Compromises?

[mimzy]

Lately FI has been fake-guilt tripping me into letting him have his way with a bunch of stuff for the wedding. His leverage includes letting me use my preferred processional song (which isn''t traditional at all, when he wanted canon in d) and the location (he wanted it at a hall in his hometown....which wasn''t exactly what i was thinking). so because i came out on top with these two things, he''s gotten to choose...

- the bouquet: i''ll be carrying the hand tied bouquet he likes instead of the presentation style that i liked
- the music: during the cocktail hour we''ll be listening to a mix of the music we listen to (descendants,knapsack,the format, etc) instead of more blue-sy/jazzy stuff that fits the venue (not that i am really fighting this one)
- my hair: it will be up, instead of the down ''do i wanted (BUT i get to pick the color, so that was a mini victory for me)
-recessional song: we''re doing whatever the traditional song is when i had my heart set on another song

these things haven''t been the source of tension or anything, but i think i was surprised with how disappointed i actually felt when i realized that i wasn''t going to be able to do the things that i was hoping to do. I know that no two people have the EXACT same vision for their wedding day and it actually makes me feel a little excited that FI cares about his own vision enough to stand up for what he wants. but it still makes me sad to delete all those beautiful down hairstyles!

So what are some things that you have had to compromise on or totally concede to your FI regarding the wedding? What has your FI compromised on for you?

 

[iheartscience]

Well I think if you feel disappointed about these things, you need to stand up for yourself. He gets to pick his own attire and hairstyle, yes? Then you should, too. I don''t know, him telling you how to do your hair and picking out the bouquet you carry doesn''t sit well with me since it''s not what you wanted or envisioned for your wedding day. And a fake guilt trip is just plain old passive aggressive behavior, in my opinion.

And I am not one of those "It''s MY day!" type of brides because I realize two people are getting married, but you are the one wearing the hair and carrying the bouquet, so in my opinion, that''s your choice 100%. Totally not my business of course, but I just started typing as soon as I read your post...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Ohh, so not fair that he gets to choose your bouquet and hairstyle!!! You should get double points or something for making those compromises!!

I don''t think we had many compromses--the biggest one was that I wanted to elope and he wanted a traditional wedding, so we ended up with a really small, not-very-traditional wedding. I didn''t have anything that was really important to me except that we stayed in budget, that I got to have a wiffle ball tournament at the rehearsal dinner and that I got to walk to Bach''s Cello Suite #1...he liked all of those decisions. Oh, and he had to plan a big chunk of it, which was only fair. The whole thing ended up much more formal than I ever intended, but I was happy that it was something we both loved.

Have you guys created a list of the things that are absolutely MOST important to you? I think that if there are some things that mean a great deal to you individually, then you shouldn''t have to compromise on those things. Otherwise, I don''t think a little compromise is that bad...you might end up liking each other''s choices. If nothing else, it will definitely be a blending of both of your personalities, which is nice.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 6/10/2008 10:08:45 PM
Author: thing2of2
Well I think if you feel disappointed about these things, you need to stand up for yourself. He gets to pick his own attire and hairstyle, yes? Then you should, too. I don''t know, him telling you how to do your hair and picking out the bouquet you carry doesn''t sit well with me since it''s not what you wanted or envisioned for your wedding day. And a fake guilt trip is just plain old passive aggressive behavior, in my opinion.


And I am not one of those ''It''s MY day!'' type of brides because I realize two people are getting married, but you are the one wearing the hair and carrying the bouquet, so in my opinion, that''s your choice 100%. Totally not my business of course, but I just started typing as soon as I read your post...

i totally know what you are saying, but he asked respectfully and i''m happy to oblige him. it sounded like it meant a lot to him and i''ve already picked out a dress that wasn''t exactly what he described as something he''d really like. besides, i FULLY intend to give him my two cents about the tux he picks out for himself, and only seems fair that i at least consider what he "has always dreamt of" (the fake guilt trip really wasn''t aggressive - we tease each other and i said there was no way i was going to do that (wear my hair up) and he brought up all the things that he''s given in on and when he saw that i paused to seriously consider it he just ran with it). he''s not being controlling or anything, he''s letting me know his preferences when i ask him for them and i''m obliging because i want to make him happy. i mean, if your FI gave you a cute little spiel about how he''s always envisioned you blah blah blah, wouldn''t that soften you up to compromise a bit?

