Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders

[galeteia]

I''m not really sure how to start off this post.

Disclaimer:Therapy is not an option. We simply cannot afford it. Our budget is rent, food, and gas so he can get to work. No fun money. I won''t have work authorization for months and he is a student, and while the Psychology department at his school has a ''sliding scale'' fee system, obviously having one of his own friends/colleagues as my therapist is not an option either.

I have never been so extreme as to pass the highly rigorous parameters set out by the DSM and be declared a valid case of BDD (Body Dysmorphoc Disorder) or an eating disorder. Which is to say, I have never ''passed'' all the necessary criteria. Gee thanks, I guess I don''t have a problem. Thanks, APA! Nice to know that I don''t qualify to have a legitimate or serious issue.

Instead, I have frequent episodes (since my preteens, I''m now 27) which are socially, emotionally, and mentally debilitating, ranging from having plans to go out and being excited to socialize and then abruptly become so horrified by my appearance that I refuse to leave the house, forcing a cancellation of whatever plans we have made, to an idiotic and ignorant saleswoman at a recent bra shopping nightmare who triggered another one which has lasted a week, hence me posting this thread. It''s bad enough this time that I have been unable to be intimate with my SO, convinced that I have to ''protect'' him from exposure to the abomination that is my body.

Normally, what I dub ''episodes'' have a trigger, like putting on clothing and seeing myself partially naked. Ironically, when I am not having an episode, I wander around the house fully naked and unconcerned, hitting on my guy and cheerfully having sex like a couple who''s been apart for two years. I''m a size 12-14 (hard to write that number, back in my starvation days, a size 6 was baggy) and some days I look in the mirror and see a size 12, sometimes I look in the mirror and see a size 22. Seeing anything "pro-Ana" will also set me off, where I either give in to my starvation urges and feel that addictive rush of pride that you''ve managed to eat so little, or force myself to be rational and feel utterly disgusted with myself for being such a ''weak-willed pig'' as to eat a normal amount of food, knowing that I''ll stay the same ''monstrous'' size if I do.

Worsening the situation quite nicely is my sluggish thyroid. Sometimes my results come back hypothyroid, sometimes they come back normal, so I don''t qualify for thyroid medication either, even if I did have insurance or a doctor down here, which I don''t. Instead, I struggle to eat 1500-1700 nutritious calories a day and exercise frequently, which keeps me at a "lazy cow who can''t be bothered to lose weight" size instead of a "bed-ridden whale" size. Yay me.

Since therapy isn''t an option, and this is dragging both me and my guy into depression, I''m trying to reach out to those who also experience these feelings for support. Sometimes I feel humiliated for my SO that he has to introduce his ''hideous'' girlfriend to his friends, who are all keen to meet me after I''ve been the mysterious absentee girlfriend for so long. He tries to assure me that he finds me attractive, but it seems to worsen, not improve things.

What really boggles my mind about this not-quite-technically-BDD is that I see women larger than me and think they look lovely, whereas thin women look bland and uninteresting to me, and I wonder why men are attracted to them. But all of that goes out the window when I look at myself in the mirror. At times I feel physically nauseated at what I see.


I''m also furious that I have this issue still to this day. I imagine it''s not unlike an alcoholic, where you are always a ''recovering alcoholic'' and it''s something that you''ll never be free of, that temptation/danger is always there.

 

[decodelighted]

Have you checked your local paper for weekly meetings of different support groups? Often there is a calendar listing all kinds of "issues" and associated free support groups. Or maybe try BDD national groups & search for local resources?

Maybe some body-positive, sexy classes could help too ... ie. Belly Dancing, Yoga ... that kind of stuff. Does his Uni have a gym that offers subsidized classes? Or a Y nearby?

I know $$ is tight but sometimes you need to spend some on YOURSELF. Even if you have to get an under-the-table part time job to subidize it (babysitting, dog walking, lawn care) ... OR ... I have one more idea for you. You''re a costume designer right? What about sewing some crafts & selling them on Etsy. Like cloth bags or funky tops or easy projects. Then you''d have something to keep your mind off the issue briefly & extra cash to spend on co-payments for therapy or class fees or whatever else might help.

Just a couple thoughts! Sorry you''re frustrated & hurting. The change of moving down there might have triggered something (added to your stress etc). HUGS!

