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JCJD

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 8, 2004
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1,977
So as some of you wonderful ladies know, I would prefer to elope or have a tiny destination wedding, while my fiance wants a traditional wedding. I mean, at some level, the traditional wedding really is what I want, but when it comes down to it, I just want to be officially married to my man and be able to go on a wonderful honeymoon somewhere outside the US. So, FI talked me into doing the "real" wedding thing, promising that he would help me out in planning it (I''m a grad student with almost zero time to plan a wedding in 7 months, 3 months to go now). Ok, ok, he didn''t have to try too hard to convince me..... but he did have to convince me some! OK, the problem: I left for a scientific conference last Wednesday and came back yesterday, and I left him a detailed list of 4 items he needed to do for the wedding by the time I came back. I had phone numbers, company names, contact persons, specific questions to ask and/or tasks to accomplish written down on one piece of paper and I talked him through it to make sure he understood why we needed to know when the rental company would drop off and pick up the dance floor, for example. I left him to it and told him I trusted him to get it done and I didn''t mention it at all the entire time I was OOT. So, I come back yesterday, and after dinner, I asked him how he''d done on his list. He had 4 things to do - all entirely accomplishable by phone call, and 6 days to do it, 4 if you don''t include the weekend (which he could have done 2/4 tasks during). Yesterday in fact, he was done with all his work by 11am and my plane didn''t come in until 4:30pm, so he had over 5 hours of free time during the day just yesterday to make a few phone calls. So what did he accomplish you ask???

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

He didn''t even call his brother to ask him to be a groomsman! He didn''t call to reserve the dance floor for our June evening wedding, despite our experiences with booked vendors left and right. The dance floor he decided we should get - I was neutral. Ladies, I am at my wits end. I don''t know what else I can do to get him to participate like he said he wanted to. My ultimatum (found in my "stealing my photographer" thread) threatening to cancel everything and book a Sandals wedding if he didn''t ask his groomsmen within a week only partly worked - we have 2 out of 4 asked and confirmed, the remaining two to be asked include his brother, who lives in town, I might add, and an OOT friend, although he did get that friend''s phone number within my timeline. It has taken him over 2 weeks to NOT finish his daily "Honeydew" list from March 7th. A list of two items, one of which I put on his "While JC is OOT" to-do list. I have no idea what to do next, and I am sick of getting on his tail about this - it''s like all that time that I would be spending calling vendors and making decisions about the wedding is instead spent nagging him to do said activities. Any advice, stories, reassuring words, are appreciated!! Thanks for letting me vent this! I would not be comfortable being so open about all this on the Knot - you gals are great!!
 

sparklish

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 7, 2005
Messages
103
Wow, that is maddening. I would sit down and have a heart to heart and find out why he didn''t do it. Did he just forget or does he not want to? Make a plan for all the things you need him to do between now and the wedding and go over it in detail... explain again how busy you are and discuss how it makes you feel to find that he won''t even do these tasks.

Explain that you don''t want to spend the next few months nagging because then you will just both be miserable. He should decide now whether he''s willing to do some thigns on his own initiative, because otherwise you should be planning the small wedding you wanted.

Some legitimate concerns of his might come up, maybe he has some concerns with planning that are making him reluctant to do it. But if he wants that, he needs to take some initiative!

Tell him that if they aren''t done by the end of two days, you are seriously cancelling everything, and follow through on that!

Good luck!
 

MelissaSue

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 12, 2004
Messages
3,006
thats a man for you! I''m sorry that he let you down there. They just do not get it though. They don''t get that things need to get DONE to have a wedding. They just think that everything will come together. I know how it feels though. It makes you wonder if you will ever be able to depend on them for ANYTHING.. ever!!

I asked my FI two weeks ago to have his family put together their part of the guest list by like... the next day.. have i seen it yet? Not a chance. I THINK he has asked all of his groomsmen, he says he has. Not sure if i beleive him. I try not to put him in charge of anything too important.. He was in charge of booking the church (its his church) and that took him about a month and a half after I asked him. (with lots of nagging). He won''t have too many more responsibilities other than getting his groomsmen measured for tuxes.

He says its his mom that is slacking on the guest list thing.. .. since she is really the one who needs to make the list.. which is making her be on my nerves too.. She worries about moronic things like whether or not to get a limo for the OOT guests for between the ceremony and the reception (REALLY.. shes considering this) and how my back is going to be cold if they put the head table where they normally put it.. (AGAIN.. yes.. REALLY!!) and is not a bit of help for the important things like photographers and florists.

