Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable...

[vintagelover229]

asking you if you have multiple rings that would work for engagement rings to use one to propose with? I know that many people have multiple diamond rings-or even many family rings that they got from their grandparents/parents.

The reason I ask is because my grandma in law-who is in her 80's and undergoing treatment for cancer (and is going well I might add) has her ring-her anniversary ring-her grandmothers ring and her mother in laws ring. Not that I expect anyone to offer/give up anything without wanting too but I know that some people don't even think about things like this. She has 2 grandkids-one a boy and one a girl-both in long term live in relationships pretty much ready to get engaged but the only thing holding them both up (although I doubt she knows this) is $ for a ring. The only reason I know this is because I am always trying to find them a good ring for their money but something seems to come up every time-you know-life.

Neither of them are comfortable asking (I've only mentioned it to one and am tempted to mention it to her myself) but I thought if it was ME I'd want them to be worn before I died and pass it on where it would be loved and worn and cherished before I am 6 feet under.

I know many people aren't comfortable asking-and some might even be upset at the notion of being asked-so I figured I'd reach out to fellow bling lovers and get their response.

FYI: My MIL isn't even comfortable asking her mom to leave her one of the partiulcar sets and would rather let her sister choose first after the day comes where she is sadly no longer with us. I think thats silly considering the sister lives far away and has little to no interaction with her while my MIL is always there and our family (so my MIL kids and my FIL) are always BBQ with her-fixing her house and doing lawn/tree trimming/etc) and has a very close relationship with her. Not that I think that should dictate who gets what but I just feel if it was my daughter and she actually secretly had a preference I would want to know so I could make that happen.

 

[AprilBaby]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

If I was close to her I would just ask. I plan on giving mine away long before I am gone.

 

[Rhea]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

I'd want a relative to ask me if we were close enough. If my sister wanted one of my rings I'd want her to ask. We're close and despite living thousands of miles apart manage to speak weekly. Same with my mother if she wanted it for any reason. Some random relation just because we share similar blood but hardly speak? Nope! I wouldn't dare to ask most of my family.

Last time I checked you could get married without a ring. That's what most people who can't afford one seem to do. The ring can come later, and might even be offered in that situation.

 

[JulieN]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

No. I never ask anyone for anything and I'd rather wear a sim.

 

[Maisie]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking.

My nanna died and didn't leave a will. She didn't have much jewellery but what she did have was taken the day after her funeral by my mothers sister. She just went through her stuff and took what she wanted. My mother was really upset. She had taken care of my nanna for years while my aunt lived hundreds of miles away. I would recommend your grandmother in law makes it clear where she wants her possessions to go.

 

[Trekkie]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

They can pry my rings off my cold, dead fingers and not a moment before.

I'm very easygoing but the entitlement of "oh, well, she is old and has cancer and is going to drop dead at any moment so she might as well give me her rings now" (not that you said that, but that's how I read it ) to be intensely off-putting.

I would be highly annoyed if someone asked for my rings/jewellery. They're mine, I worked for them. If you want your own diamonds you can pay for them yourself. I'd be even more pissed off if someone requested an inheritance in advance, however politely it was phrased. What if I enjoy wearing tangible evidence of my youth and happier moments? Bloody hell, I'm (hypothetically) 80 and have cancer - let me enjoy the pleasures I have left!

Besides... Can you imagine the squabbling? "Her ring is bigger/better/brighter than mine, so you need to leave me more money in your will" - I shit you not, I've actually heard this said in real life.

Also, as a previous poster said, it is possible to get engaged without rings. How often don't we read on SMTB about couples who became engaged with small diamonds or no diamonds at all? It always makes for a beautiful story.

If they really want to get married they'll make a plan and won't let rings stand in their way. Maybe their grandmother will hear that they don't have a ring and offer to help out.

I probably wouldn't But then again, I've been told that I'm incredibly self-centred, so maybe that's why I feel as strongly as I do. Either way, I don't really care. My (hypothetical!) rings, my decision!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

If I was close to her I would just ask. I plan on giving mine away long before I am gone.

Just keep me in mind...

