Wedding date blues

[allycat0303]

Hey Ladies,

Well I''ve been a bit down about this for a few days, so I finally thought I would post to see what you ladies think. So my boyfriend and I just got engaged, and we naturally started talking about wedding dates. Initially, I said that I wanted to have it in one or two years (with 2 years being the preference).

But last week, Icekid pointed out that in two years, I would be taking the US medical liscencing board exams (I live in Canada, and was iffy on if I should, but I''ve pretty much decided that I will.) So 2007 was ruled out. So my boyfriend suggested next year (this was his preference) but my cousin, who is really close to me is Mormon, and on a mission, so he won''t be back by next year. So 2006 was ruled out. So then we said in 3 years, 2008. But then I realized that I will be in the clinical portion of med school. I don''t know how it is in US, but here, we are required to pull a FULL 24 hour shift, once a week, EVERY week. So 2008 was ruled out because there is a two week summer break, and I don''t know when I would plan this thing. OK, so that leaves us with Summer 2009.

Now honestly, I said I didn''t mind waiting, but something about 2009 seems REALLY far off. My boyfriend said we could do it in 2008 and he would plan the whole thing for me. Which well....I''m sure you ladies can figure out why I''m not terribly thrilled with the idea.

I don''t know, it depresses me. I feel like I''ll never have time to plan this thing. I''m not the kind of student that can split my attention. I mean since school started on August 23, I haven''t done anything. No resturant, no movie, haven''t watched a TV show, and I have library books that are a MONTH late. I''m feeling overwhelmed and I can''t imagine how I would even think of planning a wedding. Sorry for the whining ladies, I just don''t know when this is going to get done.

 

[Scintillating]

Ohh Ally! That''s awful. I know it feels like you won''t get it sorted out but you will.
Everything will come together. It does sound like you have a rough couple years coming up.
Any chance your cousin could take a break from mission and come see you wed next year?
(I don''t know a lot about this.) Maybe you could wed in a couple months and just do something quick?

Scintillating...

 

[icekid]

Ally- med school definitely makes it tough to get married!!

We are planning to do it at the beginning of my 4th year, b/c 4th year for us is a lot easier than third. Also, I believe we get a month of vacation 3rd and 4th year, so I can schedule that around the wedding.

The administration at my school is really helpful with planning these things out. I know people who had babies 4th year even! My suggestion is to ask your student affairs office (do you have an advisor?) and see what the recommend. It will work out, promise!

 

[allycat0303]

Scintillating, Thanks for replying so fast! I have to admit, I''m trying to study and feeling really down.

I wish my cousin could come home! Mormon missionaries are not even allowed to CALL HOME! For two years, they are isolated from family except for letters.

I feel like I am caught in a bad place, my mom wants a HUGE wedding. Since we are Vietnamese and I am marrying a white guy, I can''t do a quick/small wedding because then the WHOLE Vietnamese community will "talk" about how I was pregnent, or that my boyfriend was ashamed of me, etc.

I don''t know what to do anymore. And my boyfriend is totally unhappy with the situation too, so we''re both down in the dumps.

 

[Mara]

Just do it in 2008! (Which still seems a long ways away to me!!) I''d rather be married sooner rather than later to my mate even if the wedding wasn''t as great as I''d like it to be. It''s really about what happens after anyway!

 

[decodelighted]

Elope. Immediately. Don''t look back.

Seriously, you''ve got to relax Allycat. IMO you seem to drive yourself crazy nearly daily. Maybe it''s your nature, but it can''t be good for ya! Have you tried yoga? Meditation? That kind of focused relaxation might take the edge off and make everything seem less "important".

Nothing''s perfect. Not much that''s worthwhile is easy to obtain. Only you can figure out your (both of your) priorities. If it were me: I''d pick 2006, invite the cousin, but if he can''t make it - it''s HIS life. You''ve got to get on with yours when it works for you as a couple. I guarantee that ANY date you pick, SOMEONE important won''t be able to make it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh ... I''m in a "call it like you see it" mood.

