Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future babies?

[Anastasia]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

Ah, where to even start with this situation.

Your mother in law is WAY WAY WAY out of line on many levels here. I know that you are living with her, but that doesn't mean that you need to put up with this behavior. She needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, to lay off on all of the baby talk. For goodness sake, her son isn't even in the country, and she is naming, delivering and demanding the gender of his baby.

She clearly has issues with boundaries. I am a pretty private person by nature, and hearing all of this baby talk from my mother in law would really bother me. I would not have her deliver the baby either. I can just see her talking to all of the friends and family about the intimate details of your baby's birth.

I would sit her down and tell her that having a baby is a private and personal decision, and that all of her talk of names and genders is really stressing you out. I would continue to deliver this message until she gets it.

Good Luck.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

She probably enjoys the fantasy... you just have to not internalize it. It isn't about you, it isn't about how much love she'll give her grand children, it's just something she's hoping for and being more open and honest about it than makes you comfortable. But it really isn't about you so you could try to just let it go. Gosh that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to

 

[blondebunny]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

ohhh sorry for the confusion... i will have a c-section if it comes down to it and the baby is in trouble... i totally wrote it the wrong way... i just meant like... i have seen so many issues lately with women on other forums where the doctor got lazy and decided that the woman should get pitocin and then not give her enough time and force her to have a c-section where as my MIL gives you the appropriate time and will do anything in her power to help you deliver naturally... she is willing to stay there all night and the next day if she has too... where some of these doctors i was hearing about (and actually probably the doctors in her office) just want to get it over with so they can go home and go to sleep...

i sooo wish i could tell MIL to talk to her son about her swimmers lol... but unfortunately since he is out of the country i am really the only one that talks to him...she doesnt get to talk to him much and he would probably yell at her lol...

Bliss~i am like you... i want the older protective brother for my little girl...even though my older brother didnt protect me but made me eat ants and beat me up.. lol definitely wont be teaching my son to do that haha... but i realllly want a girl and have ALWAYS wanted a little girl...and my DH is just like yours... he said i need to be careful because our little girl will get all the attention lol

So.. MIL said something about grandkids the other day again... but fortunately this time it was just grandkids and not granddaughter lol.. I dunno what to do about her wanting to be my midwife... i mean its her and 2 doctors in her office so one of them could be my doctor... but she like has her heart set on it and i dunno...its like a huge thing in the midwife community to deliver your grandbaby...she has delivered her cousins baby...goddaughter..and a lot of other relatives babys... i guess ill have to talk to my hubby about it and see what he says.. i mean he might even decide last minute he wants to deliver the baby (depending on where we are and if he is in that rotation) since he is in med school... i guess its forever away... but i just wanna find an office now and start making sure i am pretty healthy... ya know.. i also think its really funny that MIL wants a grandbaby so bad but yet she didnt really even raise my hubby his grandma did ....ahhhh why do things have to be so freaken complicated lol oh and the reason we are talk about TTC now even though its a year away (maybe less) is because of insurance purposes and just trying to be responsible and making sure we have a decent amount of money saved and have some sort of plan and of course the normal... everyone wants to know when you are having a baby right after you get married lol

thanks for all your responses

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

again, it is *unethical* for a family member to treat another family member. Sometimes difficult decisions have to be made and if the person is a relative, they may not have a clear head. It doesn't matter if they are qualified physically, emotionally it is a BAD idea.

About doctors being lazy that's pretty offensive. Are there lazy doctors out there? Of course. But there are also lazy teachers, policemen, etc. The women on your other thread either didn't do their homework and picked a poor OB *or* are making excuses because they were disappointed in their labor experience. We don't know all the details so I don't think it is okay to make such judgments. I also would advise you waiting to have a child when you and your husband are living TOGETHER. Medical school is years and years so I think that is the perfect excuse when nosy people ask you.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

again, it is *unethical* for a family member to treat another family member. Sometimes difficult decisions have to be made and if the person is a relative, they may not have a clear head. It doesn't matter if they are qualified physically, emotionally it is a BAD idea.

About doctors being lazy that's pretty offensive. Are there lazy doctors out there? Of course. But there are also lazy teachers, policemen, etc. The women on your other thread either didn't do their homework and picked a poor OB *or* are making excuses because they were disappointed in their labor experience. We don't know all the details so I don't think it is okay to make such judgments. I also would advise you waiting to have a child when you and your husband are living TOGETHER. Medical school is years and years so I think that is the perfect excuse when nosy people ask you.

Agree!

 

[Pandora II]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

again, it is *unethical* for a family member to treat another family member. Sometimes difficult decisions have to be made and if the person is a relative, they may not have a clear head. It doesn't matter if they are qualified physically, emotionally it is a BAD idea.

About doctors being lazy that's pretty offensive. Are there lazy doctors out there? Of course. But there are also lazy teachers, policemen, etc. The women on your other thread either didn't do their homework and picked a poor OB *or* are making excuses because they were disappointed in their labor experience. We don't know all the details so I don't think it is okay to make such judgments. I also would advise you waiting to have a child when you and your husband are living TOGETHER. Medical school is years and years so I think that is the perfect excuse when nosy people ask you.

Ditto, ditto, ditto...

My father and FIL are both doctors, my uncle is one of the leading OB's in the UK and no way on earth were any of them going to deliver our daughter.

My father was there on the phone anytime I needed him, but that was it. Even though he is very experienced in problematic deliveries, when I needed rotational forceps he would not have wanted to be responsible for such a tricky manouvere - and a c-section would have killed me (I'd already lost over half my blood volume).