 

[packrat]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

I get what you're saying. I'd still just let her decide to offer on her own w/out mentioning it to her. If they get married w/no ring, maybe she will. If we were that close to getting engaged and didn't have any money we'd either just do it w/no ring or get something inexpensive or a sim. My original ering that JD proposed with about $100.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

The only thing I want someone to feel comfortable asking me is for advice.

I personally would probably never ask anyone for something like that unless I had such an extra super special relationship with them - and even then - I'd hate the thought that once I asked they may feel obligated even if what they really wanted to say was "no" for whatever reason.

 

[SB621]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

This hits home for me....

My husband recently lost his grandmother who left all the jewelry to her daughter, my MIL. My MIL has been extremely vocal that all family jewelry will go to me and my daughter. If either of my children or my nephew said they would like one of the rings to propose with I would be OVERJOYED to give them pick of what they wanted (except for a few rings I have specifically stated must go to my daughter as they have been passed down mother to daughter). If my MIL is still alive, G-d willing, she will also happily give up whatever to be used for an ering. I don't think this is entitlement at all for the younger generation, but to me it is part of their family legacy. I know for me I would ask the grandmother and just say that both couples would like to get married but don't have the finances to propose. Would she be interested in letting them use a family ring to make it that much more special. If not then they will go ahead and work it out another way. I don't think your post comes across as searching to take the family fortune or getting inheritance sooner rather then later, at all.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

I agree with SB. I think family heirlooms are wonderful to be used as engagement rings! I see nothing wrong with the daughter mentioning the idea to her mother of the grandkids looking for e-rings and see if she offers.

I am offering all of my kids a diamond when and if they are engaged. Heck, as we have discussed on another thread, settings can be as much as a diamond, so if they want a particular setting they can get that and use one of my diamonds. I tell my girls now when I get a new piece that I have bought another heirloom for them or their girls! They will say oh, I really want that one! haha! And that is fine with me. I want to know which ones they like most so they can each get one thing they loved a lot down the road.

When my mother had a stroke and went to a nursing home (after a year we decided to sell her home since she couldn't go back), I am happy to say that my sisters and I sat at her kitchen table and amicably decided how to spilt up her small amount of fine jewelry. My mother had intended some things to go to certain ones, and we abided by that mostly, but I didn't want her 14k wg watch and my sisters didn't want her studs so we switched those!

 

[smitcompton]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

Hi,

I think the timing is bad. You'll make the woman think she is dying if people say please give us a ring before you pass on.
Its her daughter who should broach the topic of a will, and whether or not she has any bequests for people in her life. Everyone should have a will, so someone (her daughter)ought to bring it up. At that time, when jewelry is discussed, her daughter can tell her mother what is going on, and then she can make a decision either way, without embarassment.

I really read this as a grab. There was someone on here who wanted a ring for their father to get married or something like that, and people on pricescope really helped that person.. Was that you? I hope not because then it looks to me that you think that asking for something will get it for you without the toil that comes with the ability to buy something..

The woman should have a will, and people should, with some exceptions, buy their own wedding jewelry, especially young and healthy people.


Annette.
ps. I find that when people haven't earned something themselves, they don't value it.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

They can pry my rings off my cold, dead fingers and not a moment before.

I'm very easygoing but the entitlement of "oh, well, she is old and has cancer and is going to drop dead at any moment so she might as well give me her rings now" (not that you said that, but that's how I read it ) to be intensely off-putting.

I would be highly annoyed if someone asked for my rings/jewellery. They're mine, I worked for them. If you want your own diamonds you can pay for them yourself. I'd be even more pissed off if someone requested an inheritance in advance, however politely it was phrased. What if I enjoy wearing tangible evidence of my youth and happier moments? Bloody hell, I'm (hypothetically) 80 and have cancer - let me enjoy the pleasures I have left!

Besides... Can you imagine the squabbling? "Her ring is bigger/better/brighter than mine, so you need to leave me more money in your will" - I shit you not, I've actually heard this said in real life.

Also, as a previous poster said, it is possible to get engaged without rings. How often don't we read on SMTB about couples who became engaged with small diamonds or no diamonds at all? It always makes for a beautiful story.

If they really want to get married they'll make a plan and won't let rings stand in their way. Maybe their grandmother will hear that they don't have a ring and offer to help out.

