So sad and frustrated about this

[Treasure43]

So today FI comes home and tells me that his mother told him that his sister calls her up after times we''re together and says she feels like I don''t like her. Apparently his aunt has mentioned this also. Now, FSIL and I didn''t get off to the best start. She''s very dramatic and high maintaince and sometimes she comes across not very nice. My MOH actually commented on this as well. There''s also he fact that my FI''s mother basically told me when I was planning the wedding that if I didn''t put FSIL in the wedding, it would cause a lot of hurt feelings and she probably wouldn''t come to the wedding. I decided to put her in the wedding, despite the fact that I barely knew her and just didn''t feel comfortable around her (I still don''t). Then there was the whole issue where she got upset when I ended up picking out my BM dresses and she wasn''t there (just 2 of my 4 BM were there and it happened without me really planning on actually picking a dress). So things have been a little weird between us but I just try to be nice to her. At our engagement party she said hi to me and then didn''t say one word to me or the bridal party the rest of the night.

Anyway, FI is understandably frustrated and wants us to talk about it with her. Now obviously I can''t tell her I''m a bit resentful that I felt pushed into putting her in the wedding so I''ve told him I''ll tell her we got off on the wrong foot (which is true) and try to get more comfortable around her. I really want to like her, but she''s hard to approach and I find myself not knowing what to say to her. Basically, I''m just not comfortable around her and the fact that she''s in the wedding party is ony highlighting that uncomfortableness. I guess I just wanted to vent and see if anyone had an thoughts on dealing with a FSIL you might not have the best relationship with. I have such a hard time pretending like I''m not frustrated about some of the things that happened in the past and were never dealt with, but it seems silly to bring up these things now since nothing can be done about it.

 

[Haven]

Aw, I''m sorry this is going on, Treasure.

I think the best thing you can do is to move forward with a positive attitude toward your FSIL, and to just try to forge some sort of a relationship with her. (That is, if you''re genuinely interested in doing so.) It must be very frustrating to have to deal with her and her melodrama, especially after being guilted into putting her in the wedding party, but I really do believe that nothing feels better than killing people with kindness.

Good luck. AND, if she''s still difficult after you put in a bit of effort, then I''d go into smile-and-nod mode. No need to put yourself out there if she isn''t willing to meet you half way.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Treasure, I''m sorry you are dealing with this and ditto to everything Haven said!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/7/2010 10:46:53 PM
Author: Haven
Aw, I''m sorry this is going on, Treasure.

I think the best thing you can do is to move forward with a positive attitude toward your FSIL, and to just try to forge some sort of a relationship with her. (That is, if you''re genuinely interested in doing so.) It must be very frustrating to have to deal with her and her melodrama, especially after being guilted into putting her in the wedding party, but I really do believe that nothing feels better than killing people with kindness.

Good luck. AND, if she''s still difficult after you put in a bit of effort, then I''d go into smile-and-nod mode. No need to put yourself out there if she isn''t willing to meet you half way.

+1. I am sorry you have to deal with this Treasure. Haven says it all. Best of luck!!! Stay true to yourself....

 

[lulu66]

i''m so sorry you felt pressured to put her into the role of a bridesmaid. i have a FSIL who, though we are friendly are not super close (b/c we live states apart), and i can''t imagine having her as part of my bridal part b/c everyone else knows each other very well. could it be that she feels out of place b/c you two aren''t very close & you are presumably close w/the other BMs? and although, your FI family & her wanted to be a part of your day maybe now she is feeling awkward too. i think the best thing to do would be what you and your fi plan to do, sit down & have a discussion w/her. tell your side (but maybe leaving out the part about being forced to have her in the wedding) & listen to her side. make an effort to be closer (remember she is going to be your sister-in-law): plan dinner w/the two of you or a girls shopping trip or salon day & maybe you will find that you share something.

 

[Gypsy]

Here''s what I would do.

