thoughts are that the whole timbre of her response is way out of key with the scenario itself. If she has positive regard for her son and grandchildren why is she upsetting a serious apple-cart for them all? Why would a mother in law be so very angry and upset that a daughter in law is cordial but not exactly fawning over her? What could justify the 'you're nothing to me' statement that's usually reserved for people with whom we have real loving bonds that can be broken? The mind boggles. I'm concerned that your DH puts you in harm's way and advises you to suck it up, where's the concern for your feelings? Anyway, I think your MIL has more than a touch of narcissism to her (huge, touchy ego/fragile self-esteem: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms) and should probably be taken with a large dose of cunning and exile! I'd ask for your DH's thoughts on why her feelings about you are so strong -- his reasoning could be illuminating, I think. Anyway, the best of luck with it :))
Thanks. I looked at the list and some seemed applicable. It's hard to tell though, when up until a month ago I had NO idea of her true feelings so the facade has always been not at all what she thinks/feels.

She is being all nice to me now but once someone says what she said to me, there is no way that can be forgotten. What is worse is that she said horrible things and accused me of things and now is ASKING me questions where she is trapping me into answers that would further provide ammunition. Half of the questions, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know," because regardless of what, the answers would (in her mind) piss her off.
 

zoebartlett

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I'm sorry this is such a bad situation for you, MC. l love that your doctor prescribed moving out -- seems like a good idea but I can see where you might want to stay put (for stablity for your sons and since you're planning on moving sort of soon anyway).

It sounds like the best alternative to moving out is just to keep to yourself much of the time. I hope the house is big enough for you and your kids to feel like you have some room to move around comfortably.
 

VRBeauty

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I'd move out, especially if your aunt's house is fairly near MIL's place so you'd be able to visit and it doesn't seem like you're moving to the other side of the world.

I'd probably tell MIL something like "I love you, but I'm afraid we're both getting on each other's nerves and saying/doing things that we might regret in the future." Or just say that it seems like you both need your own space.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your sons... it's not fair to them that they have to constantly walk on eggshells. Besides, I'm sure they notice the tension, and it could permanently interfere with their relationship with their grandmother -- and I'm sure your husband wouldn't want that.

Your dynamics with your MIL sound a lot like my mother and my youngest SIL. I think my mother was always looking for fault in my SIL in spite of herself, and to be fair to my mother, there were issues... But SIL stood up to her on several occasions that I'm aware of, usually during visits to my parent's house, and my brother backed her up. Both my mother and SIL have done a lot of growing up over the years and they now have a very good relationship (even if my mother does still carp on occasion about SIL's housekeeping etc.) FWIW -- which is, I realize, practically nothing -- I doubt your MIL really hates you, it's probably that your presence brings out her own insecurities, especially fears about losing her son.

But seriously, I think the best thing you could do for all involved is to pack your stuff and lovingly move yourself and your sons out of that house.
 

Dreamer_D

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MC said:
Dreamer_D said:
Cara Yeah, I guess you are right about this. I take it back!

FWIW I suspect that your MIL is just insecure about YOUR affection and love for her and that is why she is lashing out at this point. UNless she is crazy (is she?) hating you seems a tad extreme without provocation. It makes MUCH more sense from a psychological perspective if we assume that she is an insecure woman, and when people are insecure and they worry about the love or regard another may have for them, they often behave in a hostile manner towards that person. Counterintuitive, but true, and one of the great horrible outcomes of relational insecurity. It explains her contradictory behaviour too. If she truly and really hated you, she would not care what you said or did. The fact that she DOES care what you say and do makes it much more likely she does care about you but is hurt by her perception that you do not love and care for her. It is evident also in her comment that you are "cold" or unfeeling. Confident haters don't respond that way to perceived slights. Insecure babies do ;))

If you are feeling like the bigger person and care at all about mending this relationship, if you can muster the confidence to not give a hoot about what she might think about YOU, you can turn this around. Genuinely make an effort to care about her and show her your regard. Be warm and friendly. Genuinely. If you can perhaps feel sorry for her instead of reacting defensively to her vitriole, she might respond with more enthusiasm to your regard than you can possible imagine. It means you have to put your big girl panties on though and suck up your own anger and hurt feelings. You have to stop analyzing all her behaviour for signs of her hatred or liking -- she is doing the same thing to you, you know 8) . It is hard, but it will work, provided she is not crazy. Only you can decide if you care about mending things and have the strength to do it.