. if it was really important to me i would fight it, but in the great scheme of things, hairstyles and bouquets aren''t that high on my list! if i stood firm on everything that i would feel disappointment over, he wouldn''t get anything he wanted!

surely there have got to be other girls out there who gave in to their FI''s on things! cake flavors, centerpieces, something!

 

[mimzy]

Date: 6/10/2008 10:17:42 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Ohh, so not fair that he gets to choose your bouquet and hairstyle!!! You should get double points or something for making those compromises!!

Have you guys created a list of the things that are absolutely MOST important to you? I think that if there are some things that mean a great deal to you individually, then you shouldn''t have to compromise on those things. Otherwise, I don''t think a little compromise is that bad...you might end up liking each other''s choices. If nothing else, it will definitely be a blending of both of your personalities, which is nice.

haha, i did get double points! but just enough to cover choosing the venue and the processional song (which he was very against)!

that''s great that you guys were able to compromise and that your wedding turned out to be something you both loved

and we actually did do that list! the venue, dress, and processional song (which i''ve wanted since i was 13) were most important to me, and he said that my outfit (collective) and the music (collective..processional included) were most important to him. so we did halvsies - he gets to pick the music minus the processional, and i chose the dress i loved (which was pretty much the opposite of what he had hoped i would pick) and i''ll give in on the other parts of it (since there''s not really an emotional attachment to them). and hopefully you are right - i really hope he ends up liking my choices

...and i''m sure my hair and bouquet will be just lovely (second choice is only one under first, after all!)

 

[tiffanytwisted]

We totally had to compromise on cake flavors. He liked the chocolate, I wanted vanilla with raspberry filling. We ended up with both, BUT the top (which we had on our anniversary) was chocolate.
Our big thing was that he was adament about not seeing me before the ceremony. I really wanted to get the pictures out of the way so we''d have more time with our guests, to enjoy the cocktail hour with them. But I did give in to that and it worked out fine.
Other than that he didn''t care about a lot of that stuff. I did like chocolate brown tuxes which he hated. OH, and he insisted I have 2 aisle runners (we needed 2 to go the whole length of the aisle) There was a fountain in the middle (we got married at an old victorian greenhouse) and I was fine with the aisle runner ending at the fountain but he insisted.
He had no say in the dress, hair etc. Mostly because he did not want to have any idea what I would look like that day, so I didn''t even consult him.
He did offer some opinions on the flowers, but only after I showed him loads of pictures then I think he pointed at one and said it was pretty.

 

[calidaisy]

well, i thought the whole wedding planning/ marriage was about compromising.

first of all, we''re getting married at fi''s dream church, not mine (even though they''re both in the same neighborhood/ both have ocean views).

my fi doesn''t care about the cake, music, flowers (only flower he knows is red rose), my dress (even though he likes my dress), or my hair ... so, i''m doing whatever i want. however, i guess if he had it his way, we will probably have CD music, not an organist ... and a wedding cake, not cupcakes, so maybe my fi thinks that he compromised.

i conceded to my fiance regarding serving the alcohol during the reception, and i get the feeling that i''ll have to give in for what we decide on the menu.

my fi, on the other hand, has conceded to taking bridal portraits (instead of engagement photos) and to having no dancing, no band/ DJ, at the reception.

i''m sure there''s a lot more we compromised/ gave in ... but that''s all i can think of for now.

 

[absolut_blonde]

To be fair, I wouldn't put too much stock in the wedding dress compromise. A lot of brides end up in something totally different from what they envisioned simply because what they thought would be most flattering, wasn't. I'm sure he'll love what you picked out, since you surely chose what was actually most flattering!

There are a few things we'll have to sort out...

