Are you a "Working Mother"?

[dreamer_dachsie]

So last week I had two people call me a "working mother" in the space of a week, for the first time in my life as a mother, and for some reason the term really bugged me! I did not know I felt that way about the term, until it came up, but my reaction was strong and visceral. It surprised me how strongly I reacted!

Ultimately, I felt the term dimished both my career and my motherhood. Being a mother, a wife, a worker, these are all aspects of who I am and it changes day by day which role dominates my self-concept. I am proud of all of those roles. But one does not modify the other -- I am not a working wife, or a mothering worker, or a working mother! I am all three. And if I am perfectly honest, though I see parenting as a sacred duty and honour, it is not even the most dominant aspect of my self-concept most of the time! I have been a mother for only 18 months, but I have been a scholar, a feminist, a trouble maker, and a woman for much much longer It feels so alien to be completely and utterly defined by others by a role I have just aquired!

So to all the other mothers out there, do you have any thoughts on the issue of motherhood, work, and identity to share?

 

[Mara]

The only thing I can think to add today after an extremely long day at work is that it is funny how quickly being a 'mother' defines you and changes you in the eyes of others. As you said, DD... I was a wife for many years, a working woman way longer than I was a mother, and I was just a regular woman way longer than any of the above. But now that I am a mother, somehow my views are perceived as immediately being different... or I may have a particular 'view' simply because I am a mom.

One quick example, tonite at our work event I was watching some 20'somethings cavort and flirt with each other after imbibing some alcohol. I mentioned to one of the other gals (who is a wife and a mother as well as my coworker) that I felt old and she goes...well you're a mom now. And I thought... well that isn't why I feel old. I would have still felt old watching them if I wasn't a mother. It was more like... Gee I feel beyond that and... how long ago was that me. Nothing to do with being a mom. Anyhoo.

 

[steph72276]

You know what term bugs me, "full time Mom". Um, hello just because you work doesn't mean you're not always a mom. Ugh, I hated that when I worked outside the home, and I still hate it when I stay at home. I've also seen resumes get thrown out when someone lists this as a reason for a gap in employment. The hiring manager was like, "hello, I am a full time mother too thank you very much!".

 

[fieryred33143]

Hmm. Working mother doesn't bother me at all but if someone called me a working wife I would raise an eyebrow. Wonder why.

the only term that I hate is fulltime mom as Steph mentioned. That term makes no sense. So if you take an hour out of your day to exercise, does that make you a mom only 95.8% of the time? Silly.

 

[janinegirly]

Working mom doesn't bother me either. In fact I think it puts me on pedestal and announces that I in fact do more than most (ie 2 "jobs" so to speak!). While others race home to watch TV, I'm racing home to raise a little girl and I'm proud to be able to do both (well I hope). However for some reason I am bothered by "housewife/SAHM". NOT the role at all (which I hope to embrace in a few years), but the title or the way people say it sometimes. I think it can be viewed at condescendingly and that it reduces women to one dimension - mom/wife.

 

[Sha]

Hmmm, interesting perspective. I don't think the term bothers me much, really. I see it as a way to conveniently describe two important roles together- mother and worker. So rather than saying, 'she's a mother and worker', or a 'mother who works', -you can just say 'working mother'. I don't see it as one necessarily occluding or minimizing the other, really. It's just one of the many terms that could be used to describe me. 'Working mother' might be relevant in some situations, ''new mother' in others, ''christian mother', counsellor' , 'artist' etc, etc. I'm a multifaceted woman, as most women are, and I think (hope?) most people recognize that. I know that the term 'working mother' doesn't completely define me, so I wouldn't necessarily feel that others were seeking to 'sum me up' by using that term.

 

[megumic]

The phrase "Working Mother" bothers me because nobody would say Working Father -- because everyone just assumes all Dads work.

 

[junebug17]

I wasn't a working mom, but am impressed when I hear that someone is because I appreciate how difficult it must be. Having the responsibilities of a job in addition to raising children and taking care of a home? I admire all of you who do it. I'm sure there are days when you would much rather just stay home and hang out with your LO.

