Another HOUSE GUEST/MIL problem....

[blondebunny]

So let me preface by saying how much i absolutely love my mother in law. we have an amazing relationship. BUT we just recently moved into their house, so when my DH goes out of the country (on Aug 10) for medical school, it will just be me and them. When we made the decision that my DH was going out of country, we didnt even ask if I could move in with them, they asked when i was moving in. They have completely adapted to me leaving there and have completely turned their house and life upside down to accommodate my husband and I and our 3 cats. I have no problem with my FIL as I have never had a good relationship with my real father and my father in law is awesome and we get along good. BUT my MIL LOVES to talk, like love to talk so much she will just keep talking about the same thing and repeating it multiple times just because she loves to talk. I love to talk to, but sometimes it just makes my head spin. There are also other times that dont know if she is so entranced in talking that she doesnt listen when she asks a question and then will ask the question multiple times. Yesterday was my DH's thesis defense (he passed!!) and on the car ride home, she couldnt be quiet for a minute, we are talking about a 2 hr car ride.... Also, anytime my husband would ask me a question, she answered it.?.. I finally just shut up and pretended to sleep because I couldnt handle the talking anymore. I told DH when I got home how upset I was and stuff and tried to explain the situation with him. I am scared to death of living here now. I am just really scared that one day I might have enough and go crazy or something and ruin our relationship which i dont want to do. My inlaws treat and love me more than my own family does, so you can see why i dont want to ruin anything. i just dont know how to deal with my mother in law and having her tone down the talking a little. I think maybe the situation maybe just be really tense at the moment as we have been in some situations lately (car ride and what not) that we normally wont be in so it wont be that bad. Does anyone have any good tips on how to help? Im just scared to talk to her because she is kinda sensitive and very stubborn (according to DH) and i dont want it to affect our relationship, so maybe something on my side that I can do to help...

Also, DH has to go to an airport about 2 hrs away... I know Im gonna be a mess, but after the whole car ride before, I am now rethinking having my MIL come... Would you rather just go alone than with her in this case?? I kinda think I wanna just go with DH so we can be alone ya know for the 2 hrs, I just know the car ride home is gonna suck, but... i just dunno how much talking i can handle!

Sorry if this sounds crazy, and i know others have ALOT more issues with their inlaws, I am just trying to get advice so I dont lose my amazing relationship with my mother in law! Thanks in advance!

 

[Lanie]

blondbunny -- How long will your DH be gone and how long will you be living there? Months? Years? All I can say is just be glad you have this opportunity and that you aren't paying rent (I'm assuming you aren't). So naturally she's going to irk you. All roommates do to some degree. I'd do as much as you can out of the house, i.e. go out with your friends, go for walks, go shopping, and get some books to read. If she sees you sitting in the living room reading, maybe she'll leave you alone! And she might taper down...she could just be excited to have new ears listen to her stories. It might suck, but if it gets to you, consider an alternative (getting your own apt) and just tell them that you felt bad encroaching on their space and you felt you needed to move.

 

[Bliss]

Whew! How awesome that you have such a great relationship with your ILs! But your MIL does sound exhausting. I don't think there's much you can do about someone who loves to talk talk talk. It's like chewing gum for them and they don't like silences. I think the best way to deal is to try to limit your time with her when you start to get stressed out. You can't tell her not to talk so much without ruining the relationship, unfortunately. Then she will clam up or get defensive and you will feel even more uncomfortable.

Maybe the thought that this is a stressful time for you will make you feel better. You won't always feel this way. Having your DH leave for another country for 4 years is scary and stressful so maybe every little thing makes you want to jump out of your skin. Once he leaves and it gets lonely at times, you might be grateful for the chatty MIL! And also once he is gone you can focus more on the gratitude of having such amazing ILs and that will also increase your tolerance for the chatty chats!

 

[fieryred33143]

Here's the thing. She's going to drive you crazy. She just is. There's no getting around it. What will make it worse though is how you react to the situation.

My MIL sounds exactly the same and I can tell you it only gets worse when there is a baby involved (lol). What I have been learning to do is a) have an outlet, b) pick my battles and c) turn things around so that it is positive. It's the only way to survive the relationship.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Here's the thing. She's going to drive you crazy. She just is. There's no getting around it. What will make it worse though is how you react to the situation.

