Recipe box update....

[Italiahaircolor]

So, brides...as I posted before I was considering sending my niece a recipe box with submissions from all the women at her bridal shower. Before doing anything I spoke to her mother, my SIL, to get the go head.

At the time we spoke, my SIL liked the idea...but something about the conversation felt off. However, since I''m not close with my SIL I took her at her word and ordered the box, cards and what not.

My MIL covertly managed to get the shower list for me...and upon opening it I found...I wasn''t on the list!

So now I feel really weird putting together this gift because she wasn''t even planning on inviting me.

What are your thoughts on me not sending the box as a shower gift, but holding off until her wedding...

 

[sonnyjane]

Wow! Are you at least invited to the wedding!?!??! If so, I'd hold off and wait until then... That's a LOT of money and time (assuming you are still going through with the order) to put into an occasion to which you weren't invited...

Are you sure that you weren't invited, and not that she just took you off the list because she was sending it to you, so assumed you wouldn't need to be reminded?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/4/2010 10:46:50 PM
Author: sonnyjane
Wow! Are you at least invited to the wedding!?!??! If so, I''d hold off and wait until then... That''s a LOT of money and time (assuming you are still going through with the order) to put into an occasion to which you weren''t invited...


Are you sure that you weren''t invited, and not that she just took you off the list because she was sending it to you, so assumed you wouldn''t need to be reminded?

Totally sure...she had no idea the list was coming to me.

We got a STD a couple of months ago...so I am sure we''re invited to the wedding...but who the h*** knows, really. I am so disgusted with myself for assuming and SUPER pissed at my SIL for not telling me like "hey, girl, you''re not invited!"...she let go ahead and buy all this junk AND make a fool of myself!

 

[VRBeauty]

If you''re not going to be invited to the shower, I think you should nix the idea of getting the recipes based on the shower invite list. Doing that, whether you send it in time for the shower or for some other occasion, it would seem like a comment on your non-invitation, even if that wasn''t your intention. Perhaps you could get recipes from "your" side of the family and refer them as "Italia family favorites", or pull together recipes from people you know in each family and present the box at some other occasion.

I hope sonnyjane is right, and that you will indeed be invited to the shower!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

return it...

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 1/4/2010 11:10:27 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 1/4/2010 10:46:50 PM

Author: sonnyjane

Wow! Are you at least invited to the wedding!?!??! If so, I'd hold off and wait until then... That's a LOT of money and time (assuming you are still going through with the order) to put into an occasion to which you weren't invited...



Are you sure that you weren't invited, and not that she just took you off the list because she was sending it to you, so assumed you wouldn't need to be reminded?

Totally sure...she had no idea the list was coming to me.


We got a STD a couple of months ago...so I am sure we're invited to the wedding...but who the h*** knows, really. I am so disgusted with myself for assuming and SUPER pissed at my SIL for not telling me like 'hey, girl, you're not invited!'...she let go ahead and buy all this junk AND make a fool of myself!

I'm so sorry this happened

Honestly, I would cancel the order all together (since it is personalized, you can't return it once it's done), and just get them something off their registry closer to the wedding (I'm sure they'll register by then). I wouldn't necessarily be upset that you weren't invited; you admitted yourself that you didn't know her very well. I would be upset, however, that they didn't just tell you when you called.

 

[purelily]

Hi Italiahaircolor,
I am so sorry this happened to you

You put so much time, effort and thought into the present. If you do go to the wedding, I sincerely hope she is grateful for the recipe box and acknowledges the time and effort you spent.

 

[swingirl]

Awww, that's too bad. Did you mention to the MIL that you were planning a shower gift? I bet it was awkward for her, too.

Can you return the box and other items? Because I think if you give her a recipe box as a wedding gift you will look like the boob and no one will know the story behind it. A recipe box is really a "bride-to-be" gift not a "wedding couple" gift. I wouldn't be overly generous with the wedding gift you do give them though.

 

[meresal]

To be honest... I think that what you are trying to do is more for the Host of a shower to do anyway.

I would return it and nix the entire idea. Just get a regular wedding gift. My .02: You said that you and this "neice" aren''t close, so why put yourself so far out there and spend the money on something so personal?