I just got FI to sit down with me for a few minutes and look at some photographers websites. That is one thing i genuinely want his opinion on, because he has a much more artistic eye than I do. He didn''t seem very genuinely interested though. It was sort of like pulling teeth to get an opinion out of him. I thought we had found the perfect photographer.. but of course she is already booked.. because why would something actually work out? I can''t beleive I''m planning everything so far in advance and so many things have already been booked. who ARE these people? People ask me why I am waiting such a long time to get married.. but apparently i''d never have been able to have a wedding otherwise!

Try not to be too hard on him.. Hes a guy.. he can''t help it!! Its probably best to just do what you can yourself!
 

njc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 10, 2004
Messages
1,997
BIG HUGS!!! I feel the same way! I dont get it. After my breakdown Sat (see below) i confessed that somehow in my head, even though i know its not true, his refusal to help me makes me think he doesnt want to get married.

He only has 2 GM so far whom are my brothers and the only reason he has them, is because i called them and handed him the phone. I have repeatedly asked him to call them. He refuses to look at tuxes before July (W-day is Aug 6) because they dont need more than 2 days to get it in. Isnt interested in looking at wbands because they wont take long either (um, hello! Remember you walking into the jewelry store thinking you were going to walk out with my ering? Yeah... that only took 9 weeks). My mom suggested i make a list of everything that has to be done and ask him if he wished to be a part of whatever activity it was... so i did, and it has worked. Before i would say we needed to do something and instead of saying he wasnt interested in it, he would just say he didnt want to do that today, slowing me down. So that has helped... a little.
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Saturday Breakdown: In the middle of a very busy stationary store I screamed "SCREW YOU" really loud and stormed out. I had taken FI in to pick out the fonts for the invitation to which he refused and said his standard "whatever you like is fine". Okay, that got me a little huffy. Then i asked him to get a pen out of my purse (i was busy holding the 30lbs invitation book) so i could write down the font number... he picked it up and looked through it like it was diseased or a tampon was going to jump out and bite him. Now im getting puffy. Then as we are walking out of the store i notice little wax seals, which are something ive been thinking about, so i stop and show him to get his thoughts. He says something like "oh that would be lovely" in an *extremly* mocking voice... that was the last straw... SCREW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I then proceeded to yell at him for the next 2 blocks, still really loud. I mentioned that i had done ALL of HIS work for the rehersal dinner... something that WASNT MY RESPONSIBILTY, its his and his mothers!!! I said that if we were in a certain area and there was something i needed to get done there, he needed to shut the h#ll up and let me do it and not make his little comments like he did with the wax seals. Just because it wasnt something he wasnt interested in doesnt mean its not something that has to get done and since 98% of the time we are always together, he would need to go into a store or something with me! I also through in how i had found a real estate agent, a mortgage lender, a townhouse for us to buy, set up appointments for us and how he has done NOTHING... his ONE responsibility for the townhouse is to find home owners insurance which i gave him 3 weeks ago... HE HAS DONE NOTHING! We close in 2 weeks. I ask repeatedly. And the only major task he is in charge of for the wedding (the thing i thought he would be most interested in) is the honeymoon. NOTHING.

Okay... i apparently needed to rant a bit myself!
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So, you arent the only one JC... i have to remind dozens of times to get things done as well. I dont think they feel the need to get everything done ahead of time the way we do. The annoying thing for me is that i have another friend getting married the end of august... she has EVERYTHING DONE. And her FI has helped her with everything and has all his stuff picked out too. Just burns me up!
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So, unfortunaly, i think we are stuck nagging.
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But a nice chat about not getting his list done might be in order. Just remind him of his promise to help you out... gently! Hopefully that will be all it takes... and if not, just remind yourself this is only a couple months, no matter how hard it is. Then you can go back to the happy couple you were before only better... BECAUSE YOURE MARRIED!!!
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Good luck and come back to rant as often as you need!
 

eks6426

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
2,011
It seems that men just don''t change. I was married before and went through the hell of getting him do things then. Well, now, with a new guy same problems. This weekend, we are supposed to meet with the minister from his home town who we are hoping will travel 3 hours to perform our wedding. It is the ONLY weekend we have to go to his hometown before our July 3 wedding (his hometown is nearly a 7 hour drive from where we live now). Has he called the minister yet to set up a time or even check to see if he is in town this weekend (Easter weekend). Nope. It''s Wednesday. He said he might call them while we are driving down there Friday night? Friday for a meeting that needs to be Saturday? I really, really wanted to do the Sandals wedding but he wanted his immediate family there and they can''t afford to travel. So, we are trying to do something small....under 75 people so he thinks it''s like throwing a dinner party. But it''s not. There are still many of the same details as for a 300 person wedding....

