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Appointed Best Man?

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
Hi all! I haven't yet graduated from LIW, and it'll be a while until I do, but this concerns my bf.
He's been made best man at his "best friend"s wedding this July. Bf isn't the type to go to a bachelor party, let alone organize one. He completely doesn't approve of neither this relationship nor wedding and thinks the marriage will only lead to disappointment. Because they've been friends for a very long time and bf was there for him in his time of need, it only seemed "fit" that he would be his best man. Best friend is a very demanding person and is getting angry with bf for not upholding his duties.

Their wedding has a HUGE bridal party. Something like 27 people including bride and groom. Groom's half has 10 people including BF.
Should I tell him to suck it up and just do his duties, or should he confront his best friend and withdraw from being Best Man, especially when he has many to choose from?

The latter will lead to a ton of disappointment, but I'm a firm believer that a wedding is something sacred. If Bf is standing next to them during the ceremony and he thinks the entire thing is a sham, it poisons the intention.

What do you think? How would you feel if the best man at your wedding copped out?
 

sonnyjane

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2008
Messages
2,476
Has your boyfriend ever voiced his opinions on the relationship to this guy? If so, how did this guy take it? If your boyfriend doesn't want to be the best man but still wants to attend the wedding, he can simply come up with an excuse, such as being too busy at work to take on the duties of planning, etc. If, however, your boyfriend doesn't want to attend the wedding at all because he doesn't approve, I think it's okay to decline the invitation entirely, but it's a fragile situation. If your boyfriend tells this guy that he is backing out because he doesn't approve of the marriage, he could easily lose his friendship right then and there. If your bf still wants to maintain a friendship with this guy after the wedding, he needs to come up with a creative excuse for not attending and not disclose his full opinions. I think it's appropriate to tell a close friend that you have concerns about something out of friendship, but you can't just come out and say that you disapprove of another person's relationship.
 

mrscushion

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
3,309
sonnyjane|1299460896|2866331 said:
If your boyfriend tells this guy that he is backing out because he doesn't approve of the marriage, he could easily lose his friendship right then and there.

I'm pretty sure that is exactly what would happen if your BF tells the groom the truth. I guess what he should do depends on whether he'd like to keep the friendship or not. In fact, I think the friendship may suffer somewhat even if your BF withdraws from his best man duties with a creative excuse... but it's probably for the best for both of them if he does that. Have your BF tell the groom that he is just not the right guy for the job, due to lack of time and/or lack of skill in planning parties and have him suggest another one of the groomsmen to take over the best man duties.
 

sillyberry

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
1,792
I still don't understand how a groom "appoints" someone as the Best Man (or a groomsman) without asking permission!

wakingdreams, if boyfriend had been asked, instead of directed by fiat, what would he have said?
 

chemgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2009
Messages
2,328
I really think the time to back out would have been when he was initially told he would be the best man. I don't see how he could be forced in to it. Even if his friend said "hey, you're going to be my best man" he could have said no and made his excuses. Going along with it and then backing out is only going to create drama.

Also a dissenting opinion, but I don't see how his friend's relationship is any of his business. When ladies come on here complaining about their friend's SO, the general consensus is that they need to support their friend without interfering (unless there is abuse) or distance themselves from said friend. I think backing out and telling his friend why would be the end of the friendship. You write best friend in quotation marks so maybe you wouldn't mind this so much...

Does your SO know any of the groomsmen? Could they plan the bachelor party as a group so its not all up to your SO? Would he feel more comfortable with it if he had a more passive role? He could take on responsibilities like sending out group email invitations, making reservations etc. but somebody else could plan it. He could even throw in a few fun things like paintball, casino, nice dinner and leave anything he's uncomfortable with to the other groomsmen. That way he's playing the part of the best man, but he's not going out of his comfort zone. If this post was the other way around, I think people would be expecting the maid of honor to participate in the bachelorette party, so it goes both ways.
 

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
Thank you all for your advice.

I had originally put best friend in quote because my SO is more of his best friend than vice versa.

Said best friend has been distant and they barely have a friendship since this entire relationship ensued. SO just thinks he's rushing into things without his head. For instance, about 6 months into the relationship, best friend leaves his house, sister, and pets and moves in with her and her parents, in order to save money for the wedding. Best friend also has QUITE a temper, so not his way = hell to pay.