I guess being a mom is such an important role, and such a big responsibility that we are defined mainly by that role by others. It's never really bothered me. I guess I figure that even though others may view me as primarily a mom, I know that there is much more to me. And I think those other aspects of who we are make themselves known, by the views we express, how we deal with situations, other interests we have, etc. But I definitely agree that being a mother is a very defining role, and other sides of us get a little "lost".

 

[fieryred33143]

The phrase "Working Mother" bothers me because nobody would say Working Father -- because everyone just assumes all Dads work.

Excellent point. I had never thought of that. I know for certain I have never called a man a working father. The term still doesn't bother me but that's a good point.

 

[TravelingGal]

The phrase "Working Mother" bothers me because nobody would say Working Father -- because everyone just assumes all Dads work.

Actually it doesn't bother me for this reason...it also means that people assume that fathers aren't simply enough to raise children well!

 

[Sha]

The phrase "Working Mother" bothers me because nobody would say Working Father -- because everyone just assumes all Dads work.

Actually it doesn't bother me for this reason...it also means that people assume that fathers aren't simply enough to raise children well!

Yeah, I think it's because women are usually seen as the main caregivers; and when it comes to stay-at-home parents, it's usually the mom who stays home. I think that's why people feel it necessary to qualify the term 'mother' - e.g 'working mother' vs. 'stay-at-home' mother etc., whereas the same isn't true for men, since dads usually continue working anyway.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don't know what I am! Now that I am in school, does that make me a "working mom" even though I am not bringing in any money to the household? I no longer consider myself a SAHM. I guess I am in limbo.

 

[LadyBlue]

I don't know what I am! Now that I am in school, does that make me a "working mom" even though I am not bringing in any money to the household? I no longer consider myself a SAHM. I guess I am in limbo.

I guess you are a "Student Mom"

 

[steph72276]

Now that I think about it, the term "stay at home mom" is kind of stupid too. I mean, do I stay around my house all day everyday...no, I would go insane if I didn't get out most days and do things.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

For some reason people feel the need to catagorize moms. It's like their perception of a mom is based entirely upon if she's working or staying home. Then there is all that judgement stuff involved. The horror of a mom working full-time or the horror of a mom staying home full-time is always seen by someone or another! lol You know, really the only reason I say that is b/c of all the judgement I get as a SAHM. The funny thing is one mom in the family who works the most hours has been judged for years for working too much and having neglected her kids. Somehow now that her kids are grown up, I'm the bad one b/c my kids are coddled. AHHH, okay, vent over!

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Women can't win

For mothers who don't work typical jobs outside the home, what term would you prefer for your role? Housewife? No really, I want to know.

I was also bothered because of the gender thing. I am not a better parent than my husband, he is not a better worker than me. We are equal on both respects. Well, sort of. I am of course better at everything than him

I actually don't find it hard at all being a "working mom". I would find it harder not to work.

 

[steph72276]

Women can't win

For mothers who don't work typical jobs outside the home, what term would you prefer for your role? Housewife? No really, I want to know.

I was also bothered because of the gender thing. I am not a better parent than my husband, he is not a better worker than me. We are equal on both respects. Well, sort of. I am of course better at everything than him

I actually don't find it hard at all being a "working mom". I would find it harder not to work.

No, housewife is stupid too...I'm not married to my house. Who knows, I kind of like Tan Dog Mom's title of Director of Operations of the household. Works for me!

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Women can't win

For mothers who don't work typical jobs outside the home, what term would you prefer for your role? Housewife? No really, I want to know.

I was also bothered because of the gender thing. I am not a better parent than my husband, he is not a better worker than me. We are equal on both respects. Well, sort of. I am of course better at everything than him

I actually don't find it hard at all being a "working mom". I would find it harder not to work.

No, housewife is stupid too...I'm not married to my house. Who knows, I kind of like Tan Dog Mom's title of Director of Operations of the household. Works for me!