I''ve wondered what weddings would be like if all of the brides said, I''m getting my dress and the rest is up to you.
 

njc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 10, 2004
Messages
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Date: 3/23/2005 10:21:14 AM
Author: IslandDreams

I''ve wondered what weddings would be like if all of the brides said, I''m getting my dress and the rest is up to you.
HA HA! I picture a smokey, hole-in-the-wall bar with cocktail weinies and hot wings. Flip-flops and cut off shorts. Only those that could come on the 2 day notice would be there. No flowers, no rings, no minister... just someone who kinda knows what to do.

I dont know whats keeping you from calling the minister! Im about 3 days away from calling a travel agent and the insurance company. I want him to do it to help me out, but at the same time i want him to fail miserable so i have to swoop in and save the day. Either way, all the worrying ive been doing is stressing me out!
 

JCJD

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 8, 2004
Messages
1,977
Thanks ladies!!! I had a chat with him last night, 2 actually. Every Tuesday I go to dinner with my mom, sibs, and FI, and when we left the restaurant, I asked if he''d gotten anything done for the wedding. "No, I was too busy today. But everything will come together in the end." Grrrr....... doesn''t mean we don''t have to do work to make sure it comes together in the end - plans don''t just take care of themselves, boy!! So that was conversation 1. He had to go to a meeting, afterwards came over to my apt, we had conversation #2. That time, I pointed out that he''s had the dance floor reservation on his list for 3 weeks now, he''s had plenty of opportunities to call them but just hasn''t. I pointed out that my ultimatum RE his G-men only kind of worked, that my girls had ordered their dresses before he''d asked any of his boys, including his freaking brother!!! Plus, he didn''t ask that second GM until 4 hours before his deadline was up, and only because I made him call him that minute. I reminded him that he didn''t talk to his friend who works for an A/V company about renting speakers and an amp for 2 weeks until I asked that friend to ask FI about "speakers" - and even then I had to remind the friend to ask!! Boys...... I reminded him that June is a very very busy wedding month, especially our weekend we''ve discovered, and that we''ve already experienced many booked vendors - over 10 photographers, 4 or 5 caterers, 2 florists and 6 reception sites - and this rental company is the ONLY ONE in our area - so if their dance floor is taken, we won''t get another one. Etc etc, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda... After that reminding, I asked what I can do to help him get motivated to help like he says he wants to. After looking shocked for a moment and thinking about it, he said to just keep doing what I''ve been doing - writing him lists and nagging..... Ugh... My fiance WANTS me to nag him! I wish I had that on record!! Anyways (sorry, I know this doesn''t flow well at all!!), I then pointed out that that method hasn''t been working - I''ve been nagging him about the dance floor for 3 weeks, which has taken significant mental energy and introduced way too much stress into my life, whereas if I''d just called the rental company myself, it would have been done 3 weeks ago and I could have stopped worrying right then and there - what''s MY motivation to keep giving him tasks to do if I have to spend MORE energy REMINDING him to do them than if I''d done them myself?? And if I could save energy doing everything for this wedding that I never wanted to plan in the first place, then why are we having a wedding! This is what he wants, we are having a wedding because he said he would help with all the plans, so why am I the one who is working the hardest? He said he understood why I was freaking about it and why I''m so frustrated with his lackluster involvement.
So, hopefully he got it this time...... only time will tell....... and I''m sorry to say I don''t have high hopes.....
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Sparklish - Thanks!! I tried to figure out why he didn''t make those phone calls, and I couldn''t get a clear answer from him - he just didn''t do it. He had plenty of time Monday, he had time last week, he could have called GM-to-be this weekend, but he just didn''t. If he doesn''t get anything done today...... I''ll look into how much a Sandals wedding costs.....
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Melissa - They really do think that everything magically comes together!! It''s absurd! Mine actually looked surprised when I pointed out that we have to actually do work to make sure everything does come together! It''s like he thinks there''s some wedding fairy out there that stuffs vendors under your pillow while you sleep..... I really don''t think he understands about the dance floor thing - there is NOBODY else in town that rents dance floors! They might not even have any left, for all we know! If he''d just call the freaking company!! GRRRRRR!!!!!! Sorry about your FMIL. That is kind of silly to worry about transportation for OOT guests before worrying about photogs and florists!
See, my FI is perfectly fine looking at info and weighing costs and benefits of diff vendors with me, and he''ll go online to gather info too, but he won''t make a phone call if his life depended on it sometimes! It must be the computer geek inside him.....

njc - Do boys just not learn from experience??? Honestly!!! I''m sorry he''s being such a jerk. I hope you were able to get through to him and he realizes how much work this really is and pitches in more. Hang in there!!!