She''s your SIL and you MIL cares about her, and so, probably does you future husband. She''s not likely to go anywhere. So it''s worth a little investment.

A lot of times people who are dramatic (speaking as a drama baby myself...lol) just want attention and act out to get it. The best way to shut them the heck up, is to give it to them, but on your terms.

I would pick something wedding related that you need help with and then invite her to lunch (just the two of you) to do it together. Stuff envelopes, go to the florist, pick lipstick colors. Whatever. Grit your teeth a little and make small talk.

You and your Fi having a pow wow with her gives her too much power to disrupt things and is more drama than is warranted. And will only reinforce that if she wants attention she can get it by running to mommy or auntie.

Give her some attention, but get what you need (a wedding task done) out of it in the bargain. And you might build a bridge and understand her better, which would be anice bonus for hte future.

But at the very least next time MIL says something... you can cite the invite as you making an effort-- without her prompting. Which IMO is worth it.

As for being forced to have her in yor BP, well it''s not ideal. But weddings are about family. My only regret is that I think I lost sight of that a liittle with mine. And didn''t even notice it until saw the wedding pictures.

 

[yssie]

The previous posters said it all, but I just want to add that I''m sorry things are difficult right now

 

[Treasure43]

Thanks for all the advice everyone I''ve decided to call her today and since she''s coming into town tomorrow to celebrate a belated Christmas with us, I''ll ask her if she wants to stop by early and help me figure out a place for the BM to get their hair/nails/make-up done. Hopefully this will ease any akwardness that there might be and get us off on a better foot. I''ll keep you all updated as to how it goes.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 1/8/2010 12:03:51 AM
Author: Gypsy
Here's what I would do.

She's your SIL and you MIL cares about her, and so, probably does you future husband. She's not likely to go anywhere. So it's worth a little investment.

A lot of times people who are dramatic (speaking as a drama baby myself...lol) just want attention and act out to get it. The best way to shut them the heck up, is to give it to them, but on your terms.

I would pick something wedding related that you need help with and then invite her to lunch (just the two of you) to do it together. Stuff envelopes, go to the florist, pick lipstick colors. Whatever. Grit your teeth a little and make small talk.

You and your Fi having a pow wow with her gives her too much power to disrupt things and is more drama than is warranted. And will only reinforce that if she wants attention she can get it by running to mommy or auntie.

Give her some attention, but get what you need (a wedding task done) out of it in the bargain. And you might build a bridge and understand her better, which would be anice bonus for hte future.

But at the very least next time MIL says something... you can cite the invite as you making an effort-- without her prompting. Which IMO is worth it.

As for being forced to have her in yor BP, well it's not ideal. But weddings are about family. My only regret is that I think I lost sight of that a liittle with mine. And didn't even notice it until saw the wedding pictures.

I really like and agree with Gypsy's response, especially the highlighted part.

Treasure43, take it from an old married lady... friends come and go, but your SIL is going to be in the picture for many years to come. It is so worth it to invest a little effort in easing the awkwardness between you two, she is family. (or soon will be, anyway!)

My sil was in my bridal party, even though we weren't that close at the time. Now, when I look at the pics, I am SO glad she was in the wedding. We've become closer as the years have gone by, and she's family. It now feels so right that she was a bridesmaid.

I am so glad you have decided to take the high road and spend some time with her to try to get to know her a little better. I really think it will help...but heck, at this point it can't hurt! And hang in there, there's a good chance that she will outgrow some of this dramatic behavior as time goes by. Best of luck with all this!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You''re not the only one who has been put in this position...it can be really hard to be "forced" into a relationship with someone you otherwise wouldn''t be around just because you''re involved with a sibling or son...

I don''t have a very warm relationship with my SIL...it''s not because I wanted that, but it''s just the way things worked out. We have special circumstance...like, for instance, the fact that she has a daughter my age and I believe it''s very hard for her to come to terms with the fact that I''m her childs age, but she and I also equals.