 

[Mara]

Date: 9/28/2005 2:11:15 PM
Author: decodelighted
Elope. Immediately. Don''t look back.

Seriously, you''ve got to relax Allycat. IMO you seem to drive yourself crazy nearly daily. Maybe it''s your nature, but it can''t be good for ya! Have you tried yoga? Meditation? That kind of focused relaxation might take the edge off and make everything seem less ''important''.

Nothing''s perfect. Not much that''s worthwhile is easy to obtain. Only you can figure out your (both of your) priorities. If it were me: I''d pick 2006, invite the cousin, but if he can''t make it - it''s HIS life. You''ve got to get on with yours when it works for you as a couple. I guarantee that ANY date you pick, SOMEONE important won''t be able to make it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh ... I''m in a ''call it like you see it'' mood.

Haha Deco sometimes I think you are my long-lost twin...

I actually agree wholeheartedly...don''t stress yourself out over things beyond your control. That''s just LIFE.

Personally I''d never want to wait til 2008 or 2009 to get married..our 1.25 year engagement was just right. I''d do something fun with just you two and then maybe have a big re-vow type thing in 2009 or 2010 when you are all squared away. But don''t get hung up on the wedding part of it personally.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

What if you get married in 2008 but wait to take your honeymoon until 2009? That way it won''t effect your 24 hr shifts.

 

[E B]

I have to agree with decodelighted, however difficult it may be. It sounds as if you're having too much trouble picking which year (yikes!) and it sounds like 2006 would be best. If you're close with your cousin, I'm sure he wouldn't want you putting your wedding off for years because he's off on his mission. If I were you, I'd plan for 2006, and I'd make a special wedding album just for your cousin. Have an empty seat with his name at the table, photograph it, and let him know you desperately wanted him to be there, and that you felt him there in spirit. However, If having your cousin at your wedding is worth waiting a couple years, then go with what you want the most.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

This isn't even me stressed. I think you guys would laugh if you saw me stressed. I'm actually really depressed about all this.

Both me and my boyfriend agreee that 2006 can't be done because of my cousin. It's not even a question. For my boyfriend and I there are 15 people in our lives that we care about, and they are the one's that count. Everyone else, we couldn't care less about.

We've settled on 2009. That's what we're going to do. But 2009 is a long way off.

Actually Decoded wasn't off, I want to elope. If my parents wouldn't disown me, we would have done it last weekend. (YES we talked about it. My boyfriend was even checking on the net to find out what would make it valid in Quebec).

It's not even about the honeymoon. I saw my boyfriend's sister plan a wedding, and from what I see, it sounds like a lot of work. And I don't want to do it. But I don't want my boyfriend too either, cause we'd end up with Hockey skates as table center peice.

I'm thinking that since my parents are so set on a circus wedding then my mom should plan it. I feel bad saying it, but if it weren't for her, I'd have a 20 person wedding in a tiny country church (My dream wedding), and a little party at my house with my family and his. It would take me about 3 hours to plan.

So everything is getting me down. I'm going to have to plan a 250+ person wedding (which I REALLY DON'T WANT), but my mom is ADAMENT ON, and because of it, I'm going to have to wait until 2009.

Honestly, all suggestions sound reasonable, but it's my culture that's messing everything up. I can't do a small wedding because people will talk (which would devestate my Mom, eventhough I couldn't care less). And if we elope we can't live together because it would be SO wrong (and boy would the community have a field day with that one). I just don't really want to be Vietnamese at this point. It's messing my life up.

 

[E B]

Ally,

What if you did both? After all, it is your wedding, and I don''t see why you couldn''t have two ceremonies. You could have the small country wedding of your dreams, and then another ceremony, big, for your parents and the community. A friend of mine did that as well, as a compromise with her husband. They had a church wedding for him, and a spanish wedding ceremony for her. Two different days, different attire, the works.

 

[abradabra]

Personally, I think shorter engagements are better than longer ones. My husband and I were so ready to just be married already by the end of planning, etc. I can''t imagine if we had to wait 3-4 years!