I probably wouldn't But then again, I've been told that I'm incredibly self-centred, so maybe that's why I feel as strongly as I do. Either way, I don't really care. My (hypothetical!) rings, my decision!

Yep!

VL, I know you're not saying her health has anything to do with asking. You said she is getting healthier (yay! I hope this keeps going ).

I have very little passed down to me. That which I have is stuff that I've worked for and saved for. If I had a friend or family member I was super close to then I might offer something. If we weren't close enough for me to be aware of what is going on in their lives then I wouldn't offer. I'm sure your grand-MIL is aware of their situations. Personally, I'd leave the offering up to her and not ask because then she may feel she has to.

Could they do a colored stone ring? Or something small and upgrade later? Heck, even the less than PS quality mall store things (on clearance can be super inexpensive!) would be a ring. You can always upgrade (or replace) later. She could keep the original or have it set in a pendant or whatever.

 

[kenny]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

No. I never ask anyone for anything and I'd rather wear a sim.

+1

Same for asking to inherit something from them.

 

[marymm]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

No, I think the offer of giving jewelry should come from the person with the jewelry, not the person who wants the jewelry (or the person who wants the jewelry distributed).

I kind of hate the thought that relatives would want to take my things from me before I have made it clear I am ready to part with them.

We all (us PSers I mean) know affordable e-rings are available to meet almost every budget - and if someone is okay with secondhand jewelry, there are even more options.

I think more than one poster has brought up the point that engagements may take place without an e-ring - my guess is that these couples are not ready for engagement for many more reasons than just lack of funds to buy an e-ring.

 

[crown1]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

No, I would not. I find it rude and inappropriate to ask for anything unless it is a necessity. As a child, and that was long ago, I was taught to not ask for things as it was rude. It is extremely unkind, in my opinion, to grab others possessions. When you have a plan to give things to others they usually know your intent. I believe another poster has even stated they have made their intention known. Grandmother has a right to continue as usual with her jewels until she gives them up on her own. I feel especially if grandfather is gone she may have a desire to continue wearing them so as to continue a bond she had. Many have no such desire but they still are no different because they have some age on them. It is easy to say what you feel or how you will react but until the time comes one never knows. I feel it is best to err on the conservative side when you are considering asking for someone's wedding jewelry. And the persons who need the jewels are not the one pressing for her to give them up. I think op's intention is good but maybe going into an area best left untouched. A diamond is a want not a need. I do not mean to be unkind but op asked and I don't think Grandmother needs put on the spot. If she offers great.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses

I can see the thought process of everyone varies greatly on this-but there are a few of the mindset that I have. I should clarify-these are her grandkids and it would not be for me in any way shape or form. And this thought didn't occur to anyone in the family-these are all my own thoughts/feelings on the matter if I was the grandma or even the mother. For reference-my MIL was married with a simple band and 35 years later still doesn't have a diamond. She jokes about it every once in a while but no one in the family is materialistic in any way shape or form and wouldn't ever wish death upon someone for something as foolish as a diamond! The only reason I know about the jewelery is because I've admired it and asked her about the pieces she's worn and she's expressed she has others. I think if she *knew* she probably would offer-but I know the thought wouldn't occur to any of the parties that it would be for nor would it occur to her to offer-because that's just how they are.

I pray that she has a very long life and the cancer has stopped (she's still has a few treatments left) but for ME I'd much rather have something that is sitting in a box be worn and used as a continued symbol of love in the family while I was still here (no matter how long that may be) than wait until I was gone-but that is just me.

Both of these couples wouldn't let a lack of a ring hold them back from getting married if that is what they want to do. Both have only been in a relationship for around 2 years and I think both the men involved would rather continue the way they are living-and give up or work harder-to save their pennies for something special for the ladies in their lives. I was just expressing if they had something that was pretty-and from the family-they probably *would* tie the knot sooner vs later is all but both are happy and there's nothing wrong with waiting until they have what they feel comfortable with and finding them whatever fits their budget when the time arrives.