 

[Independent Gal]

Deco has some great ideas. Are you doing regular exercise? I wanted to add weight training or possibly martial arts as ideas. Both would give you something new and positive to think about with respect to your body, not size, but strength. The feeling of being strong and physically powerful can be tremendously empowering.

Aerobic exercise, as you may know, can help with all kinds of depression as well. It has the same rate of alleviation of symptoms (and a lower rate of relapse) than anti-depressants.

Good luck! I hope you''re able to find some support and a way out of your suffering.

 

[cara]

Uh... you need to change the rules of the game. You deserve to be healthy, you deserve a happy life, and that means finding a way to get medical treatment for your thyroid as well as therapy or other treatment for your mental health concerns. If you want some validation, yes, your post has me worried about you and your mental and physical health, regardless of whether or not you meet the criteria for certain disorders.

No matter how useful our suggestions, our posts are not a good substitute for appropriate professional treatment.

So relook at what has you in a bind saying treatment is not an option. Can you get a second job? can your boyfriend get a second job? do you need to move somewhere else to get healthy for a while? can your parents or other family members provide some supplemental assistance for therapy? are there any other mental health services available near you on a sliding scale? why are your boyfriend''s colleagues off-limits (subquestions: is the department really that small that your boyfriend works closely with them all? and isn''t patient confidentiality a cornerstone of the field? why wouldn''t you be willing to rely on them to help you when you clearly need some help?) Others suggestions for support groups or online therapy forums might help, but you sound somewhat vulnerable to certain triggers so please do be careful.

And please, don''t equate money for therapy or medical care with "fun money." Its not optional or frivolous, and at least in my experience, therapy certainly isn''t fun!

You sound very frustrated with needing additional work on these areas, which is completely understandable, but don''t let that keep you from addressing them. You might view it as needing a "tune-up" for these issues, rather than full-on treatment, but clearly you are spiraling unhealthily and I hope you can get the help you need soon... Good luck.

 

[Elmorton]

Galeteia, kudos to you for writing such a brave post. Some of the things you wrote rang very true for me - the part about being excited for a social event and then having to cancel because of a panic attack/breakdown after looking in the closet was something that I worked on in therapy for months, and now that I''m not longer in therapy, I still have relapses, but the episodes are shorter, less frequent, and easier to recover from. I sought help after those breakdowns kept me from going to work in the morning. It was embarrassing to explain, but at that point, I realized that there was a problem and I couldn''t fix it on my own - I''d also gone to the doctor (general practitioner - big mistake, honestly) for antidepressants, which only increased my physical symptoms/anxiety.

The good thing is that I now know how to recover from the breakdowns, and DH knows how to talk to me about it as well. He lets me cry for about 3 minutes and then comes in just to listen as I talk myself down. It sounds very simple to explain, but my breakthrough came when my therapist asked me to write down the way I normally feel about myself on one side of a chart (nice, good feelings - smart, happy, lucky, pretty) and then how I felt about myself when I had the breakdowns (worthless, embarrassed of myself, ugly, hideous, not worthy of the love people give me). Then she asked which side I really am. I had to say neither - that I''m neither happy, smart, pretty all the time, and I''m not worthless, either. What I am is real - a mix of the good and the not so good. I don''t know if this exercise would be helpful for you, but it was absolutely earthshattering to me.

I know the idea of going to a colleague is disturbing - I was having those issues while I was in grad school because I was given the option of group therapy, where I could have been placed in a group with my own students/their friends.

Through the university, I was given 6 mos with an individual counselor for free (they typically only do that if you''re a very serious case, which I wasn''t considered, but a university doctor referred me after having to wean me off of Effexor (sp?) - it was a complete mess). Then after 6 months, by working with my university therapist, I found that there were clinics outside of the university that did therapy on a sliding scale. I paid $22 a session because that''s what they figured I could afford. Granted, that added up to almost $100 a month on therapy, but even with a tight budget, I could figure out how to squeeze $100 for something this important. I would have drunk powdered milk if it meant I could have therapy, honestly.