I just want to echo what certain other posters have said. I wouldn''t plan your wedding around one person. I mean, you could wait until your cousin''s mission was over and then for one reason or another, he STILL might not be able to make your wedding. Also, since you mentioned that your family will insist on a large wedding--you should keep in mind that the actual day of your wedding is a whirlwind and you wget to spend much time with him the day of your wedding anyway.

But that''s just what I would do.

For you, you should do what you think is best. If you are super organized, you can plan the bulk of your 2007-2009 wedding during summer vacations, etc. and just leave your hubby in charge of last minute details. That way you still planned it, but you don''t have to worry about it during the day of.

 

[decodelighted]

I want to elope. If my parents wouldn''t disown me, we would have done it last weekend. ....if it weren''t for her, I''d have a 20 person wedding in a tiny country church (My dream wedding), and a little party at my house with my family and his. It would take me about 3 hours to plan.

You''ve got ME stressed Ally! I just ate a whole dern box of those ice cream bon bon things!

Maybe it''s my age (3 or years of therapy (5) but I really think this wedding thing should be between you & him -- everyone else: community, friends, & even Mom are just onlookers that should be happy for you whatever you choose.

If you worry about pleasing everyone else ... it won''t work anyway, because you can''t please everyone - no matter how hard you try. So do yourself & your fiance a BIG favor & quit trying. Please yourselves. Have your dream country church three hour planned wedding. Let ''em talk, gripe, grumble all they want. They''re not living your life. They''ve just got too much time on their hands.

And -- harsh again -- IMHO, if you''re not ready to stop putting your family/community''s wishes before your & your fiance''s -- you ain''t ready to BE married.

And this old chestnut: "You''d worry a lot less about what people think about you if you realized how seldomly the did."

Don''t drive me to the mint girl scout cookies, Ally. I''ll do it. Oh, I''ll do it.

 

[allycat0303]

Ebree! I've never even thought of having two ceremonies

. It's cheering me up. One that counts (15 people) and a ceremony+ reception for the prying, gossiping eyes.

It basically comes down to this: I'm depressed that my parents/culture's demands mean I'm going to have to wait until 2009 (and that I'm going to have a CIRCUS wedding). I'm a family/quiet/shy girl. Can you imagine being forced to greet 250+ guests (that are going to be watching me like a hawk) in Vietnamese??

I just had this image of what I wanted my wedding to be (small, intmate), and you should have HEARD what my parents said about that. The discussion got so ugly, nasty, and by the end of the day, they had decided on something that I'm totally uncomfortable with.

Decodedelight: Go for the mints

. Honestly, I don't care. I couldn't care that much because there is no way a good little Viet girl would marry a white guy. It's really badly viewed upon in my culture. But my parents care, and I love and respect my parents. And so my boyfriend and I, both don't want to hurt or offend them (or cause them to feel ashamed) Culutre is complicated, it's not so easy to just do what you want.

I'm not offended that you don't think that I'm ready to get married, you are entitled to that opinion (and I'm not saying that in a mean, I'm actually peeved kind of way) I think it's very difficult for someone who wasn't raised in Vietnamese culture to understand the position that family (especially parents) hold for us. In American society, it might be a sign of immaturity to bow to your parents wishes, because American's are a strongly individualistic. In contrast, Vietnamese people are more family structured (you are fully expected to sacrifice your wishes in order to fullfill family obligations). It's considered the right thing to do (and even more, the mature thing to do) In any case my problem is that I'm don't feel like I'm really Viet, and I don't really feel like I'm Canadian. So I don't take either role easily.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the advice.

 

[Mara]

I know the cultures are hugely different but the wedding is about YOU TWO. NO ONE ELSE. Sorry but families get a SAY and that's about it. I know that in certain cultures it's different, but personally I agree with what Deco said re: if you aren't ready to stop catering to your family then you may not be ready to get married. I think that you should put you two first. That's just my personality...I know it may not fly for everyone. But I refused to bow to what my family wanted (aka larger local wedding) and we did what we wanted and anyone who wanted to come and meant something to us could. IT worked out great but we didn't have any pesky cultural issues either.

