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Do you actually try to follow the *pay for your plate* guideline?

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musey

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Another thread reminded me tat I''ve been meaning to ask this...

So, do you? If so, how do you begin to estimate the cost?

For instance, our reception costs (food/bar/service/rentals) will come to about $120/head when all is said and done (not bad for LA). When asked about wedding stuff, many of my friends say "It must get so expensive! How much does it end up costing, like $30 for each person??"

So I then realized that, quite honestly, I have little more insight into "pricing my head" than I did before I began planning my own wedding. I now assume between $80-$150, but who knows.


I guess it''s all a relatively moot point because people just give what they can (including myself), but I started becoming curious as to how this guideline ever came to be in the first place. How, short of calling the venue for their pricing, would anyone ever be able to accurately guess at the per person price?
 

Gypsy

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This ''guideline'' is a pet peeve of mine. HUGE pet peeve. So I''m gonna keep this REALLY short.

First, it''s a regional thing. I''m from CA and had NEVER heard of this so called rule until we moved to NJ.

Second, NO I absolutely do not. I pay what I can afford and what I feel is appropriate for the relationship. It is not MY problem that a person I USED to be close to and feel duty bound to attend the wedding of has chosen the W in NYC, while my best friend chose a dessert reception on a beach in her home town. My best friend is getting a nicer present and the person who chose the W... is getting what they get.

I do NOT believe in covering my plate. I''m a guest. I would be horrified if people felt obligated to re-imburse me for a dinner party they attend at my home... same thing for attending my wedding.

Not so short, but this is a HOT button topic for me.
 

iheartscience

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I had never heard of the "pay for your plate" thing until I saw a wedding show about a hilariously stereotypical Long Island couple. It''s definitely a regional thing, I think. I never even think about it when I attend a wedding. I buy what I want to buy or give what I want to give and that''s pretty much it! I hope people do the same for my wedding. I''m with Gypsy-I would be horrified if my guests felt like they had to cover their expenses at a party I''m hosting!

I think wedding stuff is really just out of control!
 

Class n Sass

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I have recently discovered that this is a regional thing; however, since I live in NYC I do cover my plate when I attend weddings.
 

musey

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Date: 12/11/2007 7:52:14 PM
Author: thing2of2

I think wedding stuff is really just out of control!
Totally agree. I haven''t attended many weddings, and only one as an adult, so I still get a little guest paranoia over following proper etiquette!

This came up because FMIL is insisting that we include registry info in our invitations, because "people will feel weird asking."
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(guess who''s not gonna win that battle?
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) She also thinks we should register in a certain range ($100-180) so it will be obvious what people "should" spend.

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zoebartlett

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Maybe the concept of paying for your plate is an old-fashioned one. Maybe it was done at some point in time but I''ve never known anyone to actually do it (or expect others to). I''m in the northeast and I have heard of it but again, I''ve don''t know anyone that''s done it. I can understand why someone may want to cover the cost of their meal when giving a wedding gift (although I really don''t agree) but to expect that their guests to do it is absurd. As Gypsy said, I wouldn''t expect guests at a dinner party to reimburse me for the cost of having that party.
 

partyjewels

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I didn''t read the other replies yet, but I don''t follow it at all! I go by what I can afford and how close they are to me and FI. I don''t feel the guest should worry about having to "pay back" the bride and groom for their choices.

I''m curious though, for those who follow it, do you factor in if they''re having an open bar, partial or cash bar? Or is it purely the cost of the plate in front of you?
 

upgrading mama

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I am from Upstate NY and I am greek. Not sure which of these two factors (or neither, or both!) affect our decision, but yes we try to do this.
Meaning, we try to give about 50 bucks a person or so. We never give a registry gift at the reception, always cash..it is just easier to deliver.

Obviously, there is no person there checking if you ''covered'' your plate and not letting you in, it is just somewhat customary here. I had my godmother''s family give us $800 for our wedding and friends who gave $30 and a couple who gave zero....so all in all, it balances out. I will say that with almost 300 invited guests (220 or so showed up)after expenses, we still had almost $10,000 which was a huge blessing.. Obviously, you should always give within your means, and what your heart leads you to do- depending on the relationship you have with the couple.