The other thing is this - my therapist at first was a fellow grad student. For my first session, I felt a little humiliated, but got over it within 10 minutes. Having a therapist my age who understood the pressures I was under was AMAZING. First of all, EVERYTHING is confidential. Though her supervisor heard tapes (and her supervisor could well have been one of my former profs, I did psych as undergrad at the same U), my info was protected. Those tapes are also for the study of what SHE was doing - no one would be analyzing ME. Also, no doctoral student is going to break confidentiality and perhaps ruin their career for the sake of some gossip - nor is anyone who does therapy going to think less of a person for being depressed. If you''re working with the right therapist, the relationship is extremely normal and 100% professional. It should not be any more strange to run into your therapist in a social setting as it would with your dentist. Also, you can likely request someone with whom your partner does not have a close working relationship with.

I know you say that getting therapy is not an option, but is it an option to be putting this kind of strain on your relationship and to be putting yourself through this kind of hell? I know it''s good to find comfort in others, but what I''ve found in my own journey was this is something that I needed to learn how to control from within - and no matter how much love and support I had from family and friends, they weren''t equipped enough to understand how to help me learn what I needed to discover.

 

[cellososweet]

*breathe*

ok. So i, unfortunately, have light years experience with this particular topic and I''m going to give you a big hug because honestly, the emotional torment that it puts you in is the most tortuous kind. i really feel for you (((((hug))))))

eating disorders and body dysmorphic issues rarely have much to do with your body and more to do with control/emotional issues. they are seen as disorders of vanity. Vain women who just want to starve to fit into the next thing or to look cute this summer. Those are starvation DIETS, not eating disorders. an eating disorder is a complex world and i''ll tell you my story in hopes that you realize that a.) you aren''t alone, b.) you''re not insane and c.) just because it''s not a classic case, you still need help because you are suffering and thats the main point.

it comes from a journal entry and it''s long, so bear with me. it''s edited to take out mentions of illegal substances and that sort of thing because i don''t want to break any rules.

start: I''ve struggled with my weight my whole life, it seems. I was always the pudgy girl in ballet, the last to get picked for dodgeball, etc. When I started dancing seriously, I lost weight. I had an instructor who told us to watch our weight. This resulted in a room full of exercise bulimics and bulimirexics. It was terrible. We were under a lot of pressure. I lost a significant amount of weight but was still healthy. When my grandmother died on cancer, I went downhill. I was 12. My body was changing and I was upset over her death. My mother became despondent and we weren''t best friends anymore. I couldn''t turn to her when I needed her. She shut me out. I didn''t feel good enough. So, it was really difficult for me. I used starving myself and over-exercising as something i could control. When my brother got in a lot of trouble that year, i delved further. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be beautiful. I began to self-medicate with alcohol, (edited) at 13. I also dabbled in self injury. When I was 14, we moved across the country to California. I took the move really hard. I tried to stand out my freshman year with my curly hair and strange fashion. I certainly stood out but not in a good way. I made a few friends that year, but still felt unadjusted. I tried out for cheer that year and didn''t make it. I had a feeling my looks had something to do with it and all of a sudden i felt pressured again. With honors classes and pressure not to be my brother, I started starving again. My brother went to a community college and had to go back to Virginia for a little for a trial. I knew my parents loved him but I saw the stress they caused him and I wanted to be the opposite. Except I took it way too far. My type A personality went on over drive. My sophmore year of high school I was principle cellist in three orchestras, a straight-A honors student, a CIF track scholar, member of key club, M.U.N, and ASU. I also lost 30 pounds. When I felt pressured, I would exercise with extreme weights (150 lb bench on a girl that was all of 130 pounds). I would also self injure. Cutting became my way to release what "good girls" weren''t supposed to feel. So, I went to school, aced my tests, ran and high jumped at track, played principle in orchestra, came home, worked out more, did my homework and didn''t talk to my parents for about 2 years. My weight began to plummet more. I threw up 6 times a day. Whatever I ate, I''d throw it up. 2 pretzels for lunch, puke it. A bite of a granola bar? puke it. It became a cycle. My best friend at the time would tell me I was beautiful and would tell me stop, but I was already too far gone. I was in my own world. At 5''7" and 103 pounds (healthy weight is around 145 for my frame), I thought that if I just got below 100 everything would be better. I would be perfect.