As to the scale thing, I have had that conversation with people before, seems normal.

Dreamer - thanks a lot for your post. You've got me thinking here about what things I've done/said that have created the bad impression she has of me. Guess I truely do need to analyze what my past actions have done to contribute.

Thanks about the scale thing. I told my friend and she laughed her head off! lol Guess if it was under other circumstances, it'd be no big deal.

It needent have been anything you actually did! It could all be in her head, a fabriaction of her anxieties. But that does not mean you are helpless to turn it around. By no means am I pointing the finger at you as the cause, simply suggesting that you may still be able to creat a better solution if you are so inclined.
 
A

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I'm wondering if there's a cultural difference, or some other reason for her DH to be so concerned about not making waves that he's putting his wife and kids in this position. I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but my FI would never ask me to stay in that kind of environment. :confused: My ex did things very similar to that and it did nothing but help speed us towards divorce.
 

swingirl

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I also don't understand why your DH would tell you and the kids to suck it up and not want to upset his mother. His immediate family should be something he is willing to go to bat for. I would be very annoyed with my husband if he chose his mother's feeling over my sanity.

But it sounds like there is a cultural consideration that I don't understand.

Unless I was paying a stranger rent I would expect that my free room in a relative's house might be entered now and then. I wouldn't have gotten hissy about it, but I wouldn't leave anything personal laying around. You MIL sounds like the type of person that blows up, then forgets what she said and goes back to "normal".

MC, I am sorry for your situation. Tell DH to hurry back!!
 

MichelleCarmen

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There's nothing cultural about the situation. It's just would be the statement of me refusing to help and how that would appear to her and her husband as refusal to help = telling them off. The word "politcal" instead came up at one point.

Re: entering the room. This was after comments had been made. . .if I wasn't uncertain of the situation, I wouldn't have tested it (which I know is a bit immature . . .lol). Anyway, I've got all my personal stuff set to go in my safe deposit box. I don't have journals or anything laying about. . .nothing. . .also, I delete my inbox from my phone after every reply just in case.
 

partgypsy

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If the trust has been broken between you two, and you are not willing to turn things around in the off (very off) case this is a misunderstanding or blow up, I also think it's healthier to leave. A month will feel like a very looong time, if you are this uncomfortable around each other that you are looking over your shoulders and paranoid of what you may say that may be taken the wrong way. As far as holding it against you if you leaves a) don't you think she already holds it against you that you are there? and b) would SHE stay somewhere where someone said something like that to her? Of course not! It's completely insulting. And I'm sorry your husband should be supportive of whatever you decide because he's not there and if Momma ain't happy, nobody's happy.
 

movie zombie

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i'd live in a campground with my kids rather than in this situation. it would tear at me heart and soul and i'd not be able to "suck" it up or be civil. you deserve a peace prize for being there this long.

mz
 

Kaleigh

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MC,
Oh dear, first of all I am really sorry you are living in this hellish manor. From your past posts, I know your DH's family hasn't treated you well, or your kids...

So not sure why you are living under her roof.. If there is a chance to get the heck out, I would... It's no good for you or your adorable kids.

HUGS!!!!
 

Bunny007

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Wow what an awful situation. MC, you seem like such a nice person, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Kaleigh said:
MC,
Oh dear, first of all I am really sorry you are living in this hellish manor. From your past posts, I know your DH's family hasn't treated you well, or your kids...

So not sure why you are living under her roof.. If there is a chance to get the heck out, I would... It's no good for you or your adorable kids.

HUGS!!!!
Thanks, gals. Yeah, they haven't always been the nicest, but it's gone from the small things to making me the primary target for all vicious talk. I guess that they have vilified me to the point that a family member working with my dh out-of-state said his head was left spinning from all the bad talk!

Yep, maybe I should go to a campground.

Oh, and just to add to the fun, their dog killed my cat and they told me it was due to "natural selection." Never said sorry or anything.
 

