Who is deciding your inlaws guest list?

[Carats]

Just curious...

For people who''s parents are splitting the cost of the wedding 50/50, or if one side is paying, or the bride/groom are paying, who controls the guest list? Did you split the list 50/50 and let both sides invite whoever they wanted or did you and your fiance pick the entire list?

I''m wondering because our parents are paying 50/50 and MIL is totally creating fifty percent of our guest list without any input from us, a lot of the people we don''t even know or have a relationship with. Was just wondering if this was normal and how other people went about this issue...

 

[missy]

My parents paid for everything. The wedding, the dress, the flowers etc We paid for the rehearsal dinner. My MIL paid for nothing.
However, we asked for her input on the guest list from her side. And we invited everyone she asked to be invited. The one conflict was our rehearsal dinner. She wanted her out of town cousins invited to it but I refused. I wanted to keep it small and easy as it was the night before the wedding and since she wasn't paying for anything she didn't have the right to demand we invite them just because they were from out of town and in a hotel that night. In fact, I had never met them before the wedding and the rehearsal dinner was for people in the wedding party only.

Just because they are splitting the cost though doesn't give them 100% free reign over whom you invite. If it comes with strings attached it is not a real gift IMO and if that is the case I would not want them to contribute if you can swing it. My parents expected nothing even though they paid for everything. That was their (very generous) wedding gift to us. And Greg and I appreciated their generosity and love. I would sit down with everyone involved and have a heart to heart about this. Just to get things straight as soon as possible and find out what everyone's expectations are.

Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Melissa

 

[purselover]

My parents paid for everything - yet DH''s made a ton of demands on the guest list and invited everyone they wanted even if I didn''t agree. IMO that was out of line. I think everyone should be happy (or at least accepting) of the guest list regardless of who''s paying.

 

[shertz1981]

My parents are paying. In-laws are deciding their own guest lists.

This has worked out well for the wedding, but not the rehearsal dinner, for which the in-laws are paying and to which my mother has insisted that every out of town guest be invited. (Customary in our family, but OMG, it's a heck of a lot of people.)

 

[marlie]

my mom is paying for her family and guests plus our (me + fi) list. fmil is paying for her people. she felt this gave her free reign which in my case was a BAD thing. my mom + our guests = 125 total. fmil all by herself invited 200. ouch. this turned into a major battle. b/c her guest list is so ginormous, it''s costing my mom who is paying for flowers/invitations/transportation a lot more. fmil is paying for the band which is the same cost whether we had 100 people or 500. we initially said we wanted a small wedding and she disregarded our request. ugh. just an all around messy scenario.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Traditionally, the bride''s family pays for the wedding and the guest list is split 50/50.

These days I think it usually stays about 50/50, but the older the bride and groom get, the more the guest lists will include "their" friends. I think ours was more like 1/3 our friends, 1/3 his family, 1/3 my family.

I know the tendency is to lean towards whoever pays for the wedding getting to control the guest list, but I really think it should be more or less equal.

 

[Nov2109]

We''re paying for about 75% of the wedding, our parents are each giving the same amount which makes up the last 25%.

Our wedding consists of about 40% his family, 30% my family, 20% his friends and 10% my friends.

We made our own guest list and ran it by our parents, we both knew of their close friends they would want to have so we put them on the list to start, my family is smaller, and outside of my closest friends, I didn''t care about having a ton of people there, he cared more than me. I wanted a 40 person wedding, we''re at about 160 on the guest list...it was not a fight I was going to have!

 

[yssie]

My parents are paying for the morning ceremony, FILs are paying for our honeymoon and the rd, and we're paying for most of the evening ceremony. Each family is deciding their own guest lists - and yes, there will be people there who we've never seen (or barely remember)! Because FI's family is generally more financially able to travel internationally, etc. we're going to have about 90 from his side and probably 40 from mine.