If we are choosing our titles I will take "Queen of Everything", or just Your Majesty when we are being informal.

 

[steph72276]

Women can't win

For mothers who don't work typical jobs outside the home, what term would you prefer for your role? Housewife? No really, I want to know.

I was also bothered because of the gender thing. I am not a better parent than my husband, he is not a better worker than me. We are equal on both respects. Well, sort of. I am of course better at everything than him

I actually don't find it hard at all being a "working mom". I would find it harder not to work.

No, housewife is stupid too...I'm not married to my house. Who knows, I kind of like Tan Dog Mom's title of Director of Operations of the household. Works for me!

If we are choosing our titles I will take "Queen of Everything", or just Your Majesty when we are being informal.

I like it!

 

[Blenheim]

The term bothers me as well, partially for the reasons that you described and partially because it seems often to be used in the context of the "Working Moms vs. SAHMs" debate, which also bothers me as both groups generally are hard-working and want the best for their kids. Why the need to create a dichotomy?

On the title-front, while I am not an (ahem) housewife, I do hold the title of CFO of the [Blenheim] Family. Queen of Everything sounds much cooler though.

ETA: My MIL has a coffee cup that says "Every mother is a working mother". I like it in that context.

 

[gailrmv]

Steph, thanks for liking my "director of operations" title!

I never know what to say. When I write it down, I usually use the term SAHM for simplicity. I don't really like to say "SAHM" because the acronym sounds stupid, and even to say "stay at home mom" is not accurate because we go do all kinds of things outside of the house. I definitely don't like "housewife" because I'm not married to the house!

Usually, when someone asks me if I work, I say "well not for money"! Or when I meet someone who asks what I do, I say "well I have my masters of xx and until recently was a project manager at xx, and now I am home with my son." It always seems awkward and can open the door to questions that I may not feel like getting into ("why did you quit? do you miss it?"). And what about when he is older and my career is further in the past? Will it still be part of my identity? I hope so!

I had not given any thought to the term "working mother" but I do see Dreamer's point as to why she doesn't like it!

And I totally agree about "full time mom". While I may be guilty of using that term, I think that every mom (at least every good one!) is a full time mom, whether she is at work, at home, wherever.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

The term working mom does not bother me. I am a working mom. I get a break from work but never from being a mom. It's a 24/7/365 job. I believe that me working outside of the home does not make me less of a mother simply because of that fact. I also believe that when it comes to children it's the quality of time spent with them and not necessarily the quantity and that just as a working mom can become overwhelmed with work duties and slack off with parenting, there are also SAHMs out there that use the tv and video games as crutches when it comes to child rearing. As mothers, we are not perfect and we must do the right thing for our respective families.

Add me to the list that thinks it's interesting that woman who works outside of the home is a working mom but a man that works outside of the home isn't referred to as a working dad. DH is a very involved father and, like me, he is a parent 24/7/365.

 

[janinegirly]

I agree on the gender double standard--but I think we have to admit that it is true that a majority of dads do in fact work which is not the case for moms. So this is likely why they are not referred to as "working dads"--because it is assumed that almost all dads work. There are SAHD's and I'm sure they'd have alot to say about the reactions they get (I know a few...it's still unusual though). I suppose it's the same in that no one says "working woman" because, well isn't it assumed that most do unless they are a SAHM or housewife? It would be offensive otherwise.

Like I said I view the term "working mom" as clarification that an individual does a little more than most (not that it's harder, but it is 2 roles when many do one or the other). And maybe it helps justify why that person leaves a bit earlier or takes every single vacation day. I guess one could argue that that should be the same for dads who work, but the fact remains that the role of mother continues to be looked at as the primary caregiver. To me the injustice lies more in the fact that working moms are looked at within the workplace as less serious than their single/childless counterparts. That annoys me b/c, I believe I'm just more efficient and better at multi-tasking and performance isn't all about the empty hours you put in the office.