Dee*Jay

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MC said:
Oh, and just to add to the fun, their dog killed my cat and they told me it was due to "natural selection." Never said sorry or anything.


WHAT?!?!?! I *CAN * NOT* BELIEVE THIS! MC, you are a much much much better person that I am. If this were me there would be some "natural fvcking selection" going on around there all right. Hang in there girlfriend. Seriously... :nono: :angryfire:
 

movie zombie

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Dee*Jay said:
MC said:
Oh, and just to add to the fun, their dog killed my cat and they told me it was due to "natural selection." Never said sorry or anything.


WHAT?!?!?! I *CAN * NOT* BELIEVE THIS! MC, you are a much much much better person that I am. If this were me there would be some "natural fvcking selection" going on around there all right. Hang in there girlfriend. Seriously... :nono: :angryfire:

ok, that would have broke it for me.....i'd tell hubby to suck it up when he gets back 'cause i won't be there. yes, i'm a first class A1 :angryfire:itch.

mz
 

Dee*Jay

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MC, I am sorry to repost but I have been fuming over this. Someone earlier on asked if there was an inter-cultural difference at work here. No--there is an inter-PLANETARY difference at work here. NO ONE in this day and age, I don't care where you are (except maybe the plane Uranus, which is clearly where your MIL is from) uses "natural selection" as the justification for her dog killing your cat. I am not going to write any more because I am too mad on your behalf and I am likely to become rude(r) toward your MIL. Your situation is unbelievable and you deserve Wife of the Century, complete with tiara, when your husband gets back. My heart goes out to you.
 

swingirl

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Wait. You mean their dog killed your cat and you have your 18 month old living there? Yikes!!
 

cara

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MC, I am concerned for you! It is actually hard for me to read your posts. Are you taking care of yourself by staying in this situation? I'm serious - what do you think?
 

MichelleCarmen

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Dee*Jay said:
MC, I am sorry to repost but I have been fuming over this. Someone earlier on asked if there was an inter-cultural difference at work here. No--there is an inter-PLANETARY difference at work here. NO ONE in this day and age, I don't care where you are (except maybe the plane Uranus, which is clearly where your MIL is from) uses "natural selection" as the justification for her dog killing your cat. I am not going to write any more because I am too mad on your behalf and I am likely to become rude(r) toward your MIL. Your situation is unbelievable and you deserve Wife of the Century, complete with tiara, when your husband gets back. My heart goes out to you.
lol to interplanetary! Yeah, the cat/natural selection is just the VERY tip of the iceberg. . .it's so crazy, I could write a novel. In fact, I have one of those Flip camcorders and was considering recording coversations just to back my word. I told my dh and he said NO WAY, but then I told a friend and she said she did that to protect her family!
 

MichelleCarmen

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swingirl said:
Wait. You mean their dog killed your cat and you have your 18 month old living there? Yikes!!
My kids are older than 18 months. One is 8 and the other is turning 10. They pick up on everything. . .
 

Hera

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It is usually good for the husband to not reveal every little negative comment to their spouse to avoid fights, animosity etc. however I really think your husband did a disservice by not trying to protect and help you avoid this situation. It is hard to have someone living with you and it can bring out the worst in people.
I agree with others that say to move out! Your mental health is worth more than that. I don't know if others are joking about camping, but seriously, that sounds like a good plan to me.
 

VRBeauty

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MC, please think about the life lessons your kids are learning from this, such as...

That where family is concerned, it's always more important to keep the peace than to stand up for or protect yourself.
That it's more important to keep the peace than to speak honestly about how you feel or how another person's actions might be hurting or harming you.
That saving money trumps everything else, even if it means putting yourself in harm's way physically or emotionally.
That sometimes you just have to suck it up even in situations in which you're suffering great emotional damage.
That in family struggles, the younger or weaker members don't count and are even expendable.
That the wife should always obey and follow her husband's lead, no matter what the consequences to her own well-being.


I know these scenarios probably sound like hyperbole and exaggeration and you're probably thinking well it's nothing like that... and I'm sure you're right. But... your kids are watching and they are absorbing messages, and they probably aren't the the lessons that you and your hubby would consciously try to teach your children, especially about valuing and taking care of themselves. Or for that matter, about the parents' roles in protecting their children.