 

[lliang_chi]

That''s crazy. I''d nix the gift all together. I totally know where you''re coming from, with the "HelLO, couldn''t you have passed the message?!?"

 

[LilyKat]

I would return it if you can and forget about it.

If you can''t, use it as your wedding gift (and don''t get anything else - it''s present enough).

I wouldn''t feel too bad towards your SIL. You might have put her in a tough spot by asking her about the gift - she might just not have known what to say. I mean, it''s tough to nicely tell someone they aren''t invited to an event, especially if they''ve already clearly put time and effort into it. Or maybe she was planning to try to convince her daughter to invite you, and it didn''t work. Let it go and if you still want to give the gift out of love to her daughter, just do it (as a wedding gift).

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''d send it to her shower as a big F-you for not inviting me. And then accept the invitation to the wedding and then not show up....okay that second part is so not classy, but seriously!

IMO you and Mark now have a legitimate reason to conveniently make other plans for the wedding weekend and not go. When you''re asked why say "well when I wasn''t invited to the shower I assumed they''d cut the guest list due to budgetary problems and we went ahead and made other plans. Then you don''t have to waste your money on these d-bags.

Sorry, I''m kinda cranky this morning.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/5/2010 8:02:25 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I'd send it to her shower as a big F-you for not inviting me. And then accept the invitation to the wedding and then not show up....okay that second part is so not classy, but seriously!


IMO you and Mark now have a legitimate reason to conveniently make other plans for the wedding weekend and not go. When you're asked why say 'well when I wasn't invited to the shower I assumed they'd cut the guest list due to budgetary problems and we went ahead and made other plans. Then you don't have to waste your money on these d-bags.


Sorry, I'm kinda cranky this morning.

I guess I don't understand what the poor girl has done that's so terrible.

She hasn't invited someone she's not that close to to her shower. That's her choice. Italia made the mistake of assuming she was invited - an honest mistake and nothing to be ashamed of, but a mistake nonetheless. Yes, of course her mother should have corrected Italia immediately when she realised a wrong assumption had been made, but why call the family "d-bags" and encourage Italia send her an "F-you" as a shower gift??!! That sounds a bit... unnecessary.

Maybe there is a backstory that I'm missing... But I think it's always best to give people the benefit of the doubt. Return the stuff, make the gift anyway, it doesn't really matter - just don't let this damage your relationship with them. Just my opinion.

 

[UnderBlue]

Date: 1/5/2010 8:11:39 AM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 1/5/2010 8:02:25 AM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

I''d send it to her shower as a big F-you for not inviting me. And then accept the invitation to the wedding and then not show up....okay that second part is so not classy, but seriously!



IMO you and Mark now have a legitimate reason to conveniently make other plans for the wedding weekend and not go. When you''re asked why say ''well when I wasn''t invited to the shower I assumed they''d cut the guest list due to budgetary problems and we went ahead and made other plans. Then you don''t have to waste your money on these d-bags.



Sorry, I''m kinda cranky this morning.

I guess I don''t understand what the poor girl has done that''s so terrible.


She hasn''t invited someone she''s not that close to to her shower. That''s her choice. Italia made the mistake of assuming she was invited - an honest mistake and nothing to be ashamed of, but a mistake nonetheless. Yes, of course her mother should have corrected Italia immediately when she realised a wrong assumption had been made, but why call the family ''d-bags'' and encourage Italia send her an ''F-you'' as a shower gift??!! That sounds a bit... unnecessary.


Maybe there is a backstory that I''m missing... But I think it''s always best to give people the benefit of the doubt. Return the stuff, make the gift anyway, it doesn''t really matter - just don''t let this damage your relationship with them. Just my opinion.

I agree. Why would you turn around and use this to try to hurt your niece or her family?

Before you knew you weren''t invited it sounds like you were excited and eager to be making this gift and to be giving something to your niece. A gift is something that should be given without conditions.

It''s no one''s fault that you assumed you were invited so there''s no reason to blame anybody or take it out on her or your SIL or something. Yes, your SIL didn''t say otherwise, but as pointed out how hard and awkward is it to tell someone they''re not invited to something?

Just make it an engagement present, I''m sure you''ll niece will appreciate it.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Um, the first paragraph was a joke.

