Hudson_Hawk
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2006
- Messages
- 10,541
Warning...long vent
So ladies and gents, question for discussion this afternoon:
How did you approach the dreaded budget subject with your parents?
A little background:
My parents divorced when I was young-6ish. I have 1 brother with my Mom and Dad and he''s older with no plans for marriage at this time. My parents have since remarried. My mom''s side now has a 1/2 brother (freshman in HS) as well as a step-brother and step-sister. SB is much older and married, and SS is my age, but with no plans for marriage any time soon. My dad''s side has 3 step sibs, 2 SS''s who are married and older and one SB who is just out of HS but didn''t go to college. With the exception of my little brother (the 1/2) neither parent supports us kids.
Several months ago, FI and I had dinner with my mom. We were talking about getting our new car (MG Miget) as it''s something FI has always wanted. I was torn, because I knew that we''d be getting engaged, and I thought we should put that $$ in savings towards the wedding. I say as much at dinner, and my mom chimes in, "Oh do it now when you''re young and you can, I''ll take care of your wedding." The money we had for this expenditure was an inheritance FI received. It was his money and he was as torn as I was about how to use it.
Now, FI and I were both taken aback, because while my mom is a great person and a fabulous mom, it seemed a little out of character for her (for example my mother hasn''t paid for anything for me since I left the house at 1. I never assumed that my parents would be paying for my wedding entirely, but I was psyched when I heard this. But that''s as far as the conversation went at that time.
So fast forward 2 months, we buy the car, we get engaged, and my parents are thrilled, yadda yadda yadda. I started emailing my mom with ideas for the wedding-nothing outrageous, just a link to the venue and some dress ideas, and she sends me an email one day asking my if we had given any thought to our budget. So I reply saying that I had been hoping to have the money conversation sometime in the near future when we could be together in person, versus doing it over email. I said nothing was set in stone, but that it looked like it would end up being around $20-25k (which is on the lower end of average for the Northeast where we live). She didn''t reply for about 2 days.
2 days later I send her an email asking if everything was okay. She replied asking how much I owed in student loans. Now, I put myself through college so my student loans (for undergrad and grad) are astronomical at the moment (about 100k). But they''re also differed until 2010 (with a fab interest rate for the life of the loans). This student loan vs. wedding thing has NEVER come up in the past, but I can see where her concern is coming from and how she''s weighing the use of her money. We already own our house, so a down-payment isn''t needed, and with the exception of our mortgage, which is manageable, and my loans, we''re not in debt. I would prefer to have the money for the wedding at this point because we''ll end up in debt if we have to pay for the wedding ourselves. I gently explained that the money could be better used elsewhere at this point.
So within that email, I went on to describe more in detail the financial aspect of my ideas, what would hurt cost-wise (caterer, photog) and where I wanted to work on saving money (flowers, dress, etc). It was a very well thought out and diplomatic email. I also stated in that email that I never intended for her (or both my parents) to pay for my entire wedding, but that financial help would be appreciated. That was a week ago and I haven''t heard anything back from her...
So now I don''t know how or where to pick up the conversation or any conversation. I haven''t spoken to her at all. To be honest, it''s kind of taking the fun out of being engaged. I''m stressed because now I''m trying to figure out how we''re going to host a wedding that''s mostly made up of my mom''s side of the family on our own. I can''t put deposits down, because there''s a chance we won''t be able to do the wedding where we want to (if we have to pay for it ourselves). Ideally it would be nice if my mom handled the cost of the caterer and my dad the venue rental and the photographer. They''re basically the same amount of money. But I have no idea how to open the conversation with my mom again, and then start the conversation with my dad. I''ve never been one to ask for money, not even $20 for gas so it''s really akward for me.
I hope this doesn''t make me out to be a spoiled, entitled, brat, because I''m the furthest thing from it. I understand that $20-25k is a lot of money to spend on a wedding and the marriage isn''t about the wedding. However, my family wouldn''t be cool with us eloping or doing a destination wedding with a few close friends. The 80 of my family members on the guest list are obligatory guests. There are maybe 20 friends and their significant others, and half of those are the wedding party. The rest is FI''s family.
How do I start this conversation in a constructive way that allow us to come to a compromise?
I''m trying to approach this as an adult, but the inner princess in me wants to stomp her feet and cry.
