If you didn''t register for fine china and silver....

[LtlFirecracker]

and had guests that knew that, and went off your registry to get you that stuff anyways?

This is more of a vent I guess. I know a registry is a request, and that people can buy what they want, but I guess my feelings are kind of hurt, and it is probably for no reason at all.

I just want to know if this is normal. Only three people have bought me wedding presents, and all have gone off my registry even though they knew about it. All of them are on my FI''s side. My FI''s mother has kind of been dropping me hints that there was something wrong with my registry. A few months ago, she called FI and asked him if I was going to register for silver and china and he told her I had my mother''s and we had no need for more.

Here is the backstory: My mother passed away 6 years ago, and before she died she got china as a gift that my stepfather kept. She was so excited about giving me her old classic white Mikasa and was starting to pack it up before she passed. So my Stepdad spent lots of money shipping it to me along with the fine silverware I grew up with. Those are the only nice things I received from my mother, and I don''t really care to replace it.

So on Friday FI''s mother e-mails me stating that 2 relatives went to a high end department store in Houston and that the gifts are on the way. I e-mailed her and stated I was looking forward to the gifts, but asked her if there was something wrong with the registry. She told me people were upset that I did not register for fine china and silverware and asked me to call her. I wrote her the following.

"I will. I inherited a bunch of the tradational stuff from my mother and have a complete set of fine china and fine silverwhere. Guess that is what happens when you get married later."

Since then she has been writing how great the stuff I registered for is both as an e-mail and on my wedding website, and she has called my FI (he has not called her back). My FI thinks either she was not listening to him when he was trying to talk to her a few months, or she just didn''t put it together that my mother is dead and this is her stuff, and now feels bad for not communicating that to the relatives and going along with a plan to make me reconsider what I registered for.

BTW: I registered for pretty much all the other household goods. Pots and pans, everyday dishes, everyday silverware ect. I consider my registry pretty traditional, just a reflection of what we need. I can''t believe I have offended so many people.

 

[slg47]

disclaimer: I haven''t been to that many weddings and am somewhat young (24)...but here''s my thoughts...

however...my BF and I have talked about this issue, and both of us plan on specifically NOT registering for fine china and silver, mostly because we don''t think we would ever use it. (we know several couples who have it sitting in boxes still). so I am of the opinion that you can register for whatever you want, and that people shouldn''t go out of their way to get you stuff that you didn''t register for, unless it''s a meaningful personal gift, or cash.

is your FI''s family really traditional? maybe that''s the issue...but I''ve never heard of people being ''upset'' that a couple didn''t choose to register for china. it''s the couple''s choice!

minithreadjackI do remember my mom thinking it was really weird that one of my cousins registered for a Wii and a boxed set of Arrested Development DVDs. I mostly thought it was weird that she registered for towels in five different colors, but hey, it''s her registry

 

[Indylady]

I wouldn''t take it too seriously, accept the gift, and put it away once it arrives. If you''re asked, I''d be honest and say that you inherited a set from your mother and love using that set.

I do think lots of people give things off the register. My parents always give a check, and never follow the register. They don''t understand the technology of it and think its a PITA, and often for a wedding we have to travel to, the stores that the couple registered for aren''t available in our town, or they are and its a pain to carry a gift when you''re travelling. They don''t have bad intentions.

Yeah, it irks me that your FMIL gives a crap about what you register for, but..I''d just let it go. Hopefully she''ll let go soon as well, and realize that she doesn''t need to micromanage your registry.

 

[kama_s]

I wouldn''t think twice about it. Sure, they got you gifts off the registry - you thank them and store the gifts away. If anyone asks why you didn''t register for finer ware, then tell them you inherited your late mother''s china, which have deep sentiments attached for you.

I can''t believe people are ''offended'' about the lack of fine china on a registry.

 

[ilovesparkles]

A few things, good for you for not registering for the things you don''t need, only register for what you truly want. I think it is wonderful you are using your late mother''s china and silver, I wish I had such a sentimental set of china and silver.

