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WWYD? buying house with boyfriend

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laine

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I have been dating my BF for 4 years now (I'm 29, he's 27). We have discussed marriage often and agree that it is in the near future. I will be moving out of state this summer for a new job. BF plans to move with me, but so far, has not found a job. He will stay in his current job until a job opens up in the new state, hopefully within 6 months or so (and he says he will move down in a year, job or no job). The lack of job in the new state is also why he is waiting to propose; he feels he needs to be settled in a job first. I think he's crazy, but have accepted it as part of his traditional ways.

So, we went house shopping together and found a house we both love. I can afford it on my own, am paying the whole down payment, and had planned to put it in my name until we're married. However, with the $8000 tax credit, we've discussed putting the house in his name as well (he's a first-time home-buyer and eligible, I am not).

On the one hand, $8000 of free money would be really nice. It could pay off the rest of his student loans and buy me an engagement ring. On the other hand, I feel a little funny about buying a house with someone other than a spouse--it's something I always thought I would never do. While I have complete confidence we will get married, I'm still unsure about buying a house together now.

Any thoughts? What would you do?

ETA: We currently live together in a townhouse I owned before we met. We split expenses but have completely separate finances.
 

neatfreak

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I wouldn't. Period. Too much mess if you aren't at least engaged and preferably married.

Also, I might be wrong, but I don't think you'd be eligible even if you put his name on it. It would have to solely be in his name to be eligible I believe. But not 100% sure on that.

ETA: It appears I was wrong and your boyfriend would qualify. But he would need to take the credit on his taxes. I think...
 

Haven

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I would not buy the house with him at all.
I would either wait to buy until we were engaged with a firm plan to marry within the next year and rent in the meantime, or I''d buy it in my own name and keep the title in my own name.
 

laine

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Thanks NF. A large part of me completely agrees with you. But then there's the little voice that says I'm being silly; its free money and we're nearly married. I just asked BF if he thinks we could get married next summer, and he agreed that would be good. Still, I think you're probably right...

And, completely off topic--NF, your ring is my absolute favorite ring ever. I have a folder full of inspiration pictures of bezel rings and elements I want in my ring, and then you appeared with your ring that has everything I want! I hope to have something very similar made someday, if you don't mind.

Thanks Haven--That helps clarify some of my thoughts on things. I definitely agree with you. I think the part I'm getting stuck on is what constitutes a firm plan to marry. We've talked about it extensively, he agrees next summer sounds good, so there is definitely a plan to marry. On the flip side, there is no ring, and nothing is booked, so that probably means its not a firm plan...
 

Italiahaircolor

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A lot of people buy homes with BF''s and it works out just fine...but, don''t let the "money" be a deciding factor. If it didn''t work out, it would cost a lot more than 8k to unravel that "mess".

If this is something you both want...go for it. Property is rarely a bad investment with the cavet that this a bad economy. I would suggest getting legal documents drawn up with a set upon agreement that if it doesn''t work you''ll be able survive it. Even if it means you both agree to sell the house and go your seperate ways. Having something set up for the "what if" is really smart and just plain old good planning.

Good luck with whatever it is you decide on doing, this is a very exciting time for you!
 

neatfreak

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Date: 5/3/2009 10:39:37 PM
Author: laine
Thanks NF. A large part of me completely agrees with you. But then there''s the little voice that says I''m being silly; its free money and we''re nearly married. I just asked BF if he thinks we could get married next summer, and he agreed that would be good. Still, I think you''re probably right...


And, completely off topic--NF, your ring is my absolute favorite ring ever. I have a folder full of inspiration pictures of bezel rings and elements I want in my ring, and then you appeared with your ring that has everything I want! I hope to have something very similar made someday, if you don''t mind.


Thanks Haven--That helps clarify some of my thoughts on things. I definitely agree with you. I think the part I''m getting stuck on is what constitutes a firm plan to marry. We''ve talked about it extensively, he agrees next summer sounds good, so there is definitely a plan to marry. On the flip side, there is no ring, and nothing is booked, so that probably means its not a firm plan...