Personally I say do what makes you feel best, you don't want to be totally uncomfortable at your wedding. Your families should understand...even if they don't..they should try.

 

[MelissaSue]

Ally - Why not just go ahead and have the wedding next year? I understand the cousin thing, but like someone else said, there is ALWAYS going to be someone who can''t come, even with four years notice (do you really want to wait FOUR YEARS to get married?) I don''t know.. I am having a long engagement of 1.5 years, and its a LONG TIME! I guess I just can''t understand waiting that long.. maybe the two ceremony thing is a good idea.. get married now, elope.. and then let your family plan the giant wedding they want for you in a few years. It can be like a renewing of your vows or something.

 

[Scintillating]

Talk to your parents about your feelings - and how much you want to marry your sweetie - and how hard waiting to marry would be. Have open honest discussion about your feelings, your NEEDS, your goals, and your desires. You never know - you parents might be really responsive - especially when they see how important it is to you. Talk from your heart, let them know how heavily their desires for your wedding are weighing on you.

Let us know how it goes.

Scintillating...

 

[Faerievert]

Could you just have your dream wedding sometime very soon, and then plan on a big renewal of vows in 2009? You and your mother would both get the parties you want, and you wouldn''t have to wait three years to get hitched. I seriously doubt your cousin would want to be the cause of ruining you chance at having the wedding of your dreams. Maybe you could find a way for your cousin to record a short video to show at your ceremony - doing a reading or sending you a special message of well wishes. Then they would still be involved, and could play a larger part in the 2009 ceremony.

 

[MelissaSue]

PS - I don''t agree with the others about "if you are so concerned with what your family/culture wants you''re not ready to be married" THATS RIDICULOUS. Weddings are ABOUT family, they''re about blending families, blending cultures. My family and my fiance''s family is PAYING for our wedding so yeah.. we care what they think! Even if they weren''t.. We''d still care what they think! They''re our FAMILY thats what family is all about.
I completely understand wanting to make your family happy and to honor your cultures traditions. And I see how you can feel torn between that and what you want.. that doesn''t make you not ready to be married..

 

[Scintillating]

Date: 9/28/2005 3:17:42 PM
Author: MelissaSue
PS - I don't agree with the others about 'if you are so concerned with what your family/culture wants you're not ready to be married' THATS RIDICULOUS. Weddings are ABOUT family, they're about blending families, blending cultures. My family and my fiance's family is PAYING for our wedding so yeah.. we care what they think! Even if they weren't.. We'd still care what they think! They're our FAMILY thats what family is all about.

I completely understand wanting to make your family happy and to honor your cultures traditions. And I see how you can feel torn between that and what you want.. that doesn't make you not ready to be married..

I agree Melissa Sue - Wedding are indeed about families. I just don't know what you should do when your family won't even hear your thoughts/feelings/needs. Deco is also right, you can never please everyone. I guess Ally just has to decide where her priorities are, getting married soon, pleasing the family and following tradition, having the wedding of HER dreams, having her cousin there. It's the eternal bride problem, how to balance your priorities with everyone elses.

If your priorities are superseded by your family's priorities then there is a BIG problem - and that's not okay. (and shouldn't be!)

Scintillating...

 

[Tybee]

Decodelighted,
You are hilarious!
Ally, get married, do it soon! I''m sure that your cousin wouldn''t want you to wait years! Talk to your cousin, I''m sure that she(or he, i must have missed said cousin''s gender) would also insist that you not wait
It seems to me that the longer you wait, the more stressed you will become!

 

[BrightSpot]

I think it's a great idea to have your small, country dream wedding YOUR way, then if your mom wants to plan a big circus wedding for her friends & family, fine. You'll show up. But the hassle of planning it will be on her shoulders & shouldn't get in the way of your studies. That way you & your mom both get the celebrations you want & you get to marry your sweetie sooner!