I 100% agree. Living with people is difficult in BEST of situations. They are kind and generous to let you move in with them. You need to accept your MIL for who she is and respond instead of react. If this is too difficult I would get your own place. No need to permanently tarnish a good relationship.

 

[cara]

How timely. My MIL just showed up for a visit and she is bright and chipper and chatty and I am 7.5 mo preggo and just worn out all the time and dragging. Even when not preggo I have a hard time being around her 24-7 cause it is just too much chattiness for me, especially in the AM haha! I am already talking to myself about keeping my best foot forward to survive a long weekend with all the jauntiness and energy differential.

But this is how she is, this is how your MIL is. It is possible it will tone down a little bit as you all get used to each other and your new living situation, but you should mentally prepare yourself (and your FI) for the possibility that it is just not a good long-term rooming situation for you. Much better for you to move out and visit the in-laws occasionally and maintain a good relationship with them then to end up harming your relationship by going crazy dealing with being under the same roof.

I would tell your FI about your concerns and then discuss a time frame for reevaluating the situation. Something reasonable like several months. During that time really try to establish patterns that take you out of the house and fill your time with other pursuits so you aren't trapped at the house and you have a routine that fills your life. It should be clear by the end whether it is going to work out for longer.

Roommates are tricky things! Sometimes the best ones are not your best friends, but rather people that you are compatible with for living together schedule-wise, personality-wise, cleanliness-wise and that you can have a friendly occasional conversation with but then you both have closer friends outside of the home. One of my best college friends, we were not good suitemates. Our one semester living together was almost the end of our friendship, it was just too much to be around her all the time! But living apart we were got along well.

Since this roommate is also future family, you need to tread carefully and act wisely. She woln't change her fundamental personality and you shouldn't ask her to. See if you can work out a schedule/lifestyle that makes her a tolerable roommate, and if that doesn't work then come up with a plan to move out! No shame in needing your own space. I can't imagine living with my inlaws for an extended period of time. Or either of my parents, for that matter. I have wondered too far from the nest to revert (or being around the 'rents makes me revert to my childlike ways) !

 

[Anastasia]

BB - You have gotten good advice so far. In only have two things to add.

1 - Take your husband to the airport alone. Have your DH tell her that you two would like to be alone since he is leaving. Hopefully she will understand this.

2 - Along with planning things to do that will keep you out of the house 24/7, don't be afraid to give yourself "alone" time in the evenings. Just because you are living in their house doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment with them. When I moved back home after college, I bought myself a nice tv and a nice stereo that were in my room. Many evenings, I would go to my room after dinner and spend the evening there.

Good luck. What is it about MIL's and constant talking? Mine does the same thing. And she seems to have about 5 stories that she insists on telling over and over and over.

 

[KimberlyH]

I would start looking for an apartment. It makes no sense to move in with them if you're already concerned and he hasn't even left yet. As for the ride to the airport, it sounds like he is really close with his family, and that's something you accepted in choosing him so I wouldn't say his parents can't go.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't think you can say anything to your MIL about her talking too much. That's just how she is, and if you do address it with her, the conversation could end badly. I can see how constantly being around certain people (in this case, someone who talks non-stop) can be exhausting, but I'm not sure you can do much about this without really hurting your MIL's feelings.

Maybe you can make plans once a week or so with friends so you have something to look forward to outside of the house. That way, you're not home as often and you can escape the constant talking occasionally. I'm not really sure what else to suggest. I'm guessing she's like this maybe because she has someone new to share her home with now.

 

[swingirl]

Get headphones and an ipod and tell her you are going to listen to some music and won't be answering. Or get earplugs and tell her you'll be putting them in because you need some quiet time to think. Or mention that you get a headache if there is too much noise and talking. You'll probably need to spend some time with your door closed or out doing errands and activities where you can be alone.

But since it's her house she'll most likely keep talking.

 

[junebug17]

I agree with PP's that you really can't talk to her about the constant talking. I can't imagine what you could say that wouldn't offend her or hurt her feelings. My guess is that if you want some peace and quiet, you'll have to go to your room and close the door. My mother is a talker, and the only way I can get a break is to go into another room for awhile. Everyone else has offered great advice...going out with friends, running errands, taking walks, shopping etc. Do you work or go to school? Obviously, that will help too, since you would really only be around in the evenings. She may quiet down after the excitement of having you there wears off.