If it was a freak situation where there was no access to alternative medical care then I would have been 100% happy and have full confidence - he delivered my brother as he was the only doctor available on the island we were living on at the time - but otherwise I wouldn't have wanted him to have that responsibility.

If I had died, how would he have lived with himself? He'd have always wondered if he had made the best clinical decisions. If he'd made a mistake and Daisy had been damaged how would he feel and how would I feel about suing my own father? It's just not worth it.

Having a baby is the most dangerous thing a woman will ever do in her life bar being born herself. In the western world we forget this. The health and safety of mother and child come way, way before some midwife being able to boast she delivered her own grandchild.

 

[tyty333]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

Ah, where to even start with this situation.

Your mother in law is WAY WAY WAY out of line on many levels here. I know that you are living with her, but that doesn't mean that you need to put up with this behavior. She needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, to lay off on all of the baby talk. For goodness sake, her son isn't even in the country, and she is naming, delivering and demanding the gender of his baby.

She clearly has issues with boundaries. I am a pretty private person by nature, and hearing all of this baby talk from my mother in law would really bother me. I would not have her deliver the baby either. I can just see her talking to all of the friends and family about the intimate details of your baby's birth.

I would sit her down and tell her that having a baby is a private and personal decision, and that all of her talk of names and genders is really stressing you out. I would continue to deliver this message until she gets it.

Good Luck.

You said it for me Anastasia....I would nicely tell her to lay off with all the baby talk that you feel like she is jinxing you.

And...if your MIL has already spilt your baby names when you asked her not to ...who knows who all she will tell about every
detail of your delivery. There are some things you just dont want out there (this is why I didnt want my Mom in the
delivery room and I love her dearly).

 

[Jas12]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

yep, my FIL wanted a boy first and made that known a few hundred times over the course of my pregnancy...annoyed the hell outta me. He is of the old-school mentality that boys should come first, carry the name...blah blah (it fell on deaf ears). i had to give him a bio lesson on who delivers the y chromosome. When i started to talk about his son's sperm that shut him up for a while.
I do think it is normal to have a gender preference and i hear tons of grandparents make comments about wanting one gender over the others (as parents do as well), but it's ridiculous to pour it on that thick, that serious, and so often before you are even pregnant. That's just weird. You do need to talk to her . I'd say something like "what ever happened to just wanting a healthy baby?"


As for having your MIL as your midwife-- I don't think that is wise if you don't like her that much (and may not be possible for ethical reasons). Could you just have her assisting? There is no rule about who should, shouldn't be in your room when you give birth. Some ppl just want their DH, some like to have a party in the room. This is very personal and if your MIL is a professional (which it sounds like she is) she will understand & respect your choice of attendants. You need to have a frank discussion with her when the time comes. I know many friends that happily had their MILs in the room...but only because they wanted them there.

If you really want to piss her off, have a boy and opt for an OB

 

[Cehrabehra]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

ask her if she would be your doula... that might be the best of both worlds

 

[blondebunny]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

sorry i wasnt saying all doctors are lazy because i have had some fabulous doctors who are definitely NOT lazy.. i was just repeating what the girls said in their post, sorry if it hurt anyones feelings, i certainly did not mean to. The reason i believe these girls said the drs were lazy was because a nurse came in and yelled at her telling her that the dr will only do c-sections at 11pm or 6am...and told her she HAD to be fully dilated by 11 or else she was getting a c-section... when she was fine and all the tests were fine and she could wait longer... then the nurse came in and turned up the pitocin and then turned OFF her epidural for no reason and the girl yelled at the nurse because she didnt even check to see that she was fully dilated (meanwhile the nurse was already prepped to go to the OR for a c-section) and she ended up giving birth naturally and having a vacuum used on NO pain meds because of the nurse being a PITA... so i guess maybe it was actually the nurse...who knows... not my story so im not positive... but then ive read so many more on other forums on how they were lied to and stuff and didnt know till after the fact... ok sorry off topic/...

back to the real topic...
I talked to DH and he said he really wants to be able to deliver baby, so hopefully we will just be at whatever hospital he is, and will get a good dr... but i do think it would be a good idea to tell her she could be the doula... even though i dunno if she could do that cuz normally she just delivers the baby... god this makes me not want to have a baby lol...

Tacori- when we plan to have our baby, we will be living together, but thanks for the concern.

I just dont know when the time comes if i am going to be able to tell her sorry you cant deliver your grandchild because she has already showed me this magazine that gets published and all the midwives who have announcements in there about how they delivered their grandchildren... so i am not really sure how that could be unethical since they pretty much almost promote it? I see what u mean Tacori, as I was looking over in my insurance and it said something about a dr treating a relative... but couldnt really find any more information on it. In fact, MIL's cousin i guess u would call her (she is 21) got pregnant accidentally, and of course would have been on medicaid... I called medicaid to see if it was legal/ethical for MIL to treat her cousin and they said yes..and that is coming from the government... so who knows? Unfortunately her cousin lost the baby .

I guess I am just over it now. I will just save money up and get healthy and start tracking my cycles when i go off BC in 6 months... But i guess i dont see why its an issue for me to be worried about things like these..especially considering how long it takes to get dr appts when ur a new patient. Sorry bothered anyone. Hope no one else has these issues.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Did/Do your parents prefer a gender with your future bab

I would also not want the father of the baby being the medical provider, that is even worse than the MIL! Did you read Pandora's post? Perhaps you mean "deliver" like be the one to catch the baby though. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt.

And hon, before you become a mother, work on standing up for yourself. Trust me, if your MIL will not listen to your wishes now, wait until after tha baby comes