We really, REALLY want our fine china, and we have only gotten 2 place settings. People are getting us things that we want, but can live without for the time being, like the beautiful acacia salad bowl or the collapsible cake holder. Wonderful items, the same amount of money could have been spent on two soup bowls, or a serving dish, or what have you. I just wish the china would be the first items to go!

The other thing that a few people have done that truly irks me, is look at our registry, then go to a cheap outlet store or such and find us the best cheap version of what we registered for. I don''t want the cheap version, I want what I registered for. If this means you get me less, fine. Give me a gift card that can be put towards a larger item. But now I have a set of metal measuring cups I don''t want, but no way to return them and get what I actually wanted.

On the flip side of this, the few items that people have gotten us that we did not register for, have been wonderful. We received two shadow boxes/picture frames that were personalized with scrapbooking materials, my mom and brother got me a laptop knowing my computer died and I have been driving DH nuts by using his, a gift from Israel, etc.

If I were you, I would do a little research, figure out where the china is/can be purchased and return it. Even if it is for store credit, hopefully you and your FI will find something you really want. Good like and try to take it all with a grain of salt and know that people are trying their best and doing what they think is best, even if it is ridiculous in our eyes!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Thanks guys. I talked to his mother today. I am over it. Maybe it is just one of those pre wedding emotional things.

Part of the reason she thinks there is concern is the high shipping rates at the store we registered. But there is a store 2 miles from my FI, so we are going to see if they can order things to that store and we can just pick it up ourselves. I have no problem doing that.

sig47 - I am finding out they are very traditional, my family is not. I am the first one to throw a traditional wedding in a very long time. My father did not have a traditional wedding. My mother thought weddings were a waste of money. But my FI told me that the aunt who was behind this is a not very nice person (he used more colorful words), and that she does whatever she wants. That actually makes me feel better about the whole thing.

IndyLady- that is exactly what we are going to do. The MIL now feels guilty about something that is honestly not that big of a deal. I kind of feel bad she feels so guilty now.

kama_s - thanks. I am going to keep the stuff and just store it if I don't have room. I really didn't think it would be a big deal, but I guess I am dealing with a more traditional family than I thought.

ilovesparkles - what you said is what my FI said. People get you what THEY want to buy for a wedding. One of the items is going to be from Tiffanys, and the giver is having it engraved (so refund will not be an option). But I figure, why would I complain about something from Tiffany's. I will find a place for that. The other 2 items are from a department store that is only in Houston (5 hours from me 3 hrs from FI). But if it is worth it, we are considering exchanging the items if they are something we have no use for.

Thanks for your advise. Sorry for the rant, I think the "OH my god, wedding is in 3 months!" emotions are starting to kick in.

 

[Gypsy]

((HUGS)) honey. It''s a pain to have to explain every little thing. If you wanted it, you would have registered for it. Just let it roll off your back to the extent you can, vent about it to us, and be thankful most stores have great return policies.

I gotta tell you... shopping AFTER the wedding is one of the best things (other than the planning being over and you know... the whole being married thing) about a wedding. We were just talking to some friends about it who felt the same way. It''s like... suddenly you have all this guilt free money or store credit (or returnable gifts that amount to store credit) and you MUST spend it on yourself. If you don''t like the gifts, make a day of it and drive to the store, stop for a great lunch, then return and buy whatever you want!

Just think of it as a potential fun post marital shopping trip.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

We did not register for fine China. We''re both starting our careers and plan to live in apartments/moving around for a few years. Also, many of my friends were students and I know they couldn''t buy a $100 + set of china, so we figured we would get an incomplete set for the wedding. We were concerned that a pattern would be discontinued by the time we were able to afford to complete it, so... we just didn''t register for any. We registered for "everyday" dishes instead.

I had one bridesmaid pitch a mini-fit about it. She couldn''t believe I wasn''t going to get China, but when I explained the situation, she got it. Nobody else seemed to care or question.

However, we did get a good many off-registry gifts. People really loved to get us wine glasses off-registry, for some reason even though we had TONS of wine glasses ON our registry. We even got some engraved wine glasses with our monograms. They''re really pretty and well used so far, even though my initials were wrong (oops). Someone else got us towels off-registry, but they''re really heavy, plush, basic white- and they''ll get used.