I totally understand where you are coming from-I still wouldn''t do it personally-but that''s just me. Is he not in a financial position to buy it himself now and then add you to it later? That''s what I would try to negotiate-that way it''s not in both your names and you get the credit.

And THANK YOU for the ring compliments! I am very flattered that you want something similar-it''s really a fabulous ring if I do say so myself.
9.gif
Mark at ERD made it.
 

October2008bride

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I absolutely wouldn''t if it was me.

If you are paying the whole downpayment and can pay the monthly amount on your own, then do that.

You should also look into the family laws in your state - I''m in Canada so can''t speak to them but for us, even if you bought the house yourself when single, and then got married and lived in it, you''d have to split it 50/50 in a divorce (even if he didn''t pay for it or have his name on title).

So I''d check in to that too if I were you.

Could you wait until things were more permanent before buying?
 

Haven

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Must your boyfriend have his name on the title when you first buy the house to be eligible for the tax credit? If not, could you add him once you are officially engaged and still get the credit?
I don't know the details of the whole thing, but if that's an option then it would definitely work for you.

I agree with Italia completely--to co-own just for the money isn't the best reason, is it?

ETA: I'd say a firm plan is a formal engagement (whatever that means for you--a ring, an announcement of your intentions to your loved ones,) and a firm date for the actual wedding.
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 5/3/2009 10:39:37 PM
Author: laine
Thanks NF. A large part of me completely agrees with you. But then there''s the little voice that says I''m being silly; its free money and we''re nearly married. I just asked BF if he thinks we could get married next summer, and he agreed that would be good. Still, I think you''re probably right...

And, completely off topic--NF, your ring is my absolute favorite ring ever. I have a folder full of inspiration pictures of bezel rings and elements I want in my ring, and then you appeared with your ring that has everything I want! I hope to have something very similar made someday, if you don''t mind.

Thanks Haven--That helps clarify some of my thoughts on things. I definitely agree with you. I think the part I''m getting stuck on is what constitutes a firm plan to marry. We''ve talked about it extensively, he agrees next summer sounds good, so there is definitely a plan to marry. On the flip side, there is no ring, and nothing is booked, so that probably means its not a firm plan...
Nearly married is still NOT married.

No. No no no no no. Please no. 8K tax credit is chump change for the hassle it will be if you do not get married.

There will be other homes you love. In a year, home prices won''t be that much more than now, if they aren''t lower altogether. And if interest rates do go up, home prices are going to take another beating.

No.
 

brooklyngirl

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I wouldn''t. You can''t have your cake and eat it too. If you''re not ready (whatever the reason) to be engaged, you''re not ready to buy a house together. It''s just too big a mess to fix if something goes wrong.
 

Kaleigh

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I''m also in the No camp. May not be what you want to hear... But please don''t do this.. You can do it together once you are enagaged. Wishing you the best going forward...
1.gif
 

lucyandroger

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Date: 5/3/2009 10:58:13 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
A lot of people buy homes with BF''s and it works out just fine...but, don''t let the ''money'' be a deciding factor. If it didn''t work out, it would cost a lot more than 8k to unravel that ''mess''.

Ditto.

I don''t think it''s always a bad thing to buy a house together before you''re married but I would never suggest you do so if you have ANY doubts whatsoever. I would say listen to your gut on this one.

Plus, it seems that your BF would be the one getting the $8k credit...so you put up all the money, he gets his name on the deed and the 8k????...I don''t think that''s a good idea.
 

laine

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Thanks for all the opinions--I really appreciate it. I wanted to hear from some neutral parties, rather than people who know us.

To clarify, the house is being bought either way. I need a place to live and this house is perfect for us. It needs some work, but the price was definitely right, and we can do the work ourselves. Its a great size, and has hardwood floors all over (under gross carpet). That part is really exciting for me, I love hardwood!

