Are you the "we want no-baby couple" and why?

[zhuzhu]

I often find it difficult for friends and family to understand why we do not want children. It is getting pretty annoying to have people ask "but why", as if we are mutants for not wanting kids.

What are your reasons for not wanting kids and how do you convince others to leave you alone?

 

[*Danielle*]

Me and my boyfriend have discussed having children and both share the same feelings. NO!

I personally had a rough childhood and I really want to have fun in my adult years. He is the same way. We both do not want the burden of caring for children for that long.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hi Zhuzhu,

There are a few recent threads on this, if you want to look them up. I''m not saying that to be snarky at all...just thought the other responses may be of interest to you. I''m sure you will get good ones on this thread as well.

I''m a mom, but I''ve been where you''ve been and it''s annoying. People even ask me now, "do you want another" and when I say "I don''t think so" of course they ask "but why?"

I think the same answer can be applied to both our situations. We are HAPPY the way we are, thank you! (I also add that I am very high risk and don''t want to die of toxemia the next go around and leave my husband and child wifeless and motherless. That usually shuts them up right away.

)

No children, one child, two children, or 17 children, there are those who are always ready to question and judge your choices. You can''t prevent the questions, but I just answer simply and change the subject or walk away.

 

[deegee]

My husband and I don''t have children. We both turned 40 this year, and we still get asked when we''re going to start a family. I kept hoping that when I turned 40 people would leave me alone on the subject, but people always think I''m 30 so they still bug me. I got asked just yesterday at work.

I taught 6th grade for 5 years in a rough school system, and that pretty much turned me off of kids for a good while. After my husband and I relocated to another state, I went into a profession that has nothing to do with kids. I thought we''d start talking about it in our 30''s (and I was hoping that by then I could stand kids again), but I was in a bad car accident at age 30 and have lasting physical problems. After years of physical therapy, it was just understood that there would be no kids. I''m broken. I don''t feel comfortable sharing that reason with the nosy people who keep pestering me, though! They ask too many questions that I don''t care to talk about. Don''t know why they think that''s okay. I usually tell people that we just didn''t want kids, but then they automatically think I don''t like kids and start trying to persuade me that kids are great and I need to have some. Grrr. We have been married for 14 years and we''re so set in our ways and so used to doing whatever we want, a kid would totally throw us off.

Anyway, I now have 9 nieces and nephews and I abolutely adore them. I visit almost every weekend and I have a kid or two (no more than 4 at a time) that come to stay with me for a weekend at least once a month. We have a blast, we do all kinds of fun things, and I''m happy to return them to their parents at the end of the weekend. I also enjoy when the neighbor kids come over and hang out at my house. They love to come over because my hubby has all the "cool" electronics/games. Apparently we have the "coolest house on the block." And after a few hours, I am happy to send them home. I''m glad that I can stand kids again, but only in small doses.

They wear me out!

 

[luvmyhalo]

Oh gosh, I feel your pain! We do have a daughter and we hear, "When are you having #2? She needs a brother or sister. She's going to grow up spoiled." Drives me insane!

Before we had her, I can't tell you the number of times we were asked "When are you having kids? They're so great. You need to get pregnant now before you get too old!" I felt these questions were invasive, too personal and none of anyone's business!

I love my daughter and I love our life. But I can also picture us without kids and also being happy and fully satisfied in our lives.

Bottom line is it is a very personal choice specific to each couple. I always tell people who ask why we're not having any more kids, "we're really content with our lives right now and don't feel a need to change anything anytime soon." I usually don't get any more questions after that.

 

[Cind11]

We didn''t have our first child until I was 33. I wasn''t even sure if I wanted to have kids. I got so tired of people asking me when I was going to start a family that I wanted to scream at times! To me, it''s a very private matter and none of anyone''s business when or IF one chooses to have children. I usually just laughed and lamely said "Oh, I don''t know, one of these days". I wanted to pretend to start crying and say "My husband and I can''t have kids". I never actually did that, but I was sure that it would have shut them up! If I would have been more of a confident person at the age when people were asking me, I think I would just have said "I''m sorry but it''s really none of your business". Sorry I don''t have a better answer then that.

 

[zhuzhu]

We are really happy to be cat-people with no baby-responsibilities. We also do not believe that contributing to the over-populated earth is necessarily a responsibility of a married couple. However both our mothers hope to be a grandma to our "future children". It is really hard to disappoint them!

