gifts

[pannini]

Sooo I'm not superficial, I swear I'm not, but most of our guests are somewhat aware of the cost of throwing a wedding. Yet, about 1/3 of our guests got us nothing. Some of them have dealt with wedding planning and got married within the past 5-6 years. Why no gifts?

How do you handle the resentment, or avoid it, or how do you confront without sounding/looking like a jerk?

At $200 a head, I was hoping at least a card....

 

[swingirl]

I believe guests have 6 months to a year to send wedding gifts to the married couple. Just remember, gifts are optional. And the cost of your wedding shouldn't be a determining factor for the price of a gift. Hopefully, your guests will come through but if they don't, don't sweat it. You had the wedding for yourself and your husband and if you enjoyed the day, that's all that matters.

 

[Gypsy]

I believe guests have 6 months to a year to send wedding gifts to the married couple. Just remember, gifts are optional. And the cost of your wedding shouldn't be a determining factor for the price of a gift. Hopefully, your guests will come through but if they don't, don't sweat it. You had the wedding for yourself and your husband and if you enjoyed the day, that's all that matters.

What she said.

 

[vc10um]

I believe guests have 6 months to a year to send wedding gifts to the married couple. Just remember, gifts are optional. And the cost of your wedding shouldn't be a determining factor for the price of a gift. Hopefully, your guests will come through but if they don't, don't sweat it. You had the wedding for yourself and your husband and if you enjoyed the day, that's all that matters.

What she said.

Yup, ditto.

Gifts are called gifts for a reason. It was your choice (or the choice of whomever footed the bill) to spend $200/head on the wedding because it was the day you and your DH wanted (or that the person paying envisioned). You invited those guests because you and your DH (and your families, presumably) wanted them to be a part of your special and very important day.

You did not invite them just so they could buy you presents. Or even cards.

This is a realization I had to come to after our wedding as well, since we were in your same postion (though we spent MUCH less than $200/head). Some guests completely dropped the ball...not even a card...but I realized that the day WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THE SAME WITHOUT THEM and there would have been a hole where they should have been. I would rather have had them there, and spent the money on them, and received no gift...then to have them absent and not pay for them and have the gaping hole in the list of attendees.

 

[pannini]

Fair enough. I stand corrected.

 

[SB621]

Eh while I know weddings aren't about gifts I completely understand where you are coming from. I think it is polite to give something or at least a card when you are attending a wedding/ brithday/ shower etc. I'm hoping your friends and family will send something soon to recongize your wedding. I just think it is polite.

 

[blacksand]

I'm with Sarahbear, to be honest. Yes, it is rude to expect gifts, and we all know we should be happy just to have the guests there with us to celebrate our special day. But really, it is equally rude of your guests to not show up with at least a card. Some sort of acknowledgement. It's the polite thing to do. I'm assuming you gave many of these people gifts on their wedding days, so really, it would be kind of them to reciprocate in some way, even if they aren't able to spend a lot of money at the moment. Perhaps you will still receive gifts in the coming months, however. Time will tell.

 

[amc80]

I'm with Sarahbear, to be honest. Yes, it is rude to expect gifts, and we all know we should be happy just to have the guests there with us to celebrate our special day. But really, it is equally rude of your guests to not show up with at least a card. Some sort of acknowledgement. It's the polite thing to do. I'm assuming you gave many of these people gifts on their wedding days, so really, it would be kind of them to reciprocate in some way, even if they aren't able to spend a lot of money at the moment. Perhaps you will still receive gifts in the coming months, however. Time will tell.

I completely agree with this. It's rude to expect a gift, but it's also rude to not be a gracious guest. Even a card. I think too many events these days are gift-centered (showers, bach. parties, engagement parties, etc.). We didn't even register because we don't want our guests to feel like we are expecting anything, especially since it's a destination wedding.

