Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adoption?

[vinjewels]

Lately, the idea of adoption has been all around me. Kind of like when I was TTC my kiddos, it seemed like I would see a MILLION pregger women. Maybe I just was more aware of it and noticed them more than I would have. Anyway, I finally got the courage to broach the subject with SO. We have two healthy kids and I expected him to clam up at the thought. Instead, he said he would definitely be open to it.
Anyone here go this route? I would love to hear how you got started. There is so much out there and I am only in consideration stage here.

 

[tammy77]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

Hi there! I'm not sure about the process, but I knew there was an adoption thread so I found it and bumped it up to the top for you. It's a WONDERFUL thread to read, even if you're not adopting.

 

[vinjewels]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

Very cool! Thanks!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

Hi Vin-My son, now 3 1/2 joined our family through Ethiopian adoption last summer. DH and I are currently TTC (he wants to try for 306 months before we move forward with another adoption, since he's almost 36 and I am almost 34) and researching/planning/making decisions about when/how/where to begin a second adoption.

There are ethical and financial considerations regardless of which route you chose, but really it is a huge choose your own adventure kind of experience....

The biggest initial considerations IMO are:
1. Are you open to a child that is not a baby? If so, how old? What would work with your current kids? I would strongly recommend maintaining birth order if at all possible (i.e. adopt a child who is at least 18-24+ months younger than your current youngest).
2. Are you open to siblings?
3. Are you open to transracial adoption?
4. Those first three considerations will help you answer: domestic infant vs. vs. domestic fostercare adoption vs. international?
5. Depending on which route you choose, then there are a lot of decisions re finances and ethics that, along with research, will help you to choose an agency (homestudy agency, placement agency, or maybe one agency that can do both). Once you have chosen a path and an agency, they will lay out the steps, or at least you'll know what you need to research/decide for yourself.

That's kind of the cliff notes version

My son is incredible and I can not imagine my life without him. I love him, am in love with him, and would not trade him for any child in the world, biological or otherwise! Everyday, I am grateful that I get to be his mommy, even on the hard days (which definitely exist) but it is all so worth it!

If it was up to me, we would be knee deep in a second adoption right now, but DH is not totally there yet...

There are many lovely PS ladies and gents who have traveled the adoption road. Diamondseeker may especially have some insight to share as she has two biological children and her youngest is adopted.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

Great post, Bella!

I would like to add that I also have a bio child, but he is the younger one. I don't know if it makes a difference whether the first child is the adopted one in terms of whether you have concerns if you could love an adopted child the same as a bio child, but I remember worrying I wouldn't be able to love the bio child as much as the adopted one!

Mine came to me through a Korean adoption (and I am also a Korean adoptee). She is the light of my life!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

Our two biological children were 10 and 13 when we adopted a baby girl from China. It was hands down the best thing we have ever done. I am soooo thankful we were able to adopt and this child has been a blessing that I cannot imagine not having.

There are things to learn. I do recommend international and a child as young as possible. The issue with domestic is that we see so many fall through, plus there are so many childless couples waiting. A member here went through being chosen twice by birthmothers and then they backed out when the babies were born. Finally the third one worked. We had one failed adoption internationally (before placement but we had her picture and video) and it was very hard on the family, so I recommend going internationally but choose a country which has a fairly stable adoption program. I have had friends who adopted bi-racial children domestically without too much trouble, but I think the adoption expenses were as costly as international.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

I have lots of love and respect for diamondseeker, but wanted to communicate another perspective regarding age of a child at the time of adoption and domestic adoption options.

Bonding and attachment are often the impetus behind many families electing to adopt an infant (and bonding/attachment are a 360 degree process for both parents and children). Adopting an infant can initially be easier as infants naturally require the kinds of interactions that help to promote bonding and attachment--snuggles, feedings, babywearing, skin to skin contact, and lots of "games" that promote eye contact. Parents tend to have a more immediate sense of attachment with a baby--they are cute, parents tend to have low expectations of baby's interaction with them, and discipline is not an immediate issue.