 

[FrekeChild]

Hmmm...I''d probably say, "I don''t know my medical history, and FF has a family history of heart defects, heart disease, cancer and diabetes. Among other reasons."

It''s likely that I won''t get asked again after that.

 

[bee*]

I can''t say that I won''t always want a child, but at the moment D and I are totally happy as we are and wouldn''t be upset if we didn''t have one. We have a nice life, obviously I''m in college at the moment too so it''s bad timing for me, we love travelling and try to get abroad at least four times a year etc. I do agree that there will always be someone questioning every next move, so I just choose to ignore them.

 

[MishB]

This is my husband and I, I''ve always known I didn''t want children, but I think my husband assumed he''d one day be a father, and he would make a wonderful dad. It caused me a lot of anxiety before we got married, but he is adamant that he would rather have me and no children than a family with anyone else.

No one I know has ever been rude and intrusive about asking about this subject. People naturally ask whether we have kids and if we intend to have them (even though we are 40), but never push beyond that. Maybe I just give out a ''vibe'' that this type of questioning wouldn''t be welcome! I wouldn''t find that especially offensive though, I am happy enough to discuss exactly how I feel about the subject.

 

[vespergirl]

I actually do have a child, but I agree that people can be very instrusive and rude when broaching this subject. I have a good friend, who does not want kids, and her husband does (IMO, they should have worked this out before they got married, but they didn''t). It''s a sore subject for the both of them, but we have another friend, who every time we all get together, asks them, "So, when are you guys having kids? Have you decided yet? You should really have them ..." I know for a fact it makes both in the couple uncomfortable, and I think it''s really nasty. This same one is very intrusive with me & my husband on when we''re having our second child. She knows that we would like to have another, but that is a personal decision, and we wanted the kids to be at least 3 years apart, for various reasons. Now that my son is 2, she''s constantly asking me, "So, are you trying yet? Have you missed your period yet?" I just keep telling her that it''s a personal decision between me & my husband, and we''ll let her know when and if we have news to share, at the appropriate time (if I do get pregnant, I would want to wait until at least 12 weeks to tell people).

This girl is normally very tactful and nice on every other subject, but I just want to shake her & let her know that not everyone wants their reproductive choices as the subject of dinner table converstaion, because they are very personal choices!

 

[tenfour]

we don''t really have a reason for not wanting kids. the fact that we just don''t want them should be reason enough for us not to have them!!

 

[trillionaire]

Among other reasons, kids are expensive. I can''t imagine how expensive college would be in 20 yr. My parents paid 1-2K per year for private college, my school was 32K+ when I was there, now 50K. Seriously. I don''t believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don''t feel like it. I don''t apply for jobs that I don''t want, and I shouldn''t raise kids I don''t want. I have no need to see what I can biologically produce. If I change my mind, I will adopt. But for now, no kids. I would rather spend my years with SO travelling, not being tied down and constrained, not having my life dictated by good school districts and restaurants with fish sticks.

If that''s what you want, fantastic. I love kids, want neices and nephews, I babysat for over a decade, and I also know I don''t want that full time job. I would love adult children, but I''m good on kids.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/4/2008 1:42:13 AM
Author: zhuzhu
We also do not believe that contributing to the over-populated earth is necessarily a responsibility of a married couple.

This is just the type of comment that can lead to massive arguements. It is really judgmental saying those who do have kids are contributing to the over-population of the world. How can you expect people do be cool about you not having kids when you've turned around and attacked those who have? We each have made our own choices and should be respected for that.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 12/4/2008 3:14:00 PM
Author: MC

Date: 12/4/2008 1:42:13 AM

Author: zhuzhu

We also do not believe that contributing to the over-populated earth is necessarily a responsibility of a married couple.

This is just the type of comment that can lead to massive arguements. It is really judgmental saying those who do have kids are contributing to the over-population of the world. How can you expect people do be cool about you not having kids when you''ve turned around and attacked those who have? We each have made our own choices and should be respected for that.