It's all very flexible, though, as FILs make a good amount more than my parents and everyone is trying to be fair and keep everyone else happy -we're lucky in that regard.

 

[LilyKat]

We are splitting the invitations exactly 50:50 for each "side" (so 70 invitations each, 140 total). Within that, it''s up to each "side" to decide who they want to invite, and what proportion family v friends to have, etc.

It''s worked fine so far. My parents are paying for everything, though his did offer to contribute.

 

[havernell]

We gave all parties 1/3 of the guest list- my parents got 1/3, his parents got 1/3 and we got 1/3. For us, that meant that each group got 67 people to invite. Within their 67, the parents could invite whomever they wanted.

It really is best for your and your FI to decide on a plan to split the guest list and tell the parents sooner rather than later. The longer your FMIL thinks she''s going to be able to invite unlimited numbers of people, the harder it will be to tell her she needs to cut people from her list. If your venue has a max number of people it can fit, split that number into thirds and tell FMIL how many people that means for her part guest list.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Our costs were more like 20(groom):80(bride) with expenses.

MIL wanted to invite a bunch of family (that neither I nor FI particularly wanted there). Instead of fighting, I just put up with it, since it was her only real request. So... I''ll be meeting some new faces at my wedding

... any (mostly) paying for their dinner.

I think it''s pretty common to run into this case...

 

[Haven]

I think it''s appropriate to say "We are able to accommodate XX number of your guests. If you could give me a copy of your list with their names and contact info by XX date, that would be great."

 

[caribqueen]

Forgive me if I didn''t read the post right, but I understood it as parents of both bride and groom are splitting the cost of the wedding 50/50. If that''s the case, then it doesn''t seem unreasonable to split the guest list equally between parents'' families while of course leaving room for bride and groom''s friends.

In my particular case, my parents are taking care of 80% (paying for most everything) FI''s parents are contributing 10%, and FI and I are paying 10%. With my parents paying for most of it, and our family much bigger we ended up with most of the guests. I asked FI''s mom to make a list of who she wanted to invite without giving her a number. Now, if she had gone over where we thought she should be, then we would''ve asked her to trim. That was not necessary since she was reasonable with who she invited. Also, because FI and I are a bit older my parents were flexible in allowing us to invite our friends, so that it''s not just a family event.

BTW: Isn''t it a given that there may be some people at a wedding that you don''t know whether it''s your own family or your FI''s?

 

[redfaerythinker]

My mother is paying for the whole wedding. Between her, FI and I, we made a must invite list, and then pared it down from there. His parents got no say whatsoever.

 

[lulu66]

my parents are paying for the wedding. fi & i came up with the guest list--we then went over it w/our parents. they added a few names but for the most part we''d already had it covered.

 

[elrohwen]

My parents paid for about 40%, but told us that it was our money to do what we wanted with.

DH and I set the entire guest list. Our families aren't particularly large and we're not close with aunts/uncles/cousins, so my parents didn't really care who I invited. Same with DH's side. We did invite one couple my parents are friends with and MIL's best friend, but they are people that DH and I know and love - not just random friends of the parents.

I guess our wedding was easy! We wanted a small wedding and absolutely didn't want a single person there who we didn't know or weren't close to. Our parents were fine with that.

 

[monkeyprincess]

My fiance and I are paying for everything. Our families offered, but we want a small wedding and are financially able to afford it, so we didn't feel right having our families pay. Because we're paying, he and I are completely in control of the guest list. I happen to have a much much larger family than him, so a large portion will be my relatives. We are each inviting our close friends and work colleagues, and we are also includeda few of our parents' close friends whom we personally know. We wanted the wedding to be about us and the people who are important to us, not a bunch of people we've never met.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 3/2/2010 5:03:46 PM
Author: monkeyprincess
My fiance and I are paying for everything. Our families offered, but we want a small wedding and are financially able to afford it, so we didn't feel right having our families pay. Because we're paying, he and I are completely in control of the guest list. I happen to have a much much larger family than him, so a large portion will be my relatives. We are each inviting our close friends and work colleagues, and we are also includeda few of our parents' close friends whom we personally know. We wanted the wedding to be about us and the people who are important to us, not a bunch of people we've never met.