People are confusing sometimes... If you can return those few pieces I would... and then forget about it. They''re at least thoughtful enough to get you a gift.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 6/20/2010 8:40:26 PM
Author: Gypsy
((HUGS)) honey. It''s a pain to have to explain every little thing. If you wanted it, you would have registered for it. Just let it roll off your back to the extent you can, vent about it to us, and be thankful most stores have great return policies.


I gotta tell you... shopping AFTER the wedding is one of the best things (other than the planning being over and you know... the whole being married thing) about a wedding. We were just talking to some friends about it who felt the same way. It''s like... suddenly you have all this guilt free money or store credit (or returnable gifts that amount to store credit) and you MUST spend it on yourself. If you don''t like the gifts, make a day of it and drive to the store, stop for a great lunch, then return and buy whatever you want!


Just think of it as a potential fun post marital shopping trip.

Yeah, it is hard justifying yourself to other people. I do like coming here to vent, I can say the stuff I really can''t say to my family and friends without it coming across the wrong way.

I also got to try on my dress this weekend, and totally cannot fill out the top. Even with a padded bra and pads in the dress. So I went bra shopping and went to 4 different stores including Nordstroms which is usually great. And they told me they don''t have any low back bras my size. That made me feel good

. I love being reminded how little I have up top. I have been meaning to put pics up of it, but am having a lot of trouble cropping them to hide my face. The sales lady had the dress pinned and promised me it would look more like my dress the next visit.

Looking forward to a shopping trip where I not only get to spend money guilt free, but I get to buy non-clothes items.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 6/20/2010 8:52:15 PM
Author: Amanda.Rx
We did not register for fine China. We're both starting our careers and plan to live in apartments/moving around for a few years. Also, many of my friends were students and I know they couldn't buy a $100 + set of china, so we figured we would get an incomplete set for the wedding. We were concerned that a pattern would be discontinued by the time we were able to afford to complete it, so... we just didn't register for any. We registered for 'everyday' dishes instead.


I had one bridesmaid pitch a mini-fit about it. She couldn't believe I wasn't going to get China, but when I explained the situation, she got it. Nobody else seemed to care or question.


However, we did get a good many off-registry gifts. People really loved to get us wine glasses off-registry, for some reason even though we had TONS of wine glasses ON our registry. We even got some engraved wine glasses with our monograms. They're really pretty and well used so far, even though my initials were wrong (oops). Someone else got us towels off-registry, but they're really heavy, plush, basic white- and they'll get used.


People are confusing sometimes... If you can return those few pieces I would... and then forget about it. They're at least thoughtful enough to get you a gift.

For the last 2 years I had fine china in an apartment, and it took a lot of real estate, so I understand where you are coming from. You always loose 1-2 pieces in a move as well. I know I am getting one thing engraved, and I just found out my "name change" plan may not work with the state I am licensed in!!!! Oops. I am glad you are enjoying your off registry stuff. I am sure whatever anyone gets me will end up working out great. I just don't want to replace my Mother's stuff.

 

[slg47]

have you tried a specialty bra store? go to myintimacy.com and there are links for stores in their network in your area. i have found them immensely helpful for my larger size, but i think there are stores that specialize in smaller sizes and/or carry a wide range of smaller sizes also!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 6/20/2010 11:21:57 PM
Author: slg47
have you tried a specialty bra store? go to myintimacy.com and there are links for stores in their network in your area. i have found them immensely helpful for my larger size, but i think there are stores that specialize in smaller sizes and/or carry a wide range of smaller sizes also!

Thanks. Looks like there is a store in Houston, I remember walking buy it now when I drove to Houston to meet my MOH who was there on business. That is an option, it is far, but an option. They have a "best brand for small to medium busts page." Maybe I can work backwards and figure out who else carries these brands.

The Nordstrom in Houston was great too, I actually did what I thought would be all my bra shopping for the year while I was there because they had a section for smaller sizes. The one in San Antonio does not have a section like that. I wonder if Austin would have more selection (and more friendly people). That is much closer. A BM also did the silicone inserts and didn''t wear a bra. Hopefully I will talk to her and find out what that involved doing.