I''ve found that not "overdoing" it has helped. I''m always friendly and thoughtful...but I don''t push the issue. In the beginning I tried really hard to be friends with her, and I always walked away feeling disappointed when she didn''t warm up. In the recent months I''ve just let the relationship seek its own level without forcing the issue...if we talk, we talk...if we don''t, we don''t.

I''ve never had the type of personality where I could "confront" someone...so knowing that about myself, I''ve managed to find a solution I can live with. And that''s my advice to you...if you want to talk to her about your feelings, do so...otherwise, don''t. Sometimes talking helps, other times it doesn''t. You''re going to be involved in a relationship with this woman for the rest of your life...you''ll always know her, and depending on how she is telling her that you felt "weird" about her could do more damage than good. Or, likewise, it could be something you could bond over...maybe she felt the same.

Bottom line is, only you know her and what she''s all about and how she''ll take being confronted. Obviously this isn''t easy for you and I wish you the best.

 

[LilyKat]

It's not ideal, but she's family now and unfortunately you just have to make the best of it. I would just keep trying, without getting too emotionally involved in how she reacts. Be friendly, be pleasant, show an interest in her life, invite her casually to things you think she might enjoy - but don't take it personally if she declines.

It's not the relationship I imagine you hoped to have with your FSIL, but people are what they are. I would privately accept that you'll never be best friends, and aim to just keep things civil and cordial.

 

[shertz1981]

Date: 1/8/2010 12:03:51 AM
Author: Gypsy


I would pick something wedding related that you need help with and then invite her to lunch (just the two of you) to do it together. Stuff envelopes, go to the florist, pick lipstick colors. Whatever. Grit your teeth a little and make small talk.


You and your Fi having a pow wow with her gives her too much power to disrupt things and is more drama than is warranted. And will only reinforce that if she wants attention she can get it by running to mommy or auntie.


Give her some attention, but get what you need (a wedding task done) out of it in the bargain. And you might build a bridge and understand her better, which would be anice bonus for hte future.


But at the very least next time MIL says something... you can cite the invite as you making an effort-- without her prompting. Which IMO is worth it.


As for being forced to have her in yor BP, well it''s not ideal. But weddings are about family. My only regret is that I think I lost sight of that a liittle with mine. And didn''t even notice it until saw the wedding pictures.

Wise, wise advice. I would go pick out lipstick colors, or do something fun with her.

 

[MissMina]

There is a key someplace. Something that will form a bridge between you.
You just have to find out what it is. Since she mentions that she doesn''t think you like her
try to find somwthing you like about her or something she is good at and build on it.
My MIL and I were very distant till we bonded over gardening.
Best of luck to you.

 

[Porridge]

Get a small group of gals, get a few bottles of booze and get chatting. ALWAYS works for me. Call it a bridal-party party and find a few funny games to get the chat started.

 

[HollyS]

Maybe it''s just that I''m older. Maybe I have no tolerance.

But FMILs and FSILs shouldn''t have any - - zip, zilch, nada - - say in ANY wedding plans that are not specifically groom related. They don''t get to have opinions, hissy fits, or hurt feelings when the bride decides her attendants, their attire, her own attire, the jewelry, the groom''s attire, the favors, the invitations, the flowers, the decor.

I''ll allow them reception suggestions. If they want more than ''suggestion power'', they need to pay for the privilege. Or be quiet.

And, no. You don''t have to suck it up and be friends with your FSIL. Now or later. You aren''t marrying her. If she wanted to be ''family'' to you, she wouldn''t be pulling this act. She and her momma are drama queens. Good luck with that, BTW.

You''ll handle this in the manner that is best for you. But there''s my opinion.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I see this from both sides of the spectrum. Family is family and soon his will be yours. You never know, maybe some day you''ll have something you can bond over, but that time is clearly not now. Maybe she doesn''t like having attention focused on someone but her? There could be some jealousy over her brother getting married?

