Who is deciding your inlaws guest list?

[caribqueen]

Date: 3/4/2010 1:42:21 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 3/3/2010 12:50:46 PM
Author: nkarma
Some of the posts on this thread and in other threads on this subject are a bit disconcerting. It is not any one post, but I really don''t get the my/his parents aren''t paying they don''t get a say or their names on the invites or whatever. Well isn''t it because of the tradition that parents pay for the wedding that the bride and groom are letting them pay in the first place? Shouldn''t you also honor the tradition of respecting your parents, you know the people who raised you and supported you? We are all adults here and hopefully can pay for a wedding that is within our means without the parents. But a lot of times you hear of people accepting the money and then bitching that my family paid more than his or his family is paying for nothing, so why should they get a say in anything.

Also, isn''t the whole marriage thing about becoming part of each other''s family. Just because so and so isn''t paying, you can''t treat them with the respect they deserve as your future husband''s/wife''s parents and include their close family or friends. Just like everything else in marriage, nothing is going to be split 50/50. Some people have more family than others, that''s inevitable. It is also inevitable that one family has more money than the other and different economic strains (unemployed, kids in college, etc..) and just because one family can''t contribute as much, doesn''t mean they should be disrepected.

Our guest list is split 56% for my family/friends although the friends are joint at this point but I come from a large Italian family and it wasn''t an issue. And even though we are paying for the whole wedding we still included our parents good friends over our friends and even though I hate his mom''s best friend (she is judgmental and a biatch), there was no question not to include her because his mom is now my mom and I would never do that to family.

And finally, if you are allowing someone else to pay for your party, you have no right to complain about anything they pick. It would be nice if they were considerate but you chose to take the help instead of pay for it yourself or scale down the wedding. At that point, you don''t have a right to complain about strangers at your wedding as it is also your/his parents party that they worked hard to pay for.

This is an awesome post

I relate to this post a lot because I do come from a family where the wedding focus is on the families uniting not just the bride and groom. In my case, my parents are hosting. My family is not from the U.S. but in fact the Caribbean and weddings are done a little different culturally. They are not just about the bride and groom but are a big family celebration and event. (Many times guests will continue to celebrate the day after the wedding when the bride and groom have long gone on their honeymoon).

I also happen to have a big family so it was no question that there would be people there that I don''t know. When you come from another country and a cousin ends up in L.A., another one in Chicago and another in Switzerland, that''s normal for us, but still important to keep that family connection. In my family, weddings give people a chance to reconnect and fellowship. I''m happy to meet family I don''t know and also to celebrate with people like friends of my parents who have supported and in many cases are now contributing in some way or another to my big day, whether financially, or physically, or just through emotional support.

It also helps that my FMIL gave us a list well thought out and reasonable. We did not have to ask her to cut.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 3/3/2010 12:02:27 PM
Author: Carats
No we agreed from the beginning to split 50/50.

Now MIL is sending emails because she wants to invite the kids of all these random friends - and meanwhile we can''t even invite people that we know, that are important to us?!? I don''t think its unreasonable for us to agree on having her friends but putting a stop to the kids of the friends. What do you all think??

Okay this is just ridiculous. I get that both sets of parents are contributing, but if you''re unable to invite people that actually matter to you, your FMIL shouldn''t be inviting random friends, let alone the random friends'' CHILDREN. Your fiance needs to put his foot down. (It will be better if it comes from him.)

My husband and I made up the guest list of our friends and family and then our parents each had a few friends they wanted to invite that we weren''t particularly close to. However, their friend invites weren''t keeping us from inviting anyone we wanted there.

I think a little chat with the FMIL is in order.