Usually (in my circle anyway) you invite all women family to the shower, especially if they''re invited to the wedding. So if a neice or cousin left me of the guest list I''d be pretty offended. Not to mention, in a previous thread Italia was talking about how she and her DH didn''t really want to go to the wedding to begin with.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My SIL could have stretched the truth...telling me that the shower was for local people only or something along those lines. She didn''t. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they aren''t "invited" to something...but there is a graceful way of doing so. I really couldn''t care less if I was invited or not...really...I am more upset about having spent my money and my time pulling something together only to find out I never had to in the first place.

And no, the shower isn''t small or local or intimate...there are at least 65 people on the guest list.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/5/2010 10:15:36 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
My SIL could have stretched the truth...telling me that the shower was for local people only or something along those lines. She didn''t. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they aren''t ''invited'' to something...but there is a graceful way of doing so. I really couldn''t care less if I was invited or not...really...I am more upset about having spent my money and my time pulling something together only to find out I never had to in the first place.

And no, the shower isn''t small or local or intimate...there are at least 65 people on the guest list.

Totally agreed. She should have been up front with you and said, "I appreciate everything you''re doing for my daughter, but we know we''re already asking a lot from you by asking you to travel to the wedding, and we didn''t want to you feel obligated to spend any more money. We''re excited to see you at the wedding, though!"

That said, she didn''t. And if I recall, your''e not really close with any of them, right? At least you won''t have to feel guilty if you and Mark end up not going to the wedding, which is something I know you were struggling with.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

From your previous post..

My "niece" is getting married this July...her bridal shower is in May. I am not attending either event, but I want to send a nice gift.
I realise that it is probably not the ''done'' thing but perhaps you were not put on the invite list because they already knew that you wouldn''t be attending?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/5/2010 10:15:36 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
My SIL could have stretched the truth...telling me that the shower was for local people only or something along those lines. She didn't. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they aren't 'invited' to something...but there is a graceful way of doing so. I really couldn't care less if I was invited or not...really...I am more upset about having spent my money and my time pulling something together only to find out I never had to in the first place.

And no, the shower isn't small or local or intimate...there are at least 65 people on the guest list.

Even if you had been invited, you didn't "have" to put your time and money out there. It is perfectly fine to decline an event and just send a gift card to where the bride is registered.

You are the one that assumed you were invited, and you are the one that wanted to do such an extravagant gift in a short time period.


The SIL and the bride have done nothing wrong here.

ETA: They still sent you the list, so maybe the SIL just thought that you wanted to do something nice. You already said you weren't going to travel for it, so why would you need to tell someone that isn't coming to an event, that they aren't invited anyway?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/5/2010 11:12:00 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/5/2010 10:15:36 AM

Author: Italiahaircolor

My SIL could have stretched the truth...telling me that the shower was for local people only or something along those lines. She didn''t. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they aren''t ''invited'' to something...but there is a graceful way of doing so. I really couldn''t care less if I was invited or not...really...I am more upset about having spent my money and my time pulling something together only to find out I never had to in the first place.


And no, the shower isn''t small or local or intimate...there are at least 65 people on the guest list.

Even if you had been invited, you didn''t ''have'' to put your time and money out there. It is perfectly fine to decline an event and just send a gift card to where the bride is registered.


You are the one that assumed you were invited, and you are the one that wanted to do such an extravagant gift in a short time period.



The SIL and the bride have done nothing wrong here.



ETA: They still sent you the list, so maybe the SIL just thought that you wanted to do something nice. You already said you weren''t going to travel for it, so why would you need to tell someone that isn''t coming to an event, that they aren''t invited anyway?

No. I think you misread something here...they sent the list AFTER we spoke about the shower. When I spoke the her, nothing was mentioned.

I don''t think they did anything wrong here...and frankly, I really don''t care much either way. I''m not going to the wedding and I certainly wouldn''t have attended the shower. But I think it was HIGHLY rude to accept my offer of a gift and not even mention that I wasn''t invited. I guess I was just raised differently.

