At what point do you give up on a friendship?

[fieryred33143]

FI's mom has 4 sisters. She is always in some sort of argument with at least one. She fought with her sister over 6 years ago and still has not spoken to her.

I understand that these things happen between siblings. What I don't understand is how FI's cousins react to it and how the aunts treat the other children. We have not heard from his aunt and her children since the whole argument went down. FI has no interest in reaching out to them.

Well, now his mom is not speaking with another one of her sisters. I invited her to S's birthday party to which she declined. I figured that would happen. But then his cousins also declined I don't understand it. We have never said anything bad to them and this argument has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Anyway, one of the cousins, L, is pregnant. We found out a few months ago. We have tried to reach out to her several times but we either get ignored or get very short responses like "Fine." "Thanks." "Ok." Her baby shower is next month and we were not invited

It makes me feel bad since I love family but unfortunately don't have any that live near me. His family is all I have in this area and they let these ridiculous, petty arguments come between them I even asked his mom if she knew anything of L and her response was "don't know, don't care." The argument has nothing to do with L!!! How can they treat their neices/nephews this way? And why are the cousins getting involved?! Ugh.

The worst part is that S doesn't really have any younger babies around and I was really looking forward to having the children grow up together.

Would you keep trying to reach out or would you just give up at this point?

 

[dragonfly411]

Fiery - FI's family sounds immature and selfish and petty. I think it's a crying shame that they are letting an argument between sisters reach down to the sisters' children as well. To be completely honest with you I'd stop trying to reach out. If they are going to be that ugly then do you really want to have those negative entities in your life? Do you want them affecting your family? Do you want them affecting your children? I think not.

On another hand, I'd mention to FI that his mother really should be the bigger person and step up and apologize. Do the other sisters not talk to one another? It sounds like his mother is the common factor here...

 

[fieryred33143]

Fiery - FI's family sounds immature and selfish and petty. I think it's a crying shame that they are letting an argument between sisters reach down to the sisters' children as well. To be completely honest with you I'd stop trying to reach out. If they are going to be that ugly then do you really want to have those negative entities in your life? Do you want them affecting your family? Do you want them affecting your children? I think not.

On another hand, I'd mention to FI that his mother really should be the bigger person and step up and apologize. Do the other sisters not talk to one another? It sounds like his mother is the common factor here...

Thank you. I have brought this to his attention so many times.

Whenever they are all arguing, his mother is always the problem (or part of the problem). The other 4 hardly ever argue with each other and if they do, they get over it quickly. But his mom has them all on some sort of weird rotation. In the almost 9 years we have been together, there has not been a single year where she got along with all of them. Don't get me wrong, the sisters are pretty ridiculous too because they take sides.

It's so dumb. The reasons why they are upset is so childish. She refuses to be the bigger person. I had even mentioned wanting to box up one of S's big toys (her jumperoo) to save it for L in case she wants one. His mother had a fit that I shouldn't save it for her or even offer it to her.

 

[packrat]

Yikes. Personally, I would let it lie on their door step and walk away. It's not worth it, family or not, to walk on eggshells all the time. You'd need to start an Excel sheet or something-this day this one is mad at this one so I can't talk to her, but then she's also mad at this other one so I can't do that either. Not good for your daughter either-kids pick up on stress and undercurrents like crazy, so she's going to sense things, and she doesn't need their craziness in her little girl world. I have family that I have no contact with, and that's fine by me. It took me a while to realize it's not *my* problem, it's *theirs* so they can continue w/their petty arguments and ridiculous behavior. I've got friends (and a couple relatives) w/kids that my kids will grow up playing with.

That's just how I work tho. Family is important yes, and no family is perfect, but I don't have the patience for adults who act like children.

 

[Sabine]

For the sake of preserving family relations and finding a playmate for S, I would give it one more shot by really laying it all out there. I'd contact the cousin (or any that you're interested in staying close with), say that you understand that the sisters are fighting, but that the fight has nothing to do with you all, you really have no interest in choosing sides in the fight and wish your FI's mom could just get over it, but you can't control her behavior so in the meantime it's really hurting your feelings that you're being excluded. Let them know that you'd like to continue the friendship regardless of what terms the sisters are on, and you hoped they felt the same way.

If they aren't receptive to that, then yeah, it's time to give up. Or if they say they feel the same way, but continue to leave you out, then give up, but maybe it would help?