Maybe you could talk to your folks & tell them that you realize how important your cultural traditions are & you want to honor them....but you also have a very busy schedule & want to be with your sweetie as soon as possible...and present this as a way to do both! (Also, your cousin could attend the ceremony/reception in 2009)

ETA: I agree w/ Tybee--seems the longer you wait, the more stressed you'll become. If you get married now & have your dream wedding, maybe you could let the stress of the big circus wedding roll off your back w/ the knowledge that you've already had your dream wedding.

And Deco, you are indeed hilarious!

 

[Mara]

Date: 9/28/2005 3:17:42 PM
Author: MelissaSue
PS - I don't agree with the others about 'if you are so concerned with what your family/culture wants you're not ready to be married' THATS RIDICULOUS. Weddings are ABOUT family, they're about blending families, blending cultures. My family and my fiance's family is PAYING for our wedding so yeah.. we care what they think! Even if they weren't.. We'd still care what they think! They're our FAMILY thats what family is all about.
I completely understand wanting to make your family happy and to honor your cultures traditions. And I see how you can feel torn between that and what you want.. that doesn't make you not ready to be married..

IMO and I know this is a difference of personality and in ally's case, culture, but of course we CARED what our families wanted but it did not mean that we did what they wanted just because. We are adults who were joining our lives together, WE made the decision. Also part of the reason we decided to pay for the whole thing ourselves was so that no one else could impose their demands and requirements on us or guilt us into doing what they wanted. But that is just how we are, we are very independent and we also are older and have been on our own for a long time, and while family is very important to us, in the end it was about us two and OUR requirements for our wedding.

However, I can see where culture plays in and it's hard, that high respect you have for your family can sometimes 'interfere' with what you'd really want to do. BUT still I feel like you have to be happy about what is going to happen in the end and that may take you putting your foot down and standing up to your family and ending up with something that pleases YOU TWO. Sometimes families have a hard time letting go of their kids and that 'control', esp in other cultures, and I firmly believe that this is the time to assert yourself and your 'adult' personality and do what makes you both happiest. You have to start putting you and your husband (your *new* family unit) FIRST .... that's part of what marriage is about IMO. Having done it for almost 2 years, that is my imparted wisdom.

The funny thing is that in the end, it's JUST a wedding. Having been through it all not too long ago all the drama at the time (aka what parents wanted, and destination wedding options, etc) seems so distant. The wedding is just a day and the rest of your lives begins then.

 

[allycat0303]

Scintillating, MelissaSue, Thanks for the encourgagement Actually, I wrote this above, cause I wanted to say that I'm not offended. But you girls seem to understand that I'm feeling torn between the two cultures. Maybe I'm not expressing it well. I tried to talk to my parents last weekend, and it went terribly, I just really felt like I realized how much this means to them (especially my mom) It makes it almost impossible to say no.

But I DO appreciate all the advice, Mara, Decodedelight, I know where you ladies are coming from too. It's what makes it so messy because I understand both points of view (and my boyfriend is like me, he respects the Viet way, and my parents, but he wants it done fast).


I'm not offended that you don't think that I'm ready to get married, you are entitled to that opinion (and I'm not saying that in a mean, I'm actually peeved kind of way) I think it's very difficult for someone who wasn't raised in Vietnamese culture to understand the position that family (especially parents) hold for us. In American society, it might be a sign of immaturity to bow to your parents wishes, because American's are a strongly individualistic. In contrast, Vietnamese people are more family structured (you are fully expected to sacrifice your wishes in order to fullfill family obligations). It's considered the right thing to do (and even more, the mature thing to do) In any case my problem is that I'm don't feel like I'm really Viet, and I don't really feel like I'm Canadian. So I don't take either role easily.