I asked SO if he was formally asked and he said "kind of" -- which then brought me here. I'm guessing his best friend figured he would have no qualms about it, but never mentioned what it would entail. IMO, being someone's MOH or Best Man is a serious role-- financially and responsibly. Ultimately, he only likes his role as best man because he gets to make fun of the groom during his speech. That's it.
Also, amid b**ching about it, he said, "It's not like he'd be best man at my wedding-- I'd ask my brother." :sick:

Most likely, SO just ignored it and forgot about it, but now its a little over 4 months to the wedding-- naturally the groom wants his best man to be doing his duties. The other guys have already basically done everything, BF just needs to pick up his suit and contact the other groomsmen. Maybe he's just being stubborn, but I also know that he isn't the happiest about this marriage.

I agree that if he expresses his feelings about the relationship that their friendship is doomed. Especially if the marriage actually works out. And yes chemgirl, in a sense, it's none of his business. He said he'll talk to his best friend soon. I don't think he wants to completely cop out on the wedding, as that will definitely destroy the friendship.

Sillyberry, if he was asked right after the engagement WHILE KNOWING what would happen in just a few months, he'd probably say "No." But because there was no way of predicting the future, I think I'm going to tell him to just suck it up. It'll be over soon.

ETA: Again, thank you all for your responses.
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
wakingdreams53|1299524422|2866751 said:
Thank you all for your advice.

I had originally put best friend in quote because my SO is more of his best friend than vice versa.

Said best friend has been distant and they barely have a friendship since this entire relationship ensued. SO just thinks he's rushing into things without his head. For instance, about 6 months into the relationship, best friend leaves his house, sister, and pets and moves in with her and her parents, in order to save money for the wedding. Best friend also has QUITE a temper, so not his way = hell to pay.

I asked SO if he was formally asked and he said "kind of" -- which then brought me here. I'm guessing his best friend figured he would have no qualms about it, but never mentioned what it would entail. IMO, being someone's MOH or Best Man is a serious role-- financially and responsibly. Ultimately, he only likes his role as best man because he gets to make fun of the groom during his speech. That's it.
Also, amid b**ching about it, he said, "It's not like he'd be best man at my wedding-- I'd ask my brother." :sick:

Most likely, SO just ignored it and forgot about it, but now its a little over 4 months to the wedding-- naturally the groom wants his best man to be doing his duties. The other guys have already basically done everything, BF just needs to pick up his suit and contact the other groomsmen. Maybe he's just being stubborn, but I also know that he isn't the happiest about this marriage.

I agree that if he expresses his feelings about the relationship that their friendship is doomed. Especially if the marriage actually works out. And yes chemgirl, in a sense, it's none of his business. He said he'll talk to his best friend soon. I don't think he wants to completely cop out on the wedding, as that will definitely destroy the friendship.

Sillyberry, if he was asked right after the engagement WHILE KNOWING what would happen in just a few months, he'd probably say "No." But because there was no way of predicting the future, I think I'm going to tell him to just suck it up. It'll be over soon.

ETA: Again, thank you all for your responses.


Well, sorry but I think most guys in their 20's have a really good idea of what being a best man, or even groomsmen entials... and your SO admitted to being asked kindof. If he really didnt want to do it, he should have said somehting when he was intially "somewhat" asked.

Also, you don't have to reciprocate the role to do it for someone else.

just my .02 as someone who has a wedding coming up in July myself. It's only right to be honest upfront, as we have seen here on LIW and BWW that backing out right before causes a lot of heartache and stress on everyone. He probably should have been thinking about these things when he was asked and now he's kinda stuck unless he is ok with risking his friendship.
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
Now that I gave my .02 on the issue of backing out at this point in the game, here are some solutions:

1. Have SO get from the groom the name/email of the groomsmens if he doesn't already have them....
2. Start an email chain and ask for the groomsmen's opinions/suggestions on Bachleor party ideas... (dinner and drinks, golf outing, fishing? day/night in AC...etc)
3. Get the invite list for the bachleor part from the groom and once the idea is agreed on between the groomsmens, contact the invites with the details... and split the cost amongst the groomsmens and the attending guests.

really, aside from the speech and "planning" of the bachelor party which the entire groomsmen party can do together, all he has to do is show up in the right attire, at the right time, smile for pictures, and support his "best friend" whether he agrees with the marriage or not. We are not here to judge each other's relationship choices, as friends, we are to encourage and support- (unless its a situation of abuse) I think you and your SO would want the support of your friends and family on your potential marriage and to be there for you with smiles on, and their encouragement and help at such an important time in your life.
 