I know that after having my own wedding in 2003 and knowing all that goes into it,etc the generosity was a huge blessing to us and I try to pass that on when we attend a wedding now.
 

CrownJewel

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I''m from CT/NJ/NYC and no one I know really refers to it as "paying for your plate," but there is an "average" that you try to give at a wedding. I''m sure this average is based upon the "paying for your plate" rule, but I don''t know anyone who considers it that way. The average is about $150 per person, give or take $50. However, I have been to a few $500 per person weddings, and I know NONE of my friends can give that much. There''s no way we "pay for our plate" at those types of weddings. It''s always, try to give the "average."
 

isaku5

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I had never even heard of the "cover your plate" custom until our daughter had a Greek boyfriend. He had been the best man (forget the Greek word) at a number of his friends'' weddings and spoke of that custom. In addition, you were expected to give a nice gift (of money). I have to admit, I was horrified that this was a custom at both the Greek and Italian weddings (maybe other cultures too). Anyway, whenever we attend any wedding, we give a gift of money and it''s usually around $100-$200 total depending on how well we know the couple or their parents. The bride and groom can use it any way they wish; it doesn''t matter to us.
 

Haven

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(I agree with everything Gypsy said.)

NO, I do not try to "cover my plate" and I would be horrified if I knew that any of my friends or family members were trying to decipher how much to give us based on their estimate of what their plate costs at our wedding.

I don''t know where this phenomenon began, but people do talk about this in Chicago and unfortunately even a few friends of mine whined about "rude" family members who didn''t even cover their plates with their gifts for their weddings. These complaints are not only horribly rude, but incredibly tacky.

FI and I give gifts based on how close we are to the couple, and what we feel is financially appropriate. We generally give between $200 and $500 as a couple, the $500 is mostly for close family members. When I was right out of college I gave between $50 and $100 myself.

Of course, if we''ve been invited to multiple showers and other wedding-related parties we will sometimes take that into consideration. For example, I was invited to FOUR wedding showers for one bride, and spent between $40 and $60 for each shower gift, so I gave the couple $75 for the wedding.

Musey--You''re so sweet to worry about this issue. I think you should let your relationship with the couple and your own comfort dictate how much you give.
 

bee*

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I wouldn''t follow that either. The amount I give is usually based on how close I am to the couple and I''d usually give at least €100.
 

anchor31

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Eeep! It''s true that people who know nothing about weddings largely underestimate the costs. My FI''s sister once told him: "It''ll probably cost you about 1.5k in total, right?"
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Try 5 times more, plus rings and honeymoon...

I don''t see how one can follow this "guideline" without actually telling their guests their rates per person. I''ve been told that it''s being done in QC (and I''m highly ashamed of this) to actually ask their guests to "pay for their plate" in cash to attend the reception (as in, it''s written on the invitation that they are invited at the reception at the cost of X), which is basically the same thing. I was invited to one of those, and I did not go. I was told by 3 people that I should do that, my FI''s mother even tried to manipulate us into doing it (perhaps she wanted to make sure she wouldn''t have to feel guilty for not giving us a penny?), but there is no way we are doing it.

Musey, I''m sure you''re not getting married for the gifts, so tell your FMIL. I''m sure you know better than to include your registry info with your invitations, and I really think you should register for what you want/need even if it''s not in the 100$-180$ range. Some people can''t afford to give 200$ gifts, and that should be respected.
 

Tacori E-ring

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No, I have never even thought of it.
 

sumbride

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No No No No No!!!

I give what I want to give!

In the case of a recent wedding I attended, I gave what I wanted, but then added a little more to get to "free shipping" because I didn''t want her gift to be smaller (and cost the same) because I had to pay for shipping. She must have noticed though because she "matched" it with the gift she gave us. Yes, I noticed, but I was more thrilled about the fact that she got me something I really wanted!