Just to be clear, I am not in any way questioning your honesty or the truth of what you've posted. But... if you had started this thread under a (more :wink2: ) anonymous screen name... if I didn't know that you have a long history on this board, of honest and compassionate posting... I would have assumed that this was a work of fiction posted by a troll or a needy person just looking for attention. That you are still in that situation, that your kids are still in that situation... it's that far beyond the pale for me.
 

MichelleCarmen

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VRBeauty said:
MC, please think about the life lessons your kids are learning from this, such as...

That where family is concerned, it's always more important to keep the peace than to stand up for or protect yourself.
That it's more important to keep the peace than to speak honestly about how you feel or how another person's actions might be hurting or harming you.
That saving money trumps everything else, even if it means putting yourself in harm's way physically or emotionally.
That sometimes you just have to suck it up even in situations in which you're suffering great emotional damage.
That in family struggles, the younger or weaker members don't count and are even expendable.
That the wife should always obey and follow her husband's lead, no matter what the consequences to her own well-being.


I know these scenarios probably sound like hyperbole and exaggeration and you're probably thinking well it's nothing like that... and I'm sure you're right. But... your kids are watching and they are absorbing messages, and they probably aren't the the lessons that you and your hubby would consciously try to teach your children, especially about valuing and taking care of themselves. Or for that matter, about the parents' roles in protecting their children.

Just to be clear, I am not in any way questioning your honesty or the truth of what you've posted. But... if you had started this thread under a (more :wink2: ) anonymous screen name... if I didn't know that you have a long history on this board, of honest and compassionate posting... I would have assumed that this was a work of fiction posted by a troll or a needy person just looking for attention. That you are still in that situation, that your kids are still in that situation... it's that far beyond the pale for me.

I can see it sounding like fiction. . .I wish I could say the dog/cat story is a work of fiction!

Also, what you posted about what my kids see is true. They see my MIL bullying me and I'm having a difficult time with them. I'm totally against hand-held video games but she suggested getting them Nintendo DSs so I said yes, but it's turned into a disaster. All the time my kids spent playing Legos, etc., is now them obessing over when I'll let them play their games. They do still read an hour a day like they're required to do. . .but all else.

Like you said about "that it's more important to keep the peace than to speak honestly about how you feel or how another person's actions might be hurting or harming you," is NOT how I feel, however speaking out has only made worse. I'm a VERY confrontational woman. The deal is my MIL is not. She is bubbily while actually fuming with hatred. Jekle and Hyde. If I say one thing in defense, she flips out!

I ran into a friend from high school. He asked me if my MIL is on something! He said she was acting really weird.
 

KimberlyH

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Given all you have shared I can't comprehend why you don't leave. You have an alternative place to go, so go. Your being complicit only conveys all this craziness is acceptable and that you are willing to play a part in it.
 

VRBeauty

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MC said:
I can see it sounding like fiction. . .I wish I could say the dog/cat story is a work of fiction!

Also, what you posted about what my kids see is true. They see my MIL bullying me and I'm having a difficult time with them. I'm totally against hand-held video games but she suggested getting them Nintendo DSs so I said yes, but it's turned into a disaster. All the time my kids spent playing Legos, etc., is now them obessing over when I'll let them play their games. They do still read an hour a day like they're required to do. . .but all else.

Like you said about "that it's more important to keep the peace than to speak honestly about how you feel or how another person's actions might be hurting or harming you," is NOT how I feel, however speaking out has only made worse. I'm a VERY confrontational woman. The deal is my MIL is not. She is bubbily while actually fuming with hatred. Jekle and Hyde. If I say one thing in defense, she flips out!

I ran into a friend from high school. He asked me if my MIL is on something! He said she was acting really weird.

I see resignation.

What I would expect to see is OUTRAGE! ETA - or even denial or defensiveness...

Stockholm syndrome?

ETA - or even denial or defensiveness... MC, could you talk to someone about this face-to-face? Someone in your family, or a clergy person or friend... someone objective who you could have a real conversation with who could maybe offer their observations and feedback?
 
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