 

[vc10um]

I'm with Sarahbear, to be honest. Yes, it is rude to expect gifts, and we all know we should be happy just to have the guests there with us to celebrate our special day. But really, it is equally rude of your guests to not show up with at least a card. Some sort of acknowledgement. It's the polite thing to do. I'm assuming you gave many of these people gifts on their wedding days, so really, it would be kind of them to reciprocate in some way, even if they aren't able to spend a lot of money at the moment. Perhaps you will still receive gifts in the coming months, however. Time will tell.

blacksand (and sarahbear) I completely agree with this sentiment. But, when it comes to the OP's case, there's really nothing she can do about how rude the attendees were, she can only change her perception of what happened. Was it rude of them? YES. ABSOLUTELY. 100%. But since she can't change THEM, she CAN reframe the situation...since dwelling on their rude behavior will only color their interactions in the future (and I'm assuming since these people were important enough to attend the wedding that they will be a part of OP and her DH's future)...

So to clarify...it's not wrong to feel how you do, pannini...believe me, I was right there with you...but the only thing you can do is change your perspective on the situation. Otherwise you'll just harbor nasty feelings for these people for years to come. I'm sorry if this wasn't clear in my previous post.

 

[blacksand]

Agreed, vc10um. You're absolutely right, no good will come of dwelling on bad feelings, even if those feelings are [in my opinion] justified.

 

[amc80]

Pannini, I'm going to slightly highjack to ask a related question. Do you guys think it's weird when people RSVP without writing anything on the card? I know if I can't make a wedding I always write a little note, something like "sorry we can't be there, we'll be thinking of you" or similar. It's interesting, all of my friends/family who can't make it have written some sort of note, but DF's family just checks "no" and leave it at that.

 

[blacksand]

amc, I always write a little note as well, whether I'm replying yes or no, but especially if I can't make it. I also send a gift. But a lot of people don't even seem to find it necessary to reply at all, so I guess it just is what it is. I know some otherwise very nice people who just don't think to do things like that, so I try not to let it bother me too much. Some people would rather say something about not being able to attend when they see you in person, or if they think you already know they can't make it, they don't see a need to write a note. It's not a big deal either way, although I certainly I understand feeling miffed when you receive a flat "no" from an invitee. Just remember the people behind the response card.

 

[mogster]

Pannini, I'm going to slightly highjack to ask a related question. Do you guys think it's weird when people RSVP without writing anything on the card? I know if I can't make a wedding I always write a little note, something like "sorry we can't be there, we'll be thinking of you" or similar. It's interesting, all of my friends/family who can't make it have written some sort of note, but DF's family just checks "no" and leave it at that.

Maybe some people just don't realize that that's an expectation. Weddings have their own etiquette in which not everyone is fully versed. I'm attending my first wedding as an adult and had to fill out one of those cards. I never knew that I had to write a note until I googled what the heck to write in the "M_____________________________________" and found that I was supposed to include a note. Reservation cards seem straightforward enough, right? There's a box for yes or no, and maybe your food preference, but not one for a congratulatory note, so I would have never thought to include one.

 

[amc80]

Pannini, I'm going to slightly highjack to ask a related question. Do you guys think it's weird when people RSVP without writing anything on the card? I know if I can't make a wedding I always write a little note, something like "sorry we can't be there, we'll be thinking of you" or similar. It's interesting, all of my friends/family who can't make it have written some sort of note, but DF's family just checks "no" and leave it at that.

Maybe some people just don't realize that that's an expectation. Weddings have their own etiquette in which not everyone is fully versed. I'm attending my first wedding as an adult and had to fill out one of those cards. I never knew that I had to write a note until I googled what the heck to write in the "M_____________________________________" and found that I was supposed to include a note. Reservation cards seem straightforward enough, right? There's a box for yes or no, and maybe your food preference, but not one for a congratulatory note, so I would have never thought to include one.

Hmm, interesting. I guess I wasn't looking at it as etiquette, more of as general manners. I mean if I were invited to anything, whether it be in person, via email, phone, etc., and I couldn't go, I wouldn't just say "no." I would decline and say something like "but I really wish we could make it." Something.