In adoption of 'older kids" (in general, in the international adoption world, frequently 2 years and older for boys and 4 years and older for girls tends to be considered "older" while in U.S. fostercare adoption older than 6 for boys and 8 for girls tends to be "older") parents need to be more intentional with interactions to promote bonding and attachment and recognize that although a child's chronological age might be older, their family age, and often their developmental age, could initially be much lower, in fact their family age at the time of placement is always newborn --this can sometimes require more thought and strategic planning on the part of parents. It can initially feel a little ( or a lot) awkward as these aren't typically interactions you might have with biological children of the same age (e.g. babywearing a 5 year old, playing peek-a-boo with an 8 year old, holding hands with a 10 year old, etc.). Also, parents tend to have more expectations for interactions with older kids, they can be more verbal, and discipline comes into play immediately.

it is rare, but both kids adopted as older children AND as infants can sometimes have scary issues, including reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) as well as a host of sensory processing disorders and other challenges (no matter what age while you are adopting, I would recommend being aware of both of these, don't freak out about them , but they are real challenges. I would also strongly recommend books by Karen Purvis). These issues vary on a spectrum but can be very, very scary. Usually, these kinds of challenges are not visible/able to be diagnosed at the time of adoption as they tend to emerge/become visible after children are home with their new families.

The thing is, these kinds of issues are not unique to children adopted at older ages, in fact frequently they are found in children adopted at very young ages. Crucial factors in a child being able to form a meaningful attachment to an adoptive family is whether they have previously been able to develop a healthy attachment (particularly during the first 6 months after birth as this is when those pathways in the brain primarily develop), how often those attachments have been broken, and the child's personality.

An older child who was loved and taken care of by their first family but them placed for adoption due to difficult circumstances later in their childhood would be much more likely to bond with their new family than an infant who was abandoned shortly after birth and spent their crucial first few months receiving limited care in a crowded orphanage.

A child with a low-key, laid-back, flexible personality would be much more likely to bond with a new family than one with a more high-maintenance rigid personality.

A child who dealt with poverty, loss, and difficult circumstances, but overall was relatively healthy and safe would be much more likely to bond with their new family than one who was the victim of severe trauma.

There are many factors that contribute to how a child and family attach to each other and age at the time of adoption is not the defining characteristic. Even children adopted at birth (and even biological children!) can develop RAD, ODD, and the other issues typically associated with adoption.

Supporting the Pricescope mantra, people vary That goes for birth families, adoptive families, and children. Despite all these considerations, it is entirely possible that a rigid, high maintenance child who had no attachment during the first 6 months and experienced sever trauma could attach wonderfully to an adoptive family, but the alternative is also possible. Just like birth, there are no guarantees and adopting a child as young as possible is not usually the answer. If parents go into older child adoption with their eyes wide open (namely knowing that they will have to do some extra work at the beginning to facilitate bonding and attachment) I don't think that age of a child at adoption is the defining factor in attachment issues/successes.

I know several families who are dealing with RAD in their children adopted as older kids. I know several families struggling with RAD in one sibling but not another, even though they had by and large the same life experiences. Also, I know several families who are currently dealing with RAD, ODD, and PTSD in their children who were adopted as very little (4-6 months old) babies. People vary and in adoption, as in life, things are nuanced and there are no guarantees.

My son was 2 years 8 months when he joined our family. His short life has been marked by loss and we were the 5th caretaking situation he had been in. Our family has had some significant attachment challenges. They were definitely not RAD, but they were significant. We have worked very hard and very intentionally to come together as a family and are in a very good place now. It has been a lot of hard work, but also some of the most amazing and rewarding and I can not emphasize enough what an incredible blessing my son is to my husband and I. He is an amazing, giggly, stubborn, quirky, goofy, smart, resilient, courageous, strong, little boy and we are head over heels in love with him.