I made cheer my junior year. We were fitted the week after we made it (May of my sophmore year). By the time my skirt came in around August, it was huge and had to be traded for my friends old skirts. I felt on top of the world. I got together with a boy my senior year and we terrible for eachother. We would feed off of eachother''s anger and unhappiness. He raped me in a violent rage in the middle of my senior year and this drove what was an eating disorder into a living nightmare. That same year I had a friend try to take advantage of me sexually. I felt filthy, I felt used, I felt like I deserved it. I ended senior year with graduation and a trip to a mental health facility. I woke up with 6 straight lines cut into my right arm. All 1/8" wide and cut all the way down to the bone. I had OD''d on my anti-deppressants and mood stabilizers and had taken a steak knife to my arm outside in the back yard in my underwear. I still have the scars.

Why? Why did I do it? Was it vanity? No it wasn''t. It was a twisted way of thinking that if I altered the way that I looked, maybe then I could alter other things like the way people perceived me. I wanted to fit in a perfect little box and be everything that my brother wasn''t. I wanted the control. Because death could take my grandmother and rape could take my dignity, but nobody could take away the control that I had over my body. Nobody.

I was punishing myself. For not being able to understand my mother when my grandmother died. For every B instead of an A. For the rape. For the sexual assualt. For being so stupid that I couldn''t even kill myself correctly. I was punishing myself for being human and it needed to stop.

~~That''s where I''ll cut it off. But you get the picture. Why are you doing this to yourself? For what reason? It''s not because you''re fat. It''s not because you are ugly (and i''m sure there are even days, as you said where you think you are quite good looking). It''s because there is an underlying need for control. You don''t have to answer publicly, but maybe it''s a question to ponder privately? Why do you feel the need to control yourself in this manner? What has been taken away from you? It''s not you. It came from somewhere.

Best wishes, tons of hugs and love.

~cellososweet.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Wow cello - I can''t even imagine what you''ve been through. How amazing that you''ve come out the other side. I have tremendous respect and admiration for that.

Galateia - I (and everyone else here) aren''t really qualified to judge the seriousness of your problem or what might help, but perhaps sharing a bit of my battle with a similar problem may help. My heart goes out to you dealing with this - I am sure it is very difficult for you, and it is not your fault, nor is there something "wrong" with you for feeling this way.

For me, my issues were ongoing for a long long time (I was a ballet dancer in high school, and I deifinitely had a lot of the same perfectionist/controlling/self-destructive tendencies as cello), and they continue to this day, but they have improved dramatically.

I did several things to help that happen - again, I don''t know if these would be helpful for you, or even appropriate, but hopefully sharing them will help in some way, even if not directly.

The first thing I did was to eliminate some toxic people from my life. These were people who made me feel bad about myself and reinforced my feelings that my weight and appearance were of paramount importance (more important than other accomplishments that I by right should have been much more proud of). Creating emotional and physical distance from these people helped a lot all by itself.

The second thing was that I really took control of my exercise and diet. I started keeping track of what I ate, but with the understanding and promise to myself that I would not judge what I ate, I would simply use food tracking as a tool to eat healthy but not overeat. In addition, exercise, particularly aerobic exercise, helped a lot. I also made a deal with myself that I would try it, and I wanted to lose weight but I promised myself that if I didn''t, despite doing all the right things, I wouldn''t beat myself up. Sure enough, as soon as I made it a more relaxed experience, I lost 50 lbs (and I''ve kept it off). I still have had days, but I feel miles better.

The third thing, and I think its inextricably linked to the other two, is that I got out of myself. And by that I mean, I found something to do that was good for my community, and took me out of focusing on myself. In my case, since I love animals so much, volunteering training dogs at my local animal shelter was perfect for this. I also signed up for classes and made a resolution to try out new activities and to accept more invitations to go out. Maybe there is some volunteer opportunity you could take advantage of nearby? There''s almost always a clinic, or counseling center, or abused women''s shelter, or animal shelter, or hospital, or whatever, that could use the help.

The result of all of these things is that 1.5 years later I feel like a different human being. The weight loss helped, but really, it had a lot more to do with all of the other mental changes I made during this time. I really worked on feeling more confident about myself and reminding myself why I''m a worthwhile human being.

Anyway, I don''t know if that''s helpful at all, but I hope it is at least a little bit, and I hope that the support you get here will help you to find your own path towards wellness.

 

[Gemma12]

Wow Galateia I''m so sorry you are struggling with this.