I don''t get along with my FI''s twin brother. He''s a jerk. He''s insensitive. He doesn''t care about anyone but himself. He''s actually said hurtful things to me. But, as I said, he''s my FI''s twin and he''ll be in the wedding party. I have hopes that someday he''ll grow up and stop being such a baby.

One piece of your story that rubbed me the wrong way was the bit about picking bridesmaid dresses without her. Hmmm, I wasn''t aware that it was her decision. When I picked the ones I liked, I sent them to my BMs and asked their opinions (if they hated them, of course I''d reconsider) but you can''t please everyone unless you let them each pick their own dress. She sounds like a ''me me me'' kind of person. Give her something to help out with, but remember that this is YOUR (and of course, your fiance''s) DAY. When she gets married, maybe she''ll understand.

 

[Treasure43]

Thanks all for your continued support and advice. I wish I had a better update to tell you than the one I''ve got.

An update:

I called FSIL yesterday (Friday) at about noon and left her a message asking her if she wanted to get together today (Saturday) before the family dinner and research where we could get our hair and nails done. I heard nothing back from her and mentioned this to my FI and he told his mother she hadn''t called back when his mother asked him. Anyway, later (about 10PM) I get a phone call from her and it goes to voicemail. She said she''d be more than happy to help and to call her back in the morning. So this morning I call her and leave another message and tell her that would be great and to call me when she''s leaving. My FI had to work today and he called me to let me know he wouldn''t be back until right before dinner. He asked me to let his sister know (as the plan was for me and FSIL to hang out while her husband and my FI hung out). I called her to let her know and turns out she hadn''t left yet and wouldn''t be coming in until right before the dinner as well. We left it at, we''ll talk at dinner and figure out another time to get together. When his mother found out about this she was a complete drama queen (even my FI admitted she was being dramatic) and said "I feel like my family is split apart and I just want to put it back together". For heavens sake, talk about unnecessary DRAMA. Obviously this situation is difficult on everyone involved but we''re all making an effort and FMIL''s dramatics don''t help AT ALL. I know she''ll be frustrated with me because FI and I have plans right after dinner (everyone tried to pack to much into this weekend) and tomorrow FSIL is going home. She said she could meet up after breakfast but I''m going to an early lunch with a friend and then to a bridal show, which we''ve had planned for a week.

I feel like my FMIL is making this situation a million times more stressful than it has to be for everyone involved and I''m sick of it. Now FMIL is in a bad mood because FSIL and I didn''t get to hang out, FI is irritated with his mother, I''m irritated and FMIL, FSIL is probably irritated at everyone, and I''m sure FFIL is tired of all of it. What a lovely Christmas dinner this will be tonight with everyone irritated. Sigh. I really like FMIL but this drama thing has GOT to stop. I can''t take both her drama and her daughter''s drama.

Date: 1/9/2010 2:21:23 PM
Author: Travel Goddess
I see this from both sides of the spectrum. Family is family and soon his will be yours. You never know, maybe some day you''ll have something you can bond over, but that time is clearly not now. Maybe she doesn''t like having attention focused on someone but her? There could be some jealousy over her brother getting married?

I don''t get along with my FI''s twin brother. He''s a jerk. He''s insensitive. He doesn''t care about anyone but himself. He''s actually said hurtful things to me. But, as I said, he''s my FI''s twin and he''ll be in the wedding party. I have hopes that someday he''ll grow up and stop being such a baby.

One piece of your story that rubbed me the wrong way was the bit about picking bridesmaid dresses without her. Hmmm, I wasn''t aware that it was her decision. When I picked the ones I liked, I sent them to my BMs and asked their opinions (if they hated them, of course I''d reconsider) but you can''t please everyone unless you let them each pick their own dress. She sounds like a ''me me me'' kind of person. Give her something to help out with, but remember that this is YOUR (and of course, your fiance''s) DAY. When she gets married, maybe she''ll understand.