Ditto this to the T....even the part with my larger family and our parents friends.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Our parents are contributing 50/50 which makes up to about 50% of the total wedding cost. I am covering the other 50%. I always thought I would determine the guest list but our parents will invite a resonable number of people. Our guest list is limited to 200 people due to the venue.

My parents decided that they will only invite several close friends that know both my fiance and me - this is around 10 people or so. We do not have a large extended family and my parents live overseas. I always knew my fiance has a large family and I know most of them but I was thinking no more than 70 people. I was shocked when his parents told us they were planning to invite a ton of friends as well which wiill make up more than half our guest lsit. It seemed a little unfair to me since my family is small. We had a talk and they are cutting down their list.

Net of it all .. I am pretty easy going and I want everyone to be happy .. but I am not willing to give up inviting our closest friends to have strangers at our wedding. My rule - everyone at the wedding must have met both my fiance and me at least once before (it's not so crazy since the fiance and I have known each other for 14 years).

 

[jaylex]

Fiance and I are paying for about 25%-30% of our wedding, plus our wedding bands and attendants gifts and stuff.
My mom/stepdad and my dad are splitting the rest. We had originally planned on paying for the whole thing but my parents said it would be an "honor" to help us pay for it.. lol
As of right now, fi's rents aren't helping at all. FFIL would love to help but can't afford to.. FMIL/FSFIL could but feel like don't have to because they have two daughters (who are 6 and 11) who's weddings they will be responsible for one day.

This is what our guest List looks like:

my mom/stepdad/dad's close family: apprx. 50 people
fiance's mom/stepdad/dad/stepmoms close family: apprx. 50 people.
Our friends: apprx. 50 people
Mom/dad's close friends: 25 people.

we are not allowing fiance's mom to invite any friends at this point. And we have good reason.
FMIL's exact words: "we hope jaylex's parents have deep pockets because we won't be paying for anything. But here's a list of the people we are inviting {list had over 75 people, all her friends and cousins we have never met}. We're totally going to make a {insert her last name} family reunion out of this! So how much EXACTLY are Jaylex parents giving you? As your mother, I have a right to know!"

gah I hate her lol.

 

[Carats]

omg jaylex, thats awful! I wouldn''t invite any of her people with that attitude!!!!!

yuck.

The reason I started this thread is because I have a pretty large extended family and inlaws dont, yet we split the guest list 50/50. MIL doesn''t have more than 10 people that are family she is inviting (i don''t even think they will all come) but instead has filled her list with random friends that we don''t know. I think she wants to make sure she isn''t outnumbered and that she has as many people as my family does (thats how her brain works) and so we will be inviting about 50 random out of town guests. When the truth is there are many people we would like to invite on our end, close friends and relatives, that we won''t be able to because of the way the list is split 50/50.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 3/2/2010 10:56:12 PM
Author: Carats
omg jaylex, thats awful! I wouldn't invite any of her people with that attitude!!!!!

yuck.

The reason I started this thread is because I have a pretty large extended family and inlaws dont, yet we split the guest list 50/50. MIL doesn't have more than 10 people that are family she is inviting (i don't even think they will all come) but instead has filled her list with random friends that we don't know. I think she wants to make sure she isn't outnumbered and that she has as many people as my family does (thats how her brain works) and so we will be inviting about 50 random out of town guests. When the truth is there are many people we would like to invite on our end, close friends and relatives, that we won't be able to because of the way the list is split 50/50.

Trust me, If I had it my way (and if Fiance had his way) this woman probably wouldn't be attending! (jk.... kind of) lol
hmmm... that's tricky too. Could you have your fiance sit her down and tell her that she can invited half of those people (only the ones he has met in the past, or ones she's talked to within the last 6 months?) and reserve the other half for you guys to invite more relatives and friends?