As far as domestic adoption, it is an option that my DH and I have been researching in-depth recently and I will say, it has its own set of challenges, but potential adoptive parents can make choices to dramatically limit/eliminate risk. If DH and I pursued domestic adoption, we would do one or more of the following:
1. adopt a legally freed child through the fostercare system (the parental rights have already been terminated by the court)
2. adopt an infant who is already born (i.e. we are not open to being matched with an expectant mother before birth, its fine with us if she picks us beforehand and we would even be willing to meet, but we don't want to know if we've been picked or have her feel any obligation to place with us until she has had some time to process the birth of her child)
3. ensure that the expectant mother goes through options counciling that explores all her options and does not come with pressure to place for adoption
4. use an agency who supports the above (not an adoption facilitator as there tend to be more disruption issues with those due to lack of counciling, support, and pressure to place for adoption) and ideally one who offers high quality interim care so that an expectant parent can have some time to really consider the adoption decision before placement

All of the above may not at all be what another family would choose, but for us those were the parameters that we would be comfortable with and seem to virtually eliminate risk of an adoption not being finalized.

Again, people vary. The decisions that are right for my family may not be the ones that are right for your family, but I wanted to put this out there so that you and other families who are looking for info could have another perspective.

Sorry this is so long! I am pretty passionate about adoption and also about all parties being able to make an informed decision in the best interest of the child and the child's future questions/feelings/challenges/growth, plus I am in the middle of researching adoption options for beginning a potential second adoption journey later this year.

 

[vinjewels]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

Thanks SO much for the long posts. The other thread was a bear to catch up on and I don't want to get overwhelmed. We have two healthy children and talked about the fact that the third (if we decide so) doesn't necessarily have to be biological. Actually I would be happy to let someone else be pregger for me!
I did work as a nanny WAY back in college. The family adopted one domestically and 6 from Russia (yes, i did ask for a slight raise after the 7th). But lately all signs point to just looking into the possibility. There are so many kids that need loving homes out there and I am open to all of your questions Bella (yes, I would be open to any ethnicity, age, etc...as long as I had a chance to research the heck out of it) I feel that, if we decide this is right for our family, the child chooses us.
However, lots of homework and reading/research to do on it. You all have saved me hours. Thanks!

 

[MissStepcut]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

The thing is, these kinds of issues are not unique to children adopted at older ages, in fact frequently they are found in children adopted at very young ages. Crucial factors in a child being able to form a meaningful attachment to an adoptive family is whether they have previously been able to develop a healthy attachment (particularly during the first 6 months after birth as this is when those pathways in the brain primarily develop), how often those attachments have been broken, and the child's personality.

I think all of your post was helpful and accurate, but I wanted to speak to this.

My baby brother was adopted domestically. My parents were physically present at his birth. He does have ODD, and it's been a heck of a challenge. He is very loved and we would do it again anyway, and I am sure bio kids end up with ODD too, but I've always wondered if being adopted was somehow a factor. Regardless, there are lots of issues even with infant adoption, and I am glad you've posted this to help people make a fully informed choice.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Re: Has anyone looked into adoption or gone thru with adopti

Thanks for sharing this MissStepCut (and I am sorry that your brother and family have all had to deal with the impact of ODD).

I love PS, especially these adoption threads, b/c we all share our experiences and thoughts about this, even if we have different experiences and/or opinions.I find learning about direct experiences of children, siblings, birth parents, and adoptive parents is so helpful as I parent B and look to the future of hopefully more children.

I am less familiar with statistics for children adopted at birth who have RAD, ODD, sensory, etc. challenges, but I know that it is still pretty common. The bond between a baby and mother in utereo is profound and real, and children experience tremendous loss in adoption regardless of whether it happens at birth. Again, it seems a large part of how a child processes/reacts to being adopted and how that manifests itself in their life is influenced by their personality.

My philosophy going into B's adoption and any future ones, is prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Being aware of "the worst" gave me a lot of perspective during difficult times we had as a family and I think made me much more sympathetic, but also realistic and able to patiently, firmly, and effectively parent during those times (as well as manage my own expectations/needs in becoming a parent). DH had not done the research/reading I suggested (not did he share my obscene addiction to adoption blogs/books/interviews/research studies, etc. ) so he FREAKED the first few weeks. Then he started to do some reading and literally, overnight, he got a lot more perspective and became a much more patient but also effective parent.

I can not say enough good things about adoption and how for children who truly need families, and families who want to take on the risks/challenges/and rewards of being an adoptive parent, adoption is an amazing, AMAZING blessing!

B is growing like a weed and tonight I was looking at him wishing I could just bottle some of his hilarious, goofy, 3 year old self