 

[E B]

Date: 9/28/2005 3:17:26 PM
Author: Faerievert
Could you just have your dream wedding sometime very soon, and then plan on a big renewal of vows in 2009? You and your mother would both get the parties you want, and you wouldn't have to wait three years to get hitched. I seriously doubt your cousin would want to be the cause of ruining you chance at having the wedding of your dreams. Maybe you could find a way for your cousin to record a short video to show at your ceremony - doing a reading or sending you a special message of well wishes. Then they would still be involved, and could play a larger part in the 2009 ceremony.

See, this is what I was thinking. While it is depressing that your family is making this about them, they are your family, and I understand your wanting to make everyone happy.

The question(s), now, is this: Is it important that your cousin comes to the small wedding, or just that he's able to come to one of them? If the latter, I'd plan your beautiful country wedding for 2006. Would this be something your family would be okay with? It'd be something you could use as a compromise. Your parents could say you had a small ceremony at his (your fiance's) parents wishes (hey, it could be a pretty good excuse!), and a large wedding is planned for 2009. Does this sound do-able?

 

[fancyrock]

allycat0303 - I feel your frustration. When it comes to a wedding... there are sooo much to considered. But ultimately, this is YOUR wedding and you should have it the way YOU have imagined. If you don''t have time to plan as much as you''d like, then make a list of all your family and friends w/ their skills and talent and ask them to help you. Usually a wedding takes a team of people to make it happen (few cases they did it all by themselves, Hooray to them!!). So... don''t be depress so early on. Enjoy the moment of your wonderful engagement.

Consider a sooner, but smaller wedding. It''s possible to plan a real nice wedding in 6 months. My husband and I planned it in 5 months.

and it turned out way better than we thought!!

Don''t feel down.... Chin UP, hand OUT... show off that ring of yours!!!!!!

 

[curlygirl]

Yikes, this is a tough one. Ally, you need to bite the bullet and get married in 2006. Given the circumstances, I''m sure your cousin will understand. For your own sanity, you do NOT want to be engaged for 4 years. You will honestly go crazy. My engagement is going to be 10 months total and I''m freaking out because I just want to be married already--then again, I''m 34 and I have ticking clock issues. But really, the easiest solution would be to do it next year. You''ll have to suck it up and do the big wedding to honor your family and your culture, but ultimately, you''ll be marrying the man you love who gave you a gorgeous Leon masterpiece and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Why not get it started now instead of waiting? Don''t make it harder for yourself...

 

[decodelighted]

< For your own sanity, you do NOT want to be engaged for 4 years. You will honestly go crazy. Don''t make it harder for yourself...

(Through a mouthful of minty crumbs) This is an excellent point! It''s like putting off something you know you "have" to do, just creates more stress. The longer away it is, the longer you''ll have to worry about it! Rip that wedding bandage off quick-like & enjoy the rest of your life with that super cute sweetie of yours!!!!!!

Also, even though the first sit down with your parents didn''t so smoothly, they might just need some time to adjust their expectations. If you firmly state your desires over and over, with some compromises to their wishes, they may come around more then you''re now expecting they will. If they''re as traditional as you say they are - I''m sure they weren''t exactly tickled pink by "white boy" when he showed up on your arm. But now they love him, right??

One more Dr Phil-ism to chew on: Better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Crunch, crunch. (That was the cookies, not the saying)

 

[lilyinct]

Ally- Sorry this is such a hard time for you. Just keep your faith that everything will turn out okay- whatever you choose to do...

by the way, is a circus wedding really a circus wedding? Acrobats and elephants and midgets?

 

[Jelly]

Ally,

I''m so sorry to hear about your wedding date blues! From reading your other threads, you seem like such a sweet girl...you don''t need this kind of stress in your life!! Weddings should be a joyful occassion and I hate to think that you and your fiance are down in the dumps because you can''t find a good time to get married.

I''m sure your cousin loves you enough and will be sympathetic that your life cannot be at a stand still while he is on his mission. You can mention him in a toast and videotape it so he can watch later.

Waiting is okay too, but apparently this is adding a lot of stress which is not worth it. Unfortunately no PERFECT time exists.

Stephanie