IslandDreams - LOL!!! He thinks he can call the minister the day before you want to meet while you''re driving 7 hours down there!!!!! Wow... While I hope everything works out for you, I also sort of hope the minister can''t meet and your guy learns his lesson.
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And if wedding planning were completely up to the men, nobody would be married!!
 

Gale

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 3, 2004
Messages
472
JCDC I so very much sympathise with you! My idea of a dream wedding is city hall and a dinner reservation. Peter, on the other hand, wants the whole schmear. Of course, this does not excite me in the least, and we have managed a sort of compromise. A destination wedding that will require the use of a wedding planner. No vendor search for me. No worries about the dance floor, ''cause there won''t be one. When Peter looked at a quote for what HE wants to have for the wedding, things changed a whole lot. I am hoping I can swing him round to the no-fuss-no-muss thing, but I don''t think it''s going to happen. He knows that ALL I will arrange is my dress, his wedding band, the cake flavour (as a baker, I''m fussy about that), and the champagne (I have a friend with great champagne connections). THAT''S IT! If he wants to plan a big splash out, it''s all his ballgame. I am merely along for the ride. If it doesn''t work out to be what he wanted, then it''s all down to him. He knows the score. I''ve made it plenty clear that wedding planning is not my idea of a good time. On the other hand, if he wants to change his mind about the plans, then I can take that in hand and make it so!

By the way, I saw your dress on that show me the dress thread. Very pretty!
 

JCJD

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
1,977
Thanks Gale! I'm glad I'm not the only "weird-o" who doesn't want the bells-and-whistles-big-fancy-wedding thing with a fiance who does! LOL! They are a rare breed, aren't they? And thanks!! I LOVE my dress!!!

I'm sort of hoping that when JD calls the rental company, they'll tell him that they just reserved their last dance floor the day before and if he wants one to contact this company in Iowa or Kansas (read: MILEAGE COSTS!!)
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That'll teach him to procrastinate, and I'll get a chance to think "I told you so!" I won't tell him that, but I'd sure be thinking it!!! And then maybe he'd get his butt in gear!


*Sigh!* A girl can dream, can't she?
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Gale

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 3, 2004
Messages
472
I sooo... know how you feel about that dance floor being previously rented. And boy don''t I hate myself for those feelings after I admit them to myself. We have similar issues.

My friends are all amazed. "You''re letting him do what????"

Let me tell you, the whole big fancy things has never been my idea of a good time. Too much planning, and as you know, too much stress. I get the luxury of standing back and saying that it''s not my show. How bad can it go wrong? Well, if the officiant does not show up, there will be h-e-double-hockey-sticks to pay, but not until then. On the other hand, I can''t be disappointed with what I did not arrange. If he offers, I''ll choose the style and maybe even the flowers for my bouquet. If he doesn''t, then it''s entirely up to him.

There are many things I do not like about the whole wedding thing. I really don''t want all those who are invited to see my makeup run off of my face during the ceremony. While marraige seems to be a public thing, I really think that those vows are intimate, and as such they should be private (at least to me).
 

aljdewey

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2002
Messages
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Date: 3/23/2005 3
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5:48 PM
Author: JCJD

That''ll teach him to procrastinate, and I''ll get a chance to think ''I told you so!'' I won''t tell him that, but I''d sure be thinking it!!! And then maybe he''d get his butt in gear!

ROFTLMAO! No, JC.....sadly, it won''t teach him anything even if it happens.

Here''s what I''ve found to be the bottom line: Either you guy is a planner, or he isn''t.......and if he isn''t, he won''t get it done no matter HOW much information/detail you give him.

Guys are perfectly fine with accepting that something cannot happen (if that''s the result), so it doesn''t motivate him that you might not get a dance floor. If you don''t, well, then you don''t. Guys are perfectly fine to do without. It''s US that get all worried about things being just-so.

Had the same issue with my hubby.

