How to help

[nytemist]

Have to vent and figure out how to get my head together again. It''s been a pretty rough week for me. We''ve had some changes here at work; people laid off so the admin dept. I''m in went from staff of four to two and we''ve been crazy busy.

After many phone conversations over the past couple of months, I finally had an in office appointment with the therapist I''ve needed to see last week. It went well, she gave me other ways to look at and approach the issues going on in our lives. She gave us an exercise to do to find the root cause of the communication issues and it has been emotionally draining to me. I''m also kind of annoyed that DH hasn''t really done most of this exercise yet. We have been doing a little better with talking to each other, but it''s kind of been a two step forward, one step back.

Last night, my good friend called me and told me her brother committed suicide. I was one of the first people she called since I understood a family loss. After talking to her, I spoke to her fiance for a bit and he wasn''t going to leave her side. I told him that anything I could do to let me know. Later I fell apart with all the other things going on and thinking about how badly I miss my father. I don''t know what to do to help her. I had to deal with two suicides back in high school, but they weren''t really close to me. How do I be a shoulder for her when I feel like crap in the head?

 

[Delster]

Oh nytemist I''m so sorry. This has touched my life too. All you can do is be there for your friend. Don''t worry about feeling like crap yourself, she''ll recognise your grief for what it is and that may even be a comfort. Just let her be herself, in whatever form her grief comes. Take care, thinking of you.

 

[lumpkin]

I have TWO neighbors who actually live next door to each other, and one of them next to me, who had sibblings that committed suicide. I also had a cousin who committed suicide in high school and a friend whose daughter tried to commit suicide. My husband''s grandfather committed suicide as did the child of my husbands'' parents'' friends. I can''t believe how common it is and how tragic.

The only thing you can really do is listen, validate her feelings, go to the funeral, bring a few meals to her house so she doesn''t have to cook every night, and just be there for her. Let her know you love her and that you know she is experiencing a unique kind of grief and that she can express whatever she needs to to you.

I''m sorry about your work situation. Layoffs are rampant. I hope your hubby can work with you through your comminication problems.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Just wanted you to know I read your post. I didn''t want you to think no one was listening. You are pulling quite a load. I am so sorry it has all fallen at once.

All I can say is you will find the strength. You have it...you really do. You take one foot and place it in front of the other...and you just do it. Prioritize your tasks. Stay focused and get them done.

Please eat even when you don''t feel like it. Nourish your body as it plays a large part of your physical strength. You need to keep it healthy and strong to help you through this emotional turmoil. I''ll be thinking of you...and willing you to succeed.

 

[Erin]

Send her a card in the mail?
Drop by her house with some healthy snacks? favorite foods?
Beforehand ask her if she needs any household item - toilet paper, garbage bags, laundry soap? and when you leave offer to drop off mail? dry cleaning?

In times of grief I am very thankful for those who do things to simplify my life. Less things to stress over, which is why people bring food.

Offer to get her out of the house. Walk the dog? Go out for coffee and sit in the car to talk - where she can get it all out?

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. Maybe you need a dog walk, too.

 

[Independent Gal]

I think bringing food is very kind and caring at such times. In the midst of so much grief, simple tasks like cooking may be difficult. And feeding people is one of the best ways of caring for them symbolically. In the process, you are taking care of yourself too, if you find baking or cooking soothing, as many people (me included) do.

So sorry things are tough right now. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so sorry, you have a lot on your plate right now. As far as your friend is concerned just be there for her. She will be going through a wide range of emotions. First sadness, grief, and then anger. I know because this has touched my life too. And be good to yourself, being a rock for other''s can take a toll on you too. HUGS. Lisa

 

[nytemist]

I just felt like an idiot when she called me. She was crying so I couldn''t understand her at first. When I got what she was saying I was silent for a moment, like my head couldn''t process, like it was stuck you know? First thing I said was that I was sorry and was her fiance with her. If she were alone I would have taken the car and gone to her apartment. She told me shorthand that he had shot himself but didn''t know why, she felt like a bad sister that she didn''t realize that something was going on with him and wasn''t there to help him. I let her know that she didn''t do anything wrong. After getting off the phone I felt like I was telling her all the wrong things and who did I think I was helping as screwed up as I am right now? She was in the car on her way to her parent''s house and I believe her fiance said they would be there until the weekend, he works for her father and her office gave her the emergency days off today and tomorrow. I tried so hard to not cry on the phone since she needed me to be strong for her. I want to call and offer to take care of their cat, but they are so far I can''t get the keys and I certainly wouldn''t feel right going to her parent''s house when they don''t know me from Adam. I will try to see what I can do for them when they are back in Boston, probably on Monday. I feel like my head can''t hold anymore, does that makes sense? I''m trying work and getting distracted since I''m worried about her, I didn''t sleep well last night, worse than usual and DH wanted ''attention'' this morning and I flipped out on him about it, for acting like he didn''t care what was going on with me and he should be more senitive to this as he does know her.

She isn''t a fragile piece of glasss, but does have a history of depression which is why I really don''t want her to be alone at all. I don''t know why I feel so responsible for her. I know that it''s a horrible thing. I know some people think it''s the coward''s way out, but I have been on the other side and tried to explain to DH that there are times you don''t feel like anything is worth it anymore, but it''s all in how you handle it. Some don''t handle that kind of pain well at all.

 

[bee*]

So sorry to hear that things are tough ny. In terms of your friend, just be there for her. Maybe send her a card or call her to let her know that you''re there for her whenever she needs you. It''s very reassuring to know that someone''s there for you when you''re going through a bereavement. Bringing food over is also a great idea.