I think your thyroid problems need to be sorted out along with some psychological support. A good diet and regular exercise as you highlight in your post are helpful in controlling weight but there are a lot of other symptoms of an underactive thyroid-including depression and anxiety. The up-and-down nature of your view of your body must be incredibly difficult to deal with, both for you-and for your partner.

You say that having a friend or colleague of your partner as a therapist is ''not an option''. I would respectfully suggest not getting help should be considered ''not an option'' either. There is confidentiality in that arrangement. I can totally understand why that makes you uncomfortable (to see a colleague/friend) but this situation doesn''t sound like something you can just wait out. There is a lot of negative self talk in your post ''lazy cow'' ''weak willed pig'' ''disgusted with myself'' that therapy is designed to deal with. I agree with the support group idea but would still encourage you to seek one on one counselling.

My heart goes out to you-I really hope you can find some $ to look after yourself and you can get some answers.

 

[FrekeChild]

Gala, I hear you. Today I''m far pudgier than I''ve ever been and it affects me in a lot of ways. A lot of it sounds like a milder case of what you''ve got going on. I have hypothyroidism, and while it was such a relief to hear at the time-there was a REASON for me to not be able to lose weight, now it becomes an excuse.

I''ll admit it: I''m obsessed with food.

I know how to make it from scratch(literally, just about everything) and I know how it affects me and my body nutritionally, but every single day food haunts me. I was anorexic when I was younger. My mother has always made me feel like a cow, and now while she''s wasting away from cancer and not being able to force foods down, I can''t eat enough. I learned a lot of my eating habits from my dad-and he, too, has gained weight while watching her suffer. I''ve tried diets, exercise, self-help books, meditation, etc. But every time I start to think about what I''m eating, I start considering starving myself again, and I''d rather eat everything in my house than starve myself. But that''s because somehow the logical part of my brain took over that trigger. On the food front, every day is an uphill battle for me.

Please, try to get some therapy-in any way you can. It''s important. It''s your well-being we''re talking about here. Anything that affects your day to day life is something that needs to change.

I should be in therapy as well, but I''m not ready to face my demons-there are too many of them and I''d rather they stay put for a while.

 

[miraclesrule]

Galateia: In this world it is easy to become a victim to the toxic expectations of our society. Please know that you not your thoughts. You can as easily "cancel that thought" as you create those negative ones. I have to cancel thoughts all day long because I too have struggled with perfectionism and BDD.

Although there may be a contributing physical cause, as cello so aptly described ... exploring the root cause of your projection of such negative feelings onto yourself is crucial to healing your psyche. When you are able to make steps in that direction, you wil improve your relationship to yourself and your SO.

I use this phrase to help me, maybe it will help you.

"Our bodies are merely blank canvases onto which we project our thoughts. Our real identity lies not in our body, but in our spirit"

The advice you have been given is priceless and I hope that you can find what you need to love your body.

cello: You have such courage, you never cease to amaze me with your honesty and vulnerability.

 

[cellososweet]

thanks guys. being honest, for me, is the only way to be. if i can break down the barrier that we have all created in our minds of what''s "normal" or "right," then why not?

Galateia, I agree with everyone else when I say that some sort of therapy is really important. I know you say you have no "fun" money. But this isn''t fun. This is a necessity. Anything from a therapist, to a student counselor, to a support group. You need to know that you aren''t alone and that there is a root cause to how you feel.

As I said before, I feel for you. It''s a living nightmare and it can become all-consuming. We''re all here for you and we can chat as much as you need, but this is an issue in which you need to turn inwards (with some professional help) in order to free yourself from the chains that have been created. You are worth it. I know that''s hard to believe when you feel this way. But you are a beautiful, wonderful person who deserves health.

Be good to yourself.

((hug))

 

[cellososweet]

Date: 7/3/2008 1:13:32 AM
Author: miraclesrule
Galateia: In this world it is easy to become a victim to the toxic expectations of our society. Please know that you not your thoughts. You can as easily ''cancel that thought'' as you create those negative ones. I have to cancel thoughts all day long because I too have struggled with perfectionism and BDD.

Although there may be a contributing physical cause, as cello so aptly described ... exploring the root cause of your projection of such negative feelings onto yourself is crucial to healing your psyche. When you are able to make steps in that direction, you wil improve your relationship to yourself and your SO.