Sorry MC,
Perhaps I should have chosen my words more carefully. I did not mean that couples having kids are "bad" because they are contributing to the population. Over-populated world is a fact but I would never think of it as any "fault of the parents", but a mere reality.
I wholeheartedly respect the choices of parenthood and am thankful to my parents for having me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/4/2008 2:56:11 PM
Author: trillionaire
Among other reasons, kids are expensive. I can''t imagine how expensive college would be in 20 yr. My parents paid 1-2K per year for private college, my school was 32K+ when I was there, now 50K. Seriously. I don''t believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don''t feel like it. I don''t apply for jobs that I don''t want, and I shouldn''t raise kids I don''t want. I have no need to see what I can biologically produce. If I change my mind, I will adopt. But for now, no kids. I would rather spend my years with SO travelling, not being tied down and constrained, not having my life dictated by good school districts and restaurants with fish sticks.

If that''s what you want, fantastic. I love kids, want neices and nephews, I babysat for over a decade, and I also know I don''t want that full time job. I would love adult children, but I''m good on kids.

LOL...and good spaghetti and meatballs. Don''t forget that. Chicken fingers are also good.

And I loved the idea of adult children too, but was told the only way to get them was to give birth or adopt. So here I am.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/4/2008 3:47:46 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/4/2008 2:56:11 PM
Author: trillionaire
Among other reasons, kids are expensive. I can't imagine how expensive college would be in 20 yr. My parents paid 1-2K per year for private college, my school was 32K+ when I was there, now 50K. Seriously. I don't believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don't feel like it. I don't apply for jobs that I don't want, and I shouldn't raise kids I don't want. I have no need to see what I can biologically produce. If I change my mind, I will adopt. But for now, no kids. I would rather spend my years with SO travelling, not being tied down and constrained, not having my life dictated by good school districts and restaurants with fish sticks.

If that's what you want, fantastic. I love kids, want neices and nephews, I babysat for over a decade, and I also know I don't want that full time job. I would love adult children, but I'm good on kids.

LOL...and good spaghetti and meatballs. Don't forget that. Chicken fingers are also good.

And I loved the idea of adult children too, but was told the only way to get them was to give birth or adopt. So here I am.

or grilled cheese and PB&J!

and let's not forget mac and cheese!

Mostly though, I wonder what is wrong with me for being missing the mommy gene. But maybe I am just strange in general. The idea of a wedding annoys me, and I think kids are impossibly cute, but I see them, and my brain filters them into "this thing is crying. It has a need. Assess need. Meet need. Thing is content. Good Job. Repeat."

What's wrong with me? Lol!

SO doesn't want kids either, and he's a tad scared I will change my mind. And my parents are terrified that I WON'T!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/4/2008 4:02:30 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 12/4/2008 3:47:46 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/4/2008 2:56:11 PM
Author: trillionaire
Among other reasons, kids are expensive. I can''t imagine how expensive college would be in 20 yr. My parents paid 1-2K per year for private college, my school was 32K+ when I was there, now 50K. Seriously. I don''t believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don''t feel like it. I don''t apply for jobs that I don''t want, and I shouldn''t raise kids I don''t want. I have no need to see what I can biologically produce. If I change my mind, I will adopt. But for now, no kids. I would rather spend my years with SO travelling, not being tied down and constrained, not having my life dictated by good school districts and restaurants with fish sticks.

If that''s what you want, fantastic. I love kids, want neices and nephews, I babysat for over a decade, and I also know I don''t want that full time job. I would love adult children, but I''m good on kids.

LOL...and good spaghetti and meatballs. Don''t forget that. Chicken fingers are also good.

And I loved the idea of adult children too, but was told the only way to get them was to give birth or adopt. So here I am.

or grilled cheese and PB&J!

and let''s not forget mac and cheese!

Mostly though, I wonder what is wrong with me for being missing the mommy gene. But maybe I am just strange in general. The idea of a wedding annoys me, and I think kids are impossibly cute, but I see them, and my brain filters them into ''this thing is crying. It has a need. Assess need. Meet need. Thing is content. Good Job. Repeat.''

What''s wrong with me? Lol!

SO doesn''t want kids either, and he''s a tad scared I will change my mind. And my parents are terrified that I WON''T!

Nothing''s wrong with you. I was even worse. Not only did I hate the idea of a wedding, I never really saw kids as cute. And when I see them and if they were crying, I''d shrug and think, good thing it''s not mine.