My mom practices the "matching gifts" thing... When I said "wow, so and so gave us a really nice gift!" she said "they should! I gave their daughter a really nice gift too!" I think this is more of a tradition in the south than the "cover your plate" thing because we don''t usually give cash/checks. I had 400 guests attend my wedding and we got a grand total of $1800 in cash/checks. Most of it was from relatives who knew we really really didn''t want another crystal bowl! (I got 12 crystal bowls.)
 

musey

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Date: 12/12/2007 8:45:24 AM
Author: anchor31

Musey, I''m sure you''re not getting married for the gifts, so tell your FMIL. I''m sure you know better than to include your registry info with your invitations, and I really think you should register for what you want/need even if it''s not in the 100$-180$ range. Some people can''t afford to give 200$ gifts, and that should be respected.
Yes yes, I know. It has always been my plan to not include registry info anywhere... and if people are interested, they''ll ask. We did a "for fun" registry last summer (since the wedding was too far away to actually register), and had items everywhere between $4-$150. FI showed FMIL our test registry and this is when it came up.

Honestly, I feel as though I don''t even want to register at all, and just say "no gifts, please!" with all this craziness!
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brgirl

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I had never heard of ''pay for your plate'' until I came on pricescope last year. (I''m from the south) And now, I find myself thinking about that when I am giving a gift at someone else''s wedding!!! I don''t want to, but sometimes those thoughts just sneak in there....
 

ChargerGrrl

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Date: 12/11/2007 7:30:12 PM
Author: Gypsy
This ''guideline'' is a pet peeve of mine. HUGE pet peeve. So I''m gonna keep this REALLY short.

First, it''s a regional thing. I''m from CA and had NEVER heard of this so called rule until we moved to NJ.

Second, NO I absolutely do not. I pay what I can afford and what I feel is appropriate for the relationship. It is not MY problem that a person I USED to be close to and feel duty bound to attend the wedding of has chosen the W in NYC, while my best friend chose a dessert reception on a beach in her home town. My best friend is getting a nicer present and the person who chose the W... is getting what they get.

I do NOT believe in covering my plate. I''m a guest. I would be horrified if people felt obligated to re-imburse me for a dinner party they attend at my home... same thing for attending my wedding.

Not so short, but this is a HOT button topic for me.
The ever-awesome Gypsy took the words right out of my mouth, including the I''m from CA part!
 

aljdewey

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Date: 12/11/2007 7:55:16 PM
Author: musey

She also thinks we should register in a certain range ($100-180) so it will be obvious what people ''should'' spend.

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Gypsy

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Date: 12/12/2007 1:12:08 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl


Date: 12/11/2007 7:30:12 PM
Author: Gypsy
This 'guideline' is a pet peeve of mine. HUGE pet peeve. So I'm gonna keep this REALLY short.

First, it's a regional thing. I'm from CA and had NEVER heard of this so called rule until we moved to NJ.

Second, NO I absolutely do not. I pay what I can afford and what I feel is appropriate for the relationship. It is not MY problem that a person I USED to be close to and feel duty bound to attend the wedding of has chosen the W in NYC, while my best friend chose a dessert reception on a beach in her home town. My best friend is getting a nicer present and the person who chose the W... is getting what they get.

I do NOT believe in covering my plate. I'm a guest. I would be horrified if people felt obligated to re-imburse me for a dinner party they attend at my home... same thing for attending my wedding.

Not so short, but this is a HOT button topic for me.
The ever-awesome Gypsy took the words right out of my mouth, including the I'm from CA part!
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Thank you CG! I honestly felt like I was in the twilight zone when I first heard about this 'rule'. There were SO MANY flaws with the logic that I was left speechless.

As you've noticed... I've recovered the ability to speak though.
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Musey, you register for whatever you feel you need. As a guest at many weddings (too many cousins)... I've always admired people who have a broad range of price ranges for items represented on their registry.