- Size: he's always wanted a big wedding. I never have. Plus, we don't have tons of money and I just can't justify spending a lot. I think we'll either do a small destination wedding with a big, relatively informal party when we get back. Or meet in the middle with a mid-sized wedding.

- Food: I'm a foodie and he's meat-and-potatoes. We'll have to find a way to work out a menu that can satisfy both of us while appealing to the guests. Also, he's not into cake or most sweets in general. We might compromise on cupcakes if I can find somewhere that makes them in really yummy flavours.

I've never asked him about the dress but now I'm kind of curious. He's not very into clothes and such though; I'd be surprised if he had any concrete preferences either way.

But most of it's in my hands, or so he says. I don't think he'd entirely appreciate a pink-themed wedding but even then, if it was my lifelong dream then he'd probably deal. Maybe he will be more opinionated when I get the ring and start booking venues, etc. I kind of doubt it though. I think I'll get a LOT of leeway, which is both good and bad in some ways.

 

[purrfectpear]

I had a totally different reaction to your post than Thing2of2, my first thought was "thank goodness, a bride who realizes it''s not just about her."

I think it''s great that the two of you are compromising and melding your visions of the wedding day. You both experience it, and one memory is not more important than the other''s.

Kudos to mimzy. You got it totally right girl. I foresee a long and happy marriage for you both. You''ve already shown that you have the maturity to work as partners.

Oh yeah. I always envision updo''s for brides anyway

 

[Pandora II]

The only thing so far I''ve had to compromise on for FI was allowing him to have a deeply unsuitable piece of music for the signing of the register...

We did have a lot of discussions on things were we started at polar opposites and ended up finding something that worked for both of us. For the evening reception I wanted jazz type music and he wanted very modern. I pointed out that a huge number of our guests are in their 50s/60s and we needed to provide music that would be nice for them. At his brother''s wedding a lot of people left early because the heavy music they had was giving them a headache. We finally found a singing pianist who can do both!

He wanted a certain sort of food, but had to compromise when I explained that a little village in the back of beyond was not exactly going to serve the best sushi - if they had even heard of it!

The main thing he''s compromised on is the first dance - we''re now having lessons as I pointed out that we''d never be able to get away with not doing one and we''d rather not look complete idiots.

FI and I have quite different tastes in a lot of things. I''d like to live in a National Trust type Stately Home, whereas he''d like an ultra-modern City penthouse. We''re never going to have either - but that is the difference in our decor tastes. I also like comfortable and lots of bits and pieces, he likes clinical looking. We have to negotiate with each other on every single thing we ever buy for the house - and we always arrive at something that we are both happy with.

Compromising often makes you look outside the box and your own predudices...


That said, I don''t think your bouquet or your hair have ANYTHING to do with him and I think it''s pretty outrageous that he even thinks he can rule on these things. I mean, would he wear red shoes and dye his hair to match if you told him he had to?

 

[mimzy]

Date: 6/11/2008 1:21:39 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I had a totally different reaction to your post than Thing2of2, my first thought was ''thank goodness, a bride who realizes it''s not just about her.''

I think it''s great that the two of you are compromising and melding your visions of the wedding day. You both experience it, and one memory is not more important than the other''s.

Kudos to mimzy. You got it totally right girl. I foresee a long and happy marriage for you both. You''ve already shown that you have the maturity to work as partners.

Oh yeah. I always envision updo''s for brides anyway

thank you purrfectpear!

Pandora - that''s great that you guys were able to meet in the middle on things and/or that you made him see the light

. good luck with future decorating endeavors! as for the hair and bouquet, didn''t your FI have a big say in your dress? how is that different? besides, he doesn''t "think he can rule on these things", he just made his preferences known and i''m happily obliging him because it will make him happy and mean a lot to him that i''m listening to him. i''m sure he wouldn''t walk away from the alter if i showed up sporting something else

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I really think it sounds like you guys are really understanding each other, even if you had different visions. I also applaud you for not saying things like "It''s MYYYY day" *insert crazy bridezilla eyes here*. My favorite weddings were those where the bride and groom both had a lot of input because I think the fact that they both care about the wedding really shows when it''s all put together. And besides, I think you''ll always enjoy the memories of planning it together and even making a few compromises

At least you know you have a FABULOUS dress!