I still don''t have the mommy gene. I still find other people''s kids generally annoying, although having one of my own makes me more understanding.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/4/2008 2:56:11 PM
Author: trillionaire
Among other reasons, kids are expensive. I can''t imagine how expensive college would be in 20 yr. My parents paid 1-2K per year for private college, my school was 32K+ when I was there, now 50K. Seriously. I don''t believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don''t feel like it. I don''t apply for jobs that I don''t want, and I shouldn''t raise kids I don''t want. I have no need to see what I can biologically produce. If I change my mind, I will adopt. But for now, no kids. I would rather spend my years with SO travelling, not being tied down and constrained, not having my life dictated by good school districts and restaurants with fish sticks.

If that''s what you want, fantastic. I love kids, want neices and nephews, I babysat for over a decade, and I also know I don''t want that full time job. I would love adult children, but I''m good on kids.

LOL @ the fish sticks! This post nearly convinced me NOT to have kids.

And to zhuzhu, I just don''t get it. I was annoyed with the "when are you going to get married?" I swear I''ll slap someone if they bother me with the "when are you going to start having kids" and I actually want kids. But geezus, get out of my bedroom!

 

[Cind11]

Date: 12/4/2008 4:42:24 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/4/2008 4:02:30 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 12/4/2008 3:47:46 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/4/2008 2:56:11 PM
Author: trillionaire
Among other reasons, kids are expensive. I can''t imagine how expensive college would be in 20 yr. My parents paid 1-2K per year for private college, my school was 32K+ when I was there, now 50K. Seriously. I don''t believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don''t feel like it. I don''t apply for jobs that I don''t want, and I shouldn''t raise kids I don''t want. I have no need to see what I can biologically produce. If I change my mind, I will adopt. But for now, no kids. I would rather spend my years with SO travelling, not being tied down and constrained, not having my life dictated by good school districts and restaurants with fish sticks.

If that''s what you want, fantastic. I love kids, want neices and nephews, I babysat for over a decade, and I also know I don''t want that full time job. I would love adult children, but I''m good on kids.

LOL...and good spaghetti and meatballs. Don''t forget that. Chicken fingers are also good.

And I loved the idea of adult children too, but was told the only way to get them was to give birth or adopt. So here I am.

or grilled cheese and PB&J!

and let''s not forget mac and cheese!

Mostly though, I wonder what is wrong with me for being missing the mommy gene. But maybe I am just strange in general. The idea of a wedding annoys me, and I think kids are impossibly cute, but I see them, and my brain filters them into ''this thing is crying. It has a need. Assess need. Meet need. Thing is content. Good Job. Repeat.''

What''s wrong with me? Lol!

SO doesn''t want kids either, and he''s a tad scared I will change my mind. And my parents are terrified that I WON''T!

Nothing''s wrong with you. I was even worse. Not only did I hate the idea of a wedding, I never really saw kids as cute. And when I see them and if they were crying, I''d shrug and think, good thing it''s not mine.

I still don''t have the mommy gene. I still find other people''s kids generally annoying, although having one of my own makes me more understanding.

Ha Ha. I found (find) other people''s kids annoying too. It was different with mine. I still found them annoying but since I love(d) them it made a difference-lol.

 

[trillionaire]

hehehe... I figure it will take the better part of 18 yrs to raise SO... The first 5 years have gone pretty well, I am so impressed by how much he has grown! Just the other day, he bought me flowers for no apparent reason.

Now I am trying to get him into some play dates, and trying to get him to play nicely with others

lol, I''m horrible.

 

[Erin]

I think it was one of the older threads on this topic where someone suggested answering the question with:
"I''m not really sure when we''ll have kids. By the way, how is you and Tom''s sex life?"

 

[misysu2]

Yes! Next time someone asks you, "When are you going to have kids?", you answer, "When are YOU going to have kids?" I especially love when it''s a really old lady asking. I think they usually get that the point that they''re being invasive.

 

[pennquaker09]

On a slightly hilarious (funny to me, anyway) I''m from the South and where I''m from, people are really into getting married and having kids and all that, but when I visit my family in AL and run into a family friend or a former classmate and they find out I have kids, nine times out of ten they say this exact quote, "I thought you were gay?" Like it makes me less gay because I want kids.