Anyway...you''re right, they did "nothing" wrong ... and I am doing nothing wrong by not sending a gift. It''s a wash.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/5/2010 11:18:26 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 1/5/2010 11:12:00 AM

Author: meresal

Date: 1/5/2010 10:15:36 AM


Author: Italiahaircolor


My SIL could have stretched the truth...telling me that the shower was for local people only or something along those lines. She didn''t. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they aren''t ''invited'' to something...but there is a graceful way of doing so. I really couldn''t care less if I was invited or not...really...I am more upset about having spent my money and my time pulling something together only to find out I never had to in the first place.



And no, the shower isn''t small or local or intimate...there are at least 65 people on the guest list.

Even if you had been invited, you didn''t ''have'' to put your time and money out there. It is perfectly fine to decline an event and just send a gift card to where the bride is registered.



You are the one that assumed you were invited, and you are the one that wanted to do such an extravagant gift in a short time period.




The SIL and the bride have done nothing wrong here.




ETA: They still sent you the list, so maybe the SIL just thought that you wanted to do something nice. You already said you weren''t going to travel for it, so why would you need to tell someone that isn''t coming to an event, that they aren''t invited anyway?

No. I think you misread something here...they sent the list AFTER we spoke about the shower. When I spoke the her, nothing was mentioned.


I don''t think they did anything wrong here...and frankly, I really don''t care much either way. I''m not going to the wedding and I certainly wouldn''t have attended the shower. But I think it was HIGHLY rude to accept my offer of a gift and not even mention that I wasn''t invited. I guess I was just raised differently.


Anyway...you''re right, they did ''nothing'' wrong ... and I am doing nothing wrong by not sending a gift. It''s a wash.

I think the point is moot if they knew you weren''t attending. Why would they need to tell you that you weren''t invited if you weren''t attending KWIM?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/5/2010 11:18:26 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 1/5/2010 11:12:00 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/5/2010 10:15:36 AM

Author: Italiahaircolor

My SIL could have stretched the truth...telling me that the shower was for local people only or something along those lines. She didn''t. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they aren''t ''invited'' to something...but there is a graceful way of doing so. I really couldn''t care less if I was invited or not...really...I am more upset about having spent my money and my time pulling something together only to find out I never had to in the first place.


And no, the shower isn''t small or local or intimate...there are at least 65 people on the guest list.

Even if you had been invited, you didn''t ''have'' to put your time and money out there. It is perfectly fine to decline an event and just send a gift card to where the bride is registered.


You are the one that assumed you were invited, and you are the one that wanted to do such an extravagant gift in a short time period.



The SIL and the bride have done nothing wrong here.



ETA: They still sent you the list, so maybe the SIL just thought that you wanted to do something nice. You already said you weren''t going to travel for it, so why would you need to tell someone that isn''t coming to an event, that they aren''t invited anyway?

No. I think you misread something here...they sent the list AFTER we spoke about the shower. When I spoke the her, nothing was mentioned.

I don''t think they did anything wrong here...and frankly, I really don''t care much either way. I''m not going to the wedding and I certainly wouldn''t have attended the shower. But I think it was HIGHLY rude to accept my offer of a gift and not even mention that I wasn''t invited. I guess I was just raised differently.

Anyway...you''re right, they did ''nothing'' wrong ... and I am doing nothing wrong by not sending a gift. It''s a wash.

Italia, I understood...

I''ll try this again... What I meant was, maybe instead of SIL pointing out that you weren''t invited, she assumed since you weren''t coming anyway, that it wasn''t necessary to point out. She might have thought that you still wanted to do something nice, so they sent you the list anyway.

Definitely a wash though.

 

[Haven]

Italia--I'm sorry things turned out this way. That must have felt pretty bad to find out, I wish you hadn't had to go through that.

Mere's post does have me wondering about what would have been the proper thing for them to do once they realized you were planning this lovely gift. If a family member called me and told me they were planning to do something like this for my sister's shower, for example, and we hadn't originally planned on inviting this particular family member, I really don't think I would know what to do. I'd probably just add her to the invite list, because I really can't think of a nice way to say "Oh, thank you so much for putting all this thought into a gift, but you aren't invited to the shower." I bet they felt pretty awful for not including you once they heard what you were planning to do. (ETA: This one is especially difficult because it is terribly rude to refuse a gift, as well. So, had they refused your gift, that would have been rude. But, it was also rude of them to not inform you that you weren't on the invite list, but how could they do *that* without sounding rude?)