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
Thanks AB, you're right.
Couple weeks ago he got a call from one of the other groomsmen about the bachelor party. The dates set and all that, all he has to do is show up and pitch in monetarily for the groom. The groom's a huge Jersey Shore fan, so they're going to the Jersey Shore. Not sure if to AC, 'cause that would actually make sense to me.

I've quit badgering him about it because now its really too late to back out. The bride and groom do things that make very little sense to us, but it's their life and we have no reason to even try to make sense of their actions. I'm not a judgmental person and SO's growing into a more patient man (not sure how long I'll have to wait though...).

As it's mid-April now and they have under 100 days until the wedding (she keeps the countdown updated through facebook statuses)-- if he was going to say something, he should have already said it. All he has to do is go to the already-planned bachelor party, pick up his tux, and play his role.

Honestly, at this point, I really don't want to go to this wedding. But that's a story in itself.

Congrats on your July wedding! :))
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
Thanks!

Yea, if the party is already planned, the hard part is over. It is definitely a sticky position though, as many times when you are asked to be in someone's wedding you really feel weird declining in general.

I am sure though that you will have a great time when it's all said and done. All you can really do is enjoy yourself and wish them a happy marriage. :bigsmile:
 

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
I.... made a boo-boo. :lol: :lol: :lol:
But not really... but I have ZERO place to announce my opinion.

Alright. SO's band's album is coming out soon. So called "best friend" hasn't come to any shows in a very long time-- even when attendance would be free and it could help SO's band win *enter cool prize here*. SO just posted a preview of the album on their website and "best friend" posted a review on SO's facebook page.

He ended the review with " give me a free cd, my wedding is coming up and it is the least you can do. thanks tool." "Tool" comes from their loving relationship and "best friend" being an @$$.

So me, COMPLETELY unsolicited, may have started a fight over facebook while my SO is at work...
I wrote I'm pretty sure he's well aware you're getting married. :) what do you want from him? to call you daily for updates? He's a pretty busy guy you know. You made him best man, told him what you want done (b-party, tuxes). You're getting married in late July, not next week, so breathe a little.

He quickly replied "Well, its the point he doesn't call at and I am most certainly not going to make the effort. For your information, everyone knows what's going but no one can seem to get in touch with him. I made him best man and yet my groomsmen are doing all the work. I would appreciate to talk to him about it and not his girlfriend. I;m sure he can speak for himself..but on the other I guess not."

*insert curse word here* I tried to fix that with an apology and that I clearly don't have a place in that discussion. Ended that off with "Nonetheless, I hope planning is going well. :)" -- I'm big on smilies...

Oh, and we went shopping for out upcoming vacation (he needs clothes) and at the register I told him that I don't want to go to the wedding. He just laughed it off in a "if I'm suffering, you're suffering with me/i can't do it without you" then started talking about how with their wedding party already being enormous, they should have room for me. :roll: :rolleyes: :shock: Totally don't want that.

AB, with the commentary that the best friend gave... it sounds like the b-party isn't planned... or not to his liking... :/ seems like SO's lack of participation isn't as unnoticed as we anticipated... :???:
 

charbie

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 16, 2008
Messages
2,512
Sounds to me like there are two sides to every story, and he called him out on it. Sorry, but how many times do girls come on this board and complain about a BM or MOH not participating. If he didn't want the responsibility, he should have said so upfront himself. Im sorry you now have complicated things and hope it doesn't make the relationship between your SO and his friend awkward.
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
charbie|1303267350|2900665 said:
Sounds to me like there are two sides to every story, and he called him out on it. Sorry, but how many times do girls come on this board and complain about a BM or MOH not participating. If he didn't want the responsibility, he should have said so upfront himself. Im sorry you now have complicated things and hope it doesn't make the relationship between your SO and his friend awkward.


agreed. Wakingdreams you really shouldn't have done that. Like you said yourself, it probably wasn't your place, it's not. Your SO is a grown man and should handle this on his own. If he didn't want to participate in the wedding or be the bestman he should have discussed that with his
best friend" himself. That is his responsibility. I am sure that "best friend" is hurt by his lack of effort and participation. Here on BWW we here brides all the time talk about the hurt and disappointment they and their SO feel when someone in their wedding party is MIA, it is hurtful and shows a lack of caring on the other person's part. If the roles were reversed, you and your SO would be hurt if someone in the wedding party was not at all involved.

Sounds like your SO has to talk and be upfront and mend this with his friend...
 
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