I think sometimes people just don''t realize what they say. I think there are some things you just don''t ask people about. It''s an etiquette thing basically.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think people judge naturally. People tend to think *their* way of life is the *right* way to live. I try really hard to break this habit and understand there is not a mold that everyone fits into. I love being a mom and always have wanted children but I respect those who decide not to just like I love cats but respect those who love dogs. There are just as many childless couples who judge couples with children. It is NOT one sided. That''s the way life is. Just like the over population comment...

Glass houses and stones aside people are ALWAYS going to ask noisy, annoying questions "why don''t you have a boyfriend? Why aren''t you married yet? When are you having a baby? When are you having your NEXT baby?" It is exhausting, yes...but part of life.

 

[Rhea]

I always find it odd that people question the choice not to have children, but people who want children rarely get asked why. Why is the default decision to have children?

Date: 12/4/2008 2:09:08 PM
Author: tenfour
we don''t really have a reason for not wanting kids. the fact that we just don''t want them should be reason enough for us not to have them!!

I like this answer! It''s hard to explain that to the woman who always asks me though. She doesn''t ask my husband, she asks me, which is very annoying as well.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/4/2008 6:50:37 PM
Author: Addy

I always find it odd that people question the choice not to have children, but people who want children rarely get asked why. Why is the default decision to have children?

Date: 12/4/2008 2:09:08 PM
Author: tenfour
we don''t really have a reason for not wanting kids. the fact that we just don''t want them should be reason enough for us not to have them!!

I like this answer! It''s hard to explain that to the woman who always asks me though. She doesn''t ask my husband, she asks me, which is very annoying as well.

Maybe you can just say, "Um, kids have cooties"

Then bust out your cootie spray like in Four Christmases or whatever movie with Reese Witherspoon that is out now.

Might work?

 

[musey]

Date: 12/4/2008 2:56:11 PM
Author: trillionaire
I don''t believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don''t feel like it. I don''t apply for jobs that I don''t want, and I shouldn''t raise kids I don''t want.

I totally agree, and that would be my comeback of choice if I were of the anti-offspring variety

It frustrates me that having babies is "the thing to do after you get married." I don''t experience it that much, perhaps because I live where I live and perhaps because of my age (or both), but I sincerely believe that some people who shouldn''t have ever been parents (because their hearts are not in it) ARE parents just because it''s "what you do." It doesn''t have to be. If people feel fulfilled in their life without having children, then why pop a kid out? Just to fulfill your biological "duty"? Ugh.


All that said, I''m full of mommy genes (seriously... Jon & Kate Plus 8 actually makes me more excited to be a parent, haha) and very much looking forward to being ready for children someday. My husband and I will really enjoy being parents, and will do that job to the absolute best of our abilities. And that''s how it should be, if you''re going to be a parent. If not, then don''t have kids.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/4/2008 7:00:01 PM
Author: musey

All that said, I''m full of mommy genes (seriously... Jon & Kate Plus 8 actually makes me more excited to be a parent, haha)

I LOVE that show. I love any show about families... Supernanny, Little People, Big World, 17 and counting, Adoption Stories, Shaq''s big Challenge. I can watch them allllllllllllll day long. It really scares SO, because he really doesn''t believe that I don''t want kids.

But seriously, I get grumpy when I have to get up and go out in the cold to walk my dog who I love dearly... Spending the next 18 years catering to kids hand and foot, not my stylo. But I can''t wait til my sibs have some

And SO''s brother is expecting his first in June, and I am SUPER EXCITED!!!

SO, not so much...

 

[blinkydoll]

Lol-- that show scares me!! yikes-- thats wayyy tooo many kids--- the duggers is even scarier!

I think its rude of people to ask ---
this is the question that makes me

My boss actually argued with me about why I should have kids-----

It''s just not right for people to assume that everyone wants the same things that they want.
I also find it especially rude when a guy asks me... its easy for them,.. they don''t have to give birth!

Addy made a good point:
"I always find it odd that people question the choice not to have children, but people who want children rarely get asked why. Why is the default decision to have children?"
are we allowed to ask people who have kids--- why did they want to have kids and then look at them like they have 3 or 4 heads? lol

this is a funny response tooo! lol--- i wish i had the guts to use that!
"I''m not really sure when we''ll have kids. By the way, how is you and Tom''s sex life?"

I usually kringe and say-- i''m all set with my dog and kitties.