HIM: Can I help with anything? (Asked out of sense of obligation because my head was doing 360 rotations on my shoulders!)
ME: Yes, I need some help on this - can''t do it all myself. What would you LIKE to work on? How about the honeymoon?
HIM: Sure.....I''ll take care of that.
ME: Here''s what we need: Rates on 1-2 hotels; rates on airfare, rough list of a few things you''d like to see/do while we''re there. Would you do that?
HIM: Sure (said with conviction)

(2.5 months later) -
ME: What information have you gathered for honeymoon?
HIM: Well, I looked at this hotel online.
ME: Good! What''s the cost?
HIM: I haven''t found that out yet.
ME: How about airfare?
HIM: No, haven''t done that.

......followed by much more of the same.

I am the planner in our relationship; he never thinks more than 24 hours in advance of any given event/occasion. If I hadn''t kept saying "let''s go get measured for your tux....let''s go....let''s go", he would have literally been crusing tux stores the day before our wedding trying to get one, I''m sure.

I''ve found that division of labor is much more successful if you ask them to do things they are comfortable doing. Wedding planning isn''t comfortable for guys, so instead, ask him to go get the car''s oil changed, clean the house, pick up dry-cleaning, grocery shop.....whatever tasks he can reasonably do with comfort and with little direction from you so you can do the wedding planning stuff.

JC, in your case, a bit different.....it''s HE who insisted on the "production", and he who pledged to help. In that instance, I''d resign. I''d simply say, "I explained to you up front that I didn''t have the time to commit to planning a "real deal" wedding and that I wanted to elope to Sandals. You pushed to have the big wedding and promised to pitch in with the planning tasks. I agreed to compromise to the kind of wedding *you* wanted based on your agreement to compromise in helping with the tasks to make it happen. You''re not keeping your end of the deal, so the deal is off."

"At this point, we now have 2 choices: 1) go the Sandals route, and we can have an informal BBQ reception later in the summer, or 2) YOU pick up the phone book and hire a wedding planner who will do *everything*, and you cover the cost of her services or subtract them from the budget. Those are the choices we have today." I would make it clear that renewed sincere promises to start helping now are too little/too late because of the timeline....it''s now 3 months before the wedding and that you''re just unwilling to bear the stress of that effort at this point.
 

icekid

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 17, 2004
Messages
7,475
ohhhhhhh JCJD, i really feel for you here. i know my boy will be the same when we really start planning the wedding, and i''ll be a 3rd year med student at the time (read: no time to eat or sleep, let alone plan a wedding from 400 miles away). i am hoping to get engaged sometime soon-ish, just so i''ll have a solid 2 years to plan the wedding and then i won''t have to worry when the boy cannot manage to accomplish anything!

maybe if you try KICKING him hard?
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boys can be suuuuuuch a pain. i hope you get him to help you soon!
 

JessesGrl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 26, 2005
Messages
524
Ladies...it is our day, and while it is "really" about our fiance and ourselves....the color scheme, the dress, the flowers, the invitations....the favors...that is about US....since when did men care about those things....NEVER. I am on wedding overdrive...graduating grad school in May, looking for a job, ect. ect.....getting married in 6 months and still waiting for fiance to do SOMETHING for the wedding!
 

JCJD

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 8, 2004
Messages
1,977
*GASP!!!*

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He....... called ....... rental company ................ reserved...... dance... floor............ I....... ummm.....................................................



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canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 19, 2004
Messages
23,846
Date: 3/23/2005 6:25:38 PM
Author: JCJD
*GASP!!!*

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He....... called ....... rental company ................ reserved...... dance... floor............ I....... ummm.....................................................



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HI:

Glad to hear things are looking up! Hang in there....BTW I saw you/your gown in the other thread and it/you is/are very lovely.

That said, I see that things don''t change much over the years. I too wanted the quiet or elope thingie, but he wanted the big acknowledgement; but didn''t want to have any input into the same. The same excuses surfaced: "no time", "I don''t know what to say", "uh, where is that phone number again"? And when I casually mentioned this to my future M-I-L she seemed to take that as an opening to begin to stronghold the wedding planning--almost at once I began to think that my aloof FI was better than the alternative.....

cheers--Sharon
 

goldenringlets

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2003
Messages
118
JCJD-

You''re life could be my life. I too am a professional scientific type, and my fiance an accomplished physician. So, one would think he could do the tasks I had hoped he would do. NO. It drives me absolutely crazy, to the point of driving aimlessly around the country side trying to figure out how we can avoid fighting. My gay (male) cousin really helped..he said if my fiance were more into the wedding planning, I ought to question his sexuality. The groom''s just meant to show up.... I''ve also decided to do everything, and let his think he''s helping out. Otherwise, I''ll lose it. Essentially, I utterly understand how you feel, and it provides me solace that I''m not the only one with this issue!
 
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