 

[Sabine]

Oh nytemist, I''m sorry for your friend and that you are having such a hard time. I''m sure your friend is not going to be thinking about how you had a hard time understanding her or how you didn''t know what to say, she''ll remember that you listened and were there for her. And that''s all you can continue to do, as well as reach out to the people in your life who give you strength and help recharge you. Take time to take care of yourself, and then you''ll be much more equipped to help your friend.

 

[zoebartlett]

I haven''t been in either situation but I think I know what you mean when you said that your head couldn''t process and you felt stuck. I think it''s hard to switch gears when there''s stuff going on in your life that you''re trying to figure out and then someone or something else needs your attention at the same time. It''s difficult to juggle all the emotions. I''m sorry for everything you''re going through at the moment. I wish you the best in figuring things out with your husband, and I feel sorry for your friend''s loss.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I have lost serveral young friends to suicide and I have only two suggestions that seem strange but should be considered.
The first is to try and keep pictures of the deceased away from her. It makes everything more real and painful.
The second and very important one is to help her work through her guilt. Everyone helps with the grief but of those close to the sucides I have known, the guilt lingers longer and is more damaging to them in the long term.

 

[Skippy123]

Gosh, I am so sorry; I think talking to a counselor may help. I think sometimes things are so hard to handle that it helps to have someone to talk to who may help you during this time. I think try to be there for your friend as much as possible and do something nice for yourself. HUGE HUG Nytemist; so sorry

 

[somethingshiny]

nytemist, you''re doing everything right. Just listening to your friend is what she needs right now. She needs someone she can talk to without feeling guilty. I think in the case of suicide, anyone close to the victim always feels guilt. It''s normal and she''ll work through it. If she seems to go too far into a depression, be sure to discuss it with her fiance or parents.

You must be a great friend if she chose to call you so soon.

 

[CrownJewel]

nytemist, I''m sorry to hear what a rough week you''ve had. You''re such a great friend. Even if you don''t have all the answers for your friend, or if you can''t think of the "right" things to say, what''s important is that you''re there. And you call. And you listen.

I think getting phone calls and emails is what really helps someone get through a rough time. Just knowing someone is out there thinking of her. And you sound like you need a little of that yourself! I know you want to be strong for her, but sometimes, a good cry with a girl friend also helps me.

 

[nytemist]

Thank you all, I feel like I have a bit of a better head today. i''m still so tired and have basically asked my dh to kind of leave me alone. He''s never really dealt with loss and he isn''t an emotional person. Like most of his grandparents died before he was born, only one grandmother that he knew but they weren''t close.

I talked to her for a little while last night. She was admitted to the hospital because she collasped at her parent''s house. She''s coming back to her place, she think it''s better to be in her apartment than the house. Her mom has been in shock, acting like all is fine and she can''t handle that right now. She tried to apologize to me for calling me first... I told her nonsense, she had nothing to say sorry for. Right now she''s on meds, not sure what, but she was a little out of it so she was going on about feeling bad for burdening me and she didn''t mean to make me sad. Tried to convince her not to worry about me, just let me know what I can do for her. This weekedn they will be making arrangments and the funeral may be on Tueasday. So I get myself together after getting off the phone and fill in DH. His reaction- ''that really sucks'', then goes on about soemthing on tv. I had to leave the room. I feel selfish in that I need some support also and it isn''t happening.

Tomorrow I think I wil stop by, bring them something or just give her a hug or whatever I can do. Not sure when they are going back to her parents house. Yesterday I bit my boss''s head off since he kept asking me about something that I was too distracted to get done on time. I had to let him know what was happening since I''m a bad employee right now.

 

[nytemist]

As expected she is still on autopilot. She called me yesterday to tell me about the memorial service tonight and the funeral tomorrow. I tried to tell her again not to feel bad about calling me. I told her I would be there for the funeral and for not to worry about me being comfortable or not. (the rest of the family hasn''t met me, only know me through what she says and the wedding pics) I feel better that she has people around. Her cousin also came to stay at their place for a few nights so even when her fiance is out she isn''t alone. I feel like crap though, I really wanted to send an arrangement to the funeral home for the service tonight but I literally couldn''t afford it. I''m just trying to focus on her since she needs more support right now, then I''l deal with home life. Don''t have enough energy to do both right now.

Thank you everyone for the nice words and support.

 

[somethingshiny]

Being there for her means a lot more than an arrangement. Your continued support will be something she''ll always remember.

I understand how exhausting this can be, but do try to do something for yourself, too. Right now, you are doing so much for everyone else, you need to take some time for you.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yes to what Somethingshiny said.

One of my husband''s relatives tried to commit suicide last summer and it was a whirlwind of emotional overburden for everyone. We all were there and supportive, but so exhausted from the whole ordeal.

You''re very nice to be there for your friend, but be sure to take time for yourself and try and recoup.

 

[door knob solitaire]

As Something Shiny and MC reminded you...it is you that is important. Your concern and support is what she will remember. .....Thinking of you.

 

[VRBeauty]

Nytemist: I''m so sorry you''re dealing with so much right now. It sounds like your friend is in good hands. Please take care of yourself!

 

[nytemist]

Well, I talked to her for a little while after the burial. The actual ceremony at the church was closed to just family, but I told her I would be there at the cemetary for her. She holding up the best she can as the whole family is. I didn''t stay long, since it did feel kind of awkward since no one else knew me but her fiance. It was rough.

I want to say thank you for the words of advice that were given to me. It''s been hard. I lose my mind at work, then try to be there for her if she calls. I know I should eat, but I haven''t really been lately, I have no appetite and when I eat I feel sick.

As for home, husband has been failing in giving any real comfort. He''s hiding behind the cats. I''m going to stay at my aunt''s place during the weekend and try to get a grip. Next week I will see my therapist again.