 

[sumbride]

Wow... I didn''t even think to give my DH a chance to voice an opinion on my bouquet, hair or dress. I don''t think he would have said anything anyway, but still, I imagine that is why so many brides keep these things secret... so they won''t have to compromise! I admire the way you are dealing with it, but honestly, I would not have been so willing to give in on this... your Hair? He really gets a say? Your flowers in your hand? really? If it doesn''t matter to you, then fine, but if it does, seriously those aren''t places where he traditionally gets any input!

My DH and I worked together on the playlist, the cakes, the menu, and the ceremony. The only thing he really wanted that I didn''t was a wedding in general! I would have been fine not having one, but he wanted one, so he got it! But then I had to do all the work. I guess it''s good that your FI is involved, but geez, if this is what it means to be involved, I guess I''m glad mine didn''t have that many opinions!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/11/2008 10:36:03 AM
Author: mimzy


thank you purrfectpear!

Pandora - that's great that you guys were able to meet in the middle on things and/or that you made him see the light

. good luck with future decorating endeavors! as for the hair and bouquet, didn't your FI have a big say in your dress? how is that different? besides, he doesn't 'think he can rule on these things', he just made his preferences known and i'm happily obliging him because it will make him happy and mean a lot to him that i'm listening to him. i'm sure he wouldn't walk away from the alter if i showed up sporting something else

I showed him loads of pictures in magazines just because I always ask him what he thinks of things - I don't really have any close female friends in London I can do that kind of thing with.

I thought I'd go with something a bit slinky as all my evening dresses over the last 4 years have been, but I wasn't loving anything.

I'm not someone who'd been dreaming of their wedding for years and years, and didn't buy any wedding magazines till after we were engaged, so I didn't really have a clue what was out there.

He said the ones I was showing him were okay, but why did I want one as I had loads of evening dresses like them and I should choose something a bit special. He came up with the Tudor idea, which I was shocked about (mainly because of his normal minimalist taste!) and I thought it would be fun. I used to spend hours drawing tudor dresses when I was a child and always wanted to wear one, but I'd never thought of it for a wedding dress.

The fabrics and design we did together, but he gave me final veto - as it was my dress. He's always been good at convincing me to be a bit braver and more adventurous with my clothes - I'm a black poloneck, black trousers kind of girl.

I'd have been wary of having quilted metallic gold, but he convinced me that it would be fine. I loved the fabric but thought it might be a bit too avant-garde!

The thing that I thought was unfair for you was that you really wanted a certain way for your hair and for your bouquet and he vetoed them. If you hadn't been bothered either way and come to a decision between you that's fine. They're very personal things - it's not as if he wanted a different colour of table linen for example!

 

[angielea]

first, just want to say that I love The Format.

2nd.. I think its a bit odd that he wanted control over your hair, but I can understand if he had an somewhat viable/ important reason...

We are compromising on a few things. 1. having a 2nd reception in the twin cities, since the wedding will be in Iowa. 2. Spending the night before the wedding together. his words" I want to wake up the day we get married, with you in my arms". Can''t argue with that.

food: I''m the meat and potatoes girl, he''s the foodie. We''re still working out that compromise.

Shoes: I wanted green, he wanted "normal". So, I went with "normal". I''m still wearing a green bolero, though.

Jewelry: I wanted green swarovski crystals.. he wanted clear.

I''m a bit more "out there" and he''s a bit more traditional. Our whole wedding, household, etc reflect our compromises. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 6/11/2008 12:25:29 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 6/11/2008 10:36:03 AM

The thing that I thought was unfair for you was that you really wanted a certain way for your hair and for your bouquet and he vetoed them. If you hadn''t been bothered either way and come to a decision between you that''s fine. They''re very personal things - it''s not as if he wanted a different colour of table linen for example!

it sounds like you guys had a little adventure designing that dress! that''s great that he convinced you to be a little more daring

i guess it''s just that line between ''wanting'' and ''really wanting''. you''re right, they are totally personal things, but it''s nothing that i was totally heartbroken over, and if it''ll make him happy (which it is), i''m okay with it. even if i would have preferred to have my hair down, i doubt it''s something that i''ll remember down the line.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 6/11/2008 12:29:17 PM
Author: angielea
first, just want to say that I love The Format.