I didn't think I'd get some of the responses I did-I certainly didn't mean to think I was trying to rob a little sick old lady of her diamond rings before her time! I certainly wouldn't want her to give up her set and wouldn't ever expect that of her. I was just wondering how others felt about it FOR THEM because of the way I felt due to my observations in the family. I wouldn't ever actually say anything to her-nor would her daughter (the mom) or any of her grandkids.

I have all the bling I need and could ever want in my life. More than practical actually-and wouldn't want or expect a thing when the time comes since all of the other women (except my SIL) don't have any nice pieces. I would want them to have pretty things to enjoy that also had family history.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

no, I would not.
if she wanted them to have them she'd have already talked to Them about it.
you asking for them?
well, I just don't think it is polite.
if they want it they should do the asking.......if they aren't comfortable doing so then you shouldn't be either.
I know you are trying to help but it is their engagement, their e-ring, and their responsibility.
also, despite doing well I think asking her right now knowing she has cancer is really pretty much saying "hurry up and die so we can get your stuff'"....you may not think of it that way but she might...even if you have a good relationship.
it is amazing how many times something like this blows up and tears a family apart: don't be part of that possibility.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

VL --

My grandma had a bunch of jewelry. She had rings I saw her wear for most of my life. I would have LOVED to have one of them. She's been gone for 10 years today. I still think of her rings and wonder what happened to them. There were a couple that were supposed to be given to me but my aunt decided that her SO's daughter would get them instead. (so I was left with the costume jewelry I saved from the trash heap and a few little bits grandma gave me over the years)

That said, I didn't ever ask for her any. She gave what she wanted when she wanted. Bunches got sold before she died and she bought stuff to just enjoy in her last few years. I was always happy to see her enjoying something wonderful even if it meant a ring was gone.

When I get to the right time in my life -- right time defined as when it feels right to me -- I'll probably take stuff I don't wear as often and start giving it to those who are special to me and would get enjoyment from it. I'd like to enjoy all I have for as long as I can and then start giving it away when I feel ready. My hope would be to have just a few special pieced at the very end of my life and those well documented and specifically called out in my will. I'd even go so far as to make sure my attorney had them just before or right after my death so they didn't just walk away...

 

[kenny]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

I have all the bling I need and could ever want in my life.
More than practical actually-and wouldn't want or expect a thing when the time comes since all of the other women (except my SIL) don't have any nice pieces.
I would want them to have pretty things to enjoy that also had family history.

You may have just posted a way to kill two birds with one stone.
(Well, two stones, four lovebirds, and not killing )

Perhaps you could consider gifting two of your "more than practical", as you put it, diamonds to the couples.

Gosh, it sure is easy to give away someone else's diamonds.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

I have all the bling I need and could ever want in my life.
More than practical actually-and wouldn't want or expect a thing when the time comes since all of the other women (except my SIL) don't have any nice pieces.
I would want them to have pretty things to enjoy that also had family history.

You may have just posted a way to kill two birds with one stone.
(Well, two stones, four lovebirds, and not killing )

Perhaps you could consider gifting two of your "more than practical", as you put it, diamonds to the couples.

Gosh, it sure is easy to give away someone else's diamonds.

I've thought about it Kenny-and actually tried to swap my whiteflash sapphires by the yard piece for a diamond ring for one of them (on my own of course) without any luck. The 2 options I have would be to take apart my twin bypass ring and have them save for settings or take my 1ctw OEC studs and gift a stone to each of them. By 'more than practical' I mean I have nice pieces that would work for e-ring stones but I will never have the funds to replace these items-nor do I have more than one of them (meaning I only have one pair of diamond studs that I wore on my wedding day).

So that thought has crossed my mind but it would have much less meaning than an heirloom ring worn by their grandma or great grandma.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

no, I would not.
if she wanted them to have them she'd have already talked to Them about it.
you asking for them?
well, I just don't think it is polite.
if they want it they should do the asking.......if they aren't comfortable doing so then you shouldn't be either.
I know you are trying to help but it is their engagement, their e-ring, and their responsibility.
also, despite doing well I think asking her right now knowing she has cancer is really pretty much saying "hurry up and die so we can get your stuff'"....you may not think of it that way but she might...even if you have a good relationship.
it is amazing how many times something like this blows up and tears a family apart: don't be part of that possibility.