Was it a verbal agreement to split the guest list... like "you get what you pay for... so we'll plit the list 50/50" or was it more of an unspoken thing?

 

[winelover23]

FI and I are paying for our wedding 100% therefore we are in charge of the guest list. However I''m super lucky that my future IL''s are SUPER laid back and just go w/ the flow. I would not deal well w/ someone telling me who to invite so I really feel for you Carats. Good luck!

 

[Carats]

No we agreed from the beginning to split 50/50.

Now MIL is sending emails because she wants to invite the kids of all these random friends - and meanwhile we can''t even invite people that we know, that are important to us?!? I don''t think its unreasonable for us to agree on having her friends but putting a stop to the kids of the friends. What do you all think??

 

[havernell]

If you already expliclty told everyone that it would be an even 50/50 split, and that each family can invite whoever they want within their 50% then I kind of think you have to stick to that. I understand that because of different family size that it means FMIL gets to invite more friends and your family has to leave out some dear people, but if that was a concern, that should have been thought of and addressed before you all agreed to split things 50/50. It''s not FMIL''s fault that you didn''t think of it prior to this.

You (or actually, your FI) can try to reason with FMIL if you want and ask if she would give up her friends kids so you could invite some immediate family, but if she says no then I don''t know what else you can do if you don''t want it to turn into a fight.

How are you figuring in your and your FI''s own friends/colleagues into the invite list? Do you friends get lumped in with your famiily''s 50% and your FI''s friend with his family''s half? What about any "mutual" friends- whose list do they go on? You said FMIL is making their 50% of the list herself without input from you- is she including your FIs buddies in that list? Is there anyway you and your FI can renegotiate with your parents and claim 1/3 of the slots for yourselves (independent of your families?) Perhaps then you yourself coulld include some family that don''t fit into your parents allotment (and it also reduces the total number your FMIL has assigned to her).

 

[nkarma]

Some of the posts on this thread and in other threads on this subject are a bit disconcerting. It is not any one post, but I really don't get the my/his parents aren't paying they don't get a say or their names on the invites or whatever. Well isn't it because of the tradition that parents pay for the wedding that the bride and groom are letting them pay in the first place? Shouldn't you also honor the tradition of respecting your parents, you know the people who raised you and supported you? We are all adults here and hopefully can pay for a wedding that is within our means without the parents. But a lot of times you hear of people accepting the money and then bitching that my family paid more than his or his family is paying for nothing, so why should they get a say in anything.

Also, isn't the whole marriage thing about becoming part of each other's family. Just because so and so isn't paying, you can't treat them with the respect they deserve as your future husband's/wife's parents and include their close family or friends. Just like everything else in marriage, nothing is going to be split 50/50. Some people have more family than others, that's inevitable. It is also inevitable that one family has more money than the other and different economic strains (unemployed, kids in college, etc..) and just because one family can't contribute as much, doesn't mean they should be disrepected.

Our guest list is split 56% for my family/friends although the friends are joint at this point but I come from a large Italian family and it wasn't an issue. And even though we are paying for the whole wedding we still included our parents good friends over our friends and even though I hate his mom's best friend (she is judgmental and a biatch), there was no question not to include her because his mom is now my mom and I would never do that to family.

And finally, if you are allowing someone else to pay for your party, you have no right to complain about anything they pick. It would be nice if they were considerate but you chose to take the help instead of pay for it yourself or scale down the wedding. At that point, you don't have a right to complain about strangers at your wedding as it is also your/his parents party that they worked hard to pay for.

 

[mrscushion]

FI and I put the guest list together, with input from both parental sides. It's split 30% my family and my parents' friends, 30% his family and his parents' friends, and 30% our friends. Both families have very even numbers and both have desired guests that are currently being left off the guest list because of space constraints.