 

[doodle]

I was thinking the same thing as Sabine. You can't control the actions of the ringleader in all this hooey, but maybe your voicing a strong resistance to getting caught up in the middle of it would carry some weight with the others and finally end all the madness between everyone else. I wouldn't be surprised if your FMIL chilled out some, too, if everyone else wasn't fighting--something tells me she thrives on the drama and power of being able to get everyone to choose sides, so maybe less reaction would equal less problem. Or at least here's to hoping! On the other hand, if they're completely unreceptive to you reaching out to play nice, not the kind of friends you want or need in the first place. Cut your losses and hang out with someone less focused on drama drama drama! Good luck, fiery!

 

[swingirl]

At what point do you give up on a friendship?

The topic you picked throws me. It doesn't sound like any of you FI's family was ever your friend. The sister's have been feuding for 6 years and it has now moved on the their children. Out of loyalty to their mommies the cousins are keeping it up. I think the adult cousins are goners, since they seem to be willing to continue the behavior as shown by you not being invited to a baby shower.

I would look for friends and playmates elsewhere. Some families take their feuds to the grave. Could you FI's family be one of these?

 

[Indylady]

At what point do you give up on a friendship?

The topic you picked throws me. It doesn't sound like any of you FI's family was ever your friend. The sister's have been feuding for 6 years and it has now moved on the their children. Out of loyalty to their mommies the cousins are keeping it up. I think the adult cousins are goners, since they seem to be willing to continue the behavior as shown by you not being invited to a baby shower.

I would look for friends and playmates elsewhere. Some families take their feuds to the grave. Could you FI's family be one of these?

+1.

 

[Kaleigh]

You've been given some great advice. My take?? JUst cause it's family doesn't mean it's good for you or your kids... In a perfect world, yes how nice to have cousins to play with, family to see. BUT if it's toxic and no one likes each other, how would that work for you???

Time to look outsdie the family and make bonds with close friends. I know many that do this, and have a wonderful time. Especially now, people don't live near their families.. They make their own family units where they live.. Yanno??

I am sorry you are going through this. It's never easy... Best of luck going forward.. You are a wise one, and I really enjoy reading your posts!!!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Family like this pisses me off to no end! I have to much respect for myself to let anyone treat me as pettily as that! This is just me, I realize it's not for everyone. I simply do not have relationships with people who are this petty, family or otherwise. My DH's mother tried pulling this kind of crap with DH and me regarding his sister and we made it very clear to her that she would not dictate who we stayed in touch with. If she was going to be rude to us she would not see us. She knew we meant it and backed down. I simply refuse to get involved in other people's drama.

Family issues can be the most difficult, I wish you the best of luck!

 

[junebug17]

I'd probably just let it go. I think the best you could do is establish an uneasy truce with these cousins, and I'm not sure you could manage even that right now. They've sent a pretty clear message that they're going to remain "loyal" to their mothers. the starting point in all this is fmil and her sisters, and until they settle their differences I think the kids will continue to take sides. I don't know, I guess you could make one last effort to get through to these cousins if you want, but honestly they've already made their feelings clear and you may very well just be hurt even more. and I agree that the family dynamics sound pretty toxic right now...do you want to put yourself in the middle of all this drama?

I'm sorry about all of this fiery. It's such a shame when people get caught up in all this pettiness and bickering over nothing. Maybe in time things will settle down between fmil and her sisters.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I just wanted to say I am very sorry you are having to go through this with your families. I will defer to Sabine here though, it is sound advice.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

You've been given some great advice. My take?? JUst cause it's family doesn't mean it's good for you or your kids... In a perfect world, yes how nice to have cousins to play with, family to see. BUT if it's toxic and no one likes each other, how would that work for you???

Time to look outsdie the family and make bonds with close friends. I know many that do this, and have a wonderful time. Especially now, people don't live near their families.. They make their own family units where they live.. Yanno??

I am sorry you are going through this. It's never easy... Best of luck going forward.. You are a wise one, and I really enjoy reading your posts!!!

Ditto. Fiery, it sounds EXACTLY like my grandma and HER sisters. They're always fighting. It drives my mom crazy because whenever they fight, my grandma vents for hours to my mom (her daughter in law) and my mom could care less.

I would take a step away. Honestly, if the cousins and the aunts as well as the MIL are all acting this way, I wouldn't really want to expose my child to that kind of feuding atmosphere - at least not while they're young. I say you made more than a good faith effort, and now, it's time to just let go.