(I'm not posting this to be adversarial or anything, I'm really at a loss for how to properly respond to this situation. I guess my question is: What should they have said? I really wouldn't have known what to do if I were in their shoes. It's a toughie.)

That being said, I think it's strange that they weren't planning to invite you in the first place, since you are FAMILY. I bet they feel bad about that.

ETA2: I'd never throw a shower for my own sister, of course, my example above is just a hypothetical.

 

[Rachel9]

Sorry about this

It was tacky from their part to accept a generous offer and not include that person to the event, even if it's not your fave person in the world, it's just a plate you know?
I'm hoping that SIL made an honest mistake by not placing you in the list. As a grown up I would stick to my promise and gracefully send the finished product ASAP [earlier date] or as a Wedding gift w/o further comment...

 

[tlh]

This gift will require a lot of work on your part, so I''d only continue with it if you want to. It is a lovely gift, and those that know her better thought she''d really like it. If you wanted you could spend more time on it, gather all the inforamtion and send it as a wedding gift, and if people ask... say you needed more time to collect and organize it all.

Or, you can just advise whomever, MIL- SIL etc, that unfortunately the box you were planning on ordering is on back order and won''t be available before the shower, so you were just going to send a differnent gift... or whatever... not that you really need an excuse, but if they were planning on contributing they may wonder why the contact has stopped... whatever you feel comfortable saying or explaining.

It was a lovely idea though.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am walking away from this project all together. No point in continuing. What am supposed to do? Gather recipes from women invited to a shower that I wasn''t? I don''t think so.

At most, I''ll send the recipe box...unfilled...as her wedding gift. She can fill out her own cards with whatever she wants. I don''t really care. But I really think that it''s not worth my time or added expense to coordinate something so elaborate for someone like her. I mean...the box and cards were close to $100.00...that is before I bought postage, order cards explaining what the project is, spent my time putting it all together. Blah. No-thank-you-very-much.

I guess I walked into think of it like this: while I might not feel like she''s my niece--being that we''re the same age and all--technically she is, even if it is through marriage or whatever. So, I would hope that if the situation were reversed and it was my daughter getting married that my SIL would do something really amazing and thoughtful for my daughters shower. Never in a million years did it cross my mind that it would go this way. But, never in a million years would I consider not including my FAMILY in my shower. But, it just goes to show you...people can be so odd.

At the end of the day, I am relying on "etiquette" and as etiquette says, if you''re not invited you DO NOT need to send a gift. Regardless of what I said prior to learning what I did...I do not have to do anything. And I won''t. Not because I''m bitter...but because I think if I did send something it would be more awkward than me backing out now.

 

[kama_s]

It is a bit odd that family wasn''t invited to the shower, considering the relatively huge guest list. I''m wondering, though, that maybe your SIL mention you weren''t invited because she might have asked her daughter to add you onto the guest list after you shared the gift idea?. It could be possible that the list your MIL sent wasn''t the updated one? I''d wait and see if you receive a shower invitation.

Also, she might have not added you on the list if she knew you weren''t going to come. I know it sounds odd, but it''s happened to me in the past. I didn''t receive the invitation to a friend''s engagement party because I was going to be out of town. At first I was bewildered, since I helped her plan the party (and even helped a lot with her wedding planning), but later found out she didn''t invite me because I was away. Definitely breaks etiquette protocol, but it''s a possibility.

That said, I think the recipe box by itself would make a great wedding gift. Send it with maybe one of your favourite recipes - would make an incredibly thoughtful gift.

 

[luckystar112]

If they heard through the grapevine that you weren't coming, it would make no sense to put you on the list. To do so would look like they were fishing for presents. Also, you say that you'd hope your SIL would do something amazing for your daughter in the future, almost like you believe it's a given since you are "family". Do you understand how that sounds weird, considering that you aren't letting the fact that you're "family" stop you from missing out on both events? I think that there is more going on here--and please FORGIVE me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that:
1) The relationship with your in-laws is not up to par, and you feel like you put in more effort than they do.
2) Thoughtful gifts/generosity appears to be the way that you try to build relationships. And if that generosity/thoughtfulness is not returned you feel let down.