2nd.. I think its a bit odd that he wanted control over your hair, but I can understand if he had an somewhat viable/ important reason...

We are compromising on a few things. 1. having a 2nd reception in the twin cities, since the wedding will be in Iowa. 2. Spending the night before the wedding together. his words'' I want to wake up the day we get married, with you in my arms''. Can''t argue with that.
food: I''m the meat and potatoes girl, he''s the foodie. We''re still working out that compromise.

Shoes: I wanted green, he wanted ''normal''. So, I went with ''normal''. I''m still wearing a green bolero, though.

Jewelry: I wanted green swarovski crystals.. he wanted clear.

I''m a bit more ''out there'' and he''s a bit more traditional. Our whole wedding, household, etc reflect our compromises. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

haha it sounds like we are marrying the same guy! he just wants everything ''normal'' too for the most part

i wanted green jewelry too, but i didn''t think FI would be crazy about it, so before i even brought it up to him i decided that i would wear the pearls he bought me for the ceremony and some fabulous peridot jewelery for the reception

, and he hasn''t objected. coincidently, i wanted red shoes and he vetoed them, because they would clash with the green jewelry! (which is totally true haha) so now i''m looking for green shoes too.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hmm Mimzy I don''t know about the hair and bouquet, but oh well. He has good taste in bouquets and hairstyles at least, right? Oh well it would all be beautiful regardless of which one of you got their way!

For us..let''s see. We''re not too far in, but so far...well I think I''ve gotten my way most of the time so far, but then again FI hasn''t been 100% involved in everything. He kind of is just like oh okay if that''s what you want tell me where to send the check. However, he''s kept me on a budget (as have my parents) and he''s been giving up going out to lunch at work to save money (really sweet of him honestly, he cherished his lunches), I am going to be giving up Netflix I believe and cutting our cable down. Let''s see. As for actual wedding decisions not money decisions, he wanted my hair down, but since we are getting married outside in June so um..yeah it''s going up. I am going to do half-up/half-down for bridal portraits though, so that''s our compromise there. Cake..that is going to be interesting I think. He is serious about the food! He wants certain things and wants them a certain way. So his main things were my hair and the food. Other than that he pretty much said as long as it''s within reason whatever is fine. However, I don''t think he would let me put him in whatever tux or suit I wanted. For example, he did offer to consider blue seersucker suits (that''s been tabled probably permanently), but I know he wouldn''t do pink or something like that, haha.

 

[HollyS]

This is kind of ridiculous passive-agressive behavior for two adults getting married. C''mon.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 6/11/2008 6:31:57 PM
Author: HollyS
This is kind of ridiculous passive-agressive behavior for two adults getting married. C''mon.

huh??

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/11/2008 6:31:57 PM
Author: HollyS
This is kind of ridiculous passive-agressive behavior for two adults getting married. C''mon.

I''m a bit lost. You think it''s ridiculous to compromise on a wedding for the two of you?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 6/11/2008 6:36:19 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 6/11/2008 6:31:57 PM
Author: HollyS
This is kind of ridiculous passive-agressive behavior for two adults getting married. C'mon.

huh??

Was I speaking in a foreign language?

The essence of your post was: "Because I got to choose this, he says he gets to choose that." And, you implied that you weren't really okay with this method of 'compromising'. But you're playing along.

Him deciding your hairdo and bouquet isn't compromising; it's dictating. And you know that, which is why you posted, in the way you posted. You said, in black and white, and between the lines, that this is not the way you would have preferred to decide the details of your wedding.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 6/11/2008 6:53:20 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 6/11/2008 6:36:19 PM

Author: mimzy

Date: 6/11/2008 6:31:57 PM

Author: HollyS

This is kind of ridiculous passive-agressive behavior for two adults getting married. C'mon.

huh??