I use this phrase to help me, maybe it will help you.

''Our bodies are merely blank canvases onto which we project our thoughts. Our real identity lies not in our body, but in our spirit''

The advice you have been given is priceless and I hope that you can find what you need to love your body.

cello: You have such courage, you never cease to amaze me with your honesty and vulnerability.

WONDERFUL! I think I might steal this

 

[galeteia]

I am still processing what everyone has said, and will respond to individual posters later. Some general thoughts today:

My guy and I have been talking on and off about this since yesterday, although his area of specialty isn''t BDD and Eating Disorders (he''s a PhD grad in Clinical Psychology, specializing in Anxiety and Depression). We are at a loss because we agree that just exercise and healthy eating isn''t enough, because the crux of an eating disorder/BDD is that no matter how thin you get, it''s never thin enough to make you feel attractive. My thinness will not impact my facial features, the way my body is shaped, my skin, or the texture of my hair. There comes a point when you realize that when there is not a single physical feature you don''t find unattractive that you have to accept that all the gym classes in the world won''t fix your issues. The therapy component is necessary.

And out of our reach. We have already tapped out our familial resources to make the immigration possible, and there comes a level of poverty where there is no wiggle room to wiggle. There are not enough hours in the day for my SO to take a second job, and I''m not permitted to work. If I''m caught working without authorization, I will be deported and banned from the country.

I brought up seeing someone at school, and apparently I''ve already met and socialized with everyone I could have seen. They are not allowed to see me as it is considered a ''conflict of interest''. We can''t afford regular sessions with professionals. Like I said, we''re at a loss.

Deco, I checked for local support groups as that was a great idea, but unfortunately the closest option would be addiction or overeaters, neither of which is a good fit, I think.

I dearly wish that I could get thyroid medication, but when you''re in that 30% of cases in the sub-clinical range, if that bloodwork says you don''t have a problem, no meds. When I was in my early 20''s, it popped up and I finally had an explanation as to why I was starving myself and yet maintained a reasonable body weight. My body was trying to be 250lbs, and my single chicken breast a day was all that was keeping me from inflating like a balloon. I didn''t go on meds at the time (long story, we were postponing it) and then when I got re-tested, nada. Out in the cold.

I have tried focusing on positive aspects of myself; my intelligence, my resourcefulness, my wit, my talents, etc. It backfires; I then dissolve in tears as I do not want to be the ''smart but ugly'' girl, and reviewing my non-physical assets only deepens my gloom about my physical shortcomings. I am exasperated with myself.

I deeply appreciate the stories of those who have dealt with similar issues, it''s not easy to admit to a part of you that is broken and needed fixing. There is a certain shame that comes with having such a problem, as surely a smart, capable, modern woman should have the strength of character to overcome something she knows is not logical.

It''s frightening to be an otherwise extremely strong woman and yet feel powerless against something that''s ''just in your head''.

I will continue to ruminate on the stories and advice in this thread, and post again later. But a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has responded - this isn''t a plea for attention on the internet or seeking validation; I am ''alone in a strange land'' and without the network of support and friendships I normally rely on. My friends were intelligent, capable women and I miss their advice and perspectives; I am grateful that this community exists.

 

[FrekeChild]

Awww Gala, I wish Lubbock were closer to ABQ, we could go shoe shopping and you wouldn''t be as alone...When can you start to work?

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/3/2008 4:01:52 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Awww Gala, I wish Lubbock were closer to ABQ, we could go shoe shopping and you wouldn''t be as alone...When can you start to work?

Somewhere in the range of 4-5 months.

Me too ... a good friend of my SO now lives in ABQ, so perhaps one day we''ll head over there for a visit and you and I can prowl the streets for fabulous shoes.

To be fair, I''m not entirely alone, as I have made new friends here and I have my SO, but BDD isn''t the sort of thing you casually bring up with new people you don''t know well, y''know?

 

[TravelingGal]

Galateia, I don''t have any words advice for you, but wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this without friends there. Hugs to you.

 

[FrekeChild]

So true. It''s certainly a sensitive topic.

I do hope that you make the trip!!I have the feeling that we''d both be lacking in funds after an adventure like that though!