Currently, loan approval is for just me, so as it stands, I''m buying the house alone, though we do have the option to add him. I think BF and I will sit down and have a serious talk tomorrow, but I''m really leaning towards keeping it in just my name.

Thanks again ladies! Feel free to keep the opinions coming....
 

movie zombie

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your $, your house.

nearly married is not married.

i made the mistake of putting my 2nd husband''s name on the title of MY house on our first anniversary.......and regretted it when filing for divorce some years later.

there is nothing wrong with a woman having a room of her own and better yet a house of her own. its a place to retreat to if a marriage fails and its a rental after the two of you are married and do buy a home together.

its romantic to think one is in love and you will be married soon and forever. there are a lot of things that can happen and in this instance its better to think with the head re this huge economic decision rather than the romantic heart.

mz
 

bee*

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I would definitely just buy it in your name only. If you''re putting down the deposit and are paying for it, leave it in your name. You can always add him later when you guys do get married. I know $8k would be nice but for me, that would not be reason enough to put his name on it.
 

whitby_2773

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Date: 5/4/2009 5:42:14 AM
Author: bee*
I would definitely just buy it in your name only. If you''re putting down the deposit and are paying for it, leave it in your name. You can always add him later when you guys do get married. I know $8k would be nice but for me, that would not be reason enough to put his name on it.

ditto
 

chrono

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Another one who is firmly in the no camp. You are the owner of the house anyway since you are paying the mortgage and the downpayment. By law, you are not married yet and who knows what will happen in the timeframe between now and the wedding. The $8000 isn''t worth the risk and hassle of trying to untangle the mess should, lord forbid, you break up or something else crops up.
 

KimberlyH

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Another big no. Almost married, almost engaged, you''re still 6 letters away and that''s 6 letters too many in my world.
 

PrincessMiaPuff

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I am quite different we bought a house when we weren''t married however I wouldn''t buy a house or look at then unless we were engaged. Couple months after being engaged we started looking. At that time we have been dating 5 years. IT is harder for them to the paperwork for the house and I found people could be downright rude about putting my name down of the title and other paperwork as well. It worked for us and we will be getting married next may so we will be in the house almost 2 years before we were married. It worked for us it could work for you. Good Luck.
 

whitby_2773

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Date: 5/4/2009 8:43:50 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Another big no. Almost married, almost engaged, you''re still 6 letters away and that''s 6 letters too many in my world.

kimberley...i feel really stupid....!!

WHAT ''six letters''?? the only thing i can come up with is ''i do'' - and that''s only 3!

i feel like everyone gets this except meeeee!

:S
 

whitby_2773

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wwait - do you mean - ''''almost''?

d''oh!
 

chrono

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Whitby,
It''s too early yet in the day. Relax and enjoy your morning coffee.
9.gif
 

bee*

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Date: 5/4/2009 9:00:26 AM
Author: PrincessMiaPuff
I am quite different we bought a house when we weren''t married however I wouldn''t buy a house or look at then unless we were engaged. Couple months after being engaged we started looking. At that time we have been dating 5 years. IT is harder for them to the paperwork for the house and I found people could be downright rude about putting my name down of the title and other paperwork as well. It worked for us and we will be getting married next may so we will be in the house almost 2 years before we were married. It worked for us it could work for you. Good Luck.

in your case it seems to be different though in that it was both of you who bought the house and are paying for it. In this case it''s just the OP that is putting down the money, hence it''s her house.
 

DivaDiamond007

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Add me to the firm no camp. You are not married or even engaged so I think it''s a bad idea to buy a house with him. Once you''re married then you can add his name to the deed if you wish to share ownership. Good luck with your upcoming engagement!
 