However agree with all on there needing to be a better term for SAHM-it just conjures up images of someone who never leaves the house and instead sits on the couch watching Oprah while the kids play! Household management? something like that maybe . I do think the term bothers me personally because I married late which means for a good portion of my adult life I was independent, travelling the world, getting an education, climbing the corporate ladder, living in various cities -- and it's a bit frustrating to have all that be erased and replaced by a label which makes me feel one dimensional and somewhat diminshed.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don't know what I am! Now that I am in school, does that make me a "working mom" even though I am not bringing in any money to the household? I no longer consider myself a SAHM. I guess I am in limbo.

I guess you are a "Student Mom"

Yuck! That sounds like I am a mom in training. Guess I can't sum up my role in two words.

 

[gailrmv]

Tacori - "mom and grad student"?

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

We are all moms in training I think! You never fully master the job.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We are all moms in training I think! You never fully master the job.

True, but honestly, what would you think if someone told you that? I probably would assume she was pregnant or something.

 

[ericad]

This is a but if a sore spot for me as I work (multiple jobs, actually) and at my daughter's school, most of the moms are SAHM (to paint a picture, it's a very cliquey, gated golf course community, private school type of town. We love it here, but it lacks the...socioeconomic diversity we are accustomed to.)

I'll never forget attending my daughter's first b-day party invite from a school friend. The school was closed on a Monday for some type of teacher thing (not a holiday) so the mom thought it would be brilliant to have her daughter's party on that Monday afternoon. Well, DH and I were both working that day but DD was so excited to go to this party that I took the day off work just to take her (and it was a pretty great kids party, I must admit.)

So we're at the party (we were new to the school and I didn't know anyone there) and while I'm helping DD with a craft project, the mom is talking to another mom in a hushed tone about one of the kids. The conversation went something like this:

School mom: "I'm surprised to see little Johnny here."
Birthday mom: "I know, he's usually in childcare. His mom is a 'working mom' and I just felt so sorry for him, always being stuck at daycare, that I offered to get him from school and bring him to the party. Poor little guy, his mom works full time, that's like EVERY DAY!"

My mouth dropped open. She said the words "childcare" and "working mom" and "full time" in that hushed tone people use when talking about cancer. Like it was something so awful that she couldn't bear to say it out loud. And they just kept carrying on in front of me because they assumed that since I was there on a Monday afternoon, I must also be a SAHM who would be sympathetic to poor little Johnny's awful life as a kid with 2 working (outside the home) parents.

The double standard is what really chapped my hide. Not once did they ever mention how sad it is for kids who have a dad that works full time and can't attend birthday parties. And aren't SAHM's working too? What about that?!

Another thing that bugs me is when I take DD to school and pick her up. DH usually does this, because of our schedules, but I'm able to take her and pick her up every Wednesday. From time to time I will run into the principal and every single time she exclaims, "Erica! It's such a treat to see you! It doesn't happen very often because you're always working - how wonderful that you can bring S to school today."

And I'm like, WTH? I'm here every Wednesday, lady! And at every parent teacher conference, and every back to school night, and I volunteer at the school, and attend all of the various fund raising events.

Maybe I just blend in and she doesn't recognize me, lol.

 

[vespergirl]

I had a hard time adjusting to being called a "mother" in general. After I had my first son, I felt very old (I was 30). I didn't feel like myself anymore, and maybe part of the reason for that was that I gave up my career to stay at home, so it was a huge lifestyle adjustment. It also may be that I didn't have a good relationship with my own mother growing up, so hearing myself referred to as a mother was difficult for me, instead of just being referred to as a woman.

 

[Jennifer W]

That sounds so old fashioned! That is something that would be said with the intention of being slighting, or offensive where I live. It's on a par with 'manageress' or (and I heard this one today) 'lady solicitor' to describe a female lawyer. To my ear (eye?) it's so out dated it actually sounds quite comical.

To answer the question, no. I'm not a working mother. I'm a parent and I work. So is DH.