My parents are paying for most of the wedding and surrounding activities at my DW -- I pay for about 20% (the things that matter most to me). The in-laws are paying for a (big) rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/3/2010 12:50:46 PM
Author: nkarma
Some of the posts on this thread and in other threads on this subject are a bit disconcerting. It is not any one post, but I really don''t get the my/his parents aren''t paying they don''t get a say or their names on the invites or whatever. Well isn''t it because of the tradition that parents pay for the wedding that the bride and groom are letting them pay in the first place? Shouldn''t you also honor the tradition of respecting your parents, you know the people who raised you and supported you? We are all adults here and hopefully can pay for a wedding that is within our means without the parents. But a lot of times you hear of people accepting the money and then bitching that my family paid more than his or his family is paying for nothing, so why should they get a say in anything.

Also, isn''t the whole marriage thing about becoming part of each other''s family. Just because so and so isn''t paying, you can''t treat them with the respect they deserve as your future husband''s/wife''s parents and include their close family or friends. Just like everything else in marriage, nothing is going to be split 50/50. Some people have more family than others, that''s inevitable. It is also inevitable that one family has more money than the other and different economic strains (unemployed, kids in college, etc..) and just because one family can''t contribute as much, doesn''t mean they should be disrepected.

Our guest list is split 56% for my family/friends although the friends are joint at this point but I come from a large Italian family and it wasn''t an issue. And even though we are paying for the whole wedding we still included our parents good friends over our friends and even though I hate his mom''s best friend (she is judgmental and a biatch), there was no question not to include her because his mom is now my mom and I would never do that to family.

And finally, if you are allowing someone else to pay for your party, you have no right to complain about anything they pick. It would be nice if they were considerate but you chose to take the help instead of pay for it yourself or scale down the wedding. At that point, you don''t have a right to complain about strangers at your wedding as it is also your/his parents party that they worked hard to pay for.

This is an awesome post

 

[Rock_of_Love]

You can talk all you want about the joining of families, etc. etc., but facts are facts and money is a BIG issue when it comes to the guest list. Cutting or adding guests is probably the largest expense at a wedding and you have to control the list somehow...not just have a free for all! (Unless of course you want that!)

I think it would be difficult to go 50/50 regardless of if there is a 50/50 split for costs. Inevitably one side will be larger than the other. IMO, I think you should still
ultimately be in charge of the guest list regardless of who it paying...with some caveats.

So, what we ended up doing is asking each side for a list, and then my FI and I discussed each side''s list together. We went through and either made allowances for one reason or another or crossed people off.

Because my parents ended up helping us with a good amount of the costs, we did allow some additional liberties into who they wanted to invite, which included some distant friends and relatives that we would not have invited had we been paying for the whole thing.

Regardless of who is paying and how much, I don''t think there is anything wrong with letting either side know that both you and your man are just not comfortable having people there that you don''t really know.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 3/4/2010 2:10:02 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
You can talk all you want about the joining of families, etc. etc., but facts are facts and money is a BIG issue when it comes to the guest list. Cutting or adding guests is probably the largest expense at a wedding and you have to control the list somehow...not just have a free for all! (Unless of course you want that!)

I think it would be difficult to go 50/50 regardless of if there is a 50/50 split for costs. Inevitably one side will be larger than the other. IMO, I think you should still
ultimately be in charge of the guest list regardless of who it paying...with some caveats.

So, what we ended up doing is asking each side for a list, and then my FI and I discussed each side''s list together. We went through and either made allowances for one reason or another or crossed people off.

Because my parents ended up helping us with a good amount of the costs, we did allow some additional liberties into who they wanted to invite, which included some distant friends and relatives that we would not have invited had we been paying for the whole thing.

Regardless of who is paying and how much, I don''t think there is anything wrong with letting either side know that both you and your man are just not comfortable having people there that you don''t really know.

Amen!