So ladies and gents, question for discussion this afternoon:
How did you approach the dreaded budget subject with your parents?
A little background:
My parents divorced when I was young-6ish. I have 1 brother with my Mom and Dad and he''s older with no plans for marriage at this time. My parents have since remarried. My mom''s side now has a 1/2 brother (freshman in HS) as well as a step-brother and step-sister. SB is much older and married, and SS is my age, but with no plans for marriage any time soon. My dad''s side has 3 step sibs, 2 SS''s who are married and older and one SB who is just out of HS but didn''t go to college. With the exception of my little brother (the 1/2) neither parent supports us kids.
Several months ago, FI and I had dinner with my mom. We were talking about getting our new car (MG Miget) as it''s something FI has always wanted. I was torn, because I knew that we''d be getting engaged, and I thought we should put that $$ in savings towards the wedding. I say as much at dinner, and my mom chimes in, "Oh do it now when you''re young and you can, I''ll take care of your wedding." The money we had for this expenditure was an inheritance FI received. It was his money and he was as torn as I was about how to use it.
Now, FI and I were both taken aback, because while my mom is a great person and a fabulous mom, it seemed a little out of character for her (for example my mother hasn''t paid for anything for me since I left the house at 1. I never assumed that my parents would be paying for my wedding entirely, but I was psyched when I heard this. But that''s as far as the conversation went at that time.
So fast forward 2 months, we buy the car, we get engaged, and my parents are thrilled, yadda yadda yadda. I started emailing my mom with ideas for the wedding-nothing outrageous, just a link to the venue and some dress ideas, and she sends me an email one day asking my if we had given any thought to our budget. So I reply saying that I had been hoping to have the money conversation sometime in the near future when we could be together in person, versus doing it over email. I said nothing was set in stone, but that it looked like it would end up being around $20-25k (which is on the lower end of average for the Northeast where we live). She didn''t reply for about 2 days.
2 days later I send her an email asking if everything was okay. She replied asking how much I owed in student loans. Now, I put myself through college so my student loans (for undergrad and grad) are astronomical at the moment (about 100k). But they''re also differed until 2010 (with a fab interest rate for the life of the loans). This student loan vs. wedding thing has NEVER come up in the past, but I can see where her concern is coming from and how she''s weighing the use of her money. We already own our house, so a down-payment isn''t needed, and with the exception of our mortgage, which is manageable, and my loans, we''re not in debt. I would prefer to have the money for the wedding at this point because we''ll end up in debt if we have to pay for the wedding ourselves. I gently explained that the money could be better used elsewhere at this point.
So within that email, I went on to describe more in detail the financial aspect of my ideas, what would hurt cost-wise (caterer, photog) and where I wanted to work on saving money (flowers, dress, etc). It was a very well thought out and diplomatic email. I also stated in that email that I never intended for her (or both my parents) to pay for my entire wedding, but that financial help would be appreciated. That was a week ago and I haven''t heard anything back from her...
So now I don''t know how or where to pick up the conversation or any conversation. I haven''t spoken to her at all. To be honest, it''s kind of taking the fun out of being engaged. I''m stressed because now I''m trying to figure out how we''re going to host a wedding that''s mostly made up of my mom''s side of the family on our own. I can''t put deposits down, because there''s a chance we won''t be able to do the wedding where we want to (if we have to pay for it ourselves). Ideally it would be nice if my mom handled the cost of the caterer and my dad the venue rental and the photographer. They''re basically the same amount of money. But I have no idea how to open the conversation with my mom again, and then start the conversation with my dad. I''ve never been one to ask for money, not even $20 for gas so it''s really akward for me.
I hope this doesn''t make me out to be a spoiled, entitled, brat, because I''m the furthest thing from it. I understand that $20-25k is a lot of money to spend on a wedding and the marriage isn''t about the wedding. However, my family wouldn''t be cool with us eloping or doing a destination wedding with a few close friends. The 80 of my family members on the guest list are obligatory guests. There are maybe 20 friends and their significant others, and half of those are the wedding party. The rest is FI''s family.
How do I start this conversation in a constructive way that allow us to come to a compromise?
I''m trying to approach this as an adult, but the inner princess in me wants to stomp her feet and cry.