TG, I think you may be right on about the not liking attention focused on anyone else. I''ve chatted with my stepfather about this and that''s his take on it as well. The dress thing rubbed me the wrong way right from the start. It was also the day I found my wedding dress (the first one I tried on) and was such an amazing day, followed by a really sad ending to the day with all the drama. And since neither she, nor her mother said anything to me about it (I heard about it from FI, who heard about it from his mother), it''s not like I could bring it up without looking ridiculous. I feel like we''re all playing telephone and it''s terrible. Oddly, she''s four years older than I am (about to turn 29) and has been married for 2 years. I expected a bit more maturity than what I''ve seen so far.

 

[Treasure43]

Yet another unsettling update (I''m really at the end of my rope here people)

FI comes home and informs me that his mother is in a terrible mood and wants to bring up the subject of FSIL''s and my relationship during CHRISTMAS DINNER TODAY! With everyone around! I told FI that I want to discuss the issue with ONLY his sister and I''m NOT willing to have the conversation with the entire family. I''m sorry, but I draw the line there. So he''s stressed because I told him I will not participate in this discussion with the entire family. He doesn''t know what to do and feels completely in the middle and I''m SO irriatated with FMIL and have NO IDEA what to do. And we''re supposed to have been there like 15 minutes ago and FI is just pacing and stressed. HELP!!!

 

[HollyS]

Help?

How can you possibly orchestrate how the in-laws will act? All you can do is be careful of your reactions. And whether you want this to be a topic of discussion, I guarantee you that it will be.

FI pacing isn''t helping solve anything. Perhaps he should take his family aside and insist that they put a stop to the drama. Otherwise, get ready for a floor show.

Good luck.

 

[Treasure43]

Well the dinner went fine last night. At least in my opinion, who knows what any else thought. Though I''m sure I''ll hear about it. I could tell his mother was very dissapointed when I hugged his sister goodbye and told her that we would have to figure out a plan sometime soon. I''ve talked to FI and we''ve decided to both talk to his mother and let her know that my relationship with FSIL is between the two of us and the fewer people who are involved in it, the better. Hopefully, that will encourage her to stop putting herself in the middle and making things worse.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I''m glad to hear the dinner wasn''t awkward. Whenever I get bogged down with wedding drama, I just think about how silly it''s all going to seem when the wedding is over.

My MOH got married last June and all throughout the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner she kept saying to me "elope, elope! It''s not worth all the hassle and drama!" By the middle of the reception, she came up to FI and I and said "This is the best day of my life! Forget everything I said about eloping! It was SOOOO worth it!" Haha. I try to remember that whenever things get out of control.

I wonder if your FMIL will care so much about your relationship with FSIL after you''re married. Wedding bring out the craziness in people. It''s weird.

 

[iheartscience]

Your FMIL doesn''t need to be so involved in all of this and I''m glad you and your fiance are going to tell her that. It seems like she''s causing most of the drama here. And I don''t get why your fiance called her to let her know about your plan to make plans with your FSIL to begin with. You two are adults-you don''t need her permission to play, right?

Forcing a friendship between you and your FSIL is pointless. Some people will be close, some people won''t-your FMIL having a hissy fit about it won''t solve anything. The whole "FSIL is family" argument for you two needing to be close doesn''t really work for me. I''m close with my 2 sisters and am extra close with my twin sister-my 2 brothers, not so much. They''re family, but I''m certainly not trying to be BFF with them. You''re probably never going to want to hang out socially with your FSIL and I really don''t see anything wrong with that!

 

[junebug17]

I am surprised to hear FSIL is 29, from the description of her behavior I was picturing someone in her early 20''s...you''re right treasure, you''d expect a little more maturity at this point. And I agree that you and she may never be really close, you can''t force friendships, even if it''s family...but I still stand by my original opinion that it''s worth a little effort to at least reach a point where you can both feel comfortable in each other''s presence, because you will be associating with her for many years to come. And you are definitely doing that. I agree with you that Fmil is making the situation so much worse by butting in, in this case I think it''s a good idea for FI to nicely tell her to butt out. Ugh, I''m sorry you have to deal with all this family drama, it''s so silly, and all of this will probably over after the wedding. It''s true, weddings really do make people a little crazy!