Thank you so much for this-like I said I was tempted but I haven't been apart of the family that long-and I am VERY weird-so this post was just to see how other people felt (I had already decided it wasn't in good taste or my place to say anything to her) in their lives.

It makes me sad to see that pieces were promised to certain people-and it had meaning-and others just gobbled them up instead. I know based on her husbands passing quite a few years ago-that things were very fairly and calmly divided up to the kids/grandkids and people were more than happy to say-what is important to you-okay go head. Everyone in the family is very selfless at least the ones I've met so when that time comes (my MIL is in charge of the estate) I know things will go for the most part to homes that will get a lot of love for years to come-non-jewelry included.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

VL, anyone who knows you understood your question and your motives!

 

[marcy]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

No, I would never ask someone a question like that. I would consider it presumptuous and other members of the family might be concerned you are trying to get something for yourself.

 

[gregchang35]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

I would feel uncomfortable in asking.. but my mum knows that i love me diamonds.. hehehehe.

I suspect that she will treat 3 of us equally when it comes to distribution time.

As for me and my kids... i am willing to pass the jewellry on when the time comes- graduation with a degree/ engagement/ marriage/ significant event... they will have a better and more time enjoying it than me at that time.. cos i am an older dad. And by that time of the significant event: my eyesight will be so poor that i wont really enjoy them and I may have arthritic fingers that i cant wear the baubles any more.....Maybe i will get really large SIMS so that i can oogle at them and think wow!

I have started proportioning the jewellry already.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

When I was little I asked my beloved aunt if I could have her rings, but she had already promised them to her other niece. All of my jewelry will go to my daughter, at least all the white metal stuff. I don't think she cares about anything yellow gold. But if I was going to get rid of it, I would run it by her first.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

......It makes me sad to see that pieces were promised to certain people-and it had meaning-and others just gobbled them up instead. I know based on her husbands passing quite a few years ago-that things were very fairly and calmly divided up to the kids/grandkids and people were more than happy to say-what is important to you-okay go head. Everyone in the family is very selfless at least the ones I've met so when that time comes (my MIL is in charge of the estate) I know things will go for the most part to homes that will get a lot of love for years to come-non-jewelry included.

I agree and glad to hear that the family has a history of handling things "right".
it really is sad when things "go missing" that were promised to others....
I hope she has a will and is very specific in it re her jewelry........

 

[SB621]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

VL I think you got some harsh criticism here. You do what you feel comfortable with. I still think you should talk to the grandmother and let her dictate what she wants to do. Just my .02 cents.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

VL I think you got some harsh criticism here. You do what you feel comfortable with. I still think you should talk to the grandmother and let her dictate what she wants to do. Just my .02 cents.

Thanks SB: I told my SIL about my idea and she scoffed at the notion at first but when I expressed my view on it-she saw my point. What she does with this information from there is on her but she did express that it would be amazing to use something that had family history to symbolize something of great important to her and her bf. We'll see what happens :p

I will say-that most of my jewelery has been gifted to me by a very close family friend (aside from a few pieces by my husband-which is another reason I just can't gift my OEC earrings away) as well as most of the nice things I got while I was in foster care or adopted. I can tell you I treasured them dearly and always will-and I will not be inheriting anything from anywhere else (unless of course I get a big surprise which is highly unlikely lol)


I know without a doubt if either of the women I have in mind got jewelery from her they would cherish it probably MORE so than a new ring. Yes they'd love a new diamond because it came from their love-but the history and symbol that would come from a family diamond based on both these women would mean more than words can express.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Would you want your kids/grandkids to feel comfortable..

If the kids aren't comfortable asking, there's your answer. Also it is not up to you to help them find a ring they can afford--I'm sorry, I know you have the knowledge, etc to help people find a ring within their budget but unless they are coming to you with "here's our budget, what's the best we can get with $x?" then I would stay out of it.

Asking someone for their jewelry because they have more than you think they need or because they're maybe close to dying just sounds wrong to me. I've read through the OP and this thread several times now and I just can't figure out a way this could have a good outcome for all involved without weird feelings.

(Sorry for the terrible punctuation and grammar.)