How long will your dh be gone? If, after a few months, her constant talking is still bothering you, I would talk to your dh and make other living arrangements. It's really hard to live with other people long-term, even if they are very nice and you like them.

As for going to the airport, if she wants to come along, I don't think you can stop her.

 

[Haven]

Here's the thing. She's going to drive you crazy. She just is. There's no getting around it. What will make it worse though is how you react to the situation.

I 100% agree. Living with people is difficult in BEST of situations. They are kind and generous to let you move in with them. You need to accept your MIL for who she is and respond instead of react. If this is too difficult I would get your own place. No need to permanently tarnish a good relationship.

Thritto. I completely agree with all of the wise posters here.

You'll be living under their roof, so you're choosing to put yourself in this situation. If you can, I would get an apartment ASAP, because the fact that you are already worried about this becoming an issue and you haven't even moved in yet is a big red flag. Your MIL isn't going to stop talking so much, and it isn't your place to say anything to her about her talking habits. You wrote "i just dont know how to deal with my mother in law and having her tone down the talking a little." This line especially makes me feel like you aren't totally prepared for the situation you are about to put yourself into, because if you were, you would understand that you are a guest in their home and asking your MIL to change her habits is completely out of the question. (This sounds harsh but I don't mean it that way.)

I lived with my parents for several years after college and it was a wonderful experience because I knew my place. I was in THEIR home. I counted my blessings for having parents who allowed me to live with them as an adult, and because of that I was able to manage the very difficult task of biting my tongue when they did things that rubbed me the wrong way. Do my parents have annoying habits? Yes. Did I say anything about those habits to them? Hell no! I was a guest in their home, and it was none of my business. If I didn't like it, guess what? The door was always open, and I'm sure they would have allowed me to borrow their packing tape.

Seriously, if this isn't something you can handle, you really should consider getting a place of your own. Living with people is hard, and I imagine living with people you aren't related to can be even harder. Some people are really laid-back and can handle difficult situations without raising an eyebrow, but honey, you're freaked out enough about your MIL to start a thread on PS and you haven't even moved in yet! Get thee an apartment! It isn't worth tarnishing your relationship with your in-laws, it just isn't.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Has your MIL always been like this or is she talking more as a result of being excited about you moving in? You do have your own room, right? Set up a "home base" in there, but keep in mind, she may be insulted that you're spending your time in there instead of being around her! Are you and her both working so you're not in the house with her all day?

 

[Kaleigh]

Take your husband to the aiport alone.

Then start looking for an apartment. Your IL's sound very sweet, but they will drive you nutso.. You can still be close with them without living under their roof.. Her gabbing all day long and night, would drive me insane.

I think it's the only way you will preserve your sanity...

Trust me!!!

 

[kelpie]

Develop a migraine problem and tell her noise exacerbates it.

 

[blondebunny]

hey sorry took so long to reply... we "recycled" our computers and it i was without a computer for a little bit and then had to wait to get my new one and then get everything on it!

thanks for the advice...

things are still...i dunno... luckily when i got really irritated it was because MIL had a bunch of time off since we were moving and had my DHs defense and stuff..so its kinda been better...

i ended up taking my hubby to the airport alone...she completely understood when we told her a few days before....and actually the night before we let she slipped on their tile and hurt her arm/wrist and couldnt have driven me back anyways so woulda been pointless anyways for her to come. dropping hubby off was a complete nightmare anyways and she woulda just made the situation worse.

My FIL and i get along perfect and we actually do a lot of stuff together because we think alike and are the same type of personality so that has been fun getting to know him better and hang out with him since my father is a piece of dog poo...I have been going in my room and shutting the door so no one bothers me unless i want to be bothered so that has been real helpful...except for the time when mostly my MIL knocks on my door and before i can say come in the door is already open...so i might start locking it... but kinda talked to MIL about being overwhelmed and she said no she understood and was trying to give me my space because if it was up to her she would hang out with my 24/7..but she knows i like being alone more and stuff so its gotten better...and i have been taking a class at JoAnns and will continue with more to get out of house and stuff...but really she has been working a lot..and going out of town so it has been nice lol if only now she will stop trying to convert me to a gator lover because i hate football lol

Moving out would not be an option because my inlaws would be more offended and hurt than if i just told them i need more space...plus my husbands living expenses in grenada are really expensive and it would be ridiculous for me to live on my own with 3 cats..plus i have a phobia of living alone lol..

Thank you though for everyone's responses