 

[allycat0303]

Galateia: I thought this was a very intresting post actually. I am currently in pyschiatry and realized that I fit all of the DSM characteristics for bulimia. I told my sister and she laughed, because she couldn`t believe that it took me THAT long to figure it out. But although it is something that I struggle with, I am going to say it doesn`t really affect my life that mcuh. I function pretty well except that a 5-10 pound weight gain will cause me to stop acception social invitations (I am in one of those states now.)

I don`t think you should beat yourself over this. The whole nature of it is to understand that it is extremely illogical. I KNOW my issue is illogical, but it doesn`t change what you think or see in the mirror. I don`t have any quick fixes for you. My sister strangely enough, was also bulimic but managed to overcome it 3 years ago (without therapy) yet I have not been able to. I am 28 years old and still dealing with it.

I can tell you how she did it (but it''s obviously not a miracle solution because I haven''t been able to). 1) she threw the scale out 2) She forced herself to eat even when she wanted to starve and limited workouts to 1 a day (the was the overexercise bulimic) 3) she stops eating at 6:00 pm 4) she forced herself to get dressed and go out, even when mentally calling herself a disgusting whale. A sort of desensitisation, everyday, no matter how she felt.

3 years later, she has no weight issues to speak of. Eats heathy, knows when to indulge and when the cut back. And is tiny, tiny. If only we could all get there.

Hang in there.

 

[2Artists]

I have not read it myself but I heard that "The Broken Mirror: Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder"is a really great book on the subject. I am so sorry that you are hurting. Hugs.

Mrs.2Artists

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/2/2008 3:39:29 PM
Author: decodelighted
Have you checked your local paper for weekly meetings of different support groups? Often there is a calendar listing all kinds of ''issues'' and associated free support groups. Or maybe try BDD national groups & search for local resources?


Maybe some body-positive, sexy classes could help too ... ie. Belly Dancing, Yoga ... that kind of stuff. Does his Uni have a gym that offers subsidized classes? Or a Y nearby?


I know $$ is tight but sometimes you need to spend some on YOURSELF. Even if you have to get an under-the-table part time job to subidize it (babysitting, dog walking, lawn care) ... OR ... I have one more idea for you. You''re a costume designer right? What about sewing some crafts & selling them on Etsy. Like cloth bags or funky tops or easy projects. Then you''d have something to keep your mind off the issue briefly & extra cash to spend on co-payments for therapy or class fees or whatever else might help.


Just a couple thoughts! Sorry you''re frustrated & hurting. The change of moving down there might have triggered something (added to your stress etc). HUGS!

Ironically, I tried to take belly dancing classes when I was in the grip of my starvation stage, and I went to a few classes before the teacher more or less said "Honey, until you get some body fat, there''s little point". A couple of years ago, I tried to pick it back up but it was at my university''s gym so it was more ''fitness and fun'' focused, and I hungered for actual technique. I didn''t enjoy myself at all and never went back for another term. I love dancing and would love to go out dancing, but my guy hates dance clubs and I don''t have anyone to go with. I''m hoping that will change as I meet people.

I''m very interested in yoga or pilates, but again anything involving classes costs money.

You''re absolutely right that the stress of moving down here has worsened things. Thanks for your ideas and support.

 

[princesss]

Oh, honey.

Like a few of the women here, I''ve struggled with some of these issues for a good chunk of my life.

The best thing I can suggest is finding a local religious organization. Not for the religion, but because often they have trained therapists on sliding scale. When I hit a really low point a few years ago, by going to a place called "Catholic Charity" (yeah, "charity" was a little hard to swallow) I found a therapist that would see me for $5 an hour. Seriously. Heck, tell me what city you''re in and I''ll find something. (And, in case you''re worried about it, nothing beyond the name was focused on religion.)

I was able to pull myself out because I was lucky and because it never got fully into an extended period of starvation (though there were times when I would purposefully point myself that way again). But honey, find somebody to talk to. It''s the single most important thing you can do.

*hugs*

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Gala ...
Random thought but my brother just moved down to TX & his g-friend is following soon. She is *very* into dancing & stuff & will probably be seeking things like that out. What part of TX are you in again? They are in San Antonio.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/2/2008 4:33:34 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Deco has some great ideas. Are you doing regular exercise? I wanted to add weight training or possibly martial arts as ideas. Both would give you something new and positive to think about with respect to your body, not size, but strength. The feeling of being strong and physically powerful can be tremendously empowering.