Loves Vintage

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laine,

If you do have his name put on the title to the property, please, please, please make sure he is obligated on the mortgage as well. I know this seems like a no-brainer, but I work with a young woman who purchased a condo with her then boyfriend. He contributed nothing toward the down payment, and because his credit was poor, she had the financing in her name only (because the interest rate was better if his credit was not taken into account, and his name was not on the mortgage.) Very bad decision on her part. They were only together for a year. (She has a degree in accounting and is an auditor, btw., so she should have known better!)

So, they broke up. He moved out. He did contribute to the monthly mortgage payments that she cannot afford on her own. She had to bring legal action against him to have his name taken off of the property, and to attempt to recover about 20k she transferred to her credit card (0% rate) from his high interest rate card. Love is blind. Sometimes.

I only mention this story to highlight that you must get his name on the note and mortgage, otherwise he is not obligated to pay, yet he would be a property owner who could stand in the way of your sellling the property in the future, etc. if things should go awry.
 

VRBeauty

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Date: 5/4/2009 9:15:12 AM
Author: whitby_2773
Date: 5/4/2009 8:43:50 AM

Author: KimberlyH

Another big no. Almost married, almost engaged, you''re still 6 letters away and that''s 6 letters too many in my world.


kimberley...i feel really stupid....!!


WHAT ''six letters''?? the only thing i can come up with is ''i do'' - and that''s only 3!


i feel like everyone gets this except meeeee!


:S
Maybe...

"I do" and "I do"?
 

movie zombie

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yep.....name on title gives benefits w/o responsibility of payment which is done by adding him to the mortgage.

if you''re both working and both buying the house with downpayment $ and closing costs being split as well as splitting the mortgage, then it would be a go. my hubby and i bought a rental before we were married and did this. not an issue as we were both equally vested in the property on the title and equally responsible on the mortgage.

mz
 

Dreamer_D

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Nope nope nope nopidy nope! Marriage is important not just for the legal element and the financial protection it provides in the event of a divorce, but it is important as a clear indicator of a partner''s intentions in the relationship! I would never buy a house with a man to whom I was not married (or for a man to whom I was not married, which is more similar to your situation I think), because I feel that the financial commitment is just as great as the personal commitment anyways.

If he is too traditional to get engaged while he is financially unstable, then he should be too traditional to buy a house with you without being married
2.gif
.

Talk to him and see what he says, but protect yourself financially until you are legally linked.

BTW if you were never planning to get married and planned to cohabitate indefinitely and be a family of choice, then my opinion might differ. But I''d still want him to cough up half
2.gif
 

MichelleCarmen

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I would wait because he isn't contributing to the down payment. How much are you putting down? What if you plop 20% down and then you two break up? How much of the profit could he legally take?

If I were you, I would buy the house ONLY in my name and after he came up with funds to basically pay down a portion of principal on the mortgage, say 20% more, than refinance and add him on.
 

absolut_blonde

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I'm in the minority here since I'm not firmly in the 'no' camp. And I own a house with my SO.

BUT, a few things to consider:

1) If you do go ahead with this, speak to a lawyer about drafting something up that you can both sign that specifies how you will split up the proceeds if you two DO split up down the road. You should protect that $20k you are putting in - there's no reason you two should split 50/50 if things were to go awry. Or will he pay back half the 20k once he has a job?

2). About community property laws... Much of how things are divided in the event of divorce depends on the specifics of the transaction. For example, where I live: IF you transfer the property into someone's name as opposed to simply marrying, THEN they are entitled to the equity you previously built in the home. If you marry and do not transfer title, though, they are only entitled to the equity built in the home after you marry. (Vast simplification here, of course- and I'm sure there are nuances I am missing because they did not apply to my personal situation). SO and I are not married - he has more equity in our home, but because of how we did the title and mortgage, I am entitled to half of it (this is straight from our lawyer's mouth). I wouldn't pursue it, but legally I could.

3) Discussion of a timeline for engagement. Will this happen as soon as he finds a job? I would make sure you two are very clear on your expectations regarding this... you don't want to go forward expecting it in 6 months when he's thinking more like 2 years.
 
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