I will tell you that one of my cousins who married a very well off gentleman (I've had quite a few cousins to this, but for love, this particular cousin had more mercenary motives and is now divorced... but I digress) ONLY registered at Gumps and Tiffanys. Her forks cost 150 each and they were the least expensive items on the registry. Plus she invited everyone and their dog to this thing, clearly for gifts... SO she got some very 'dissapointing' gifts and from people who could afford it too (not just starving students like me) because she really ticked people off with her presumption. She got a hodgepodge of non-registry gifts that were, I think, deliberate slaps in the face-- all WITHOUT receipts or return information. She had the most amazing 'Ugly Vase' collection after the wedding. It was hilarious, but sad too.
 

zoebartlett

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Since it''s been talked about, registering is fun but a little odd too...well, at least to us. We''re both in our thirties (I guess mid thirties now, sheesh, I just realized that) so it felt weird to be scanning things we could buy ourselves if we really wanted to. Eventually we gave in and thought about the people who rely on registries when giving gifts.
 

sap483

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FI and I will generally give between $200- $500 as a couple. The amount is in no way based on how expensive the wedding is, but rather on how close we are to the couple. I would never expect my guests to cover their plate. Someone also mentioned giving based on what you''ve received- my mom made me give her a list of what we received from her friends after our engagement party for that purpose!
 

jerseygrl

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I think the world of weddings has changed... 30 years ago, weddings weren''t as lavish and couples probably always made a ''profit'' on their wedding, whereas today, I think it is very rare that the wedding gifts amount to more than the wedding costs...

I don''t know where the "cover your plate" idea came from, but I like Sophie am Greek and I had NEVER heard that expression until speaking with my Italian FMIL. I understand where the theory of "cover your plate" stems from, you want to give the couple a GIFT to start their life with, you don''t want them to be in debt from their wedding reception.... I think it is a nice thought but very old fashioned.
 

Class n Sass

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I was talking to my wedding planner at my reception venue and she said that she has had guests call and ask how much the couple was paying per plate so that they knew what type of gift to give. She of course would not give out that kind of information but nevertheless people still try.
 

Pandora II

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I had never heard of this until PS.

FI and I tend to spend $100 between us on a wedding gift.

However, I''m an antique english silver fanatic - so I will hunt down a piece (normally simple candlesticks as they go with everything and look lovely for dinner parties). For $100, I can normally find something that would cost $200-$300 retail.

Hence why I hate people asking for money as it deprives me of a fun treasure hunt!

For our registry I am putting on most things around the $20 - $50 mark, so people can buy what they can afford. The only expensive item will be a Kenwood mixer which is around $700 here and I am already feeling guilty about putting that on.

What''s the most expensive item that you have all put on your registry''s?
 

Asscherhalo_lover

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I''m from Long Island, actually, I live here right now, lol. I can say that "pay for your plate" is something we all know about since a huge part of our population is Italian, Greek, and a whole lot of other cultures that have this tradition. People in this area generally also make enough money that "paying for your plate" even if it isn''t by any means chump change, isn''t a problem. Is this the truth for everyone, not at all, but it is fairly common here.

A wedding here is a big deal, and most couples expect to walk away with at least what they put into the wedding if not more. It''s part of setting up a house and it usually involves cash. In this area, it''s kind of understood. Different strokes for different folks!
 

diamondfan

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I agree, Gypsy!

I think this is crass and nasty. How should I, as a guest, begin to know what someone spent per person? How is it my business or my obligation? And if they are only throwing the wedding in order to break even, they should not even bother. Rude and tacky is my view. You are invited to share in their day. You give what you can afford to give. What you spend is not a measure of how you view the couple or special your relationship is. Hogwash and offensive to boot.
 

mrchips

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In terms of following the plate, being Italian, its something I''ve become accustomed to and is just natural.

Envelopes used to start at $100, now the starting amount i give is average $130, no matter if its an Italian wedding. The last wedding I went to I put in $150 - covers the plate and some more to help the newlyweds out.
 

CaliCushion

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I pay as much as I can afford to. I''d give the same amount of money regardless of the price of the wedding. Heck, the brides and grooms who have the fanciest weddings probably need the gifts and money the least!
 

swingirl

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Whoa! With weddings getting so lavish at $100-$200 a plate it makes the guest start to consider whether they should go at all if the plate is so expensive. Consider a family of 4 (2 adults, 2 teens) who has to spend money on everyone''s outfit, transportation (if they are from out-of-town) AND a $400 to $800 gift to cover their plates. I might pass up spending that much money and just send a lovely gift and hope to see pictures! Good thing this is not customary in my family. I''ve never heard of or thought of "covering the plate" when it comes to giving a gift. I assume a the couple creates the kind of wedding they can afford and want. The gift is not meant to pay off the wedding.
 
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