Aerobic exercise, as you may know, can help with all kinds of depression as well. It has the same rate of alleviation of symptoms (and a lower rate of relapse) than anti-depressants.


Good luck! I hope you''re able to find some support and a way out of your suffering.

I have gone this route before, and gone as far as spending 4 hours a day in a gym in an effort to get the body I wanted. It was one of the most crushing things I have ever realized; no matter how much I count calories or work out, my body does not want to lose weight. I do exercise regularly, but find it difficult to switch to "I''m proud that I''ve accomplished X", instead of feeling overwhelming despair that I''d have to spend all day exercising with a personal trainer to get anywhere close to where I feel I should be.

Overall, I find the focus of ''strength not size'' is the healthiest outlook to have, and it''s worked for me during my ''normal'' periods. I found that if I focused on physical goals like "jog the 6 blocks to the bus stop at night without breathing hard" I was able to push away my fixation more often.

But I urge anyone having weight issues to focus on physical strength over the scale, because it''s a much healthier outlook to have.

 

[galeteia]

Princess and Deco, I''m in Lubbock, TX.

Princess, did you find there was a strong emphasis on religion during the counseling?

 

[princesss]

For me, there was none at all. Really. There might have been a question about my religious background on the questionnaire, but during the sessions there was nothing. I''ll see if I can find something around you.

 

[princesss]

Okay, just a quick glance around the net got me this list. I would call around and try to find one that does sliding scale. I would also inquire with the religious centers to see how much of an emphasis they put on religion in their therapy. I''ve had better luck with Catholic counseling services personally, but it all depends on the area.

 

[angel_nieves]

Ahh sweetie I am so sorry for what you are going though. My sister had major problems with bulimia. She was a beautiful woman but could never see it. Due to the fact that everyone thought if she would just eat, she would be fine, my parents never sought help. Also to my disgust my mom always lived by the mantra “you can never be too skinny or too rich”. I wish more people could see eating disorders as a true illness not a fad diet. She died of complications from her eating disorder when I was 16. She is sorely missed.

I have to admit I wasn’t there for her as much as I should have been. I have some heath problems that caused me to be too darn skinny and she always accidentally made me guilty for it. I wish I could have helped her more.

I now work with my church in a youth outreach program where we have a 17 old girl that only weighs 78 pounds. It breaks my heart to see all the things she has done to reach that number that she thinks will make everything “better”.

I hope that you find help with everything, and I am praying so hard for you!!!!!

 

[risingsun]

Galateia~I''m a counselor and I see clients with eating disorders and distorted body images, as well as other mental health problems. I understand that you cannot afford treatment, but you cannot risk the consequences of not being in treatment, either. The university counseling center should be able to help you find other treatment options in your community, that have a sliding fee scale. There are mental health services directories, referral services through local hospitals, even looking through the yellow pages. There are also Community Services Boards that offer counseling. If I can''t help someone in my practice, I can locate a referral source for them. I''m sorry to read how much you are struggling. It''s so important that you find someone to help you work through these very difficult issues. I work in a hospital based practice. We set are able to set up payment plans and/or charity care for those in need. Please don''t be put off by the word charity. It''s a way we try to give back to the community.

 

[ladypirate]

I don''t have any advice to offer, but I wanted to send some *hugs* your way. I''m so so sorry that you are going through this.

 

[ladypirate]

So I''ve been thinking a lot about this thread since last night--it really struck a nerve I guess. It is so heartbreaking that so many women have issues with their bodies/the way they look. I don''t know any woman IRL who doesn''t have issues, actually. It''s almost as if it has become so common that it ceases to be clinical and is looked at as the norm, which is really messed up.

There''s a thread about women''s clothing sizes on the shopping board that got me thinking about it further. I certainly don''t have BDD or anything, but I can''t go clothes shopping without having a panic attack about the way I look. Is it just so ingrained in us as women that we should hate any imperfection with our bodies? It''s as though subconsciously we think that we should never have gone through puberty and developed these d*** curves.

Galateia, thank you for being so brave and posting about this. I think far too many women fall into a similar category of body issues that aren''t "serious" enough to be taken seriously, and that''s horrible. *hugs* again and I hope you''re doing ok.