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 1/10/2010 12:40:54 PM
Author: thing2of2
Your FMIL doesn''t need to be so involved in all of this and I''m glad you and your fiance are going to tell her that. It seems like she''s causing most of the drama here. And I don''t get why your fiance called her to let her know about your plan to make plans with your FSIL to begin with. You two are adults-you don''t need her permission to play, right?

Forcing a friendship between you and your FSIL is pointless. Some people will be close, some people won''t-your FMIL having a hissy fit about it won''t solve anything. The whole ''FSIL is family'' argument for you two needing to be close doesn''t really work for me. I''m close with my 2 sisters and am extra close with my twin sister-my 2 brothers, not so much. They''re family, but I''m certainly not trying to be BFF with them. You''re probably never going to want to hang out socially with your FSIL and I really don''t see anything wrong with that!

FMIL actually called my FI and encouraged the FSIL and I to talk( I think because FSIL was upset). I agree with what you''re saying because I feel like honestly, we''re nice to each other but we don''t have to be best friends. And everyone putting pressure on us to have a closer relationship just makes things more uncomfortable for everyone. She''s in the wedding party and we''ll probably just hang out when wedding stuff needs to be done and/or for family stuff.

junebug: I just have to face the fact that she is who she is and try to get along with her as best I can. I''m really putting effort into it but I honestly feel like I''m not getting back near when I put in. I''ve written her numerous emails and gotten only a single response. She said she wanted to hang out yesterday, yet didn''t let me know she was running late or try to get here on time so we could hang out. I don''t know, I just think something''s off there but I''m not sure what. Either way, I''m going to continue to make more effort and just see where it leads.

However, I''m anxious to make it clear to FMIL that my relationship with FSIL is between her and I and forcing the issue has only made things worse, thus far. Apparently we''re meeting with her today to deal with this...so give us some dust!

 

[junebug17]

Date: 1/10/2010 2:53:58 PM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 1/10/2010 12:40:54 PM
Author: thing2of2
Your FMIL doesn''t need to be so involved in all of this and I''m glad you and your fiance are going to tell her that. It seems like she''s causing most of the drama here. And I don''t get why your fiance called her to let her know about your plan to make plans with your FSIL to begin with. You two are adults-you don''t need her permission to play, right?

Forcing a friendship between you and your FSIL is pointless. Some people will be close, some people won''t-your FMIL having a hissy fit about it won''t solve anything. The whole ''FSIL is family'' argument for you two needing to be close doesn''t really work for me. I''m close with my 2 sisters and am extra close with my twin sister-my 2 brothers, not so much. They''re family, but I''m certainly not trying to be BFF with them. You''re probably never going to want to hang out socially with your FSIL and I really don''t see anything wrong with that!

junebug: I just have to face the fact that she is who she is and try to get along with her as best I can. I''m really putting effort into it but I honestly feel like I''m not getting back near when I put in. I''ve written her numerous emails and gotten only a single response. She said she wanted to hang out yesterday, yet didn''t let me know she was running late or try to get here on time so we could hang out. I don''t know, I just think something''s off there but I''m not sure what. Either way, I''m going to continue to make more effort and just see where it leads.

However, I''m anxious to make it clear to FMIL that my relationship with FSIL is between her and I and forcing the issue has only made things worse, thus far. Apparently we''re meeting with her today to deal with this...so give us some dust!

Oh, I totally agree with you treasure. If she''s not going to respond to your efforts, then there''s not much else you can do. As you said, eventually you may just have to get along with her as well as you can and not worry about it! At least you will know that you did all you could. Good luck with all of this, I really hope all of this drama is resolved somehow and you can focus on planning your wedding, and having some fun!