Was I speaking in a foreign language?


The essence of your post was: 'Because I got to choose this, he says he gets to choose that.' And, you implied that you weren't really okay with this method of 'compromising'. But you're playing along.

wow, that was really rude.

anyways...i never "implied" that i wasn't "okay with this method of compromising". in fact i really don't know how i could have been more clear that i was happy to do something that meant a lot to him, and i'm not holding it against him at all. i'm not really sure where you could have got that from. neither of us are being passive aggressive about it, at all. we were both up front with what we wanted, and we both compromised. maybe you didn't read the whole thread before commenting?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 6/11/2008 6:59:08 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 6/11/2008 6:53:20 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 6/11/2008 6:36:19 PM

Author: mimzy

Date: 6/11/2008 6:31:57 PM

Author: HollyS

This is kind of ridiculous passive-agressive behavior for two adults getting married. C''mon.

huh??

Was I speaking in a foreign language?


The essence of your post was: ''Because I got to choose this, he says he gets to choose that.'' And, you implied that you weren''t really okay with this method of ''compromising''. But you''re playing along.

wow, that was really rude.

anyways...i never ''implied'' that i wasn''t ''okay with this method of compromising''. in fact i really don''t know how i could have been more clear that i was happy to do something that meant a lot to him, and i''m not holding it against him at all. i''m not really sure where you could have got that from. neither of us are being passive aggressive about it, at all. we were both up front with what we wanted, and we both compromised. maybe you didn''t read the whole thread before commenting?

Okay. I misread; I could have sworn you weren''t being ''tongue-in-cheek''. My apologies.

 

[musey]

I think that all brides wishing their FIs would be more involved in wedding planning should be pointed to this thread

Honestly, I don't think we've had to 'compromise' on anything, it's just been an exchange of ideas and settling on the ones that sound best, and we've agreed on it all, really. We haven't had strongly opposing ideas, probably because neither of us have strong ideas about it period.

It's so hard for me to imagine him caring a whip which dress I chose or what my hair looked like, or especially how my bouquet is presented, as long as it was what I liked best. Maybe it just hasn't ever come up because we have similar taste in such things? Though I have asked him to "talk me out of" other dresses that have tried to lure me post-wedding-dress-purchase, by telling me that they'd look ugly on me...

Now, if he wanted a brass quintet for the ceremony and for me to carry a shell bouquet, I suppose we may start having a problem.

 

[angielea]

Date: 6/11/2008 3:15:51 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 6/11/2008 12:29:17 PM

Author: angielea

first, just want to say that I love The Format.



2nd.. I think its a bit odd that he wanted control over your hair, but I can understand if he had an somewhat viable/ important reason...


We are compromising on a few things. 1. having a 2nd reception in the twin cities, since the wedding will be in Iowa. 2. Spending the night before the wedding together. his words'' I want to wake up the day we get married, with you in my arms''. Can''t argue with that.

food: I''m the meat and potatoes girl, he''s the foodie. We''re still working out that compromise.


Shoes: I wanted green, he wanted ''normal''. So, I went with ''normal''. I''m still wearing a green bolero, though.


Jewelry: I wanted green swarovski crystals.. he wanted clear.


I''m a bit more ''out there'' and he''s a bit more traditional. Our whole wedding, household, etc reflect our compromises. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

haha it sounds like we are marrying the same guy! he just wants everything ''normal'' too for the most part


i wanted green jewelry too, but i didn''t think FI would be crazy about it, so before i even brought it up to him i decided that i would wear the pearls he bought me for the ceremony and some fabulous peridot jewelery for the reception

, and he hasn''t objected. coincidently, i wanted red shoes and he vetoed them, because they would clash with the green jewelry! (which is totally true haha) so now i''m looking for green shoes too.