Before you jump down my throat, I'm basing these thoughts on two of your more recent threads. First, the one where you asked about married siblings gift-giving habits, and what was "fair". The second one being the gift card thread, though for all I know an acquaintance could have given that to you. And now this thread, where again, you had this wonderful idea to do something expensive and time-consuming for someone, but now you are giving up on the project because you feel that you didn't mean enough to them to even be invited to the event (even though she doesn't mean enough to you to GO to the event). Do you see what I'm saying?

Personally, I think you should let yourself off of the hook and send a simple gift off of the registry (I would let someone know that you aren't following through with the gift, since now your SIL is expecting it. It may cause more trouble NOT to give it now, since she'll assume correctly that you chose not do it since you weren't invited). But more than that, I think that for your own sanity you should re-evaluate how much you're willing to give for acceptance. I'm sorry if I'm off base there, but that is how I (a virtual stranger to the ins and outs of your family dynamics) am seeing things from the outside.

I think that it would have been a beautiful gift. I didn't see the other thread in time but I know I would have LOVVVVVVED to get something like that for my wedding. I'm not a big cooker, but lord knows I crave my family's recipes. I'm sorry that you're in this bind.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I wish I could believe this...sadly, I never mentioned whether or not I''d be coming to the shower when speaking to my SIL. I''m a bit more free with my words here, but I try not to "decline" an invite until it''s been "received"...

As far as my gifting habits...well, I only do what I''m comfortable doing. To me, my gifts are never extravagant or over the top. I put thought in to what I give, and that gives me great joy. Showers are supposed to be an occasion where you are showering the bride or new mother with gifts and love...I was only trying to do my part in a creative way. I would never grumble about doing this...putting the recipes together...or even the time it would take to make it work. I was honestly excited.

I have made my decision to give her the box for her wedding--it''s already ordered and I cannot return it. I will not be doing anything for the shower...and have spoken with my MIL about. She was shocked but understood where I was coming from. She actually (will wonders ever cease) with me.

So, oh well...what''s done is done. But, for the record...i am not on the list because I''m not on the list...not because I said I wasn''t going, those words never left my lips. And yes, I wasn''t going to go..but that isn''t the point...I would have still "shown up" for her, if you know what I mean.

 

[Clairitek]

I'm sorry that you've already gone and spent money and time on this project, only to be let down. I'm sure she would have loved the gift.

Date: 1/5/2010 10:30:22 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/5/2010 10:15:36 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
My SIL could have stretched the truth...telling me that the shower was for local people only or something along those lines. She didn't. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they aren't 'invited' to something...but there is a graceful way of doing so. I really couldn't care less if I was invited or not...really...I am more upset about having spent my money and my time pulling something together only to find out I never had to in the first place.

And no, the shower isn't small or local or intimate...there are at least 65 people on the guest list.

Totally agreed. She should have been up front with you and said, 'I appreciate everything you're doing for my daughter, but we know we're already asking a lot from you by asking you to travel to the wedding, and we didn't want to you feel obligated to spend any more money. We're excited to see you at the wedding, though!'

That said, she didn't. And if I recall, your'e not really close with any of them, right? At least you won't have to feel guilty if you and Mark end up not going to the wedding, which is something I know you were struggling with.

I agree that it wasn't entirely fair for your SIL to not be up front about your status on the guest list. From my experience, bridal shower guest lists have either been an "all female guests on the wedding list" sort of thing or an "all female family members from both sides" sort of thing. Obviously you fit into both situations and I don't think it was unreasonable to assume that you would be invited.

However, you've detailed your relationship with your in-laws in many threads and the things you've had to say about them haven't been good. Do you think that maybe they didn't think to put you on the list because of possible friction with your MIL? I guess thats not really relevent at the moment but just a theory about why they are excluding you. I also agree with the poster who suggested that since they knew you and Mark wouldn't be making it to the wedding they didn't want an invitation to the shower to seem like a gift grab.

ETA: We were posting at the same time. I think giving the box as a wedding gift is really nice. One of my favorite gifts for my wedding was something off the registry and very personalized and thoughtful.