Oh yeah, sounds pretty similar! I didn''t think about changing jewelry for the ceremony.. hmmmm. I''m making my own jewelry, so I can just order some extra green.

as far as shoes, here''s a sexy pair of green ones. I would have totally bought them, If I wasn''t almost as tall as the FI.

http://www.dsw.com/dsw_shoes/catalog/product.jsp?index=4&category=cat20006&prodId=166247&brand=

I may end up buying these, too. http://www.shoes.com/Shop/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC1079229 in green

or these http://www.amazon.com/Nine-West-Womens-Lovable-Yellow/dp/B000XRTLJQ/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&qid=1212946687&sr=1-3 saucy!

 

[purrfectpear]

"Because I got to choose this, he says he gets to choose that."


Maybe it''s time to learn a foreign language. That is the nature of compromise. Both parties give a little. Typically that means no one totally gets their way, but they agree to compromise for the whole. It''s teamwork. Many relationships could use more of it. It''s learned behavior. In business we call it win-win. No one ends up the loser. A wedding is a day of celebration for two people. If as a couple there are a few things that neither of you is comfortable compromising on, then maybe you set those aside as individual decisions, not joint compromises.

It sounds to me like Mimzy''s relationship is just about perfect. I didn''t hear anything dictatorial at all? What is the difference between the groom-to-be expressing his desire for an updo, than a bride-to-be saying "no wingtip shoes, I hate them"? So the groom should just tell his love that she should stuff it ''cause they''re his feet and he''s wearing those darn wing tips whether she likes it or not? Yeah, that''s someone I''d really want to be married to.

 

[musey]

Very true, PP! (re: the wingtips analogy. Except that I

wingtips!

)

Mimzy, I hope I didn't sound obnoxious in my post--I was answering your "what have you compromised" question and not addressing your situation. I wasn't intending to criticize you or your FI, just to say that it's hard for me to imagine having a FI that cares about such things. It is a good thing that he cares

 

[kellybelly]

on a related note, my mom saw something online to the effect of asking your groom how he pictures you on your wedding day. my guess is that some girls would want to fit that description to a degree in order to fulfill this image. personally, i have no interest in what he pictures me looking like because i am the one one that has to wear the dress and the hairdo all day long! plus i want it all to be a surprise, but that''s just me.

i think the hair thing seems strange to most of us reading here because most guys wouldn''t even think about something like that. same with the flowers. and the dress, well, generally speaking we try to keep that a big secret from everyone until the wedding day, especially the groom! i had to compromise on the time of year and the venue, due to financial constraints, but i would never bend on my hairstyle (if it was anything but an updo, i would go crazy!). then again, some girls might be just the opposite, seeing a hairstyle as incidental, but the season and venue as paramount. different strokes for different folks, right?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 6/11/2008 7:02:06 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 6/11/2008 6:59:08 PM

Author: mimzy

Date: 6/11/2008 6:53:20 PM

Author: HollyS

Date: 6/11/2008 6:36:19 PM


Author: mimzy

Date: 6/11/2008 6:31:57 PM


Author: HollyS


This is kind of ridiculous passive-agressive behavior for two adults getting married. C''mon.

huh??

Was I speaking in a foreign language?



The essence of your post was: ''Because I got to choose this, he says he gets to choose that.'' And, you implied that you weren''t really okay with this method of ''compromising''. But you''re playing along.

wow, that was really rude.


anyways...i never ''implied'' that i wasn''t ''okay with this method of compromising''. in fact i really don''t know how i could have been more clear that i was happy to do something that meant a lot to him, and i''m not holding it against him at all. i''m not really sure where you could have got that from. neither of us are being passive aggressive about it, at all. we were both up front with what we wanted, and we both compromised. maybe you didn''t read the whole thread before commenting?

Okay. I misread; I could have sworn you weren''t being ''tongue-in-cheek''. My apologies.

It''s nice that you apologized, but it was still rude. Hopefully me saying this isn''t going to start something, but Mimzy wasn''t asking for opinions. She was sharing how they''ve worked things out, and how she feels, then asking what everyone else did. Again, not trying to start something just feel a bit defensive here since everyone on BWW tries to stay really positive and not randomly attack people.